Contact from BS/Ending

[AKindredSpirit]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm writing here, cause I can't find peace and strength anymore and have no one to talk to. I've been involved with MM... He tried leaving his home a few times, but always went back to his family. His wife found out who I was. He never told her the truth about us, when he went back he just denied anything serious happening. I'm not proud or happy with myself, but we were friends/colleagues and it happened naturally, though I could agree there was a time to run when I started feeling more than I should have. But I had a job and was silently just loving him from a distance.

 

Though he treated me horribly a few times during our affair just throwing me under the bus I always was kind and forgiving. Silly and sensitive... I still believed something.

 

After a few months of silence we got back together again for half a year. But I got no answers to my questions, just that he was scared. He didn't know. He liked having everything: home, kids and me. Me on the side only. I felt sick all the time and knew my life is all a lie. He would've kept me like that forever. I finished it a few months ago and it's been very hard. I'm depressed and feel hopeless and worthless.

 

Recently I got a text from his wife begging to tell her the truth, asking are we still ''together''. She has contacted me a few times before asking the same. It made me really ill, I tried to brush it off, but it stays with me all the time. Because I have finished it, I tried to be brave. I've done what I could. I can't answer her, cause I'm not going to lie about everything like he did. She has him there to talk to and ask questions. I feel terrible for not being able to tell her what she wants. Why is she trying to get me talking to her, why does she even want that truth if she is there and I'm just someone on the side. It's been a long time he went back to her (And I have blocked her ever since, but she finds a way to send me a message).

 

I'm so broken down I don't believe it will ever get better, I think about them being happy all the time. I know it's stupid, but my heart is in pieces. I would just like a tiny bit of happiness for myself and some hope for the future.

Edited August 7, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for paragraphs ~ V

[Ruffian1]

Just tell her the truth.

 

He won't, that is why she is asking you.

 

She just wants to know the truth about her life.

 

Wouldn't you?

[privategal]

Your already broken down, sad, unhappy.

You have nomovement, no where to go.

It cannot get worse.

This is the oportunity/catalyst

Tell her. Just "yes, we are together"

Silence for someone desperately seeking truth is so hurtful.

You both caused pain to her.

At least the truth is less painful than not knowing.

She doesn't trust him.

She will believe you. She already knows.

Then let the cards fall.

You didn't reach out, she did.

Liberate everyone here.

[dubliner]

You say you cannot answer her because you would have to lie..Who are you trying to protect by lying? The MM, or yourself?

You can't change what happened by burying your head and pretending you weren't a part of this. Yes she is still there with him, but they are far from 'happy', she is in a state of limbo too, she knows there is more than his 'story', she's desperately trying to make sense of it all so she can make her choices but neither of you are allowing this.

You can accept the consequences of what you were a part of and answer her questions truthfully. Maybe then you will be able to move forward with your own life without this hanging over you.

[Survivor12]

If I understand you correctly, your affair ended several months ago. If so, it is possible that he has begun an affair with a different OW, she knows and assumes that it is still you.

 

If your affair is over, why not tell her "If your husband ihas been having an affair in the last # of months, it must be with someone else, because it hasn't been with me. Please do not contact me again." ?

 

Not only would you be helping her find the truth about her husband, but it may just help you move on.

 

Stay strong.

[elaine567]

She wants the truth so she can try to salvage something from the wreckage of her marriage - a marriage the you helped to destroy.

I know she is the "enemy" and no doubt you hold a lot of resentment towards her as she "won", but you need to be the bigger person here.

Tell her the truth, she deserved to know, she is the innocent party here.

 

You stopped, then started up again, and now you are finished for good.

 

She is a woman in Hell, through no fault of her own, give her to truth so she can move on, either with him or without him .

 

Get her off your back for good, so that you can start living your own life and forget about this whole sorry debacle.

[whichwayisup]

You call her back and apologize for your part in the affair. You own it and answer questions that she asks you. Doing this will set yourself free, give you peace and also help her sort out what is truly going on. This man has lied to her, gas lighted her, probably made her feel crazy by denying the affair.

 

This man has also lied to you, treated you poorly so you owe him nothing since the A is now over.

 

I hope you can give her the truth. By doing this you'll probably find out how much he threw you under the bus and blamed you, told her you chased him constantly and had a wicked crush on him, was obsessed with him etc. Many MM (and MW) throw their AP's under the bus. It might open your eyes about who he truly is and rid of what feelings you have left for him. And you'll probably see that she isn't half as bad as he's made her out to be.

[Patrice]

I agree, this may bring some closure to you at this difficult time. You will free your heart, and prevent him from coming back in - if you know the truth. Most of these guys are master manipulators. I would apologize to her for your role in this, and tell her you don't want to hear from here again, after you have spoken your mind.

[seren]

I am an XBS and me and the OW spoke, she answered my questions and I hers. Both of us had the sort of same story, but with very different slants on it. I wished her peace and to be happy and she apologised and wished me well. It gave me closure, her not so much at first, but now it seems to be OK for her. That was 9 yrs ago.

 

It seems to me that sending a letter with the understanding that it is the one and only time you will be in contact might give you peace and closure. Of course you don't have to, but it seems to me it will give you peace and that is important. I am sorry you are hurting and hope you find a way to forgive yourself and find happiness.

 

A one off, no we are finished, it was X amount of time, we were intimate (or not), you loved him whatever. It doesn't and shouldn't be a blow by blow account, more a bullet point this or that. Then, if you can, draw a line under it, accept it happened and get on with your life. I hope you don't have an A again, they hurt so many people, any potential MM or MW should leave before involving another. I wish you the best and hope life is good.

[Bl3ss3dherz]

Just tell her the truth.

 

He won't, that is why she is asking you.

 

She just wants to know the truth about her life.

 

Wouldn't you?

 

Yes. This is it. Truth that is not forthcoming from her spouse... to help her decide what to do for herself and her children. What's the best course of action.

 

I'm a BS in this position. It's all I want and it's the only thing that's driving me to the point I can't move on... answers.... to stop feeling crazy. To bring peace to the situation.

 

My view has been changing the last few weeks... It's something I was willing to face suffering in silence for the good of the "family" but what example is this to my kids?

 

He'll never admit to anything.

 

I can't pretend there is nothing.

 

There can't be peace in our hearts if we're devoid of the truth and living a lie.

 

If there's a chance you can help her then please do.

[Cloudcuckoo]

If, as you say, you were 'kind and loving' to this married man whom you say was sometimes not so nice to you, then why would you not want to be kind, if that's what you are, to the woman asking you to answer her questions?

 

After all, she's done nothing to you has she? It's her husband who, like most married men with their brains temporarily shifted to their pants, has likely been giving her a hefty wheelbarrow full of horse manure so far removed from anything that smells like honesty.

 

For goodness sake talk to her. She's asked you for the truth because he won't give it to her, as others have said, and whether you like it or not, you are the third point in this triangle she didn't know she was part of.

 

If you're as kind as you say you've been to him historically, then offer her the same kindness now. You'll get some relief from regaining your sense of honour and dignity perhaps.

[BluesPower]

To both of you OP and Bl3ss3dherz...

 

OP, can't you see that you need to tell the wife the truth, that is a given. You need to be truthful with yourself. He will never leave his wife for you, and think about it, would you really want him if you did? You need to respect yourself and find a man that can really love you and not just use you for sex.

 

Bl3ss3dherz, your new so you don't have an email account so I am telling you this here.

 

You need to file for divorce and present him with the papers. If you want to know he may tell you then, and he may not. But you know that he is cheating, and you need to pick yourself up and file.

 

You will both be so much happier if you do this. Good luck to you ladies.

[Poppy47]

His wife has been denied the right to know what has been happening in her life.

 

She knows something isn't right and it is obviously tormenting her. You could answer all her questions and then she will be able to decide what to do.

 

It might bring you and her some peace.

 

Poppy.

[Poppy47]

His wife has been denied the right to know what has been happening in her life.

 

She knows something isn't right and it is obviously tormenting her. You could answer all her questions and then she will be able to decide what to do.

 

It might bring you and her some peace.

 

Poppy.

[ShatteredLady]

AKindredSpirit you stated this....

 

"I felt sick all the time and knew my life is all a lie. He would've kept me like that forever. I finished it a few months ago and it's been very hard. I'm depressed and feel hopeless and worthless."

 

....I can tell you, she feels a thousand times WORSE than you & YOU are complicit in her agony! She is living a nightmare. I hope that you never learn what it feels like to be the BS.

 

You can move on & build a life for yourself. This will FOREVER be part of who she is. I can't believe that you think she's happy!! She is in hell. She needs to make huge life changing decisions that will change her families lives.

 

Why can't you just tell her the truth?

[sandylee1]

This is so sad. You can block her number and ignore. Or you can respond saying you are not with him and request that she doesn't contact you again.

 

I'm neither a BS or OW, but I wonder why a BW would expect a shred of truth or decency from a woman who had no problem having an affair with a MM with children. Many get a response and you never really know whether it's true or not. How can you really trust and believe the OW, who was ready to destroy your marriage would be honest.

[Lobe]

This is so sad. You can block her number and ignore. Or you can respond saying you are not with him and request that she doesn't contact you again.

 

I'm neither a BS or OW, but I wonder why a BW would expect a shred of truth or decency from a woman who had no problem having an affair with a MM with children. Many get a response and you never really know whether it's true or not. How can you really trust and believe the OW, who was ready to destroy your marriage would be honest.

 

The truth usually lives somewhere in the middle. I wish I had the full story of what happened, her side, because it would fill in some of the blanks. in my case, my husband's xOW was a bit of a bunny boiler who shortly after d-day accused me of driving my husband into her vagina arms. "If instead she had said, look, I'm sorry the affair happened - what I did was wrong and I'm sorry I hurt your family..." it would have been nice.

 

From reading here at LS, the AP isn't always the quintessential self-centered, heartless, man-stealing bunny boiler though. While a handful are quite nasty about it, even the ones who're deluded recognize what they are doing isn't right.

 

If she was calling and threatening to beat you up, it would be cause for alarm, but it sounds like she just wants to fill in the blanks. Her WH is probably still giving her trickle truth, and rather than wait for him to be less elusive I imagine she's hoping you can speed up the process. I think as hard as it might be, it might bring you both closure. Go, gently, be honest, be gracious.

 

Good luck

[MidnightBlue1980]

When she asked in the past didn't you respond?

 

Tell her now. Tell her everything so she knows who she's married to. Tell her it ended.

 

Think of it this way - she really doesn't know who she is married to and she's trying to figure that out.

 

There is really only one reason the OP does not tell the truth - she knows xMM will be forever lost to her. A true D Day may set the BW free or may save their marriage.

[sandylee1]

The truth usually lives somewhere in the middle. I wish I had the full story of what happened, her side, because it would fill in some of the blanks.

 

Good luck

 

I know. It's got to be so frustrating not knowing the truth. It's just that I've heard that some OW have lied about things, but they have been proven to be untrue.

 

I think if you can back up what is said with emails or other evidence , then you should tell her. After all knowledge is power and she can decide if she wants to remain married to him.

 

It's gut wrenching to have to seek the truth from your husband's OW and she's probably clinging tothe hope that as a fellow woman, you will understand how she feels.

 

Tell her the truth.

[Lois_Griffin]

Recently I got a text from his wife begging to tell her the truth, asking are we still ''together''. She has contacted me a few times before asking the same. It made me really ill, I tried to brush it off, but it stays with me all the time. Because I have finished it, I tried to be brave. I've done what I could. I can't answer her, cause I'm not going to lie about everything like he did. She has him there to talk to and ask questions. I feel terrible for not being able to tell her what she wants. Why is she trying to get me talking to her, why does she even want that truth if she is there and I'm just someone on the side. It's been a long time he went back to her (And I have blocked her ever since, but she finds a way to send me a message).

I don't know. I think you should have a little compassion for a fellow human being you had no problem disregarding and disrespecting. But that's my opinion. And no, I'm not a BS.

 

Truth is, her husband is a miserable, stinking, lying opportunist who uses anyone in order to get what he wants. He used you and played you like a fiddle, and now he's playing his wife like a fiddle.

 

The reason she's reaching out to you is that she KNOWS he's lying to her. That can literally drive a person insane. Do you think she really WANTED to reach out to you? Believe me, she didn't. It's about as degrading for her as it gets. But she's desperate for the truth.

 

Without a doubt, he's painted YOU as some kind of Stage 4 clinger who is psychotic and that you relentlessly pursued him while he continually turned you down telling you how much he loves his wife. Lying dirt bags like this are a dime a dozen and they all tell the same ridiculous lies to their wives on D-Day. This is nothing new.

 

But make NO mistake - on D-Day, he threw you right under the bus. And low life that he is, he threw it in reverse and made sure to back over you once or twice on top of that.

 

If I were her, he'd be getting a one-way trip right to the curb at the end of my foot, but she apparently wants to hang on to the loser.

 

But she doesn't want to invest YEARS of emotion, faith and trust into someone who can't even respect her enough to be HONEST with her. So she's stuck between a rock and a hard place and simply wants the TRUTH

 

Look past your own needs and help a fellow human being. Is it really THAT hard for you to be a little compassionate?

 

Lastly, you don't owe this lying opportunist a SHRED of loyalty. If HE'S the reason you're avoiding this poor woman, you'd need to re-think THAT theory. He's already sold you right down the river with a big old lying smile on his face.

Edited August 8, 2016 by Lois_Griffin

[heartwhole]

I can hear the pain in your writing. You've been very brave to see the writing on the wall and end things for your own sake.

 

As for the wife's questions, I can't tell you whether or not to answer her. I'll just explain that from the standpoint of a BW, there's no way to be happy not knowing the truth. The only way to move forward is with a husband who is being completely transparent and remorseful. If he were being those things, then she wouldn't be asking you of all people to corroborate his story. Just like you finally realized that he was never going to stop living a double life and be with you openly, she is worried that he's never going to become an honest, trustworthy person. Because he has lied and lied and lied to her. Why would now be any different?

 

I'm so broken down I don't believe it will ever get better, I think about them being happy all the time. I know it's stupid, but my heart is in pieces. I would just like a tiny bit of happiness for myself and some hope for the future.

 

Please hang in there. Your hope for the future is that you realized you deserved better, so you ended something that was never going to give you happiness in the future. You have opened the door to better things.

 

And if it matters, they're not happy. He's not happy because he's selfish and entitled and now he has a crying, suspicious wife and no other woman. She's not happy because she's realized who she's really married to. And she can't even say, "Well, at least in the end my husband chose me" because you're the one who ended it, not him.

 

I believe the key to happiness is being the person you want to be, changing the things you can change, and accepting the things you can't. I hope you find some.

[sandylee1]

Hi everyone,

 

Why does she even want that truth if she is there and I'm just someone on the side. It's been a long time he went back to her (And I have blocked her ever since, but she finds a way to send me a message).

 

I'm so broken down I don't believe it will ever get better, I think about them being happy all the time. I know it's stupid, but my heart is in pieces. I would just like a tiny bit of happiness for myself and some hope for the future.

 

She wants the truth, just like wanted the truth and asked questions when he came back to you

 

You say that you are 'just someone on the side'. Well to her, you are part of the reason she is in a million pieces like you. So no matter how irrelevant she might want you to be in her mind, you had an affair with her husband and are the only person she thinks she might be able to get the truth from.

 

And why would you really think a woman who is begging you for the truth about her own husband is happy? If she was happy she wouldn't waste her time contacting you. Just for one moment try and imagine being her. Would you be happy if your husband had an affair?

 

She would be advised against contacting you by other BWs, but she clearly thinks and hopes that you have a heart and will help her.

 

She tried to contact you and you ignored her, yet she persists because she is so desperate for the truth. She feels she can't end her marriage and cause the kids to go between 2 homes if she isn't sure, because she'll be blamed for breaking up the family.

 

She doesn't have the strength to just end her marriage without the truth.

 

Maybe once you tell her the truth, you will be able to find the happiness you speak off.

[ladydesigner]

I thank MOW in my mind everyday for telling me the truth. I never would have found out their A continued for 2 more years. I have no more blinders on anymore I know who I am married to now.

[Lobe]

It's just that I've heard that some OW have lied about things, but they have been proven to be untrue.

 

Tell her the truth.

 

I kind of think that the APs are "lying" even when they are telling the "truth" because so much of what they were told by the WS was either fabrication or omission. I read all the emails I could find so I know WHAT was said, but I will never really know WHY. WHY did my husband hide her from me in the first place. WHY did she not shoot him down? WHY did neither of them have any respect for me, our children, our marriage? No amount of inquisition directed to his xOW or him will ever give me satisfactory answers because frankly, in the affair bubble, they were both deluded (in a very clinical, non-derogatory sense).

 

An AP desperate to sabotage the marriage may not sound any different than one who was successfully duped by the WS, but as long as the conversation with the BS is prefaced with a) a sincere and deep apology for the part you played in the affair and b) something like, "Look, I can only tell you what he told me and what I remember, because that is MY truth - he is the only one who can tell you HIS truth." Sadly I think that is just the nature of reconciling with a cheater - learning to accept that even the unfaithful partner doesn't always have a good explanation for being a selfish entitled asshat. My WH says now, "I don't know what I was thinking - I just WASN'T thinking..." That doesn't preempt the WS's ability to earn forgiveness, but it does highlight the way in which the betrayed's "innocence" is forever lost and trust can never be fully restored.

 

I feel like some APs could get closure in the affair post-mortem as well if they had the luxury of contacting the BS for clarification, but that's taboo in a way the WS contacting the AP is not. Generally, everyone is so hurt it's too painful to talk anyway. If my WH's AP contacted me in a respectful way and wanted to talk, I would. But she's already proven herself immature and vitriolic - I would be afraid to pick up the phone LOL

[HappyAgain2014]

Tell the truth. You've already ended the affair but this will finish it. It's what you need to move on.

 

The only good thing I did regarding my affair was telling his wife. It showed me the old me was back. It didn't relieve me of any responsibility or guilt but I knew I had done the right thing.

 

Once you do that, you owe it to his wife to stay away from her husband and out of her life.