anika99 Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 Okay, first of all either the OW in this story is posting on the OW/OM board ( remember the thread by the 21yr old living in her car with the MM) or this poster is the OW now posing as the BS (or vice versa). Given that in both threads the exact amount of $120/month was used in both threads it is suspicious. OP if you are the BS, lose this loser. If you are the OW, lose this loser. If you are posing as both the OW and the BS, grow up and stop playing games here, 11 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 Okay, first of all either the OW in this story is posting on the OW/OM board ( remember the thread by the 21yr old living in her car with the MM) or this poster is the OW now posing as the BS (or vice versa). Given that in both threads the exact amount of $120/month was used in both threads it is suspicious. OP if you are the BS, lose this loser. If you are the OW, lose this loser. If you are posing as both the OW and the BS, grow up and stop playing games here, Where was a dollar amount referenced in this thread? Post the link to the other thread... Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 Exactly what I was thinking! There are far too many similarities! If this is the bs & you are completely innocent in this look on the OW/OM forum & the other side of this story is being told. I'll give the benefit of doubt & say op it's worth reading that other thread just to see what's going through her head in this 'similar' situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 Where was a dollar amount referenced in this thread? Post the link to the other thread... Post #12. Here the OP says that the MM has seen his son but not his daughter and that's exactly what the OW said in her thread too. This is definitely the same story in both threads. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/589268-age-gap-affair-religion-parents 4 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 (edited) Okay, first of all either the OW in this story is posting on the OW/OM board ( remember the thread by the 21yr old living in her car with the MM) or this poster is the OW now posing as the BS (or vice versa). Given that in both threads the exact amount of $120/month was used in both threads it is suspicious. OP if you are the BS, lose this loser. If you are the OW, lose this loser. If you are posing as both the OW and the BS, grow up and stop playing games here, Ha. Nice catch. The poster(s) even uses the same, unusual staccato writing style. Edited August 1, 2016 by OneLov Link to post Share on other sites
Author aileD Posted August 1, 2016 Author Share Posted August 1, 2016 Ha. Nice catch. The poster(s) even uses the same, unusual staccato writing style. Noo! I'm the BS and I'm not posting as her but that is definitely her! I can't even get away from her when I try to do something for myself. I'm so mad. She is in every part of my life and I hate her. That's my husband. And she's a liar, the Straw that broke the camels back and finally made me ask for a divorce was that her mother posted pics on Facebook of their big happy family at a wedding this past weekend. The big happy family that she claims to have disowned her and doesn't talk to anymore and why she's living in her car. My husband is with her, and she DOES have options. She just won't use them because it helps keep him with her We did have a heart to heart this morning. I'm not even going to post it here. But he's not happy and feels trapped. I guess we will see what happens Link to post Share on other sites
Author aileD Posted August 1, 2016 Author Share Posted August 1, 2016 How can I delete this entire thread? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 How can I delete this entire thread? Op don't go.you need support Link to post Share on other sites
Author aileD Posted August 1, 2016 Author Share Posted August 1, 2016 Op don't go.you need support I just want to delete it. I don't need her knowing my personal stuff anymore then she already does Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 I just want to delete it. I don't need her knowing my personal stuff anymore then she already does If you are the BS then I totally understand that you don't want to post here anymore and why you don't feel like this is a safe place. There are other forums for dealing with infidelity. Do a google search and meanwhile read as much as you can on this board so that you can gather wisdom and support from people who have been in your shoes. You don't have to post, just read. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 If your husband recognizes that he's going through a HUGE midlife crisis AND that he's being completely manipulated he MUST go completely no contact with her & get himself into major therapy. I still don't know how you could take him back but people say that to me about my husband!! I know exactly what it's like to feel like you've spent a lifetime KNOWING someone who gets 'a bit depressed' & then you wake one day & they've completely lost the plot!! Don't write but do read. He's gone so very far I'm not sure that there can be a way back for him. Your children know that their FATHER is shacked-up with a little girl. That's going to cause some real damage. I hope that you're having open conversation & planning on therapy when you can get your finances together. Please don't feel like this has become some kind of competition that you must win. Why not walk away? You can do this! He's humiliating himself & devastating his family. He deserves to be miserable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 How can I delete this entire thread? Here's the official forum policy: 1. If your post or thread has responses, do not expect it to be deleted, ever. You can try to get yourself banned or yell at moderation or whatever, but it won't be deleted as long as it conforms to our guidelines and has responses. 2. If you want to edit out personal information you feel is detrimental to you socially, compromises your personal safety, or otherwise could be used by anonymous users to identify you in the real world, feel free to submit an edited version of that posting, via the alert us button on the post, and include an edited version of the post in a form that we can copy and paste into the original if we so choose. Personal information is names, dates, places, times, specific actions, ages, etc, etc. If you post a verbatim chat with another person and ask that LoveShack.org members analyze it, don't expect it to be deleted once analyzed (this is common!). The same goes with copying and pasting specific posts from other forums which may identify you. If you don't want it left here forever, don't post it. Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 I don't think the girl is coming back! She got a pretty hard talking-to on the other forum thread. You haven't really said anything that she doesn't already know! Most OW & most BS don't cross over & read each others forums....you just got lucky/unlucky that a couple of us who do did read & recognize your thread. I doubt that she will come here. Don't be worrying. Best wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aileD Posted August 1, 2016 Author Share Posted August 1, 2016 If your husband recognizes that he's going through a HUGE midlife crisis AND that he's being completely manipulated he MUST go completely no contact with her & get himself into major therapy. I still don't know how you could take him back but people say that to me about my husband!! I know exactly what it's like to feel like you've spent a lifetime KNOWING someone who gets 'a bit depressed' & then you wake one day & they've completely lost the plot!! Don't write but do read. He's gone so very far I'm not sure that there can be a way back for him. Your children know that their FATHER is shacked-up with a little girl. That's going to cause some real damage. I hope that you're having open conversation & planning on therapy when you can get your finances together. Please don't feel like this has become some kind of competition that you must win. Why not walk away? You can do this! He's humiliating himself & devastating his family. He deserves to be miserable. I struggle with this. I did promise to love my husband in sickness and health and I do believe he is sick. He has some extremely deep trauma in his past and I know that does not make it an excuse. However, the first infidelity incident was about 12 years ago (not 10 now that I think about it). You may remember the priest scandal of that time. That's all I'll say on that as I'm sure you get he point. however, we were going through a court case, lawyer meetings, police interviews and a trial bringing back all the trauma that was never dealt with. So I was devastated of course with two kids under 5. He did realize he was making a huge mistake and we tried counseling for a bit but he never did personal counseling He never cheated in these 12 years. This year- 12 years later- the man was paroled. Again, pressure of phone calls and letters from victim advocate detailing everything, cops in a different state trying to build another case and wanting WS to be involved, a dangerousness hearing that could have kept him in prison longer but the judge totally disregarded the psych review etc That on top of us growing distant over the last 8 years of me working overnight shifts. He does tend to find ways to "escape" from dealing with difficult things. There is addiction and suicide in his family, mostly alcohol and pills. Those things aren't my husbands addiction. Affection and feeling needed and wanted and attention are his addiction. And as you know, after 23 years together and kids...the romance and butterflies aren't as strong. The reason I've hung on is because I do see changes in him. He is going to personal counseling now. Up until I lost my job (insurance), we were going to discernment then marriage counseling even when he was staying with her. He reads every article I send him about overcoming infidelity, stopping the affair, why affair relationships don't last, why 20 year age difference relationships don't last etc. I feel like he is self destructing because he is not the father that doesn't talk to his kids. We did talk today and discussed some things that I won't post here for obvious reasons. But I feel like he is realizing what he is going to lose. I haven't been innocent. I have yelled, thrown stuff, damaged her car, showed up at hotels and made a scene, made an embarrassing scene outside her old apartment and embarrassed them in front her landlord. I flip out on my husband weekly. I just decided to not really talk to him this week and see how things go after our talk . I'll still post here and just edit myself for things I don't want t her to know. I read the other post and I'm glad that absolutely no one agrees with her and thinks she's making a huge mistake. It doesn't seem like she wanted to take the advice though since she hasn't replied ! Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted August 1, 2016 Share Posted August 1, 2016 Coincidence- I came here saying 10 years since his a but then remembered it was 12!! Ugh! Life goes by so fast & you think that you've recovered from something! Ugh!! (Mines the SAME OW though!) Don't go blaming yourself with work & distance. There's ALWAYS an excuse. After 26 years my WH didn't feel "special" enough...I was recovering from life saving surgery!! Please don't get me wrong. I do understand but are you sure that this is something that your FAMILY can recover from? My kids are only little & have no idea. Does your daughter even want him to come home? Is it true that your son was so upset that you had to take him to visit his Dad? I can't imagine going through everything that you are. I'm frequently accused of making excuses for my WH & I am!! Ugh! It's just so bloody hard after so much life & so much REAL love. Rainbows & butterflies don't last forever, everyday. That's marriage! I get what you're saying though. He clearly needs a LOT more therapy to deal with his ghosts but that's no excuse for everything that he's putting your family through. Stay strong! Once you have about 50 (??) posts you can private message other members. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aileD Posted August 2, 2016 Author Share Posted August 2, 2016 Coincidence- I came here saying 10 years since his a but then remembered it was 12!! Ugh! Life goes by so fast & you think that you've recovered from something! Ugh!! (Mines the SAME OW though!) Don't go blaming yourself with work & distance. There's ALWAYS an excuse. After 26 years my WH didn't feel "special" enough...I was recovering from life saving surgery!! Please don't get me wrong. I do understand but are you sure that this is something that your FAMILY can recover from? My kids are only little & have no idea. Does your daughter even want him to come home? Is it true that your son was so upset that you had to take him to visit his Dad? . First off I can't even imagine it being the same OW. I'm sorry. My husband's first OW is actually passed away about five years after he ended it. Drug overdose. Left behind a 3 year old. So she hasn't been thought ove in years and was never a threat. My daughter. Her and dad had a rough relationship to start with ever since she became a teen. They're the same person basically which is why they don't get along. She says she could care less but I know that's not really true. It will take a lot of therapy for both my kids. My husband gets his therapy paid for thru the archdiocese. Since I don't have a job right now and we don't have insurance, he is trying To get them to pay for the kids' counseling as well and maybe marriage counseling as well so hopefully will start once that gets figured out. Yes my son is taking it hard. I haven't been strong which I'm sure is hard on them. I cry a lot. My son and his dad were close. He misses him. But headstand occupies himself by playing xbox and watching tv, but cries at night sometimes. That he sits at his dad's desk because it's his desk. So then I told my husband my soon needed him and I took them to lunch. WS says he doesn't have enough money for gas to drive the 20-30 mins from work town to our town. He also says he needs to do this. He needs to go thru this and has to focus and whatever. I just tell the kids he's sick. That sometimes when bad things happen to you when you're little that it doesn't come out til you're much older and he just needs to figure himself out. But it's getting very hard yes. He is being very selfish right now with his needs. Thank you for your kindness Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 2, 2016 Share Posted August 2, 2016 you just got lucky/unlucky that a couple of us who do did read & recognize your thread. It's not that I don't want to read and post in the OM/OW forum, it's just that I can't. It makes me too crazy, I'd be banned within a day. Hats off to those that can handle it... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted August 2, 2016 Share Posted August 2, 2016 By aile The reason I've hung on is because I do see changes in him. He is going to personal counseling now. Up until I lost my job (insurance), we were going to discernment then marriage counseling even when he was staying with her. Sooner or later you will have to make a choice on these questions: How long can I hang on while the children are being damaged? How long can I hang on before I become a total door mat and not able to be of help for myself and my children? Your husband may have had a rough childhood but the bottom line is that you have to use logic not your emotions. You have been severely beaten down by your husband for years and you are too weak to hang on with hopes that he will get strong enough to help repair the damage that he has done to the children and yourself. I know that you do not want to face the fact that he is too damaged to help you. You need to get all sources (but not your husband) to help build you back up so you can help heal your children. This is a case of you or him making it but you will not make a better life for yourself by staying with him. You are desperately holding on to him because you are too dependent on him and afraid to go out on your own. IMO. Others can help you get strong enough! Your husband has proven for YEARS that he will choose his selfishness over you or his children. In addition, he has been severely damaged in his childhood years according to your posts. Your husband has not been able to get better in the last 12 years and still has the “extremely deep trauma in his past” that he has not dealt with. What do you think the chances of him recovering his self so that he is strong enough to help you and the children? If you believe that he is going to stop his selfishness and get strong enough, how many years do you think that will take? Do you have that many years before you crack? By aile He has some extremely deep trauma in his past He does tend to find ways to "escape" from dealing with difficult things Use your logic to look at the facts and do not let your emotions dictate, then decide what is best for you and your children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aileD Posted August 2, 2016 Author Share Posted August 2, 2016 Sooner or later you will have to make a choice on these questions: How long can I hang on while the children are being damaged? How long can I hang on before I become a total door mat and not able to be of help for myself and my children? Your husband may have had a rough childhood but the bottom line is that you have to use logic not your emotions. You have been severely beaten down by your husband for years and you are too weak to hang on with hopes that he will get strong enough to help repair the damage that he has done to the children and yourself. I know that you do not want to face the fact that he is too damaged to help you. You need to get all sources (but not your husband) to help build you back up so you can help heal your children. This is a case of you or him making it but you will not make a better life for yourself by staying with him. You are desperately holding on to him because you are too dependent on him and afraid to go out on your own. IMO. Others can help you get strong enough! Your husband has proven for YEARS that he will choose his selfishness over you or his children. In addition, he has been severely damaged in his childhood years according to your posts. Your husband has not been able to get better in the last 12 years and still has the “extremely deep trauma in his past” that he has not dealt with. What do you think the chances of him recovering his self so that he is strong enough to help you and the children? If you believe that he is going to stop his selfishness and get strong enough, how many years do you think that will take? Do you have that many years before you crack? Use your logic to look at the facts and do not let your emotions dictate, then decide what is best for you and your children. First off thank you for your insight. Some is probably most likely true. And I have (up until July) been going to IC to help with these parts (I will continue once I get insurance). I know how this is going to sound and I know it sounds awful but hear me out. My husband has only cheated on me twice --(yeah I know but listen)-- both of those times came at points in his life where he was immediately confronted and forced to deal with the extensive and brutal abuse he was subjected to as a child. His affairs are hurtful yes, but they are a symptom of something deeper that is wrong with him and how deeply he is wounded. We got over the first affair, and there was nothing until the most recent. 12 years. We may have not done recovery right. I will give us that. This time? If we recover? We have tools. The friggin internetwasnt as great as it is now. We both find stuff daily that helps us. Articles, videos, webinars etc. He is going to counseling---for the abuse for the first time in 25 years. I am going to counseling, the children will be. He is actually putting the steps forward to heal, do I give up on him NOW? I understand I have to watch out for my children. We have very open discussions about what happened to their dad and how some of that stuff is why he is the way he is and why he's not here right now. But that he's still their dad and he still loves them and when he can do better he will do better. I do struggle with the children aspect . I struggle with am I teaching them that it's ok for a spouse to do this, or am I teaching them that marriage can be hard but still worth it. Yes they see me cry. I don't know, I don't know what the right thing to do is. A divorce is not easy either on the children, they don't want their security ripped out from under them and their life to drastically change either. I'm just trying to do the best I can. Link to post Share on other sites
redbaron007 Posted August 2, 2016 Share Posted August 2, 2016 Post #12. Here the OP says that the MM has seen his son but not his daughter and that's exactly what the OW said in her thread too. This is definitely the same story in both threads. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/589268-age-gap-affair-religion-parents Good catch....you beat me to it. I made the connection when the $120 amount was mentioned. It's exactly the same amount the 20 yo OW mentioned in her post. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 2, 2016 Share Posted August 2, 2016 I've read a very similar post to this, except the young girl posted the story. It could be your husband she's talking about. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/589268-age-gap-affair-religion-parents Divorce him and move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole Posted August 2, 2016 Share Posted August 2, 2016 I'm so sorry you're in this position. And it's made more tricky by the fact that the OW seems to be here on LS. If I were you, I would continue seeking support here but be very vague about details. I can't tell you what to do. On another thread somebody suggested a Christian book by James Dobson about basically refusing to accept that your WS is leaving you and to love-bomb him until he comes back. I thought that was terrible advice, but if that's the route you want to take, maybe that book would help. I understand that you feel that your husband's abuse is a complicating factor. I do struggle with the children aspect . I struggle with am I teaching them that it's ok for a spouse to do this, or am I teaching them that marriage can be hard but still worth it. Yes they see me cry. I don't know, I don't know what the right thing to do is. A divorce is not easy either on the children, they don't want their security ripped out from under them and their life to drastically change either. I'm just trying to do the best I can. I completely understand. I would never have stuck around if it weren't for the children. Perhaps what you can do is give yourself (and him, if you want) a deadline for when you want the limbo to end. You have waited this long, and if you aren't ready to move forward with divorce, then you might as well wait a little longer. But having an end date might be helpful mentally so that you can start to prepare for the possibility that it just won't work out. The OW's story is a dumpster fire and I believe the chances of that relationship working out are slim to none. But are you willing to keep your marriage just because he was too damaged and the OW was too inexperienced to create a successful relationship? Is that something you can stomach? My husband didn't flip-flop, and the OW lives a gazillion miles away, but he did try to keep the door open to her by liking her social media for a few days after he supposedly went NC. Then when I found it was a PA rather than an EA, I remember feeling so confident that if he wasn't 100% in it with me, then fine, he could go be with her, because he clearly didn't deserve me. He just looked horrified and said, no, no, that's not what he wanted. If he had said, "OK, let me try this out," and then flip-flopped, I think he would have been flip-flopping to a closed door. Reconciliation is hard enough without the disrespect and confusion of all this flip-flopping. As for when your husband got so mad at you for saying the marriage was over, I'd say that he's reverted to a very juvenile way of feeling and thinking right now, and he desperately needs you to be the bad guy. Then he can convince himself that he's husband of the year but for some bizarre reason, you chose to divorce him anyway, so he might as well shack up with his adolescent girlfriend. So if it were me, mama wouldn't play that game! You still seem conflicted about the divorce so I would simply do nothing and let him be the one to file. If he can't get past his conflict avoidance and self-pity to take care of filing for divorce, then he doesn't deserve the "happily ever after" anyway. You don't have to be the designated grownup until you're ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 2, 2016 Share Posted August 2, 2016 So why is he getting all pissed? Do you think he'll regret this? Do you think he wants the divorce? He's pissed b/c he's starting to see that he cannot have his cake and eat it too. All selfish! He likes the arrangement where you let him have his affair, do what he wants and still have the comfort of a sham of a marriage. HE DOESN'T REGRET NOW...he may AFTER the divorce, but his time is long past. You are now enabling him and as a result, hurting yourself and your kids. To tell you the truth, I don't think he wants a divorce...I think he's frightened of the outcome, result of what would/could happen after a divorce. What he'll lose, etc. But mind you, he's thinking about himself. Not you or the kids. Get the divorce, if he regrets, too bad. BUT DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK. You've done and tried enough. Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole Posted August 2, 2016 Share Posted August 2, 2016 (edited) I would also like to add that having suffered abuse as a child is no excuse to mistreat, abandon, and abuse your family as an adult. You don't want your children to internalize that it's OK to act irresponsibly or harmfully as long as you have a "really good reason." Edited August 2, 2016 by heartwhole grammar 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted August 2, 2016 Share Posted August 2, 2016 By aile My husband has only cheated on me twice --(yeah I know but listen)-- both of those times came at points in his life where he was immediately confronted and forced to deal with the extensive and brutal abuse he was subjected to as a child. His affairs are hurtful yes, but they are a symptom of something deeper that is wrong with him and how deeply he is wounded. I do believe that your husband is deeply wounded and the person that did that to your husband should be drowned. Your husband is to be given all the help that is available to help him heal but the most important is the children and you. By aile He is going to counseling---for the abuse for the first time in 25 years. I am going to counseling, the children will be. He is actually putting the steps forward to heal, do I give up on him NOW? I understand I have to watch out for my children. We have very open discussions about what happened to their dad and how some of that stuff is why he is the way he is and why he's not here right now. But that he's still their dad and he still loves them and when he can do better he will do better. It maybe true that WHEN he gets better he will do better but he may not. The big questions are: 1 Do you want to take that chance that he will get better? 2 Do you want to take the chance that if he gets better he will do better? 3 Can your emotions and self-esteem keep from being shattered as you hold on to him? 4 LOGICALLY, are you and the chidden better of hoping he will get better; in other words are you better off with him or without him? Do not let emotions give you the answer. Allow your professionals counselors to help you with this. The above questions are a follow up to the questions below that you did not answer in my past post: How long can I hang on while the children are being damaged? How long can I hang on before I become a total door mat and not able to be of help for myself and my children? What do you think the chances of him recovering his self so that he is strong enough to help you and the children? If you believe that he is going to stop his selfishness and get strong enough, how many years do you think that will take? Do you have that many years before you crack? Link to post Share on other sites
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