Does having parents who cheat affect the children?

[waterwoman]

We were very 'discrete' about H's affair - we didn't have stand up rows in front of the children and we tried to act as normally as possible. But I was devastated and I know they overheard me crying and yelling at H - things have be said, and tears have to be shed and if you share a house with your children they may run the risk of witnessing some of this, but we kept it to a minimum. I did a lot of my grieving on marathon walks with the dog and texted H to ask questions or when I needed reassurance.

 

I know on one occasion my youngest overhead one of the worst rows (it was late at night and he was in bed) and was in floods of tears.

 

I regret it all so much but I was in bits and I really did keep the pain and confusion in check as much as I could. I still don't know whether they know about the A -I didn't tell them - so it might well have just come across as mum being a b*tch to dad. My eldest boy is a little defensive of his dad so it may be that that is the case. So be it. I have no desire to throw it all in their faces.

[Whoknew30]

I think we're looking at things in a different way because of life experiences. I think of infidelity as months & months of gaslighting, lies, cruelty. Insanity making stuff.

 

If my kids were young teens (or older) they would be so aware of the way our family has changed. The pain that my H has inflicted etc etc.

 

Do you think it's healthier for children to divorce immediately & as amicably as possible?

 

I do believe that a single parent can do a great job of raising secure, well balanced kids. I really do.

 

Living through the crazy of complete character change, marital relationship destruction...knowing the whole time it's because Daddy would rather be lusting about another woman than spending FOCUSED time with his family, is different.

 

I guess my view of adultery is different. It's not the action itself, it's all of the crap that goes with it. Maybe I'm just not strong enough to go through all of that whilst being perky, rational & completely calm & focused.

 

 

I don't believe that any adult raised by a parent who very strongly holds FAMILY above anything wouldn't be hurt by the hypocrisy if they later discovered parents adultery.

 

See your talking about the pain your husband inflicted on you. He didn't do it to your kids. So unless he's a crappy father, he didn't do it to them...he did it to you. So for them to think daddy is lusting for another woman over them...that would have come from you. He may be lusting for another woman but that doesn't equal him being a bad father...husband yes but not bad father, why are you tying it together? I really don't understand, unless he's being a crappy dad alone & that is another problem, not the same one.

 

You're trying defend that it's ok to bring your kids in to your actual relationship. I'm not judging or being mean I'm just being honest. You have your relationship & then your family, they are not one. They go hand in hand but not the same. Kids should never be in the middle of their parents crap & there isn't any excuse for them to be. The crazy you speak of is "your relationship" not your family unless you have made it so. Could your relationship problems affect your family of course but how is up to you & WH...not just the W

[ladydesigner]

This is such an interesting topic to me because I do hold myself accountable for my reactions after Dday. It is unfortunate I had no coping skills. I can only do better going forward, like my WH can't change the past of his A, I cannot change how I reacted. It's unfortunate the A happpened in the first place, but better I work on my coping skills for any future traumatic events.

 

For those whose kids do not know... when they become old enough to ask the question of whether mom or dad cheated what will you say?

[ShatteredLady]

WhoKnew. I also said a lot of other things in this whole conversation...

 

"The question is "Are kids effected?". Do you honestly believe that living in a home with infidelity is no big deal for kids? Water off a ducks back? No big deal? REALLY? I completely agree that the way BOTH the WS & BS deal with it can make a lot of difference but it can't erase the basic fact that their home isn't what they believed.".

 

I think we should just agree to disagree. As I said, I think we have different views of the effects that infidelity has on the whole family...because of life experience.

 

Those were questions & statements in response to your post. I don't believe it's no big deal because everyone is going to be hurt & betrayed as they age. You do. Difference of opinion.

[ShatteredLady]

LadyD. Ugh!!! I've never thought of that one!

 

"For those whose kids do not know... when they become old enough to ask the question of whether mom or dad cheated what will you say?"

 

 

I guess I'm hoping they never will ask. I've never asked my parents but I've never had cause, little bits & pieces remembered from childhood.

 

I don't agree with telling lies to kids (within reason). The first blatant lie I ever told them was when they asked, "What happened to your Mother's Day flowers?". I'd trashed them in the middle of the night I was so angry. I said that "one of the cats knocked them down." & my son asked "Where are they? Can we fix them?" & I replied that the cats chewed them up!!

 

I felt terrible! Obviously I wasn't going to say, "Mummy wigged-out because Daddy bought a buy 2 get 1 half price deal for me & his mistress!!".

 

I've been "lucky" (what a word) my kids know about my health & believe that any tears I can't control are a result of physical pain not emotional.

 

It's obvious that I don't lie well under pressure. I should think about your question....

[aileD]

See your talking about the pain your husband inflicted on you. He didn't do it to your kids. So unless he's a crappy father, he didn't do it to them...he did it to you. So for them to think daddy is lusting for another woman over them...that would have come from you. He may be lusting for another woman but that doesn't equal him being a bad father...husband yes but not bad father, why are you tying it together? I really don't understand, unless he's being a crappy dad alone & that is another problem, not the same one.

 

That's nice in theory. Kids don't see it that way. Cheating on your spouse is like cheating on your whole family to them.

 

How do I know this? My WS pulls that crap all the time with the kids. Him cheating on me DID affect their lives in a bad way and he's to blame for it.

 

Kids think, if you love me then Why would you destroy our family? Why would you hurt our mom? Why would you spend all this time with someone else when you could be with ME.

[ladydesigner]

LadyD. Ugh!!! I've never thought of that one!

 

"For those whose kids do not know... when they become old enough to ask the question of whether mom or dad cheated what will you say?"

 

 

I guess I'm hoping they never will ask. I've never asked my parents but I've never had cause, little bits & pieces remembered from childhood.

 

I don't agree with telling lies to kids (within reason). The first blatant lie I ever told them was when they asked, "What happened to your Mother's Day flowers?". I'd trashed them in the middle of the night I was so angry. I said that "one of the cats knocked them down." & my son asked "Where are they? Can we fix them?" & I replied that the cats chewed them up!!

 

I felt terrible! Obviously I wasn't going to say, "Mummy wigged-out because Daddy bought a buy 2 get 1 half price deal for me & his mistress!!".

 

I've been "lucky" (what a word) my kids know about my health & believe that any tears I can't control are a result of physical pain not emotional.

 

It's obvious that I don't lie well under pressure. I should think about your question....

 

Reason I ask is because there is another forum I participate on where a woman who was in R was just asked by her daughter if dad ever cheated. The mother answered truthfully with no extra details, but the daughter answered with "why weren't we special enough for him not to cheat?" omg broke my heart when i read it but this poster has been setback because of this.

[Lobe]

I agree, 10 bazillion percent.

 

Cheating on your spouse is like cheating on your whole family

 

My WH's affair took its toll on all of us. His mood swings, his treatment of me, the time he took away from home, the invasion of her in his thoughts when he was texting during meals or instead of watching the kids' recitals... F*ck that it's only on the BS's fault the kids feel pain. It's on the WHOLE GODD*MNED FAMILY. You know who took it the hardest? The ones that were old enough to know something was off long before d-day but also didn't understand why Daddy was being a f*ckhead. My kids were in pain, too. All of us were.

Edited August 11, 2016 by Lobe
typo

[Whoknew30]

WhoKnew. I also said a lot of other things in this whole conversation...

 

"The question is "Are kids effected?". Do you honestly believe that living in a home with infidelity is no big deal for kids? Water off a ducks back? No big deal? REALLY? I completely agree that the way BOTH the WS & BS deal with it can make a lot of difference but it can't erase the basic fact that their home isn't what they believed.".

 

I think we should just agree to disagree. As I said, I think we have different views of the effects that infidelity has on the whole family...because of life experience.

 

Those were questions & statements in response to your post. I don't believe it's no big deal because everyone is going to be hurt & betrayed as they age. You do. Difference of opinion.

 

 

If you bring a child in your relationship, then yes it probably would be awful but that would be bad parenting to begin with. A kid shouldn't be wrapped up in your relationship, ever. If dad is sleeping with another woman why is it their business? Is your sex life in general their business? It's called boundaries within your family. If asked they should be told, "your dad & I are having relationship issues, wether or not we divorce, we still love you & this is NOT your problem to worry about"...done! Someone has to be in charge of the situation. My friends & I have had extensive conversations over the years about this & none of us look back & say how devastating it was on us bc it wasn't. The problem was more how it was handled. You never experienced it as a kid, so how do you know how it would be? You're a BS, so that's different than a kid. You're kids weren't at the alter the day you got married.Their dad didn't make marital a promise to them, it was you he betrayed...not them.

[Whoknew30]

That's nice in theory. Kids don't see it that way. Cheating on your spouse is like cheating on your whole family to them.

 

How do I know this? My WS pulls that crap all the time with the kids. Him cheating on me DID affect their lives in a bad way and he's to blame for it.

 

Kids think, if you love me then Why would you destroy our family? Why would you hurt our mom? Why would you spend all this time with someone else when you could be with ME.

 

I've read your other posts, I'm sorry for what you're going through but enabling someone makes you very much part of the problem as a whole. If your H is so bad & affected the whole family, why do you continue to allow him back & pick up his phone calls? Especially after he once already left you, what kind of example are you setting for them yourself? Its a perfect example of yes you're husband's cheating is wrong but how you're handling it is just as devastating to your kids.

 

Seeing their mom continue to run to such a problem isn't doing them any favors. If your H is.a bad man, get away from him with your kids & they'll be ok.

[Lobe]

You're kids weren't at the alter the day you got married. Their dad didn't make marital a promise to them, it was you he betrayed...not them.

 

The step kids were, and yes, he did make a promise to them too. Every child's experience of their parents' infidelity is going to differ based on their own personality, needs, fears, strengths... We are all going to make parenting mistakes. Having an affair is a mistake. I think pretending or lying or hiding things from your kids is. That's how I parent. Might not be everyone's take but it's mine. This was the conversation that took place with our youngest. No one was screaming or yelling, there were lots of tears and hugs.

 

"Why are you and Daddy getting a divorce?"

"Because Daddy fell in love with someone else and doesn't think he wants to be married to Mommy anymore. He still loves you though and will come to visit lots."

"Where is Daddy staying?"

"I'm not sure but I think at his girlfriend's house."

"Do I have to meet her?"

"Maybe someday."

"It will be weird seeing Daddy kiss someone else."

"It will be weird seeing YOU kiss someone someday, too."

"I don't want you guys to get a divorce."

"I know. Me either."

 

ETA: Honesty does not mean bashing or hysterics, it means stating facts.

Edited August 11, 2016 by Lobe

[Whoknew30]

The step kids were, and yes, he did make a promise to them too. Every child's experience of their parents' infidelity is going to differ based on their own personality, needs, fears, strengths... We are all going to make parenting mistakes. Having an affair is a mistake. I think pretending or lying or hiding things from your kids is. That's how I parent. Might not be everyone's take but it's mine. This was the conversation that took place with our youngest. No one was screaming or yelling, there were lots of tears and hugs.

 

"Why are you and Daddy getting a divorce?"

"Because Daddy fell in love with someone else and doesn't think he wants to be married to Mommy anymore. He still loves you though and will come to visit lots."

"Where is Daddy staying?"

"I'm not sure but I think at his girlfriend's house."

"Do I have to meet her?"

"Maybe someday."

"It will be weird seeing Daddy kiss someone else."

"It will be weird seeing YOU kiss someone someday, too."

"I don't want you guys to get a divorce."

"I know. Me either."

 

Why wouldn't one want a divorce or say that if left for someone else? Who wants to be married to someone that doesn't love you anymore?

 

It was a general statement, obviously they're going to have to realize the relationship didn't work out & maybe then the dad could explain

 

"daddy loves you very much but i couldn't stay married to your mom bc I didn't love her anymore & mommy & daddies should never stay married just for kids bc then it causes a really bad marriage & i didn't want to be unhappy anymore but that has nothing tondo with you bc I'll always be your dad & love you no matter what".

[ladydesigner]

Why wouldn't one want a divorce or say that if left for someone else? Who wants to be married to someone that doesn't love you anymore?

 

It was a general statement, obviously they're going to have to realize the relationship didn't work out & maybe then the dad could explain

 

"daddy loves you very much but i couldn't stay married to your mom bc I didn't love her anymore & mommy & daddies should never stay married just for kids bc then it causes a really bad marriage & i didn't want to be unhappy anymore but that has nothing tondo with you bc I'll always be your dad & love you no matter what".

 

If the M ended because of infidelity I would want my children to know that.

[Lobe]

Why wouldn't one want a divorce or say that if left for someone else? Who wants to be married to someone that doesn't love you anymore?

 

Because I wasn't done, and he did still love me. He loved me before, during, and after the affair, and I loved him before, during, and after the affair. I would have been lying if I told my kids I wanted a divorce. Every situation is unique but I still think honesty is best. If YOU were done, the convo might have read:

 

"I'm divorcing Daddy."

"Why?"

"Because Daddy loves someone else. He also loves you very much and that won't change."

"Do you still love Daddy?"

"Yes. But I want to be married to someone who loves me back."

"I don't want you to get a divorce."

"Me either, but I feel like it's the right thing to do."

 

We all do what we think is right. My kids might grow up thinking it's OK to ave an affair because Mommy & Daddy worked it out. They might never have an affair because they saw how close we came to losing everything. They might decide to never have kids to avoid ever having to inflict that kind of pain on them. They might have a string of affairs and multiple children with multiple partners. I have no control over that, only over whether I told the truth, lied, or emotionally manipulated my children.

[Whoknew30]

If the M ended because of infidelity I would want my children to know that.

 

That's fine but what's the difference? Once a marriage is over, it's over & time to rebuild. The end is the same, WS didn't want to be married to BS anymore & IMO at least the WS would have respect enough to leave the BS if that's what they were going to continue to do to them anyways. It's way worse for them to stay & keep cheating.

[Lobe]

IMO at least the WS would have respect enough to leave the BS

 

They don't. They string us along and make our lives hell. lol

 

Ironically, though my husband was the one who wanted the divorce, I was the one who filed. Like, 3 days in. He would have gone back and forth forever if i had let him...

[Whoknew30]

Because I wasn't done, and he did still love me. He loved me before, during, and after the affair, and I loved him before, during, and after the affair. I would have been lying if I told my kids I wanted a divorce. Every situation is unique but I still think honesty is best. If YOU were done, the convo might have read:

 

"I'm divorcing Daddy."

"Why?"

"Because Daddy loves someone else. He also loves you very much and that won't change."

"Do you still love Daddy?"

"Yes. But I want to be married to someone who loves me back."

"I don't want you to get a divorce."

"Me either, but I feel like it's the right thing to do."

 

We all do what we think is right. My kids might grow up thinking it's OK to ave an affair because Mommy & Daddy worked it out. They might never have an affair because they saw how close we came to losing everything. They might decide to never have kids to avoid ever having to inflict that kind of pain on them. They might have a string of affairs and multiple children with multiple partners. I have no control over that, only over whether I told the truth, lied, or emotionally manipulated my children.

 

Did your H leave? Or no? I'm confused. You said in that conversation he left & that's why I said that. If he stayed well then you say he screwed up & he isn't perfect (bc no one is) & move on with it. If your kids have two parents that love them & don't make them focus of their actual relationship, they'll be fine.

[ladydesigner]

That's fine but what's the difference? Once a marriage is over, it's over & time to rebuild. The end is the same, WS didn't want to be married to BS anymore & IMO at least the WS would have respect enough to leave the BS if that's what they were going to continue to do to them anyways. It's way worse for them to stay & keep cheating.

 

I agree it is worse for them to stay and keep cheating. My WH is very good at painting himself as a victim which is why I think i would want kids to know.

[Cymbeline]

Whatever one's perspective on the BS's reaction and how much the children might know or be involved, surely the fundamental damage is that children know their unfaithful parent is a liar and a sneak, who is prepared to hurt a spouse and spend time and money outside the family. Children experience a huge loss of faith in the parent.

 

A family is a unit. A parent cannot deceive without causing damage and loss of respect and a hurt parent's parenting suffers. It's inevitable that children - even adult ones - feel insecure and betrayed.

[dichotomy]

Between marriages, my (now wife) father died suddenly. It was discovered that he had been a sex addict and serial cheater for decades. Even though she was a young adult at the time this happened, the grief and sadness and information - caused her to no longer value fidelity or monogamy or commitments. After all she loved her dad, and her dad loved her mom - so its "just sex" and cheating is not bad - because then her dad would be a bad. So sleeping around and sleeping around with married men is ok:(

 

My own father cheated - but divorced. For me as a child of divorce I wanted to have a long stable marriage and kids - as did my siblings.

[ShatteredLady]

WhoKnew. I don't think that because I'm "only a BS" it naturally follows that my opinions aren't relevant. You are correct, as a child I was not exposed to parental infidelity but my cousins & several friends were. By life experience I mean just that, not first hand experience of being a child but life experiences none the less.

 

I understand that your views may differ being a WS & a BS. Were you also a child of infidelity (I'm sorry. I can't remember)?

 

My children are way too little to know or understand anything about my H's infidelity. Like Mrs Adams I doubt that they have been effected....there was a change in atmosphere in our home but I think my illness has effected them about the same.

 

What I strongly disagree with is your stance that it's the BS's fault if they are. Yes, some bs do cross all responsible boundaries, venting to their kids & putting down the WS etc. however most bs (in my experience. That's all any of us can give) try their hardest to protect their children.

 

We're all different. From what you're saying neither you or your h reacted particularly strongly to being cheated on & your characters & treatment of your family didn't change whilst you were having A's. From my experience & the things I've read, this is a very unusual situation.

 

Let's agree to disagree. I can only believe what you say & conclude that 'some' children of infidelity (like yours) are not effected at all by their parents adultery. I still believe that most are.

 

We may only make vows in marriage to each other but I believe that there is a deeper unwritten vow when a couple plans to have children. Children deserve stability & protection. I want my kids to remain happy-go-lucky & innocent as long as possible. Maybe that's just me! As I said my children are young.

 

Perhaps my opinions will change as they grow older & I will consider ALL experience as just a learning opportunity. I can't imagine it though. There are many bad things in life that I hope they will never experience.

[Lobe]

Did your H leave? Or no? I'm confused. You said in that conversation he left & that's why I said that. If he stayed well then you say he screwed up & he isn't perfect (bc no one is) & move on with it. If your kids have two parents that love them & don't make them focus of their actual relationship, they'll be fine.

 

WH was wavering and unable to pick between me and xOM so he left the house. I asked if he wanted a divorce and he said yes so I filed. He spent a week trying to romance and woo me and I said I wasn't interested in being the other woman to his girlfriend, that he had made his choice when he left the house, and that I was too old to play headgames. He moved home about 10 days later, ready to go NC with her and sort out the f*cked up shreds of our marriage.

 

I had no reason to lie or sugarcoat. I had no reason to dramatize or exaggerate. I simply told the truth: Daddy was leaving because he was in love with someone else NOT because we had some disagreements we couldn't work out (lie) or because he was a selfish bastard whose dick would hopefully fall off one day pumping his [] new lover (true but not appropriate lol) and I did not want a divorce (but was ready to if it meant having a sister wife.)

 

Like I said earlier, I think that our kids are affected by infidelity, even if they are too young to remember it. Did you divorce because of the A before the kids were out of diapers? Still affected them. Did you reconcile and your marriage is stronger than ever now? Still affected them. Affairs change how you fundamentally approach life. To think that you conduct yourself exactly the same one way or the other is pure naive speculation.

Edited August 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~6

[Whoknew30]

WH was wavering and unable to pick between me and xOM so he left the house. I asked if he wanted a divorce and he said yes so I filed. He spent a week trying to romance and woo me and I said I wasn't interested in being the other woman to his girlfriend, that he had made his choice when he left the house, and that I was too old to play headgames. He moved home about 10 days later, ready to go NC with her and sort out the f*cked up shreds of our marriage.

 

I had no reason to lie or sugarcoat. I had no reason to dramatize or exaggerate. I simply told the truth: Daddy was leaving because he was in love with someone else NOT because we had some disagreements we couldn't work out (lie) or because he was a selfish bastard whose dick would hopefully fall off one day pumping his [] new lover (true but not appropriate lol) and I did not want a divorce (but was ready to if it meant having a sister wife.)

 

Like I said earlier, I think that our kids are affected by infidelity, even if they are too young to remember it. Did you divorce because of the A before the kids were out of diapers? Still affected them. Did you reconcile and your marriage is stronger than ever now? Still affected them. Affairs change how you fundamentally approach life. To think that you conduct yourself exactly the same one way or the other is pure naive speculation.

 

It could be in a good way though. It's actually been in a good way for my daughter too, not that I recommend learning the lessons I or my daughter did the way we did but it taught me more & prepared me for things later on that I maybe wouldn't have known how to handle if it wasn't for my childhood experiences. It made me...me & I'm happy it all worked out the way it did or my life wouldn't be what it is now. So your kids have a sporting chance

Edited August 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quoted language ~6

[Lobe]

It could be in a good way

 

That's been my point all along. Sometimes the lesson isn't do as I do but do not do as I do lol

[aileD]

I've read your other posts, I'm sorry for what you're going through but enabling someone makes you very much part of the problem as a whole. If your H is so bad & affected the whole family, why do you continue to allow him back & pick up his phone calls? Especially after he once already left you, what kind of example are you setting for them yourself? Its a perfect example of yes you're husband's cheating is wrong but how you're handling it is just as devastating to your kids.

 

Seeing their mom continue to run to such a problem isn't doing them any favors. If your H is.a bad man, get away from him with your kids & they'll be ok.

 

Because I'm navigating this the best way I know how and trying to do what's right for everyone. You can look at it any way you want--that I'm teaching them bad things or I'm teaching them good things. If you read my history you k ow my husbands history and so do my children. Am I teaching them to give up and cut someone out who obviously is goi g them something major, or am I teaching them to get walked over?

 

I DONT KNOW. My kids are handling it the best they can too and we are navigating together . Yes they are hurt but they don't want the divorce either.