Found out my husband has aspergers

[elephant101]

Dear Loveshackers,

 

I feel that I have found myself in a very complicated situation. I met my now husband two years ago and moved city to be with him last November. We married in March this year. I found out 3 weeks before we married that he has aspergers. Signs were not obvious before the marriage but they sure are now.

 

This week I have has our second miscarriage. When I realised it was happening he went into emotional melt down. We were away at the time and because he was not handling it well I insisted we went home.

 

The next morning I was cramping so I made an emergency doctors appointment and work him up to tell him. He went back to sleep so I went alone. I decided that he obviously couldn't give me the emotional support I need so I went to stay with my mum. His has since told me that he doesn't want to talk to me and needs some space. I completely bewildered and confused.

 

I am worried what my rights are, should he or I decide to not stay in the marriage. My name isn't on the Mortgage and I gave him a substantial amount of money when I sold my house to be with him. The money was to finish home renovations.

 

I'm terrified that a, he's never going to speak to me again. And b, if we do decide to not carry on the marriage I won't be I titled to any money from the house, thus being left high and dry.

 

Anyone had any experiences like this I would be glad to hear stories.

[basil67]

Big hugs to you - I'm so sorry to hear of your miscarriages. I'm glad your mother is there for you.

 

To be honest, I'd be getting legal advice. Thing is, even if your husband does come good (and odds are he will come good when his meltdown ends) what type of partner will he be long term if he can't be present for you through life's tough spots?

 

Hang in there.

[GreyKitten87]

Dear Loveshackers,

 

I feel that I have found myself in a very complicated situation. I met my now husband two years ago and moved city to be with him last November. We married in March this year. I found out 3 weeks before we married that he has aspergers. Signs were not obvious before the marriage but they sure are now.

 

This week I have has our second miscarriage. When I realised it was happening he went into emotional melt down. We were away at the time and because he was not handling it well I insisted we went home.

 

The next morning I was cramping so I made an emergency doctors appointment and work him up to tell him. He went back to sleep so I went alone. I decided that he obviously couldn't give me the emotional support I need so I went to stay with my mum. His has since told me that he doesn't want to talk to me and needs some space. I completely bewildered and confused.

 

I am worried what my rights are, should he or I decide to not stay in the marriage. My name isn't on the Mortgage and I gave him a substantial amount of money when I sold my house to be with him. The money was to finish home renovations.

 

I'm terrified that a, he's never going to speak to me again. And b, if we do decide to not carry on the marriage I won't be I titled to any money from the house, thus being left high and dry.

 

Anyone had any experiences like this I would be glad to hear stories.

 

I see two separate issues here; one is dealing with your husband's aspergers and two dealing with the aftermath of a miscarriage. First, I am really sorry about your loss and I feel really bad about your lack of emotional support from your husband (that's basically my husband and it makes me very unhappy so I can't even imagine how devastating it must be during this time for you).

 

Now, yes he is a man and supposed to be strong along with all the other gender stereotypes out there. I don't know the background of your relationship, but could it be that he doesn't know how to react and handle this difficult situation? It's a defense mechanism to retract and push people away, which he is doing. He's the husband and man of the house and there's nothing he can do to solve this situation so he likely doesn't know what to do or how to support you right now. You lost a baby, but so did he. Was the baby planned? How did he react to you being pregnant, he is probably at a loss and very hurt over the miscarriage and doesn't know what to do now.

 

I would give it some time. You are both hurting right now. Focus on yourself and your health for now. Yes it's devastating that he wasn't more supportive after the miscarriage by maybe something good can come out of this in the future and bring you closer together with time.

 

Have you already discussed the possibility of of divorce with him? Or is it that in this moment you just don't see another option? If you haven't yet then I would wait and give it time before having that conversation.

 

Again, I'm sorry for your loss and good luck on your marriage moving forward. Don't give up!!

[elephant101]

It has been 5 days since the miscarriage, he has totally stone walled me and refused communication. I am living out of a bag at my mums and he is in the marital home.

 

His behaviours have become more intense since we were married. I wish Id had tme to research this before, or had a glimps of things to come. I did ask his parents for help on several occasions but they refused to help me. I did go the doctors for information but he told me I had cold feet and was exhausted from all of the organising. So I married him. I wish I hadn't.

 

For him, yes there are two issues here. Miscarriage and his mental health issues. For me there are far greater. My mental health, miscarriage, future with an aspi, coping in a city with no support should things become intense again, housing, trust, the prospect of not having children (also complicated- should I knowingly bring an aspi child into the world knowing they could have the condition/ deal with their father?)

 

I also had a miscarriage last year. For the most part he was fantastic.

 

I feel that i need to protect my rights, so I need legal advice which I'll get ASAP.

[JeremySParadis]

I feel sorry for you and I know this has been a tough time for you. But I think you should seek some legal advice in this case. Its better if you take some good advice because in such cases only a lawyer can help you out.

Edited August 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Miss Clavel]

Dear Loveshackers,

 

I feel that I have found myself in a very complicated situation. I met my now husband two years ago and moved city to be with him last November. We married in March this year. I found out 3 weeks before we married that he has aspergers. Signs were not obvious before the marriage but they sure are now.

 

This week I have has our second miscarriage. When I realised it was happening he went into emotional melt down. We were away at the time and because he was not handling it well I insisted we went home.

 

The next morning I was cramping so I made an emergency doctors appointment and work him up to tell him. He went back to sleep so I went alone. I decided that he obviously couldn't give me the emotional support I need so I went to stay with my mum. His has since told me that he doesn't want to talk to me and needs some space. I completely bewildered and confused.

 

I am worried what my rights are, should he or I decide to not stay in the marriage. My name isn't on the Mortgage and I gave him a substantial amount of money when I sold my house to be with him. The money was to finish home renovations.

 

I'm terrified that a, he's never going to speak to me again. And b, if we do decide to not carry on the marriage I won't be I titled to any money from the house, thus being left high and dry.

 

Anyone had any experiences like this I would be glad to hear stories.

 

doesn't the fact that he let you miscarry his child alone speak volumes?

 

get a lawyer. pronto.

 

i was not on the mortgage in my last house. i was however on the deed/title. cuz i'm clever.

 

and you need to be clever too. i would not be able to get past him letting me miscarry my baby alone, but, if you can forgive him and you stay with him you are going to have to get financial things in order.

 

legal papers drawn up that protect you financially.

 

you will have to protect yourself emotionally.

 

 

good luck

Edited August 16, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[GunslingerRoland]

He seems pretty traumatized right now... it's not unusual for a situation like that to cause depression and a bit of a breakdown in someone whether they have Aspergers or not. I'm not saying he's handling things well or appropriately, but he is your husband, and isn't it a bit early to be jumping to talk about divorce?

[Whoknew30]

First, I'm extremely sorry about your miscarriage.

 

2nd, have you looked anything up about Autism? Have you had extensive conversations with your H. A diagnoses doesn't change who he is, all it did was make you aware of why he has certain behaviors. You were dealing with Autism before he got the label. IMO, I think your upset about your miscarriage more than anything...your hormones are off & you're in mourning. Someone in the spectrum isn't going to handle emotion like a nuerotypical person. You need to study it & talk to someone that is experienced & really talk things through with him as clear & to the point you can.

 

Anyone saying call a lawyer has no experience with Autism...getting upset with a Autistic bc of the way they handle emotion, is like Getting mad at a paraplegic bc they can't walk to you. It is beyond their control. Good luck

[Whoknew30]

Also, no one can turn their Autism on & off...which tells me as soon as you heard the word "aspergers" you changed how you saw him...not that "signs really started to show"...that's not how it works. Autism mom, that isn't just around my son but around a lot of other autistics...they're doing away with the term aspergers & its just high functioning Autism...BTW

[BettyDraper]

It's not fair to walk away from a spouse just because they have an illness.

I completely understand why you are upset with your husband because of his reaction to your miscarriage. However, you need to be aware that Asperger's makes it very hard for someone to communicate emotions even in the best of times. Your miscarriages was likely extremely overwhelming for your husband and that's why he's being so cold.

 

My husband is a math wizard and he was also raised in a very cold WASP family. Because of some of his inappropriate comments and behavior, I have often expressed concern that he may have Asperger's. My husband has no interest in seeing a psychiatrist so we have handled his challenges on our own. After being married for five years, he has changed dramatically in terms of understanding why some reactions are not well received as well as the need for conversation in a marriage. He will always be introverted but now he is far more affectionate and caring.

 

Please take some time to learn about Asperger's before finding a lawyer. Marriage counseling is needed and maybe some books about the condition and a support group could be helpful for you.

[RecentChange]

Speak to an attorney. Regarding the property, it depends on the state, I know in CA at least a "married man" cannot mortgage, sell, or otherwise encumber a property without spousal consent. Even if you were on title (we would require a Quit Claim deed from a spouse before ever treating property as sole and seperate to one of the spouses, even if the marriage is after the property acquisition).

 

Also, again here, the courts would consider the funds you have invested into the home.

 

I am sorry you are having to deal with a miscarriage in all of this. It must be quite traumatic - but do you really want this man to be the father of your children?

 

It sounds like you married someone you hardly know.

 

Two years? Married after what, 5 months living in the same city, and now attempting for children? Why the rush?

[LivingWaterPlease]

Also advising you to speak to an attorney about your financial rights.

 

Whether he has aspergers or not, the fact that you gave him a large sum of money to buy a home you're no longer welcome to live in is an issue only an attorney can address.