Wish me luck [updated from 'not sure what's going on']

[ladydesigner]

Thanks you guys, I appreciate it.

 

He's still not being clear just that he's working on himself. I notice on the phone bill they're not together as much....well I assume if they're calling each other at 9, 10, 11 at night that they're not together at those times.

 

He mentioned that his boss offered him to stay at her house but only under the condition that he's there to be alone and not be with AP or with me.

 

It seemed like he was considering that. Broke down and sent him an email last night voicing my frustration that I gave so many years of my life to him, gave up so much of myself to raise the kids and now that they're older and k can finally breathe and focus on me and us---he leaves. Hands over all I've strived for to someone else who didn't earn it.

 

And how that made me feel. Probably the wrong thing to do. But I was so angry and upset last night that I did. Seems like the blame is alswsy put on me because I put the kids first instead of him so we lost our connection. So I went off about how hard it is to be a SAHM and how I did everything for everyone. He would come home from work, the kids would flocks to him like he's a superhero, we'd eat the dinner I would cook then he'd go do his hobbies ( exercise, video games, reading) meanwhile I'm bathing the kids and all that.

 

I'm like you blamed it all on me but you never saw all that was piled on me. All I stood through. An you just go and give everything I worked for to someone else. You start to heal from your trauma and she gets the good you? What about all the hard times I stood by you during because of your past? I'm just thrown out like trash

 

I just went off, but I'm sure I just sounded whiny and desperate.

 

We are filing bankruptcy so we talked about that this morning, and when I tried to talk about US he got annoyed. Said he was working on things, working on himself, focusing on himself and figuring things out and why can't I see the work he's putting in that he feels like he's getting closer. I was like why can't you just come home and work on it.

 

Then he asked me if I was going to gather the BKR documents or should we just forget about it. I took offense to that because he couldn't just ask me nicely when he knows I'm hurting he's got to put an assumption in there that I'm not going to do it. So I said of course I was going do it (I handle the bills anyway) and he's like ok well sometimes stuff doesn't get done. So I snapped, you know what would be awesome? If you came home and we did it together!

 

And he hung up on me. Tried to say again now every interaction with me turns negative every time. Every time he's "close" something like this happens. I just said he is so blind he can't even see what he does.

 

Now I'm lying in bed eating zebra cakes. Why do I even try

 

I'm sorry hun I really am. My heart hurts for you because I can feel how much you love your WH through your posts. I wasn't a SAHM but I was the sole caretaker for the kids and worked a 40 hr week I get it. My WH has no idea the amount of work it took me to keep our household running, he only thought of himself always and how HIS NEEDS WEREN'T BEING TAKEN CARE OF

 

f**k that sh*t!

 

I just bolded some of the above. My WH used to give me all the same dribble and no action too until I was serious about leaving him (still am). Your WH is not doing ANY work. If he was he would be home and in therapy. I'm not buying it.

[aileD]

I have no problem with you sending him an angry email. The more he gets the more likely he is to wake up. He needs to see you angry. Respecting yourself. Because he can't respect you if you don't.

 

And I will reiterate: he's 'figuring things out' because you're letting him.

 

Have you seen a lawyer yet, just to know your options?

 

I just used online calculators to figure out the money part. His boss is a lawyer (bankruptcy), and a high school friend is a divorce lawyer too I'm just not ready to put my problems out there for people yet.

 

We can't even afford to get divorced

 

I just bolded some of the above. My WH used to give me all the same dribble and no action too until I was serious about leaving him (still am). Your WH is not doing ANY work. If he was he would be home and in therapy. I'm not buying it.

 

The "work" he's doing is trying to figure out if he wants to try again with us because supposedly he can't remember a time when we were happy and connected. So he says yes, we can work on rebuilding but what are we rebuilding because he can't remember it being good.

 

What the **** ever. I know we had good times, and I know this is the "Rewriting of history" that happens, but **** you man. like what the ****.

 

I'm decided that if he moves in with her, stays one ****ing night in that ****ing **** **** of a new ****ing apartment then I'm DONE.

[ShatteredLady]

Oh I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to say. It's just heart breaking. I know! You marry someone who you believe to be kind & sensitive only to discover they're also self indulgent & cruel. Ugh!!

 

 

I'm worried that you're having severe financial issues & you haven't received legal advise. You're filing for bankruptcy. How long has he been out of the house? There might be legal options to help YOU. Legally has he abandoned your family? I don't know answers. Maybe if you try just a free consultation with a lawyer from another town?

 

You know the old saying? "Hope for the best but always plan for the worse".

 

I'm a SAHM who sacrificed so much for my H's career & my family. It's easy for others to say "never allow yourself to become financially dependent on a man" (I even said that!!) but often life doesn't work like that!

 

I grew-up on a smallholding little family farm. It's so much work! It's a huge dream. I'm so very sorry that your dreams are being broken like this.

[aileD]

We were going to file BKR Anyway, regardless. That's what his law firm does so it won't cost us anything.

 

I might be financially dependent on him now because I'm not working but that's not why in staying. I know I could get a good chunk of child support and alimony and find a job to take care of me and the kids.

 

I can do it without him. I am just don't want to. I want the life we planned together since we were 17. We just built a freaking small cabin, a

Fulfilled a dream. It's just sad as I was looking forward to growing old with him. He's always picking out his gray hairs and being self conscious about his receding hairline but I loved those things because we were growing old together.

 

She stole that from me, or he gave it to her or some combination of those.

 

It's not fair that I put all the work in and someone else gets the results. It's like coming in first place on the Olympics and going to collect your medal and having them hand it to someone in the stands instead. Like working a job for 49 years and when you retire they give your pension to someone else. Like building a cabin with your bare hands that someone else might be calling their own.

 

It's just too sad. He just sent me a video from affair recovery about how pain changes you and you can either use it for positive changes or negative. I guess that's him trying to tell me to be positive while he continues to hurt me

[OneLov]

Ailed,

 

I feel like an insensitive jerk saying this but PLEASE TURN THE KEY.

 

You MUST accept some unpleasant facts:

 

1. He's incapable of being honest with you or anyone.

2. His actions are consistent with someone who is not making an effort to reconcile.

3. You're allowing yourself to become a martyr by standing by him.

 

You're hurting yourself. Please don't punish yourself like this.

 

I say this because you're giving him permission and the bat to bludgeon you. Why are you putting yourself in, not just vulnerable position, but an unhealthy one? The problem now is that the wounds are becoming self-inflicted indirectly.

 

I think every poster, including myself, can relate to how awful you feel and how hard it is to turn the key. But we are able to see the self-infliction and how it will make your pain exponentially worse when he doesn't live up to his end in terms of attempting reconciliation.

 

We want you to reconcile from a place of strength not weakness. Take your power back. Turn the key.

Edited August 17, 2016 by OneLov

[heartwhole]

It's just all kinds of effed up that he keeps visiting the Affair Recovery website and using it to manipulate you instead of using it to help himself. Dude, you are IN an affair. Ergo, you cannot recover from it.

 

I hope you'll reach out to your high school divorce attorney friend for some free advice. It's not hopeless. You are employable and entitled to alimony and child support.

 

And OW is NOT getting a reward. She's getting some sad, gray-hair plucking, bankrupt middle aged guy having a midlife crisis who is spending all day on AffairRecovery.com so he can win points by proving he's right to the woman he's abandoned and treated horribly. She's living in her car, unable to continue her schooling, and having conflict with her family. So, um, no, she's not winning.

 

I'm betting that when she matures a little more in a couple of years, she will wake up to the fact that she can do SO MUCH BETTER. You know who can't do better? Your WH. Not until he stops blaming everyone else for his bad choices and starts owning his own happiness. Not until he starts putting the kids he chose to bring into this world ahead of his need for instant gratification.

 

He doesn't even know if HE wants to try to reconcile? Then I would stop offering him that gracious gift.

 

Sometimes my WH, who of course struggles with self-esteem, will ask me if I still love him. And I say, well, I'm still here, aren't I? Isn't that proof of some pretty enduring love? And then he'll get excited and say, "Right! See? Me still being here is proof that I love you!"

 

And I stare him down and say, "No. It's the LEAST you could do. It's just proof that you're not a complete idiot." I'm not going to sit around thanking my lucky stars (or my WH) that my husband only cheated on me and lied to me and then didn't add deserting me to it. If he thinks *I'm* the lucky one in this scenario, then he's got another thing coming.

[OneLov]

***please recognize that filing a joint (because why would he need you to do anything if he was filing by himself) Ch. 7 (I'm assuming it's not a 13) prior to a divorce could be a huge red flag. PLEASE GO SEE AN ATTORNEY NOW.

Edited August 17, 2016 by OneLov

[Lobe]

You should be furious. And stay that way. Do the separation agreement, aileD. I swear to you it is the most effective tool you have at your disposal for forcing a reality check. Bring his bottom up and stop wallowing in his **** with him. I cannot believe he sent you a video about growing from pain to help YOU get over HIS affair? Bullsh*t. I'd be angry enough for both of us but that's not good enough - YOU need to be angry enough for yourself AND your kids. Stop f*cking around, stop letting him f*ck you around, draw your line in the sand, build a WALL on that line, and let him know where your boundaries are.

[wmacbride]

op,

people who have been through traumatic times can sometimes end up being very selfish, especially if he, like your ws, has no insight into why he is acting the way he is or just how hurtful he is being.

 

I was in a similar position to you in some ways, and it took me seeing a lawyer and also letting my former ws know that I was willing to end our marriage if things didn't change.

 

I think he needed that to fully realize what he was risking.

 

Seeing the lawyer gave me knowledge and ability to make informed choices about my future and my children's future. He was really helpful, and en of the the things he told me is that I had a very strong case and divorce shouldn't be a problem, but he recommended I talk to my ws, let him know I had sought legal advice. He explained that, in his experience, ws will often push their bs as far as they can, but once they see that the bs has hit the wall and is willing to "fight beck", they realize it is no game and not some sort of exercise. he also advised making a list of what I would need to reconcile, and tell my spouse I was giving him one more chance, and that if he wnated to reconcile, he would need ot be willing to do those thinsg. If nt, I was ready to divorce.

 

He also said I needed to give myself permission to let go if my ws wasn't willing to meet my list,and that doing so didn't mean I didn't love him or that I had failed. Rather, he said that it meant I had tried my best and was not going to allow him to treat me badly.

 

You indicated that you el you are a "fixer". That's a good thing, but how about you look after yourself now.

[OneLov]

Ailed,

 

What I can't understand is why does he treat you with such contempt? Please don't think I'm implying you did something or deserve it--no one, and I don't care how much of scumbag a person is, deserves to be treated like that. I only mention this because I've never read of a situation where a WS has displayed so much contempt for the BS. This makes me think could this be a situation of someone with borderline personality disorder.

Edited August 17, 2016 by OneLov

[aileD]

I haven't been innocent either. I have done things I'm not proud of (mostly to ruin her life). I've spewed mean things at him out of hurt and anger whatever.

 

He is not always like that. He's more the avoidance type. Like when you ask a question he won't give you a real answer. So you're left still not having the answer. ("Do you want beef or pasta for dinner?".....him: "ok I'm picking up some wine"......frustrating!)

 

What is BKR a red flag for? We would be doing this regardless, we have been talkin about it for awhile. It needs to happen.

 

I will talk to a lawyer if it's not resolved by sept 1st I guess.

 

The affair recovery thing he sent me made sense...wasn't a manipulative thing....just relevant to the fact that we argued this morning and me telling him I'm having a hard time today and hurting A lot. I don't think he went and searched it out because we are both on email alerts for that you tube channel and I got an email today that they had uploaded the video on pain. He probably just got the email too and felt it was relevant. Which it was. We both have found that website helpful. There's is stuff on there about being stuck between two people as well.

 

He did call me after work. Said that he just has to do this his way and every time he opens up and tells me what's going on, it blows up in his face (meaning I email her or throw something back at him or freak out or whatever) and he just needs to do what he has to do and that he's taking everything in, the things I say and write to him are not lost on him and he is sorry that that it's hard not having him here but if he's going to come back he needs to do things right so it lasts. That he's not talking to lawyers and he's not paying for apartments.

 

Whatever the hell that means. I'd like to think that means he has a plan to how he's ending things with her but also i feel like sometimes it's just throwing crumbs at me to make me hang on more.....through first of the month probably.

 

I hear what everyone is saying. I know, I think I'm just waiting to see what happens sept 1st. Sigh.

 

I'm very victimy, I know. It's not lost on me. I think I give great advice to others on this site and all your advice makes sense it's just so hard to pull the trigger when it's my own life and future

[ShatteredLady]

I do understand, I really do.

 

I'm not a lawyer. It's possible (just in case things go from bad to worse & he shacks-up with her) that you could be in a BETTER legal position with the bankruptcy, house, custody of the kids etc. if you talk to a lawyer now.

 

The first consultation is usually free. Why not?

[Steen719]

I just used online calculators to figure out the money part. His boss is a lawyer (bankruptcy), and a high school friend is a divorce lawyer too I'm just not ready to put my problems out there for people yet.

 

We can't even afford to get divorced

 

 

 

The "work" he's doing is trying to figure out if he wants to try again with us because supposedly he can't remember a time when we were happy and connected. So he says yes, we can work on rebuilding but what are we rebuilding because he can't remember it being good.

 

What the **** ever. I know we had good times, and I know this is the "Rewriting of history" that happens, but **** you man. like what the ****.

 

I'm decided that if he moves in with her, stays one ****ing night in that ****ing **** **** of a new ****ing apartment then I'm DONE.

 

So, when the last affair showed its ugly head in my marriage and I was busy being gaslighted by my then Husband, he said some things similar to this.

 

XH"I haven't been happy in 13 years". That was the first (well, not first, but a trend). "You won't forget the 1st affair 13 years ago"

 

ME: So, I said that was pretty interesting since I COULD NOT EVEN REMEMBER HER LAST NAME.

 

XH: Ok, so "I haven't been happy in 6 or 7 years".

 

Me: Well, so I sure wish you had told me this so I could have left you and not taken care of you through your life-threatening illness and gone into crushing debt for your care and not have to be the only one who was working.

 

XH: Well, I really haven't been happy the last year.

 

ME: Yeah, I would change it, too, because soon you will have been unhappy in our marriage before you knew me.

 

Then, one day, he accused me of being too high maintenance. What a freaking joke. I had not bought new clothes for me in forever. We didn't have money and had a son in college. I NEVER had my nails done, had cheap haircuts. I told him he might be trying to blame me just a little too hard and he said he guessed it wasn't true.

 

My point.....It is so easy to deflect fault for anyone, but a WW will go to any extremes to make you think it is your doing that the two of you are having problems. If you buy it, then you will constantly be trying to resolve those issues that are not yours.

 

My XH was so PISS*D when I just quit feeding into that. I essentially quit discussing anything like that with him. I would just say ok..yeah, yeah. Whatever you say. He just couldn't stand it that he couldn't put anything by me anymore.

 

I was not over any of it, by any means. However, I was not going to swallow all of those lies and attempts to blame me anymore.

 

Listen, when you are wrong, you should admit it. He has no integrity. He would rather blame his wife (and anything or anyone else) for his behavior. I am sorry for his past with the church. It is horrifying, disgusting and unthinkable. But many of us have had issues in our past, maybe not the same ones, but other things. That cannot be used as an excuse for unethical, dishonest behavior. If you accept that he is this way and that excuses it or explains it, you are doing him NO favors, you are doing your children NO favors and you are doing yourself NO favors.

 

I'm sorry for your pain; I know it is real.

[Mr. Lucky]

The affair recovery thing he sent me made sense...wasn't a manipulative thing....just relevant to the fact that we argued this morning and me telling him I'm having a hard time today and hurting A lot. I don't think he went and searched it out because we are both on email alerts for that you tube channel and I got an email today that they had uploaded the video on pain. He probably just got the email too and felt it was relevant. Which it was. We both have found that website helpful. There's is stuff on there about being stuck between two people as well.

 

He did call me after work. Said that he just has to do this his way and every time he opens up and tells me what's going on, it blows up in his face (meaning I email her or throw something back at him or freak out or whatever) and he just needs to do what he has to do and that he's taking everything in, the things I say and write to him are not lost on him and he is sorry that that it's hard not having him here but if he's going to come back he needs to do things right so it lasts. That he's not talking to lawyers and he's not paying for apartments.

 

When you have these types of discussions with him, you're offering him a validation of his behavior. It's as though the things he's doing will somehow make sense if he finds the right explanation or video - and you're going along with it.

 

You should limit any interaction with him to necessary discussion of kids and finances. Not only does this protect you sanity, it brings him closer to understanding cause and effect. Being with her means losing you, a message that has been diluted to this point...

 

Mr. Lucky

[heartwhole]

I haven't been innocent either. I have done things I'm not proud of (mostly to ruin her life). I've spewed mean things at him out of hurt and anger whatever.

 

....

 

He did call me after work. Said that he just has to do this his way and every time he opens up and tells me what's going on, it blows up in his face (meaning I email her or throw something back at him or freak out or whatever) and he just needs to do what he has to do and that he's taking everything in, the things I say and write to him are not lost on him and he is sorry that that it's hard not having him here but if he's going to come back he needs to do things right so it lasts. That he's not talking to lawyers and he's not paying for apartments.

 

These actions don't sound reasonable to me. I know you are acting out of a lot of pain and hurt, but just as I said about your husband, I'll say it to you -- somebody mistreating you is not an excuse to treat others badly.

 

I suggest you step back and take the next few weeks as time to focus on you. Find your center, remember the kind of person you were without all of this drama, volunteer with your free time to remember what's really important in life. Leave the manipulations and acts of spite in the past. Today is a new day.

[aileD]

Hi there, haven't updated in a few days, wasn't really much to say. We haven't been talking that much. I stopped being so eager to text him back when he texts me in the AM. He's up early for work and I've been staying up late till 3-4am, so I've been just shutting off my phone so when he texts me I don't get it until I wake up. There's been a little here and there about the BKR and the home depot fiasco below.

 

We had the roofing delivered for the cabin today, we had talked previously about going out there to work on it this weekend, but since Home Depot delivered the wrong size roofing, we obviously weren't going to go.

 

He asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner and a drink and to talk, so I did. I said to myself I wasn't going to talk about anything serious and just be happy and normal, and I did.

 

He did talk about how hot it was sleeping in the truck..He's been using his company credit card for gas, I asked him if his boss knew he said not yet. I said you know what she's going to say--- to go stay with her (no AP no me).

 

That got him starting to talk about this situation. How he can't just leave her out there alone, he cares about her, bla bla. Said that she got a really good apartment, the landlord is Jehovah Witness too (she doesn't know AP is yet),it was affordable ,etc. He's telling me how when they went to look it it the woman offered to buy a kayak holder for his kayaks, and I'm like "ummm...."....(I'm thinking first off if you're not moving in why do you need kayak holders and second the kayaks are for the kids, you're not taking them from our house). I didn't say anything and he did say that she went back to the landlord and told her it would just be her moving (after they talked last week and he said he was coming back to work on our marriage) and the landlord was fine with it but wanted to make sure she could pay for it on her own, which she can.

 

So, seems the assumption on their end is that he'll be coming home when she moves in to her new place (I didnt ask, didn't say anything). He said he feels good knowing that the landlord is JW, motherly and will be a good support for her...he said he feels like he's leaving her in a good position (as opposed to in her car). He also mentioned her parents went on vacation and took away her key so she couldn't stay there LOL. last year when they went on vaca, she invited him over to her parents house and I caught them red handed there. I told her mother and she was furious. So guess she's not trusted anymore lol.

 

He says it's hard for him, and he knows why it has to be done but the thought of never having her in his life again is very hard for him to handle emotionally. He's like it's not like a regular break up where you can still talk to them and check in and see how their life is going, it's out FOREVER. I just said, well if we're going to work on things then we need to be able to trust eachother...and I would never be able to do that with her in our life and if he can't do that then we won't be able to work on things. He said he realizes that.

 

Said he just loves her but can't see her in his life in reality. He can't see her at our cabin, he can't see doing the homesteading stuff with her...she's really not that type of girl. She's like the exact opposite of him, he's like a constitutionalist, prepper, hiking, wilderness, make fire from nothing type of guy....that's what we do...we camp, we hike, we work in the yard, etc. She is girlie girl, free spirit, literally like wanted to put glitter in his beard, (I saw her bed once it is literally huge and GLITTER colored). She's into makeup and clothes and expensive shoes, etc.

 

I didn't really say anything either way. I didn't want to get any hopes up because BTDT, I just said....well, this is probably good closure because in the past he's always sent an email and disappeared and she chases him down. Since she still is working under the assumption that there is an agreed upon ending date then maybe that will work out better.

 

He said he just wanted to talk to me because I've been "freaking out lately" and he wanted me to know there's no reason to.

 

So that's where it is. If he doesn't come home after she moves in (I'll give him a couple days leeway in my mind as he's got a pickup truck and I'm sure will be asked to help move)...but if it doesn't happen, I'll be filling out the separation agreement paperwork.

 

If he moves in with his boss, I don't know...will have to see how that goes. He would have to still be done with her and only living with his boss as a buffer between ending with her and coming home to me.

 

At this point, I think that would be good. I would feel weird sleeping next to him one night knowing he was sleeping next to her the night before.

Edited August 20, 2016 by aileD

[Mr. Lucky]

So that's where it is. If he doesn't come home after she moves in (I'll give him a couple days leeway in my mind as he's got a pickup truck and I'm sure will be asked to help move)...but if it doesn't happen, I'll be filling out the separation agreement paperwork.

 

After already living with her in varied habitats over the last year, what does this apartment represent that his complete dismissal of your marriage to this point doesn't?

 

After all he's done, why that particular future time and place ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

BTW - I noticed you've even given him a grace period, in case he gets "asked to help move" her.

Edited August 20, 2016 by Mr. Lucky

[ShatteredLady]

When my whole life turned to s**t I'll be the first to admit that I completely lost my mind. I was in total shock. I had blind faith that, after the first time, he would NEVER do anything like that to me again. He was my FAMILY. My lifelong best friend. "For better or worse". My love. My forever person.

 

One moment changed everything!

 

My reality was turned on its head. I couldn't believe that it was happening. I tried to find sanity in analyzing & making excuses for his behavior. I blamed myself! It's incredibly hard to be a people pleaser who can't even make the love of her life happy.

 

I hated myself. I fell into the abyss of self-loathing. He told me that I was a cripple, burden who was stealing his life, his desire for "Love, Romance & Adventure" from him. I believed him! I wanted to die. To be honest, my children & knowing the utter emotional devastation of loosing my brother to suicide was all that kept me alive.

 

 

THEN something liberating happened....I got bloody ANGRY!!!

 

We're 'reconciling' but now all of those words, the things you're quoting by him, all the really, really gut-wrenching, soul destroying stuff (that's almost numb a lot of the time at the moment for you) the awful things like her Mothers Day "To the VERY BEST mother in the world. ALL MY LOVE XXXX" start to boil through the haze.

 

To be honest if I were to file for divorce tomorrow it wouldn't be because he had 2 affairs, 12 years apart....It would because I got the 1/2 price LESSER VALUE bouquet of Mothers Day flowers!!! :lmao:

 

I think that his 'pity party' is going to be his 'Dig my own grave' party. You just don't know it yet.

When the storm clears. When the panic & agony no longer control your focus I just can't imagine anyone being able to live with what he's done/is doing to you & your children.

 

 

What happened in his first affair? When & how did it start? How long did it last? You know...the whole story? What kind of conversations did you have after & how long did it take for it not to be mentioned anymore?

 

We completely rugswept my H's first affair 12 years ago. It's like suddenly one day the nightmare was over & life continued. Then so very many life things happened, births, deaths. Excuses! We rugswept. It had been exhausting. I had nothing left.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I'd been different back then it would never of happened again.

[ShatteredLady]

"He's telling me how when they went to look it it the woman offered to buy a kayak holder for his kayaks, and I'm like "ummm...."....

 

So....How does the landlady know he's got Kayaks? More importantly, why does she assume he's moving in? He REALLY slipped there!

 

 

"I didn't say anything and he did say that she went back to the landlord and told her it would just be her moving"

 

So....Good save by him!!!

 

"the landlord was fine with it but wanted to make sure she could pay for it on her own...."

 

So....With all those quotes it's clear that they said that they were renting TOGETHER!! She had to inform her the plans had changed & it was just her & the joint income had changed.

 

"He said he feels good knowing that the landlord is JW, motherly and will be a good support for her...he said he feels like he's leaving her in a good position"

 

So....It's like he's talking about his DAUGHTER! Why does it surprise you that she likes glitter? She was 19-20 when they met!

 

 

"He also mentioned her parents went on vacation and took away her key so she couldn't stay there LOL. last year when they went on vaca, she invited him over to her parents house and I caught them red handed there. I told her mother and she was furious. So guess she's not trusted anymore lol."

 

I know that you're living a horrific nightmare. I truly don't know what I'd of been doing if I had been living your life for ALL this time. Its beyond words really. I say this very gently...You don't need the LOL's. I get that you told her mother (does he see you as the mean dragon who got his little distressed damsel homeless?) but you've indicated that you've said & done a lot of things. I don't know what they are & I truly understand the rage you feel.

 

At some point you will need to stop seeing her as the evil, controlling witch who's cast a spell on your poor sick husband....or maybe you don't yet. I don't know. I don't believe that you guys stand any chance at all of healing until HE takes all the blame for this utter cruelty & YOU hand it to him!!

[Steen719]

"He's telling me how when they went to look it it the woman offered to buy a kayak holder for his kayaks, and I'm like "ummm...."....

 

So....How does the landlady know he's got Kayaks? More importantly, why does she assume he's moving in? He REALLY slipped there!

 

 

"I didn't say anything and he did say that she went back to the landlord and told her it would just be her moving"

 

So....Good save by him!!!

 

"the landlord was fine with it but wanted to make sure she could pay for it on her own...."

 

So....With all those quotes it's clear that they said that they were renting TOGETHER!! She had to inform her the plans had changed & it was just her & the joint income had changed.

 

"He said he feels good knowing that the landlord is JW, motherly and will be a good support for her...he said he feels like he's leaving her in a good position"

 

So....It's like he's talking about his DAUGHTER! Why does it surprise you that she likes glitter? She was 19-20 when they met!

 

 

"He also mentioned her parents went on vacation and took away her key so she couldn't stay there LOL. last year when they went on vaca, she invited him over to her parents house and I caught them red handed there. I told her mother and she was furious. So guess she's not trusted anymore lol."

 

I know that you're living a horrific nightmare. I truly don't know what I'd of been doing if I had been living your life for ALL this time. Its beyond words really. I say this very gently...You don't need the LOL's. I get that you told her mother (does he see you as the mean dragon who got his little distressed damsel homeless?) but you've indicated that you've said & done a lot of things. I don't know what they are & I truly understand the rage you feel.

 

At some point you will need to stop seeing her as the evil, controlling witch who's cast a spell on your poor sick husband....or maybe you don't yet. I don't know. I don't believe that you guys stand any chance at all of healing until HE takes all the blame for this utter cruelty & YOU hand it to him!!

 

Good post, Shattered. It is just so hard to see her swallow his sh*t sandwich. Sad, sad, sad. This is not reconciliation. This is humiliation.

[cocorico]

 

 

 

 

That got him starting to talk about this situation. How he can't just leave her out there alone, he cares about her, bla bla. Said that she got a really good apartment, the landlord is Jehovah Witness too (she doesn't know AP is yet),it was affordable ,etc. He's telling me how when they went to look it it the woman offered to buy a kayak holder for his kayaks, and I'm like "ummm...."....(I'm thinking first off if you're not moving in why do you need kayak holders and second the kayaks are for the kids, you're not taking them from our house). I didn't say anything and he did say that she went back to the landlord and told her it would just be her moving (after they talked last week and he said he was coming back to work on our marriage) and the landlord was fine with it but wanted to make sure she could pay for it on her own, which she can.

 

So, seems the assumption on their end is that he'll be coming home when she moves in to her new place (I didnt ask, didn't say anything). He said he feels good knowing that the landlord is JW, motherly and will be a good support for her...he said he feels like he's leaving her in a good position (as opposed to in her car). He also mentioned her parents went on vacation and took away her key so she couldn't stay there LOL. last year when they went on vaca, she invited him over to her parents house and I caught them red handed there. I told her mother and she was furious. So guess she's not trusted anymore lol.

 

He says it's hard for him, and he knows why it has to be done but the thought of never having her in his life again is very hard for him to handle emotionally. He's like it's not like a regular break up where you can still talk to them and check in and see how their life is going, it's out FOREVER. I just said, well if we're going to work on things then we need to be able to trust eachother...and I would never be able to do that with her in our life and if he can't do that then we won't be able to work on things. He said he realizes that.

 

 

Ailed,

 

It's touching how much he obviously cares for her, and how you encourage this caring side of him to find expression... But don't you wish he cared for you, and your kids, even a fraction of how deeply he cares for her? His solicitous concern is laudable - but shouldn't it be addressed toward his kids, and you, rather than his latest conquest?

[amomwhoknows]

ailed

 

Do you have your own attorney? I am very concerned that the bankruptcy (regardless of having discussed it before the affair) may be jeopardizing you and your children's financial futures.

 

Cheaters lie. ALL THE TIME. He may be luring you into a terrible financial situation. He may not really be planning on leaving this girl.

 

You may be better off divorcing and having him take the debt. How will you not lose the cabin in bankruptcy? Is your house protected?

 

You need your own representation. You owe it to your kids and your self.

[anika99]

By reading your thread and reading the OW's thread it's pretty obvious that what your husband tells you and what he tells the OW are two very different things. The one thing you and the OW have in common is that you both believe him when neither of you should. He's telling you that he is going to dump her as soon as she moves into her apartment but I bet he's telling her something very different. He will keep this up as long as you both allow it.

[goodyblue]

"He's telling me how when they went to look it it the woman offered to buy a kayak holder for his kayaks, and I'm like "ummm...."....

 

So....How does the landlady know he's got Kayaks? More importantly, why does she assume he's moving in? He REALLY slipped there!

 

 

"I didn't say anything and he did say that she went back to the landlord and told her it would just be her moving"

 

So....Good save by him!!!

 

"the landlord was fine with it but wanted to make sure she could pay for it on her own...."

 

So....With all those quotes it's clear that they said that they were renting TOGETHER!! She had to inform her the plans had changed & it was just her & the joint income had changed.

 

"He said he feels good knowing that the landlord is JW, motherly and will be a good support for her...he said he feels like he's leaving her in a good position"

 

So....It's like he's talking about his DAUGHTER! Why does it surprise you that she likes glitter? She was 19-20 when they met!

 

 

"He also mentioned her parents went on vacation and took away her key so she couldn't stay there LOL. last year when they went on vaca, she invited him over to her parents house and I caught them red handed there. I told her mother and she was furious. So guess she's not trusted anymore lol."

 

I know that you're living a horrific nightmare. I truly don't know what I'd of been doing if I had been living your life for ALL this time. Its beyond words really. I say this very gently...You don't need the LOL's. I get that you told her mother (does he see you as the mean dragon who got his little distressed damsel homeless?) but you've indicated that you've said & done a lot of things. I don't know what they are & I truly understand the rage you feel.

 

At some point you will need to stop seeing her as the evil, controlling witch who's cast a spell on your poor sick husband....or maybe you don't yet. I don't know. I don't believe that you guys stand any chance at all of healing until HE takes all the blame for this utter cruelty & YOU hand it to him!!

 

I don't even blame the girlfriend, she is 20 for Christ's sake. This is all on him and the best thing OP could do is run. He doesn't love her.

[turnera]

I can't believe you're buying this stuff. And I would bet money that you will NOT file for separation or divorce, but will just wait...a little longer.

 

And even if he DOES come back, he will NEVER stop contacting her. She is the pretty, young hot, tight version that he gets to relive his youth with (sorry) and he will not be able to give that up. He COULD give that up - if he were about to lose you.

 

But since you're going out to eat with him and lapping up his words and saying nothing and giving him 'time' to even things out and even help her move...he now knows he can return to her any time he wants and you'll be fine with it, as long as you get part of him.

 

Sorry, but that's how male cheaters work. You've dug your own grave to be married to either a serial cheater or a man who has two wives for the rest of his life.