ladydesigner Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 . No one would let her stay if she was with him and vice versa. Plus none of our friends and family knew for the most part. Her parents disowned her and all her friends are JW and she got kicked out of that so technically no one is supposed to talk to her. Don't know, don't care, it's no comfortable sleeping in a car so good. I'm glad it wasn't a pleasant nights sleep. I'm glad there was humidity and 90 degree weather and mosquitoes and I'm glad I took the Camino grill and chairs and table and lantern and all the comforts out of the truck. To all the other replies..... Every situation is different is all I can say. I don't know if me and hubby will make it but right now we are being honest with each other about how we feel and are working on things. It s not all rainbows and butterflies but he's not bailing--we both know it will be a long process. Honesty is important. It's great that a lot of you BS won't "put up with" any AP talk or sh*t from your WS, and if that works for you. Hooray. But don't you wonder if he's holding anything back because he is afraid of setting you off? Do you want him to hold things back? Isn't that just causing more secrets in the marriage?...I think we are of the mindset to just get it all on the table so we can sort through it and deal with each piece together. This all depends... my reactions to that kind of honesty would probably still keep my conflict-avoidant WH in silence. I know him. I am not one to sit there and listen to someone miss their AP. That is disrespectful to ME. I had a RA I know what it is like to miss an AP and there is NO WAY I would want to even hear myself grovel like that. I read many of my WH's texts to MOW. They just about killed me, I will never be able to erase what I saw. While I have the TRUTH, it also tortures me to this day if I sit and think about it. If I actively heard my WH vocalize and confirm things I read... nah I just couldn't do it. Guess there is a point for me when it just becomes too much honesty and you know what? My mental health is WAY more important than my WH feeling heartbroken over an AP. IMO 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted August 29, 2016 Share Posted August 29, 2016 But don't you wonder if he's holding anything back because he is afraid of setting you off? Do you want him to hold things back? Isn't that just causing more secrets in the marriage?...I think we are of the mindset to just get it all on the table so we can sort through it and deal with each piece together. My WH absolutely holds back because he is afraid of seeing how hurt I am. It's not for my protection he keeps his mouth shut, it's for his own. My WH is still so afraid, so conflict avoidant, and over the years I have trained him that I am OK just working around his issues but at some point, he HAS to talk to me. I can't exist in a cone of silence forever. Sure, there's sure a thing as too much but there's also such a thing as not enough. I hope you can find a balance for you and your WH aileD, an when you do, share your secret lol 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 How goes the battle with you, aileD? Link to post Share on other sites
Author aileD Posted September 9, 2016 Author Share Posted September 9, 2016 (edited) Oh how goes the battle ...?...... It's not an easy battle that's for sure. But that said, it's been ok. There is definitely a lot of missing the AP....that sometimes makes him withdraw...but he is being open with me about it. And has not had any contact. We have moments where we fall back into the routine of life, but also moments where we talk about things. He gave up his phone to me today and had me put my fingerprint in it so that I wouldn't feel like he's hiding any contact. That was big for me because it wasn't something i demanded at first was definitely getting to the point of talking to him about. The fact he came to me first meant a lot and did a lot for me mentally. I don't know if anyone is familiar with the affair recovery website but there is a person there who does a lot of you tube videos on recovery. WS has listened to a lot of them and really they helped him in his journey.... Well I've reached out to him and he actually called Hubby today and had a nice talk. It helps to find mentors and people who have been thru the recovery process and come out on the other end better. We still struggle. Triggers (I hate that word) are real. Last night we went to an event together. It was near his work so I drove there and left my car in the parking lot. When he drove me back to get it, parking lot was empty except for a car that looked exactly like hers parked right hear his. I felt his hesitation when he saw it, the foot off the gas, the freak out inside as our conversation halted.... I didn't know what to say, it wasn't her car---wrong color...but I knew what he was thinking. I just said "did you freak out for a second?" He said yes, I said me too. We talked about why some people move towns or states after affairs. He admitted there are triggers everywhere around work for him. And since she once worked there too--her initials and memos are on accounts that he sees daily....He said that seems like a cop out to move away, that he need to really get over it...not just avoid it. That he need to really get thru it and not just be in denial or avoidance. Triggers for me too. I called the hospital recently to dispute a bill (AP related injury and the ER sewed up glass inside of me, I ended up having to have surgery to remove it and didn't feel I should have to pay ER fees when they caused me more surgery and pain), they said they'd refer it to(AP moms name) for review. I know she worked admin in the hospital but not that she was solely in charge of evaluating requests like mine. So...that was a trigger and I ended up saying forget it, I'd just pay the bill so I didn't bring that family back into our lives. Also got an alert for a texting app that AP was now signed up for it and did I want to start chatting with her. Haha. That one happened while I was on the phone with hubby. He's like just ignore it. I did . It's hard. It's not easy. But...that being said, I do feel like he's trying. We do talk a lot about the struggles we had together and the five stages of relationships and how we got stuck in the power struggle stage and how we can learn to communicate better and move forward. But we do get stuck in old patterns too. And it takes a day or two to process and get to where we can finally talk about it. His boss (i.e. Sister type relationship --she's gay) is going thru a sudden break up (due to an A) with her fiancé. She doesn't want to lose the relationship and has asked hubby what I did that helped him come back to me. So he's helping her and talking to her about what helped him come home and work on things. I don't know how he feels but I think it's helping him because he's realizing things and analyzing and all that. So. All I can say is "it's going OK". I mean it's two weeks in. (Three?). It's not going to be perfect. But the positives are that NC has been kept by both WS and xAP and that he's opened his phone, we are talking more about serious stuff and working towards therapy and mentoring and spiritual guidance. He does miss the AP but isn't talking about going back of wanting her in his life or NEEDING Her. It's more of a sad because of the breakup and loss of this person forever. But "forever" doesn't seem to be in question. It seems more like he's admitted to himself that it's truly over with AP and he's just grieving the breakup but with no desperation to get back together (he did that all the time in the past). So we have a long way to go for sure. We both know it. But we talk a lot about fidelity. And how no matter what happens we seems to maintain that fidelity. ...and what that means and how we can make it stronger. Kids are ok. Ehhh. Counseling is happening for sure though. Our son(13) felt awkward at first having hubby home. But he's settled in nicely and seems to start to being closer with hubby. Hugging him goodnight on his own. Daughter (16) is still pissed. Doesn't talk to him unless talked to. I've tried to talk to her. She is mad because she "had to be the man of the house" and "pick up all the broken pieces he left behind". It didn't help I cried in front of them. As she said "he wasn't there when I had to hold you as you cried because of what he did to you". We are giving her space. Told hubby not to push things with her, just to try to incorporate normal conversation. He's been trying and she's started to open up a little in regards to "what did you do today" type questions...giving more conversational answers rather than ignoring or giving one word answers. It will be a long slow process. It's good but it sucks at the same time. Recoverynis NOT easy . Especially so early on. But if you have two people that are committed, it's worth trying to put the effort in. Time will tell. I guess Edited September 9, 2016 by aileD 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 (((((((((((aileD))))))))))) Nope, reconciliation is not easy. Totally there with you on that one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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