Wish me luck [updated from 'not sure what's going on']

[aileD]

He sent me a message today that he feels like an outcast. That the kids seem to be "about done" with him and he's sad.

 

I told him what did he expect? He now has to live with and deal with the consequences of his actions and his addiction to her.

 

This is all just too sad.

 

I know I have to get things moving but I'm frozen.

[understand50]

He sent me a message today that he feels like an outcast. That the kids seem to be "about done" with him and he's sad.

 

I told him what did he expect? He now has to live with and deal with the consequences of his actions and his addiction to her.

 

This is all just too sad.

 

I know I have to get things moving but I'm frozen.

 

AileD,

 

Just answered your other post. I would tell your WH, that he worked hard for this outcome. This is just the beginning. Kids can tell that "daddy" is hurting mom, and for really selfless reasons. They will always love him to some extent, but they will never respect him again. They will be lost to him, and that may not be such a bad thing. He is no example of honor, and as a good father or husband. His pain is just beginning.

 

I wish you luck.....

[ShatteredLady]

I know that we often describe affairs as "addictions" here but for some reason it makes my heart sink when I read it from you. It sounds like another excuse.

 

I don't mean that in a harsh way. As I've said before, I truly understand your feelings. I blamed my H's abusive behavior & adultery on a mental breakdown & medications! I still do to a certain extent.

 

 

Your story is one of the worst, most heart breaking I've read. It's because you haven't had a d-day, promises of stopping & NC, at least some attempt to rugsweep....He's so blatant & so incredibly self indulgent!!

 

He stays in contact with you. Crying & mourning about his predicament, his childhood, her manipulation, his addiction. Poor, poor baby!! No!! This is bollocks!! He doesn't get to shag a 21 year old AND have you & his kids. It CAN'T work like that!!

 

Yes, he was abused & hurt in an awful way as a child BUT he's not a child anymore. NOTHING justifies his actions. NOTHING!! Why does he get to abuse you & your children AND get understanding & compassion? No!!

 

Please stop this! Your children NEED to see consequences for him. You are now allowing him to do this. Blatantly do this! He's addicted?!?!? He's pathetic!!!

[ladydesigner]

AileD,

 

Just answered your other post. I would tell your WH, that he worked hard for this outcome. This is just the beginning. Kids can tell that "daddy" is hurting mom, and for really selfless reasons. They will always love him to some extent, but they will never respect him again. They will be lost to him, and that may not be such a bad thing. He is no example of honor, and as a good father or husband. His pain is just beginning.

 

I wish you luck.....

 

It never seems to quite go away either. Both my kids love their dad, as they should, but they don't tend to look up to him too much or value what he has to say. I don't think the pain from infidelity ever goes completely away, especially those of us with an unremorseful spouse.

[aileD]

It's just incredibly sad.

 

I have not really contacted him. He sent me some excerpts from articles today. About childhood sex abuse and how it can play out in adult relationships.

 

Finally, early sexual experience and permissiveness may leave some with negative identity messages. If they come to believe their value is based in their sexuality, then they may crave constant validation from others. For this type of personality a single person could never provide all the needed validation. They need a never-ending supply of attention to affirm their worthiness. In their mind, an affair partner provides this validation.

 

And yes I can totally see this in him and have been saying it for so long. Also sent me some stuff about abandoned children (he was twice) said he's a mess realizing all this stuff really did affect his views and our marriage. No, it's not an excuse to cheat. I do understand that. But for me, I am happy that he is finally finally digging deep and wanting to heal himself from his past hurts. Even if we don't stay together, this is so important and I love this man and I can see since I was 17 how he's been affected....so to see him doing work now makes me happy....even though it's coming about like this.

 

As far as addiction. I think addiction does have something to do with it. The way he talks about her. The high he gets being with her and the extreme low he gets when he's not with her....it's not normal. It's not normal to feel like you're going to die without someone. He clearly goes thru withdrawal. . Also his family has a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts so he does have an addictive personality. He has said he wants to leave every day and just can't pull himself away.

 

That said, I know it's not an excuse. And it's not the only reason he stays, I'm weak and I know that enables him. Read somewhere that he won't really make a decision until the "pain of the situation outweighs the pleasure he gets from her. "

 

So I'm trying to be stronger. He's starting to feel the pain with the kids. I'm not communicating as I did before....

 

Like someone said in another post, I hope this affair is just a speedbump and not a roadblock in our story.....but I realize I will probably have to call it quits now if we ever will have any chance in the future.

 

I know everyone can put labels on him and he fits a lots of those affair labels. But he's not a completely uncaring and purposely hurtful person.

 

Im just doing my best.

[ShatteredLady]

Filing for divorce & handing him the papers DOES NOT mean that you have to divorce. I really think he needs a swift kick to the head (figuratively. There's a word for this. A hard hit that changes your reality?) so as you say, the pain & consequences out weigh the pleasure.

 

I think the reality of loosing YOU will hit him harder than loosing her. Know what I mean?

 

I'd send him the papers & go silent on him for a few weeks. Make him realize that he can't use you for the emotional & intellectual support. As long as he can analyze himself & lean on you he can continue to play this "I can't help myself. I'm so screwed-up & lost. I'm addicted to her" game.

 

He's a grown man. At some point he has to realize how much he is damaging his children. Do you want to visit your grandchild in the back of a car because your son or daughter are so screwed-up because of what their FATHER did to them?

 

If for nothing else, for HIS SAKE & YOUR CHILDREN this crap has to stop! You can't carry-on like this. You're going to loose your mind!! I can only imagine the agony that you're living with. You've already lost your job (she said this. Is it true?) I can completely understand this. This must be damaging your health!! Stress causes so much damage to your body & mind. I know this!!

[MuddyFootprints]

A meme something to the effect of: he played the victim so hard he started carrying chalk around to outline his body, came across my fb page this week.

 

Oh, could I identify!

 

Don't let him pull that poor me crap on you and your family.

[heartwhole]

A lot of us who are counseling you are in reconciliation or have tried to reconcile, so know that we don't view your husband as completely irredeemable or worthless. We're simply getting angry on your behalf because you don't seem to be.

 

It's just ridiculous that the man would complain to YOU about feeling like an outcast. Cue the world's tiniest violin . . . He's really, really clueless. Then he sends you articles about how his childhood abuse turned him into a cheater. See, he's giving you crumbs to hold on to while he stays with HER.

 

The childhood trauma you really need to be worrying about right now is your own children's. What is all of this teaching them? Being able to understand why your husband struggles today is not the same thing as accepting it. And you are accepting his abuse, his betrayal, his abandonment, his wishy-washiness, and your children lack not one stable parent right now, but two. You can't fix him. You can't outlast OW so you can claim your prize. You can only deal with the hand you have been dealt right this second. And right this second you have been abandoned by an extremely dysfunctional and blinded man. You have not been asked to reconcile. You have not been promised change. You have not witnessed him end it with OW. You are acting like you have a shot at reconciliation, but only on the basis that you wish it was so.

 

I'm really sorry AlieD, I really am. Keep putting one foot in front of another. Keep being a little stronger each day. Be a Mama Bear for those kids. It's his job to worry about his relationship with them; it's your job to worry about yours.

[Mr. Lucky]

But he's not a completely uncaring and purposely hurtful person.

 

You touch on an important point most BS deal with sooner or later - does intent matter? Is there a difference between a hurtful person and a "purposely" hurtful person?

 

My ultimate answer was - don't know, don't care. The damage was the same regardless, that was what mattered to me.

 

Whether your husband is a bad guy or a good guy doing bad things, he's still tearing your marriage, your life and your family apart. That should be your focus...

 

Mr. Lucky

[ladydesigner]

You touch on an important point most BS deal with sooner or later - does intent matter? Is there a difference between a hurtful person and a "purposely" hurtful person?

 

My ultimate answer was - don't know, don't care. The damage was the same regardless, that was what mattered to me.

 

Whether your husband is a bad guy or a good guy doing bad things, he's still tearing your marriage, your life and your family apart. That should be your focus...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

So true! There is nothing that can be done to undo that damage either.

[ladydesigner]

AlieD your WH is exactly like a heroin addict. He will do anything for his next hit even if it means stepping on his family. Drug addicts will also lie, cheat and steal from family to get their next fix. They think of no one including themselves. They are chasing a fleeting feeling that in the large scheme of things is meaningless.

 

Right now, and this is IMO, I feel that you are helping your WH through till his next fix. You can't get a person to stop using if you are handing them the needle.

 

Stop all communication with him unless it is kids and finances only.

[BetrayedH]

He sent me a message today that he feels like an outcast. That the kids seem to be "about done" with him and he's sad.

 

I told him what did he expect? He now has to live with and deal with the consequences of his actions and his addiction to her.

 

This is all just too sad.

 

I know I have to get things moving but I'm frozen.

 

Good response. Keep focusing on healthy boundaries for yourself. His behavior is unacceptable for a married person. So don't accept it or you end up communicating the wrong message with your actions.

 

It takes a long time to divorce. If he demonstrates true remorse (which requires consistent actions over time), you can always pause the proceedings. In the meantime, I suggest you follow the 180 and back it up with actions, like serving him papers. Whether you want to reconcile or divorce, this is the most likely path to get you there. Accepting the status quo keeps you and your kids in limbo (and sends them the message that his behavior is acceptable in a marriage).

Edited August 9, 2016 by BetrayedH

[Lobe]

He sent me some excerpts from articles today. About childhood sex abuse and how it can play out in adult relationships.

 

Like someone said in another post, I hope this affair is just a speedbump and not a roadblock in our story.....but I realize I will probably have to call it quits now if we ever will have any chance in the future.

 

I know everyone can put labels on him and he fits a lots of those affair labels. But he's not a completely uncaring and purposely hurtful person.

 

Im just doing my best.

 

Did he supply the luggage for that guilt trip or did you pack it yourself?

 

You're doing what's best with HIM in mind, not you or your kids. It was me who said it was a speedbump not a roadblock and I assure you that had my husband pulled half the sh*t yours has, we would be well beyond roadblock and into me blowing up the highway and removing the bridges so he would have no way of coming near me.

 

He was a victim of sexual abuse which means that he understands WHY he has issues but that does not justify him acting like an uncaring and purposefully hurtful person. Of course he isn't "himself" right now - he's all hoped up on limerence hormones, and doing everything in his power to keep you on the line until he "beats his addiction." That makes you no different than a Mom buying her son one last hit of heroin, 400x in a row.

 

Cut. Him. Off.

 

Block him. At one point I actually wrote my husband a text stating that I would not talk to him about anything that did not involve a) prepping the house for sale or b) what time he was grabbing the kids. I told him I was not interested in being the "other woman" to his girlfriend and said I would start forwarding the "love" notes he was sending me to her if he didn't stop.

 

Nothing changes if nothing changes. He's still eating cake, whether you think he is or not. The 180 by Michelle Weiner Davis is where you need to go, and since I just posted it in another thread I'll copy and paste it here:

 

(bolding is mine...)

 

1. Don’t pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
   
2. No frequent phone calls.
   
3. Don’t point out “good points” in marriage.
   
4. Don’t follow her/him around the house.
   
5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
   
6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner.
   
7. Don’t ask for reassurances.
   
8. Don’t buy or give gifts.
   
9. Don’t schedule dates together.
   
10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.
    
11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
    
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
    
13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
    
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t push any issue, no matter how much you want to!
    
15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
    
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that “they (the wayward partner)” are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life…without them!
    
17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you’re missing.
    
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
    
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
    
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF!
    
21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.
    
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
    
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Hear what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
    
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
    
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
    
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
    
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
    
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
    
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care.
    
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
    
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”
    
32. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
    
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don’t work out with the affair partner.
    

[ShatteredLady]

My husband was very weird an distant all December. Come New Years Day I logged onto my chronic pain forum to read an 'anonymous' VERY passive aggressive post just for me

 

I knew immediately that it was written by my H. I was completely blind-sided. I believed that we were a FAMILY. He hadn't mentioned any concerns. Never said that he had any problems with our marriage. The post questioned if it would be "selfish to divorce his burden of a cripple wife AND young children to chase Love, Romance & Adventure".

 

He denied that there was another woman (my instincts were screaming! That's why I asked) but I believed him. I HATED myself!! I spent months being treated like crap & twisting myself in knots trying to be the perfect wife!! I nearly lost my mind.

 

Come Mothers Day I found the online receipt for TWO bouquets of flowers. It was a buy 1 get 1 (of LESSER VALUE) half price! Mine were the cheaper ones! Her note said "To the very best mother in the world. All my love xxxx".

 

I looked at her name. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was the coworker that he had an affair with 12 years ago. I'm left questioning if he's been obsessing, lusting after her for all these years. Was he thinking of her when we conceived our babies? Was he talking to her when we were home for my brothers funeral? My brother took his own life after his wife tortured him with adultery. WE lived through that!!

 

To begin with he stated that he had no intention of stopping talking to her. She was "Was JUST a friend!". I was in shock. I was devastated. I wanted to die! This kind of bollocks went on for months. We would have a lovely, passionate night but the next day he would tell me that "The spark didn't catch!". Ugh!!

 

Of course, he was waking to their usual daily messages, "You're the last thing I think of when I fall asleep at night & the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning" I discovered this by delving into our internet history. I couldn't believe the things that I read. I was physically sick!

 

My H has always suffered with depression (poor baby!) & low self-esteem no matter what I did. I was suffering from self-loathing from being treated with such cruelty for all that time. It was the worst time in my life.

 

THEN, finally, I just had enough!! I told him to go to her. Have a great life! I was going back to England.

 

Suddenly she was nothing. He was going to kill himself (incredibly abusive statement given my brothers suicide) he didn't want a broken family. He didn't know what was wrong with him. He had lost his mind. He loved me. Blah blah blah!!

 

If I'd carried on being a wet blanket. If I'd just allowed him to carry-on getting his ego stroked & bullying me without consequences I believe he would STILL be at it now!! It wasn't until he was hit with reality that he changed his tune.

 

It's more complicated than it sounds. He'd convinced himself that I was a dead weight, useless, pathetic. I'd been proving him right with my "Poor baby is having a depressive episode. It's because he lost his job. It's because he was feeling crap about himself & she was there to stroke his...ego!".

 

The bubble burst & he remembered who I am. What he was loosing.

 

At the moment your H is playing the victim card exceptionally well. I am pathetic. I'm a hapless romantic. I'd be feeling sorry & making excuses for my H too BUT ONLY IF he stopped this horrifically abusive crap. Your H CAN'T continue with HER & still have YOU to kiss his boo boo's. It's been going on for too long, WAY too long!!

 

He's allowing himself to be manipulated by a LITTLE GIRL!! I can only imagine your pain & more importantly I can imagine the utter abusive, devastating, life changing effects that this is having on your children!! You can't save him. Let him loose EVERYTHING. Let him hit rock rock bottom. It's the only thing left to wake him up.

 

He's seen his son cry. He's been rejected by your daughter. He's living in his truck with a 21 year old girl & sobbing poor, poor me!! What else can you do? Sit around for the next year or two for the affair bubble to burst?

 

I'm so so very sorry. I do understand. I've grown-up with my husband too. I know all of his demons. I felt so much better when I reached the blind anger stage. Rage brought back a little self-respect...just enough to tell him to go. That was what it took for him to stay.

 

The sad thing is... Now my self-esteem is returning I don't know if I can stay with him. I'm so deeply scared. He doesn't feel like my forever family anymore. He's just a man who can dump us whenever he feels like it. What am I getting from this marriage anymore? I'll never feel safe or secure anymore....

 

That's my problem though. You need to start fighting for YOU & your children before you can even consider your marriage again.

 

I'm so sorry.

[ladydesigner]

My husband was very weird an distant all December. Come New Years Day I logged onto my chronic pain forum to read an 'anonymous' VERY passive aggressive post just for me

 

I knew immediately that it was written by my H. I was completely blind-sided. I believed that we were a FAMILY. He hadn't mentioned any concerns. Never said that he had any problems with our marriage. The post questioned if it would be "selfish to divorce his burden of a cripple wife AND young children to chase Love, Romance & Adventure".

 

He denied that there was another woman (my instincts were screaming! That's why I asked) but I believed him. I HATED myself!! I spent months being treated like crap & twisting myself in knots trying to be the perfect wife!! I nearly lost my mind.

 

Come Mothers Day I found the online receipt for TWO bouquets of flowers. It was a buy 1 get 1 (of LESSER VALUE) half price! Mine were the cheaper ones! Her note said "To the very best mother in the world. All my love xxxx".

 

I looked at her name. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was the coworker that he had an affair with 12 years ago. I'm left questioning if he's been obsessing, lusting after her for all these years. Was he thinking of her when we conceived our babies? Was he talking to her when we were home for my brothers funeral? My brother took his own life after his wife tortured him with adultery. WE lived through that!!

 

To begin with he stated that he had no intention of stopping talking to her. She was "Was JUST a friend!". I was in shock. I was devastated. I wanted to die! This kind of bollocks went on for months. We would have a lovely, passionate night but the next day he would tell me that "The spark didn't catch!". Ugh!!

 

Of course, he was waking to their usual daily messages, "You're the last thing I think of when I fall asleep at night & the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning" I discovered this by delving into our internet history. I couldn't believe the things that I read. I was physically sick!

 

My H has always suffered with depression (poor baby!) & low self-esteem no matter what I did. I was suffering from self-loathing from being treated with such cruelty for all that time. It was the worst time in my life.

 

THEN, finally, I just had enough!! I told him to go to her. Have a great life! I was going back to England.

 

Suddenly she was nothing. He was going to kill himself (incredibly abusive statement given my brothers suicide) he didn't want a broken family. He didn't know what was wrong with him. He had lost his mind. He loved me. Blah blah blah!!

 

If I'd carried on being a wet blanket. If I'd just allowed him to carry-on getting his ego stroked & bullying me without consequences I believe he would STILL be at it now!! It wasn't until he was hit with reality that he changed his tune.

 

It's more complicated than it sounds. He'd convinced himself that I was a dead weight, useless, pathetic. I'd been proving him right with my "Poor baby is having a depressive episode. It's because he lost his job. It's because he was feeling crap about himself & she was there to stroke his...ego!".

 

The bubble burst & he remembered who I am. What he was loosing.

 

At the moment your H is playing the victim card exceptionally well. I am pathetic. I'm a hapless romantic. I'd be feeling sorry & making excuses for my H too BUT ONLY IF he stopped this horrifically abusive crap. Your H CAN'T continue with HER & still have YOU to kiss his boo boo's. It's been going on for too long, WAY too long!!

 

He's allowing himself to be manipulated by a LITTLE GIRL!! I can only imagine your pain & more importantly I can imagine the utter abusive, devastating, life changing effects that this is having on your children!! You can't save him. Let him loose EVERYTHING. Let him hit rock rock bottom. It's the only thing left to wake him up.

 

He's seen his son cry. He's been rejected by your daughter. He's living in his truck with a 21 year old girl & sobbing poor, poor me!! What else can you do? Sit around for the next year or two for the affair bubble to burst?

 

I'm so so very sorry. I do understand. I've grown-up with my husband too. I know all of his demons. I felt so much better when I reached the blind anger stage. Rage brought back a little self-respect...just enough to tell him to go. That was what it took for him to stay.

 

The sad thing is... Now my self-esteem is returning I don't know if I can stay with him. I'm so deeply scared. He doesn't feel like my forever family anymore. He's just a man who can dump us whenever he feels like it. What am I getting from this marriage anymore? I'll never feel safe or secure anymore....

 

That's my problem though. You need to start fighting for YOU & your children before you can even consider your marriage again.

 

I'm so sorry.

 

 

(((ShatteredLady))) I feel the exact same way! I have this new confidence, feel great about myself and life, have great new friends, my kids are finally doing better, BUT my M sucks because my WH had a 3 year LTA and put me through False R. How do you get past that?

 

I'll never feel safe and secure with anyone again. I don't want to D, I don't want to have another R again, it's a pretty jaded world for me as far as relationships and M goes.

[ShatteredLady]

"I'll never feel safe and secure with anyone again. I don't want to D, I don't want to have another R again, it's a pretty jaded world for me as far as relationships and M goes."

 

SNAP! 12years later! I really thought that he got it. Our lives had moved on, life, death, children...if I'd left before my life would be so very different but I didn't.

 

I understand the OP. I truly do but how do you stay after THAT!! It's in your face false future reconciliation. AGAIN!

[BetrayedH]

(((ShatteredLady))) I feel the exact same way! I have this new confidence, feel great about myself and life, have great new friends, my kids are finally doing better, BUT my M sucks because my WH had a 3 year LTA and put me through False R. How do you get past that?

 

I'll never feel safe and secure with anyone again. I don't want to D, I don't want to have another R again, it's a pretty jaded world for me as far as relationships and M goes.

 

Eh, never say never.

 

You gotta divorce first, though. Getting away and starting a new life has a way of renewing your soul. It's not all sunshine and sunflowers and, yeah, the pixie dust has mostly washed off when it comes to my expectations of romance, but starting a new life was also rejuvenating in a way I didn't expect. I think it would likely happen for you, too.

[ladydesigner]

Eh, never say never.

 

You gotta divorce first, though. Getting away and starting a new life has a way of renewing your soul. It's not all sunshine and sunflowers and, yeah, the pixie dust has mostly washed off when it comes to my expectations of romance, but starting a new life was also rejuvenating in a way I didn't expect. I think it would likely happen for you, too.

 

Thank you! My biggest problem is getting sucked back in. I must be co-dependent. I have tried to leave many times but get 'love bombed'? I'm not sure what the term is. It feels weak though sometimes and yet feels best for the kids and even myself at times, but he always shows his NPD tendencies and that keeps me in limbo.

[ShatteredLady]

I know the limbo feeling well. I'm so haunted by the things I read that he wrote. Sometimes I wish I'd never read them but I'd still be stuck with the things that he said. The utter contempt on his face. I'm not a bad person. I'm not a bad wife. I got sick. I completely understand the stress that it puts on your partner.

 

So...we're supposed to be working on things. Changing our marriage damaging ways. How the hell am I supposed to not be sick? I know I'm depressed & the pathetic thing is...I'm becoming the woman that he accused me of being (it wasn't true then) but now I think it is! I'm sick, I'm no fun! Ugh!!

 

Where have I gone???

[Mr. Lucky]

You gotta divorce first, though. Getting away and starting a new life has a way of renewing your soul. It's not all sunshine and sunflowers and, yeah, the pixie dust has mostly washed off when it comes to my expectations of romance, but starting a new life was also rejuvenating in a way I didn't expect. I think it would likely happen for you, too.

 

Certainly was true for me. Most empowering was, after having someone else effectively decide my life for me, regaining confidence in my own ability to choose.

 

Even the bad choices felt good ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

I know the limbo feeling well. I'm so haunted by the things I read that he wrote. Sometimes I wish I'd never read them but I'd still be stuck with the things that he said. The utter contempt on his face. I'm not a bad person. I'm not a bad wife. I got sick. I completely understand the stress that it puts on your partner.

 

So...we're supposed to be working on things. Changing our marriage damaging ways. How the hell am I supposed to not be sick? I know I'm depressed & the pathetic thing is...I'm becoming the woman that he accused me of being (it wasn't true then) but now I think it is! I'm sick, I'm no fun! Ugh!!

 

Where have I gone???

 

It's not about who you are. It's about him being able to love you for who you are.

 

You can't help being sick. If depression isn't helping the situation, get help for that. Maybe you could find some support groups or articles on how other spouses deal with the same issues related to your illness. Maybe education and knowledge will help

[aileD]

So just to update.

 

I haven't been talking to him that much. Just necessity stuff. Tonight he came over to help with something long overdue (we have a homestead and had to harvest some animals, sorry if anyone finds it offensive).

 

I just decided before he came not to talk to him about our situation. His aunt who lives down the street invited us out to the tavern with a few people later that night.

 

I got annoyed because he left the house to go apprently shower at the gym.

 

YOU HAVE A HOUSE

YOU HAVE A SHOWER

IF YOU SHOWERED AT HOME , you'd have more time with kids.

 

 

But I said, I'm not going to start a fight. We went out, no one knows we are separated besides his aunt. It was ok, since we basically split off guys/girls

 

Walking out to car he stops to talk to me, letting me know that he wants me to know he's working on things and that he's not just off having fun. That every day he thinks About reconciliation. That she keeps asking him what he's doing because she doesn't want him to move into her apartment (she got one for sept 1st) if he's not serious about divorce. He pretty much knows he's not going to move in there he just says he's trying to find the strength to leave her (obsession and guilt, and he'd be leaving her to live in car alone in unsafe places)

 

I suggested he spend some time alone because it would be too hard to have him leave her and jump right back into us.

 

Funny thing. His boss (lesbian and like a sister to him) used to be of the "do whatever makes you happy" mindset. Well. Her fiancé just cheated on her and she is going their the same exact thing only from the other side. Her fiancé was even with a 22 year old. Haha! But anyway. She now sees it differently and he said that even though he's not here he can see what hell HES putting me they because a the same stuff is happening to his boss.

 

Anyway. I didn't want to fight tonight. It was nice to go out with our friends and do work around the house. It was nice that he opened up to me a little and got to see one of the kids.

 

I'm not blind to the fact that he still left to be with her or any of that cake and eat it stuff.

[Mr. Lucky]

He pretty much knows he's not going to move in there he just says he's trying to find the strength to leave her (obsession and guilt, and he'd be leaving her to live in car alone in unsafe places)

 

I suggested he spend some time alone because it would be too hard to have him leave her and jump right back into us.

 

He feels conflicted and concerned for his AP? That must be really hard on him . Sheesh...

 

Still think you're on the wrong track. Rather than discussing reconciliation, you need to let him know that his actions are taking the possibility off the table.

 

To continue to give him the sense you're waiting for him to finish this little adventure so he can come "home" simply entitles him to wander further away.

 

Save any empathy you might be feeling for your kids and what he's put them through...

 

Mr. Lucky

[turnera]

The best chance you have of getting him back is to present him with divorce papers. You can't divorce immediately most places, so you'll have time to stop the process if he gets his head out of his butt. But the most effective way to get a cheater to stop is to legally, officially remove yourself from his presence so the cake is GONE and he then has to make a REAL decision. You not pulling the plug is allowing him to really get his ego stroking going on from TWO women. Why should he stop? Shut it down.

[ladydesigner]

The best chance you have of getting him back is to present him with divorce papers. You can't divorce immediately most places, so you'll have time to stop the process if he gets his head out of his butt. But the most effective way to get a cheater to stop is to legally, officially remove yourself from his presence so the cake is GONE and he then has to make a REAL decision. You not pulling the plug is allowing him to really get his ego stroking going on from TWO women. Why should he stop? Shut it down.

 

Serving D papers is actually the best advice for a BS whose WS is either unremorseful or not stopping the A.