A mess... A novel...

[bodevan]

Hmm.. I'm not quite sure where to start. I've been lurking around these forums for the last few weeks as my relationship began to end. I've been wanting to post for awhile but haven't come around to it until now. I guess I'll rewind to about a month ago...

 

On June 24th I had my wisdom teeth pulled out and my girlfriend drove me home from the dentist and helped me out while I was recovering that Friday, Saturday, Sunday and left on Monday... I was hoping that she would come back during the week, but that ended up not happening. You see, I think I was getting a little bit of cabin fever from being cooped up and in pain and I texted her that she was acting 'weird' and eventually told her that 'it feels like you don't want to be around me while I'm recovering'. She responded saying of course she wants to be around me but that she's just been busy. She was going to come over that Thursday and we were going to go to her parents beach house for the 4th of July weekend...I kept pushing and saying she was acting weird, to which she said she was angry that I made her feel guilty but accusing her of not wanting to be around her and that she wasn't going to come over that night because it would stress her out to 'fit everything in'. I was upset to be accused of being manipulative and did not respond to her text for the rest of the day. She ended up driving down to the beach house without me which upset me more.... I understand where I was wrong, but I wanted to make good on it and offered to drive down myself and spend the rest of the weekend with her. She refused and said she wanted to enjoy the weekend with her family and spend the weekend apart. From there I was upset again and did not talk to her that night or the next day and on Sunday she called me and said our relationship wasn't working for her anymore. I was surprised to hear it and talked with her for awhile, I wasn't begging at all or trying to convince her of anything and by the end of the call she changed her mind. I thought everything was ok... That evening I sent her a cute picture of two puppies (she loved when I would send things like this to her) but she never responded... which left me a little anxious and I had difficulty sleeping. I went on facebook and saw that she was online and removed our relationship status. I was like what???? I tried calling her and she didnt respond until the next morning. She claimed to not have remembered doing it but then later said she was drinking and went to the bathroom with one of her girlfriends and did it in a drunken moment and went and changed it back. That bothered me a lot and continued to bother me...

 

She spent the next week at her parents beach house and was very loving towards me over texting, calling, and skype. She was even texting me about how she was looking up kinky costumes online (she bought a nurse outfit when I had my wisdom teeth out)... Things seemed to be going good. Thursday night we played phone tag and the next morning she called me at work to reassure me that she wanted to really work on our relationship and stay together. I ended up bringing up the previous Sunday and her removing our relationship status from facebook... which led to her getting frustrated and flip flopping and saying forget it we should just break up! She started crying hysterically and I calmed her down to the point where I brought up coming down to the beach that night...

 

I drove down and she seemed very happy to see me. Things felt a little awkward at times but while I was talking with her family and she was cooking, she would keep turning around to look at me and gaze lovingly into my eyes. It really felt like things were good. We were both pretty tired and ended up going to bed early. Before going to sleep I started kissing her and she was not very receptive, so I said 'ok lets go to sleep'. As I was beginning to fall asleep I felt her beginning to rub on me in an attempt to arouse me but I ignored it as if I was asleep. However, eventually I rolled over and initiated with her. We had sex and afterwards she asked me if that felt different for me... I said no, not really, other than the fact that we had been arguing and there may have been some residual tension. She started to talk about ending the relationship again! I talked with her for awhile and again, no begging or pleading, just attempts at understanding where and what was causing this. I was going to leave in the middle of the night and make the 2 hour drive home from the beach but she said wait and to talk more in the morning....I didn't really want to drive home in the middle of the night anyways so I stayed. I couldn't get a wink of sleep.

 

When we talked more in the morning it was more of the same. I told her to tell me that she doesn't love me anymore, which she eventually did. After hearing that, I left. She deleted me from facebook and changed her relationship status.

 

Later in the day she liked a bunch of photos on my instagram, texted me "I'm so so so sad, but I just know we're holding each other down. I don't know when I'll be ready to move, I'm so scared, and I am so sad. Trust me it is for the best. I promise." Then called multiple times and I answered once. She was crying hysterically and I was calm. I told her why don't we take a week or two to ourselves and meet up afterwards and see where to go from there. She opted for two weeks and I said ok. At the end she said that she loves me, but caught her self at herself at first and asked if it was ok for her to say that... I told her I was confused by her saying that because of what she said earlier that day... and she said she would not have said it had I not 'forced' her to say it.

 

The next day I had a moment of weakness where I thought taking the two weeks was a bad idea and tried calling her. She did not answer. Those first few days were very difficult for me. I lost a decent amount of weight from not being able to eat solid foods after the wisdom surgery, and then with all this back and forth breakup stuff I was having trouble just putting down on any food. I couldn't sleep well at all. I was in the gym everyday, but I began to become exhausted because of how little I was eating.

 

That Wednesday she texted me "Can we meet up next Monday to talk things over? Or July 26 or 27"

To which I responded "Monday evening should work." Later in the day she responded "Cool", a very cold response from someone who is usually very affectionate over text

 

On Friday she called me as I was getting on the train home from work. I texted her that I can't talk right now and asked her what's up? She responded "It's okay, never mind, no worries". I gave her a call when I was off the train and at first she was saying how she shouldn't have called but we got past that and started talking about some of the issues we have had in the past. I have had some issues with being a little controlling in some ways. Definitely not overly-so, but she grew up with a micro-manager for a mother and so I feel like she is hyper-aware of any attempts to influence her. Overall the talk was good and lasted almost an hour. She asked if Monday worked well for me and I said why don't we get dinner and drinks the next day on Saturday. She happily agreed.

 

We didn't talk at all until we met at the restaurant at 8pm. She had a new haircut and was worried I wouldn't like it but I told her it looked great, and I meant it. We had a truly wonderful night and at dinner she was holding my hands and telling how much she loves me and how many things she wants to do together, and literally telling me everything I wanted to hear. We began talking about going to see a movie after dinner but couldn't find a movie that either of us wanted to see. She ended up inviting me over and we didn't even get to watching a movie. She was all over me. I carried her upstairs and we had sex that was very enjoyable for the both of us. But, I had trouble falling asleep and she kept thinking something was wrong. She stayed up with me even though she had a family event the next morning.

 

The next morning we had to go pick up her car from the restaurant we were at the night before (I drove us back to her house after dinner). I suggested getting breakfast. I was a bit sad in a way because of what happened the weekend before and was a little out of it and not very talkative at breakfast... She picked up on it and asked what was wrong. I said nothing. Later, when she got her car and was leaving I kissed her and told her that I just want to feel close to her again, she said we are, and I said 'I mean in my head'. She said it just takes time.

 

We didn't talk or text the rest of that Sunday and I attributed that to both us agreeing to take things slow and not just jump back into things.

 

The next morning, on Monday, I texted her "I had a great time on our first date! How about we have our second on my side of town tonight?" (we joked about how it felt like our first date again, she said she was nervous, I was too a little bit but didn't tell her). (We also talked about meeting up on

 

She responded "I had a lot of fun too!! That sounds like so much fun, but I can't tonight. I told my cousin I would hang out and catch up with her tonight". To which I responded 'ok no worries. tell her i say hi!" She responded 'Thank you for understanding '....

 

Shortly after her last text she sent me this... "I've been thinking about what we talked about the other night. I think it might be a good idea to not be exclusive. I want to work on this but it does still feel pressured".... Mind you I was at work and I was so angry to see her text me that. I put my phone in my bag because I didn't want to respond out of anger.

 

I checked my phone a couple hours later and saw a bunch of texts, missed calls, and a couple voicemails from her. The voicemails were her crying hysterically. The texts read "Please call me back" ...."I feel like you are punishing me for being upfront with you about what I'm thinking" "'I really want to see you tonight"

 

I stepped out of work and called her and she was still crying hysterically and all over the place. I calmed her down to a degree and then called her when I was off of work. By then she seemed to have fully calmed down and said sorry for her behavior earlier, she said part of me wants to jump back in, I'm just really scared to get hurt and that she loves me. Before going to sleep I called her just to check in on her because her behavior earlier in the day had me concerned. At that point she was at her cousins house. She seemed calm and told me she wants to end it and have a clean break. At that point after all the craziness earlier in day I was exhausted and just "ok goodbye".

 

Two days later she called me and hung up after one ring. I did not call her back. I thought it was just an attempt of her to get my attention and/or see if i would call her back.

 

A week later she liked a new photo of mine on instagram.

 

6 days after that... this past Tuesday, she liked another new photo of mine on instagram and like an old photo from years ago.

 

The next day, this past Wednesday she like another old photo on instagram.

 

Thursday she tried calling me at work. I feel that it is disrespectful of her to call me when she knows I'm at work. And frankly, I wasn't sure if I was ready to talk to her. When I was on the train, she sent me a link to an article and copied this excerpt 'But a break could be the appropriate antidote for couples who need to be reminded of how much they mean to each other or need space to mature as individuals before building a life together.' I was still not responding at this point and it had only been a couple of hours.

 

She sent more texts and multiple frantic calls and voicemails.... 'You were right, we should've just extended the break'...I never wanted a break to begin with

 

"You don't even have to talk to me, just change your Facebook status, bc right now I'm moving on but I don't want to move on, but we keep ending up in the same place, so I felt like it was the only answer. I can understand if you have already moved on, please let me know in some way so I can stop pining for you."

 

"Please just tell me you never want to see me again, or if this can just be an extended break. I keep seeing on your Facebook "In a relationship" and it makes me cry and it makes me confused and hopeful and scared and optimistic" ( i hadn't been going on facebook because i did not want to and did not want to look at her profile, i hadnt even thought of adjusting it, i was focusing on moving on)

 

The voicemails were a mixture of repetition of the texts and her calling herself an idiot and that she feels like i would never talk to her again.

 

After going to the gym and mulling it over I called her. She was calm and I commented on her sounding much better than she did in the voicemails. She said 'yeah i was really emotional' We talked for less then ten minutes and it didn't really go anywhere. She said she was at her cousins house and wanted to spend time with her and asked if she could call me back later, I told her no I was going to bed because I have work in the morning and she said she would be the next day (Friday). (i took her excuse of wanting to spend time with her cousin as an excuse because she didn't know how to respond to some of the things we were talking about... I asked her what did she mean by 'pressure' when she brought up not being exclusive.) I also took it as disrespect after her calling and texting a ton that when I called her back, she was all of a sudden busy.

 

In the middle of the night she texted me "Hey, do you want to meet up in a month? And we can just take some time to work on ourselves for a little." I went back in forth with myself on whether or not to respond all day. I decided not to. I didn't think any kind of communication would do any good.

 

Yesterday, she sent a text: "Do you want to do that?"

 

Then a few hours later she sent: "Or is it better this way?"...."My mom told me today she saw on Facebook that you had a job somewhere else, she said: is he moving?"

 

Part of me wants to possibly respond with something like "I guess we'll see how I feel in a month", but.... right now I am leaning towards not responding.

 

 

We were in a relationship for about a year and a half. There were a lot of outside factors (moving, job changes, family issues, 2 months of long distance, etc.) that made the beginning of our relationship a bit hard.

 

Deep down I still want to be with her. But I am not willing to step back onto the rollercoaster that she has been the past month.

 

 

So....anyone who has read all of the above.... I commend you and thank you from the bottom of my heart. Any and all advice for or against, words of encouragement/discouragement, are all extremely appreciated...

 

 

Thanks again

[266696687]

She doesn't seem to have a clue what she wants so no wonder you feel like you've been on a roller coaster.

 

You are doing the right thing. You should stick to NC. Unless she explicitly says she wants back in the relationship ignore her. Ignore any 'I miss you' breadcrumbs or pleading messages to be friends.

 

If she does come back wanting to be with you again by that point you may have sufficiently moved on from her.

 

The talking and back and forth she is creating is simply preventing you from moving on.

 

Her indecisiveness sort of implies she might have her eye on someone else and perhaps wants to test the waters there without letting you go completely until she is sure. Hence the desperation to talk to you in a month. She is having trouble letting go because she isn't sure of her next position. She is keeping you in reserve just in case.

 

Walk away. You don't want to be with someone who isn't sure they want to be with you. You don't want to wait as a back up in case her next option falls through and she decides having you is better than having no one. Don't let her demote you to friend so she can string you along until she finds someone else.

 

Ignore and move on.

Edited August 7, 2016 by 266696687

[BluesPower]

Let's be real, just dump her she is cheating, you know that right?

 

 

That novel was very hard to follow, but it is 100% that she has cheated on you.

 

 

You have just got to let her go. And then, go NC and move on.