20 yrs with my mild mannered husband and he suddenly wants a divorce

[BlueIris]

I don’t think she said he defrauded her.

 

 

OP, I’m so sorry that this happened to you, though it’s good that you know about his condition. I hope that it empowers you to know and that you feel at least some relief.

 

I hope that he doesn’t attempt to take advantage of you now that he also knows his impairment, as elaine said. He might see your sadness about divorce and be opportunistic about it. Take care of yourself.

[Aloneuk]

I totally understand your relationship with your H, mine is very similar and has also scored highly on the Alexithymia test.

 

I love him, he's a good man - loyal, hard working, honest. But I have always missed that intimate connection that you get in an equal relationship. I have always been the driver of what we do, when we do it, he seems unable to organise anything relationship wise. He knows how much it would mean to me if he could but its like that part of his brain is missing. Its our first wedding anniversary this week(together 8 years) and he organised nothing and cannot understand why I was disappointed.

 

I am lonely in our relationship and I don't have the sense that its me and him together, more like we live together and love each other in our own way but there is no emotional glue holding us close.

 

I hate to say it but I think if your H is initiating D, that long term you will find more fulfilment (on your own or with a future partner) than remaining in your relationship. I think your dominant personality throughout your relationship made you take charge (nothing wrong with that) so it was easy for him to hide his issues. And it is easy for you to put them down to a man being unable to express his emotions, when actually it was much more than that. As he is alexithymic, he will not struggle with the end of a relationship in the same way we will. He will mourn it from a practical (and sounds like sexual) sense, but as he never experienced emotional intimacy with you, there is nothing to miss.

 

If you do meet someone else in the future, I feel it will literally be like a whole new world of emotion and more of an equal relationship than you had with H. Which will be so much better for you than what you have now.

 

All the best

[Bufo]

Please read and heed what Carhill has thoughtfully written. In lawyer speak a court decree is valid only if the case is properly before it. And that happens when the defendant is served with the summons and complaint. Giving the defendant (you) the opportunity to be heard in court.

 

If he never files a paper telling the court (truthfully or not) that you we're serve the divorce complaint on such and scuba day the court should dismiss the case. Leaving you married. If he does file such a paper then the default clock starts to to tick. And the court will enter a default judgment of divorce. But unless you were served with proof in the court file that judgment can be set aside.

 

The official court file will tell the story.

 

You need to see a lawyer. For several reasons beyond what the court file contains. In brief custody, visitation, support, asset division debt division, and pension division. And to make sure any judgment conforms to California law.

 

No matter how fair he claims or wants to be, do it yourself is not the way to get divorced when children and assets are involved. Getting a lawyer doesn't mean there is a contest. It's a way to make sure it's done right.

 

Your biggest issue is whether or not you want a divorce. Living with someone incapable of love isn't something most people would want. Ask me how I know.

[elaine567]

Living with someone incapable of love isn't something most people would want. Ask me how I know.

 

I have a feeling that alexithymia is far more common than we would all like to think it is.

 

I am sure the OP is not the only one who filled in the gaps in their relationship by making up excuses and assuming love and care. The reality is that here her SO truly didn't care, or did not even have any comprehension of what love really means and had no capacity for real love.

He was just a robot going through the motions.

 

Again it is an example of writing a love story in the head, and trying to fit real life around it, ignoring the bad bits and emphasising the good bits and persuading yourself it is all good, until one day...

Edited September 12, 2016 by elaine567
grammar

[hl1962]

Update:

 

I finally convinced him to try marriage therapy and sadly this is much worst than I anticipated. I wish there were some more concrete problems that we can resolve through therapy, but it is not the case.

 

He scored moderately high on the Toronto Alexithymia scale test. He has no emotional attachment to me or anyone else. He probably never loved me in the 20 years we have been together. He went along with the relationship because he thought he loved me. For 20 years, I kept making excuses for him that he was just an introvert so he doesn't show affection like normal people. It all make so much sense now. He never compliments me. Doesn't like to cuddle and be affectionate. Never took a photo of me without me asking. Never initiated any heart to heart talk.

 

He is still physically attracted to me, but he has no emotional needs. He keeps saying that he still has a strong desire to be alone. I read accounts of women who are married to people with alexithymia and it feels like reading my own story. I can't believe something this bizarre and painful is happening in my life. Sadly, life does not give any rewinds and do overs. I told him that I wish I never met him so I would have been ignorant of his existence and his response was "that's a reasonable thing to say".

 

Alexithymia, need to read up on it. Describe exactly my H whom I want to divorce, but he's trying all mighty to save the marriage of 25 years. In his case, his FOO had high power on him. When he knew I wouldn't leave because the kids were young, he either said nothing or complained, criticized of me all the time, in addition to the total negligence. You are only in your 30s. Be brave! I'm in my 50s, and not afraid. I'd rather be alone, but I won't be, friends on the tennis court, choir...

[Rockdad]

Sounds to me like the guy should receive an award for putting up and surviving 20 years of it.

[elaine567]

Sounds to me like the guy should receive an award for putting up and surviving 20 years of it.

Read the rest of the thread.

[Bialy]

WOW! I've read through this entire thread. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know this minor comment might not mean much to you right now, but you are only 37! You still have so much life to live, even after this is all said and done. Don't fall into the mental trap regarding age. 37 is young!

 

Be glad that is coming to light now instead of 5, 10, 15, 20 years down the road. I couldn't imagine how hard it is to live with someone emotionally hollow.

 

Just please keep remembering - you are only 37 - and you have so much time ahead of you.

[Mr. Lucky]

Again it is an example of writing a love story in the head, and trying to fit real life around it, ignoring the bad bits and emphasising the good bits and persuading yourself it is all good, until one day...

 

Well-said. But one has to realize there's a danger in excessively romanticizing the partner's role in the relationship, it can make you blind to some very real issues. If you're labeling as your soulmate someone who won't hug, cuddle or interact with you, that's putting yourself in a dangerous position...

 

Mr. Lucky

[notbroken]

Honestly, it seems you 'got your personality from your mother', and your husband is 'emotionally shallow' according to a test many (if not most) men would likely score like that. That pretty much lets you off the hook for any behavior you may have had. You are absolved of all responsibility. Sure sounds like that from your posts.

 

Sure he wasn't just conflict avoidant and beaten into submission for years and finally just had enough? How does that test really change the way he was treated in the past? It sounds like he is done. As in all breakups, it may make sense to understand your role so you don't make the same mistakes twice. Not dwell on them - that won't fix history. Understand your role and move forward.

[LilyMila]

Where did I say that I am free from faults? If I really think I should be absolved of all responsibility, then I would have left off any self criticism in telling my story. My husband has no emotional attachment to me while I have strong emotional attachment to him. He was like that from the beginning. I didn't beat him into that state of emotional disconnect. The reason he consented to therapy is because he said I brought up some good points. He is not taking advantage of me nor am I beating him into submission. Our therapist is using Gottmans approach on finding love again and I am heart broken knowing that maybe there isn't anything to be found.

[LilyMila]

I guess he is not so adamant about divorce as he realises his diagnosis may make it difficult for him to find another woman, someone who will put up with him long term.

He probably thought he was perfectly "normal" and put all the blame on you for the state of the marriage.

Now, when it is found that he is actually the one with the serious psychological problem, you are looking a lot more like a saviour to him than anything else.

 

He is not as adamant about the divorce because he consented to couple's therapy to see if our situation can change. One of the big difference between us is that I think about the past and worry about the future and he only focuses on the present. I asked him what he will do if we get a divorce and he said that he will just hang out with the kids. He doesn't think that far ahead, when the kids are teenagers and have their own life. He is also not thinking about any long term relationships, only the possibility of casual relationships.