Wish me luck [updated from 'not sure what's going on']

[Red123]

By reading your thread and reading the OW's thread it's pretty obvious that what your husband tells you and what he tells the OW are two very different things. The one thing you and the OW have in common is that you both believe him when neither of you should. He's telling you that he is going to dump her as soon as she moves into her apartment but I bet he's telling her something very different. He will keep this up as long as you both allow it.

 

Is his OW posting here too?

[aileD]

Apparently she posted once in the OW forum before me. It doesn't appear she's been back since. People here brought it to my attention when they saw similarities in our story.

 

Well apparently I can't do anything right.

 

I didn't talk to him today. Maybe you guys will be happy for that

[turnera]

I'm sorry for being so critical. It's just that we see it over and over again. One of the two wants the marriage so much that they find themselves putting up with SO much more than they should. I just want to make sure you're making decisions for the right reasons, so you don't give up what YOU need just to stay married. It happens more than you'd think.

[ShatteredLady]

AileD. Please try not to beat yourself up. You're in an impossibly hard situation that you're not responsible for in any way whatsoever. You are the victim! I wish I could kick your husband in the bum!!!

 

I know that a lot of responses come-off as extremely tough love. It's not that people feel that "You can't do anything right". I'm my opinion you are doing amazingly well just maintaining your sanity right now!! Your husband is feeling sorry for himself, being self indulgent. He doesn't deserve a strong, compassionate wife like you.

 

I know what it's like being a mother, trying to do the right thing, trying to keep everything together for your FAMILY. Just keeping your head above water is daunting! I'm so very sorry. No-one should have to tolerate the weak, pathetic, heartless abuse that you're being subjected too.

 

((((Hugs for you & your poor children))))

 

I wish your husband could direct some of his time & care for your DAUGHTER over this selfish girl who's complicit in wrecking your family. His actions are unforgivable!! Stay strong!! You & your kids deserve so much more than this.

[wmacbride]

I don't even blame the girlfriend, she is 20 for Christ's sake. This is all on him and the best thing OP could do is run. He doesn't love her.

 

Sorry, but I don't agree.

 

A 20 year old is considered responsible enough to vote,get married, take up a dangerous job such as the military, the police or fire service, raise a child, sign a contract or other legal document, take out a loan, get a credit card, make major health care decisions, sue another individual, drink alcohol, drive a car, make career decisions, etc., etc., etc.

 

To somehow say that they are mature and intelligent enough to do all of the above but don't have the maturity or intellectual capacity to know better than to get involved with a married person is nonsense.

[Mr. Lucky]

Well apparently I can't do anything right.

 

I wish "2017 aileD" was available to post, bet she could give you some pretty cogent advice about the need for boundaries. I know "future me" could have saved me an awful lot of pain and heartache ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lobe]

ne said he feels good knowing that the landlord is JW, motherly and will be a good support for her...he said he feels like he's leaving her in a good position (as opposed to in her car).

 

This is REALLY BAD. Do you understand that his AP will likely be evicted once the landlord finds out she has been disfellowshipped?

[Lobe]

Which means she will be homeless and your husband will need to rescue her again. Just sayin' this is feeling a little too much like a set up.

 

As in, aileD loses.

[aileD]

I do hold her accountable too. I know she didn't make a commitment to me like he did, but she knew he was married and she knew my children were hurting, she knew I was hurting. She knew he wasn't actually leaving me so why did she continue? Because she's selfish. Just like he is.

 

He called me this morning. He discussed leaving her, and that they had been talking and he has been telling her he cannot be in a relationship with her, that he realizes we didn't do enough to work on our marriage and I had been there for him and they everything in his past, that we have tools now, resources and we see it can be done, etc etc.

 

He said that he was going to leave her yesterday. But that they continued to talk. Him giving her advice on future relationships (ok thanks DAD). She kept on asking if it had to be complete no contact and why did they have to be completely out of each others lives. He told her that if he was coming back to me to work on our marriage it would be to work on our marriage and to actually save our marriage and that staying in contact with her would not be respectful of me and our goal for fixing the marriage.

 

She apparently said something like if we don't work out then he should call her. I said I don't want him to come home with a backup plan for when things get hard in recovery. He said he told her that his intent was to fix our marriage and the only way he'd contact her is if we didn't make it, honestly, and we were actually divorced and did it right and he had lived on his own for awhile and even then if she was married or in a steady relationship then he wouldn't pursue her, she asked why and he said he's learned marriage is a serious commitment and you don't just throw it away because someone else comes along.

 

Apprently she feels "not good enough" and if she was "better" that he'd choose her. He told her that she could be the most beautiful perfect person on the world and it still wouldn't change the fact that he's married and hasn't put in a good enough effort to be a good husband and help restore our marriage and family.

 

I said a few things too. I said that I don't want him coming home so he can just say "ok we tried EVERYTHING now and it didn't work. I said I only want him to come home if it was with the intent that we WILL heal and have a great marriage, not that we MIGHT. He said he feels like we have the tools now that we didn't in the past and we have to work at it every day, but the intent is that we do heal and improve our marriage...or really build one from scratch again.

 

I also said I obviously didn't want her in our life at all, which I already mentioned above. I also told him that he can't just come home and pretend like he was never gone. He's been gone a month and a half and he has to have a conversation with the kids and make a commitment to to them too and explain what's going on and understand they are pissed. He was willing to do that.

 

I asked him if she was in her apartment yet and he said no. That he feels guilty for that but feels like he has to make a clean break. I also asked if she had any friends or a support system that can help her get through this breakup because in the past she's only ever reached out to HIm for comfort....which just starts things up again. He said no, she doesn't but he's been en outshine her to go back to church and to get back in that community and to reconnect with her mother.

 

I honestly think he has good intentions but I really don't think he's going to be able to leave her until she's in her apartment. I just feel it. And already she asked him today if she could just talk to him one more time after work. He said he would do that. Im not getting my hopes up. As said before she is persistent and he is weak.

 

But I do see how he's progressing, so I hope that he's meaning what he says and even though he's been a jerk sometimes he's always been honest with me about his feelings (sometimes too honest when it comes to her)...but I don't think he's lying about his intentions. He seems more clear about his willingness to work on our marriage. I had sent him an email awhile ago yelling at him saying I was pissed I did all this stuff for him and the family and finally when we're getting to the point of being able to work on us and reconnect and go on vacations and THATS when he decides to walk out. That I felt used to bear his kids and support him and I gave up so much of me in motherhood and wth a career and finally when I can breathe and enjoy my adulthood things--he dumps me for a younger model of me.

 

He said that resonated with him and I was right. He said I may have neglected him and his emotional needs but I didn't do it out of hatred or anger or anything. I was working hard and helping our family and he sees that now, that I didn't neglect him because I didn't love him and I don't deserve to be given up on just because he fell in love with someone else's attention.

 

Some will see I guess. Like I said...I'm not getting my hopes up because I really don't think he'll have the balls to leave until she's safe in an apartment. plus he said he was going to leave yesterday at 11, and today he agreed to talk "one last time".

 

So. I'm not blind. Just hopeful.

[aileD]

This is REALLY BAD. Do you understand that his AP will likely be evicted once the landlord finds out she has been disfellowshipped?

 

I said that too but he said not all of the churches are like that and this woman's church was more "modern".

 

Also, he said she brought AP around town showing her where things were and all that which makes be believe she is moving to an areas not close to the one she's in and familiar with now. That would be good.

[aileD]

I wish "2017 aileD" was available to post, bet she could give you some pretty cogent advice about the need for boundaries. I know "future me" could have saved me an awful lot of pain and heartache ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Me too.

[Lobe]

I said that too but he said not all of the churches are like that and this woman's church was more "modern".

 

Also, he said she brought AP around town showing her where things were and all that which makes be believe she is moving to an areas not close to the one she's in and familiar with now. That would be good.

 

I hope you're right, but I'm dubious. IME there is no such thing as "modern" JW church and this is just a disaster waiting to happen.

 

I sincerely hope you are able to hold to your bottom line - I suspect you'll be asking for separation agreement templates sooner than you think.

 

I remember feeling "maternal" towards the AP - my WH had me completely convinced she needed rescuing and that his motives in befriending her in the first place were wholesome. Once the fog clears, you will see this woman as little more than a sex toy for your husband. The fact she was a willing accomplice does not change the fact that your husband was and still is a liar - she was not in need of saving until after HE dragged her down. Try and remember that in all your magnanimity. No one ever won a prize for being a martyr.

Save

Edited August 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[wmacbride]

I do hold her accountable too. I know she didn't make a commitment to me like he did, but she knew he was married and she knew my children were hurting, she knew I was hurting. She knew he wasn't actually leaving me so why did she continue? Because she's selfish. Just like he is.

 

He called me this morning. He discussed leaving her, and that they had been talking and he has been telling her he cannot be in a relationship with her, that he realizes we didn't do enough to work on our marriage and I had been there for him and they everything in his past, that we have tools now, resources and we see it can be done, etc etc.

 

He said that he was going to leave her yesterday. But that they continued to talk. Him giving her advice on future relationships (ok thanks DAD). She kept on asking if it had to be complete no contact and why did they have to be completely out of each others lives. He told her that if he was coming back to me to work on our marriage it would be to work on our marriage and to actually save our marriage and that staying in contact with her would not be respectful of me and our goal for fixing the marriage.

 

She apparently said something like if we don't work out then he should call her. I said I don't want him to come home with a backup plan for when things get hard in recovery. He said he told her that his intent was to fix our marriage and the only way he'd contact her is if we didn't make it, honestly, and we were actually divorced and did it right and he had lived on his own for awhile and even then if she was married or in a steady relationship then he wouldn't pursue her, she asked why and he said he's learned marriage is a serious commitment and you don't just throw it away because someone else comes along.

 

Apprently she feels "not good enough" and if she was "better" that he'd choose her. He told her that she could be the most beautiful perfect person on the world and it still wouldn't change the fact that he's married and hasn't put in a good enough effort to be a good husband and help restore our marriage and family.

 

I said a few things too. I said that I don't want him coming home so he can just say "ok we tried EVERYTHING now and it didn't work. I said I only want him to come home if it was with the intent that we WILL heal and have a great marriage, not that we MIGHT. He said he feels like we have the tools now that we didn't in the past and we have to work at it every day, but the intent is that we do heal and improve our marriage...or really build one from scratch again.

 

I also said I obviously didn't want her in our life at all, which I already mentioned above. I also told him that he can't just come home and pretend like he was never gone. He's been gone a month and a half and he has to have a conversation with the kids and make a commitment to to them too and explain what's going on and understand they are pissed. He was willing to do that.

 

I asked him if she was in her apartment yet and he said no. That he feels guilty for that but feels like he has to make a clean break. I also asked if she had any friends or a support system that can help her get through this breakup because in the past she's only ever reached out to HIm for comfort....which just starts things up again. He said no, she doesn't but he's been en outshine her to go back to church and to get back in that community and to reconnect with her mother.

 

I honestly think he has good intentions but I really don't think he's going to be able to leave her until she's in her apartment. I just feel it. And already she asked him today if she could just talk to him one more time after work. He said he would do that. Im not getting my hopes up. As said before she is persistent and he is weak.

 

But I do see how he's progressing, so I hope that he's meaning what he says and even though he's been a jerk sometimes he's always been honest with me about his feelings (sometimes too honest when it comes to her)...but I don't think he's lying about his intentions. He seems more clear about his willingness to work on our marriage. I had sent him an email awhile ago yelling at him saying I was pissed I did all this stuff for him and the family and finally when we're getting to the point of being able to work on us and reconnect and go on vacations and THATS when he decides to walk out. That I felt used to bear his kids and support him and I gave up so much of me in motherhood and wth a career and finally when I can breathe and enjoy my adulthood things--he dumps me for a younger model of me.

 

He said that resonated with him and I was right. He said I may have neglected him and his emotional needs but I didn't do it out of hatred or anger or anything. I was working hard and helping our family and he sees that now, that I didn't neglect him because I didn't love him and I don't deserve to be given up on just because he fell in love with someone else's attention.

 

Some will see I guess. Like I said...I'm not getting my hopes up because I really don't think he'll have the balls to leave until she's safe in an apartment. plus he said he was going to leave yesterday at 11, and today he agreed to talk "one last time".

 

So. I'm not blind. Just hopeful.

 

I don't want to be a "debbie downer", but can I make two suggestions before you allow him to come back to your home

 

- first, get yourself tested for STD"s

 

-second, between that she may become desperate to keep him in her life if she feels she's losing him. this can translate form anything to attempting to get pregnant to a cry for attention

 

If you sense that will happen please DO NOT get yourself embroiled in that. Speaking from personal experience with a ws who's former ow took the cry for attention route, it will drag you down. Keep in mind that she got herself into his situation and it is not your fault. Don't accept calls from her "just to talk" or "because you need to know my side". Block her form your social media and mail, and if she persists, seek legal counsel for more ideas.

 

I hope she doesn't go down that route, but if she does, you need to protect yourself mentally. Her behavior and mental state is not your fault. You do not have to be her support system or a sponge for her bad feelings.

Edited August 22, 2016 by wmacbride

[Lobe]

You do not have to be her support system or a sponge for her bad feelings.

 

Yup. That maternal feeling you have for her is misplaced energy.

[OneLov]

OP,

 

In reading what you wrote, he never expressed "wanting" to do these things. It read like a kid telling his buddies he can't go out and play on Saturday because he had to help his parents with yard work. In your own words, he seems to be doing everything because it's the "right" thing. This should alarm you.

 

His actions do not give closure to the situation for anyone. So you should question what he's really learned. Start by realizing he should be saying, "look, I'm out of here because I want to be now."

 

He's not her dad and it's so creepy that he's treating her like he's her guardian. She's an adult woman; she'll be cool. Safe motels are inexpensive.

Edited August 22, 2016 by OneLov

[aileD]

I don't want to be a "debbie downer", but can I make two suggestions before you allow him to come back to your home

 

- first, get yourself tested for STD"s

 

-second, between that she may become desperate to keep him in her life if she feels she's losing him. this can translate form anything to attempting to get pregnant to a cry for attention

 

If you sense that will happen please DO NOT get yourself embroiled in that. Speaking from personal experience with a ws who's former ow took the cry for attention route, it will drag you down. Keep in mind that she got herself into his situation and it is not your fault. Don't accept calls from her "just to talk" or "because you need to know my side". Block her form your social media and mail, and if she persists, seek legal counsel for more ideas.

 

I hope she doesn't go down that route, but if she does, you need to protect yourself mentally. Her behavior and mental state is not your fault. You do not have to be her support system or a sponge for her bad feelings.

 

She has an IUD. Thank god. Yes there will be testing, I can't imagine there will be intimacy any time soon. She really has never tried to contact me (except for once when she was going to kill herself and wanted to tel me "how to love him":sick:).

 

She's already blocked from everything. I'm not worried about her contacting me, more worried about contacting him. It's so hard to prevent that.

[aileD]

OP,

 

In reading what you wrote, he never expressed "wanting" to do these things. It read like a kid telling his buddies he can't go out and play on Saturday because he had to help his parents with yard work. In your own words, he seems to be doing everything because it's the "right" thing. This should alarm you.

 

His actions do not give closure to the situation for anyone. So you should question what he's really learned. Start by realizing he should be saying, "look, I'm out of here because I want to be now."

 

He's not her dad and it's so creepy that he's treating her like he's her guardian. She's an adult woman; she'll be cool. Safe motels are inexpensive.

 

No, he wouldn't be coming back if he didn't want to. Sorry if I made it sound that way I can't say verbatim everything that was said and I typed out the whole thing then lost it and had to type it out again. This is his choice, he's made that clear and we talked about that a lot. Yes, to be honest....we don't have hat "loving feeling" but we are aware of that and making a conciliatory decision to stay together because we are married and to try to get that back.

 

 

That's reality. It's not the love story fantasy that she live in with him. It's messy and it's not pretty and it can hurt but it's real.

 

I do not feel motherly toward her. I don't want her to die but I wouldn't be crying if she did (his last mistress has passed). She's a big girl she will figure it out. I just feel like she's young and stupid and she doesn't get it.

 

I hope she falls in love with someone her age and realIzes how this wasn't real love and has tons of babies and moves to PR.

[Lobe]

... and moves to PR.

 

:laugh:

[Timshel]

aileD, I don't post in infidelity or Other person threads because..I do not have a disposition for it.

I have read your entire thread(s) and your posts around LS.

 

Your marriage is over aileD and it has been for quite a while. I keep hoping that I will read a post that you have accepted this truth.

 

You will keep as much turmoil in your life that you allow. You are also keeping this Jerry Springer chaos for your children.

 

If easy is what you are waiting for, then prepare to die waiting.

I hope that you find the strength to do the right thing...that you do not enjoy any attention for your predicament and get on with your life.

[aileD]

Yes I know. I love the attention. It's the reason why I'm doing all this.

[Timshel]

Yes I know. I love the attention. It's the reason why I'm doing all this.

 

Haha....now you are gas lighting me! You are beautiful...time for the tough stuff and no more poor me aileD.

[Mr. Lucky]

She has an IUD. Thank god.

 

That you know the type of birth control his AP uses is just ... sad, for lack of a better word. Hope he understands some day what this has cost you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

That you know the type of birth control his AP uses is just ... sad, for lack of a better word. Hope he understands some day what this has cost you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I only know from hacking stuff. I wanted to be a detective when I was growing up. I'm very good at finding things out.

 

I don't think I ever came here asking for pity....well I did say I was sad a couple times but I was just saying how I feel not looking for anyone to coddle me.

 

I know many of you don't agree with how I'm handling things. And maybe someday, I'll be back here and you'll all have your "I told you so" moment.

 

But I also think this site is very jaded. One whiff of anything and everyone is so quick to tell the person the run away and leave their marriage. I know it's because you've all been through it Already and are drawing from your own situations. And that's ok. But I do believe in marriage and getting through the hard times and fixing things if they can be fixed.

 

If he's willing to try and I'm willing to try I don't think there is reason yet to get divorced. What if we can turn it around? Why would I give up my family and my life and my future and my husband if there's a chance we can recover from this and both come out better people, a better couple and better parents?

[Timshel]

I only know from hacking stuff. I wanted to be a detective when I was growing up. I'm very good at finding things out.

 

I don't think I ever came here asking for pity....well I did say I was sad a couple times but I was just saying how I feel not looking for anyone to coddle me.

 

I know many of you don't agree with how I'm handling things. And maybe someday, I'll be back here and you'll all have your "I told you so" moment.

 

But I also think this site is very jaded. One whiff of anything and everyone is so quick to tell the person the run away and leave their marriage. I know it's because you've all been through it Already and are drawing from your own situations. And that's ok. But I do believe in marriage and getting through the hard times and fixing things if they can be fixed.

 

If he's willing to try and I'm willing to try I don't think there is reason yet to get divorced. What if we can turn it around? Why would I give up my family and my life and my future and my husband if there's a chance we can recover from this and both come out better people, a better couple and better parents?

 

You are addressing Mr. Lucky and not me....however, I must say that you are wrong that advice is jaded or that any poster wants a 'told you so' moment. Not true.

 

I understand effort to keep a marriage together.

 

You are hurting now and any person who tells you the truth is 'against' you, in your perception.

 

The truth is that your marriage is over and has been for a long time. There will never be a told you so, aileD.

 

Best wishes

[MuddyFootprints]

My husband has a winner mentality, too.

 

I got pretty good at serving up **** sandwiches.

 

Until he shut the kitchen down.