Does having parents who cheat affect the children?

[Whoknew30]

Literally, everyone I grew up around (& myself) had seen infidelity. Out of the group only one person has some messed up life & I think that was more due to the loss of her twin vs her mom's A.

 

It goes by how the parents deal with it. My parents never put us in the middle of their martial problems. If they fought, they let us know it was between them & that no matter what happened they loved us & their relationship problems weren't our cross to bear. Honestly it made me a better person in life.

 

I grew up knowing NOTHING is perfect & even parents are human & can mess up. Made life easier knowing a "perfect" existence, relationship ext... just doesn't exist. I learned that broken people can be fixed & change & that you have to put in work for things & life in general to work out. That sometimes the people that betray you, their betrayal may have nothing to do with you but their own inner hell they face. It brought me a whole understanding that I would never of had if it wasn't for watching my parents struggles.

 

A don't always equal child abdonment, my dad was ALWAYS with us & never missed anything & made a point for us to feel special to him, during A. My mom always said no matter what don't act as your dad's actions ever caused him not to be a good father & she's right...my dad wasn't a great husband at times but he was always a great dad.

 

Every WS & BS is different, very hard to generalize situations but IMO & my personal experience...it's not usually the WS that drags their kids in, many times it's the BS...when I hear "you're doing this to me & the kids" not I only do I cringe but so do my friends & H that all came from parental A (we've discussed it many times) when you're S is cheating they're cheating on their S, not their kids. Now some people leave a marriage & leave their kids, that wasn't the A...that was a really bad parent, on top of spouse. Most kids don't want to be brought in the middle of their parents issues, wether or not they divorce. Most want to be left alone & stay out of it.

 

I'm not saying lie to a child but if they ask & or know it should be reiterated that what's happening has nothing to do with them or that either parent loves them less. If they hear or told that "look, what the WS is doing to us" now they've been made part of your marriage & that's not fair to them...same if the WS is saying to much of why they had A...it's plainly no one's problem minus the two that are married.

 

Also my mom was tough, so she also showed us that no matter what happens, life keeps going, that even if you're cheated on is no reason to allow you're whole life to fall apart & that you get up every morning & continue to live & that divorce & or having marriage problems are far from the "worst" thing that can happen to someone in their life & not to let bad things make you forever bitter. Her lessons made me strong & even stronger watching her live that way.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Good friends of mine got divorced recently over her infidelity. She stayed with OM, who also got divorced when his wife found out, and now they live together sharing custody with both of their sets of kids. THOSE two are happy.

 

The kids, not so much. It's plain as day as they try to work out the new blended living arrangement.

 

But the worst part is my friends now ex-husband. He is so incredibly ( and understandably ) bitter and spiteful, and not helpful in any way beyond the basics. And I know this guy....he will be like this forever. He will never forgive. Never try to "get along" Never be civil. It would be one thing if she were simply dead to him, but it's not that. It's worse than dead. It's active hatred. And the kid sees every bit of it.

[Lobe]

But the worst part is my friends now ex-husband. He is so incredibly ( and understandably ) bitter and spiteful, and not helpful in any way beyond the basics. And I know this guy....he will be like this forever. He will never forgive. Never try to "get along" Never be civil. It would be one thing if she were simply dead to him, but it's not that. It's worse than dead. It's active hatred. And the kid sees every bit of it.

 

So does the kid grow up hating his dad or being just like him? Does he grow up like his cheating Mom or hate her too? Does he decide to rise above his parents and create a life of integrity wherein he refuses to repeat his parents mistakes, or does he fall back on FOO issues as an excuse to make horrible life choices?

 

Guess we'll find out when he's a grown-up.

[Whoknew30]

So does the kid grow up hating his dad or being just like him? Does he grow up like his cheating Mom or hate her too? Does he decide to rise above his parents and create a life of integrity wherein he refuses to repeat his parents mistakes, or does he fall back on FOO issues as an excuse to make horrible life choices?

 

Guess we'll find out when he's a grown-up.

 

A lot of these posts in this thread are extremely contradictory IMO. This is the infidelity section so of course you're gonna have people venting about their situations but from what I can read a lot of the posts saying "of course it can ruin the kids for adulthood" are the same saying there was absolutely no excuse for what their WS did (which I ultimately agree) wouldn't that include a bad childhood? So if there is no excuse for any adult's bad behavior, then why try to pin a kid's future bad behavior as an adult, on their childhood? If it's not excuse for a WS why is it a future excuse for their kid?

[Whoknew30]

So does the kid grow up hating his dad or being just like him? Does he grow up like his cheating Mom or hate her too? Does he decide to rise above his parents and create a life of integrity wherein he refuses to repeat his parents mistakes, or does he fall back on FOO issues as an excuse to make horrible life choices?

 

Guess we'll find out when he's a grown-up.

 

A lot of these posts in this thread are extremely contradictory IMO. This is the infidelity section so of course you're gonna have people venting about their situations but from what I can read a lot of the posts saying "of course it can ruin the kids for adulthood" are the same saying there was absolutely no excuse for what their WS did (which I ultimately agree) wouldn't that include a bad childhood? So if there is no excuse for any adult's bad behavior, then why try to pin a kid's future bad behavior as an adult, on their childhood? If it's not excuse for a WS why is it a future excuse for their kid?

[TrustedthenBusted]

So does the kid grow up hating his dad or being just like him? Does he grow up like his cheating Mom or hate her too? Does he decide to rise above his parents and create a life of integrity wherein he refuses to repeat his parents mistakes, or does he fall back on FOO issues as an excuse to make horrible life choices?

 

Guess we'll find out when he's a grown-up.

 

Yep. Time will tell.

 

But I can tell you that however he grows up, one thing till remain true.

 

His parents made his childhood very very difficult.

[ShatteredLady]

I don't think that anyone is saying that if their kids grow-up to be adulterers we will pat them on the back & say, "It's all ok baby. It's all Daddy fault for cheating on Mummy 20 years ago!".

 

Of course FOO issues aren't an excuse to inflict pain on future loved ones. Any kind of FOO experiences.

 

The question is, 'do we think that children are effected?'. My belief is YES! If they're old enough to know what's going on....or if the family dynamic is so changed that their young lives are very different than they would of been.

 

They're effected. I don't believe that loss of innocence is positive. It's sad!

 

The question isn't, "Will children of adultery grow into cheating spouses?"

[ladydesigner]

Every WS & BS is different, very hard to generalize situations but IMO & my personal experience...it's not usually the WS that drags their kids in, many times it's the BS...when I hear "you're doing this to me & the kids" not I only do I cringe but so do my friends & H that all came from parental A (we've discussed it many times) when you're S is cheating they're cheating on their S, not their kids. Now some people leave a marriage & leave their kids, that wasn't the A...that was a really bad parent, on top of spouse. Most kids don't want to be brought in the middle of their parents issues, wether or not they divorce. Most want to be left alone & stay out of it.

 

Oh hell no I have never said something like this. The kids though have been witness to MY tirades. So yes I am positive I damaged my kids somewhat by my reactions post D-day. I am working on myself have been the whole time. I did not like feeling out of control and reactionary and I was like that for a whole year until I got into intensive therapy and on medication. I never acted out that way at any other time during our M though. Good times eh?

[ShatteredLady]

LadyDesigner - "Oh hell no I have never said something like this.". Me neither!

 

I did cry uncontrollably. I did find it impossible to focus. I did become less of a mother (that breaks my heart) & he became a LOT less of a father.

 

My kids are too little to know what was going on. My son was very disturbed the few times I lost it & screamed at my WH.

 

The posts that break my heart & where one of the kids discovers the affair. Ugh! Even worse when the WS convinces them to lie & hide the dirty secret.

[Lobe]

Oh hell no I have never said something like this. The kids though have been witness to MY tirades. So yes I am positive I damaged my kids somewhat by my reactions post D-day. I am working on myself have been the whole time. I did not like feeling out of control and reactionary and I was like that for a whole year until I got into intensive therapy and on medication. I never acted out that way at any other time during our M though. Good times eh?

 

See, I don't think it is healthy for kids to be entirely protected from the reality of pain on d-day either. What lesson are we teaching our children by not showing our anger and hurt? What lessons are we teaching our children about what the pain of betrayal feels like by hiding pain and agony that is normal and natural? Of all the things that are poisonous to children in any marriage it's parents taking digs at each other TO the children. I cried a lot, called my husband a few names to his face and took a few shots at him while the kids were home (normal, understandable) but I never went to the kids and said, "Your Daddy is a selfish cheating a****ole.

Like I said, we teach through example, through words, through action and inaction and the only thing that we know for sure is that every kid is going to make their own mind up about what is right and wrong and you can only hope that they choose a path that isn't perilous and painful by repeating their parents' multitude of mistakes.

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Edited August 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ladydesigner]

LadyDesigner - "Oh hell no I have never said something like this.". Me neither!

 

I did cry uncontrollably. I did find it impossible to focus. I did become less of a mother (that breaks my heart) & he became a LOT less of a father.

 

My kids are too little to know what was going on. My son was very disturbed the few times I lost it & screamed at my WH.

 

The posts that break my heart & where one of the kids discovers the affair. Ugh! Even worse when the WS convinces them to lie & hide the dirty secret.

 

My daughter told me post D-day that she remembers seeing texts to daddy from the MOW, he used to let the kids play games on his iphone whist in his A. It's heartwrenching

[dreamingoftigers]

does cheating affect children --- YES.

 

but guess what EVERYTHING WE DO affects children.

 

this thread is seriously nothing more than wayward bashing. tell me one action by a parent that does not have some impact on their children? Answer THEY ALL DO.

 

instead of cheating i walk out/D - damage

instead of cheating i suffer in a crappy M - damage

instead of cheating i disengage and/or spent more time at work or with friends - damage

instead of cheating i make the best of it but frankly some days it's hard - damage

 

yes, ideal: two loving committed parents but seriously even with that Disney 'happily ever after' situation we all have days... AND keeping that for 20+ years...

 

Maybe this thread isn't all about the special cheater.

 

Maybe it's about the kids......

[Whoknew30]

I don't think that anyone is saying that if their kids grow-up to be adulterers we will pat them on the back & say, "It's all ok baby. It's all Daddy fault for cheating on Mummy 20 years ago!".

 

Of course FOO issues aren't an excuse to inflict pain on future loved ones. Any kind of FOO experiences.

 

The question is, 'do we think that children are effected?'. My belief is YES! If they're old enough to know what's going on....or if the family dynamic is so changed that their young lives are very different than they would of been.

 

They're effected. I don't believe that loss of innocence is positive. It's sad!

 

The question isn't, "Will children of adultery grow into cheating spouses?"

 

Kids are affected by everything...you name it & it affects it them. Why would a parent handle martial problems any different than any difficult situation with their kids? Innocence is lost in many other ways also, once again I understand having a discussions on how to handle it with kids it. Kids will have sadness in life wether there's an A or divorce or not. The question makes more sense as "how to positively get kids through martial problems" vs " are kids affected by an A"...bc I agree with another poster...it turns into WS fault & gets away from how BOTH parents are handling the situation with their kids.

[Whoknew30]

My daughter told me post D-day that she remembers seeing texts to daddy from the MOW, he used to let the kids play games on his iphone whist in his A. It's heartwrenching

 

I met some of my dad's OW when I was a kid. I never told my mom bc she already knew what he was doing & he didn't think I ever knew who they were. Not like we hung out with them, mostly run in's & the one time I caught him while walking in to pick him up from a guy's outing, while my was mom was waiting for us in the car outside. I took as he had issues & he eventually changed, got into church organizations & now that's all he does.

 

I read your posts & it's just so similar to my parents. I really hope he changes & that one day you can get passed all of this, like my parents did. If not, I still think you'll be ok bc from what I've read, you seem to have a really good heart & someone with a really good heart won't down forever

[ShatteredLady]

WhoKnew - "Kids are affected by everything...you name it & it affects it them. Why would a parent handle martial problems any different than any difficult situation with their kids?".

 

 

Of course they are effected by everything but somethings are more life altering than others! My daughter will have her heart broken at some stage & we will console her, we will talk & guide her. I hope that she will have healthy, exciting, loving experiences when she joins the dating world.

 

My life experiences have taught me that she is MORE likely to have healthy relationships if she believes that she comes from a stable, loving family. ALL the really messed-up girls I knew growing up had adulterous fathers! That's no coincidence!

 

Watching your Mum devastated BY the man she looks up to, loves & respects & battling to keep her head together isn't the same as not having/or having big birthday parties! Some things effect kids a lot more than others.

 

This kind of argument reminds me of the sick 'What's wrong with having sex with an underage girl? She's going to have sex & loose her innocence eventually!' Yes! We will all know pain & disappointment in our lives. How does that make adultery any better? They're going to get hurt anyway so why not hurt them early & get it out the way?

 

The question is "Are kids effected?". Do you honestly believe that living in a home with infidelity is no big deal for kids? Water off a ducks back? No big deal? REALLY?

I completely agree that the way BOTH the WS & BS deal with it can make a lot of difference but it can't erase the basic fact that their home isn't what they believed.

 

Not everyone experiences that crushing disappointment & loss of security & faith in love, marriage & commitment. I didn't. Would it effect me, EVEN NOW, if I learnt that my Dad had cheated on my Mum? Hell yeh!!! He would be a complete hypocrite. It would hurt me deeply & I'm in my 40's!! I can't imagine being an impressionable teen & discovering that.

[aileD]

The posts that break my heart & where one of the kids discovers the affair. Ugh! Even worse when the WS convinces them to lie & hide the dirty secret.

My daughter found out because one of her friend's parents saw WS and OW out together. They were discussing-gossiping about it between each other-and daughters friend overheard.

 

Sent daughter an anonymous message.

 

I had no idea until daughter and son got in a fight and wanting to hurt son she yelled that we were getting divorced because daddy is sleeping with a 20 year old.

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Edited August 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ladydesigner]

My daughter found out because one of her friend's parents saw WS and OW out together. They were discussing-gossiping about it between each other-and daughters friend overheard.

 

Sent daughter an anonymous message.

 

I had no idea until daughter and son got in a fight and wanting to hurt son she yelled that we were getting divorced because daddy is sleeping with a 20 year old.

 

I am so sorry It is sick isn't it?

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Edited August 13, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[ShatteredLady]

aileD. OMG! I'm so sorry. There aren't words. What you're going through is horrific. I want to slap some sense into your H I really do.

 

Hugs

Xxxxx

[Whoknew30]

WhoKnew - "Kids are affected by everything...you name it & it affects it them. Why would a parent handle martial problems any different than any difficult situation with their kids?".

 

 

Of course they are effected by everything but somethings are more life altering than others! My daughter will have her heart broken at some stage & we will console her, we will talk & guide her. I hope that she will have healthy, exciting, loving experiences when she joins the dating world.

 

My life experiences have taught me that she is MORE likely to have healthy relationships if she believes that she comes from a stable, loving family. ALL the really messed-up girls I knew growing up had adulterous fathers! That's no coincidence!

 

Watching your Mum devastated BY the man she looks up to, loves & respects & battling to keep her head together isn't the same as not having/or having big birthday parties! Some things effect kids a lot more than others.

 

This kind of argument reminds me of the sick 'What's wrong with having sex with an underage girl? She's going to have sex & loose her innocence eventually!' Yes! We will all know pain & disappointment in our lives. How does that make adultery any better? They're going to get hurt anyway so why not hurt them early & get it out the way?

 

The question is "Are kids effected?". Do you honestly believe that living in a home with infidelity is no big deal for kids? Water off a ducks back? No big deal? REALLY?

I completely agree that the way BOTH the WS & BS deal with it can make a lot of difference but it can't erase the basic fact that their home isn't what they believed.

 

Not everyone experiences that crushing disappointment & loss of security & faith in love, marriage & commitment. I didn't. Would it effect me, EVEN NOW, if I learnt that my Dad had cheated on my Mum? Hell yeh!!! He would be a complete hypocrite. It would hurt me deeply & I'm in my 40's!! I can't imagine being an impressionable teen & discovering that.

 

I don't know how to do the quote thing...I'm terrible with technology.

 

" if she believes she comes from a stable loving family"..."believes. What if she knows her family isn't perfect? Obama's parents were divorced & his dad left him, he became president. All my girl friends (minus one) their mom's left them as kids. All married, all great careers & all created great families. My H & I had trouble, my daughter knew what was going on, honor student, works full time & has never been in trouble & doesn't think we she was ruined from our problems or mistakes. Why, bc each one of the girls I talk about had a strong parent to teach them & be there. Problems in a family affect a kid long term negatively bc the parents didn't do a good at parenting...no matter what's happening in the marriage, parenting comes first. That doesn't mean being too open, or to secrete (depending on the age of the child) it means you just parent the best you can.

 

You're wrong to assume in life that a person won't ever experience crushing disappointment, that's just unrealistic. Wether that comes from a relationship or not. If you would be crushed to know one of your parents had an adult, I don't know what to tell you...how about not placing yourself in their relationship if they were good parents to you. It's a little narcissistic IMO for anyone to themselves in the middle of anyone's relationship including one's parents.

 

So to answer your question, I think A & or divorce (minus a parent that really abandons their child) isn't as devastating if they're not seeing the parents behave as it is. If i were to have seen my mom screaming & crying & acting as she was dying, it may have been that way but I didn't...that's why I'm ok. Also it's a dangerous game to throw "it's being done to the kids too" bc that could guilt a WS into staying when they truly don't want too...which in the end would be worse for a kid to see a couple stay together that shouldn't...that's not very healthy either.

[ShatteredLady]

I think we're looking at things in a different way because of life experiences. I think of infidelity as months & months of gaslighting, lies, cruelty. Insanity making stuff.

 

If my kids were young teens (or older) they would be so aware of the way our family has changed. The pain that my H has inflicted etc etc.

 

Do you think it's healthier for children to divorce immediately & as amicably as possible?

 

I do believe that a single parent can do a great job of raising secure, well balanced kids. I really do.

 

Living through the crazy of complete character change, marital relationship destruction...knowing the whole time it's because Daddy would rather be lusting about another woman than spending FOCUSED time with his family, is different.

 

I guess my view of adultery is different. It's not the action itself, it's all of the crap that goes with it. Maybe I'm just not strong enough to go through all of that whilst being perky, rational & completely calm & focused.

 

 

I don't believe that any adult raised by a parent who very strongly holds FAMILY above anything wouldn't be hurt by the hypocrisy if they later discovered parents adultery.

[Noirek]

I think, whether WS or BS want to accept personal responsibility or not, how the "adults" behave in the marriage has far greater long term effect than this sinplistic idea of white and black. And like I said it is down to each situation. Rug sweeping and continued gaslighting aren't creating a healthy enviroment for children but neither is screaming, dictator rules and hystarical behaviour (from either spouse) in view of the children.

 

Cheating- that's on the cheater and something they need to take full responsibility for. And the affect it may have on their children. The consequences of infidelity can change a child's life... And it can be hard to put things right again. However, when DDay happens, part of the unfair but that's life thing is that now the BS has a role, big role, to play in their child's life. And every descision they make will affect their children. The double life of cheating that is compartmentalized is over for the wayward but it never exists for the BS.... But as we know BS are just as human and fallable as WS. They can be narcissist and bad parents. They can be decent parents but emotional. They can be awesome super parents but They are human. And so they will react not always in their child's best interest. They will be "me first" like their WS was. And some BS will do amazing and others will cut off their own noses or end up in jail. Every story is different. But just because people do screw up doesn't mean you pat them on the back for it.

[aileD]

aileD. OMG! I'm so sorry. There aren't words. What you're going through is horrific. I want to slap some sense into your H I really do.

 

Hugs

Xxxxx

 

Yeah I'd like to slap him upside the head too!

[caregiver]

My parents married and divorced 3 times. All the divorces were while us kids were growing up and there was a lot of really loud fights. I remember hiding in the basement and hearing my older brother upstairs sticking up for my mom. My dad was cheating with his friends wives and my mom's best friend.

 

Those were really ugly times and I saw more than I want to talk about. I grew up with the idea that I would find the right girl and never divorce. I suffered greatly as a young teen as I was only interested in girls I could see myself spending my life with. And that sort of attitude is like having the plague. They couldn't run away fast enough.

 

And when my wife and I had issues, I remembered things I saw and I could not do that to my wife. And I thought about my kids who were just a little older than I was. I stayed and we worked out our problems. Now they seem like minor things.

My sister has three kids with three different husbands. Now she lives alone and is not dating. My brother got into drugs as a teenager and committed suicide in his 20's.

 

My parents still loved each other up until my dad's death not long ago. They even went camping together, My dad and his new wife and my mom and her new husband. They just could not get along as husband and wife.

Edited August 11, 2016 by caregiver

[Cloudcuckoo]

A friend I had was in a long term affair. She'd been caught by her now ex husband and the whole business blew up both families in an awful way, but she continued to see her other man.

 

One of her daughter's used her phone one day and saw a text from her lover. She told her Dad.

 

The marriage ended and the older three children do not have a healthy relationship with their Mother, more so since they've seen the lover become their Mum's new husband. Years on the older ones are all out on their own (2 younger girls still with their Mum and her second husband) but spend their time in the majority with their Dad.

 

Those close ties the older ones once had with their Mum are long gone now. They still don't want to be around the man they see as having 'stolen' their Mum from their Dad, rightly or wrongly, that's how they feel.

 

It's so sad when they were once such a close family. Their Dad is civil to his ex wife (she was, and probably will always be the love of his life) but steers clear of her husband.

 

Has all they've witnessed affected them? Of course it has! You can't compare treachery to any other family dilemma. It simply doesn't....

[Toodaloo]

I am dating a guys who's father has "run off" with his mothers (now ex) best friend at the grand old age of 70.

 

I can tell you right now that YES. It does affect the children no matter how young or old.

 

How you deal with it depends on how they cope with it.