Wish me luck [updated from 'not sure what's going on']

[aileD]

Sorry. TMI rant. I've deleted.

 

 

Darn wish I read it lol

[wmacbride]

Thank you, I really appreciate this. I am familiar with this article.

 

He has written many of the wrong type of emails. He has been there and done that. Emails don't work with her, she just hounds him to see him to discuss the email. One time he wrote a good email--using the template in that article---and he recorded himself reading it and sent it to her (like a voice memo) so she couldn't claim it was me or whatever. After that one she called ME 400x begging to just talk to him one more time. She showed up at my house. With my kids (they didn't see her, they have no idea).

 

I realize that it doesn't matter what method he takes, it all depends on him just not responding to her, not agreeing to meet when she threatens to come into his work or our house. I KNOW it is all him...his weakness. She knows that if she can just get him to see her then he likely won't be able to leave her and that's what happens.

 

He is worried about tonight because she wouldn't leave him alone all day and showed up at his work during lunch. Took the day off to sit in the parking lot of his work.

 

He needs to be firm. I know. He knows. We talked today about that. That all this doesn't matter if he's just going to answer her calls. He says she calls his work ph# from random #s you can get in an app so you can't tell it's her on caller id. I said you have to be strong enough to hang Up on her, after you say goodbye and make it clear.

 

I just told him we can keep doing this over and over til we get divorced which will be sooner than later or if he really means what he says about wanting to work on things, then the first step is putting the feelings of the person you're trying to reconcile with and have a life and good relationship with over the feelings of person you are dumping. And if he can't do that then we can't even reconcile.

 

If she is refusing to leave him alone, and if she is showing up at your house, that is troubling.

 

If she shows up at your house uninvited and unwanted, if she's calling him at work and hiding her number, if she takes time off wok to go and sit in the parking lot outside his workplace, her behavior is becoming obsessive, and that's not a good sign. Firmness is what's called for, not mollycoddling her, not niceties and not politeness. A firm "goodbye" and him telling her he wants to hear no more from her. No last goodbyes, not final meetings, no tearful hugs or forlorn looks. That just feeds the fire of her obsession and justification of her actions, at least in her mind.

 

If he chooses your marriage, then that means he respects your wishes and puts your first. Though it may sound cruel, if that means hurting her, then so be it.

[Mr. Lucky]

If she is refusing to leave him alone, and if she is showing up at your house, that is troubling.

 

If she shows up at your house uninvited and unwanted, if she's calling him at work and hiding her number, if she takes time off wok to go and sit in the parking lot outside his workplace, her behavior is becoming obsessive, and that's not a good sign. Firmness is what's called for, not mollycoddling her, not niceties and not politeness. A firm "goodbye" and him telling her he wants to hear no more from her. No last goodbyes, not final meetings, no tearful hugs or forlorn looks. That just feeds the fire of her obsession and justification of her actions, at least in her mind.

 

If he chooses your marriage, then that means he respects your wishes and puts your first. Though it may sound cruel, if that means hurting her, then so be it.

 

Don't think any of this is that hard. If he refuses to engage with her in any way, she'll go away. As has been the case since day one, ball is in her court...

 

Mr. Lucky

[wmacbride]

Don't think any of this is that hard. If he refuses to engage with her in any way, she'll go away. As has been the case since day one, ball is in her court...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I hope you're right, and most times, yu would be. However, it doesn't always work out that way.

 

My spouse was 7,000 km away in a FOB in Afghanistan, with no email, phone or other form of contact for months at a time. He was not in contact with his ex-ow.

 

When she couldn't engage with him, she began her harassment of me and my children.

 

From what I can tell, most ow/om can accept the end of an a, painful as it may be for them. that being said, some can't. If the behavior of the op's ws's ow is any indication, she will not "go quietly into that good night".

[aileD]

Well it's over with the OW

 

Didn't go as planned but it went. They both agreed to no contact.

 

She might not take the apartment--why? Because she wants to move to PR to start fresh! And even if she does take the apartment, it is in a town 20 mins away.

 

And her mother accepted a position at another company--so she won't have any reason to be in the area of his work for living, work or family.

 

WS feels sadness, but relief and feels like it was ended the right way this time.

 

He said he's looking forward to recovery and seeing where this brings us now that we have all the tools and willingness and resources to help us succeed. I am honestly surprised this happened before the 9/1 date, but it also makes me feel like he's more serious about it since he was willing to leave her alone at this time.

 

Let's hope she can keep no contact.

[heartwhole]

Now the real work begins.

 

Your reconciliation doesn't (or at least shouldn't) depend on what the OW does. From this moment forward she's only triangulated into your relationship if you let her be.

[BluesPower]

Good deal...

 

 

Let's hope they can both keep no contact and he is serious about fixing this.

 

 

Good luck to you.

[Lobe]

aileD, I have my fingers crossed for you.

[cocorico]

Ailed, have you verified everything he told you? It all sounds terribly convenient, that suddenly she's agreed to NC, plans to move somewhere else, her mother has taken a job somewhere else... All in a single conversation. This could be a false trail, while they take things underground.

 

But even if this latest OW is off the scene, it may be only a matter of time before he hunts for his next 20 year old. He has form. And it's not as though much has changed: you say you now "have the tools" to deal with issues, but you also said that you've been in counselling previously:

 

 

We have been in IC and discernment then MC this whole time up until July when insurance was lost. He has been working with archdiocese to get them to pay for counseling for me and the kids and MC (they pay for his as part of settlement).

 

 

If it didn't work before, why will it suddenly work now? Nothing has changed for him - he's suffered no consequences; OTC has learned that a sob story will buy him all the time and sympathy he needs to carry on doing just what he wants, from both you and (X?)OW.

 

Please don't relax your guard too soon. I have a feeling you will be back here wondering what to do about the next OW he feels the need to rescue from her 20-year-old troubles.

[ladydesigner]

Ailed, have you verified everything he told you? It all sounds terribly convenient, that suddenly she's agreed to NC, plans to move somewhere else, her mother has taken a job somewhere else... All in a single conversation. This could be a false trail, while they take things underground.

 

But even if this latest OW is off the scene, it may be only a matter of time before he hunts for his next 20 year old. He has form. And it's not as though much has changed: you say you now "have the tools" to deal with issues, but you also said that you've been in counselling previously:

 

 

 

If it didn't work before, why will it suddenly work now? Nothing has changed for him - he's suffered no consequences; OTC has learned that a sob story will buy him all the time and sympathy he needs to carry on doing just what he wants, from both you and (X?)OW.

 

Please don't relax your guard too soon. I have a feeling you will be back here wondering what to do about the next OW he feels the need to rescue from her 20-year-old troubles.

 

Yep This^^^^^^

 

Is why I take care of ME first. When the other shoe drops.. so do I

[aileD]

Thanks for your concern. I am hopeful but believe me my guard is not down.

 

We had been doing IC and MC but not for a long time. Every other week, and MC was a six week discernment thing then like four sessions of real MC. It helps yes, but we aren't going to solve 20 years of personal and couple stuff in that short of time. Plus I don't count any of the MC because you can't really get anything out of MC if you're still in the affair. But the time helped us stay together and learn about each other at the time

 

Honestly we have found more resource in the affair recovery websites and other sites like that than any counselor yet.

 

It also just hasn't been one conversation. He's been talking to her for awhile about this. She's known for a good long time how he feels. This past weekend and this week it's like she's finally accepting, seeing that he's not going to move in with her, and hes really coming home and there is not much more to ten about because no matter how they feel about things...it doesn't change the outcome.

 

It's only day 1 of NC. We're only five hours in. Met WS at work and had a nice hour lunch. He's out at 6 and will call on the way. He was weepy this AM but said he kept telling himself it would be ok and focused on work. Asked how he's doing at lunch and said he feels good. Like a relief from the guilt and shame and stress. Like ready to get back to real life.

 

We still have a lot to work out. Like how It will be handled if there's contact and how he's going to open his phone to me and all that other stuff.

 

I haven't used the gps in his truck in awhile but it's an option.

 

Yes there is always the possibility he will find another 20 year old someday, but if he learns about himself and why he needs that attention and we work on the problems in our marriage then that helps the odds. Also he's said many times he hates this that he would rather die then ever get caught up in an emotional affair again....because this one was hell because of the feelings.

 

So. I guess we will see how it goes. I might start posting in the second chances place now.

Edited August 24, 2016 by aileD

[waterwoman]

Thanks for your concern. I am hopeful but believe me my guard is not down. ....

 

 

...Yes there is always the possibility he will find another 20 year old someday, but if he learns about himself and why he needs that attention and we work on the problems in our marriage then that helps the odds. ...

 

...So. I guess we will see how it goes. I might start posting in the second chances place now.

 

And unless you are prepared to end your marriage, and i sense you are not right now, all YOU can do in regards to his fidelity is watch and wait. It's his job to mend that bit.

 

I posted a week or so ago about how H was playing his KISA role with another damsel in distress. I laughed at him and basically told him he was being a gullible idiot and he needed to get a grip. He got a teeny bit defensive and than had the good sense to laugh at himself. I didn't get upset. After Dday (4 years ago now) H had his work to do, and then as a couple we had to do some recovering and regrouping but far and away the most important thing was for me to work on myself and turn my focus towards MYSELF, what i want and need and to understand that I must come first in my world to some extent (for the first time in my entire marriage). That has been done, I am stronger, more self-centred (literally) and if he should be enough of a fool to do it again HE will be the one losing out - because he will lose ME. That is his choice and his decision and he knows where he stands. Nothing else I can do to influence him.

 

I think a certain other relationship site uses the mantra 'let go of the outcome'. Just do your stuff, let him do his.

[ladydesigner]

And unless you are prepared to end your marriage, and i sense you are not right now, all YOU can do in regards to his fidelity is watch and wait. It's his job to mend that bit.

 

I posted a week or so ago about how H was playing his KISA role with another damsel in distress. I laughed at him and basically told him he was being a gullible idiot and he needed to get a grip. He got a teeny bit defensive and than had the good sense to laugh at himself. I didn't get upset. After Dday (4 years ago now) H had his work to do, and then as a couple we had to do some recovering and regrouping but far and away the most important thing was for me to work on myself and turn my focus towards MYSELF, what i want and need and to understand that I must come first in my world to some extent (for the first time in my entire marriage). That has been done, I am stronger, more self-centred (literally) and if he should be enough of a fool to do it again HE will be the one losing out - because he will lose ME. That is his choice and his decision and he knows where he stands. Nothing else I can do to influence him.

 

I think a certain other relationship site uses the mantra 'let go of the outcome'. Just do your stuff, let him do his.

 

Great post! Exactly what I was trying to say in mine, but yours came out so much better yes it definitly had to become more ME focused!

[aileD]

Thank you. Yes that's one of the reasons we are both doing IC too. Trying to cover all the bases everywhere

[Mr. Lucky]

Glad you got some well-deserved good news but, assuming "he" is part of "we", this is a dangerous and over-the-top assumption:

 

He said he's looking forward to recovery and seeing where this brings us now that we have all the tools and willingness and resources to help us succeed.

 

He's 24 hours away from living with her in his car, a little early for knighthood...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

Glad you got some well-deserved good news but, assuming "he" is part of "we", this is a dangerous and over-the-top assumption:

 

 

 

He's 24 hours away from living with her in his car, a little early for knighthood...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I hear you but it all starts with willingness and effort right?

 

Yesterday was weird. He came home after work, we made a family dinner and it was nice. We did work around the house and it was just kind of normal but with an air of weirdness, like we need to learn to be around each other again.

 

We talked later at night, agreed to take it slow. He thanked me for sticking by him and we talked about something I read about "pretend normal"...which is where you are in recovery from an affair, and get caught up in daily life again and recovery kind of takes the back burner and pretty soon you're back in the same spot you were in before. We agreed we need to keep talking and keeping our marriage recovery in the forefront.

 

She hasn't contacted him. He's going to be riding his bike to work to save on gas, and he told me that he would be on Map My Run so that I could track him. I went on there, and she's on his friends list. I asked him to remove her and he did. I told him I'm going to be uncomfortable for awhile as the trust is gone and he said to let him know what he can do to make me feel more comfortable.

 

He also told me, he wanted me to know he is going to give 100% to us and for us to keep working on our issues.

 

Time will tell obviously it's only been one day. I've learned not to get my hopes up so I've just decided to take it day by day. It gives me hope that this seems different than the other times he's returned after flip flopping.

 

Prior, it would always seem like he was forced to be here or stuck or resentful and it would come out in his words and actions. He's different,and like people have said in the past and what I've read online, your spouse has to WANT to work on things...you can't do it alone. It seems like we're a team finally.

 

Again, only one day but I believe in having hope and thinking positively.

[aileD]

so rereading my post above, I'm like "I'm not getting my hopes up", then I'm like "I believe in hope!"

 

let me explain. I do believe in hope. I do believe in "the secret" as you will and thinking positively about an outcome.

 

But I also know the history so although I do have hope and feel strongly about it, it does have a little rope around it ready to pull back if needed.

 

not sure if that makes sense. I'm cautious. I guess that's what I mean. Hopeful but cautious.

[wmacbride]

so rereading my post above, I'm like "I'm not getting my hopes up", then I'm like "I believe in hope!"

 

let me explain. I do believe in hope. I do believe in "the secret" as you will and thinking positively about an outcome.

 

But I also know the history so although I do have hope and feel strongly about it, it does have a little rope around it ready to pull back if needed.

 

not sure if that makes sense. I'm cautious. I guess that's what I mean. Hopeful but cautious.

 

That's a good way to be.

One of the counselors we saw told us that recovery is like a wide river that's going really fast. it has stepping stones across it, and even though it might be tempting to just jump in and swim across quickly, there's every chance you'll get swept away. The stones may be slower, but they have a greater chance of leading to success.

[understand50]

so rereading my post above, I'm like "I'm not getting my hopes up", then I'm like "I believe in hope!"

 

let me explain. I do believe in hope. I do believe in "the secret" as you will and thinking positively about an outcome.

 

But I also know the history so although I do have hope and feel strongly about it, it does have a little rope around it ready to pull back if needed.

 

not sure if that makes sense. I'm cautious. I guess that's what I mean. Hopeful but cautious.

 

AileD,

 

Signs of Hope. hold on to it. If you are committed to try and give all the chance in the world, maybe this is the first step back for him. In any case, I would have some type of plan both for divorce, or a reconciliation, and in you case, some hard type of work he will have to do to try and repair the marriage, and the relationship with his kids.

 

Weak men, and women, do not know the absolute damage and pain they cause as they "work" on themselves. If he comes back, he is going to have acknowledge all the pain and hurt he has caused. Remember, you and your kids are the injured parties here. You may find that this is the hardest thing he will have to do.

 

I wish you luck.

[turnera]

I haven't used the gps in his truck in awhile but it's an option.

Why not just start? Today?

 

And you hope SHE stays NC? Not him?

 

Just trying to toughen you up a little bit. Right now, he NEEDS a policeman for a wife.

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by ailed

So rereading my post above, I'm like "I'm not getting my hopes up", then I'm like "I believe in hope!"

 

Let me explain. I do believe in hope. I do believe in "the secret" as you will and thinking positively about an outcome.

 

But I also know the history so although I do have hope and feel strongly about it, it does have a little rope around it ready to pull back if needed.

 

not sure if that makes sense. I'm cautious. I guess that's what I mean. Hopeful but cautious.

 

 

Your hope should be totally in yourself. Having your hope in your husband with his history is a HUGE risk. GET A JOB and concentrate on building yourself up; in other words focus completely on you and your children; leave your husband out of your rebuilding plan. Put your effort into that rather than your hope in someone that does not have your best interest at heart. I know that your emotions are all consuming but you can refocus your time and effort in another area. You are going to suffer with your bleeding emotions regardless so why not start doing something that you can be in such a better shape to make your life better?

 

You have all your eggs in one basket and that basket is very weak and has broken are least twice. If you insist on having hope in someone else rather than yourself then be prepared to be dependent on him for your financial survival and your emotional health.

 

You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by totally concentrating on yourself. Stop draining your emotions and strength on a very weak man and put your hope in yourself.

 

Bottom line;

If your husband does what you hope he does ( that will take years) then you will be in a much better shape to help rebuild the marriage if you get stronger now!

 

Do you agree that hope in yourself has a LOT better chance of you having a much better life?

[aileD]

Why not just start? Today?

 

And you hope SHE stays NC? Not him?

 

Just trying to toughen you up a little bit. Right now, he NEEDS a policeman for a wife.

 

It's ok. The GPS was buried in the truck, it's been out of battery for months. Because of the configuration he had the truck set up for sleeping, it was impossible to retrieve. I have it now and it's charging.

 

He rode his bike to work today and plans to do that till winter. I can track him on the map my run app while biking. One reason he is riding is to save on gas and the other is because she won't see his truck parked there if she tries to come by and wait by the truck till he's out of work like she's done in the past. He has occasionally worked from home so she may think he's working from home. Also excercise helps him with the withdrawal and thoughts of her.

 

He said today his mind keeps wandering to her and wondering if she's ok being alone at night because her parents are in PR on vacation so she couldn't even stay with them because they took her key. He said its o though he just wanted to be open with me..that when that happens, he watches some of the affair recovery videos and refocuses and is keeping busy at work.

 

And yes I hope he keeps NC also.

[heartwhole]

So far so good!

[turnera]

At some stage - preferably in front of a counselor - you need to tell him that while you appreciate his honesty as far as his feelings for her go, you respect yourself too much to continue to be his whipping boy for him unloading all his sh&t on you. Go find a guy friend to cry over her about, you are his WIFE, and you do NOT want - nor deserve - to have to sit there and listen to him whine about his 'love.'

 

If you don't respect yourself, why should he?

 

You're doing this the wrong way.

[Lobe]

At some stage - preferably in front of a counselor - you need to tell him that while you appreciate his honesty as far as his feelings for her go, you respect yourself too much to continue to be his whipping boy for him unloading all his sh&t on you. Go find a guy friend to cry over her about, you are his WIFE, and you do NOT want - nor deserve - to have to sit there and listen to him whine about his 'love.'

 

If you don't respect yourself, why should he?

 

You're doing this the wrong way.

 

I'm going to pipe in here and say that whether or not his willingness to share his emotional process with his wife is a good thing or a bad thing is up to his wife. It might sound like the "wrong" thing to some but to others it may feel like the WS is trying to make sure he's not lying and is trying to open lines of communication and establish trust.

 

As a BS, as much as I would like to tell myself my WH's xOW meant nothing to him, he went through a breakup and breakups are painful. Hell, even recovering from unrequited love is painful. Not every WS turns it on and off like a tap and my husband (who was noble enough to be monogamous to his mistress during his affair ) was in pain. I'm not stupid or naive enough to think that he didn't feel very real depression and sadness and guilt over the way it ended, the way he treated her, the way she felt after d-day, and how he could have prevented all of it by a) not having the affair or b) divorcing me first. I (personally) would have liked my husband to feel like he could share with me his feelings and that we could have supported each other instead of being shut out and left guessing where his head was at. I would ask and he would tell me he felt too uncomfortable and embarrassed and ashamed to talk to me about it, so I respected his wish to grieve alone but would have preferred he was at least a little more open with me.

 

aileD, I'd like to know if you are OK hearing your hubby's feelings and find it helpful to know where he is at with his process, or if you'd rather he find a counsellor to work through it?