I can't get over my sisters husband! ***Updated***

[Weezy1973]

OP, he seriously has no interest in you at all. This is the only life you have, why waste another minute on someone who wouldn't date you even if they were single? You're just wasting time and energy. I had an ex who wasted seven years pining over one of her exes. What a freakin' waste of time. Emotions are what they are, but they usually don't have as much meaning as we think they do. This isn't some romantic, tragic story. This is you wasting your life in somebody that never will want to be with you. Ever.

 

Stop being a coward and go have a life of your own.

[MrDuck]

This might be devils advocate but..

 

Family is great, i value it, i know its important BUT if it gets to the point that being around your family is detrimental to your own happiness and having a negative effect on you then it isnt a good thing anymore!

 

It'd be great to have this perfect little family, great parents, a close bond with your siblings BUT if that isnt your reality then at some point you have to stop pretending and start putting yourself first.

 

Your relationship with your sister isnt amazing and seeing her and her fella has a negative effect on you. So why keep putting yourself in that situation? You dont have to! Who are you doing it for??

 

James Bay: "you don't have to wear your best fake smile. Don't have to stand there and burn inside... if you don't like it"

[Just a Guy]

Hi Robbii, having read your posts I've got to say that you have a massive problem on your hands. You are living in a time warp. As some have already said this is something beyond infatuation it is an obsession. From what you've written it sea you are still living in the she small town where you went to school if I've got it right. Also if I'm not mistaken this is somewhere in Ireland( from a snippet of information you let slip some posts ago). If that be the case I would suggest that you shift borders and move to another country like, say Canada or the US or maybe even Australia so that you are as far physically from your sister and her husband as you possibly can be.

 

I do not know what your professional qualifications are or what work you do, but whatever it is you do I am sure you can find useful employment in any of these other countries. The further away you are from your sister and her husband the less likely you are to think of them, or, more particularly, your BIL. You may want to get some hypnotic therapy to help you overcome your obsession. The proximity to your BIL is also likely to tempt you to have an affair with him. That would be disastrous. Just think about how you can change things around and also pursue aggressively, a relationship of your own to overcome this problem. Cheers.

[Robbii]

go on some dates, find a boyf, you owe it to yourself to try, broaden your horizons

I'm not opposed to going on dates, although I have never online dated. I have had boyfriends, my most recent ex was probably my most serious, we were together almost 3 years and broke up about just over a year ago.

I was happy with him (for most of the time), I loved him, but being with him, or nay of my previous bf's, never changed my feelings for BIL.

 

Your relationship with your sister isnt amazing and seeing her and her fella has a negative effect on you. So why keep putting yourself in that situation? You dont have to! Who are you doing it for??

True true. I probably will give them space and start to distance myself somewhat. Its just easier.

But i would hate to cut contact completely because my other family relationships, with my parents, my cousin, my little brother, even with my niece and nephews, are positive relationships and do make me happy. I wouldn't want to lose that completely.

 

It sucks because I dont want to feel like this but i do and so if i have to fade away somewhat then thats what i have to do, but its a self preservation thing, not because i dont want contact with the rest of my family

[Robbii]

From what you've written it sea you are still living in the she small town where you went to school if I've got it right. Also if I'm not mistaken this is somewhere in Ireland( from a snippet of information you let slip some posts ago).

Yep and yep.

I did move to the city for a while, but after my sister & BIL moved to South Africa I ended up moving back home. ((Not BECAUSE they moved away, for various reasons, including work and some poor health in the family, and i was spending more time at home and just realised I missed it there))

 

If that be the case I would suggest that you shift borders and move to another country like, say Canada or the US or maybe even Australia so that you are as far physically from your sister and her husband as you possibly can be.

Moving far away like that is an option.. I have thought about it since they moved home.

On one hand its hard because it isn't really something on my radar, it isnt a choice id make if it wasnt for this situation, it feels a bit like i'm giving up my whole life and running away.

BUT on the other hand its not like these feelings are just going to go away, and i guess kind of like MrDuck said if I'm not happy anyway what am i really losing..

 

Its still tough though. I'm actually quite a homebody, travelling isnt something thats really ever been my thing.

 

You may want to get some hypnotic therapy to help you overcome your obsession.

Does this stuff actually work.

 

The proximity to your BIL is also likely to tempt you to have an affair with him.

God, he wouldnt want that. He's mad for her!

 

and also pursue aggressively, a relationship of your own to overcome this problem. Cheers.

Like I said above, I have had relationships, and whilst ive been happy in them, they've never been the golden answer to this predicament. Theyve never taken away my feelings for BIL

[Just a Guy]

Hi Robbii, thanks for addressing the points I had raised. If what you are now saying is written in stone then I think you need some serious psycho therapy. Hypnotic psycho therapy is one of the tools that psychiatrists use and it is helpful in hard boiled cases like yours. However you would have to find someone really experienced in the field who could help you. If you Google Dr. Brian Weiss you would get to know what I am talking about. Warm wishes.

[Robbii]

If what you are now saying is written in stone then I think you need some serious psycho therapy. Hypnotic psycho therapy is one of the tools that psychiatrists use and it is helpful in hard boiled cases like yours.

Yeah, I will start some counselling again and then take it from there. I've booked in a session week after next and I'll see how that goes.

 

I guess the thing is that seeing him as nice or attractive Isn't an issue in itself. Like I say my cousin will nonchalantly say he's "eye candy" in front of my sister and its no big deal. My mum will say that "he's everything she'd want in a husband for her daughter" and then joke that "he's everything she'd want in a husband for herself too" and everyone will laugh, even my dad!

 

He is objectively a really very handsome man, and an exceptionally nice man too. I guess my problem is, for me, i'm not looking at him "objectively", i am invested.

My cousin might think hes eye candy, but I'm sure her stomach doesn't flip every time she sees a photo of my sis & BIL

[MrDuck]

I was happy with him (for most of the time), I loved him, but being with him, or nay of my previous bf's, never changed my feelings for BIL.

That's a though scenario for any guy! Your always going to compare him to your BIL

 

But i would hate to cut contact completely because my other family relationships, with my parents, my cousin, my little brother, even with my niece and nephews, are positive relationships and do make me happy. I wouldn't want to lose that completely.

Fair play... but these You need to fill your life so your not dependent on these relationships AND so that these realtionships dont revolve around your sister & BIL. I barely ever speak to one of my brother about our other brothers gf (or even for that matter, about our other brother) we have other stuff to say to each other about our own lives.. The way you type you kinda make it sound like your whole family revolves around them?

[Springsummer]

Wow............your sis must be something! for a guy like that to be so crazy about her.

 

just wow...

[mikeylo]

OP, you are behaving like a 5 year old who has no self control and as if you are the one who is being wronged.

 

Get into intensive therapy before you ruin lives

[Lei Ping]

To an extent I can, but I think it looks a bit pointed if i do that too much. Me and my sister aren't close but I don't want to cause problems by looking like I'm trying to avoid her. Plus now shes back in town my cousins won't want to do stuff without her being there, and her husbands very popular with the family, they want him around!

 

 

True. But I guess at least then I could be mad at him, haha!

 

Why not just give him some and hope that he sucks in bed?

[Robbii]

That's a though scenario for any guy! Your always going to compare him to your BIL

Yeah I know! I really try to make a conscious effort not to do this, but to a certain extent I probably do.

 

The way you type you kinda make it sound like your whole family revolves around them?

I didn't mean too. It doesn't. They are big characters, they ave a gorgeous family, they've travelled but I certainly dont feel any less successful, I've had a successful career, I've started my own business and i'm proud of all that.

Obviously right this moment the whole family are very focused on them because they've just moved home, and obviously my little nephew needs his familys full support right now!!

But i didnt mean to make it sound like everyone is totally obsessed with them or anything haha!

[Robbii]

Wow............your sis must be something! for a guy like that to be so crazy about her.

 

just wow...

 

Haha I guess so! Nah, she's alright really, she's alright!! Especially these days.. I did think she was a pain in the neck when I was younger!

 

He said to me once, yearsssss ago, at our cousins 21st i think, so I would of been 19, that didn't i think it was a shame me and my sister weren't closer (he is super close to his brother & sister). I didn't really say much something about him always seeing the very best in everyone (which he does, always), and Liam said along the lines of "when you look for the good in someone you'd be surprised how often thats all it takes for them to let you in and then might just see whole other side to them! Your sisters got the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met, she just doesnt make it public knowledge!"

 

That always stuck with me cause that was the moment i remember feeling like her and him were really going to last, like long term and not just be some teen romance.

 

OP, you are behaving like a 5 year old who has no self control and as if you are the one who is being wronged.

Get into intensive therapy before you ruin lives

 

I dont think thats particularly fair!

 

I've never ever caused them any problems whatsoever!

I never caused a fuss when she started dating him, I never told anyone how I felt, I've attended family functions, I was happy for them on there wedding day, I love my niece and nephews and my dad can't fly so I was on the first plane to SA with my mum when my nephew had his accident!

 

However I feel inside i've always striven to do the right thing!

[MrDuck]

Why not just give him some and hope that he sucks in bed?

 

Wow and I thought I was playing devils advocate! :lmao:

[Kamille]

Oh wow, I remember the guy I crushed on when I was 13. That was an intense crush. I didn't know how to go about it. That poor guy too! My thought bordered on obsessive. How has your crush evolved since you were 13?

 

Most of us have an advantage on you. Those first intense crushes are no longer in our lives.

 

So I'm trying to imagine a scenario where I was dealing with the intensity of a teenage crush for the rest of my life: what a nightmare. I think you're handling it well, considering. But it saddens me that you never got the chance to get over your first crush. I think the intensity of a first crush is hard to beat. I think it's likely healthy for us that most us lose sight of our first crush at one point (either by dating them and breaking up with them or with life taking us on different paths). The only thing that comes to mind for me is the option you're considering: an attachment therapist could likely help you deal with the years of emotions you've built around your brother and law and sister.

 

And... You say you and your sister aren't close. My sister and I weren't as teenager, but are now very close. Do you think the fact you are trying to keep your distance from him is hindering your relationship with your sister?

[Mystique01]

Unrequited love SUCKS OP. I know....I've been there before. I've never had a crush on any one of my sister's bfs, nor her husband (Thank GOODNESS!). I think just knowing that they are someone special to my sister would turn me off instantly lol.

 

But anyway......

 

Like others have mentioned, you HAVE to turn this crush off. I think some idealization might be going on as well. I think you're in love with the "fantasy" of him, rather than the REAL him. He may seem "perfect" in your eyes, but I'm sure your sister has some stories about how she hates when he leaves his dirty socks on the floor, or forgets to put the toilet seat down, etc.

 

I honestly just think you're "in love" with the "image" you have created in your head of him. 15 years is a LONG time to have a "crush" on someone you're not dating, nor have ever dated. I think you have built him up to be so much more in your mind than he actually is.

 

 

 

Definitely seek out therapy, and find out why you are focusing on a man who is unavailable to you. Could it be in some way you are emotionally unavailable? I always find it interesting when we become obsessed with people we know we can never have. Ask yourself, is the fact that he's unattainable part of the attraction? Like, maybe it started off as a cute little crush, but now it has grown into something bigger?

 

If I were you, I would research and look up the term "Limerence" on Google. It might be eye-opening for you.

 

 

Oh and PS----If I were you, I would probably remove the names in some of your posts. What if some of your friends (or worse, one of your family members) were perusing this board and read your story? You have enough clues and actual NAMES in your posts in order for them to figure out who you are. I'm just saying.....

[Robbii]

Hey, sorry for the late reply, I've been away.

 

Oh wow, I remember the guy I crushed on when I was 13. That was an intense crush. I didn't know how to go about it. That poor guy too! My thought bordered on obsessive. How has your crush evolved since you were 13?

Right!

Well obviously we've both grown up and things have changed since I was a teenager.. I don't doodle his name in my notepad, or read into everything he says to me, I don't listen to love songs on repeat and think of him.

In some certain ways its better than when I was young, now I actually really enjoy his company, even though i know its wrong and i feel ever so guilty about it, theres a part of me that enjoys family functions more because he's there... Sometimes in the moment, when I'm with him I feel really happy! He has that effect on people. Where as when I was younger I was SO nervous around him, i could barely speak to the guy, let alone be around him!!

 

Most of us have an advantage on you. Those first intense crushes are no longer in our lives.

So I'm trying to imagine a scenario where I was dealing with the intensity of a teenage crush for the rest of my life: what a nightmare. I think you're handling it well, considering. But it saddens me that you never got the chance to get over your first crush. I think the intensity of a first crush is hard to beat. I think it's likely healthy for us that most us lose sight of our first crush at one point (either by dating them and breaking up with them or with life taking us on different paths). The only thing that comes to mind for me is the option you're considering: an attachment therapist could likely help you deal with the years of emotions you've built around your brother and law and sister.

I thin this is exactly it. I think the thing as well is when your young your crushes usually aren't always particularly well judged. I think a lot of the time you end up projecting on to this person all these things you imagine them to be and building them up in your head to be perfect. Then eventually you realise they are not!

(Most of the relationships I've had haven't started with a super intense crush because i think generally as an adult you're more realistic about other people, you see there flaws as well as there charms and you fall for them more slowly)

I think the thing with BIL is it seems to have turned out to be (probably more by fluke than judgement) a very well placed crush. In all the years I've known him he's never done anything to knock himself off that pedestal I put him on when I was a kid!

The guy has flaws, sure, he couldn't be on time if his life depended on it, sometimes he's so laid back he's practically horizontal, he's very unorganised, he doesn't like to plan anything... There not terrible flaws really, just things that would drive me batty in a relationship, but not things that would outway all his great qualities... his sense of humour, his generosity, kindness, loyalty, courage & easy confidence.

Point being if i met the guy afresh today, and he'd never laid eyes on me or my sister before. I'd come home and be like I have just met my perfect guy!

 

And... You say you and your sister aren't close. My sister and I weren't as teenager, but are now very close. Do you think the fact you are trying to keep your distance from him is hindering your relationship with your sister?

Ahhh I don't know really, I guess I never will.

You know i really did used to think she was an awful person, and i must of meant it at the time but we were so much younger, it wasn't all her fault.

She was a bit of bitch granted, but i probably was over sensitive, particularly back then. I used to think she was just an idiot and never considered she was going through her own stuff, which of course she must have been, doesn't everyone after all?

We are VERY different people, and our relationship probably benefited from the fact we don't have to live together anymore haha!

I certainly dont hate her anymore, she's mellowed a lot since being with him and becoming a mum, and i know that if i ever really needed her I could call and she'd be there.

When my nephew was hurt and me and mum flew out to be there, i was sat with her in the hospital and it was the first time i've seen her cry since we were like 10 and 11, and the first time we've properly hugged in god only knows how long. I thought then that i'm sure she must think that I don't care and I don't make any effort because I keep this distance and she'll never know that for them, because i don't want to cause problems and i want them to be happy, her to be happy! Even when we were teenagers i'd of never tried to break them up or anything, he makes her really happy, the happiest I've ever known her, and i want her to be!

 

She's my sister, and i love her, but whether we could have ever been close, even without all this, i don't know! And at the end of the day i never will. Cause her and him are a package deal!

[Robbii]

I think just knowing that they are someone special to my sister would turn me off instantly lol.

Which I think its how it should work! Like my cousin will say he's hot and stuff but I know she wouldn't ever feel like i do, most likely because he is my sisters man. But i was already into the guy when she started dating him, so its different.

 

I honestly just think you're "in love" with the "image" you have created in your head of him. 15 years is a LONG time to have a "crush" on someone you're not dating, nor have ever dated. I think you have built him up to be so much more in your mind than he actually is.

Right this is kind of like i was just saying above.. I do totally understand your point, but i do feel like i have a pretty well rounded picture of the guy, which i think in a way is what makes the feelings stronger.. i don't think hes perfect but i think he would of made me happy and i have first hand proof that he would have been a good husband and a good father.

 

Definitely seek out therapy, and find out why you are focusing on a man who is unavailable to you. Could it be in some way you are emotionally unavailable? I always find it interesting when we become obsessed with people we know we can never have. Ask yourself, is the fact that he's unattainable part of the attraction? Like, maybe it started off as a cute little crush, but now it has grown into something bigger?

I, don't know, I don't know. On paper it sounds stupid to say you'd be more attracted to someone you cant have, but i know it is a real thing some people struggle with.. It definitely isnt consciously something that comes into play, but I dont know.

 

If I were you, I would research and look up the term "Limerence" on Google. It might be eye-opening for you.

Hmmmm... It could be! Damn!

 

Oh and PS----If I were you, I would probably remove the names in some of your posts. What if some of your friends (or worse, one of your family members) were perusing this board and read your story?

Yes you're right that would be bad

[Just a Guy]

Hi Robbie, what! You're still here?? Why have'nt you found your BIL's perfect double yet? However, seriously, you've been given a lot of good perspectives and advice on your thread but you seem to be unable or unwilling to break out of this mental or emotional prison you've created for yourself. It's almost as if you are enjoying your incarceration and don't want to do anything to break the spell!

 

As I said before unless you drastically change things around you will not be able to break out of this fantasy web you've created for yourself. It must be obvious to your logical mind that your situation is inherently unhealthy and that you need to wake up from this dream that you are clinging on to. If that be the case then you have to rouse yourself to action. What you have to learn to do is to break this powerful spell that your BIL's persona has created in your mind. As others have said, you must see a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist to help you heal and get back on a normal keel. However, for that to happen you have to have a strong motivation to move forward. I had suggested regression therapy under a qualified psychologist or psychiatrist. This therapy is carried out under hypnosis. I wonder if you even looked it up. In fact, to me you already seem to be in a hypnotic spell from which you do not seem able to break out. You are growing older by the day and unless you do something for yourself, you are likely to end up a bitter old spinster, resenting her sister for having stolen her beau from under her nose. It's all up to you! Cheers.

[Mystique01]

I, don't know, I don't know. On paper it sounds stupid to say you'd be more attracted to someone you cant have, but i know it is a real thing some people struggle with.. It definitely isnt consciously something that comes into play, but I dont know.

 

No, it's never a CONSCIOUS thing. It's always a subconscious thing. Many times people don't even realize that they are gravitating to unavailable people until they always see themselves in the same types of relationships, or they find themselves attracted to the same types of people. It can be someone EMOTIONALLY unavailable, or just someone unattainable (ie. in a relationship already, married, the person doesn't want a relationship, etc.).

Either way, the problem is with the individual who has the feelings for the unavailable/unattainable person.

[Robbii]

Hey!

So i'm back after a long time a way, because I feel like i need to put a conclusion on this so i can maybe finally get my closure.

 

Bottom line is a week ago, i had my D-day of sorts.. everything came out! My mum had this grand plan for me to give my sister a job, despite the fact that my sister has never worked in remotely my line of business, and the fact that the only reason she thought it was a great idea was to give my sister more flexible hours, which is just not fair, i have a business to run. I said no. And then I come off looking like the 'bad guy' to everyone, and I'd just had it to breaking point, im soooo over this whole 'ah you never help your sister out / cut her any slack' when i feel like ive spent my whole like "cutting her slack" and i plastered on my best fake smile and stood aside for her time after time while i watched her with him since i was about 16 years old.

 

It was the straw that broke the camels back i guess, and the words were all out of my mouth before I could stop them. Which was a million times worse because my mum & dad were there along with my aunt, cousin & her beau.

I was past caring though, i was so in the moment, and I didnt stick around for the fall out i went straight home and turned my phone off.

And then proceeded to instantly hate myself for everything i'd said.

 

Then about 8pm, i get a knock on my door, it was my sister and i told her to go because i couldnt fight with her tonight, that i just couldnt! She said 'she didnt want to fight with me either, but she wasnt going anywhere so i better let her in', so i did.

I've seen my sister in full temper before but i knew it would be blatantly obvious from how i looked that i'd been crying all afternoon so i hoped maybe she'd hold back a little, but what she actually said took my breath away..

She said "I'm sorry" Which i dont think ive heard her say since we were forced to shake hands and make up as 8 or 9 year olds.

"i'm sorry. I'm sorry that I was never kind to you when we were kids, that i didnt lookout for you when the other kids at school gave you a hard time, I'm sorry that i always took up so much of mum and dads time, to the point they didnt even notice you were struggling, and that i always made everything about me and never considered you.

I'm really sorry that I went after Liam when I knew that you'd always liked him, and I'm even more sorry that to start off with I only flirted with him because I knew you liked him/

But most of all, i just want you to know that I'm sorry I have never been the big sister to you that i should of been, the kind you deserved!"

 

I was super shell shocked! I didnt say anything!

She said "I want you to know I love him, so so much. I dont say it all the time, but he is the best thing that ever happened to me, god knows he saved me, and I love him more than life!!

I swear I had no idea that you were ever that serious about him, or that you still felt like that!"

 

I told her that "I never ever wanted to cause trouble for you guys, i wanted you to be happy"

 

She said "Yeah, i know that dumbass, If you'd wanted to cause trouble you wouldnt have waited 20 years to do it! I don't think you hate me that much!"

 

I said "I don't hate you Blair, I love you, you're my sister" (because its the truth)!

 

She said she loved me too, and that "normal people would probably hug now.... we could try it... if you want?"

 

And i hugged her like i've never hugged her, and she stayed for hours and we talked and talked, and hung out like we never have!!

 

ANDDD...... I feel SO much better! Like instantly!!! As soon as i woke up the next day, i thought about everything and it felt a bit ridiculous! Like i do still like him, I think hes attractive and I think hes a wonderful man, but i also think he's her man, and for the first time ever thats a bit of a turn off for me!!!!!! I cant believe that maybe this whole thing was more about HER than HIM but i feel like a fog has lifted! Now when i think about them as a couple i think about how well suited they are, and at the end of the day if he is the right man for her than he never could have been the right man for me, it seems so obvious now!!

They are very happy together but when i think about the lifestyle they've had: the constant travelling, the harebrained schemes, the risk taking, the endless social functions, lots of kids. It would never of been the lifestyle i'd of wanted, I would have been trying to change him into someone he wasnt. Him and her make perfect sense.

 

And i guess that means its time for me to try and get on with my life!!!!!!!

[grays]

Wow! Thats really awesome! Woot! ☺

[Robbii]

Wow! Thats really awesome! Woot! ☺

 

I do feel silly that it took so long, and that i wasted so much time, not talking about these issues to the only people i really needed to talk about them too, BUT mostly i just feel like a weights lifted!

[Shepp]

I love a good resolution post I hope that this is the closure you need!

[Springsummer]

Thanks for the update. wow. what a story. great it turns out good for everyone.