20 yrs with my mild mannered husband and he suddenly wants a divorce

[LilyMila]

First some background info on us. I met my husband in the summer of 1996. We both attended a summer program for nerdy kids. We hit it off instantly and decided on the last day of the program that we will continue to see each other despite the fact that we went to different highschools. We ended up going to the same college, graduate school, then he did a postdoc while I gave birth to two kids. We settled in a medium size town, bought a house. He had a good job and got several promotions.

 

I inherited my mother's temperament. I am impatient, easily frustrated, and a pessimist. I thought my husband was a good match for me because he is an optimist and mild tempered like my dad. Although my parents bicker over stupid stuff, I found out that my dad's security question answer was "I love my wife" when I was cleaning his office. He passed away unexpectedly two months ago from a very aggressive type of cancer. I thought we were like them and apparently we were not.

 

I would say we hit a very rough patch of marriage in 2013-2014, mostly due to me being depressed about lack of a job that utilizes my skills. I started a new job in 2015 and felt like my moodiness was improving and our marriage was improving. After all these years of moving, schooling, living on grad student's salary, and house remodeling. It seemed like our life is finally less stressful. I did notice a couple of strange thing, but contributed to my husband's temperament. In our 20 years together, he only initiated one thing before today. When we were still in highschool, he suggested that he will pick me up and we will go eat breakfast in IHOP, and then he will drop me off at my school. He has never made any decision like where we should go eat, vacation, start a retirement account, buy a house, put our son in kungfu class, etc. Imagine my surprised that the second thing he initiated was a divorce. There were no confrontation. He just calmly came next to me and said "I think we should do something this weekend. We should get a divorce".

 

Now he got that off of his chest. He started to be very cruel. It almost fits the spousal abandonment to the T. He is saying that he gave up on me back in 2012. My bitchiness is the reason he wants a divorce. He agrees that we don't have other problems like finance, politics, addiction, etc. Suddenly, this relationship has being 20 years of verbal abuse to him. He said he kept a log of all the things I said 4 years ago, and was planning to use it in the court of law against me, but decided to erase it. He went to all these troubles, but never once, he sat me down calmly and said "we have a serious problem, and we are getting a divorce unless we get counseling and you change". I was blindsided. I thought he at least loved me. Apparently, he doesn't, and I don't even deserve an ultimatum because he already abandoned me emotionally in 2012, and now he is finishing the physical part in 2016. Every day I have being packing lunch for a guy who couldn't wait to divorce me. What I thought was mild temperament was avoidance and lack of communication. He said I am over reacting, but I am all broken. My hormone is all over the place because I was also diagnosed with premature ovarian failure last year at age 36.

 

In retrospect, maybe I should have seen the signs, but like every surprised spouse in spousal abandonment, I was confidant in our relationship, our relationship since the age of 17. His mother was like a mother to me. We went through his brother's aneurysm and subsequent death together. We cried together when his other brother got addicted to heroine. My parents cared for her in the emergency room due to chemo complications and I cried in her arms when my dad passed away in May. Its so pathetic that she was the first person I called with the news. I don't get along with my own mother very well and she is still all broken from my dad's death two months ago. I just need to get things off of my chest.

[elaine567]

First thing that comes to mind is that your conflict avoidant, mild mannered "never makes a decision" husband is having an exit affair.

Men in 20 year marriages do not tend to leave of their own volition, unless they have another woman lined up. She forces his hand and gives him a push.

[BuddyX]

First thing that comes to mind is that your conflict avoidant, mild mannered "never makes a decision" husband is having an exit affair.

Men in 20 year marriages do not tend to leave of their own volition, unless they have another woman lined up. She forces his hand and gives him a push.

 

Agree. That is the majority. But there are outliers. I.e. Husbands wait till kids are grown up an then bail. They feel they owe it to them.

 

That being said, you seem to gloss over your characteristics and personality. No matter what happens in your marriage you need to look in the mirror. Are you a kind person to be around? Do you nag? Do you verbally abuse?

 

Gut says affair, but I wouldn't be surprised if he just had enough.

[LilyMila]

I think the straw that broke the camel's back was that he was on a flight a couple of weeks ago and flirted with this beautiful brunette. She was disappointed that he was already married. Maybe that opened his eyes. I thought we were honest with each other. He told me the story and we kind of joked about it. As for my personality, it is flawed, but we also have lot in common and I had qualities that he liked too. He was adamant that he didn't have an affair, but also said "would it make you feel better if I had".

[carhill]

Thank him for his clear and concise communication and that you'll expect a process server presently.

 

Then sit back and see what happens. If you want to work on some of the issues he brought up, OK, but do that for you and your own health. The marriage will continue or end regardless.

 

IMO, I wouldn't speculate. Go with what you know.

[BuddyX]

Let him be then. If he was smitten by a female in a matter of few hours, and you had 20 years with him, then this might be a lost cause.

 

Time to reflect. Focus on you and your kids.

[LilyMila]

First thing that comes to mind is that your conflict avoidant, mild mannered "never makes a decision" husband is having an exit affair.

Men in 20 year marriages do not tend to leave of their own volition, unless they have another woman lined up. She forces his hand and gives him a push.

 

We are not married for 20 years. We married after graduate school and that was 2007. We had been together since 1996 and lived together since 2001. Regardless, its a long time, to be with someone who apparently wanted me gone for years, but never communicated.

[BuddyX]

You will get into a disagreement with him about whether he actually told you and you weren't paying attention. Don't fall for that. Rise above it.

 

From what you wrote, you're husband is a passive laid back person who, according to him, finally stood up for himself.

[anika99]

Your husband sounds conflict avoidant with poor communication skills. You are correct that he should have told you a long time ago that he was unhappy and it was a big problem.

 

All that being said, are you sure he didn't ever try to tell you his feelings? I've gotten fairly outspoken with age but when I was younger I was also mild mannered and tended to go with the flow. I remember occasionally trying to communicate my feelings to a loved one, like my parents or my SO, only to be immediately shut down. They had come to expect me to always go along with their wants, to always listen to their needs, to always listen to their complaints but never complain myself. Whenever I tried to express some need or unhappiness they would respond by either dismissing whatever I said as being dumb or trivial or they would lash out at me in anger and I would retreat. Later, when I distanced myself from these overbearing people, they claimed that I never told him how I felt. Not true. I did tell them and they chose to ignore what I said because they were so certain that they could be as indifferent to me and my feelings as they wanted and I'd still stick around.

 

On the other hand, I would also be suspicious of an affair in your husband's case. Maybe not a physical affair but perhaps someone he has formed an emotional attachment to. Do some digging. Don't bother asking him because of course he's going to deny it. If there truly is no affair then maybe give him some space as he is obviously very angry and after he cools off a bit suggest marriage counselling.

[Marc878]

Check your phone bill. Immediately.

[LilyMila]

He is not angry, emotional, or even feels sorry about this. We had a rough time in 2013 or 2014 , but apparently when that happened, he had already checked out. We bought the house in 2011 and he is saying now that 2012 was the year that he stopped loving me. We went to London in 2013, Jamaica in 2014. There were chances for serious talks, but he was mute. We just vacationed two weeks ago in San Diego with an old highschool friend who we both knew. We were also gamers in our younger days, but only sporadically play nowadays. He said I don't pay attention to him and yell at him. I do pay attention to him, maybe not in the way he wanted. I went with him to get an endoscopy because he was having chronic heartburns and it could be a sign of something more serious. The only house choir he has to do is unload the dishwasher because I am constantly thinking that his job is more stressful than mine, so I should do more. He did his first load of laundry today and was asking me about how to use the detergent. He was the one who didn't say anything about my father's death, my early menopause, my depression. I guess those were the signs. The thing is that he was mute at the start of our relationship and he was mute up until yesterday. I thought that's just him being him.

Edited August 6, 2016 by LilyMila

[Jersey born raised]

First: he is re-wrting martial history to justify his actions. In your situation or those who are going though the pain of adultery it is the first thing the Wayward Spouse does. It always leaves the Betrayed lost and confused preventing themselves from protecting themselves!

 

This is not a reasonable situation, you need to detach, be like a doctor treating a stage 4 cancer patient. This is your starting point

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce

 

Detach, get the paperwork done and then figure out what happened

[hotgurl]

He is not angry, emotional, or even feels sorry about this. We had a rough time in 2013 or 2014 , but apparently when that happened, he had already checked out. We bought the house in 2011 and he is saying now that 2012 was the year that he stopped loving me. We went to London in 2013, Jamaica in 2014. There were chances for serious talks, but he was mute. We just vacationed two weeks ago in San Diego with an old highschool friend who we both knew. We were also gamers in our younger days, but only sporadically play nowadays. He said I don't pay attention to him and yell at him. I do pay attention to him, maybe not in the way he wanted. I went with him to get an endoscopy because he was having chronic heartburns and it could be a sign of something more serious. The only house choir he has to do is unload the dishwasher because I am constantly thinking that his job is more stressful than mine, so I should do more. He did his first load of laundry today and was asking me about how to use the detergent. He was the one who didn't say anything about my father's death, my early menopause, my depression. I guess those were the signs. The thing is that he was mute at the start of our relationship and he was mute up until yesterday. I thought that's just him being him.

 

But can he talk to your. Or you approachable or would you just bite his head off.

 

In you OP you say your mom and you have similar personalities and later you say you don't really have a relationship with your mom. Why is that?

 

My mom is the same nothing is ever good enough, fast enough. She is a pessimistic it just wears you down after a while. But if my dad left tomorrow she would be totally shelled shocked where we would all wonder what the hell took him so long. You can't talk to her. Are you the same?

[Mr. Lucky]

My mom is the same nothing is ever good enough, fast enough. She is a pessimistic it just wears you down after a while. But if my dad left tomorrow she would be totally shelled shocked where we would all wonder what the hell took him so long. You can't talk to her. Are you the same?

 

Reading the OP's description, had the same thought.

 

"impatient, easily frustrated, pessimist, flawed, bitchiness, depressed"

 

LilyMila, these are your own words to describe yourself. Only his passive nature allowed him to survive 10 years of marriage, I wouldn't have lasted 10 months.

 

His lack of disclosure is a sidebar to the real issue - you'd have to be a person he'd want to stay married to. Focusing on "you didn't tell me" simply reinforces his perception of your contrary nature.

 

In other words, there's a real problem here for you to deal with. I haven't seen any discussion on your part as to when and how...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

From a purely pragmatic, nuts and bolts perspective, my advice is to get a lawyer and start working on the divorce to ensure that you get your fair share of the marital assets.

 

Take him for his word that he is serious and done with the marriage. Believe him. Accept it. Take the time, energy and money that you may be tempted to put into "saving the marriage" and save your divorce instead.

 

IMHO when the passive, do-nothing, go-with-the-flow guys say they are done and are exiting stage left, they usually mean it.

 

However they may take their sweet time doing it. They divorce like they do everything else in life - one step at a time whenever they feel like it. ....which can take them a few more years.

 

If you don't feel like sitting in limbo wondering if he's really going to do it, then do like you've done with everything else the last 20 years and take the bull by the horns and do it yourself.

 

Get a lawyer, draw up a divorce plan, file on him, get the divorce and move on with your own life and leave him sitting on the couch perusing his magazines.

 

Your marriage has been on your terms with him just coasting along, might as well divorce the same way. This way you may even get the better amount of the D.

 

Divorce usually favors those who act the most quickly and decisively.

[beatcuff]

My mom is the same nothing is ever good enough, fast enough. She is a pessimistic it just wears you down after a while. But if my dad left tomorrow she would be totally shelled shocked where we would all wonder what the hell took him so long. You can't talk to her. Are you the same?

 

i agree with the above and other BUT why are we all black and white: if he wants a divorce give it to him. for such an introvert it might be his poor attempt to get your attention. in his mind he has been 'yelling' there is a problem for years. while in reality he never actually said anything close to it.

 

i have a similar M, in that if i have a problem i will say it. My W, well lets just say i have to read, re-read then interpret every action, reaction... you get the point. in our case, if i sit her down and say 'we need to talk' it does all come out.

 

i suggest you ask for MC. maybe what he is looking for is for you to fight for the M. at the very least it will hopefully 'all come out' at which time you can enter IC and either correct/adjust your attitudes (a life-time of lessons from your parents will be a huge hurdle) or to find someone that can actually handle your personality.

 

BTW if he insists the M is over, ask for him to go to your IC sessions (as needed) if only because with children you two will have to still work together (forever).

[LilyMila]

Update:

 

I finally convinced him to try marriage therapy and sadly this is much worst than I anticipated. I wish there were some more concrete problems that we can resolve through therapy, but it is not the case.

 

He scored moderately high on the Toronto Alexithymia scale test. He has no emotional attachment to me or anyone else. He probably never loved me in the 20 years we have been together. He went along with the relationship because he thought he loved me. For 20 years, I kept making excuses for him that he was just an introvert so he doesn't show affection like normal people. It all make so much sense now. He never compliments me. Doesn't like to cuddle and be affectionate. Never took a photo of me without me asking. Never initiated any heart to heart talk.

 

He is still physically attracted to me, but he has no emotional needs. He keeps saying that he still has a strong desire to be alone. I read accounts of women who are married to people with alexithymia and it feels like reading my own story. I can't believe something this bizarre and painful is happening in my life. Sadly, life does not give any rewinds and do overs. I told him that I wish I never met him so I would have been ignorant of his existence and his response was "that's a reasonable thing to say".

[Satu]

From a purely pragmatic, nuts and bolts perspective, my advice is to get a lawyer and start working on the divorce to ensure that you get your fair share of the marital assets.

 

Take him for his word that he is serious and done with the marriage. Believe him. Accept it. Take the time, energy and money that you may be tempted to put into "saving the marriage" and save your divorce instead.

 

IMHO when the passive, do-nothing, go-with-the-flow guys say they are done and are exiting stage left, they usually mean it.

 

However they may take their sweet time doing it. They divorce like they do everything else in life - one step at a time whenever they feel like it. ....which can take them a few more years.

 

If you don't feel like sitting in limbo wondering if he's really going to do it, then do like you've done with everything else the last 20 years and take the bull by the horns and do it yourself.

 

Get a lawyer, draw up a divorce plan, file on him, get the divorce and move on with your own life and leave him sitting on the couch perusing his magazines.

 

Your marriage has been on your terms with him just coasting along, might as well divorce the same way. This way you may even get the better amount of the D.

 

Divorce usually favors those who act the most quickly and decisively.

 

^ This ^

 

Exactly this.

[carhill]

I told him that I wish I never met him so I would have been ignorant of his existence and his response was "that's a reasonable thing to say".

 

OK, as our psychologist so wisely opined, 'you have a decision to make'.

 

You can take the advice to file for D immediately and decisively, forcing him into the respondent role and under the time gun. You can wait for him to file, extending the partnership period where either of you can waste the partnership without penalty. You can suggest mediation. You can continue therapy separately or adjunct to any other choice. It's up to you, and him. You know your desires and goals better than anyone here. What do you want, accepting the real here and now?

[LilyMila]

He already filed for divorce on August 8th after breaking the news to me on August 5th. California divorces take a minimum of 6 months. He has no lawyer and has not serve me with the paper. He is not as adamant about the divorce as before, but what can be done about personality disorders? There is no finding love again when he never loved me in the first place. His decision to be with me was and is a very robotic one. He likes the sexual aspect of the relationship, but there is no emotional side for him. Its very hard to wrap my head around this because most people, myself included, think sexual and emotional sides are intertwined in a marriage.

 

I am scared to start life over at 37. We are both highly educated and live a comfortable upper middle class life which seems perfect to outsiders. I have made some sacrifice for him in my career (moving to a medium size town with no biotechnology industry), therefore, he now makes 3 times more than me. Until August 5th, he was also my emotional support, what I thought was my soulmate, and the person I can trust 100% no matter what. All of that are gone. We don't have anger or resentment now. Its all out in the open, the only thing left is overwhelming sadness.

[carhill]

That was over a month ago, past the time period for answer. I'd check with the court if you haven't been served. At our court, also Cali, the clerk required a method of service to be entered when filing the FL100. My exW chose the sheriff and I was served within three business days of the filing by a nice gentleman with a gun and a badge. I then had 30 days to file an answer with the court, or leave the lawsuit subject to motion for default and summary judgment on the filing, or MSA. We chose MSA and, yup, nothing could happen at the court regarding dissolution until the six month cooling off ran regardless of agreements or filings. You can get everything handled and filed and request judgment by mail when the time runs and it's pretty easy. We didn't even go to actual court, though did go to the courthouse (clerk of the court's office) a number of times.

 

If in doubt, check with the court. They're the official source for that stuff.

[elaine567]

He is not as adamant about the divorce as before, but what can be done about personality disorders? There is no finding love again when he never loved me in the first place. His decision to be with me was and is a very robotic one. He likes the sexual aspect of the relationship, but there is no emotional side for him. Its very hard to wrap my head around this because most people, myself included, think sexual and emotional sides are intertwined in a marriage.

 

I guess he is not so adamant about divorce as he realises his diagnosis may make it difficult for him to find another woman, someone who will put up with him long term.

He probably thought he was perfectly "normal" and put all the blame on you for the state of the marriage.

Now, when it is found that he is actually the one with the serious psychological problem, you are looking a lot more like a saviour to him than anything else.

[Satu]

I find apathy and passivity in men a big turnoff.

[Mr. Lucky]

He probably never loved me in the 20 years we have been together. He went along with the relationship because he thought he loved me. For 20 years, I kept making excuses for him that he was just an introvert so he doesn't show affection like normal people. It all make so much sense now. He never compliments me. Doesn't like to cuddle and be affectionate. Never took a photo of me without me asking. Never initiated any heart to heart talk.

 

Until August 5th, he was also my emotional support, what I thought was my soulmate, and the person I can trust 100% no matter what.

 

Pretty hard to reconcile these two descriptions of the same person ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Cephalopod]

Did your husband know he has this personality disorder you describe until he was diagnosed? If he did not' how can you hold that against him and accuse him of defrauding you?