31m not new to LDR, 26f is, can't get phone sex.

[nunyanunya]

In a previous LTR, where I was often on travel, I developed a healthy appetite for sexting, phone sex, providing/receiving some sexual spice throughout the day.

 

In my current relationship of 3yrs, I've spent the last year away, and I've been trying to get my new girl to open up to the idea of phone sex, or at least any variation of it that I can think of. She had all kinds of real excuses up front, like she didn't have enough privacy in her current apartment, or she just didn't think that way, but now that she has a place all to herself she just shuts down the topic and gets really defensive. I've tried several approaches, I've tried showing her how i'm sensitive to her needs and fill them from a desire to make her happy and whole and feel loved, I've had to grow into some behaviors that she particularly likes and are easy for me, but when I even start down the path of trying to get her interested in talking about sex, the furthest I get is a little sexting (a little) and dirty pictures. She says she doesn't really have a sex drive but is happy to satisfy me when I'm home with her, but there is a part of me that looks forward to her wanting me, and sometimes its a turn off. When it comes to phone sex, I just can't get her to open up and relax, she doesn't think that she's uncomfortable but I don't think she understands what that really means. I tried once to describe all the things someone should be able to feel completely safe doing in private in their own home, and slightly extending it to talking about sex with someone they trust. I've sent her audio of me walking through what to do with herself, which she enjoyed, but unfortunately I can't do that very often and she didn't seem to want more of it. I understand that building a sexting/phone sex dynamic comes from both people growing into whatever it is that they both like, using past experience, painting a picture in the other person's mind, but every time I bring it up it goes very poorly.

 

Is it really something that some girls just don't do? I view it as a matter of comfort and sometimes she can be very adamantly opposed to things the's uncomfortable with just out of sheer stubbornness, and I figure that if I were able to be home I could cultivate enough shared language between us that I could trigger her with with talking or getting her into it, or that if she really does get more comfortable with herself or the relationship or whatever, that she'll grow into it as a matter of course of two human beings connecting with each other. I've told her repeatedly I prefer her to porn 100%, I've encouraged her when she sends pictures, I've pointed out simple little things she's done that provoke strong reaction in me, I just wonder why she doesn't seem to care about getting the person they loved absolutely hooked on them. She always complains that "what I give you isn't enough you always want more, I must not be enough for you" and I can't get her to realize that I'm just a v12 engine waiting for her to be brave and press down on the throttle! I'm thrilled about this girl, i've tried to calibrate all kinds of things but I just can't seem to bring out her inner freak! What do I do!?! I've strongly considered whipping out the "If we could just start experimenting with this I would probably lose my mind and propose to you on the spot" Its been scary to me, but I feel like if we started connecting like that then I don't see how I could be with anyone else, she'd make me so happy. I know thats ****ty and won't say it, but Im serious about this girl and I want to grow this right. But damn if I can't break through. Please give me some perspective!

[LittleTiger]

Seven year LDR here and I (female) have never had any interest in phone sex or sexting. I can't speak for other women but sex is about intimacy for me and doing it via a phone/tablet/computer is completely pointless. I used to do stuff on video for my guy but, honestly, after a while it got a bit boring...for both of us.

 

I suggest you stop asking your girl to do something she clearly has no interest in because you will push her away. Use porn if you need to. If you can make her feel loved and special in other ways, she'll be much more likely to fall into your arms when you get home.

 

If it turns out she can't meet your sexual needs when you're together then you may have to consider if you are really compatible as a couple. Good luck!

[Els]

Ah, just made a long post and lost it.

 

Anyway, to summarize, when I was in a LDR I really enjoyed phone sex. We have D/s overtones in our sexual dynamic, so phone sex allowed us to maintain that and feel satisfied - not nearly as satisfied as IRL of course, but much more so than just masturbating. So I can understand your desire.

 

But what really matters is that your gf doesn't enjoy it. And she is entitled to her own preferences. So I think you just have to respect your gf's boundaries - nothing good will ever come out of trying to persuade someone to breach their boundaries for you. Even if you 'succeed', you will only breed resentment.

 

How long before you can close the distance and won't need phone sex anymore? How is your sex life like in person?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Speaking as a woman and as one who was in a 3 year LDR herself, I LOVE sexting and phone sex and anything to with connecting with my partner! Hell, I love it so much that it doesn't matter how far or close he lives or how long it's been since we were last naked together as I see it as just part of the all-day foreplay that goes on between a loving and committed couple. So no, not all women are uptight about it.

 

Before I address the issue at hand, what I find very interesting and the one thing that stood out to me in reading your post was her confession to you that 'she doesn't really have a sex drive but is happy to satisfy me when I'm home with her'. OP, how is your overall sex life when you are together?

 

I think THIS is the crux of your problem.

 

I believe sexting/phone sex etc. is something one can 'learn' or become more comfortable in time. No one is amazing at phone sex right out the gates and it always starts off a bit awkward until you're comfortable with the tone and cadence which often comes with practice. It takes time and patience and a loving and supportive partner. But most importantly, it takes a desire to try and learn and an even a greater desire to want to please and be pleased.

 

You sound like you are trying to be all those things for her BUT nagging her about it, issuing empty promises and ultimatums and using guilt to lure your girlfriend into giving it up the way you want is a cocktail for disaster! It will only make her shut down and turn off, which seems to be exactly what's going on right now.

 

Do you really want her to just fake it with you rather than sincerely enjoy the whole experience? Are you really that selfish about getting YOUR needs met?? If you are then save your energy and just turn to porn because it will be a lot easier than trying to force your partner into having phone sex with you.

 

So again, I ask you, how is your sex life overall with this girl?

 

The bottom line is you can't make her do anything she doesn't want or feel comfortable doing. And especially if she straight up told you she doesn't have much of a sex drive. Red flag.

 

It's unfortunate when you've developed a taste for something with one partner and assume it's something that will always be on the menu with new partners only to realize that it doesn't work that way.

 

How do you cope? If you love beyond just the sex and want to remain together than you find other (non destructive) ways to get by while you're away and make up for lost time when you're finally together again. If not, then some hard decisions need to be made about your relationship. Sexual incompatibility often turns into the giant pink elephant in your relationship you're trying to ignore. It WILL catch up with you eventually.

 

Good luck.

[nunyanunya]

I expect to be home in a month or two but this knowledge is new. But even then I worry that this is part of a larger issue that I will describe, while attempting to answer your questions at the same time.

 

Our sex life when we are home is one where she almost never initiates but also doesn't refuse me, and doesn't ever seem put out like she's doing it just for me, she says she enjoys it and I take her at her word on this.

 

She gets turned on very fast, doesn't need much foreplay and usually has quick orgasms that can be shortly spaced most of the time. Its a very "get to it, it was fun, now lets go do something else" sort of thing with her. I like that sometimes but I recognize that other times you can really "make a meal out of it", but her approach to lingere is "why would I waste money on something I'm rarely going to use" and her approach to giving oral was "we have sex now so thats not so important anymore" after I had been up front in how much I love it. Once I realized she wasn't paying attention to this part of our sex life I asked her about it and thats what she said, after talking about it its come back in, but it was an example of how she didn't seem to be taking an interest in developing things, it was very, "your dick works and you clearly find me attractive because it doesn't take you long and I take it as a compliment so lets move on". I've been hoping to find her more interested in that all day foreplay idea, and I wholly understand about how the sex talk thing really shines as a result of shared experience that each partner just builds on and all that, and don't expect her to come up with the wackiest things to say, I want to hear that she thinks about our sex life, or at least enjoys being brought to think about it. She says she's a people pleaser, socially is so, and takes pride in filling this role (although I think she could do this less) but sometimes she tries to use this angle on me when we discuss this "clearly I'M the one with the problem so YET AGAIN I'll change", I've called her out on that immediately and she didn't keep doing it, but you see.... I continue to frame this thing as just another side to the communication coin. She can walk around her house naked in private, she can play cards against humanity with complete strangers, but she can't talk about our mainly vanilla sex life over the phone with her boyfriend! I've gotten her to send nudes while I was here, I'm not trying to guilt her into things, trying to get her to share her sexy self and get in the mood, I've sent her audio to listen to which she claims to have enjoyed, early on we wrote back and forth sides of an erotic story together which was thrilling, but then she stopped. She's hinted about D/s stuff, got her to call me Sir when I bring up that dynamic, trying to get her to repeat stuff I tell her outloud (but I have 0 experience with D/s, and I'm trying to get her to go into a little more detail.

But again when we're home face to face, whenever I want it, its on, I can ask for oral (I waited sooo long to see if she would just do it herself) and it seems to go well. But I'm trying to get her to build something deeper, or to also, you know, surprise no reason bj! or surprise dirty letter or panties in my bookbag, or hey i'm walking around the house in this skirt and would you like to know whats underneath? As i'm writing this it makes her sound really bad. I just think she has some preconceived notions about how it should all work, and maybe I do as well. ugh. sorry for the wall of text

 

I do not want her to fake it, I've told her that if she doesn't feel comfortable with something than don't do it just because I ask, I'm only human, I've been trying not to come off as pushy or threatening, but she's also done things like preempt the conversation and then get upset (called her out on that too). Obviously it takes two, she's gotten mad at me for what she perceives to be ultimatums and pushiness, and perception is king.

 

I will be home soon and I think the only way to change this will be to be home and build more in person shared experience that I can draw on, and then i guess if that doesn't seem to be working then yea. hard talk...

[elaine567]

Your gf is like a person who likes chocolate icecream, she buys it, she enjoys it, she may look forward to eating it, but she doesn't adore it, she is not obsessed by it, once it is eaten she barely gives it a second thought.

 

Whereas you are like a connoisseur of chocolate icecream, you know the ingredients, you know the different types of chocolate, you want to make your own chocolate icecream, you want to make it special, you want to experiment with flavours, you spend your days thinking about chocolate icecream.

 

I am not sure you can change a person who views sex in such a practical manner as she appears to do, into someone who has the same passion for sex you appear to have.

 

As she is a people pleaser, I guess you can get her to do a lot of things for you sexually, but it doesn't mean she will enjoy them, and all it may do is build resentment, and we all know resentment kills relationships.

[ExpatInItaly]

You two sound sexually incompatible.

 

She isn't suddenly going to morph into some naughty sex princess if that's not who she is. Neither of you is wrong, necessarily. You just want and expect different things in bed.

 

The fact that you say she has no sex drive is concerning. If she used to and now doesn't, you two need to figure out why she lost the desire and attraction. That might not be an easy conversation, but it's an important one.

Edited August 9, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[Els]

She's hinted about D/s stuff, got her to call me Sir when I bring up that dynamic, trying to get her to repeat stuff I tell her outloud (but I have 0 experience with D/s, and I'm trying to get her to go into a little more detail.

But again when we're home face to face, whenever I want it, its on, I can ask for oral (I waited sooo long to see if she would just do it herself) and it seems to go well. But I'm trying to get her to build something deeper, or to also, you know, surprise no reason bj! or surprise dirty letter or panties in my bookbag, or hey i'm walking around the house in this skirt and would you like to know whats underneath?

 

Sounds to me like she wants to be ordered to do it. Have you tried that?

 

As i'm writing this it makes her sound really bad. I just think she has some preconceived notions about how it should all work, and maybe I do as well.

Honestly, I don't think she sounds terrible at all. It's possible the two of you are sexually incompatible, but it sounds like it might be worth working on communication and some experimenting when you're back home. If it's just 1-2 months left I would strongly suggest you just ditch the phone sex requests entirely and wait to do it in-person.

[sandy1234]

If it helps..I too at first dint like phone sex and all but my bf loved it. He wanted it most of the time but I dint. It was in the beginning of our relationship and wasn't conftable with him. The main reason I dint do it was because I wasn't conftable, I was insecure about my body, I thought I dint look good on camera that's what I thought.it was just some insecurities I had. But I never told my bf that he just thought I just dint want to have it or my sex drive was low. Try complimenting her when she sends you pictures, and just talk about how much you want to see her set body. That makes someone confident

[justwhoiam]

I think phone sex is not your problem.

Sufficient sex drive, the ability to surprise you and come up with ideas of her own (resourceful, enterprising), expressing and showing her desire for you is what you need. Complicity from your lover is what you need.

 

From what I read, she's more into complying. You set the frame for action, and she complies thinking she can't go wrong. You want the ironed shirt, she will give it to you. But I sense that you'll need to keep asking for things if you want to have anything. And that will get old very soon. You're already complaining about her personality. Her behavior reflects the way she is.

 

Does she have any passion? Anything she's very passionate about? I guess not. She sounds mild in general. The good thing with this kind of woman is that you won't get any drama. The downside is that you won't get the perks of a passionate woman.