Wish me luck [updated from 'not sure what's going on']

[OneLov]

Whatever you do: Do not communicate to him, in any way shape or form, verbally or nonverbally, that you are unsure of "how much being alone (you) can handle." IMO, that would result in pushing him further away.

[aileD]

I've been trying to hold off this week on talking to him too much.

 

I know we will be spending the weekend together so I hope we can talk then.

[Mr Blunt]

I'm just tying my best. I do love him. I don't want to give up yet.

 

He is a lucky man....make sure that you take care of yourself as your children need you and your children cannot depend on your husband....your children will always be your children but your husband may not always be your husband.

[aileD]

Tomorrow I drive out to western part of the state to work on the cabin that me and WS have been building. It's going to be the first time I've seen him in awhile.

 

I'm very shaky and emotional. This was planned before he left and we will be around people that don't know anything.

 

I don't know how I'm going to hold it together.

 

Planning on camping in the finished part of the cabin and don't know how I can even think about being there in this place I'm building and putting my heart into when it might not even be someplace I can ever be. A place that SHE might be sleeping in instead.

 

It all just makes me too sad, I don't even want to go but I have no choice. WS is still not home, I haven't asked him about her or if he's still seeing her and I don't know where we are.

 

I just want to hide away and cry.

Edited August 6, 2016 by aileD
Typos

[ShatteredLady]

For the love of!!!!! Bloody Hell!!! What the **** are you doing?????

 

S**t you're so like me!

 

You don't need to do this. You will end-up holding so much excruciating, resentment. Please don't ask me how I know!

 

I STILL believe that my H was having a nervous break when he started his A with her over 12 YEARS ago. I STILL believe that taking prescription antidepressants this time (AND 12 years ago) played a part in his behavior.

 

Don't we have to wake-up one day & admit that we enable their behaviors & stop them emotionally maturing?

 

For some it's wonderful to spend all of your lives together....for others? Not so much! Nature/nurture. The latest 'science' says its 50/50. If we've lived together through our formative years aren't we at least a bit responsible for their behaviors?

 

 

I'm just thinking out loud. Hasn't been a great week! I might argue with everything I've just said next week!!

[ChickiePops]

He left you. He's no longer your wandering spouse..he's your ex. And you really and truly do have a choice. The one you're making is the wrong one.

[wmacbride]

I struggle with this. I did promise to love my husband in sickness and health and I do believe he is sick. He has some extremely deep trauma in his past and I know that does not make it an excuse. However, the first infidelity incident was about 12 years ago (not 10 now that I think about it). You may remember the priest scandal of that time. That's all I'll say on that as I'm sure you get he point. however, we were going through a court case, lawyer meetings, police interviews and a trial bringing back all the trauma that was never dealt with.

 

So I was devastated of course with two kids under 5. He did realize he was making a huge mistake and we tried counseling for a bit but he never did personal counseling

 

He never cheated in these 12 years.

 

This year- 12 years later- the man was paroled. Again, pressure of phone calls and letters from victim advocate detailing everything, cops in a different state trying to build another case and wanting WS to be involved, a dangerousness hearing that could have kept him in prison longer but the judge totally disregarded the psych review etc

 

That on top of us growing distant over the last 8 years of me working overnight shifts.

 

He does tend to find ways to "escape" from dealing with difficult things. There is addiction and suicide in his family, mostly alcohol and pills. Those things aren't my husbands addiction. Affection and feeling needed and wanted and attention are his addiction. And as you know, after 23 years together and kids...the romance and butterflies aren't as strong.

 

The reason I've hung on is because I do see changes in him. He is going to personal counseling now. Up until I lost my job (insurance), we were going to discernment then marriage counseling even when he was staying with her.

 

He reads every article I send him about overcoming infidelity, stopping the affair, why affair relationships don't last, why 20 year age difference relationships don't last etc.

 

I feel like he is self destructing because he is not the father that doesn't talk to his kids. We did talk today and discussed some things that I won't post here for obvious reasons. But I feel like he is realizing what he is going to lose.

 

I haven't been innocent. I have yelled, thrown stuff, damaged her car, showed up at hotels and made a scene, made an embarrassing scene outside her old apartment and embarrassed them in front her landlord. I flip out on my husband weekly. I just decided to not really talk to him this week and see how things go after our talk .

 

I'll still post here and just edit myself for things I don't want t her to know. I read the other post and I'm glad that absolutely no one agrees with her and thinks she's making a huge mistake. It doesn't seem like she wanted to take the advice though since she hasn't replied !

 

OP,

My spouse cheated while he was suffering form trauma as well ( combat PTSD). I'd see a chnage in nim, but didn't know it for what it was. He went from a positive and happy guy who was devoted to his fmaily to a shell of himslef who was depressed, acting strangely and even considering self harm.

 

Yes, he was going through hell, and I supported him through that. I supported him through that when he was in a place where he was ready to admit he had a problem and accept that support. As much as I wnated to, I could fix him and make him whole again. he had to do that for himself, and be in a place where he was ready to do so. n essence, he had to hit rock bottom, and for him, the A was just that.

 

Your spouse needs to do that too, and he is not ready.

 

I will say this to you, and I hope you hear it, because it is a lesson that is a really hard one for a loving spouse to learn.

 

You can't fix him if he is not ready to admit he has a problem

 

All the love and support in the world from you can't make him whole again. He has to want help, he has to accept help and he has to be willing to do the hard work it will take. That may never happen.

 

If he is not at that point, it doesn't make him a bad man, but it does make him a bad husband. It's hard and painful work to come back from significant trauma, and some are not able to face that. Again, that doesn't make him a bad person, but it does mean that he is not good husband material. Until he is ready to work on himslef, you will never be able to trust him or depend on him,and that is no way to live your life.

 

Yes, what happened to him was terrible, but he has no business visiting that on your had or the heads of his children. Right now, he is not in a pace in his mind where he can stop doing so, so you have to step in and protect yourself and your children. Focus on that for now. Focus on healing yourself from your ws treatment of you so you can be the best mom you can be. Take steps to show them that healing is possible, and that you can use it to become a strong person. Get some counseling for yourself, and think of this as a new chapter in your life with blank pages ready to be filled with good experiences, fun and maybe some heartache, but it's all part of you learning and growing.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

eta: I stayed with my spouse because he was willing to face his demons and work really hard to come back from them. It wasn't easy, and not everyone can do it. If he hadn't been willing to do so, I would have divorced, because I couldn't stay with someone who I couldn't trust long term. Sure, he might have seemed fine for a while, but what would happen the net time he felt overwhelmed and like he was drowning?

Edited August 6, 2016 by wmacbride

[bubbaganoosh]

Why go? Although if it was me, when I got there I would ask him which half of the cabin is his and which half is yours.

[TunaCat]

You do have a choice. You can choose not to go. There is no way in hell I'd be doing this. Who cares if he's not home. It's not worth your mental & emotional well-being to go to this cabin.

[ShatteredLady]

Please let us know what you chose to do & how it went today?

 

Has she been trying to contact him? Are you sure that they haven't found another way to keep in touch?

 

Best wishes.

[turnera]

T

It all just makes me too sad, I don't even want to go but I have no choice.

Why is that? Why don't you have a choice?

[Jersey born raised]

Hi AileD,

 

Marriage is an equal partner relationship. A healthy marriage is symbiotic not parasitic. It must allow for mutual support and self growth.

 

Your marriage to him is a blessing for him. You amaze me with your compassion and resolve. But there are two side in every marriage.

 

How has he help you grow? How is the marriage symbiotic for your growth? At what point does the marriage stop being a marriage and becomes a mother and child relationship?

 

You need to mediated on these questions long and hard. The end result here cannot be a check list of things he will not do again, and things he will do to help himself with your support. That is a mother \ child relationship. Going forward the reconcilation process must include how he will help both you and the children heal and grow.

 

Ask yourself this: Am I caretaker personality? How extreme if so? While it has help others, at what cost and benefits to you?

 

You are away so you will not see it before speaking. Remember reconcilation is a process that is consideration to remain married not a commintment to do so.

 

Be well

[turnera]

Aile, have you looked at the material at marriagebuilders.com about how to stop an affair? It's very detailed and helpful and QUITE effective, IMO. Just stay away from their forum; it's poison (just trust me on this).

 

But the basic tenets for stopping an affair are pretty spot on: you demand they stop, if they don't you expose, if they still don't stop you go No Contact on them, if they still don't stop you go Pitch Black on them, and then they are forced to REALLY make a decision.

 

The reason he got mad at you for filing, or saying you were filing, is that in his drug-addicted brain, you're supposed to be his backup plan. You're his wife; you've always supported him. So support him now. Except by supporting him, and waiting for him, you are TELLING him that you're not going anywhere, and he can do whatever the hell he wants cos you're sitting by the bedside table, waiting for that phone to ring so you can run to him. In reality, of course, you're trying to NOT do that, but it still looks like it to him.

 

You'll learn there to set up a concrete list of Must-Do's that you would have to see before allowing him back in your life.

 

I asked you on your other thread why you 'have' to be there this weekend. Just so you can help the people helping you put up a roof?

 

No.

 

That implies that you are still waiting for him to sow his wild oats.

 

I know you're there, but I really hope you didn't go.

 

When men cheat, the ONLY way I've ever seen, in 20 years of giving forum advice, that the men stop cheating is when they see their wife FED UP, valuing herself too much to keep waiting, taking strong SWIFT action, and COMPLETELY removing herself from his grasp so that he has to see what it really feels like to lose her once and for all.

 

You've made sputtering starts to this, but you're still not there - not by a mile.

Edited August 7, 2016 by turnera
spelling

[aileD]

I had to go becsuse I made a commitment to be there. I made a commitment to cook. To feed the people that so generously gave their time and hard work to help me and the husband they have no idea is GONe build our cabin. And I didn't feel like Dealing with telling anyone either

 

Unlike my husband I honor my commitments.

 

 

How did it go? Well I'm home .

 

I drew the line in the sand. I'm out of his life unless she's gone.

 

Done.

Edited August 7, 2016 by aileD

[BluesPower]

So I guess you are saying that you went and made it out alive. Well good for you I guess?????

 

I am trying to sort through your posts, and I am a little confused. You know that he had an affair, the relationship is basically over and you have not told anyone?

 

Is this correct?

[anika99]

I have some questions.

 

First off in your last thread you said your husband broke it off with the OW and went no contact with her. You also said you have not allowed him back in the house. Given that he was living in a truck with the OW, I'm curious to know where he is staying now and why you believe he is not in contact with the OW?

 

I'm also wondering why you are assisting your husband by keeping his dirty secrets for him? Do you think it was entirely fair to allow people to generously donate their time and work to a project for you and your husband when you both know the circumstances? Maybe I'm wrong but I got the impression that the people working on that cabin were doing so under the impression that they were helping their happily married friends build something that they could both enjoy for many years to come. If they knew that their happily married friends are not even living together and on the brink of divorce they may have thought their time could be better spent somewhere else. It's not fair to have others helping you out under false pretences. Also since your husband's mind has taken a vacation to lala land I think letting friends and family know what is going on may help your husband return to reality. I'm not saying you should sing it from the rooftops but I do think you should let the people closest to you know. They will be a source of support for you and a voice of reason for your husband.

[aileD]

I have some questions.

 

First off in your last thread you said your husband broke it off with the OW and went no contact with her. You also said you have not allowed him back in the house. Given that he was living in a truck with the OW, I'm curious to know where he is staying now and why you believe he is not in contact with the OW?

 

I'm also wondering why you are assisting your husband by keeping his dirty secrets for him? Do you think it was entirely fair to allow people to generously donate their time and work to a project for you and your husband when you both know the circumstances? Maybe I'm wrong but I got the impression that the people working on that cabin were doing so under the impression that they were helping their happily married friends build something that they could both enjoy for many years to come. If they knew that their happily married friends are not even living together and on the brink of divorce they may have thought their time could be better spent somewhere else. It's not fair to have others helping you out under false pretences. Also since your husband's mind has taken a vacation to lala land I think letting friends and family know what is going on may help your husband return to reality. I'm not saying you should sing it from the rooftops but I do think you should let the people closest to you know. They will be a source of support for you and a voice of reason for your husband.

 

Apparently it's too hard for him to stop seeing her so he didn't. He's probably still in his car. He doesn't like my boundaries because they don't fit with his narcissism.

 

I'm not ready to tell people for purely selfish reasons. I don't like pity I don't want to be the center of attention I don't want judgement I just want to be left alone. Plus it's no ones business. If and when se actually go thru with a divorce then I'll make it public.

 

There is more to the cabin that I don't want to say here but I didn't just use my friends.

 

I'm really pissed right now. And I can't think clearly

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so very sorry that he's betrayed you yet again. I know that he has some serious childhood issues but are you ready to throw the towel in now? I fear this could destroy you if you carry on.

 

Love your children. File for divorce. Focus on YOU & your family. You & your kids. If he comes sniveling back at some point you can reasses if you choose to. I think you need to protect what's lift of your dignity & pride. He's being truly pathetic.

 

Let him sink & hit rock bottom. There's nothing you can do & sticking around while he's shacked-up with a manipulative little girl in his truck must be torture for you. Take back your power. Dump him hard. It's the last thing that could wake him up.

 

Does his extended family know what he's doing to his family?

 

I'm so sorry.

[BetrayedH]

Apparently it's too hard for him to stop seeing her so he didn't. He's probably still in his car. He doesn't like my boundaries because they don't fit with his narcissism.

 

I'm not ready to tell people for purely selfish reasons. I don't like pity I don't want to be the center of attention I don't want judgement I just want to be left alone. Plus it's no ones business. If and when se actually go thru with a divorce then I'll make it public.

 

There is more to the cabin that I don't want to say here but I didn't just use my friends.

 

I'm really pissed right now. And I can't think clearly

 

Stay pissed; use it as motivation.

 

I like this talk about your boundaries. Keep on that train of thought.

[whichwayisup]

You're incredibly strong and you're the bigger person in this awful situation. This is your (soon to be ex) husband's loss. Not yours. I know it hurts and this wasn't what you ever thought would happen.

[aileD]

your (soon to be ex) husband

 

This just made be burst into tears. I don't even want to think about that, I dont want this.

 

I wish it could all just work out.

Edited August 8, 2016 by aileD
Typo

[Mr. Lucky]

I wish it could all just work out. ����

 

At some point you'll accept that, for him, the present situation is having it "work out". He's made his choice and has done so clearly knowing the damage it's causing.

 

PLan accordingly ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[LifesontheUp]

aileD

 

Been reading your posts and feel for you. Things are very complicated I get that. In fact, they were with me too having been with my xH for 18 yrs.

 

I thought that I would never ever get over what my ex did, that I would never ever survive on my own, I'd been with him since I was young and didn't know any different.

 

Sometimes, it takes a while to realise that the husband you love so much is the truly selfish ***hole he is and that there isn't anything worth saving. I hope that you get to that stage at some point and realise that his treatment of you is and has been disgusting and that even if you got back together, he could do it at any point again in the future.

 

Sending you cyber hugs and sincerely hope that you get to the point you realise you are worth more than this

[Miss Clavel]

yes a separation agreement is a good idea. I can look into that.

 

Also I haven't just put my head into the sand. I know my options, I have a lawyer friend and we have talked about things and struggles and cost and what'd it really be like, etc etc etc.

 

I've done my research, I'm a strong person. I just believe in marriage. I believe in not giving up when the reasons are deeper than just whats on the surface. I've loved this man since I was 17 and even before then we knew each other. I have seen all the crap he's gone thru in his life. The Trauma I talk of is the worst of just like FIVE different crappy things that can happen to someone...Like an alcoholic mother, foster care, and being abandoned by your father for a new family. I do sympathise with him, he has been REALLY good at pushing all that stuff down, becoming successful, driven, etc. He is clearly having a breakdown and I don't feel right just saying "well eff it, you're too effed up for me". I'll try to help him as best I can, and it seems like he's doing the work and getting into the healing so why would I write him off now? I would never forgive myself. What if he can get past this, heal HIMSELF and we are able to restore our relationship? When there is a chance of that I will fight for my relationship, it's just how I am.... if he can't push thru this, then there is no choice and I understand that.

 

why not move this thread to the marriage/rebuilding/second chances section? clearly you want to rebuild and you are willing to give second and third chances.

 

if they can't move the thread or you don't want to, why not start a new thread about "rebuilding".

 

you seem to have moved passed "infidelity".

 

perhaps you might want to look into a 12 step program for all three of you.

 

they have meetings for incest survivors, alkies, enablers and just about everything else.

 

all of these 12 step programs are founded on the premise that one has to fix/face their own issues.

 

you husband has huge emotional issues. i have no idea where they started or how they came about. i do know thousands of people have gone thru unimaginable abuse, suffering and pain in their lives and come out the other side. because they learned to cope, for themselves.

 

when he has a desire to stop doing what he's doing, he will.

 

 

 

they only thing standing in his way is you.

 

 

 

good luck

Edited August 8, 2016 by Miss Clavel

[Lobe]

This just made be burst into tears. I don't even want to think about that, I dont want this.

 

I wish it could all just work out.

 

Don't waste your time wishing and hoping - just get your divorce papers started. The healing is often in the work - you will feel empowered, despite your grief. Whenever you feel yourself slipping back into the "pick me" dance, remember the anger you feel. That will give you the strength you need to soldier on.