Wish me luck [updated from 'not sure what's going on']

[ShatteredLady]

Please let us know what you chose to do & how it went today?

 

Has she been trying to contact him? Are you sure that they haven't found another way to keep in touch?

 

Best wishes.

[turnera]

T

It all just makes me too sad, I don't even want to go but I have no choice.

Why is that? Why don't you have a choice?

[Jersey born raised]

Hi AileD,

 

Marriage is an equal partner relationship. A healthy marriage is symbiotic not parasitic. It must allow for mutual support and self growth.

 

Your marriage to him is a blessing for him. You amaze me with your compassion and resolve. But there are two side in every marriage.

 

How has he help you grow? How is the marriage symbiotic for your growth? At what point does the marriage stop being a marriage and becomes a mother and child relationship?

 

You need to mediated on these questions long and hard. The end result here cannot be a check list of things he will not do again, and things he will do to help himself with your support. That is a mother \ child relationship. Going forward the reconcilation process must include how he will help both you and the children heal and grow.

 

Ask yourself this: Am I caretaker personality? How extreme if so? While it has help others, at what cost and benefits to you?

 

You are away so you will not see it before speaking. Remember reconcilation is a process that is consideration to remain married not a commintment to do so.

 

Be well

[turnera]

Aile, have you looked at the material at marriagebuilders.com about how to stop an affair? It's very detailed and helpful and QUITE effective, IMO. Just stay away from their forum; it's poison (just trust me on this).

 

But the basic tenets for stopping an affair are pretty spot on: you demand they stop, if they don't you expose, if they still don't stop you go No Contact on them, if they still don't stop you go Pitch Black on them, and then they are forced to REALLY make a decision.

 

The reason he got mad at you for filing, or saying you were filing, is that in his drug-addicted brain, you're supposed to be his backup plan. You're his wife; you've always supported him. So support him now. Except by supporting him, and waiting for him, you are TELLING him that you're not going anywhere, and he can do whatever the hell he wants cos you're sitting by the bedside table, waiting for that phone to ring so you can run to him. In reality, of course, you're trying to NOT do that, but it still looks like it to him.

 

You'll learn there to set up a concrete list of Must-Do's that you would have to see before allowing him back in your life.

 

I asked you on your other thread why you 'have' to be there this weekend. Just so you can help the people helping you put up a roof?

 

No.

 

That implies that you are still waiting for him to sow his wild oats.

 

I know you're there, but I really hope you didn't go.

 

When men cheat, the ONLY way I've ever seen, in 20 years of giving forum advice, that the men stop cheating is when they see their wife FED UP, valuing herself too much to keep waiting, taking strong SWIFT action, and COMPLETELY removing herself from his grasp so that he has to see what it really feels like to lose her once and for all.

 

You've made sputtering starts to this, but you're still not there - not by a mile.

Edited August 7, 2016 by turnera
spelling

[aileD]

I had to go becsuse I made a commitment to be there. I made a commitment to cook. To feed the people that so generously gave their time and hard work to help me and the husband they have no idea is GONe build our cabin. And I didn't feel like Dealing with telling anyone either

 

Unlike my husband I honor my commitments.

 

 

How did it go? Well I'm home .

 

I drew the line in the sand. I'm out of his life unless she's gone.

 

Done.

Edited August 7, 2016 by aileD

[BluesPower]

So I guess you are saying that you went and made it out alive. Well good for you I guess?????

 

I am trying to sort through your posts, and I am a little confused. You know that he had an affair, the relationship is basically over and you have not told anyone?

 

Is this correct?

[anika99]

I have some questions.

 

First off in your last thread you said your husband broke it off with the OW and went no contact with her. You also said you have not allowed him back in the house. Given that he was living in a truck with the OW, I'm curious to know where he is staying now and why you believe he is not in contact with the OW?

 

I'm also wondering why you are assisting your husband by keeping his dirty secrets for him? Do you think it was entirely fair to allow people to generously donate their time and work to a project for you and your husband when you both know the circumstances? Maybe I'm wrong but I got the impression that the people working on that cabin were doing so under the impression that they were helping their happily married friends build something that they could both enjoy for many years to come. If they knew that their happily married friends are not even living together and on the brink of divorce they may have thought their time could be better spent somewhere else. It's not fair to have others helping you out under false pretences. Also since your husband's mind has taken a vacation to lala land I think letting friends and family know what is going on may help your husband return to reality. I'm not saying you should sing it from the rooftops but I do think you should let the people closest to you know. They will be a source of support for you and a voice of reason for your husband.

[aileD]

I have some questions.

 

First off in your last thread you said your husband broke it off with the OW and went no contact with her. You also said you have not allowed him back in the house. Given that he was living in a truck with the OW, I'm curious to know where he is staying now and why you believe he is not in contact with the OW?

 

I'm also wondering why you are assisting your husband by keeping his dirty secrets for him? Do you think it was entirely fair to allow people to generously donate their time and work to a project for you and your husband when you both know the circumstances? Maybe I'm wrong but I got the impression that the people working on that cabin were doing so under the impression that they were helping their happily married friends build something that they could both enjoy for many years to come. If they knew that their happily married friends are not even living together and on the brink of divorce they may have thought their time could be better spent somewhere else. It's not fair to have others helping you out under false pretences. Also since your husband's mind has taken a vacation to lala land I think letting friends and family know what is going on may help your husband return to reality. I'm not saying you should sing it from the rooftops but I do think you should let the people closest to you know. They will be a source of support for you and a voice of reason for your husband.

 

Apparently it's too hard for him to stop seeing her so he didn't. He's probably still in his car. He doesn't like my boundaries because they don't fit with his narcissism.

 

I'm not ready to tell people for purely selfish reasons. I don't like pity I don't want to be the center of attention I don't want judgement I just want to be left alone. Plus it's no ones business. If and when se actually go thru with a divorce then I'll make it public.

 

There is more to the cabin that I don't want to say here but I didn't just use my friends.

 

I'm really pissed right now. And I can't think clearly

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so very sorry that he's betrayed you yet again. I know that he has some serious childhood issues but are you ready to throw the towel in now? I fear this could destroy you if you carry on.

 

Love your children. File for divorce. Focus on YOU & your family. You & your kids. If he comes sniveling back at some point you can reasses if you choose to. I think you need to protect what's lift of your dignity & pride. He's being truly pathetic.

 

Let him sink & hit rock bottom. There's nothing you can do & sticking around while he's shacked-up with a manipulative little girl in his truck must be torture for you. Take back your power. Dump him hard. It's the last thing that could wake him up.

 

Does his extended family know what he's doing to his family?

 

I'm so sorry.

[BetrayedH]

Apparently it's too hard for him to stop seeing her so he didn't. He's probably still in his car. He doesn't like my boundaries because they don't fit with his narcissism.

 

I'm not ready to tell people for purely selfish reasons. I don't like pity I don't want to be the center of attention I don't want judgement I just want to be left alone. Plus it's no ones business. If and when se actually go thru with a divorce then I'll make it public.

 

There is more to the cabin that I don't want to say here but I didn't just use my friends.

 

I'm really pissed right now. And I can't think clearly

 

Stay pissed; use it as motivation.

 

I like this talk about your boundaries. Keep on that train of thought.

[whichwayisup]

You're incredibly strong and you're the bigger person in this awful situation. This is your (soon to be ex) husband's loss. Not yours. I know it hurts and this wasn't what you ever thought would happen.

[aileD]

your (soon to be ex) husband

 

This just made be burst into tears. I don't even want to think about that, I dont want this.

 

I wish it could all just work out.

Edited August 8, 2016 by aileD
Typo

[Mr. Lucky]

I wish it could all just work out. ����

 

At some point you'll accept that, for him, the present situation is having it "work out". He's made his choice and has done so clearly knowing the damage it's causing.

 

PLan accordingly ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LifesontheUp]

aileD

 

Been reading your posts and feel for you. Things are very complicated I get that. In fact, they were with me too having been with my xH for 18 yrs.

 

I thought that I would never ever get over what my ex did, that I would never ever survive on my own, I'd been with him since I was young and didn't know any different.

 

Sometimes, it takes a while to realise that the husband you love so much is the truly selfish ***hole he is and that there isn't anything worth saving. I hope that you get to that stage at some point and realise that his treatment of you is and has been disgusting and that even if you got back together, he could do it at any point again in the future.

 

Sending you cyber hugs and sincerely hope that you get to the point you realise you are worth more than this

[Miss Clavel]

yes a separation agreement is a good idea. I can look into that.

 

Also I haven't just put my head into the sand. I know my options, I have a lawyer friend and we have talked about things and struggles and cost and what'd it really be like, etc etc etc.

 

I've done my research, I'm a strong person. I just believe in marriage. I believe in not giving up when the reasons are deeper than just whats on the surface. I've loved this man since I was 17 and even before then we knew each other. I have seen all the crap he's gone thru in his life. The Trauma I talk of is the worst of just like FIVE different crappy things that can happen to someone...Like an alcoholic mother, foster care, and being abandoned by your father for a new family. I do sympathise with him, he has been REALLY good at pushing all that stuff down, becoming successful, driven, etc. He is clearly having a breakdown and I don't feel right just saying "well eff it, you're too effed up for me". I'll try to help him as best I can, and it seems like he's doing the work and getting into the healing so why would I write him off now? I would never forgive myself. What if he can get past this, heal HIMSELF and we are able to restore our relationship? When there is a chance of that I will fight for my relationship, it's just how I am.... if he can't push thru this, then there is no choice and I understand that.

 

why not move this thread to the marriage/rebuilding/second chances section? clearly you want to rebuild and you are willing to give second and third chances.

 

if they can't move the thread or you don't want to, why not start a new thread about "rebuilding".

 

you seem to have moved passed "infidelity".

 

perhaps you might want to look into a 12 step program for all three of you.

 

they have meetings for incest survivors, alkies, enablers and just about everything else.

 

all of these 12 step programs are founded on the premise that one has to fix/face their own issues.

 

you husband has huge emotional issues. i have no idea where they started or how they came about. i do know thousands of people have gone thru unimaginable abuse, suffering and pain in their lives and come out the other side. because they learned to cope, for themselves.

 

when he has a desire to stop doing what he's doing, he will.

 

 

 

they only thing standing in his way is you.

 

 

 

good luck

Edited August 8, 2016 by Miss Clavel

[Lobe]

This just made be burst into tears. I don't even want to think about that, I dont want this.

 

I wish it could all just work out.

 

Don't waste your time wishing and hoping - just get your divorce papers started. The healing is often in the work - you will feel empowered, despite your grief. Whenever you feel yourself slipping back into the "pick me" dance, remember the anger you feel. That will give you the strength you need to soldier on.

[aileD]

He sent me a message today that he feels like an outcast. That the kids seem to be "about done" with him and he's sad.

 

I told him what did he expect? He now has to live with and deal with the consequences of his actions and his addiction to her.

 

This is all just too sad.

 

I know I have to get things moving but I'm frozen.

[understand50]

He sent me a message today that he feels like an outcast. That the kids seem to be "about done" with him and he's sad.

 

I told him what did he expect? He now has to live with and deal with the consequences of his actions and his addiction to her.

 

This is all just too sad.

 

I know I have to get things moving but I'm frozen.

 

AileD,

 

Just answered your other post. I would tell your WH, that he worked hard for this outcome. This is just the beginning. Kids can tell that "daddy" is hurting mom, and for really selfless reasons. They will always love him to some extent, but they will never respect him again. They will be lost to him, and that may not be such a bad thing. He is no example of honor, and as a good father or husband. His pain is just beginning.

 

I wish you luck.....

[ShatteredLady]

I know that we often describe affairs as "addictions" here but for some reason it makes my heart sink when I read it from you. It sounds like another excuse.

 

I don't mean that in a harsh way. As I've said before, I truly understand your feelings. I blamed my H's abusive behavior & adultery on a mental breakdown & medications! I still do to a certain extent.

 

 

Your story is one of the worst, most heart breaking I've read. It's because you haven't had a d-day, promises of stopping & NC, at least some attempt to rugsweep....He's so blatant & so incredibly self indulgent!!

 

He stays in contact with you. Crying & mourning about his predicament, his childhood, her manipulation, his addiction. Poor, poor baby!! No!! This is bollocks!! He doesn't get to shag a 21 year old AND have you & his kids. It CAN'T work like that!!

 

Yes, he was abused & hurt in an awful way as a child BUT he's not a child anymore. NOTHING justifies his actions. NOTHING!! Why does he get to abuse you & your children AND get understanding & compassion? No!!

 

Please stop this! Your children NEED to see consequences for him. You are now allowing him to do this. Blatantly do this! He's addicted?!?!? He's pathetic!!!

[ladydesigner]

AileD,

 

Just answered your other post. I would tell your WH, that he worked hard for this outcome. This is just the beginning. Kids can tell that "daddy" is hurting mom, and for really selfless reasons. They will always love him to some extent, but they will never respect him again. They will be lost to him, and that may not be such a bad thing. He is no example of honor, and as a good father or husband. His pain is just beginning.

 

I wish you luck.....

 

It never seems to quite go away either. Both my kids love their dad, as they should, but they don't tend to look up to him too much or value what he has to say. I don't think the pain from infidelity ever goes completely away, especially those of us with an unremorseful spouse.

[aileD]

It's just incredibly sad.

 

I have not really contacted him. He sent me some excerpts from articles today. About childhood sex abuse and how it can play out in adult relationships.

 

Finally, early sexual experience and permissiveness may leave some with negative identity messages. If they come to believe their value is based in their sexuality, then they may crave constant validation from others. For this type of personality a single person could never provide all the needed validation. They need a never-ending supply of attention to affirm their worthiness. In their mind, an affair partner provides this validation.

 

And yes I can totally see this in him and have been saying it for so long. Also sent me some stuff about abandoned children (he was twice) said he's a mess realizing all this stuff really did affect his views and our marriage. No, it's not an excuse to cheat. I do understand that. But for me, I am happy that he is finally finally digging deep and wanting to heal himself from his past hurts. Even if we don't stay together, this is so important and I love this man and I can see since I was 17 how he's been affected....so to see him doing work now makes me happy....even though it's coming about like this.

 

As far as addiction. I think addiction does have something to do with it. The way he talks about her. The high he gets being with her and the extreme low he gets when he's not with her....it's not normal. It's not normal to feel like you're going to die without someone. He clearly goes thru withdrawal. . Also his family has a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts so he does have an addictive personality. He has said he wants to leave every day and just can't pull himself away.

 

That said, I know it's not an excuse. And it's not the only reason he stays, I'm weak and I know that enables him. Read somewhere that he won't really make a decision until the "pain of the situation outweighs the pleasure he gets from her. "

 

So I'm trying to be stronger. He's starting to feel the pain with the kids. I'm not communicating as I did before....

 

Like someone said in another post, I hope this affair is just a speedbump and not a roadblock in our story.....but I realize I will probably have to call it quits now if we ever will have any chance in the future.

 

I know everyone can put labels on him and he fits a lots of those affair labels. But he's not a completely uncaring and purposely hurtful person.

 

Im just doing my best.

[ShatteredLady]

Filing for divorce & handing him the papers DOES NOT mean that you have to divorce. I really think he needs a swift kick to the head (figuratively. There's a word for this. A hard hit that changes your reality?) so as you say, the pain & consequences out weigh the pleasure.

 

I think the reality of loosing YOU will hit him harder than loosing her. Know what I mean?

 

I'd send him the papers & go silent on him for a few weeks. Make him realize that he can't use you for the emotional & intellectual support. As long as he can analyze himself & lean on you he can continue to play this "I can't help myself. I'm so screwed-up & lost. I'm addicted to her" game.

 

He's a grown man. At some point he has to realize how much he is damaging his children. Do you want to visit your grandchild in the back of a car because your son or daughter are so screwed-up because of what their FATHER did to them?

 

If for nothing else, for HIS SAKE & YOUR CHILDREN this crap has to stop! You can't carry-on like this. You're going to loose your mind!! I can only imagine the agony that you're living with. You've already lost your job (she said this. Is it true?) I can completely understand this. This must be damaging your health!! Stress causes so much damage to your body & mind. I know this!!

[MuddyFootprints]

A meme something to the effect of: he played the victim so hard he started carrying chalk around to outline his body, came across my fb page this week.

 

Oh, could I identify!

 

Don't let him pull that poor me crap on you and your family.

[heartwhole]

A lot of us who are counseling you are in reconciliation or have tried to reconcile, so know that we don't view your husband as completely irredeemable or worthless. We're simply getting angry on your behalf because you don't seem to be.

 

It's just ridiculous that the man would complain to YOU about feeling like an outcast. Cue the world's tiniest violin . . . He's really, really clueless. Then he sends you articles about how his childhood abuse turned him into a cheater. See, he's giving you crumbs to hold on to while he stays with HER.

 

The childhood trauma you really need to be worrying about right now is your own children's. What is all of this teaching them? Being able to understand why your husband struggles today is not the same thing as accepting it. And you are accepting his abuse, his betrayal, his abandonment, his wishy-washiness, and your children lack not one stable parent right now, but two. You can't fix him. You can't outlast OW so you can claim your prize. You can only deal with the hand you have been dealt right this second. And right this second you have been abandoned by an extremely dysfunctional and blinded man. You have not been asked to reconcile. You have not been promised change. You have not witnessed him end it with OW. You are acting like you have a shot at reconciliation, but only on the basis that you wish it was so.

 

I'm really sorry AlieD, I really am. Keep putting one foot in front of another. Keep being a little stronger each day. Be a Mama Bear for those kids. It's his job to worry about his relationship with them; it's your job to worry about yours.

[Mr. Lucky]

But he's not a completely uncaring and purposely hurtful person.

 

You touch on an important point most BS deal with sooner or later - does intent matter? Is there a difference between a hurtful person and a "purposely" hurtful person?

 

My ultimate answer was - don't know, don't care. The damage was the same regardless, that was what mattered to me.

 

Whether your husband is a bad guy or a good guy doing bad things, he's still tearing your marriage, your life and your family apart. That should be your focus...

 

Mr. Lucky