Wish me luck [updated from 'not sure what's going on']

[ShatteredLady]

Oh your poor kids. He's stolen something from them that can never be returned. I don't know if I could ever forgive him...but I've had people say the same to me regarding my WH.

 

I just wish that it could stop for all of you. It must be excruciating to wait to this every morning. Are you taking care of yourself? Health? Diet? Brain?

 

I kept having the most terrible panic attacks. He gave me a prescription for 'as needed' anxiety meds. They really do help me when I just can't breath & think.

 

Do you have a good support system of family & friends around you? It's so sad about your SIL. Just such a tragedy to compromise so very much of your life. To sacrifice your belief in love, loyalty, marriage, meaning. Heart breaking.

[wmacbride]

OP,

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. It's such a bad place to be in.

 

I know how hard it can be to let go. It's not just letting g of your ws, but letting go of what he represents...family, love, your dream of what your life would be like.

 

Those things are all good to have, but right now, he is not the person who can provide them. He is more like a child, throwing a tantrum and rebelling against "mommy" ( right now, that's you).

 

Ye, he may have been through a rough time in his childhood, and yes, he may be in crisis. Those are terrible things. You sound like a "fixer", someone who has a huge heart and who wants to see the good in people and help them. the problem in your situation is that you can't help him, and he will take advantage of any of your attempts to do so, no matter how much it hurts you.

 

One thing the psychologist my husband saw for his PTSD told us when she saw us together is that as horrible as it might sound to say it, a person who has been psychologically wounded will sometimes feel almost entitled to treat others badly if it means they are getting what they want. That sounds liek what your husband is doing to you.

 

It's really hard, but you need to let him go. You are not giving up on your marriage, you are protecting yourself and your children. One day, your ws may come to his senses, but until then, put you and your children first. He has made his choices. You need to make yours.

Edited August 15, 2016 by wmacbride

[aileD]

Thank you guys.

 

Some other stuff happened and don't feel much like talking right now but will say---

 

- yes I'm a fixer.

- yes he is following a "cycle of abuse" as my therapist puts it, with him in the victim role.

 

Sigh. I hate manipulation stuff, and it does seem the more I ignore him the more he wants to talk to me. I hate that. It doesn't feel honest.

Edited August 15, 2016 by aileD

[cocorico]

 

 

I hesitate in using the "file for divorce, show him you're serious with papers but you don't really have to divorce" strategy on a person who has been abandoned his entire life. By his mother, by his father, by his stepmother, by his church, by the people that were supposed to take care of him...etc.

 

A normal man will think "oh damn, she's serious! I better stop this nonsense and get back before I ruin my life".

 

My husband doesn't think like that. He thinks "another person wants to leave me, everyone leaves me, I'm destined to be alone in this life, no one loves me anyway, I might as well just disappear"

 

yeah, sad him. poor baby right? well yeah.. poor him. But he's got a screwed up history and has been stuck in victim cycle since he was 5 years old.

 

Sure I can leave him alone but I'm his wife. We've been together forever. You get through stuff with people you love. I can clearly see a relation to his past in EVERYTHING that we've gone through. He is finally going to counseling, I don't believe I should leave in the middle of a crisis just because my feelings are getting hurt.

 

If that makes me a ****ty person,then so be it.

 

Ailed, you remind me of how my H was with his xW. He made every excuse in the book for her. She treated him awfully, and when others pointed this out to him, he told them how terrible a childhood she'd had. How no one understood her. How sooner or later everyone left her. How he'd promised - as a teenager (she's older) to protect her, and how he'd stood by that for more than three decades. How he was the only one she trusted, the only one who hadn't let her down, how he had this duty to deliver on that trust - however badly she treated him, or others. He was all that stood between her and the abyss. It was up to him....

 

He wasted decades of his life with that attitude. But worse, his kids saw it and learned from it, and developed issues of their own. And one day, during a separation she initiated (moving out to be with OM) he realised that it was like hitting his head against a brick wall - so good when it stopped.

 

He did take her back after she begged to come home, when her OM dumped her, because the kids were struggling (they'd been traumatised by the way she left). She promised to go to MC, promised all sorts of things, which of course she didn't deliver. But he had learned enough during that separation, and went to IC and when his kids were old enough and expressed support for him leaving, he left her. She apparently has a new sucker now. Given her age, this one might last her out.

 

Your WS isn't going to change, however much he promises counselling "one day", or that he'll leave "once OW has her new flat", or whatever. He'll still be this broken person looking for someone else to protect him against the big bad world where everyone is mean to him, no one understands him and everyone ultimately lets him down. And you will always have to be that person standing between him and the world, however badly he treats you, your kids, everyone else, because otherwise you will be "just another person he thought he could trust, who let him down" - and your KISA won't allow you to accept that. And your kids will watch and learn, and weave his issues, and your issues, into a complex fabric together with their own and wear that around them like a shawl.

 

You have one life. It's up to you how you spend it, but if you bring kids into the world, you owe them the best start you can give them. Teaching them that this is the best relationships can be isn't doing them a favour. Seeing their mother effacing herself so that their father can treat her badly isn't giving them affirmative models about their own genders, or other genders.

 

If you can't do it for yourself, at least do it for them. They need to feel good about the,selves, not just afraid about how mean the world is.

[Lobe]

The thing is that you don't really want to "win" out of psychological manipulation, do you?

 

The 180 isn't about "manipulation" it's about setting healthy boundaries, and moving forward instead of being stagnant, a side effect of which is often having the bottom brought up for the WS.

 

"Manipulation" on the other hand is her WH snaking his way back in and out of the house and using his abuse and addiction to the OW as excuses for treating his wife and kids like disposable diapers while he gets to string both women along with the promise of, "Ill make up my mind soon..." It's like a junkie trying to kick the habit, but his wife keeps buying him one last hit, one more time. Or giving a gambler just one more $20, just one last time. And we all know that kicking an addiction doesn't work with weaning so you have to let the addict be alone with their demons and come to their own conclusions. When a BS (or OW) uses the 180 strictly as manipulation, it usually fails, because you are trying to use it AGAINST the wayward, not FOR yourself.

 

aileD,

 

Stop thinking of the 180 as a way to force him to come home and start thinking pragmatically. Best case scenario is he wakes up and comes home. Worst case scenario, he decides to go marry this girl. In the meantime, since he's choosing to live in his vehicle, you need to put your healthy boundaries in place and start moving forward.

 

Healthy boundaries. Stick to your guns. When he comes, he should behave as and be treated as a guest who isn't staying overnight. After he finishes doing work on the house or yard, thank him kindly and send him on his way. Don't offer for him to come home again. At all. Take that option off the table. And stop sending him on guilt trips - you're just giving her something to console him over. All communication that does not directly involve the business of running the homestead, working on the cabin, or making visitation arrangements for the children is off the able.

 

Moving forward. Now, I know you don't want to serve him with divorce papers but at the very least you should sit down and work on a separation agreement that protects you and your kids financially. Being legally separated requires an agreement every bit as much as divorce. Maybe it won't go on forever, but maybe it goes on for another 10 years or it could go on indefinitely and you can't be left holding the back without legal protection for you and those kids, especially if Miss Chippy there decides to let your WH impregnate her - that child will be entitled to support as well so you better make sure your @sses are covered.

 

It's fine to hope on hope itself that he is going to come home but in the meantime, don't be foolish - you are the only one capable of making decisions in the best interest of your kids right now and you're already collateral damage by default, so it's time to put on your big girl panties and protect yourself and your kids.

[heartwhole]

AileD, what do you think is your main motivating factor in hanging on?

 

I reread your original post:

 

He's completely in love with her, wanted to divorce so he could marry her. I was beside myself. Things were moving quick. Her parents found out and kicked her out of her home, he was ready to leave me right there to save her and I'm like "NO". LOL.

 

Have you ever seen the Seinfeld episode where George tries to break up with someone, but she says that a breakup is like launching nuclear weapons and both people need to "turn their key"? You've just refused to turn your key.

 

Worse is that our kids found out. Now they know. I've been trying to keep my marriage together and hold on.

 

What will you do differently come September 1? It must be exhausting to hold on to something so heavy all by yourself. I think you'll feel relief once you agree to turn your key and let go.

 

I'm afraid that what you're teaching your children is that if you have a good excuse, then you can behave however you want. You can hurt and abuse your loved ones. There's no personality responsibility as long as you have a really good excuse.

 

With my chronic illness, sometimes I am just so tired and overwhelmed that I snap at my kids. But do I think either me or my husband should say, "It's not Mommy's fault because she's sick. It's OK that she yelled at you." NO. I'm a grown up who chose to have kids. I didn't choose to be sick, but it's not an excuse to mistreat my loved ones. I need to learn strategies for overcoming my difficulties. When I mess up, I apologize and own it, fully. No excuses. Something bad happening to me does not mean I get a free pass to make bad things happen to my family.

[Mr. Lucky]

This is why I'm fighting to save our marriage.

 

Anyway I just wrote him a message telling him that story

 

I don't question your goals. Each BS decides "stay or go" for their own reasons.

 

I do question your strategy.

 

By not forcing your H's relationship with his OW to play out away from your marriage, you're prolonging the misery for every one involved.

 

He can't drag you through this "back and forth" drama without your consent. Take away the permission and see what happens when he confronts the reality of losing his family and living with a 20-year old.

 

And that's not abandoning him. If someone goes away and steps off a bridge, I didn't let go - they jumped...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BettyDraper]

AileD, what do you think is your main motivating factor in hanging on?

 

I reread your original post:

 

 

 

Have you ever seen the Seinfeld episode where George tries to break up with someone, but she says that a breakup is like launching nuclear weapons and both people need to "turn their key"? You've just refused to turn your key.

 

 

 

What will you do differently come September 1? It must be exhausting to hold on to something so heavy all by yourself. I think you'll feel relief once you agree to turn your key and let go.

 

I'm afraid that what you're teaching your children is that if you have a good excuse, then you can behave however you want. You can hurt and abuse your loved ones. There's no personality responsibility as long as you have a really good excuse.

 

With my chronic illness, sometimes I am just so tired and overwhelmed that I snap at my kids. But do I think either me or my husband should say, "It's not Mommy's fault because she's sick. It's OK that she yelled at you." NO. I'm a grown up who chose to have kids. I didn't choose to be sick, but it's not an excuse to mistreat my loved ones. I need to learn strategies for overcoming my difficulties. When I mess up, I apologize and own it, fully. No excuses. Something bad happening to me does not mean I get a free pass to make bad things happen to my family.

 

This. You sound like a great mom!

 

I have very little sympathy for those who use a bad childhood as an excuse to be abusive to others. My childhood was terrible in some ways but that doesn't mean that everyone else in my life should suffer for what I survived.

 

OP, I know that many parents will stay in awful marriages for their children and I'm not going to pretend that isn't a strong motivation just because I'm not a mother.

 

You may want to think about what you and your husband are modeling for your children in terms of what love looks like. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that a man can mistreat her if he had childhood difficulties? Do you want your son believing that he can cheat on his future wife if they have kids because she'll never leave?

[ladydesigner]

AllieD I agree with many of the other posters. If he is still living with the OW you need to go NC with him only for the kids and finances. You need to also file for D and just see what happens. In the meantime you should really start detaching from the situation.

 

Give yourself a deadline for when he needs to be home, if he can't do it then plow forward with the D.

 

He is one of the worst examples I have seen living out of a car! What kind of F**king father lives out of his OW's car! I just can't

 

You and your daughter deserve so much more than your moron of a H is mustering up.

[aileD]

Thanks guys, I appreciate all the advice and I'm taking it all in.

 

Ill try to address some things from my phone so sorry I won't be using the quote option...

 

-I just want to say he doesn't use his childhood as an excuse....he barely tells about it, I'm the one connecting all the dots there. Maybe he is using it, but not consciously. If that makes sense.

 

-I haven't seen that Seinfield episode but I get what you're saying.

 

-my main motivation in staying? Several:

*I love him

*I took my vows seriously (talking about Me here...I know he broke his but that doesn't change the way I feel

*our family and kids and life together

*I see that even though he's close to rock bottom he's finally addressing some of the childhood stuff and I don't feel or want to give up if that's something we can work thru and help with our marriage

 

-I agree with Mr Lucky that my strategy is probably all wrong and I'm probably making things worse because I can't set actual decent boundaries

 

-my kids aren't seeing any of what's going on right now other than he isn't home and he's trying to figure things out. When he was home and still seeing her they heard more. If/when he comes home, it will be to work on our marriage, so hopefully--(maybe I'm being too idealistic?)--they will see that we went thru hard times bit worked together to go to counseling and make things better and learn to treat each other better and with their counseling I hope it will end up a postive ending for our family and lessons.

 

Today I'm still upset with him. He didn't text or talk to me at all yesterday. I texted something this morning and he responded that I was right, he can't be sneaking off, he needs to deal with it and he is dealing with it and it's hard and he cares for her and she will be in an apartment in two weeks.

 

I asked him if he was going to drag this out for two more weeks and to call me because texting wasn't working for me anymore (he tends to not answer the exact question). He never replied (he WAS at work, so I'm mad but also not because he can't always talk at work).

 

So I tell him that I dont know why I'm even chasing someone who doesn't care about me or want me anyway and to call the guy about kids counseling because it can't wait anymore.

 

Then I sent him a YouTube video from affair recovery that was about "when to stop saving the marriage and start saving yourself"

 

He didn't answer for awhile then said for me to "calm your horses, I told her I was going to go back and work on the marriage. It's been difficult. Just stop freaking out"

 

I ignored him

He sent me a link to a homesteading video

I ignored him

He texted me he emailed the counselor about the kids

I ignored him

He texted "she's asked me to stay the two weeks. I'm thinking about it"

I ignored him

He called me

I didn't answer

He Facebook messenged me (gives a read receipt)

I ignored him

He texts me that he tried to call

 

At this point I just sent him a text saying "I can't talk now". I was still angry and hurt and didn't want to say something I might regret

 

I went out with my kids and niece and to visit my cousin in the hospital and spent the whole day away.

 

So yeah- stronger a little

 

 

But now this. Yeah He's said he made the decision to come and work on the marriage. But (as we all knew) he's gonna drag it out the two weeks til she's in an apartment.

 

How do I even respond to that? Yes, I want him to come home and work on the marriage. I would like him to get rid of her now so he can spend time alone to get his head straight before he comes home. But I know he's thinking this is the last two weeks he can spend with her because he knows he has to go no contact forever.

 

I can't even think of what to say or how to handle that now because I'm still kind of angry that he ignored me all day yesterday and I don't want to respond in anger or be snarky and sarcastic like I usually am.

 

Do I ride it out the two weeks? Do I demand he come home now?

 

I don't even know. I'm too angry and upset to even think of what the right thing to do is so I'm just not responding. i think that's the best thing for right now.

Edited August 16, 2016 by aileD
Autocorrect hates me

[heartwhole]

Well, as far as boundaries and self-respect go, I would vote not to give him permission to continue an affair for two more weeks. But we've all been over that, and you're already where you are.

 

Practically speaking, though, assuming you are fine with the affair continuing another two weeks, I still worry that this is not the way to get what you want, which is him home and in NC with her. If he can't live without her now, what's going to change in two weeks? He says he can't leave her living alone in a car, but if he dumped her and she wasn't in an affair, then her parents would let her stay with them until Sept 1, right? So graciously continuing to have an affair with her to offer her protection while she lives in her car doesn't really hold water IMO. He could end it now. Nothing will change by Sept 1 except that living together will be much more pleasant for them. I would rate your chances that he moves in with her much higher than the chances that he suddenly becomes able to commit to NC.

 

Look, I don't play games either. I really don't. But psychologically speaking, when you look at how he reacts when you withdraw, you see that he then starts chasing you (a barrage of emails, texts, and FB messages). And then you immediately say, "Oh, OK honey, I love you, I'm here, I just want you home, the kids miss you," and then he feels secure in having you as his Plan B and retreats to his love mobile with the kid. So, no, don't go play games, but look at your patterns and understand that you'll keep getting more of the same if you keep doing the same things.

 

Frankly, if it were me, I'd say, "If you stay the two weeks, then I have my answer. Please only contact me about the kids." And then don't cave two hours later and send him some YouTube video. Read Chump Lady every time you want to want to do that. Start developing some new habits. (I think Chump Lady lacks nuance, but you need some more outrage in your life.)

 

You're refusing to turn your key, and it's working, but she's refusing to turn her key, and it's working too. She believes that if he stays two weeks, he'll be so hooked and their eternal flame will burn even hotter and then he won't be going anywhere come Sept 1. She's thinking, "Yeah, he SAYS he's going back to his marriage, but he's said that before, and he's right here with me, not with her."

[turnera]

Frankly, if it were me, I'd say, "If you stay the two weeks, then I have my answer. Please only contact me about the kids." And then don't cave two hours later and send him some YouTube video. Read Chump Lady every time you want to want to do that. Start developing some new habits. (I think Chump Lady lacks nuance, but you need some more outrage in your life.)

Quoted for truth. If you take him back after two weeks, he WILL cheat again because you will have taught him that you - for whatever reason - are his own personal doormat to wipe his feet on.

 

The ONLY way I have ever seen, in 15 years of doing these forums, for a woman to get her husband to stop cheating is to put the fear of God into him that she will DUMP HIM if he doesn't immediately cut it out. Every woman who does what you're doing has come back and said we were right, he's cheating again.

 

It's your choice, but I'll say this: you only get one life; why waste it being miserable? And don't forget, this is all teaching your kids how to be as adults.

[S2B]

No - no reason to ride it out any more weeks. Hell - IF he intends to work on the M he needs to get his a$$ home and start working on the marriage!

 

But really, you've trained him to use you while he cheats on you - by the way you've participated - by not imposing any boundary that takes care of YOU.

 

You want an answer? Tell him if he's not home by the end of tomorrow for good (meaning HE starts immediately REPAIRING the damage HE has caused) - then it's over!

 

That action that he either does or doesn't do will GIVE YOU your answer you keep begging him for.

 

No more words after that - he either shows up or he doesn't! His action is up to him!

 

If he doesn't show up then get busy living! File for divorce and be done with it - as it looks like it's been over for a long time anyway.

 

You need an answer now - he's had waaaaay too much time to stall and string you along. He's not been considering your best interest or how you feel! That is NOT loving behavior.

 

You should stop allowing it - his behavior is crap! I hope you start looking out for YOUR best interest!

[Mr. Lucky]

Do I ride it out the two weeks? Do I demand he come home now?

 

I don't even know. I'm too angry and upset to even think of what the right thing to do is so I'm just not responding. i think that's the best thing for right now.

 

If he stays with her two more weeks, how many hours discussing their future is that? How many "I love you's" does he say to her in 14 days?

 

How many times will they sleep together?

 

Think about what you're saying OK to, how far your boundaries, assuming they still exist, have been pushed. You seem to feel that, in order to save a marriage, you have to permit something that's about as far from matrimony as one can get. Even in the crazy world of infidelity, doesn't make sense...

 

Mr. Lucky

[trippi1432]

A different perspective...reading the OP's last post, what would demands get you?

 

This isn't war, it's a marriage. He royally f**** up...he may continue to do that......not your problem. You have priorities, so should he. You need to treat this now as a division. A wife does NOT teach a husband to cheat and some people should understand what boundaries really mean. If a man has no integrity that is on him and him only.

 

Let him go in Love.....I say this as it is your best way to heal YOU. You can't make demands, you can't control someone else, you can only control you. Today, put yourself first....put your kids first....the weight and responsibility of what he is doing is HIS burden. It doesn't have to be pointed out to him, it doesn't have to be demanded. A clear boundary is what you do for YOU and those you love......per your last post OP, you are doing fine.

[S2B]

Untangle yourself from his mess.

 

He's waiting on HER and YOu are waiting in HIM... That doesn't make him the victim - that makes you the victim.

 

And you are capable of breaking free from that role - be courageous - be free from his toxic choices.

 

And he's already chosen - he's with her and not at home. That's a choice.

 

I hope you will see that and end it and start living again.

[ladydesigner]

I'm worried too that once he's back it won't mean the A will end for good.

 

Alie I know how hard it is. If I knew what I know today I would have kicked my WH out after our initial D-day. I stuck around through multiple broken NCs and False R for 2 years. My boundaries were always weak because I wanted my family so bad and I still loved my WH.

 

Now I feel like I am no longer 'in love' with him and it's been like that for the last 2 years

[S2B]

What are we wishing you luck on? Are you going to do something about this mess?

[aileD]

What are we wishing you luck on? Are you going to do something about this mess?

 

I'm just slow. I'm starting to see that I'm fighting so hard for someone who isn't showing me they'd do the same.

 

I'm getting there. I can't be forced, I just have to get there on my own.

 

I did look at Child Support and Alimony calculators tonight. It made me sad but also made me laugh that after child support and alimony (for 13.5 years) and paying our health insurance he'd only have about $600 a month to live on. And I'd get half his pension when he retires.

 

I'm not vindictive but it makes me laugh because she probably thinks she's making out and once we're divorced she'll get all his money. She probably doesn't expect to be the breadwinner. haha

 

I'm just sad tonight. I'm seeing it, I'm taking in what everyone says. I'm just going at a slow pace.

[ShatteredLady]

I've said this about myself & my marriage many, many times....

 

I've dedicated 26 years of my life. That's ALL of my adult life, loving & planning a life with my best friend, my lover, my 'other half'. Why on earth do I need to make monumental, life changing (for so many generations of family) decisions on anyone's timetable but my own?

 

It's going to change FOREVER. I can waste a few months over analyzing & going back & forth on decisions which a moment can reverse.

 

 

I have realized that the longer the torture crap goes on the more the resentment builds. I wish I could rewind to the December that he started acting like a plonker. The New Years Day that I read that mean bollocks that he wrote because he didn't have the guts to TALK to me!! I wish! I wish! I wish! It doesn't work you know?

 

I'm still here though!

 

Don't get me wrong. He is trying in his way....not in MY way! No matter how I ask, demand, beg, gravel etc I don't get what I need to heal. I get 'poor him', I get frustration that I can't just forget about it blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever!

 

Feeling like that is your future if you're not careful. Blah, blah, blah is so bloody tragic after a lifetime of pretty bloody great so very much of the time. It's just all so sad.

[lemondrop21]

Hi alieD, I read through the posts from the past few days and they made me so sad. I am so sorry that someone has put you in this position. It's just so unkind. Perhaps he is not being deliberately cruel, but it's cruel nonetheless. No one deserves to endure this kind of limbo. No one should have to think and analyze this garbage in the way that you're having to do.

 

As a former OW this motivates me to keep the door to my A firmly closed, because I can imagine xMM doing something like this and no one - especially not his wife - deserves this sort of behavior.

 

Take care of yourself and I think you will find that once this all over, regardless of the outcome, you will think "wow, I am stronger than I knew."

[understand50]

I'm just slow. I'm starting to see that I'm fighting so hard for someone who isn't showing me they'd do the same.

 

I'm getting there. I can't be forced, I just have to get there on my own.

 

I did look at Child Support and Alimony calculators tonight. It made me sad but also made me laugh that after child support and alimony (for 13.5 years) and paying our health insurance he'd only have about $600 a month to live on. And I'd get half his pension when he retires.

 

I'm not vindictive but it makes me laugh because she probably thinks she's making out and once we're divorced she'll get all his money. She probably doesn't expect to be the breadwinner. haha

 

I'm just sad tonight. I'm seeing it, I'm taking in what everyone says. I'm just going at a slow pace.

 

aileD,

 

Fighting for your family, does not make you weak. Your husband, is weak, and does not really realize that the longer he takes to get his head back on right the more damage he does to you and his kids. Yes, at some point it will be will retrievable. In the mean time, I understand why you are fighting so hard for you marriage. If at some point he wakes up, and see what he is doing, he will have no doubts about your commitment.

 

Take your time, and do what you think is right for you and your kids. Hang in there. I thinks the big issue here is that, we as a group have a hard time when things are in "flight", LS is way better dealing with the "after". We want you to get to the "after", whatever that may be. For right now, I think you are doing fine, and see that there is a chance you will get what you want. If I was your bother, I would be knocking some sense into your husband. I worry about your son, and hope that he can come out of this not hating the idea of marriage, and having good relationships.

 

As always, I wish you luck.....

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm just going at a slow pace.

 

Actually, you're going at your pace, differs for each of us. Took me 13 months and two false R's to realize my exWS was never really coming back, at least in anyway meaningful to me.

 

Although your H, based on his current conduct, does seem to be expediting your progress through the process ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

Thanks you guys, I appreciate it.

 

He's still not being clear just that he's working on himself. I notice on the phone bill they're not together as much....well I assume if they're calling each other at 9, 10, 11 at night that they're not together at those times.

 

He mentioned that his boss offered him to stay at her house but only under the condition that he's there to be alone and not be with AP or with me.

 

It seemed like he was considering that. Broke down and sent him an email last night voicing my frustration that I gave so many years of my life to him, gave up so much of myself to raise the kids and now that they're older and k can finally breathe and focus on me and us---he leaves. Hands over all I've strived for to someone else who didn't earn it.

 

And how that made me feel. Probably the wrong thing to do. But I was so angry and upset last night that I did. Seems like the blame is alswsy put on me because I put the kids first instead of him so we lost our connection. So I went off about how hard it is to be a SAHM and how I did everything for everyone. He would come home from work, the kids would flocks to him like he's a superhero, we'd eat the dinner I would cook then he'd go do his hobbies ( exercise, video games, reading) meanwhile I'm bathing the kids and all that.

 

I'm like you blamed it all on me but you never saw all that was piled on me. All I stood through. An you just go and give everything I worked for to someone else. You start to heal from your trauma and she gets the good you? What about all the hard times I stood by you during because of your past? I'm just thrown out like trash

 

I just went off, but I'm sure I just sounded whiny and desperate.

 

We are filing bankruptcy so we talked about that this morning, and when I tried to talk about US he got annoyed. Said he was working on things, working on himself, focusing on himself and figuring things out and why can't I see the work he's putting in that he feels like he's getting closer. I was like why can't you just come home and work on it.

 

Then he asked me if I was going to gather the BKR documents or should we just forget about it. I took offense to that because he couldn't just ask me nicely when he knows I'm hurting he's got to put an assumption in there that I'm not going to do it. So I said of course I was going do it (I handle the bills anyway) and he's like ok well sometimes stuff doesn't get done. So I snapped, you know what would be awesome? If you came home and we did it together!

 

And he hung up on me. Tried to say again now every interaction with me turns negative every time. Every time he's "close" something like this happens. I just said he is so blind he can't even see what he does.

 

Now I'm lying in bed eating zebra cakes. Why do I even try

[turnera]

I have no problem with you sending him an angry email. The more he gets the more likely he is to wake up. He needs to see you angry. Respecting yourself. Because he can't respect you if you don't.

 

And I will reiterate: he's 'figuring things out' because you're letting him.

 

Have you seen a lawyer yet, just to know your options?