Wish me luck [updated from 'not sure what's going on']

[whichwayisup]

This just made be burst into tears. I don't even want to think about that, I dont want this.

 

I wish it could all just work out.

 

He sent me a message today that he feels like an outcast. That the kids seem to be "about done" with him and he's sad.

 

I told him what did he expect? He now has to live with and deal with the consequences of his actions and his addiction to her.

 

This is all just too sad.

 

I know I have to get things moving but I'm frozen.

 

It is sad, but he created this mess. This is all on him and now as already mentioned, he suffers the consequences of his choices. This isn't something you asked for or wanted. You have every right to be upset and feel whatever you feel. Go with the feelings, allow yourself to cry and do reach out to good friends and other family members to help you through this and consider counseling too just so you can cope with this in a healthy way and not let this beat you down to the point of depression and losing weight.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting...

Edited August 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Clean up quote

[ShatteredLady]

So.... Is his plan now that he leaves her on September 1st when she's in a new apartment & doesn't need a 'bodyguard' anymore?

 

Where is he going to live?

 

I can't see him living in his truck when she has a bed & YOU have a bed. I can see him yoyoing between the 2 of you.

 

 

I hope that you've pointed out to him that it's far worse for you than his boss! You've been married all your life. Youve got CHILDREN to care for. You've forgiven this before. He's put you through hell AND still is!!

Edited August 11, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[Lobe]

I got annoyed because he left the house to go apprently shower at the gym.

 

(obsession and guilt, and he'd be leaving her to live in car alone in unsafe places)

 

I'm not blind to the fact that he still left to be with her or any of that cake and eat it stuff.

 

You've done a 120. You can make the other 60 degrees... come on... He showered at the gym which is exactly where a 40 year old man living in a car with a mistress he is old enough to have fathered should be showering. That's his sh*t.

 

Stop making excuses and being understanding about your poor husband and his obsession and tender caring of this poor waif. Use better words to hang onto the anger.

 

He chose and continues to choose her over you and your children.

He is going to move into her apartment with her and tell you that he is just waiting until she is settled before he makes a break.

He is going to continue breaking your heart - it's time to go public and let HIM answer what is going on. All you have to do when someone asks why you are separated is say you'd rather not talk about it and direct them to your wayward husband.

 

He has ZERO consequences right now. He thinks he is a martyr by sleeping ion the car, doing right by both you and by her. Why are you protecting him? Lying to his family for him? Your arms are going to fall off if you keep sweeping this all under the rug. You're starting to fall into his affair fog - back the truck up and get out.

[ladydesigner]

You've done a 120. You can make the other 60 degrees... come on... He showered at the gym which is exactly where a 40 year old man living in a car with a mistress he is old enough to have fathered should be showering. That's his sh*t.

 

Stop making excuses and being understanding about your poor husband and his obsession and tender caring of this poor waif. Use better words to hang onto the anger.

 

He chose and continues to choose her over you and your children.

He is going to move into her apartment with her and tell you that he is just waiting until she is settled before he makes a break.

He is going to continue breaking your heart - it's time to go public and let HIM answer what is going on. All you have to do when someone asks why you are separated is say you'd rather not talk about it and direct them to your wayward husband.

 

He has ZERO consequences right now. He thinks he is a martyr by sleeping ion the car, doing right by both you and by her. Why are you protecting him? Lying to his family for him? Your arms are going to fall off if you keep sweeping this all under the rug. You're starting to fall into his affair fog - back the truck up and get out.

 

Yeah he is and working it to 10th degree geez. I am always amused at how often these WS's think they are martyrs my WH included.

[Lobe]

Yeah he is and working it to 10th degree geez. I am always amused at how often these WS's think they are martyrs my WH included.

 

My WH thought he was a KISA for sure. His xOW had lost custody of her kids and claimed to be heartbroken but according to her, she didn't even show up in court to fight because she felt like she wouldn't have won anyways because she feels so bad about herself. WH felt so sorry for her boo hoo. :sick: Um, hello? Idiot stick? You don't think there's a reason she would have lost in court? I'd LOVE to hear the backstory on that one. I've often considered contacting her baby daddy and asking him why he got custody of those kids. They were babies - 3yrs and 18mos. I can understand walking away from your kids if it's too much and I can understand surrendering them to the other parent to make a point like, "Look, do it yourself if you think it's so easy..." But not showing up in court to fight because you don't deserve your own kids? Obviously the courts agreed.

 

At one point while WH was trying to make me "feel better" he said, "If you think about it, really think about you, you weren't happy either. I'm doing this for both of us... xOW needs me and you don't."

Edited August 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed extraneous characters

[aileD]

Ok so ya'all are going to be either disappointed in me or proud of me or a little of both.

 

What you'll be disappointed with-

WS had today off from work. Calls me in the AM to see if we are awake. I knew he wanted to come over. (He had told me recentmy that everyday he's like "today's going to be the day I come home", but then has trouble actually leaving her). I invited him over for breakfast which is something he enjoyed doing with the family. We made breakfast, and did a ton of work around the house and yard. Took our son to a relatives to swim. During the downtimes he was watching affair recovery videos and talking about marriage retreats and saying that he doesn't feel like we / he did everything he could have done to save our marriage before the affair and during the times he was here and M it just doesn't feel right leaving.

 

What you'll be proud of (I think?)

I could tell he was getting all nervous and upset around 8 as I was making a late dinner. I called him on it. Asked him if he had even talked to her today. He said no, he had just sent her a video that we had watched (about not doing everything possible).

 

So I told him,--listen I want you to stay, the kids want you to stay. But you have to actually stay. We can't do the back and forth again, it hurts too much. I said, you need to get closure with her, you can't just send an email and think you're done because you've done that a million times and it doesn't work. It's not final. You need to talk to her and you both need to come to an agreement on this so that she agrees to the no contact (because in the past--he has kept NC but she's been relentless until he (weak) gives in). She also deserves closure too--not just leaving one morning and not coming back. Blah I could care less about her feelings but he's gotta do it right, otherwise it just keeps the door open.

 

I sent him on his way and I feel good about it

 

I do want to work things out and I think it's going that way. Today was a really good day.

 

Ok. Slay me.

[MuddyFootprints]

Unless he's strong enough to initiate and maintain NC, it will never be done. You are putting your future in her hands at this point.

 

She doesn't have to agree to anything. He does.

[katielee]

Omg - she doesn't deserve closure. You deserve him to act like a married man. To you. He never sees her again or he never sees YOU again. Jeez. Find your b/tch boots girl!

This is all about your boundaries, not his. Be strong!

[lemondrop21]

As a former OW the idea of a man doing this moving out, back and forth thing to ANY woman disgusts me. I feel for both you and the OW in this situation and I can see how it would be SO hard for either of you to do NC out of fear that he will then default to the other one. Although I think the reality is that he's more likely to pine for, and chase, the one who does NC - it's just basic human psychology.

 

The thing is that you don't really want to "win" out of psychological manipulation, do you? If you have to resort to that, he seems like no prize. That's what I find so troubling about the 180 when used purely as a manipulation tactic, and same with NC. If either of those "tricks" affect him so much, I think it points to deeper issues that he needs to go and sort out ALONE. Not with you, not with her. With a therapist if possible. Good luck and hang in there and remember that you're fabulous no matter what and no man can take that from you.

[OneLov]

OP,

 

The 180 is about demands not suggestions. He's learned he can sleep in the van, and you'll still serve him pancakes.

 

I usually don't say this but this guy is a mess. He's incapable of being honest with himself. Wether he ends up in the van down by the river or back in your home--proceed with caution. The rides not over.

 

I know you love him, but he needs serious professional help. Don't make yourself so available.

[anika99]

I don't see what's different. Haven't you been telling him he has to make a choice and stick with it for weeks now? Hasn't he been waffling back and forth for longer than you have been posting here, while you keep pretending to put your foot down and insist he make a choice? Whatever conversation you had with him today just sounds like the same ole' same ole'.

 

 

I'm not picking on you. I think you should handle this however you want but basically you are just letting him play games and cake eat. I presume that when he left your house he went running to the OW to lay some false hope on her just like he does with you. He sends you articles about abused children and watches affair recovery videos at your house so that you will keep hanging on and hoping while he continues to string both you and his OW along for as long as he wants.

 

 

Have you taken anytime at all to look into doing the 180 and why it's good for you regardless if you reconcile or not? Right now you are just assisting and enabling his affair.

[anika99]

As a former OW the idea of a man doing this moving out, back and forth thing to ANY woman disgusts me. I feel for both you and the OW in this situation and I can see how it would be SO hard for either of you to do NC out of fear that he will then default to the other one. Although I think the reality is that he's more likely to pine for, and chase, the one who does NC - it's just basic human psychology.

 

The thing is that you don't really want to "win" out of psychological manipulation, do you? If you have to resort to that, he seems like no prize. That's what I find so troubling about the 180 when used purely as a manipulation tactic, and same with NC. If either of those "tricks" affect him so much, I think it points to deeper issues that he needs to go and sort out ALONE. Not with you, not with her. With a therapist if possible. Good luck and hang in there and remember that you're fabulous no matter what and no man can take that from you.

 

But she is not doing the 180, she is doing the opposite of the 180. and the 180 is about taking back control of her own life and future, it's shouldn't ever be used as a ploy to manipulate and I'm not sure how one could use the 180 to manipulate anyways as it involves stepping out of the spouse's life and letting them to make their own decisions without input or influence from the BS. If the 180 is being executed correctly then it's actually the opposite of manipulation.

Edited August 13, 2016 by anika99

[ShatteredLady]

This is one of the very few cases I've ever read that's just....different! I know that affairs & adulterers do (to a certain extent) follow a script. I've read many OW threads & feel desperately sorry for many. I'm a bs & read the infidelity forum & it often makes me very sad.

 

Infidelity is such a nightmare!

 

 

The thing here is we don't have a 'usual' OW. It's an incredibly manipulative young woman/girl who's dealing with extremely messed-up daddy/mummy issues & lacks all empathy. From all evidence she's made it her ambition in life to be her Daddy's OW but win! She's got 2 middle aged screwed-up MM with kids to play with.

 

We don't have a 'usual' MM despite the commonalities. He suffered brutal, religious abuse that he's never dealt with & looses his mind & 'rescues' barely legal, screwed-up little girls when the press, legal etc gangs pressure him to recall his childhood.

He's living in his truck/her car but even the OW says that he spends a lot of time in silence clearly having mental issues.

 

The truth is I'm bias. My father had the most terrible of childhoods. This MM was 'lucky' by comparison & yet my Dad has always been an incredibly well balanced, dedicated family man.

 

I do believe that this MM is being childish, self indulgent & incredibly selfish. He is entirely responsible for starting the affair with this girl but she has created a highly manipulative situation....she's sleeping in a car in very vulnerable places. The MM is convinced that she will be raped or worse alone. Of course she has options but she won't take them.

 

Part of me understands the OP's predicament. I've spent my whole adult life with my H. We grew together & shared our demons. I thought that I knew him. He was consistently the same person for a decade. Then suddenly he was an alien. I never believed it was even remotely possible for him to say & do the things that he did to me. I believed it was mental illness. How do you leave your love, the man you made vows to for being sick?

 

Now that I've been through the whole merry-go-around again. Normal decade. Alien, abusive tosser. Ugh!! I don't know but I haven't filed for divorce so I'm not one to judge.

 

Ugh! I don't know! I wish the OP would just file & go NC so he knows that he needs to grow-up. I do think that she's enabling. I can't swear that I'd do anything different. I wish I would but I swore I would NEVER take this again but I did!

 

Life is so far from black & white. This story is a psychedelic rainbow of a multitude of agonizing issues.

 

 

I'll say it again, I wish that I could slap some sense into him!! He seems to like articles that explain/excuse his choices. I'd be sending him back information on how horrifically, devastating his actions are to his wife & children. He feels so sorry for himself but he's damaging his family so much.

[Mr. Lucky]

You need to talk to her and you both need to come to an agreement on this so that she agrees to the no contact (because in the past--he has kept NC but she's been relentless until he (weak) gives in).

 

aileD, on some level even you know this doesn't make sense.

 

Why do both of them need to come to an agreement? Why do you need her consent to resume your marriage? I have an attractive, single next-door neighbor - my wife doesn't need her buy-in to secure our marriage because she knows I'm committed to her, our family and our relationship.

 

Your H could go NC, be transparent, remorseful and start winning your trust back tomorrow were he willing.

 

He's not. And all the wishing, hoping and wanting in the world won't get him there.

 

At some point, you're going to have to stop pretending he's something he's not, at least as presently configured.

 

Time to think about you and the kids...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Ok so ya'all are going to be either disappointed in me or proud of me or a little of both.

 

What you'll be disappointed with-

WS had today off from work. Calls me in the AM to see if we are awake. I knew he wanted to come over. (He had told me recentmy that everyday he's like "today's going to be the day I come home", but then has trouble actually leaving her). I invited him over for breakfast which is something he enjoyed doing with the family. We made breakfast, and did a ton of work around the house and yard. Took our son to a relatives to swim. During the downtimes he was watching affair recovery videos and talking about marriage retreats and saying that he doesn't feel like we / he did everything he could have done to save our marriage before the affair and during the times he was here and M it just doesn't feel right leaving.

 

What you'll be proud of (I think?)

I could tell he was getting all nervous and upset around 8 as I was making a late dinner. I called him on it. Asked him if he had even talked to her today. He said no, he had just sent her a video that we had watched (about not doing everything possible).

 

So I told him,--listen I want you to stay, the kids want you to stay. But you have to actually stay. We can't do the back and forth again, it hurts too much. I said, you need to get closure with her, you can't just send an email and think you're done because you've done that a million times and it doesn't work. It's not final. You need to talk to her and you both need to come to an agreement on this so that she agrees to the no contact (because in the past--he has kept NC but she's been relentless until he (weak) gives in). She also deserves closure too--not just leaving one morning and not coming back. Blah I could care less about her feelings but he's gotta do it right, otherwise it just keeps the door open.

 

I sent him on his way and I feel good about it

 

I do want to work things out and I think it's going that way. Today was a really good day.

 

Ok. Slay me.

 

You know - HE is the one doing all this crap to you, your kids and to her! Why not blame HIM ONLY?

 

Stop blaming her! He's manipulating her as much as he's manipulating you.

 

He gets both - that's what he really wants. He's just selfish.

 

I can't understand why you need to lead him around by the nose... He's a grown man who's been cheating on you - you should be flaming mad and expecting him to EARN that trust back before inviting him to ANYTHING!

 

He seems like a total douche. You should have to beg someone to love you the way you deserve to be loved.

 

This guy is just disrespecting and disregarding you - but it's mainly because you aren't standing firm on your self respect and decency.

 

Find a boundary - stick to that... Hopefully it's a boundary that's firm enough to u sweat and he crossed the line and shouldn't be allowed in again unless he changes!

[aileD]

He wanted to stay, I basically told him no because he can't go back and forth. He needs to end it with her. I don't care about her closure, I don't need her permission to resume my marriage, she can go **** herself for all I care.

 

Hey it would be great if he just stopped talking to her and ran back to me. But that doesn't work because he's RUNNING instead of DEALING. And running makes people chase you. She chases. He needs to end it and she needs to know its ended that's just the way it is.

 

If I had let him come stay like this he wouldn't have stayed long.

 

I truly want ton save my marriage. He didn't at first, when all this started. But he kept me in his life, he included me in things he was doing independently, we have made new friends and imagined new goals. In some ways they this we have still managed to work on things and that's made him see that we still have a chance. We both have been reading stuff, learning about marriage and infidelity.

 

I'm not using an 180 tactics or whatever as manipulation. I don't want to manipulate him into anything, that's not the type of marriage we want.

 

Yes she's still in the picture. But I know in my heart that she won't be forever.

[MuddyFootprints]

Okay, so let's say she won't be in the picture. Are you prepared to deal with the next one that comes along?

[S2B]

I'm unsure why you say "that's not the marriage we want"...

 

You want a certain kind of marriage. He is doing a different deal.

 

You seem to be unrealistic about what he's done, what he's doing and what effort he's NOT making to set things right!

 

IF he was a DECENT husband he would actively tell that gal to F- OFF! He would get a rest atoning order against her! He would MOVEABLE HOME with you - he would be willing to DO ANYTHING to set things right by worshipping every breath you breathe - BUT, he isn't doing any of those things.

 

What you have is a liar! A man who says one thing but does whatever suits him well.

 

He's not putting your feelings above his - he's still selfish and self serving.

 

Believe what you want - but it won't make it a good marriage pretending that way.

[ShatteredLady]

When I discovered that my H was having an EA with his coworker mistress from 12 years before I snapped "I don't want you to ever have anything to do with her again!".

 

About 15 minutes later I very clearly took that back. It became "You can do anything you want. Keep talking to her". Very calmly. Very clearly. I was in complete shock. I'd do EVERYTHING differently now. I didn't want to HAVE TO tell him not to do something that was so absolutely, obviously so very very wrong in the first place!

 

I get that! I really do.

 

Weeks later when I found a message that he had written to a friend stating that he told me that he had stopped talking to her but he hadn't & had no intention of ever stopping.....I asked for a divorce!

 

It had been 9 months since he started disrespecting me & doing cruel passive aggressive things. Looking at me with utter contempt. Hurting me all the time. Being cold & cruel. 9 months of me loosing my mind. The very worst time of my life. 9 months, everyday & it took 1 simple statement to change everything immediately....

 

"Ok. Go to her. I want a divorce!"

 

Cry, cry "Why do I not know what I'm doing, what I'm going to loose before it gets to this? I was going to kill myself!! Blah blah blah.

 

Him reading my private journal where I talked about wanting to die, questioning how he could just leave our children & drop off the grid, worrying about his sanity, expressing my utter devastation just gave him fodder to woo the OW.

 

Bursting the bubble. Smacking him over the head with reality changed everything!

 

 

I asked before, are you now waiting for her to move into her apartment Sept 1st for him to stop sleeping nights with her to protect her? Has he promised this?

[Jersey born raised]

Have you exposed to family and children?

 

You are doing the plan A and plan B marriage Buiders proposes for a person who will not divorce. The problem is most people do not do both. Instead the try to just nice them back. The proposed program does have a huge 2x4 in the begining and without using it the attempt will fail and result in years of pain.

[Whoknew30]

You don't seem to really want advice...you're going to what you want & it's your business BUT next time he does it (which he will bc why wouldn't he, he knows you'll take him back) you'll know you're very much part of you're own misery. You know what your H is about & no more prentending

 

You're both being horrible examples to your kids...all your kids are seeing, is worth is based on wether or not you can keep a unhealthy marriage...I feel sorry for them that they're stuck in a situation with two parents that need a tremendous amount of IC...you both need to fix yourselves as individuals before your marriage ever had a prayer...may god be with your kids.

[understand50]

He wanted to stay, I basically told him no because he can't go back and forth. He needs to end it with her. I don't care about her closure, I don't need her permission to resume my marriage, she can go **** herself for all I care.

 

Hey it would be great if he just stopped talking to her and ran back to me. But that doesn't work because he's RUNNING instead of DEALING. And running makes people chase you. She chases. He needs to end it and she needs to know its ended that's just the way it is.

 

If I had let him come stay like this he wouldn't have stayed long.

 

I truly want ton save my marriage. He didn't at first, when all this started. But he kept me in his life, he included me in things he was doing independently, we have made new friends and imagined new goals. In some ways they this we have still managed to work on things and that's made him see that we still have a chance. We both have been reading stuff, learning about marriage and infidelity.

 

I'm not using an 180 tactics or whatever as manipulation. I don't want to manipulate him into anything, that's not the type of marriage we want.

 

Yes she's still in the picture. But I know in my heart that she won't be forever.

 

aileD,

 

I am going to say, you did this right. You have decided to try and save your marriage, and the first thing to do is get the AP out of the picture. He is going to have to step up to the plate to do this. You married a weak man. He will needs to do the honorable thing and end it with her. Yes, letting her down as easy as he can is a good thing. Let's remember, your husband is to blame for the issues with the affair, and who knows what he has done with her or said to her.

 

In the long run, I think you are setting yourself up for a lot of hard work, and your own self worth, will be under assault for a time, but as you want your marriage back, this is the only path to take. Weak people, let thing happen top them, or do not stop what they know will be a bad thing. Your husband is in this group. He will stop, when the pain of losing you and his kids become grater then the pleasure of is AP. Hopefully, the love he has for you will also weight in on his decision. Let's us hope that he finds true remorse, repentance, and works to try repair all that he has damaged.

 

For yourself, keep working towards your goals, as long as you think it is your best interest, and it is what you want.

 

Hang in there, and I wish you luck.

[aileD]

Have you exposed to family and children?

 

You are doing the plan A and plan B marriage Buiders proposes for a person who will not divorce. The problem is most people do not do both. Instead the try to just nice them back. The proposed program does have a huge 2x4 in the begining and without using it the attempt will fail and result in years of pain.

 

Can you please send me a link to what you are talking about.

[aileD]

aileD,

 

I am going to say, you did this right. You have decided to try and save your marriage, and the first thing to do is get the AP out of the picture. He is going to have to step up to the plate to do this. You married a weak man. He will needs to do the honorable thing and end it with her. Yes, letting her down as easy as he can is a good thing. Let's remember, your husband is to blame for the issues with the affair, and who knows what he has done with her or said to her.

 

In the long run, I think you are setting yourself up for a lot of hard work, and your own self worth, will be under assault for a time, but as you want your marriage back, this is the only path to take. Weak people, let thing happen top them, or do not stop what they know will be a bad thing. Your husband is in this group. He will stop, when the pain of losing you and his kids become grater then the pleasure of is AP. Hopefully, the love he has for you will also weight in on his decision. Let's us hope that he finds true remorse, repentance, and works to try repair all that he has damaged.

 

For yourself, keep working towards your goals, as long as you think it is your best interest, and it is what you want.

 

Hang in there, and I wish you luck.

 

Thank you.

 

Yes, he is weak and he needs to find the strength to end things right so that its final. This morning he said he needed help, he needed a ride. I went and picked him up. (Something I don't want to mention here made it a situation that I couldn't just leave him there).

 

It was at one of the places she goes to work (home health stuff?). He was down the street when I asked what was going on, he said he had tried to talk to her last night and it didn't go well, she was pissed at him for spending the day here yesterday and he had told her he was just going to sit in his truck and think while she went to work, she convinced him to go to her appointments with her and just sit and think in her car.

 

he again, runs. Left her car while she WS in an appt and I got him (found this out after). Dropped him off to get his truck, she was texting and calling him the entire time, turns out she got to where he parks his truck five minutes after we left.

 

I asked him if he had any of her stuf. He said yes. That in the past has been an excuse to reconnect. I asked him what his intent was because he just ran again. said again we want him home, but he needs to deal with her first. He can't just disappear on her without making it clear its over, he's going back to family and please don't contact him, and here Is your stuff.

 

I also was worried about her showing up at the house so I wouldn't let him come here. We parted ways and that's what's going on. He's got to deal with her like a man instead of just running away.

 

And **** her for getting pissed at him spending the day with his children. You have no idea how much my son NEEDED that day.

[aileD]

Okay, so let's say she won't be in the picture. Are you prepared to deal with the next one that comes along?

 

That's the point of doing counseling and marriage retreats and all that stuff so we don't get to a place where it could happen again.