Some men turned off by women who don't need saving?

[preraph]

I had a guy friend who had a good job but wasn't high on the physically attractive scale and wasn't doing well with women, was fearful and circled around them for way too long before making a move and often was working out of his league physically speaking. He once said something that just floored me.

 

He likes when he sees a woman driving an old beat-up car because he thinks that will make her find him more attractive because he is more successful than her. I don't think his reasoning was sound because she still has to find him attractive, plus it's not like he was driving a hot car, just a good reliable little car. But that's the type of "weaknesses" he would look for hoping it gave him an advantage, his version of looking for the lame gazelle. It didn't.

 

When he finally met his wife, he'd gone to a retro dance club and was focused on one woman, as he usually was, and the woman he ended up marrying and staying married to had to practically hit him over the head to get his attention. She asked him to dance and he said no because in his mind he was working up to asking the one he was focused on to dance. She had to practically pull him out of his seat and just force him to talk to her and dance with her. This is one reason why I always say not to get so focused on one person in the room, because you'll miss someone who might be interested. And I can promise you, most women will not be as aggressive and persistent as his future wife was that night. Most would have just gone away after that and wanted nothing more to do with him. You have to seize the opportunity when it presents itself, even when it doesn't fit into your obsessive plan you've been futily constructing.

[Emilia]

Agreed.

 

The men I know who need women to be weak are weak themselves.

Agreed. In both sexes they are the sort of people that crumble very easily and have no idea how not to. Usually ends up in power plays and cheap point scoring.

[Emilia]

When he finally met his wife, he'd gone to a retro dance club and was focused on one woman, as he usually was, and the woman he ended up marrying and staying married to had to practically hit him over the head to get his attention. She asked him to dance and he said no because in his mind he was working up to asking the one he was focused on to dance. She had to practically pull him out of his seat and just force him to talk to her and dance with her. This is one reason why I always say not to get so focused on one person in the room, because you'll miss someone who might be interested. And I can promise you, most women will not be as aggressive and persistent as his future wife was that night. Most would have just gone away after that and wanted nothing more to do with him. You have to seize the opportunity when it presents itself, even when it doesn't fit into your obsessive plan you've been futily constructing.

I don't know... To me the lesson seems to be that a woman shouldn't focus on a man who doesn't want her all that much. The fact that he married her considering how insecure he is, doesn't mean anything.

[GorillaTheater]

Wow...that's totally...wow! And these guys were well off attorneys/doctors? I was thinking that the kind of guys she would be dating or taking her in would be more of the backwater, trailer trash types, but doctors/attorneys?

 

 

I have the opportunity to interact with a lot of attorneys, as well as a lot of academicians. As a group, they're just as f*cked up as any other segment of society, the meth crowd probably but not necessarily excluded.

[tinkerbell16]

I have the opportunity to interact with a lot of attorneys, as well as a lot of academicians. As a group, they're just as f*cked up as any other segment of society, the meth crowd probably but not necessarily excluded.

 

Lol the two most f*cked up men I have dated were both doctors.

Serious issues... not small red flags. I am talking major red flags.

[GoodOnPaper]

Lol the two most f*cked up men I have dated were both doctors.

Serious issues... not small red flags. I am talking major red flags.

 

In my career as a chemistry professor, I have taught hundreds of pre-med students and I'd say that 95% of our top pre-med students are wound up so tight, I can't imagine them having what most people would consider a reasonably balanced outlook on life. Unfortunately, that's part of what it takes to get into and then through med school.

 

Of course, we academics have our own issues. The absent-minded professor thing is real! And then it's probably a miracle that any women would even be remotely attracted to how we can get fascinated by the most nerdy, arcane things.

[PrettyEmily77]

I'm not categorical on this, but I have an inkling that most people actually would prefer to be in a stable relationship. Unfortunately, once feelings are involved, it can be a little difficult to see things objectively and you unwittingly get embroiled in drama you didn't look for.

 

Drama addicts have issues of their own, whether they seek it or want to solve it for others (not in a professional sense, obviously). You can only save yourself in any case, so going all saviour mode on someone who is emotionally unstable is kind of a lost battle anyway - probably speaks more of the 'saviour' type of dudes as much as the 'Florence Nightingale' type of women, especially if it's a recurring issue.

 

So looking at it from the other side of the coin, a guy who would want to 'save' me would be a total turn-off at this point in my life - I'm fine as I am (mostly), I can look after myself, even if I don't really mind help carrying heavy furniture or fixing my car if the guy knows what he's doing (which isn't even a given in this day and age...) - in return, I could do stuff for him he can't do or would be particularly appreciated.

 

If there's no reciprocation, that's where there will likely be an issue.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I'm not categorical on this, but I have an inkling that most people actually would prefer to be in a stable relationship. Unfortunately, once feelings are involved, it can be a little difficult to see things objectively and you unwittingly get embroiled in drama you didn't look for.

 

Drama addicts have issues of their own, whether they seek it or want to solve it for others (not in a professional sense, obviously). You can only save yourself in any case, so going all saviour mode on someone who is emotionally unstable is kind of a lost battle anyway - probably speaks more of the 'saviour' type of dudes as much as the 'Florence Nightingale' type of women, especially if it's a recurring issue.

 

So looking at it from the other side of the coin, a guy who would want to 'save' me would be a total turn-off at this point in my life - I'm fine as I am (mostly), I can look after myself, even if I don't really mind help carrying heavy furniture or fixing my car if the guy knows what he's doing (which isn't even a given in this day and age...) - in return, I could do stuff for him he can't do or would be particularly appreciated.

 

If there's no reciprocation, that's where there will likely be an issue.

 

Yeah, I knew of a woman, dated a guy for a year...he was kind of a pack rat, so had a lot of disorganization in his house. She actually proactively cleaned his house every couple of weeks when he was at work (She had Fridays off).

 

After they broke up for other reasons...she said he was never around to spend time with her...and his weak argument that she heard through the grape vine of his friends..."She stopped cleaning."

 

She stopped cleaning because he hardly spent time with her and thus...stopped going to his home.

[carhill]

Some men turned off by women who don't need saving?

Certainly possible but very individual, both with the man and the particular woman, meaning one man could be globally or singularly turned off by a woman/women not needing saving, for that reason or any reason.

Was talking to a female friend of mine, single mother, in her mid 40s...she told me a lot of men she attempts to date loose interest in her because...or so she claims as I think this is just speculation on her part...that men are turned off by the fact that she doesn't need "saving".

IMO, that's a valid perception but she can't read their minds so is analyzing her behavior and theirs and forming conclusions. She could ask and get their opinion.

 

That, they are turned off that she doesn't need any kind of support from them as most men SHE's encountered prefer some kind of damsel in distress.

There is some traction to that due to male psychology of 'serve and protect'. This affects different men differently.

Of course, I'm wondering if this just another version of, "Men are intimidated by an independent woman.", but I am not aware of many men that are like this...anyone think men are more attracted to women that need "saving" or some kind of financial support?

IMO, it comes down to tone, for an otherwise healthy man. If he perceives the tone to be a stiff arm of her independence in his chest he certainly might stay away. If other, more inviting, even with all the other stuff going on, other.

 

My anecdote of this was a similar age, quite self-sufficient, grandmother who did just fine without me around but created an inviting and engaging environment, later loving environment, by which we grew intimacy. All the aspects of her independence weren't on the table in plain view, rather considered by her to be irrelevant to our interaction, just as I viewed my long independence and lack of 'need' as irrelevant. We had mutual 'want' to be together and that formed the glue which strengthened over time.

 

IMO, the lady in the example you posted simply hasn't met or been attracted to a compatible guy, all else being equal. If she's got that stiff arm out though, that IMO will thin her dating pool. People like to feel wanted even if not needed.

[ShatteredLady]

As a woman always be very, very careful of men who suffer from knight in oh so shiny armor syndrome. If the relationship works well & you get 'saved' what happens when the next distressed maiden comes along?!?

 

I remember watching a show on how many firemen, after 911, were 'supporting' widows & ended-up leaving their family's to save them....not realizing that they were 'breaking' their own wives & families. Ugh!!!

[SpiralOut]

I know someone like that. He used to date this woman who was dominant in the relationship and very controlling, or at least that's how he made her sound. I suspect that he went the complete opposite direction after that in order to avoid a similar situation. He has dated emotionally unstable women ever since then. The only somewhat normal girlfriend that he had did not last very long, as he lost interest quickly. His current relationship is with a real train-wreck of a woman. I doubt he'll get bored anytime soon.

[fireflywy]

As a guy, I don't know if I should respond to this thread and attempt to help the OP out of fear I may be labelled insecure or a worthless Loser JK

 

It all comes down to gender dynamic. Guys don't need to be treated like Dr. Phil but its always nice to be needed every now and then even if its something as small as reaching for something on a high shelf.

[Woggle]

I am sure there are some guys who are attracted to the damsel in distress, just as there are some guys who are attracted to a more independent woman.

 

I think we all like to feel needed to some extent. The problem I have noticed with many "independent" women is attitude. They often go out of their way to tell you how independent they are. They go out of their way to let you know they don't need you. Sometimes that attitude just gets old. I would rather date a woman that really needs me, and shows appreciation for what I do for her, than someone who makes sure it is clear how much she does not need me.

 

This right here. True independence is very attractive but often that kind of attitude is just a cover for awful personality traits.

[SOB86]

I like that my gf is independent but I hate that she has to constantly remind me like she's expecting applause or saying it to convince herself.

[MissBee]

In my career as a chemistry professor, I have taught hundreds of pre-med students and I'd say that 95% of our top pre-med students are wound up so tight, I can't imagine them having what most people would consider a reasonably balanced outlook on life. Unfortunately, that's part of what it takes to get into and then through med school.

 

Of course, we academics have our own issues. The absent-minded professor thing is real! And then it's probably a miracle that any women would even be remotely attracted to how we can get fascinated by the most nerdy, arcane things.

 

You're forgetting women academicians who are equally fascinated by nerdy and arcane things.

[MissBee]

As a guy, I don't know if I should respond to this thread and attempt to help the OP out of fear I may be labelled insecure or a worthless Loser JK

 

It all comes down to gender dynamic. Guys don't need to be treated like Dr. Phil but its always nice to be needed every now and then even if its something as small as reaching for something on a high shelf.

 

I would hope that in a relationship my significant other feels needed and appreciated because I chose to be with them, they're the one I call to talk about my day to or vent to or seek feedback from, I spend time with them and a host of actually more valuable things...reaching stuff on shelves is a really lame thing to feel needed by....I can easily get on a step stool...you should feel valuable and needed because of qualities about you as a person and the relationship itself that are hard to replicate and you choosing them to fulfill emotional, sexual and other needs rather than do random chores or insignificant tasks that you could sub in anyone to do. My man should feel valued and needed that I chose him for who he is and what I get from him emotionally, sexually, relationship wise and not because he is taller than me so can reach stuff...it seems silly to even think about it as something to feel valued over.

[NTV]

Was talking to a female friend of mine, single mother, in her mid 40s...she told me a lot of men she attempts to date loose interest in her because...or so she claims as I think this is just speculation on her part...that men are turned off by the fact that she doesn't need "saving".

 

That, they are turned off that she doesn't need any kind of support from them as most men SHE's encountered prefer some kind of damsel in distress.

 

Of course, I'm wondering if this just another version of, "Men are intimidated by an independent woman.", but I am not aware of many men that are like this...anyone think men are more attracted to women that need "saving" or some kind of financial support?

 

 

 

To be honest, it sounds like she has some sort of other giant red flag, and the men who don't want to date her anymore just say this as a kinda 'it's not you it's me' statement.

[tinkerbell16]

In my career as a chemistry professor, I have taught hundreds of pre-med students and I'd say that 95% of our top pre-med students are wound up so tight, I can't imagine them having what most people would consider a reasonably balanced outlook on life. Unfortunately, that's part of what it takes to get into and then through med school.

 

Of course, we academics have our own issues. The absent-minded professor thing is real! And then it's probably a miracle that any women would even be remotely attracted to how we can get fascinated by the most nerdy, arcane things.

 

Well nerds I can handle and don't mind at all a round of conversation about atom splitting or how a bit coin works lol

The guys had serious issues with boundaries, insecurities (despite appearances) and some of the worst ideas of how to value a woman.

 

It's as if all those years in school stunts their social development and maturation.

[Aurelian1960]

Totally agree with carhill. If she makes it a point to assert her independence at every turn, and, if the space created is filled with 'her independence' that is a deal breaker. You can be independent and not make it the centerpiece of your existence. I do not need a woman. I want the right one to share my burdens of life with. To act as each others support. To enjoy life together. To argue together and explore. I don't want a woman who wears her independence like a force field.

[mizunomead]

this is one of the more interesting subjects ive seen pop up on here. im not interested in saving anyone. but i think there is something to wanting to help out as a man.

 

a perfect small example. gf and i went to pickup some groceries, she instantly grabbed a cart and started loading food. i was just following along lol. after a few minutes i asked her if she qouls just like me to stand here and look sexy or maybe push the cart. she stopped, laughed, and said sure, look secy pushing the cart lol.

 

i qould have been fine not, but i felt a bit better feeling like i waa at least doing something useful lol.

[Wave Rider]

Yes! I've date several men who thought they could save me and when they realized I am very independent and don't need to be rescued things fizzled out.

 

So if a woman is fully independent, which means that she can meet all of her own needs without the help of another person, then why would she bother with a relationship? A relationship is a big hassle for someone who literally does not need anything from anyone. If you want a relationship, you're acknowledging some level of dependence on other people.

[Gr8fuln2020]

So if a woman is fully independent, which means that she can meet all of her own needs without the help of another person, then why would she bother with a relationship? A relationship is a big hassle for someone who literally does not need anything from anyone. If you want a relationship, you're acknowledging some level of dependence on other people.

 

A "fully" independent woman doesn't mean she doesn't want a man for companionship. I am a fully independent man, no need to be SAVED, but I WANT to be with a woman. I don't understand how being fully independent equates to not wanting a relationship.

[normal person]

So if a woman is fully independent, which means that she can meet all of her own needs without the help of another person, then why would she bother with a relationship? A relationship is a big hassle for someone who literally does not need anything from anyone. If you want a relationship, you're acknowledging some level of dependence on other people.

 

I'm not so sure it'd be a hassle, or even anywhere near the amount of hassle of being with a dependent, problematic person. Most people have a biological urge to be with another person and reproduce. You can't really do that by yourself. That's why even successful, independent people with no problems fall in love and get married. It doesn't really play into the idea of independence and dependence as much as some of the other things said in this thread. A partner with no problems in a life with no problems is just another thing that makes life even better, or complete, even.

[Sally_Creatively]

In my experience, there are some men who have the "white knight" syndrome. Just out there trying to save the world, one crazy woman at a time.

 

There are some men who can't deal with someone who doesn't need anything but time and love.

[LadyLike30]

Weak boys want dependent women, so he can look like a king in her eyes.

 

That's why I don't feel sorry for stupid. Yeah, they got a leech for life with nothing but time on her hands to idolize him, but eventually she'll eat him out of house and home because they are a burden and lazy. They look up to him to do everything. They can't and won't balance a checkbook, be organized. And with all the time on the couch worshipping him, they got no life and eat a lot of bon-bons. Eat a lot of bon bons and sit depressed on your couch. Tell me what happens then.