Lets just say....an end all to the insanity or just the beginning?

[random tears]

Lets just say

that I have been guilty of snooping around...

 

because I dont know any better..

 

because I need to get this situation resolved before it is too late...

 

Because I am not getting any answers

 

Because I am frustrated

and bored

and sick to my stomach

and tired of being manipulated

and tired of getting a myriad of excuses to bizarre suspicious behaviour

and the language barrier

and the "you need to trust in me, you need to believe me, and when you do, you will be so happy" comments

and the double standards

and the family getting involved because he has a big mouth

and having no friends and family, therefore no one to trust but the people he trusts which is a no win situation......

 

so lets just say that I have been snooping....

 

lets just say I have been:

marking condoms

checking cell phones

researching numbers

checking clothes

looking through papers

on one instance, checking up on him...

 

What should I do when:

I find incriminating evidence

something that seems suspicious

strange marks on clothes

strange numbers that belong to women

condoms missing or not marked

 

None of this has happened as of yet, except the strange number to a woman, but my question is this:

 

What should I do about it? If I confront him, he will automatically know I have been snooping and either:

 

a. explain it away as in "there is a solid reason why I have been talking to this woman, she is a relative, or work associate, or (fill in excuse here) and we are talking because (fill in excuse here)"

 

The possibilities are vast and the excuses are always seemingly very valid to the point where he gets family involved. I of course, have no way of knowing if it is true or not true because everyone speaks spanish and no one speaks english or at least thats what they claim. How am I to know if it is truly a work related thing or relative or etc?

 

B. Use it as arsenal against me to further suck people into believing I am crazy/jealous

 

As in, "she checks my cell phone....blah blah blah"

 

C. Cover his tracks more neatly.

 

As in

-calling all the "supposed" relatives, work friends first and letting them know that I may have their number and not to divulge info

-Deleting the numbers from cell phones

replacing the condoms or getting rid of them altogether by saying that his cousin, friend, etc wanted them because they are young, frisky, broke, single and without protection--how will I know he didnt just move them to a different location and is drawing from the supply there?

-washing the clothes before I get home, or putting them in different locations

 

Every day there is a different reason why one more person is involved with his life...Every day there is a new reason why:

 

He has their number

needs to visit their house (sometimes without telling me)

the favor exchanges

 

reasons such as:

 

They are my cousin

my mothers ex boyfriends cousin

my aunts work associate that needed...(fill in blank)

my fathers wifes sister

 

And they all seem to "need" something in one way or another

 

There is no clear distinction, new people are always explained away and closely interspersed within his life is some way, shape or form...

 

and being spanish, all family, and friends of family and etc are VERY close knit

 

Where are my boundries?

 

Today there is yet again some one new.....

a woman that he wants me to be friends with

a close friend of his..spanish speaker...

I do not believe he is involved with her, but yet another case of control?

 

as in:

I want my close friend to be your close friend because then I can find out what secrets you have, where you are going, what you may be hiding,,,etc

 

I might add he does not want me to have my own friends.....but seems okay with anouncing that he wants me to be close friends with such and such....

 

We are having lunch with her today...I have yet to meet her...

 

Sorry so long, total rant...need help....feel clutches of doom upon me...

WHat do you think?? Let me know....thanks..

[Jilly10340]

dude.......wow.

 

You have two choices here:

 

1. You can not trust him (and feel the anxiety, jealousy, suspicion, nausea, etc), he can cheat on you or betray you, and you can be hurt.

 

2. You can trust him (and be happy in the relationship and in your love for him), he can cheat on you or betray you, and you can be hurt.

 

Which seems more favorable here? Whether you trust him or not, if he's going to cheat on you then he's going to cheat on you. So why don't you just enjoy the relationship and if he does betray you then handle it when it happens. There's no point in worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. And if you are that suspicious, then dump him. You need to be with someone you can trust, or the relationship just won't work.

[random tears]

Thanks for your input!!

 

Yes, I agree, he will do it whether or not I worry...however, at what point do I stop? What crosses the line between being aware and being downright wrong?

 

Given the situation, what I am involved with, am I within my realms to do the snooping, or am I behaving WAY too irrationally???

[Jilly10340]

I think the lengths to which you have gone are a little irrational. I think you may be reading into things a little too much.

 

I don't know what the situation is exactly......has he cheated before, or given you any reason to not trust him?

[random tears]

To my limited knowledge, No, he has never cheated on me....

 

He has:

Lied (some real big, some little)

Withholded information

plotted his family against me

and his friends

does one thing but says another

Is very controlling

 

LIES on top of LIES has caused this irrational behaviour...

[Jilly10340]

Then I'd let him go.

 

I mean, can you ever be content in a relationship where you can't trust the person? I know I couldn't, trust and honestly are the two most important things.

 

It doesn't sound like you can trust him, are you willing to go through what you've been going through forever? It will take it's toll, that much stress isn't good for you physically.

 

I would just have to walk away from the relationship. But only you know what the relationship is like between the two of you, so you're the only one who can decide when it's time to call it quits.