Is this abuse?

[Lost76]

I have been with my girlfriend for a couple of years now. She drinks at least half a bottle of wine a night (sometimes more, up to 2 bottles), and some nights when we go to bed, she will be drunk and pick a fight with me.My family does not like her and she holds it against me, keeps me up some nights until 1-2am throwing insults at ME because my family doesn't like her. I told her I am with HER and they have no say in the relationship, but that never works.

 

When I ask her to please let me sleep, she will either not stop or will just say "fine" and then mutter mean things under her breath at me, then when I get upset she will claim she's not saying things TO me, just thinking out loud. The next morning she will claim she never said those things and was probably talking in her sleep so it's no big deal.

 

Sometimes I get fed up and tell her if she does not let me sleep, I will go home to my house and sleep. She either accuses me of running from the argument, or, if I actually get up and get my clothes on to go home she will do some nasty things. Once she threatened to take a bottle of pills and kill herself. A few times she has physically blocked the door so I couldn't leave the bedroom. One time I tried to move her (not hit or shove, as I know that would be considered abuse on my part), and she screamed I was hitting her so that her kids would hear it. One time, as soon as I sat up to get up and leave, she threw her arms around my neck from behind and put me in a choke hold.

 

Once I got out the door fast enough and she followed me, and when I opened my car door, she jumped in the driver's seat so I couldn't get in. I had to call the police and they completely sided with me and forced her to go back in the house. I was told by her friend that calling the police was ridiculous of me.

 

Sometimes when we have an argument, she will punch a wall or scrape her knuckles on the pavement until they bleed. She blames the alcohol for all of the above, and claims that it's ridiculous that I call it abuse, and says that her kids think I'm crazy for calling it abuse.

 

Also, I know she had cheated on her ex husband numerous times and I have a hard time trusting her. A couple of times I caught her in a lie about hanging out with another guy, and I caught her in a text conversation with another man who was telling her to leave me for him - a conversation that went on for a week yet she never told me about. Once I took her out and she asked another man to buy her a drink, right in front of me. She can do all this, but if I say even two words to another woman she gets angry with me. I'm afraid to even make idle chitchat with female coworkers now. If she had her way I'd never be able to speak to another woman again, I'm sure.

 

People, some of them friends, treat me like I'm overreacting, and sometimes I feel like it's because I'm a guy. Many of my extended family who never met her in real life but are Facebook friends with her tell me she's great and things aren't so bad. Some people tell me to just sock her one if she acts up but I will NEVER hit a woman. I feel so alone sometimes and wonder if this is just the way a relationship is, since some people tell me "eh, every relationship has its problems", but I have never had a friend tell me they've had to call the police on their SO or have been put in a choke hold. Am I going crazy? Is this abuse?

Edited August 6, 2016 by Lost76

[Arieswoman]

Yes this IS abuse and you need to end this association NOW.

[Lost76]

Thank you so much. I have been working on an exit strategy for a few days now. I appreciate it.

[anika99]

Oh my gosh! Yes! this is both physical and mental abuse and it will end badly for you unless you get yourself away from her right now! This woman is sick and her kids think it's okay because they have been taught that her sick dysfunctional behaviour is normal. Her kids need counselling. Her friend thinks her behaviour is okay because your gf aligns herself with other f*cked up people.

 

 

Get away from this relationship as so many things could go badly for you. She will either have you falsely arrested, saying you abused her, or worse she will get you cornered and you really will hurt her and she'll be calling the police so fast it will make your head spin. Even if neither of those things happen she is still emotionally and mentally damaging you and the longer you stay the more damage she will do to you. Please get yourself out of this situation.

[Taramere]

People, some of them friends, treat me like I'm overreacting, and sometimes I feel like it's because I'm a guy. Many of my extended family who never met her in real life but are Facebook friends with her tell me she's great and things aren't so bad. Some people tell me to just sock her one if she acts up but I will NEVER hit a woman. I feel so alone sometimes and wonder if this is just the way a relationship is, since some people tell me "eh, every relationship has its problems", but I have never had a friend tell me they've had to call the police on their SO or have been put in a choke hold. Am I going crazy? Is this abuse?

 

Well I certainly think it is.

 

Years back, I was harassed by a guy I worked with. When I tried to confide in people at work who I trusted, I got the "oh that's just X...he's a bit touchy-feely at times."

 

This guy's behaviour escalated. I didn't want to get embroiled in talking to HR about him or putting in a grievance, but fortunately things got better as I generally asserted myself more in that workplace (plus he got on the wrong side of one of my family members). Then he switched to other people...who suddenly began taking my previous attempts to talk about him a lot more seriously. It's often the way. People don't tend to take to take stuff like that seriously until you've dealt effectively with it without their assistance - and they find themselves on the receiving end of it, and in need of your help.

 

I think generally people don't want to get involved in these situations, and would rather you just brushed them under the carpet so that they personally don't have to feel bothered by any of it. It's stressful and upsetting to encounter that, but the reality is that if people don't want to get involved or don't want to listen to your problem - which is what "you're overreacting" might really mean in this situation - then there's not much you can do about that. That doesn't mean you should allow their lack of interest or support to lead you into accepting abusive treatment, and I'm glad you are forming an exit strategy since the obvious solution to this is to finish the relationship.

 

If you have formed a strong bond with her children as well as with her, that might well be a big wrench emotionally...but look at the facts of this. She's drinking to excess, which fuels (and, it seems, provides excuses for) her abusive behaviour. No sign of her being invested in dealing with that. If the children are young, I'd be very concerned about her welfare.

 

The fact that they seem to regard her behaviour as pretty normal is telling. It's also very worrying. If they've been on the receiving end of her abuse, part of their indifference towards the way she behaves to you might well stem from their perception of "well, he's a grown up. He doesn't have to put up with it. He has options for leaving that we don't have." Actually there's no if about it. The fact that she deliberately exposes them to your rows, self harms in front of them etc would be regarded by child protection professionals as very clear cut examples of emotional abuse.

[Lost76]

Thanks everyone. She doesn't expose them to everything - the self-harm, for example, but she has been drunk in front of them very frequently and they usually brush it off with "mom, you're silly" because most likely that's what they're used to.

 

I remember once her, her youngest son and I drove 4 hours to her sister's birthday party. She got kicked out - by her own family - after 2 1/2 hours for being drunk and acting like an idiot, so we all had to pack up and leave. Her son saw it all and was the one comforting her when she made it all about her, playing the victim role. Deep down I knew it was absolutely her own fault but didn't want to say that in front of the kid. Part of me thinks they're scared to say anything to her, but I can't make it my business. The bond I have with them is going to be extremely difficult to break. I may even have to leave without saying goodbye and hope down the line they'll forgive me.