I can't get over my sisters husband! ***Updated***

[Robbii]

The title sounds bad, I know!

 

I'm from a small town, everyone knows everyone, that sort of place. Ever since school, and we're talking like 13 years old I had a crush on this guy in my class (I'll call him Max).

 

My sister is one year older. We're not close, we never have been. I don't mean i hate her, i don't, i love her shes my sister. But if we weren't sisters, we would never have been friends. If the chips were down and i really needed someone to bury the metaphorical body, i'd call her, and i know she'd come. But we have very little in common and as kids growing up it was worse. She's my opposite in so many ways, if I'm a little shy, maybe a little sensitive and can be a bit of a push over (all things i've worked on as i've got older), then she's a powerhouse, our dad would call "feisty", and she can definitely be insensitive in the name of being honest!

 

When we were teenagers she almost got herself kicked out of school but ultimately they let her choose to repeat year 11 instead. Which put her in the same class as me for our final year. And of course the same class as Max.

They hit it off really quickly and became an item and I let it be!

 

There was nothing i could of done about it and what would have been the point. I'm not putting myself down by saying he never would of looked at me like that anyway, its just a fact. I'd already known him for years and during my school teen years I was much shier than I am now and he was Mr popular, captain of all the sports teams. He was always nice to me, but he's a really charming guy, always smiling, I don't think I've met anyone who has more likeability factor.

 

Anyway, I'm sidetracking, It hurt like hell to see them together all the time, at school, at home, to have him around all the time.

I didn't actually think it would last, she didnt want to be tied down by anyone or anything, would only refer to him as her "friend" even though the whole world knew they were dating. But i guess he mellowed her somewhat because 15 years & 3 kids later they're still happily together.

 

So I never told a sole how i felt, my best friend knew i liked him but i lied and told her i was over it. I went to their wedding and smiled away. I was happy when their kids were born.

I'm not a horrible person! I didn't want this, i tried to do the right thing. It is so hard still to see them together, so i distanced myself even though it meant distancing myself from my family.

Then they went to live in South Africa so it was easier.

 

Still though I never really got over him, I've had other boyfriends but still whenever i see Max it all comes rushing back, the butterflies, the feelings, its like a school girl crush that never went away. I've dated other guys, perfectly great guys, but for some reason my stupid heart is set on him.

 

Then they moved back to Ireland in May. They are actually going through a tough time as a family, their eldest son had to have a BKA after an accident and ultimately that was the reason they moved home.

 

Now like I say I don't want to be a horrible person, me and him can never ever happen so I don't want to feel like this! My mum is giving me grief because obviously shes really involved with Blair at the moment and supporting her, and she thinks i should be more involved and supporting them more since they moved home.

Which i guess i should. But its just so hard. And i thought distancing myself was the right thing to do. Now i don't know!

Likewise I've been pretty close to my parents since my sisters been away and its hard that i feel like now I'm kind of losing them by having to remove myself..

 

I don't know if I'm even doing the right thing! I guess I'm just venting really! Id love to be able to switch my feelings off but i just cant.

I honestly am happy for them, i want them both to be happy. But i still feel a little sick when i think too much about them being together like i did at 16.

[Weezy1973]

Unrequited love sucks. But you have to get over it. Honestly, you're ruining your own life. Stop wasting that emotional energy.

[Robbii]

Unrequited love sucks. But you have to get over it. Honestly, you're ruining your own life. Stop wasting that emotional energy.

I wish I could just turn it off, get over it! Put my focus into a relationship of my own, be able to have the relationship with my family I'd like!

I just don't know how!

 

I've done everything they tell you..

I've gone out, joined groups, dated other people. I've tried lots of contact. I've tried cutting contact. I've hung out with friends. I've focuses on work.

 

And there is still just something about him that I just can't get out of my head. I shut it away and then everytime I see him, it all comes back.

I'm stood there like 'god he's beautiful' and at the same time like 'that's your sisters husband! Get a grip!'

[spiderowl]

I am so sorry, really. It must be very hard to have to keep putting instinctive feelings aside like this. I honestly don't know what you could do, other than what you are already doing. Perhaps see him as the guy who chose your sister over you (therefore not the nice guy you prefer to think he is) - maybe that would help? But yes, I can see it's difficult.

 

At some level your heart is still open to this guy. How do you close it? I don't know. It sounds as if you know he's not available and never will be, so it's not that. Maybe you could ask yourself why you are still open to him at some level? Maybe there is some idealisation going on there. Idealising someone and actually having to live with them all the time is a different matter. A few hurts and arguments can change your view of someone. I suppose never having had that chance makes it more likely you can still keep this picture-perfect view of him. Imagine him being angry with you because you are too tired to get up with the kids first. Imagine him neglecting you while you deal with the housework alone. Maybe this would dissipate some of that idealism.

 

I can see you are trying to protect yourself by keeping a distance from him and your sister's family. If that's what you need to do, then why not? Families are not perfect either.

Edited August 7, 2016 by spiderowl

[Timshel]

Write a letter to your sister as your 16 yr. old self. Tell her how you feel about her as your former/younger self and how you feel about her dating your crush.

Let your thoughts and emotions tumble out with no inhibition, no fear of consequence.

 

Write this all out, read it back to yourself and then burn it (safely.) Sit quietly while it burns and watch the ember, flame and smoke.

 

He will always be your sister's husband in both his and your family's heart. Divorce or death (forbid) won't ever change this.

[Springsummer]

 

At some level your heart is still open to this guy. How do you close it? I don't know. It sounds as if you know he's not available and never will be, so it's not that. Maybe you could ask yourself why you are still open to him at some level? Maybe there is some idealisation going on there. Idealising someone and actually having to live with them all the time is a different matter. A few hurts and arguments can change your view of someone. I.

 

Agreed. Deidealization is the key to get over a guy. It's hard, but, probably is the only way.

[Aniela]

I wish I could just turn it off, get over it! Put my focus into a relationship of my own, be able to have the relationship with my family I'd like!

I just don't know how!

 

I've done everything they tell you..

I've gone out, joined groups, dated other people. I've tried lots of contact. I've tried cutting contact. I've hung out with friends. I've focuses on work.

 

And there is still just something about him that I just can't get out of my head. I shut it away and then everytime I see him, it all comes back.

I'm stood there like 'god he's beautiful' and at the same time like 'that's your sisters husband! Get a grip!'

 

Has no other man been that kind to you? I have a certain fondness for someone I knew when I was younger - he was really kind to me, and my sister, and was a friend of mine. We spent a lot of time together, but it was only later that I realized he might have liked me, not just as a friend. I was always teased about it. He's happily married now, but I've always looked for that kindness in someone. He really liked women, not just for what they could provide in entertainment/personal pleasure.

[Popsicle]

I recommend watching the movie "Like water for chocolate". It's one of my favorites. It's on Netflix.

[Springsummer]

There is nothing you can do, except to endure. That's life. That's me right now, in a different situation.

[Robbii]

Thanks guys! To be honest it feels good to just talk about it and acknowledge that it is and issue!

[Robbii]

I am so sorry, really. It must be very hard to have to keep putting instinctive feelings aside like this. I honestly don't know what you could do, other than what you are already doing. Perhaps see him as the guy who chose your sister over you (therefore not the nice guy you prefer to think he is) - maybe that would help? But yes, I can see it's difficult.

Thank you! I half felt like i was going to get seriously bashed for putting this out there! Sometimes it makes me feel like I mush be an awful person for feeling the way I do but i never asked to feel like this, i dont want to.

 

Maybe you could ask yourself why you are still open to him at some level? Maybe there is some idealisation going on there. Idealising someone and actually having to live with them all the time is a different matter. A few hurts and arguments can change your view of someone. I suppose never having had that chance makes it more likely you can still keep this picture-perfect view of him. Imagine him being angry with you because you are too tired to get up with the kids first. Imagine him neglecting you while you deal with the housework alone. Maybe this would dissipate some of that idealism.

Yeah i get that. I think in a way thats whats made it so hard. Lots of people have crushes in there teens, and then those people fade out of your life and the memory fades (which isnt possible with him) or you crush on a celebrity or something that you never actually know. Maybe you imagine a whole life with them, but in the end its just fantasy, you dont know them, you probably re idolizing them and life with them wouldnt actually be like that.

But with him I get a pretty good picture of what life with him would be like. He's not just my school girls crush, we've all grown up since then, but he's grown into a really awesome husband, he dotes on my sister and he's a really active dad.

 

I can see you are trying to protect yourself by keeping a distance from him and your sister's family. If that's what you need to do, then why not? Families are not perfect either.

Right true, and i guess thats what i'll have to do again..

It just sucks though, not so much not seeing my sister, but having to distance myself from my parents is hard because I'm close with my mum. Plus there's always anniversaries and Christmases and stuff, which should be happy times but i always find pretty hard.

 

Write a letter to your sister as your 16 yr. old self. Tell her how you feel about her as your former/younger self and how you feel about her dating your crush.

Let your thoughts and emotions tumble out with no inhibition, no fear of consequence.

 

Write this all out, read it back to yourself and then burn it (safely.) Sit quietly while it burns and watch the ember, flame and smoke.

 

He will always be your sister's husband in both his and your family's heart. Divorce or death (forbid) won't ever change this.

Thank you! I will try that!

Like i say there are issues in my relationship with my sister anyway, irrespective of anything to do with her husband. But I guess thats just families isnt it, we're very different people.

 

Has no other man been that kind to you? He's happily married now, but I've always looked for that kindness in someone. He really liked women, not just for what they could provide in entertainment/personal pleasure.

Erm, I guess when we we're 16 he was a real gent, he's a friendly guy, and a kind guy, and for someone so popular as a teenager it never went to his head, he was always very humble and very nice to me, and to everyone.

We've all grown up since then and other men have been kind to me since, ive had boyfriends since, one in particular was a very nice guy. But none of those guys ever, i dont know, set my heart on fire the way he does.

I actually like him more now as an adult than i did as a teen, which is s***.

[Shepp]

Its a hard thing to give advice on because you cant really change the situation you are in, it is what it is, it isnt going to change. It comes down to you finding the best way possible for you to deal with something that is less than ideal!

 

 

I get on super well with my brother, we're very close, but if i imagine h'd started dating my wife before i did and they had built a whole life together - that would just kill me! So i get its hard, i dont think you should beat yourself up for the way you feel! I think you've been a good sister, you've let them be happy, you havent interfered, what more could they ask?

Cant you just see your parents/family when they are not around?

 

As for the rest of your life, you've got to stop judging every guy to him. They're never going to be him we're all individuals. Its not really that different to if you dated someone and they ended it - you'd have to find a way to move on with you're life and find someone new. I know you probably wouldnt keep such close contact with an ex, but some people that live in a small town or work together or something would see an ex around!

[salparadise]

It's a really tough situation for sure. I think you have to find a way to get over him. You somehow have to desensitize and squash the visceral reactions. You definitely need to quit the idealizing and think if him as just one of many guys on the planet.

 

I do think you need to be able to talk about openly with someone, so perhaps try therapy. There is a reaction happening in your brain that needs to be replaced with normal circuitry. People have crushes and get over them, people have devastating breakups and get over it. I think you can do it too, but you may need some help figuring it out. I'm wondering if keeping this a big secret is part of it.

[Standard-Fare]

I think you need to get to the root of this issue and figure out why you're still nursing this unrequited crush from high school YEARS later. Therapy would be a good idea.

 

Obviously, your sister's marriage to the guy forced the situation in your face, unlike most high school crushes that can just quietly burn out.

 

But underneath all that, the hard fact remains that you're still pining for an idealized, unrealistic fantasy from your teenage years. Some steps in the maturation process were missing here, causing you to cling to the fantasy instead of gradually let go.

 

I feel for you, but you need to work out the deeper psychology of this so you can finally move on.

Edited August 9, 2016 by Standard-Fare

[Robbii]

Cant you just see your parents/family when they are not around?

To an extent I can, but I think it looks a bit pointed if i do that too much. Me and my sister aren't close but I don't want to cause problems by looking like I'm trying to avoid her. Plus now shes back in town my cousins won't want to do stuff without her being there, and her husbands very popular with the family, they want him around!

 

Its not really that different to if you dated someone and they ended it - you'd have to find a way to move on with you're life and find someone new.

True. But I guess at least then I could be mad at him, haha!

[Robbii]

It's a really tough situation for sure. I think you have to find a way to get over him. You somehow have to desensitize and squash the visceral reactions. You definitely need to quit the idealizing and think if him as just one of many guys on the planet.

Yeah, getting over him is what I would love! It's not like I dream of stealing him away or anything!

 

Its hard. I mean I know in a certain way the way we see everyone is tinted by our own perception and expectation of them. I understand saying "he's the only guy on the planet that could make me happy" is frankly ridiculous, and not true! There's lots of fish in the sea I know, but I haven't managed to "catch" one as of yet!

 

I don't feel like I idolise him massively! Maybe that's a stupid thing to say! I feel like because of the circumstances (!) I actually know him pretty well, he's not someone I've got a crush on from afar. I know how well he gets on with my family, I know what kind of husband he is, I see what kind of dad he is. I even know he cooks a mean xmas dinner and that he sings really badly in the car, and even the way he handles my sister (which is the weirdest thing ever to say) but shes not easy to live with and if you spend any time with them together just the way he is with her, actually makes me like him more.

Which lets be honest is f***ed up!!

 

I do think you need to be able to talk about openly with someone, so perhaps try therapy ... I'm wondering if keeping this a big secret is part of it.

I did have therapy a couple of years back. Not particularly for this issue, i just felt like I was stuck in a bit of a rut, and I'm pretty open to trying stuff like that so I gave it a go..

To an extent it was very useful, it really gave me the confidence to make a big change career wise. We did talk about my personal life too and I did bring up all this but at the time they were living in South Africa and so it wasn't having such a big impact on my life. We talked a bit about mine and my sisters relationship growing up, but my feelings for him have nothing to do with her! I liked him before!

Yeah the secret doesnt help, I'm always over thinking my own actions so as not to "give it away"! But its better than them all knowing obviously, that wouldnt be way worse!

 

But underneath all that, the hard fact remains that you're still pining for an idealized, unrealistic fantasy from your teenage years. Some steps in the maturation process were missing here, causing you to cling to the fantasy instead of gradually let go.

Right, its stupid I know! But I don't still pine after the popular 15 year old who used to be captain of the football team, made everyone laugh and wore a crazy amount of cologne!!

We've both grown up, but 23 year old me was still just as smitten with the man who was always able to make always make the best of every situation, who was so easy to talk to even able to charm my dad, and who volunteered on lifeboats saving peoples lives.

Even now I like the 31 year old who is literally such an active dad does everything with his kids, solid, dependable, honest, but still with such spirit life is like this great big adventure to him.

I've always liked this guy, but I dont still see him as the teenager I crushed so hard on.

[Timshel]

You have a marked detachment from reality Robbii. I do not say this to insult you in any way, however....you have a preoccupation that is unhealthy.

 

I would suggest diagnostic sessions with a licensed psychologist. Please attend with the specific purpose of addressing this particular issue.

 

It is time to move forward.

[JewelD]

15 years is a long time to be pining after someone you never had. The only way this could have lasted so long is that you are feeding the obsession. When thoughts of him overcome you, you don't try to stop it, you just keep going with it.

 

I've done this to an extent, replaying fantasies, looking at photos, trying to be around the person. As you know, you can keep a crush going a loooonngg time doing that, possibly even forever if you really commit to it.

 

It will be hard, but you need to kill that fantasy. Recognize that there are probably some bad sides to him that only your sister knows. He's not a God, he's just a man.

[Springsummer]

He's not a God, he's just a man.

 

Tell me about it. Just watched a documentary about Michael Phelps. Everybody thinks he is a God. For someone like him can you imagine he once thought about suicide?

[Standard-Fare]

OP, I actually think it's okay to have a little crush, and maybe that will always be there.

 

But the level of infatuation you're talking about, its longevity, and the fact that it seems to actively trip up your love life -- is a problem.

 

One thing you haven't addressed is how physically attracted you feel to him, and whether he might feel attracted to you. Do you guys have sexual tension? Have there ever been any moments of almost crossing the line?

 

You're framing this as kind of innocent romantic gushing, but I'm wondering if there's a part of you fantasizing about having an affair -- even if your logical mind knows that can't/won't happen.

[Robbii]

I would suggest diagnostic sessions with a licensed psychologist. Please attend with the specific purpose of addressing this particular issue.

Well, it can't hurt I guess!

 

15 years is a long time to be pining after someone you never had. The only way this could have lasted so long is that you are feeding the obsession. When thoughts of him overcome you, you don't try to stop it, you just keep going with it.

I have really tried. I've tried to put him out out my head, I've muted him and my sister on fb, I've even distanced myself from my own family at points. It isnt the case that i spend my every waking hour pining after him or anything like that but it is the case that he is part of my family and part of my life whatever, and its everytime I see him, or hear about them or anything, then it all stirs up inside again.

[Robbii]

OP, I actually think it's okay to have a little crush, and maybe that will always be there.

 

But the level of infatuation you're talking about, its longevity, and the fact that it seems to actively trip up your love life -- is a problem.

Yeah I agree.

 

It's like not long after they moved home I went out with my cousin (who i'm very close to, we all grew up together) and she invited my sister along. At one point she said to my sister something like "the best part of you guys coming home is having some decent eye candy back in town!".

Now obviously she's joking and it was a light hearted comment. But you know my cousin can acknowledge and appreciate the fact hes a good looking guy without it being a big deal!!

 

I'd never say anything like that cause I'm too concerned about not giving myself away!

 

One thing you haven't addressed is how physically attracted you feel to him, and whether he might feel attracted to you. Do you guys have sexual tension? Have there ever been any moments of almost crossing the line?

How physically attracted am I to him?

Very. I didn't want to push that too hard because I don't want it too look like all I care about its the aesthetics and I don't really feel for him as a person, but my god he's beautiful! Like he's got these amazing eyes you just get lost in, super chiselled jaw with a cute little beard, dimples that could melt you're heart and god he's ripped, like riippeeeddd!!

But its hot cause he's not too into his looks, his hairs always a little messy and he'd rather be playing in the mud with the kids or the dogs than staying smart and tidy. He knows he's attractive but he's kinda embarrassed by it. Which is nice, I dont like guys that are obsessed with how they look or think they're gods gift to women.

 

Do i think he might be attracted to me & do we have sexual tension?

No.

If i go right back to being 15, maybe I used to read into stuff that wasn't there (the way teen girls do), you know 'ah he just said something nice to me, maybe he likes me'

But no. He doesn't see me like that. He's crazy about her! Honestly I don't think he'd ever look at anybody else, he looks at her like she walks on water.

Its funny because she holds her cards very very close to her chest, she's not a particularly affectionate person, she's not really the kind of girl that needs a lot of romance, she kind of rolls her eyes at all that! Yet out of all my friends bfs/husbands he's the one out of them all thats probably the most doting. For a couple that have been together 15 years, they are still very much in love.

I don't hold any illusion that the way i feel is mutual!

 

You're framing this as kind of innocent romantic gushing, but I'm wondering if there's a part of you fantasizing about having an affair -- even if your logical mind knows that can't/won't happen.

Errrrrrrrrrrrrr.. i really like him, of course i do picture what it could of been like if it had been me and not her, every now and again i do picture what our life together would of been like.

But an affair i dont want, i dont want to be that person, i dont want to be a homewrecker, and i would never do that to her, to our family, i couldnt cause hurt like that.

[Shepp]

To an extent I can, but I think it looks a bit pointed if i do that too much. Me and my sister aren't close but I don't want to cause problems by looking like I'm trying to avoid her. Plus now shes back in town my cousins won't want to do stuff without her being there, and her husbands very popular with the family, they want him around!

 

The bottom line is that there is no super happy ending on this one. Whether you went NC or saw them everyday, there is no amazing solution.

 

Maybe its kind of a case of sucking it up - as long as it isnt having a negative impact on your life above some feelings of 'wanting' - then maybe the easiest course of action is to go as you are?

 

Im not making light of the way you feel or your situation but i dont see how it gets better than where you are right now?

You cut them out completely and lose contact with most of your family - are you really any happier?

You tell them how you feel, and only you know how people would react but potentiality you cause massive cracks and hurt in your family and probably some awkward situations - is that gonna put your mind to peace?

 

 

I think you need to quit beating yourself up too. Thats only going to keep sending you round in circles because its like stirring up your own feelings. Just accept the way you feel is the way you feel and move forward from there

[Robbii]

Maybe its kind of a case of sucking it up - as long as it isnt having a negative impact on your life above some feelings of 'wanting' - then maybe the easiest course of action is to go as you are?

 

Im not making light of the way you feel or your situation but i dont see how it gets better than where you are right now?

You cut them out completely and lose contact with most of your family - are you really any happier?

You tell them how you feel, and only you know how people would react but potentiality you cause massive cracks and hurt in your family and probably some awkward situations - is that gonna put your mind to peace?

 

True ture, I know that that is all true. You are right. It's just harder in practice! Sure i'm fine right now, i'm not sat here crying myself to sleep. But I saw a post from him on fb a few hours ago (yes I hide both their facebooks from my newsfeed but my mum had shared his post), he hadn't even written anything overly mushy just like "had a great time XYZ with my beautiful wife" and it was a lovely picture, they looked really happy.

I can't explain the way that makes me feel, its like my stomach flips and I feel a little sick, for a little while. Which is horrible to even write, because i dont want to feel like that, i dont want to be that person! I'd love to be like all the other people that comment "gorgeous couple/family" or whatever, but I cant.

[darkmoon]

go on some dates, find a boyf, you owe it to yourself to try, broaden your horizons