Wish me luck [updated from 'not sure what's going on']

[Mr. Lucky]

Sure I can leave him alone but I'm his wife. We've been together forever. You get through stuff with people you love. I can clearly see a relation to his past in EVERYTHING that we've gone through. He is finally going to counseling, I don't believe I should leave in the middle of a crisis just because my feelings are getting hurt.

 

If that makes me a ****ty person,then so be it.

 

Just the opposite, makes you a good person. But...

 

There are a lot of analogies in your situation to being the parent or spouse of an addict. And, as an addict indulges in self-destructive behavior, loved ones come to understand their role as enablers and co-dependents and realize they don't help by going down with the ship.

 

You see the OM as the disease, she's really just the symptom. What happens if having him walk back in the door isn't the cure ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

You see the OM as the disease, she's really just the symptom. What happens if having him walk back in the door isn't the cure ???

 

Actually, no...I do see her as a symptom. he wouldn't have done this with her, even if she was a disease if he was healthy. I know she's not to entirely blame and his responsiblity it to me...etc etc. She's just a persistent nuisance making the whole process longer.

 

He doesn't get to walk back in the door and do nothing, he's got to go to therapy and stay away from her and do marriage counseling.

 

I see the enabling I do, I'm working on that. It'd difficult because I never know what the RIGHT thing to do is. It's never easy. And please don't tell me the RIGHT thing to do is serve him papers and walk away.

[Whoknew30]

So many assumptions in this post. The op comes here for support, this is unnecessary. Her kids are teens and I don't get how having breakfast and spending some time with their dad is such a horrible example. I don't think you need to pray for her children, there is nothing in her posts that say she isn't taking care of them. I'm not sure why you chose to throw stones about her parenting, are you perfect? And do you always set a perfect example for your children? I know I am not, I do my best and I am sure I make mistakes. During your affair or your husbands were you both perfect examples to the kids? I doubt it, so maybe remember no one is perfect all of time.

 

The reason for my post is bc she was on another thread putting a 100% blame on her H about their family. Saying how awful he is being & then "he isn't that bad". As for my kids (boy or girl) darn right I'll never teach them their value is based on anyone else but themselves, this particular situation goes beyond just her as a BS...she's allowing him to do to their kids what she allows him to do to her. It's fine for a BS to enable behavior like that to themselves but not kids...it's just not ok.

 

During my H & I our problems...my daughter was never 2nd to either of us & that's coming from her own words. Having an A & being a crappy parent aren't the same. If my H would have stopped seeing our daughter...that's all I'd have to see to know what kind of person he really is...not defend him & try to bring him back after he treated my kids that way...let me ask, would you get back with your spouse that wouldn't see your kids for awhile?

 

There is no prefect & there also all the way in left field. That's this situation.

[Whoknew30]

The truth according to whom??....

 

As for therapy...

 

Logical truth...someone keeps leaving you, you keep taking them back with no consequence...logically what do you think comes next?

[understand50]

Actually, no...I do see her as a symptom. he wouldn't have done this with her, even if she was a disease if he was healthy. I know she's not to entirely blame and his responsiblity it to me...etc etc. She's just a persistent nuisance making the whole process longer.

 

He doesn't get to walk back in the door and do nothing, he's got to go to therapy and stay away from her and do marriage counseling.

 

I see the enabling I do, I'm working on that. It'd difficult because I never know what the RIGHT thing to do is. It's never easy. And please don't tell me the RIGHT thing to do is serve him papers and walk away.

 

AileD,

 

Again, your path is what you decide. Remember, reading all sides will help in formatting your decision. Your husband is acting really badly and weakly, many would just kick him to the curb. I respect that you are not doing that, and I think your strategy is the right one. You must see things in him that you can not describe in writing. In any case, he is one lucky man, to have you.

 

This will be hit or miss. There is no set path for doing what you are trying. Hopefully, he is seeing the "light" and will come to see just what he is messing up. Hang in there.

 

As always I wish you luck.....

[dreamingoftigers]

He works, I don't. He hasn't taken any money away. He lives off approx $120 per month and the rest goes to the family.

 

I don't think he's as heartless as you all think. Yes he's confused. Yes he does have narcissistic qualities. He had some trauma in his childhood so I can see that has greatly affected him . I married sickness and health and saw this is a sickness

 

AlleD, I have to point something out that really shifted my thinking in my own separation last year.

 

There was no OW, but he had a drinking problem and he went off the rails for awhile (months) until he realized he was 110% losing us. I was actually going to file the day that he called me telling me he went to get treatment. (I am not sure if he knows that or not).

 

Yes. It may be a sickness. It may be a disorder. It might be whatever you want to label it.

 

One of the hardest things I had to learn and watch was that I had to respect my husband's choices, even if they were totally messed-up destructive choices. He is an adult that gets to choose his life and relationships. The other side of that coin is that he doesn't get to choose the consequences of that. And your husband deserves every consequence coming his way. Don't try to shield him from that. My mother did that for over 30 years and my father did nothing but get away with as much as he could.

 

She saw him as a "hurt kid with this screwed-up childhood."

But the bigger issue was that she defended / protected / tried to reason with him / be extra nice to him while he was screwing up MY childhood.

 

When my husband started acting like my father, at first I tried "niceing" him too. Things got much worse. Finally, I just let him go.

 

Because I had to realize that my husband was no longer a "hurt kid with a bad childhood." He HAD BEEN a hurt kid. But now he was a dysfunctional adult who was HURTING MY KID by not being a functional father.

 

So, I refused to put up with that garbage anymore. I straight-up told him he could do whatever he wanted, but that the consequences of his actions were 100% on him and I wouldn't budge one inch on that, and he damn well tested me too. Addicts always do.

 

In your case, your husband is a certifiable idiot. A complete and total short-sighted idiot who was given a second chance and he pissed all over it. Now his children get to watch their idiot father live in a van with a 20 year-old.

 

Yes, he was a hurt kid. Yes, he clearly isn't all that bright. But that's the "adult" he had become. And as a Mom, you need to let him go and serve his arse papers because you have a much bigger problem coming up: your kids seeing you role-model that any of this is okay, and to offer leniency to the certifiable idiot.

 

It shows your kids that if they get involved with a certifiable idiot, that you be extra nice to them, take their crap and try to save them from themselves. Terrible lessons for kids.

 

It is heart-wrenching to leave behind someone you love. But in this case you are NOT leaving him behind. He left you behind. HE SCREWED YOU OVER BIGTIME. I don't care what money he gives you, he's abusing you bigtime and acting like it is YOUR fault.

 

He isn't treating you as his wife. He is treating you like your house is a flop house until he can date around and find the next girl with the magical vagina who will "save him" from his own stupidity. He will do this again and again if you let him. Because he's an idiot.

 

It's not because "you nag him" or "you gained weight" or "you aged" or "your marriage was bad" or "he's stressed." It's because he is a complete, total idiot when it comes to his marital responsibilities.

 

And it is one thing to say "he isn't heartless."

 

Maybe not. Maybe he's an total idiot with the biggest heart in the world who can't keep his pants zipped to save his life.

 

However, one thing he isn't is respectful. He does not RESPECT you, your children or even the dumb chick in the van with him.

 

If he respected you, he would stop whinging and invest in the marriage, be completely remorseful and do whatever it took to repair things. OR he would at the very least divorce you reasonably. If he respected your children he wouldn't put you through anything remotely close to this. If he respected his "van girlfriend" he would not have gotten involved with her until he was divorced or at least separated. And he would have prepared his children emotionally for this nuclear bomb he's blown up in their lives.

 

I believe most dysfunction comes from a lack of respect. He is a disrespectful man and for that he deserves to be fired from this marriage (and a cannon).

[OneLov]

 

 

 

I"m not making excuses for him, I'm just telling you whats going on.

 

 

A normal man will think "oh damn, she's serious! I better stop this nonsense and get back before I ruin my life".

 

My husband doesn't think like that. He thinks "another person wants to leave me, everyone leaves me, I'm destined to be alone in this life, no one loves me anyway, I might as well just disappear"

 

yeah, sad him. poor baby right? well yeah.. poor him. But he's got a screwed up history and has been stuck in victim cycle since he was 5 years old.

 

Sure I can leave him alone but I'm his wife. We've been together forever. You get through stuff with people you love. ..... I don't believe I should leave in the middle of a crisis just because my feelings are getting hurt.

 

If that makes me a ****ty person,then so be it.

 

But you ARE making excuses for him. This is co-dependent thinking at best, and at worst, martyrdom. He's not a little child; he doesn't need you to save him from himself. I know it's difficult, but you have to unshackle yourself from him if you ever want to see his true intent. If you keep making excuses for him, he'll just crawl back into his shell.

[Mr. Lucky]

And please don't tell me the RIGHT thing to do is serve him papers and walk away.

 

I'll just say this - since he's been involved with the OW, you've left the door open and the porch light on for him.

 

How has that worked for you ???

 

Even if (and perhaps especially if) you goal is to stay in the marriage, you need to change tactics and make him see what he stands to lose. Right now he's got a hall pass, step one would be revoking that immediately...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

Trying to have strength

 

We didn't talk or text at all Today. Not once.

 

I'm sad about that. I know he talked to my son and his sister but not me.

 

After him being here Friday and the picking him up incident on Saturday, I am so confused about everything.

 

I'm just sad today.

[OneLov]

Trying to have strength

 

We didn't talk or text at all Today. Not once.

 

I'm sad about that. I know he talked to my son and his sister but not me.

 

After him being here Friday and the picking him up incident on Saturday, I am so confused about everything.

 

I'm just sad today.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish I could say something that would actually help with that. I can't; it sucks. Hang in there.

[ShatteredLady]

"I'm just sad today.".

 

((((Hugs))))

 

I'm so very, very sorry. I have times when I just can't....just can't even think anymore & I'm just profoundly, terminally sad.

 

I just wish that he hadn't done it. I wish he hadn't done it to ME, or US or our lovely little family. I wish he hadn't done it to HIM.

 

He says that at the time he didn't think. He was like a giant insect that just reacted to things. He was desperately depressed, so bloody guilty that he became this complete stranger, trying to justify why he was screwing our whole lives up.

[aileD]

Thanks ladies. Yes the sadness sucks.

 

I did break down and send him a message thru Facebook which he won't get until tomorrow. But only to share something about our daughter.

 

Our daughter is almost 16. She's strong willed, doesn't show emotion much, and hard headed and opinionated and holds grudges and all that fun teen stuff. She had a rocky relationship with her dad before this because they are both so much alike that they clashed a lot.

 

This just made her act like she hates him. Recently asked if we could sell his stuff to make more room in the house, asked if we could get a dog now that he's gone, she doesn't answer his texts and doesn't interact much with him in the few occasions he's been here.

 

It's hard to get thru to her I know she is hurting but she won't talk to me.

 

She's been sad for a couple weeks and I thought maybe she got dumped bla bla

 

Tonight she asked to sleep in my bed. That's odd. Of course I said yes. I had a pic of her dad on his pillow and when I came in it was gone. I figured she threw it or ripped it up of something. I asked her if she'd see seen it.

 

She pulled it out from inside her pillowcase

 

She misses him she just won't say it. This is why I'm fighting to save our marriage.

 

Anyway I just wrote him a message telling him that story

Edited August 15, 2016 by aileD
Autocorrect hates me

[ShatteredLady]

Oh your poor kids. He's stolen something from them that can never be returned. I don't know if I could ever forgive him...but I've had people say the same to me regarding my WH.

 

I just wish that it could stop for all of you. It must be excruciating to wait to this every morning. Are you taking care of yourself? Health? Diet? Brain?

 

I kept having the most terrible panic attacks. He gave me a prescription for 'as needed' anxiety meds. They really do help me when I just can't breath & think.

 

Do you have a good support system of family & friends around you? It's so sad about your SIL. Just such a tragedy to compromise so very much of your life. To sacrifice your belief in love, loyalty, marriage, meaning. Heart breaking.

[wmacbride]

OP,

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. It's such a bad place to be in.

 

I know how hard it can be to let go. It's not just letting g of your ws, but letting go of what he represents...family, love, your dream of what your life would be like.

 

Those things are all good to have, but right now, he is not the person who can provide them. He is more like a child, throwing a tantrum and rebelling against "mommy" ( right now, that's you).

 

Ye, he may have been through a rough time in his childhood, and yes, he may be in crisis. Those are terrible things. You sound like a "fixer", someone who has a huge heart and who wants to see the good in people and help them. the problem in your situation is that you can't help him, and he will take advantage of any of your attempts to do so, no matter how much it hurts you.

 

One thing the psychologist my husband saw for his PTSD told us when she saw us together is that as horrible as it might sound to say it, a person who has been psychologically wounded will sometimes feel almost entitled to treat others badly if it means they are getting what they want. That sounds liek what your husband is doing to you.

 

It's really hard, but you need to let him go. You are not giving up on your marriage, you are protecting yourself and your children. One day, your ws may come to his senses, but until then, put you and your children first. He has made his choices. You need to make yours.

Edited August 15, 2016 by wmacbride

[aileD]

Thank you guys.

 

Some other stuff happened and don't feel much like talking right now but will say---

 

- yes I'm a fixer.

- yes he is following a "cycle of abuse" as my therapist puts it, with him in the victim role.

 

Sigh. I hate manipulation stuff, and it does seem the more I ignore him the more he wants to talk to me. I hate that. It doesn't feel honest.

Edited August 15, 2016 by aileD

[cocorico]

 

 

I hesitate in using the "file for divorce, show him you're serious with papers but you don't really have to divorce" strategy on a person who has been abandoned his entire life. By his mother, by his father, by his stepmother, by his church, by the people that were supposed to take care of him...etc.

 

A normal man will think "oh damn, she's serious! I better stop this nonsense and get back before I ruin my life".

 

My husband doesn't think like that. He thinks "another person wants to leave me, everyone leaves me, I'm destined to be alone in this life, no one loves me anyway, I might as well just disappear"

 

yeah, sad him. poor baby right? well yeah.. poor him. But he's got a screwed up history and has been stuck in victim cycle since he was 5 years old.

 

Sure I can leave him alone but I'm his wife. We've been together forever. You get through stuff with people you love. I can clearly see a relation to his past in EVERYTHING that we've gone through. He is finally going to counseling, I don't believe I should leave in the middle of a crisis just because my feelings are getting hurt.

 

If that makes me a ****ty person,then so be it.

 

Ailed, you remind me of how my H was with his xW. He made every excuse in the book for her. She treated him awfully, and when others pointed this out to him, he told them how terrible a childhood she'd had. How no one understood her. How sooner or later everyone left her. How he'd promised - as a teenager (she's older) to protect her, and how he'd stood by that for more than three decades. How he was the only one she trusted, the only one who hadn't let her down, how he had this duty to deliver on that trust - however badly she treated him, or others. He was all that stood between her and the abyss. It was up to him....

 

He wasted decades of his life with that attitude. But worse, his kids saw it and learned from it, and developed issues of their own. And one day, during a separation she initiated (moving out to be with OM) he realised that it was like hitting his head against a brick wall - so good when it stopped.

 

He did take her back after she begged to come home, when her OM dumped her, because the kids were struggling (they'd been traumatised by the way she left). She promised to go to MC, promised all sorts of things, which of course she didn't deliver. But he had learned enough during that separation, and went to IC and when his kids were old enough and expressed support for him leaving, he left her. She apparently has a new sucker now. Given her age, this one might last her out.

 

Your WS isn't going to change, however much he promises counselling "one day", or that he'll leave "once OW has her new flat", or whatever. He'll still be this broken person looking for someone else to protect him against the big bad world where everyone is mean to him, no one understands him and everyone ultimately lets him down. And you will always have to be that person standing between him and the world, however badly he treats you, your kids, everyone else, because otherwise you will be "just another person he thought he could trust, who let him down" - and your KISA won't allow you to accept that. And your kids will watch and learn, and weave his issues, and your issues, into a complex fabric together with their own and wear that around them like a shawl.

 

You have one life. It's up to you how you spend it, but if you bring kids into the world, you owe them the best start you can give them. Teaching them that this is the best relationships can be isn't doing them a favour. Seeing their mother effacing herself so that their father can treat her badly isn't giving them affirmative models about their own genders, or other genders.

 

If you can't do it for yourself, at least do it for them. They need to feel good about the,selves, not just afraid about how mean the world is.

[Lobe]

The thing is that you don't really want to "win" out of psychological manipulation, do you?

 

The 180 isn't about "manipulation" it's about setting healthy boundaries, and moving forward instead of being stagnant, a side effect of which is often having the bottom brought up for the WS.

 

"Manipulation" on the other hand is her WH snaking his way back in and out of the house and using his abuse and addiction to the OW as excuses for treating his wife and kids like disposable diapers while he gets to string both women along with the promise of, "Ill make up my mind soon..." It's like a junkie trying to kick the habit, but his wife keeps buying him one last hit, one more time. Or giving a gambler just one more $20, just one last time. And we all know that kicking an addiction doesn't work with weaning so you have to let the addict be alone with their demons and come to their own conclusions. When a BS (or OW) uses the 180 strictly as manipulation, it usually fails, because you are trying to use it AGAINST the wayward, not FOR yourself.

 

aileD,

 

Stop thinking of the 180 as a way to force him to come home and start thinking pragmatically. Best case scenario is he wakes up and comes home. Worst case scenario, he decides to go marry this girl. In the meantime, since he's choosing to live in his vehicle, you need to put your healthy boundaries in place and start moving forward.

 

Healthy boundaries. Stick to your guns. When he comes, he should behave as and be treated as a guest who isn't staying overnight. After he finishes doing work on the house or yard, thank him kindly and send him on his way. Don't offer for him to come home again. At all. Take that option off the table. And stop sending him on guilt trips - you're just giving her something to console him over. All communication that does not directly involve the business of running the homestead, working on the cabin, or making visitation arrangements for the children is off the able.

 

Moving forward. Now, I know you don't want to serve him with divorce papers but at the very least you should sit down and work on a separation agreement that protects you and your kids financially. Being legally separated requires an agreement every bit as much as divorce. Maybe it won't go on forever, but maybe it goes on for another 10 years or it could go on indefinitely and you can't be left holding the back without legal protection for you and those kids, especially if Miss Chippy there decides to let your WH impregnate her - that child will be entitled to support as well so you better make sure your @sses are covered.

 

It's fine to hope on hope itself that he is going to come home but in the meantime, don't be foolish - you are the only one capable of making decisions in the best interest of your kids right now and you're already collateral damage by default, so it's time to put on your big girl panties and protect yourself and your kids.

[heartwhole]

AileD, what do you think is your main motivating factor in hanging on?

 

I reread your original post:

 

He's completely in love with her, wanted to divorce so he could marry her. I was beside myself. Things were moving quick. Her parents found out and kicked her out of her home, he was ready to leave me right there to save her and I'm like "NO". LOL.

 

Have you ever seen the Seinfeld episode where George tries to break up with someone, but she says that a breakup is like launching nuclear weapons and both people need to "turn their key"? You've just refused to turn your key.

 

Worse is that our kids found out. Now they know. I've been trying to keep my marriage together and hold on.

 

What will you do differently come September 1? It must be exhausting to hold on to something so heavy all by yourself. I think you'll feel relief once you agree to turn your key and let go.

 

I'm afraid that what you're teaching your children is that if you have a good excuse, then you can behave however you want. You can hurt and abuse your loved ones. There's no personality responsibility as long as you have a really good excuse.

 

With my chronic illness, sometimes I am just so tired and overwhelmed that I snap at my kids. But do I think either me or my husband should say, "It's not Mommy's fault because she's sick. It's OK that she yelled at you." NO. I'm a grown up who chose to have kids. I didn't choose to be sick, but it's not an excuse to mistreat my loved ones. I need to learn strategies for overcoming my difficulties. When I mess up, I apologize and own it, fully. No excuses. Something bad happening to me does not mean I get a free pass to make bad things happen to my family.

[Mr. Lucky]

This is why I'm fighting to save our marriage.

 

Anyway I just wrote him a message telling him that story

 

I don't question your goals. Each BS decides "stay or go" for their own reasons.

 

I do question your strategy.

 

By not forcing your H's relationship with his OW to play out away from your marriage, you're prolonging the misery for every one involved.

 

He can't drag you through this "back and forth" drama without your consent. Take away the permission and see what happens when he confronts the reality of losing his family and living with a 20-year old.

 

And that's not abandoning him. If someone goes away and steps off a bridge, I didn't let go - they jumped...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BettyDraper]

AileD, what do you think is your main motivating factor in hanging on?

 

I reread your original post:

 

 

 

Have you ever seen the Seinfeld episode where George tries to break up with someone, but she says that a breakup is like launching nuclear weapons and both people need to "turn their key"? You've just refused to turn your key.

 

 

 

What will you do differently come September 1? It must be exhausting to hold on to something so heavy all by yourself. I think you'll feel relief once you agree to turn your key and let go.

 

I'm afraid that what you're teaching your children is that if you have a good excuse, then you can behave however you want. You can hurt and abuse your loved ones. There's no personality responsibility as long as you have a really good excuse.

 

With my chronic illness, sometimes I am just so tired and overwhelmed that I snap at my kids. But do I think either me or my husband should say, "It's not Mommy's fault because she's sick. It's OK that she yelled at you." NO. I'm a grown up who chose to have kids. I didn't choose to be sick, but it's not an excuse to mistreat my loved ones. I need to learn strategies for overcoming my difficulties. When I mess up, I apologize and own it, fully. No excuses. Something bad happening to me does not mean I get a free pass to make bad things happen to my family.

 

This. You sound like a great mom!

 

I have very little sympathy for those who use a bad childhood as an excuse to be abusive to others. My childhood was terrible in some ways but that doesn't mean that everyone else in my life should suffer for what I survived.

 

OP, I know that many parents will stay in awful marriages for their children and I'm not going to pretend that isn't a strong motivation just because I'm not a mother.

 

You may want to think about what you and your husband are modeling for your children in terms of what love looks like. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that a man can mistreat her if he had childhood difficulties? Do you want your son believing that he can cheat on his future wife if they have kids because she'll never leave?

[ladydesigner]

AllieD I agree with many of the other posters. If he is still living with the OW you need to go NC with him only for the kids and finances. You need to also file for D and just see what happens. In the meantime you should really start detaching from the situation.

 

Give yourself a deadline for when he needs to be home, if he can't do it then plow forward with the D.

 

He is one of the worst examples I have seen living out of a car! What kind of F**king father lives out of his OW's car! I just can't

 

You and your daughter deserve so much more than your moron of a H is mustering up.

[aileD]

Thanks guys, I appreciate all the advice and I'm taking it all in.

 

Ill try to address some things from my phone so sorry I won't be using the quote option...

 

-I just want to say he doesn't use his childhood as an excuse....he barely tells about it, I'm the one connecting all the dots there. Maybe he is using it, but not consciously. If that makes sense.

 

-I haven't seen that Seinfield episode but I get what you're saying.

 

-my main motivation in staying? Several:

*I love him

*I took my vows seriously (talking about Me here...I know he broke his but that doesn't change the way I feel

*our family and kids and life together

*I see that even though he's close to rock bottom he's finally addressing some of the childhood stuff and I don't feel or want to give up if that's something we can work thru and help with our marriage

 

-I agree with Mr Lucky that my strategy is probably all wrong and I'm probably making things worse because I can't set actual decent boundaries

 

-my kids aren't seeing any of what's going on right now other than he isn't home and he's trying to figure things out. When he was home and still seeing her they heard more. If/when he comes home, it will be to work on our marriage, so hopefully--(maybe I'm being too idealistic?)--they will see that we went thru hard times bit worked together to go to counseling and make things better and learn to treat each other better and with their counseling I hope it will end up a postive ending for our family and lessons.

 

Today I'm still upset with him. He didn't text or talk to me at all yesterday. I texted something this morning and he responded that I was right, he can't be sneaking off, he needs to deal with it and he is dealing with it and it's hard and he cares for her and she will be in an apartment in two weeks.

 

I asked him if he was going to drag this out for two more weeks and to call me because texting wasn't working for me anymore (he tends to not answer the exact question). He never replied (he WAS at work, so I'm mad but also not because he can't always talk at work).

 

So I tell him that I dont know why I'm even chasing someone who doesn't care about me or want me anyway and to call the guy about kids counseling because it can't wait anymore.

 

Then I sent him a YouTube video from affair recovery that was about "when to stop saving the marriage and start saving yourself"

 

He didn't answer for awhile then said for me to "calm your horses, I told her I was going to go back and work on the marriage. It's been difficult. Just stop freaking out"

 

I ignored him

He sent me a link to a homesteading video

I ignored him

He texted me he emailed the counselor about the kids

I ignored him

He texted "she's asked me to stay the two weeks. I'm thinking about it"

I ignored him

He called me

I didn't answer

He Facebook messenged me (gives a read receipt)

I ignored him

He texts me that he tried to call

 

At this point I just sent him a text saying "I can't talk now". I was still angry and hurt and didn't want to say something I might regret

 

I went out with my kids and niece and to visit my cousin in the hospital and spent the whole day away.

 

So yeah- stronger a little

 

 

But now this. Yeah He's said he made the decision to come and work on the marriage. But (as we all knew) he's gonna drag it out the two weeks til she's in an apartment.

 

How do I even respond to that? Yes, I want him to come home and work on the marriage. I would like him to get rid of her now so he can spend time alone to get his head straight before he comes home. But I know he's thinking this is the last two weeks he can spend with her because he knows he has to go no contact forever.

 

I can't even think of what to say or how to handle that now because I'm still kind of angry that he ignored me all day yesterday and I don't want to respond in anger or be snarky and sarcastic like I usually am.

 

Do I ride it out the two weeks? Do I demand he come home now?

 

I don't even know. I'm too angry and upset to even think of what the right thing to do is so I'm just not responding. i think that's the best thing for right now.

Edited August 16, 2016 by aileD
Autocorrect hates me

[heartwhole]

Well, as far as boundaries and self-respect go, I would vote not to give him permission to continue an affair for two more weeks. But we've all been over that, and you're already where you are.

 

Practically speaking, though, assuming you are fine with the affair continuing another two weeks, I still worry that this is not the way to get what you want, which is him home and in NC with her. If he can't live without her now, what's going to change in two weeks? He says he can't leave her living alone in a car, but if he dumped her and she wasn't in an affair, then her parents would let her stay with them until Sept 1, right? So graciously continuing to have an affair with her to offer her protection while she lives in her car doesn't really hold water IMO. He could end it now. Nothing will change by Sept 1 except that living together will be much more pleasant for them. I would rate your chances that he moves in with her much higher than the chances that he suddenly becomes able to commit to NC.

 

Look, I don't play games either. I really don't. But psychologically speaking, when you look at how he reacts when you withdraw, you see that he then starts chasing you (a barrage of emails, texts, and FB messages). And then you immediately say, "Oh, OK honey, I love you, I'm here, I just want you home, the kids miss you," and then he feels secure in having you as his Plan B and retreats to his love mobile with the kid. So, no, don't go play games, but look at your patterns and understand that you'll keep getting more of the same if you keep doing the same things.

 

Frankly, if it were me, I'd say, "If you stay the two weeks, then I have my answer. Please only contact me about the kids." And then don't cave two hours later and send him some YouTube video. Read Chump Lady every time you want to want to do that. Start developing some new habits. (I think Chump Lady lacks nuance, but you need some more outrage in your life.)

 

You're refusing to turn your key, and it's working, but she's refusing to turn her key, and it's working too. She believes that if he stays two weeks, he'll be so hooked and their eternal flame will burn even hotter and then he won't be going anywhere come Sept 1. She's thinking, "Yeah, he SAYS he's going back to his marriage, but he's said that before, and he's right here with me, not with her."

[turnera]

Frankly, if it were me, I'd say, "If you stay the two weeks, then I have my answer. Please only contact me about the kids." And then don't cave two hours later and send him some YouTube video. Read Chump Lady every time you want to want to do that. Start developing some new habits. (I think Chump Lady lacks nuance, but you need some more outrage in your life.)

Quoted for truth. If you take him back after two weeks, he WILL cheat again because you will have taught him that you - for whatever reason - are his own personal doormat to wipe his feet on.

 

The ONLY way I have ever seen, in 15 years of doing these forums, for a woman to get her husband to stop cheating is to put the fear of God into him that she will DUMP HIM if he doesn't immediately cut it out. Every woman who does what you're doing has come back and said we were right, he's cheating again.

 

It's your choice, but I'll say this: you only get one life; why waste it being miserable? And don't forget, this is all teaching your kids how to be as adults.

[Mr. Lucky]

Do I ride it out the two weeks? Do I demand he come home now?

 

I don't even know. I'm too angry and upset to even think of what the right thing to do is so I'm just not responding. i think that's the best thing for right now.

 

If he stays with her two more weeks, how many hours discussing their future is that? How many "I love you's" does he say to her in 14 days?

 

How many times will they sleep together?

 

Think about what you're saying OK to, how far your boundaries, assuming they still exist, have been pushed. You seem to feel that, in order to save a marriage, you have to permit something that's about as far from matrimony as one can get. Even in the crazy world of infidelity, doesn't make sense...

 

Mr. Lucky