Does having parents who cheat affect the children?

[MJJean]

The stats say those kids are 6 times more likely to be unfaithful as well.

 

But I think the issues can run much deeper, creating trust issues and jaded attitudes.

 

Can confirm.

 

My mother and the man who raised me never married, but we've always referred to him as my dad or my step-dad. They met and moved in together when I was 4. They were together for 18 years when my mom passed away unexpectedly.

 

So, Dad cheated on Mom when I was in my very early teens. My younger siblings were around 3 and 5 years old at the time. I cheated on my exH. My sister has cheated multiple times on every man she has been with, including her husband. My brother cheats on his fiance/Baby Momma on a regular basis.

 

No question that the lot of us are jaded and have trust issues.

 

Yes, I wish my mother would have left him. She was unhappy for the last years of her life due to the way he treated her. Zero real remorse.

[cocorico]

That's nice in theory. Kids don't see it that way. Cheating on your spouse is like cheating on your whole family to them.

 

How do I know this? My WS pulls that crap all the time with the kids. Him cheating on me DID affect their lives in a bad way and he's to blame for it.

 

Kids think, if you love me then Why would you destroy our family? Why would you hurt our mom? Why would you spend all this time with someone else when you could be with ME.

 

Um, perhaps **some** kids think that, but far from all! Kids aren't stupid. I certainly didn't feel that way, nor did my siblings, nor my H's kids not any other kids I know IRL. We knew that infidelity was about the marriage, about their private relationship, and not about us. We were not narcissistic enough to think everything was about us. We knew our place in the infidelity - that it had nothing to do with us.

 

Perhaps some kids are taught differently, but they're different to the rest of us.

[cocorico]

 

A don't always equal child abdonment, my dad was ALWAYS with us & never missed anything & made a point for us to feel special to him, during A. My mom always said no matter what don't act as your dad's actions ever caused him not to be a good father & she's right...my dad wasn't a great husband at times but he was always a great dad.

 

 

In our case, the A triggered my father becoming more available to us kids. It helped lift his depression, and brought some happiness into his life so he wasn't so stressed and isolated. It was the best time during our childhoods.

[cocorico]

The stats say those kids are 6 times more likely to be unfaithful as well.

 

 

 

Interesting. I've never been unfaithful, because I don't play games. I know plenty of others who have been unfaithful, and most of them come from homes where - as far as anyone knows - neither parent was unfaithful. I think a great deal depends on how it was handled, and what lessons were learned.

 

For me, I learned that marriage was trapping - especially once there were kids - and that there was no such thing as "happily ever after". As such, I view relationships more realistically - that people should only be together as long as it's working for both of them. Because I know how toxic it is as a kid when your parents are only staying together "for the kids", and because I grew up seeing that the happiest families were those where the parents split, I knew that divorce wasn't the scary thing preached at us. So when I was unhappy in my M, I left. My xH, OTOH, whose parents would have died 1000 deaths before ever even saying D never mind doing it, had his 1st M end because he medicated his unhappiness with infidelity, rather than walking away from an unhappy R because he'd been taught M was for life.

[smackie9]

As they say, kids become a product of their environment. Most behavior in adulthood is due to learned behavior from childhood.

 

kids adapt much better to having happy separated parents rather than parents in miserable unstable marriage.

[Whoknew30]

Interesting. I've never been unfaithful, because I don't play games. I know plenty of others who have been unfaithful, and most of them come from homes where - as far as anyone knows - neither parent was unfaithful. I think a great deal depends on how it was handled, and what lessons were learned.

 

For me, I learned that marriage was trapping - especially once there were kids - and that there was no such thing as "happily ever after". As such, I view relationships more realistically - that people should only be together as long as it's working for both of them. Because I know how toxic it is as a kid when your parents are only staying together "for the kids", and because I grew up seeing that the happiest families were those where the parents split, I knew that divorce wasn't the scary thing preached at us. So when I was unhappy in my M, I left. My xH, OTOH, whose parents would have died 1000 deaths before ever even saying D never mind doing it, had his 1st M end because he medicated his unhappiness with infidelity, rather than walking away from an unhappy R because he'd been taught M was for life.

 

 

I just read this article on how they took like 100 couples (can't remember what college) & gave them a questioner on cheating. The majority said that cheating happens a lot...but even asked if their partner would cheat like a overwhelming majority said "never". That's how naive people can be, "yes it happens all the time but never to me".

 

I think that when you see something as a child it makes you more aware of things as an adult, you have sharper logic & more understanding of situations wrong or right in nature. I've can't even tell you how many times I've seen a couple & could pin point that we're going to have problems or if they're cheating...just by observing them & when it happens or comes out...other saying " I didn't see that coming" when (not bc i wanted to or cared) I saw it a mile away. It's not pessimistic either, I just see what I see...so I 100% agree with you...kids from A see thing more realistically then they do optimistically...which I love bc I always know when there's a problem.

[LM85]

My Father's affair has affected me hugely.

 

I was 18 when I woke up to Mum screaming at Dad early on a Sunday morning and it turns out, she had uncovered his three year long affair when he came home a few hours earlier - (after a supposed night out with friends, when he was neither drunk nor "smelling" like a pub..cue Mum checks his phone (nothing) wallet (a sim card) inserts into his phone and discovers everything)

 

Mum chose to forgive; they had been childhood sweethearts, married for more than three decades and had two kids together. She still struggles with his affair now but for the most part, their marriage is better than it ever was.

 

My brother has never fully forgiven our Dad for doing that to Mum. He, nor I, can't quite get over the fact that the man who taught us; how to ride a bike, drive a car and had the strongest morals on loyalty and lying, could do that.

 

For me it's slightly different, his actions have reared their ugly head in my romantic relationships.

 

After two serious relationships, one of which ended in me being cheated on, I find it pretty much impossible to trust someone completely.

 

My current boyfriend and I have been together for a little under a year and whilst he's a decent guy, I don't fully trust him, for no other reason than if my Father can conduct a three year long affair and cheat on the woman he has loved since he was 15 years old, had been with for more than 30 years and had two children with, what is to stop my boyfriend of 10 months doing the same to me?

 

I've recently gone to counselling and my therapist suggested his affair is largely the reason for my trust issues. My Father found out (after I called my Mum in tears and spilled my guts) and he was devastated. He told me he made a mistake and it's something he wishes he could take back.

 

Although his apologies help (My Mother and our hurt over the entire situation) but correctly or not, his actions have damaged me and possibly my ability to ever fully trust my boyfriend 100%.

[cocorico]

The biopic Amy positions Amy Winehouse's father's infidelity - and subsequent leaving for the OW - as pivotal to her teenage depression, eating disorder and subsequent addictions. Both her parents were pretty absent, though - any parenting was done by her grandmother, it seems.

[wmacbride]

See your talking about the pain your husband inflicted on you. He didn't do it to your kids. So unless he's a crappy father, he didn't do it to them...he did it to you. So for them to think daddy is lusting for another woman over them...that would have come from you. He may be lusting for another woman but that doesn't equal him being a bad father...husband yes but not bad father, why are you tying it together? I really don't understand, unless he's being a crappy dad alone & that is another problem, not the same one.

 

You're trying defend that it's ok to bring your kids in to your actual relationship. I'm not judging or being mean I'm just being honest. You have your relationship & then your family, they are not one. They go hand in hand but not the same. Kids should never be in the middle of their parents crap & there isn't any excuse for them to be. The crazy you speak of is "your relationship" not your family unless you have made it so. Could your relationship problems affect your family of course but how is up to you & WH...not just the W

 

Sorry, but this reflects the concept that kids have no idea what their pargets are doing.

 

Simply put, they know far, far more than what some would like to think.my children, small as they were at the time, knew what was going on, though neither one of us said anything.

 

kids ar far more emotionally sensitive than what you might think. They can pick up on their parents emotional state. That affects them in many ways.

[wmacbride]

This is such an interesting topic to me because I do hold myself accountable for my reactions after Dday. It is unfortunate I had no coping skills. I can only do better going forward, like my WH can't change the past of his A, I cannot change how I reacted. It's unfortunate the A happpened in the first place, but better I work on my coping skills for any future traumatic events.

 

For those whose kids do not know... when they become old enough to ask the question of whether mom or dad cheated what will you say?

 

Mine knew, and when they asked me, I lied. I hate that to them.

 

The asked again some time later and that time, we told them the truth. No excuse. We also explained to them that adult sometimes make hurtful choices, but their dad was sorry for his, and was working really hard to understand why he did.

 

It takes a big person to admit they have have done something wrong and to say they are sorry, but people can make up for the pain they have caused While their can be times a husband and wife hurt each other, it is possible to move forward.

 

That's the lesson I hope they took from all of this.

[wmacbride]

Um, perhaps **some** kids think that, but far from all! Kids aren't stupid. I certainly didn't feel that way, nor did my siblings, nor my H's kids not any other kids I know IRL. We knew that infidelity was about the marriage, about their private relationship, and not about us. We were not narcissistic enough to think everything was about us. We knew our place in the infidelity - that it had nothing to do with us.

 

Perhaps some kids are taught differently, but they're different to the rest of us.

 

Based on your on words in your many posts on here, somewhere along the line , your parent's infidelity affected you and your views on marriage, relationships in general, and much more.

[wmacbride]

Here are some links to views on the topic.

 

Children Of Infidelity?How They Hurt, And How They Heal

 

Talking with Children about Infidelity | World of Psychology

 

HEALTH - Psychology - Experts Find Extramarital Affairs Have a Profound Impact on Children - NYTimes.com

 

https://www.ncfr.org/sites/default/files/downloads/news/135_effects_of_infidelity_on_adult_children_and_parents_-_prezi_slides.pdf

[spanz1]

of course it does, but both positively and negatively.

 

In cheaters, it is a way to justify their cheating actions. And, there might be some genetic predisposition on their offspring cheating too (wonder if there are any scientific studies on that one?)

 

But in smart people, it is an example of how NOT to behave, as in "i never want to act like my parent did, and cheat. I saw the consequences of that stupid action".

[Furious]

A question for those who's families were touched by infidelity.

 

If you had a mother or father who cheated, do you feel it affected your life, actions and beliefs as an adult? Would you rather have had them divorce?

 

Personally, I don't think my children will be affected that much by my spouses affair, but I don't know. Except for our youngest, they now it happened, but both my H and myself have put in an effort to explain , in terms and at a level they can understand, what took place why it was wrong, and how he took responsibility for it.

 

I hope that will minimize any negative effects on them ( i had hoped they would never find out, but they did...you'd be surprised how much kids can pick up even if their parents think they are hiding it well). I do know that neither of my daughters is interested in dating, and have asked why so many men see other women when they know it hurts their wives. My husband overheard them asking me that once, and it really made him sad.

 

Do you think having parents who have had affairs harms kids and affects them long term and into adulthood?

 

It would be neglectful to imagine that infidelity does not affect children, whether young, teenaged or adult.

 

In some cultural groups infidelity is a fabric of society that usually has an expectation to not flaunt or trespass on the primary family unit. In those cases infidelity is quietly accepted and generation after generation it continues. Those in that type of dynamic have a certain mindset that infidelity does not harm children if affairs are quietly kept as a side issue and that the impression of a united family is presented.

 

It's interesting that those who claim that affairs do not affect the children are often those who have been exposed to infidelity as children themselves and often in a culture that infidelity is commonplace.

[cocorico]

Based on your on words in your many posts on here, somewhere along the line , your parent's infidelity affected you and your views on marriage, relationships in general, and much more.

 

Nope, my parents' *marriage* affected my views on marriage, etc. Those views were already long formed before my father's infidelity.

[ladydesigner]

Nope, my parents' *marriage* affected my views on marriage, etc. Those views were already long formed before my father's infidelity.

 

This could be true in my sitch too...

 

My parents (whom had an exit A to be together) did not have a great M. They had poor communication, my mom always complained about my dad and how she wished she could leave and then went and had 3 more A's on my dad.

 

Before I knew of my parents Exit A and my mom's infidelity I perceived it as she stayed for us kids. Which is EXACTLY the same pattern I am following

 

I had my own A and used my mom's A as a green light to have mine (stupid I know ).

[l8estnews]

I came from a family touched by infidelity and I am the "child." If you have all read my posts, I guess you will see how GRAVELY I was affected by it. People say that as long as both parents will be present, everything will be okay.

 

I doubt it. It's never the same. I have a strong allegiance to my family and when it was ruined, my whole sense of security collapsed. After leaving with his OW, my father was initially into the whole "I am still your father" thing. But when he had his own children with the OW, of course there's "priority" issues, competition in attention, financial resources, jealousy of the OW, etc.

 

My father is still my father, but that so-called "small change" in dynamics affected me so MUCH. I no longer have a father who can stay late at night in my bed reading me stories, nor that role model of two people being together showing affection and love each other that extends to us, their kids.

 

Now, I was faced with thinking twice if I should ask my father for something since I have to check on the feelings of my half-siblings or my "step-mom"....

 

Some people here says that it's about the parents' private relationship, that it's not about the kids. YES, that's true, but to think that "parent-child" relationship will not change, is nothing but untrue.

 

Ughh... no, it's a mess. Truly a mess. This works for some, but not for everyone. Now, I don't know if I can ever trust anyone to "marry" because for some reason, marriage has an expiration date. That's what life showed me. That love will diminish eventually, so why put yourself in a contract that will mesh up your life, finances, and stuff when eventually, someone will lose interest and make a mess of everything?

 

*Oops* my cynicism is overflowing. Sorry, effects of having touched by infidelity

Edited August 26, 2016 by l8estnews
Additional Input

[jenkins95]

(((l8estnews)))

 

An extremely insightful, moving and heartfelt post. I hope you meet a wonderful partner one day who can help restore your faith and trust in love, fidelity and the family unit.

 

Thanks for sharing this with us.

 

I came from a family touched by infidelity and I am the "child." If you have all read my posts, I guess you will see how GRAVELY I was affected by it. People say that as long as both parents will be present, everything will be okay.

 

I doubt it. It's never the same. I have a strong allegiance to my family and when it was ruined, my whole sense of security collapsed. After leaving with his OW, my father was initially into the whole "I am still your father" thing. But when he had his own children with the OW, of course there's "priority" issues, competition in attention, financial resources, jealousy of the OW, etc.

 

My father is still my father, but that so-called "small change" in dynamics affected me so MUCH. I no longer have a father who can stay late at night in my bed reading me stories, nor that role model of two people being together showing affection and love each other that extends to us, their kids.

 

Now, I was faced with thinking twice if I should ask my father for something since I have to check on the feelings of my half-siblings or my "step-mom"....

 

Some people here says that it's about the parents' private relationship, that it's not about the kids. YES, that's true, but to think that "parent-child" relationship will not change, is nothing but untrue.

 

Ughh... no, it's a mess. Truly a mess. This works for some, but not for everyone. Now, I don't know if I can ever trust anyone to "marry" because for some reason, marriage has an expiration date. That's what life showed me. That love will diminish eventually, so why put yourself in a contract that will mesh up your life, finances, and stuff when eventually, someone will lose interest and make a mess of everything?

 

*Oops* my cynicism is overflowing. Sorry, effects of having touched by infidelity

[seren]

My son was an adult when he learned that his Dad had, had an affair. Old enough to know it was between me and his Dad, but he still was affected by it, to presume otherwise would be naive. He and most children of affairs can sense the difference in their parent when one isn't fully engaged in family life, no matter how much the WS thinks they are doing a good job of hiding it. Most BS will say they sensed something was up and blamed stress and waited for the WS to return to the person they knew.

 

My son was angry because of what H had done to me and to us, he also lost a little respect for the man he had held up on a pedestal and while they have a wonderful relationship, it will always have his father's infidelity as its history. Being a family means being a unit, yes there is the parent relationship, but children rarely think of affairs this way. The parent who brings discord into that relationship will always be seen as not treating it right, unless there is a total disconnect in the family anyway.

 

I have done more than a little work with families that are troubled and affairs are right up there as the underlying cause. Whether the child is young and blame themselves for doing something wrong to make their parent not be happy with the family, or older, who have their own views of morality and protection of the parent who is the BS.

 

I have also seen families who think not discussing it with children who ask, struggling to keep up a happy facade while there is an undercurrent that children pick up on, if there is no explanation they quickly assume the problem lies with them. Then of course there is the rumour mill that happens and they hear it from their friends or peers. That is the worse way they find out.

 

When my son heard me and his Dad arguing on D Day (H told me), my first reaction was to tell him that his Dad needed a hug from him and that he was loved. This to a 22 year old. he did hug his Dad and tell him he loved him, he also called him a prick, but his first thought was for me. H still struggles with what happened, he feels he has lost integrity and is ashamed that our son knows he had an A, he feels he can no longer give him advice about honesty and integrity, thankfully he doesn't need to, our son has that in spades. Our son also abhors infidelity and once said to me. I am glad that Dad wasn't the same when the A was going on, otherwise if he was that good at hiding it and lying I could never trust him again. They have a wonderful relationship. but it will change how children view relationships, no matter how much people would like to think otherwise.

[Whoknew30]

My son was an adult when he learned that his Dad had, had an affair. Old enough to know it was between me and his Dad, but he still was affected by it, to presume otherwise would be naive. He and most children of affairs can sense the difference in their parent when one isn't fully engaged in family life, no matter how much the WS thinks they are doing a good job of hiding it. Most BS will say they sensed something was up and blamed stress and waited for the WS to return to the person they knew.

 

My son was angry because of what H had done to me and to us, he also lost a little respect for the man he had held up on a pedestal and while they have a wonderful relationship, it will always have his father's infidelity as its history. Being a family means being a unit, yes there is the parent relationship, but children rarely think of affairs this way. The parent who brings discord into that relationship will always be seen as not treating it right, unless there is a total disconnect in the family anyway.

 

I have done more than a little work with families that are troubled and affairs are right up there as the underlying cause. Whether the child is young and blame themselves for doing something wrong to make their parent not be happy with the family, or older, who have their own views of morality and protection of the parent who is the BS.

 

I have also seen families who think not discussing it with children who ask, struggling to keep up a happy facade while there is an undercurrent that children pick up on, if there is no explanation they quickly assume the problem lies with them. Then of course there is the rumour mill that happens and they hear it from their friends or peers. That is the worse way they find out.

 

When my son heard me and his Dad arguing on D Day (H told me), my first reaction was to tell him that his Dad needed a hug from him and that he was loved. This to a 22 year old. he did hug his Dad and tell him he loved him, he also called him a prick, but his first thought was for me. H still struggles with what happened, he feels he has lost integrity and is ashamed that our son knows he had an A, he feels he can no longer give him advice about honesty and integrity, thankfully he doesn't need to, our son has that in spades. Our son also abhors infidelity and once said to me. I am glad that Dad wasn't the same when the A was going on, otherwise if he was that good at hiding it and lying I could never trust him again. They have a wonderful relationship. but it will change how children view relationships, no matter how much people would like to think otherwise.

 

It does but not nessarly in a bad way. Parents are our first examples but learned they're not perfect & no human should ever be perceived as perfect or on a pedestal, that's not realistic for any human in any situation & that's ok.

 

My dad never felt shame we knew about his mistake or felt he couldn't speak to us about truth or integrity bc the best people to learn from are those who have made mistakes.

 

I've also worked with families & kids usually pick up on how parents handle the situation...discord can come from many directions, I've seen kids blame the BS for making the WS go away...there's many factors to how a child is affected & it involves both parental parties, not just the WS actual A.

[Cymbeline]

I guess a great deal depends upon whether the marriage ends due to the affair it is reconciled. It would also depend upon the quality of the reconciliation and the functioning of the family unit thereafter.

 

I work in education and regret family break up enomously. To quote Frank Pittman, the effects reverberate down the generations and change the future of the family unit forever.

[Gr8fuln2020]

A question for those who's families were touched by infidelity.

 

If you had a mother or father who cheated, do you feel it affected your life, actions and beliefs as an adult? Would you rather have had them divorce?

 

Personally, I don't think my children will be affected that much by my spouses affair, but I don't know. Except for our youngest, they now it happened, but both my H and myself have put in an effort to explain , in terms and at a level they can understand, what took place why it was wrong, and how he took responsibility for it.

 

I hope that will minimize any negative effects on them ( i had hoped they would never find out, but they did...you'd be surprised how much kids can pick up even if their parents think they are hiding it well). I do know that neither of my daughters is interested in dating, and have asked why so many men see other women when they know it hurts their wives. My husband overheard them asking me that once, and it really made him sad.

 

Do you think having parents who have had affairs harms kids and affects them long term and into adulthood?

 

The answer to your question is an ABSOLUTE.....VERY POSSIBLY. Every person is different. But can it? ABSOLUTELY!

 

Most of us learn about relationships by watching and being among our own parents' interactions. At a young age, if exposed enough, we develop, model behavior we see and take that into adulthood. NO QUESTION.

[seren]

If, as parents, we teach our children to tell the truth, that we respect honesty and that hurting others is not OK, then it can be very difficult after an A for the WS to expect their children to uphold those values that were previously held as traits that were desirable. Children do learn from parents and the observe, possibly far more than we give them credit for.

 

I have 2 very good friends who split up after she had an affair. They tried to reconcile, but he couldn't forgive. he and the children, both very bright, articulate boys, one aged 11 the other 9. The 11 years old had learned, via the married quarters grapevine that his mother had an affair. He is finding it very hard to accept that his mother hurt his father and his question to me was, why didn't she think about us, that we would be broken up. I said that his parents loved them both and that sometimes people fall out of love. he quickly came back with, but she lied and she hurt my dad and he has to live somewhere else now.

 

All the reiterating that he was loved and that it didn't make his mother love him less or not a good person, fell on little deaf ears. he made sense of it the way an 11 year old would. 18 months later they are both in new relationships and have handled the divorce brilliantly, poster parents for divorced couples, but she has been to hell and back and he has been extremely cruel and disrespectful. Both boys have had counseling to manage their feelings towards her, she says if only she had left first, I agree. It is a work in progress.

[Whoknew30]

Sorry, but this reflects the concept that kids have no idea what their pargets are doing.

 

Simply put, they know far, far more than what some would like to think.my children, small as they were at the time, knew what was going on, though neither one of us said anything.

 

kids ar far more emotionally sensitive than what you might think. They can pick up on their parents emotional state. That affects them in many ways.

 

I knew 109% what was happening with my parents. Parents are grown ups in a adult relationship, adult relationship have problems. Life is & will always be filled with problems, that's reality & you can't shield kids from it forever. So no it doesn't reflect that bc I'm speaking on preraonal experience. It all boils down to how parents, parent while going through a tough time. If you have two good parents, the kids will be fine. More than half my friends only had one good parent & they're all fine. Do we all go through some kind of crap as kids through life, yes...it's called life.

[wmacbride]

I knew 109% what was happening with my parents. Parents are grown ups in a adult relationship, adult relationship have problems. Life is & will always be filled with problems, that's reality & you can't shield kids from it forever. So no it doesn't reflect that bc I'm speaking on preraonal experience. It all boils down to how parents, parent while going through a tough time. If you have two good parents, the kids will be fine. More than half my friends only had one good parent & they're all fine. Do we all go through some kind of crap as kids through life, yes...it's called life.

 

I don't agree.

 

Look at the rise in everything from divorce to mental health issue such as depression, personality disorders such as BDP and more.

Sure, some of that could be because people are more open about things,

but kids have a way of internalizing things that doesn't fit into adult logic.

 

While I agree that divorce can be handled well, that wasn't the topic of this thread. It's about the effect affairs have on children, and whether it can be harmful to hem. Many mental health care professionals feel it does, and between their views and the responses of many on here, I would hazard a guess that they do.