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Wish me luck [updated from 'not sure what's going on']


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Everyone is so focused on his normal feelings of sadness at this break up.

 

It wasn't a one night stand. It wasn't just for sex, it was a full blown emotional affair. Of course he's going to have sadness and to pretend that it shouldn't be something we have to deal with in recovery is absurd.

 

He's only been home three days. And to be honest, he's only talked about struggling with it the first or second day at work....and he let me know, and he found ways on his own to deal with it. He's explained to me why he made the decisions he made and how he feels about them.

 

I don't know why it's bothering people so much.

 

On the financial thing, The only time in our marriage I've been "dependant" on him for money is right now. (since July 8). Even being a SAHM, I full time nannied and pitched in my share. There's a specific reason I'm not working right this second but if he were to leave me, I wouldn't not be in financial ruins, it would just be difficult one single income.

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(((((aileD)))))

 

Just wanted to send you a big hug. I have been reading your thread for a long time from the shadows and i want to tell you that I think you are a truly amazing woman.

 

Some posters have criticised you for how much you have let your H get away with. But only you truly know the people involved in your story, the feelings nvolved and the history. And only you know how YOU want to deal with what's happened. You have chosen to fight hard for your marriage and find forgiveness in your heart and in my book that makes you a very lovely, strong and wonderful person.

 

Your H may be all over the place at the moment, buy I truly hope that he stays the course now, maintains strict NC and remains fully re-committed to the marriage. One day he will be truly astonished and ashamed when he realises what he nearly threw away. He will also realise how lucky he is that you have stood by him after all he has done.

 

You are amazing. Keep posting. We are here aileD. Stay strong.

. Thank you...this made me tear up
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I'm not sure if I would have preferred that over my husband feeling a genuine attachment to his AP, so deep he couldn't bear to touch me once they became physical :sick:. Either way it just plain sucks.

 

How genuine can feelings be when they are bred in deceit and dishonor? They felt genuine to him at the time. Clearly, though, when you see how quickly he got over them, you see that they were pretty shallow. He loved how she made him feel. He's working on his low empathy; this was a symptom of it.

 

It also helped that OW lives half a world away. So yeah, he thought he luh-luh-loved her, but enough to go through a year long separation to be able to divorce me and then try to get her a green card etc etc? That would have to love with a capital L. It also made getting over her easier because a few blocks on his phone and there was no way for them to interact.

 

Anyway, sorry to thread jack. Just wanted to say that I was in the same boat, and I tried to be kind and patient, but I wasn't willing to be the one to help him get over the loss that he wouldn't have had to grieve if he had made better choices from the get go. Maybe I'm just not as big of a person as ailed. In any event, it sounds like Ailed's WH's analysis is reassuring because it's different than the times before.

 

And if any WH could just go from luh-luh-loving the OW to being like, "Who? Oh, I forgot about her" in one day, then obviously they are just lying and not doing the emotional work. But too much detail and moping is selfish and doesn't need to be tolerated.

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I too can let him know how I feel when I hear those things and we can figure out how to navigate thru it.

Have you? Told him?

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At some stage - preferably in front of a counselor - you need to tell him that while you appreciate his honesty as far as his feelings for her go, you respect yourself too much to continue to be his whipping boy for him unloading all his sh&t on you. Go find a guy friend to cry over her about, you are his WIFE, and you do NOT want - nor deserve - to have to sit there and listen to him whine about his 'love.'

 

If you don't respect yourself, why should he?

 

You're doing this the wrong way.

 

While I agree with this 100%, sometimes it's easier to say than it is to do, especially for a bs who still loves their ws deeply. You are split between wanting to help the person you love stop hurting, and wanting to kick them where the sun doesn't shine.

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Sorry but that is not true at all.

Women have control over our lives in this day and age.

 

My husband is the breadwinner but I still have more than enough money to leave him if need be. I have a bank account which he doesn't have any access to. I would never be comfortable with staying at home if I had no education, investments in my name only and savings.

 

I don't agree that it is hard for women to protect ourselves before we make precarious choices. The sad fact is that some men can be very fickle and selfish once they hit midlife. Years spent building a life and family with a wife means nothing to those once a better looking or younger woman comes along.

 

While I agree with what you are saying on one hand, there are times when a woman, or a man, can become dependent on their spouse. It is often not really a choice, but a situation that evolved over time.

I was that way for a long time because of my children's heath issues. Someone had to stay at home and take them to appointments, provide therapy at home, go to their school, stay with them in the hospital, etc., etc., etc.. I was the one who did it, and living on one income was really hand to mouth for us. We gave up pretty much every luxury, and still were struggling. the idea of making any sort of investments was no even on our radar.

It would have been the same way even if I'd had a six figure income when my kids issues first showed up. Not many jobs let you take weeks off at a time with no notice.

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By Jenkins

Some posters have criticized you for how much you have let your H get away with. But only you truly know the people involved in your story, the feelings involved and the history. And only you know how YOU want to deal with what's happened. You have chosen to fight hard for your marriage and find forgiveness in your heart and in my book that makes you a very lovely, strong and wonderful person.

 

Men are different than women and I know that so my post may not fit AileD. It seems to me that AileD has compromised and allowed her husband to walk all over her and disrespect her for over TWO YEARS! I understand that compromise is necessary in this world but there is a point that compromise changes into being a door mat. I do not see allowing your spouse to be so selfish for so long and disrespecting you and damaging love for so many months and years to be strong. I can see that as being weak or living in a make believe world.

 

 

You have chosen to fight hard for your marriage and find forgiveness in your heart and in my book that makes you a very lovely, strong and wonderful person.

 

If finding forgiveness in her heart is what her sole goal is even though she knows that she has allowed him get away with a LOT, then yes, I would agree that she is a strong and wonderful person. If that is the case then she is a better person than I am because I could not hold on that long while being so disrespected and having love damaged so severly.

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Men are different than women and I know that so my post may not fit AileD. It seems to me that AileD has compromised and allowed her husband to walk all over her and disrespect her for over TWO YEARS! I understand that compromise is necessary in this world but there is a point that compromise changes into being a door mat. I do not see allowing your spouse to be so selfish for so long and disrespecting you and damaging love for so many months and years to be strong. I can see that as being weak or living in a make believe world.

 

 

 

 

If finding forgiveness in her heart is what her sole goal is even though she knows that she has allowed him get away with a LOT, then yes, I would agree that she is a strong and wonderful person. If that is the case then she is a better person than I am because I could not hold on that long while being so disrespected and having love damaged so severly.

 

 

You make some excellent points Mr B as always and I see exactly what you are saying. I just wanted to extend a hug to aileD because she has been let down and disappointed so many times, but still she retains hope, carries on, gives chances, shows incredible restraint and patience, forgives and tries to see and understand everything from every angle and works tirelessly to save her marriage.

 

Whether she is actually doing the right thing from an objective point of view, well, it's impossible to say really. Time will tell, and I am crossing my fingers for her.

 

But whatever happens, she comes across as an incredibly sensitive, loving, special person and it's hard not to feel emotional reading this thread. I wish I could give her a real hug - I'm sure she could do with one. I hope she's getting lots of them from her husband.

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ladydesigner
Don't know. Been reading a lot of about "full disclosure". I don't think you can get through everything honestly if you keep things from each other.

 

Just because he tells me this stuff doesn't mean that I have to sit here and internalize my discomfort with it. I too can let him know how I feel when I hear those things and we can figure out how to navigate thru it.

 

There is a difference between 'full disclosure' and disclosing feelings about missing your AP. I do not think a WS should be allowed to wallow in front of the BS like that. I couldn't do it. Wouldn't care to hear about it.

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There is a difference between 'full disclosure' and disclosing feelings about missing your AP. I do not think a WS should be allowed to wallow in front of the BS like that. I couldn't do it. Wouldn't care to hear about it.

 

I think there's a fine line between wallowing and being honest about the funk you're in. And there needs to be some kind of limit on how long it goes on for, too - but we are less than a week into R. I'm also assuming (hoping?) that aileD will know when her limit has been hit and that he supports her in return as she goes through the process of healing.

 

How are things going, aileD?

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ladydesigner
I think there's a fine line between wallowing and being honest about the funk you're in. And there needs to be some kind of limit on how long it goes on for, too - but we are less than a week into R. I'm also assuming (hoping?) that aileD will know when her limit has been hit and that he supports her in return as she goes through the process of healing.

 

How are things going, aileD?

 

True, but I couldn't even deal with any kind of funk my WH was in and the state of mind I was in post Dday. If I heard even heard a whisper about MOW I think I would have kicked him out.

 

AileD you are very patient and loving and I hope your WH continues to do the work. I am worried he will take advantage of your nature when he gets weak.

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ShatteredLady

I met my H just after my 21st birthday (his 22nd our birthdays are only days apart) we basically grew-up together. We were together 6 years before we married & another 10 years before we started having children.

 

I those years we did so many things. We travelled, partied, stayed-up until dawn on a regular basis talking about everything & anything until dawn. We shared everything. We talked, analyzed, dreamt, planned, shared. No subject was off limits. We were best friends, lovers, closer than close.

 

I'm not living a nightmare for me & my nature. I feel that the OW knows more about my H & our relationship than I do. I would give almost anything to get back to who we were! I desperately NEED to communicate. I NEED to be closer than close again.

 

I feel a million miles away.

 

When Aile says...

 

"he tells me his feeling of missing her but it's not in a whiny two year old didn't get what he wants way...it's more thoughtful and """hey I wanted you to know I'm struggling right now with memories but doing this this and this to get thru it"

 

....I'm jealous!! I understand what many of you are saying, I truly do but after living the opposite for the last year I feel like there's this impenetrable wall between us. We've spent our whole lives together & now I'm living with a stranger & I HATE it!!

 

There's a fine line between being closer than close & listening to a selfish child, lacking compassion, spouting endless drivel about his own pain AND total honestly & transparency in a relationship.

 

There are 2 sides to every coin & one could argue that is communication that has salvaged this marriage (so far. I know it's very early days). In so many ways this is one of the most horrible stories I've ever read on LS. I don't know that I could of stuck it out & retained my sanity.

 

It's different when you've spent your whole lives together AND had some very deeply damaging mental issues from childhood to work through. I don't know! I know there has to be a line drawn somewhere but I would of much preferred my H to tell me the truth than had more & even more, "What's wrong?"..."oh it's just a bad day at work." Bollocks!!

 

 

I WANT, I NEED intimacy, the whole truth & nothing but the truth. Sometimes honesty, no matter how painful, within reason, is so much better than the alternative.

 

The nightmare has happened. None of us can live "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spitless Mind" (one of my favorite movies ever) I wouldn't want to! I'd be the girl who works at the company but would never use their services!! Give me the truth. Leave it to me to decide what I can & can't live with.

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By Jenkins95

I just wanted to extend a hug to aileD because she has been let down and disappointed so many times, but still she retains hope, carries on, gives chances, shows incredible restraint and patience, forgives and tries to see and understand everything from every angle and works tirelessly to save her marriage.

 

You are an empathic person that gives encouragement. I really like people like you.

 

I think we both gave aileD some food for thought. I hope that aileD is encouraged by your great words of affirmation and gives the other posts some serious consideration. It would be a total waste to have such a good woman possibly be turned into a door mat!

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ShatteredLady, I don't think it's wrong for him to tell her the truth about how he feels - TO A POINT. Yes, we're only a few weeks in. But if she doesn't set up SOME kind of boundary, SOME kind of timeline after which she says ENOUGH!, then she WILL be a doormat. And I mean no offense by that. I mean that she is sabotaging her OWN success at marriage by continuing to be his 'shoulder to cry on.'

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I met my H just after my 21st birthday (his 22nd our birthdays are only days apart) we basically grew-up together. We were together 6 years before we married & another 10 years before we started having children.

 

I those years we did so many things. We travelled, partied, stayed-up until dawn on a regular basis talking about everything & anything until dawn. We shared everything. We talked, analyzed, dreamt, planned, shared. No subject was off limits. We were best friends, lovers, closer than close.

 

I'm not living a nightmare for me & my nature. I feel that the OW knows more about my H & our relationship than I do. I would give almost anything to get back to who we were! I desperately NEED to communicate. I NEED to be closer than close again.

 

I feel a million miles away.

 

When Aile says...

 

"he tells me his feeling of missing her but it's not in a whiny two year old didn't get what he wants way...it's more thoughtful and """hey I wanted you to know I'm struggling right now with memories but doing this this and this to get thru it"

 

....I'm jealous!! I understand what many of you are saying, I truly do but after living the opposite for the last year I feel like there's this impenetrable wall between us. We've spent our whole lives together & now I'm living with a stranger & I HATE it!!

 

There's a fine line between being closer than close & listening to a selfish child, lacking compassion, spouting endless drivel about his own pain AND total honestly & transparency in a relationship.

 

There are 2 sides to every coin & one could argue that is communication that has salvaged this marriage (so far. I know it's very early days). In so many ways this is one of the most horrible stories I've ever read on LS. I don't know that I could of stuck it out & retained my sanity.

 

It's different when you've spent your whole lives together AND had some very deeply damaging mental issues from childhood to work through. I don't know! I know there has to be a line drawn somewhere but I would of much preferred my H to tell me the truth than had more & even more, "What's wrong?"..."oh it's just a bad day at work." Bollocks!!

 

 

I WANT, I NEED intimacy, the whole truth & nothing but the truth. Sometimes honesty, no matter how painful, within reason, is so much better than the alternative.

 

The nightmare has happened. None of us can live "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spitless Mind" (one of my favorite movies ever) I wouldn't want to! I'd be the girl who works at the company but would never use their services!! Give me the truth. Leave it to me to decide what I can & can't live with.

Wow. This was an eye-opener for me to what was really probably going on with my WH when we were about 3 months post d-day. We packed up and left the state and on the 3-day drive to our destination he said hardly a word. On our arrival, hardly a word.

 

I think now that he was grieving the loss of her constant companionship b/c they'd talked, texted or emailed ALL DAY LONG EVERY DAY (the EA). I would constantly ask why he wasn't talking to me. He couldn't or wouldn't just up and replace the routine of her constant presence overnight - I think now - but he also would not tell me ANY of his thoughts or feelings. I was completely shut out. It was ... silence.

 

If that's what it was - then I would have preferred Aile's form of torture: the truth.

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Wow. This was an eye-opener for me to what was really probably going on with my WH when we were about 3 months post d-day. We packed up and left the state and on the 3-day drive to our destination he said hardly a word. On our arrival, hardly a word.

 

I think now that he was grieving the loss of her constant companionship b/c they'd talked, texted or emailed ALL DAY LONG EVERY DAY (the EA). I would constantly ask why he wasn't talking to me. He couldn't or wouldn't just up and replace the routine of her constant presence overnight - I think now - but he also would not tell me ANY of his thoughts or feelings. I was completely shut out. It was ... silence.

 

If that's what it was - then I would have preferred Aile's form of torture: the truth.

 

I relate to this from the MM perspective mermeade. Long drives with barely a word spoken - yep, we've had plenty of those and yes the three month mark is quite a tough time. It was for us too. A year on things are much better, but there are still the odd brief silences.

 

If he's anything like me, he was probably mulling the whole thing over in constant loops, feeling bad, feeling sorry for himself, feeling embarrassed, etc. Yes part of it would likely have been missing the OW and the fun, care free nature of what they had, but that would only be one aspect of that silence. He would also be berating himself for what he did to you, how he could let out happen, worrying about if life could ever be the same again. A lot of why me, why me cr*p - it was that for me anyway.

 

Although the extent of aileD's H's honesty is quite shocking and I could never be that frank with my wife, SL is right. It does at least enable intimacy and leaves aileD in no doubt that she is getting the truth and that he isn't putting barriers up. If it works for them, great. For the rest of us, those awkward silences, the mentioning of 'oh, it's just a bad day at work', etc..... Well we will just have to deal with them as best we can and know that things will eventually get better. In SL's case, it seems like this is a real problem and I really hope you find ways of getting him to open up. Often it's just a case of providing a comfortable non threatening environment where he feels he won't be attacked if he says the wrong thing. Us MM's are often cowards - if we think that something we say will cause everything to kick off, we stay silent if we think we will get an easier ride. While we don't deserve to be given an easy ride, it does help to make us feel comfortable in opening up more.

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I relate to this from the MM perspective mermeade. Long drives with barely a word spoken - yep, we've had plenty of those and yes the three month mark is quite a tough time. It was for us too. A year on things are much better, but there are still the odd brief silences.

 

If he's anything like me, he was probably mulling the whole thing over in constant loops, feeling bad, feeling sorry for himself, feeling embarrassed, etc. Yes part of it would likely have been missing the OW and the fun, care free nature of what they had, but that would only be one aspect of that silence. He would also be berating himself for what he did to you, how he could let out happen, worrying about if life could ever be the same again. A lot of why me, why me cr*p - it was that for me anyway.

 

Although the extent of aileD's H's honesty is quite shocking and I could never be that frank with my wife, SL is right. It does at least enable intimacy and leaves aileD in no doubt that she is getting the truth and that he isn't putting barriers up. If it works for them, great. For the rest of us, those awkward silences, the mentioning of 'oh, it's just a bad day at work', etc..... Well we will just have to deal with them as best we can and know that things will eventually get better. In SL's case, it seems like this is a real problem and I really hope you find ways of getting him to open up. Often it's just a case of providing a comfortable non threatening environment where he feels he won't be attacked if he says the wrong thing. Us MM's are often cowards - if we think that something we say will cause everything to kick off, we stay silent if we think we will get an easier ride. While we don't deserve to be given an easy ride, it does help to make us feel comfortable in opening up more.

You know? This sounds just like my WH - especially the bold - so maybe you're right. I thank you for this, Jenkins. My husband would probably say, "Well, of course, that's it. What did you think?" - as if I just forgot to read his mind that time.
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I imagine - if I could speak for you, aileD - that before the affair, the two of them WERE great friends, shared everything, all thoughts and feelings, and they just gradually drifted away from that. She was his best friend - until she wasn't because some OTHER woman became his best friend. And now that BF#2 is gone, he simply shifted back to what's easiest for him - letting aileD play that role again. I don't think that's malevolence. I think it's a fairly typical male response to a woman filling all his needs (including replacing his mother) and just, well, expecting it.

 

aileD had been getting the companionship - one of women's typical highest Emotional Needs - all along and then had it pulled from her. Now that she's got it back, however the circumstances, she's so grateful she's willing to look past everything else just to have it.

 

Which is fine. If she can do it.

 

AS LONG AS it doesn't create a seed in her H's brain that this is just how he gets to have it now - leave, come back, leave, come back, whenever he needs more...because she'll just always be there.

 

I just hope he's a better man than that.

Edited by turnera
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I just hope he's a better man than that.

 

I'll avoid any cheap shots and just quote Santayana - “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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ladydesigner
Wow. This was an eye-opener for me to what was really probably going on with my WH when we were about 3 months post d-day. We packed up and left the state and on the 3-day drive to our destination he said hardly a word. On our arrival, hardly a word.

 

I think now that he was grieving the loss of her constant companionship b/c they'd talked, texted or emailed ALL DAY LONG EVERY DAY (the EA). I would constantly ask why he wasn't talking to me. He couldn't or wouldn't just up and replace the routine of her constant presence overnight - I think now - but he also would not tell me ANY of his thoughts or feelings. I was completely shut out. It was ... silence.

 

If that's what it was - then I would have preferred Aile's form of torture: the truth.

 

I wonder how many BS's would be willing to listen to their WS suffering over their AP... idk I don't have any sympathy for it. It's like a self-inflicted wound to me.

 

I get that you want to know, but what else is there to know... WS fell in love with someone else and now they are grieving them. I wouldn't want to hear about it, but I guess that's what makes each of these experiences individual. It works for some and may not for others.

Edited by ladydesigner
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aileD had been getting the companionship - one of women's typical highest Emotional Needs - all along and then had it pulled from her. Now that she's got it back, however the circumstances, she's so grateful she's willing to look past everything else just to have it.

 

Which is fine. If she can do it.

 

AS LONG AS it doesn't create a seed in her H's brain that this is just how he gets to have it now - leave, come back, leave, come back, whenever he needs more...because she'll just always be there.

 

...with the hanky and a sympathetic ear to listen to all his woes.

Sounds just about perfect.

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I wonder how many BS's would be willing to listen to their WS suffering over their AP... idk I don't have any sympathy for it. It's like a self-inflicted wound to me.

 

I get that you want to know, but what else is there to know... WS fell in love with someone else and now they are grieving them. I wouldn't want to hear about it, but I guess that's what makes each of these experiences individual. It works for some and may not for others.

 

I didn't want to hear it but I also didn't want him lying to me about where his head was at. Empathy doesn't imply condoning.

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Lobe and Aille, I agree that it is honest and empathic, but the experience is searingly painful. I admire the strength of a BS who can bear it. I tried, but listening felt like putting my head against an electric fence. I was just unable to do it without reacting like something from 'The Exorcist'.

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ShatteredLady

The silence strangles you. Reaches down your throat. Breaks your insides. Crushes your heart. Maybe that's the constant pain that makes it so hard to breathe. The panic, my heart beating against the fist of silence. ALL the silence. Even the sweet smiles are accompanied by the silence.

 

Occasionally I muster the courage to talk, really talk & he listens...in silence.

 

Maybe one day I'll see a lawyer & just tell him that I can't take the deafening silence anymore. It's slowly killing me.

 

Am I the only person who feels like they're going to physically vomit up their heart because it can't burst out of their chest?

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