Wish me luck [updated from 'not sure what's going on']

[ladydesigner]

Ailed, have you verified everything he told you? It all sounds terribly convenient, that suddenly she's agreed to NC, plans to move somewhere else, her mother has taken a job somewhere else... All in a single conversation. This could be a false trail, while they take things underground.

 

But even if this latest OW is off the scene, it may be only a matter of time before he hunts for his next 20 year old. He has form. And it's not as though much has changed: you say you now "have the tools" to deal with issues, but you also said that you've been in counselling previously:

 

 

 

If it didn't work before, why will it suddenly work now? Nothing has changed for him - he's suffered no consequences; OTC has learned that a sob story will buy him all the time and sympathy he needs to carry on doing just what he wants, from both you and (X?)OW.

 

Please don't relax your guard too soon. I have a feeling you will be back here wondering what to do about the next OW he feels the need to rescue from her 20-year-old troubles.

 

Yep This^^^^^^

 

Is why I take care of ME first. When the other shoe drops.. so do I

[aileD]

Thanks for your concern. I am hopeful but believe me my guard is not down.

 

We had been doing IC and MC but not for a long time. Every other week, and MC was a six week discernment thing then like four sessions of real MC. It helps yes, but we aren't going to solve 20 years of personal and couple stuff in that short of time. Plus I don't count any of the MC because you can't really get anything out of MC if you're still in the affair. But the time helped us stay together and learn about each other at the time

 

Honestly we have found more resource in the affair recovery websites and other sites like that than any counselor yet.

 

It also just hasn't been one conversation. He's been talking to her for awhile about this. She's known for a good long time how he feels. This past weekend and this week it's like she's finally accepting, seeing that he's not going to move in with her, and hes really coming home and there is not much more to ten about because no matter how they feel about things...it doesn't change the outcome.

 

It's only day 1 of NC. We're only five hours in. Met WS at work and had a nice hour lunch. He's out at 6 and will call on the way. He was weepy this AM but said he kept telling himself it would be ok and focused on work. Asked how he's doing at lunch and said he feels good. Like a relief from the guilt and shame and stress. Like ready to get back to real life.

 

We still have a lot to work out. Like how It will be handled if there's contact and how he's going to open his phone to me and all that other stuff.

 

I haven't used the gps in his truck in awhile but it's an option.

 

Yes there is always the possibility he will find another 20 year old someday, but if he learns about himself and why he needs that attention and we work on the problems in our marriage then that helps the odds. Also he's said many times he hates this that he would rather die then ever get caught up in an emotional affair again....because this one was hell because of the feelings.

 

So. I guess we will see how it goes. I might start posting in the second chances place now.

Edited August 24, 2016 by aileD

[waterwoman]

Thanks for your concern. I am hopeful but believe me my guard is not down. ....

 

 

...Yes there is always the possibility he will find another 20 year old someday, but if he learns about himself and why he needs that attention and we work on the problems in our marriage then that helps the odds. ...

 

...So. I guess we will see how it goes. I might start posting in the second chances place now.

 

And unless you are prepared to end your marriage, and i sense you are not right now, all YOU can do in regards to his fidelity is watch and wait. It's his job to mend that bit.

 

I posted a week or so ago about how H was playing his KISA role with another damsel in distress. I laughed at him and basically told him he was being a gullible idiot and he needed to get a grip. He got a teeny bit defensive and than had the good sense to laugh at himself. I didn't get upset. After Dday (4 years ago now) H had his work to do, and then as a couple we had to do some recovering and regrouping but far and away the most important thing was for me to work on myself and turn my focus towards MYSELF, what i want and need and to understand that I must come first in my world to some extent (for the first time in my entire marriage). That has been done, I am stronger, more self-centred (literally) and if he should be enough of a fool to do it again HE will be the one losing out - because he will lose ME. That is his choice and his decision and he knows where he stands. Nothing else I can do to influence him.

 

I think a certain other relationship site uses the mantra 'let go of the outcome'. Just do your stuff, let him do his.

[ladydesigner]

And unless you are prepared to end your marriage, and i sense you are not right now, all YOU can do in regards to his fidelity is watch and wait. It's his job to mend that bit.

 

I posted a week or so ago about how H was playing his KISA role with another damsel in distress. I laughed at him and basically told him he was being a gullible idiot and he needed to get a grip. He got a teeny bit defensive and than had the good sense to laugh at himself. I didn't get upset. After Dday (4 years ago now) H had his work to do, and then as a couple we had to do some recovering and regrouping but far and away the most important thing was for me to work on myself and turn my focus towards MYSELF, what i want and need and to understand that I must come first in my world to some extent (for the first time in my entire marriage). That has been done, I am stronger, more self-centred (literally) and if he should be enough of a fool to do it again HE will be the one losing out - because he will lose ME. That is his choice and his decision and he knows where he stands. Nothing else I can do to influence him.

 

I think a certain other relationship site uses the mantra 'let go of the outcome'. Just do your stuff, let him do his.

 

Great post! Exactly what I was trying to say in mine, but yours came out so much better yes it definitly had to become more ME focused!

[aileD]

Thank you. Yes that's one of the reasons we are both doing IC too. Trying to cover all the bases everywhere

[Mr. Lucky]

Glad you got some well-deserved good news but, assuming "he" is part of "we", this is a dangerous and over-the-top assumption:

 

He said he's looking forward to recovery and seeing where this brings us now that we have all the tools and willingness and resources to help us succeed.

 

He's 24 hours away from living with her in his car, a little early for knighthood...

 

Mr. Lucky

[aileD]

Glad you got some well-deserved good news but, assuming "he" is part of "we", this is a dangerous and over-the-top assumption:

 

 

 

He's 24 hours away from living with her in his car, a little early for knighthood...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I hear you but it all starts with willingness and effort right?

 

Yesterday was weird. He came home after work, we made a family dinner and it was nice. We did work around the house and it was just kind of normal but with an air of weirdness, like we need to learn to be around each other again.

 

We talked later at night, agreed to take it slow. He thanked me for sticking by him and we talked about something I read about "pretend normal"...which is where you are in recovery from an affair, and get caught up in daily life again and recovery kind of takes the back burner and pretty soon you're back in the same spot you were in before. We agreed we need to keep talking and keeping our marriage recovery in the forefront.

 

She hasn't contacted him. He's going to be riding his bike to work to save on gas, and he told me that he would be on Map My Run so that I could track him. I went on there, and she's on his friends list. I asked him to remove her and he did. I told him I'm going to be uncomfortable for awhile as the trust is gone and he said to let him know what he can do to make me feel more comfortable.

 

He also told me, he wanted me to know he is going to give 100% to us and for us to keep working on our issues.

 

Time will tell obviously it's only been one day. I've learned not to get my hopes up so I've just decided to take it day by day. It gives me hope that this seems different than the other times he's returned after flip flopping.

 

Prior, it would always seem like he was forced to be here or stuck or resentful and it would come out in his words and actions. He's different,and like people have said in the past and what I've read online, your spouse has to WANT to work on things...you can't do it alone. It seems like we're a team finally.

 

Again, only one day but I believe in having hope and thinking positively.

[aileD]

so rereading my post above, I'm like "I'm not getting my hopes up", then I'm like "I believe in hope!"

 

let me explain. I do believe in hope. I do believe in "the secret" as you will and thinking positively about an outcome.

 

But I also know the history so although I do have hope and feel strongly about it, it does have a little rope around it ready to pull back if needed.

 

not sure if that makes sense. I'm cautious. I guess that's what I mean. Hopeful but cautious.

[wmacbride]

so rereading my post above, I'm like "I'm not getting my hopes up", then I'm like "I believe in hope!"

 

let me explain. I do believe in hope. I do believe in "the secret" as you will and thinking positively about an outcome.

 

But I also know the history so although I do have hope and feel strongly about it, it does have a little rope around it ready to pull back if needed.

 

not sure if that makes sense. I'm cautious. I guess that's what I mean. Hopeful but cautious.

 

That's a good way to be.

One of the counselors we saw told us that recovery is like a wide river that's going really fast. it has stepping stones across it, and even though it might be tempting to just jump in and swim across quickly, there's every chance you'll get swept away. The stones may be slower, but they have a greater chance of leading to success.

[understand50]

so rereading my post above, I'm like "I'm not getting my hopes up", then I'm like "I believe in hope!"

 

let me explain. I do believe in hope. I do believe in "the secret" as you will and thinking positively about an outcome.

 

But I also know the history so although I do have hope and feel strongly about it, it does have a little rope around it ready to pull back if needed.

 

not sure if that makes sense. I'm cautious. I guess that's what I mean. Hopeful but cautious.

 

AileD,

 

Signs of Hope. hold on to it. If you are committed to try and give all the chance in the world, maybe this is the first step back for him. In any case, I would have some type of plan both for divorce, or a reconciliation, and in you case, some hard type of work he will have to do to try and repair the marriage, and the relationship with his kids.

 

Weak men, and women, do not know the absolute damage and pain they cause as they "work" on themselves. If he comes back, he is going to have acknowledge all the pain and hurt he has caused. Remember, you and your kids are the injured parties here. You may find that this is the hardest thing he will have to do.

 

I wish you luck.

[turnera]

I haven't used the gps in his truck in awhile but it's an option.

Why not just start? Today?

 

And you hope SHE stays NC? Not him?

 

Just trying to toughen you up a little bit. Right now, he NEEDS a policeman for a wife.

[Mr Blunt]

Originally Posted by ailed

So rereading my post above, I'm like "I'm not getting my hopes up", then I'm like "I believe in hope!"

 

Let me explain. I do believe in hope. I do believe in "the secret" as you will and thinking positively about an outcome.

 

But I also know the history so although I do have hope and feel strongly about it, it does have a little rope around it ready to pull back if needed.

 

not sure if that makes sense. I'm cautious. I guess that's what I mean. Hopeful but cautious.

 

 

Your hope should be totally in yourself. Having your hope in your husband with his history is a HUGE risk. GET A JOB and concentrate on building yourself up; in other words focus completely on you and your children; leave your husband out of your rebuilding plan. Put your effort into that rather than your hope in someone that does not have your best interest at heart. I know that your emotions are all consuming but you can refocus your time and effort in another area. You are going to suffer with your bleeding emotions regardless so why not start doing something that you can be in such a better shape to make your life better?

 

You have all your eggs in one basket and that basket is very weak and has broken are least twice. If you insist on having hope in someone else rather than yourself then be prepared to be dependent on him for your financial survival and your emotional health.

 

You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by totally concentrating on yourself. Stop draining your emotions and strength on a very weak man and put your hope in yourself.

 

Bottom line;

If your husband does what you hope he does ( that will take years) then you will be in a much better shape to help rebuild the marriage if you get stronger now!

 

Do you agree that hope in yourself has a LOT better chance of you having a much better life?

[aileD]

Why not just start? Today?

 

And you hope SHE stays NC? Not him?

 

Just trying to toughen you up a little bit. Right now, he NEEDS a policeman for a wife.

 

It's ok. The GPS was buried in the truck, it's been out of battery for months. Because of the configuration he had the truck set up for sleeping, it was impossible to retrieve. I have it now and it's charging.

 

He rode his bike to work today and plans to do that till winter. I can track him on the map my run app while biking. One reason he is riding is to save on gas and the other is because she won't see his truck parked there if she tries to come by and wait by the truck till he's out of work like she's done in the past. He has occasionally worked from home so she may think he's working from home. Also excercise helps him with the withdrawal and thoughts of her.

 

He said today his mind keeps wandering to her and wondering if she's ok being alone at night because her parents are in PR on vacation so she couldn't even stay with them because they took her key. He said its o though he just wanted to be open with me..that when that happens, he watches some of the affair recovery videos and refocuses and is keeping busy at work.

 

And yes I hope he keeps NC also.

[heartwhole]

So far so good!

[turnera]

At some stage - preferably in front of a counselor - you need to tell him that while you appreciate his honesty as far as his feelings for her go, you respect yourself too much to continue to be his whipping boy for him unloading all his sh&t on you. Go find a guy friend to cry over her about, you are his WIFE, and you do NOT want - nor deserve - to have to sit there and listen to him whine about his 'love.'

 

If you don't respect yourself, why should he?

 

You're doing this the wrong way.

[Lobe]

At some stage - preferably in front of a counselor - you need to tell him that while you appreciate his honesty as far as his feelings for her go, you respect yourself too much to continue to be his whipping boy for him unloading all his sh&t on you. Go find a guy friend to cry over her about, you are his WIFE, and you do NOT want - nor deserve - to have to sit there and listen to him whine about his 'love.'

 

If you don't respect yourself, why should he?

 

You're doing this the wrong way.

 

I'm going to pipe in here and say that whether or not his willingness to share his emotional process with his wife is a good thing or a bad thing is up to his wife. It might sound like the "wrong" thing to some but to others it may feel like the WS is trying to make sure he's not lying and is trying to open lines of communication and establish trust.

 

As a BS, as much as I would like to tell myself my WH's xOW meant nothing to him, he went through a breakup and breakups are painful. Hell, even recovering from unrequited love is painful. Not every WS turns it on and off like a tap and my husband (who was noble enough to be monogamous to his mistress during his affair ) was in pain. I'm not stupid or naive enough to think that he didn't feel very real depression and sadness and guilt over the way it ended, the way he treated her, the way she felt after d-day, and how he could have prevented all of it by a) not having the affair or b) divorcing me first. I (personally) would have liked my husband to feel like he could share with me his feelings and that we could have supported each other instead of being shut out and left guessing where his head was at. I would ask and he would tell me he felt too uncomfortable and embarrassed and ashamed to talk to me about it, so I respected his wish to grieve alone but would have preferred he was at least a little more open with me.

 

aileD, I'd like to know if you are OK hearing your hubby's feelings and find it helpful to know where he is at with his process, or if you'd rather he find a counsellor to work through it?

[heartwhole]

I agree that each BS must find and advocate for the right balance for them. I had to tell my WS that moping to me about how hard it was to give OW up was NOT something I wanted to hear about. I reached out to his best friend to be an ear instead, but his best friend was incredibly angry at WH too.

 

In any event, thankfully after the cord was broken, it only took a week or two until WH was cheerfully exclaiming, "I thought this would be harder! I don't even miss her!" Well, hurray for you ... .

[Lobe]

WH was cheerfully exclaiming, "I thought this would be harder! I don't even miss her!" Well, hurray for you ... .

 

I'm not sure if I would have preferred that over my husband feeling a genuine attachment to his AP, so deep he couldn't bear to touch me once they became physical . Either way it just plain sucks.

[ladydesigner]

At some stage - preferably in front of a counselor - you need to tell him that while you appreciate his honesty as far as his feelings for her go, you respect yourself too much to continue to be his whipping boy for him unloading all his sh&t on you. Go find a guy friend to cry over her about, you are his WIFE, and you do NOT want - nor deserve - to have to sit there and listen to him whine about his 'love.'

 

If you don't respect yourself, why should he?

 

You're doing this the wrong way.

 

I wouldn't allow him to discuss his feelings about her AT ALL to you. He needs to do this in counseling. While you may feel okay with it right now, later on it may haunt you and even cause you to not want to R down the line. Don't allow it for yourself, that is not fair to you.

[aileD]

aileD, I'd like to know if you are OK hearing your hubby's feelings and find it helpful to know where he is at with his process, or if you'd rather he find a counsellor to work through it?

 

Honestly...it's weird. Do I like to hear it? No. Of course not, it sucks. But...it's also the truth, and if we are trying to rebuild, I don't want to start by him hiding the truth from me about anything.

 

It's different somehow this time though. All the other times he's come back it's been out of guilt or ...whatever and it's always seemed like he was angry about it. Or when he wasn't angry he was like the above posters WS and being a whiny, crying sob story and acting pathetic like his dog died or something like that.

 

This time, it's like he made the decision instead of being forced into it. We have been talking a lot...which is awesome. I was able to ask some questions and get honest answers. I learned that even though Everyone around me was telling me to run, the love I showed him made him really just think about things more and more and more as time went on. He said there was a lot of great things about her and he was seeing this and overlooking the bad....that some things we talked about forced him to look at the negatives as well. (I liked hearing her negatives! ). Also he told me about conversations he had with her like just telling her "I haven't filed divorce in all his time. Most people struggle with money and getting a lawyer, I have one at my disposal that will do it all for free and I still haven't done it. That says something ".

 

I also asked about something that bothered me for a long time, that she gave him some engraved necklace and a frigging ring that he kept on the necklace ...I wanted to know what it said (he told me) and if he bought her a ring.

 

He said she showed up one time to meet him and had a ring for him and her that she got down the beach(hello high school)....that he wasn't comfortable with it, but took it anyway. Wore it for a day or two and just put it on the necklace.

 

Said he all of a sudden started just thinking more in the married sense...that maybe it was coming out of the affair bubble or the fantasy...but he started being like "I can't wear your ring..,I'm still MARRIED". And she was pissed he wouldn't sign the lease with her and be had to tell her..."I can't sign this....im still married...I haven't filed for divorce...this says something. ". He ended up telling her they were never going to be because he's married (I know, he gets a conscience NOW)...

 

He kept having those conversations with her, coupled with seeing her in the real light, coupled with seeing himself in the real light and that he was only so focused on the negatives in our marriage that he overlooked the good and the things He did wrong too and that Ive always loved humans we have history and all that.

 

I told him to be honest I didn't think you would actually leave till she was in her apartment. He said, that it was like once he knew what he was going to do....and was clear...that there was no reason for him to stay. He just wanted to get back home and start fixing things. Said he told her things like to lock her car and be careful and don't park in the same place all the time bla bla and she said to him "why don't you just stay?" He said he told her he was t going to be there to protect her for the rest of her life and she was going to make her own decisions and the fact is she does have options she just doesn't want to use them and that's her decision.

 

We talked about a bunch of other personal stuff and kind of reconnected...it was nice. Just trying to stay focused. He's being open, today came home from work and told me "no messages, just wanted you to know".

 

So I went off on a tangent but...I think in the past during the back and forth, it was clear he wasn't choosing me even when he was here and those times I didn't want to hear him complain about missing her because it was desperate and absurd way. This time, seems different in that he has chosen me for the right reasons this time and yes he tells me his feeling of missing her but it's not in a whiny two year old didn't get what he wants way...it's more thoughtful and """hey I wanted you to know I'm struggling right now with memories but doing this this and this to get thru it"

[aileD]

At some stage - preferably in front of a counselor - you need to tell him that while you appreciate his honesty as far as his feelings for her go, you respect yourself too much to continue to be his whipping boy for him unloading all his sh&t on you. Go find a guy friend to cry over her about, you are his WIFE, and you do NOT want - nor deserve - to have to sit there and listen to him whine about his 'love.'

 

If you don't respect yourself, why should he?

 

You're doing this the wrong way.

 

I disagree and explained why above in the last paragraph ^^^^

[aileD]

I wouldn't allow him to discuss his feelings about her AT ALL to you. He needs to do this in counseling. While you may feel okay with it right now, later on it may haunt you and even cause you to not want to R down the line. Don't allow it for yourself, that is not fair to you.

 

Don't know. Been reading a lot of about "full disclosure". I don't think you can get through everything honestly if you keep things from each other.

 

Just because he tells me this stuff doesn't mean that I have to sit here and internalize my discomfort with it. I too can let him know how I feel when I hear those things and we can figure out how to navigate thru it.

[BettyDraper]

Oh I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to say. It's just heart breaking. I know! You marry someone who you believe to be kind & sensitive only to discover they're also self indulgent & cruel. Ugh!!

 

 

I'm worried that you're having severe financial issues & you haven't received legal advise. You're filing for bankruptcy. How long has he been out of the house? There might be legal options to help YOU. Legally has he abandoned your family? I don't know answers. Maybe if you try just a free consultation with a lawyer from another town?

 

You know the old saying? "Hope for the best but always plan for the worse".

 

I'm a SAHM who sacrificed so much for my H's career & my family. It's easy for others to say "never allow yourself to become financially dependent on a man" (I even said that!!) but often life doesn't work like that!

I grew-up on a smallholding little family farm. It's so much work! It's a huge dream. I'm so very sorry that your dreams are being broken like this.

 

Sorry but that is not true at all.

Women have control over our lives in this day and age.

 

My husband is the breadwinner but I still have more than enough money to leave him if need be. I have a bank account which he doesn't have any access to. I would never be comfortable with staying at home if I had no education, investments in my name only and savings.

 

I don't agree that it is hard for women to protect ourselves before we make precarious choices. The sad fact is that some men can be very fickle and selfish once they hit midlife. Years spent building a life and family with a wife means nothing to those once a better looking or younger woman comes along.

[jenkins95]

(((((aileD)))))

 

Just wanted to send you a big hug. I have been reading your thread for a long time from the shadows and i want to tell you that I think you are a truly amazing woman.

 

Some posters have criticised you for how much you have let your H get away with. But only you truly know the people involved in your story, the feelings nvolved and the history. And only you know how YOU want to deal with what's happened. You have chosen to fight hard for your marriage and find forgiveness in your heart and in my book that makes you a very lovely, strong and wonderful person.

 

Your H may be all over the place at the moment, buy I truly hope that he stays the course now, maintains strict NC and remains fully re-committed to the marriage. One day he will be truly astonished and ashamed when he realises what he nearly threw away. He will also realise how lucky he is that you have stood by him after all he has done.

 

You are amazing. Keep posting. We are here aileD. Stay strong.

[BettyDraper]

At some stage - preferably in front of a counselor - you need to tell him that while you appreciate his honesty as far as his feelings for her go, you respect yourself too much to continue to be his whipping boy for him unloading all his sh&t on you. Go find a guy friend to cry over her about, you are his WIFE, and you do NOT want - nor deserve - to have to sit there and listen to him whine about his 'love.'

 

If you don't respect yourself, why should he?

 

You're doing this the wrong way.

 

I have to say that I agree. Being open about pining for the affair partner strikes me as disrespectful and unnecessary. alieD, your husband's sadness over his side piece is not your problem. He did this to himself!

 

That said, you are the only person who can decide what feels right to you. If you are okay with hearing such details, then keep listening to them if you think it will help. I must say that when I read your posts, I wonder if you love your husband more than you love yourself. That is just my impression and of course I could be wrong.

 

If the tables were turned and you were living in a car with some boy half your age, do you think that your husband would be giving you another chance?