Does having parents who cheat affect the children?

[Lion Heart]

Ofcourse infidelity affects the children.

 

How could it not.

 

Either way, whether the couple stays together or divorces THAT scenario is modelled to the children.

 

It matters far more what is DONE than what is said.

Actions speak louder than words.

 

My brother and I had an unfaithful father who left, married his OW and we pretty much despised him even though our mother never spoke of it. I found out many years later.

 

It made me 99% intolerant of any form of cheating.

IMHO for a person to cheat, they show a lack of love, respect and huge amount of selfishness.

 

My brother never M but has been in a LTR for near 30y.

He doesn't trust M vows at all.

 

I picked up and left my exWH the moment I found out. With a 9 month old baby. His next wife has stayed and suffered his multiple affairs. Even though she knew what he'd done to us. She thought she'd change him. Mmmmm.

 

STBexVWH is now also gone. My children wanted that days after he disclosed he "kissed a woman" to them. They were only 12y 12y and 9y. Ofcourse eldest DD could barely breathe in the same room as him.

 

I tried to "understand one affair" but after 9 months discovered many many more, under the threat of a lie detector test. There was so much more than 'only' affairs to be disclosed. Which is all still rolling in.

 

The children have learnt thoroughly first hand how devastating "only one affair" can be.

 

This is the ONLY good thing to come out of it.

A thorough lesson for my children.

 

Both exWHs fathers were WHs too.

Their wives stayed.

What they learnt was that affairs are ok.

So they followed THAT modelling.

No matter how much their mothers preached the evils of infidelity in M.

 

STBexVWH has 3 siblings. ALL have had affairs. It's a veritable sex circus in that family.

100% proof of actions speaking way louder than words.

 

Lion Heart

[Cymbeline]

If you cannot put stability for your children first ( absent abuse of course). Then consider whether parenthood really is for you. Of course the children will survive.

But by 2025, mental health is forcast to be the world's no two health problem, behind obesity, which is also , at base, a mental health issue.

 

A Secure and stable childhood is the best prevention.

[waterwoman]

"If, as parents, we teach our children to tell the truth, that we respect honesty and that hurting others is not OK, then it can be very difficult after an A for the WS to expect their children to uphold those values that were previously held as traits that were desirable"

 

What Seren said. This is the fundamental reason that infidelity hurts children.

[Whoknew30]

If you cannot put stability for your children first ( absent abuse of course). Then consider whether parenthood really is for you. Of course the children will survive.

But by 2025, mental health is forcast to be the world's no two health problem, behind obesity, which is also , at base, a mental health issue.

 

A Secure and stable childhood is the best prevention.

 

I'm in the mental health field & most health care professionals I know...would never say that just bc one has had an A perticularly makes them unstable or makes them an being unstable parent...there are a lot of unstable parents that have never had an A. A aren't good but they're not the reason mental health is an issue. IMO, the pills that are prescribed to kids under 18 now a days is way of a bigger life time issue vs did a parent have an A & lets not even start talking misdiagnosed mental issues...that's a whole other post

[merrmeade]

I guess time will tell, but I can't see opportunity or interest for my two married sons. I know, I know - how would I know? But I do know what they do at work and nights and weekends and there's just no opportunity. My daughter is single and dates, but when she's monogamous, that's it. She's never been the one to start looking elsewhere though it's been done to her.

 

No, I think there is probably a difference in when they find out about the parent's infidelity - whether as children or as adults. Mine were mostly all three in their 30's. Their mores and relationship ideals were pretty much set.

 

I also think my husband is just a freak and predisposed.

[ShatteredLady]

I think from this thread we can say that MOST members believe that children can, & frequently are, damaged by adultery.

 

It's better if the kids don't know.

 

Divorce as a consequence of adultery generally causes damage. More severe than secret adultery ('just' being exposed to the changes in family dynamic).

 

I guess you could always lie & say you divorced because Mummy stopped Loving Daddy but that must effect kids big time! If you can just stop loving family for no reason what does that teach them?

 

 

Anyway, are we saying that it's best (for the kids) to stay for the kids if you're not at each-others throats? If the infidelity is over is it best to just get-on with life?

 

Is it better to be raised by a single Mum or a 2 parent family with painful secrets in the closet....discuss?!? PLEASE.

 

 

"I work in education and regret family break up enomously. To quote Frank Pittman, the effects reverberate down the generations and change the future of the family unit forever."

Edited September 1, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[merrmeade]

I think this is the reason the parents should, first, decide why the child(ren) need to know. Is it because they're already anxious and confused because they know something is wrong? is it because they think they're responsible? Etc. Then, depending on the answer to that, the parents can use discrimination about how much and what a child is told. The ultimate goal is to give them stability and tranquility now and in such a way that they still have a clear moral compass for the future and understanding of what's important in a loving relationship that will be long-term and protect children.

[Cephalopod]

As they say, kids become a product of their environment. Most behavior in adulthood is due to learned behavior from childhood.

 

kids adapt much better to having happy separated parents rather than parents in miserable unstable marriage.

 

Unfortunately I have a friend who's mom was a serial cheater while he was growing up. For all intents and purposes she was the town bicycle... a rampantly adulterous woman. To make matters worse, his dad refused to divorce her. Eventually she found Jesus and straightened up her act, but the damage was done. He could never respect his mom or dad for the way they messed up his childhood.

 

My buddy resented and hated his mom for what she was, but even more he resented his dad for putting up with it for so long. To this day my friend has skewed ideas about women. To him all women are wh0res not to be trusted. He has been in dozens of short lived relationships. He is a pump 'em and dump 'em guy.

 

He has had no contact with his mom since he left home thirty years ago. His dad died five years ago and he didn't even go to the funeral.

[merrmeade]

Unfortunately I have a friend who's mom was a serial cheater while he was growing up. For all intents and purposes she was the town bicycle... a rampantly adulterous woman. To make matters worse, his dad refused to divorce her. Eventually she found Jesus and straightened up her act, but the damage was done. He could never respect his mom or dad for the way they messed up his childhood.

 

My buddy resented and hated his mom for what she was, but even more he resented his dad for putting up with it for so long. To this day my friend has skewed ideas about women. To him all women are wh0res not to be trusted. He has been in dozens of short lived relationships. He is a pump 'em and dump 'em guy.

 

He has had no contact with his mom since he left home thirty years ago. His dad died five years ago and he didn't even go to the funeral.

It doesn't get sadder than that!

[sandylee1]

It certainly can affect the children and not in a positive way.

 

My good friend's daughter was given her dad's old iPad/iPhone and discovered he had not only an OW, but an OC. She had the very difficult task of having to tell her mother, after discussing with her sister.

 

She doesn't speak to her dad anymore and neither does her sister. He has the audacity to say their mum has turned them against him. Those girls are damaged by his deceit and the oldest has said she never wants to get married as a result.

 

I can just see that some on this thread, either through their guilt or whatever, do not want to accept that it does affect the children. That's not saying that either parent being violent won't affect them or that having a drug addicted parent won't affect them, of course it will. But so does infidelity. Whether you are a FWS or have been an AP, your actions have likely affected the children involved. Of course anyone in that position won't want to admit that.

 

My friend's daughter, certainly felt they weren't enough for their dad ... or why else did he go and get another woman pregnant.

[redbaron007]

...

For those whose kids do not know... when they become old enough to ask the question of whether mom or dad cheated what will you say?

 

I'm a BS and dad of a 6 yo boy. I decided to D after my exW's A and have never regretted my decision. My son thinks I moved to a different city 1h away because of my job, which is partly true, and a whole lot easier to explain to him, since I was traveling for my job before the D. Just after D-Day last year, as a 5 yo, he witnessed some tense exchanges between my ex and myself, with my ex yelling at me (blame-shifting for her A) and my retorting in an icy hostile tone. So he has apparently concluded that Mom and Dad don't get along together, Dad has a job in a different city, hence for these 2 reasons, Dad does not live with us. Considering his tender age, I let the matter rest.

 

Now what would happen if he asks, say in 10 years when he is 16, as to why we broke up? I plan on revealing the truth, as anything short of it would not be fair to him, or to me.

[Whoknew30]

It certainly can affect the children and not in a positive way.

 

My good friend's daughter was given her dad's old iPad/iPhone and discovered he had not only an OW, but an OC. She had the very difficult task of having to tell her mother, after discussing with her sister.

 

She doesn't speak to her dad anymore and neither does her sister. He has the audacity to say their mum has turned them against him. Those girls are damaged by his deceit and the oldest has said she never wants to get married as a result.

 

I can just see that some on this thread, either through their guilt or whatever, do not want to accept that it does affect the children. That's not saying that either parent being violent won't affect them or that having a drug addicted parent won't affect them, of course it will. But so does infidelity. Whether you are a FWS or have been an AP, your actions have likely affected the children involved. Of course anyone in that position won't want to admit that.

 

My friend's daughter, certainly felt they weren't enough for their dad ... or why else did he go and get another woman pregnant.

 

No it's a grew up with multiple kids coming from multiple homes that has infidelity & I didn't see "all this damage" then we're ethnic & were raised different to begin with...Americans tend to think infidelity is the worst thing ever...other cultures (speaking from experience) think that's silly. It's not great but no one in my personal circle (which is huge) has ever talked or handled it like a lot of the things I read on here.

 

Just grew up with too many people that it didn't affect life that bc our parents didn't behave like a lot of BS I've read about on here. No one ever acted like their whole life was ruined bc their spouse had an A...some cultures are just tougher than others in different ways & IMO & experience, straight Americans as a culture are way softer/weaker about infidelity...& I actually repeat some conversations that I read on here to my friends & husband to get their opinions & its bipolar opposite of the majority on some of these threads.

[sandylee1]

No it's a grew up with multiple kids coming from multiple homes that has infidelity & I didn't see "all this damage" then we're ethnic & were raised different to begin with...Americans tend to think infidelity is the worst thing ever...other cultures (speaking from experience) think that's silly. It's not great but no one in my personal circle (which is huge) has ever talked or handled it like a lot of the things I read on here.

 

Just grew up with too many people that it didn't affect life that bc our parents didn't behave like a lot of BS I've read about on here. No one ever acted like their whole life was ruined bc their spouse had an A...some cultures are just tougher than others in different ways & IMO & experience, straight Americans as a culture are way softer/weaker about infidelity...& I actually repeat some conversations that I read on here to my friends & husband to get their opinions & its bipolar opposite of the majority on some of these threads.

 

Sorry, I''m not quite sure what your first sentence means.

 

I think the difference you mean in terms of ethnicity is that infidelity isn't a big deal in some cultures. In that sense I agree with you, but that's because those cultures don't have sexual equality IMO. I'm originally from a patriarchal society where male infidelity isn't so frowned upon.

 

I'm not American and so I don't speak from that viewpoint, but the western world would have a similar POV to America.

 

If as a child your stable home and security of both parents is disrupted as a result of infidelity, then of course it's going to affect you.

 

Quite frankly if infidelity isn't viewed with any seriousness, what's the point in marriage. If being unfaithful is so rampant as you seem to describe in your culture, then it's almost normal. I don't see that as a good thing and it's no wonder that it carries on for generations

[jnel921]

Based on my own experiences I would say growing up and watching my dad come home from work, eat dinner, shower and leave used to make me wonder a lot. Of course when I got older I realized that the only thing open that late at night was another woman's legs. I remember feeling more upset that my mom turned her head to all of that and accepted him as he was. I in turn always felt I'd never let any man get away with that. Then when I was cheated on in not just my first but second marriage I realized how difficult the decision was to share with my children.

 

When I moved their dad out I eventually told them when they got older the reasons . When my current H cheated we kept it to ourselves as we made the decision to R. I don't feel that they should have been involved in the healing process. I did not want them forming any opinions or hurting themselves over what he did. Sometimes it's too personal to share with the world. When I did this with my first H there was no turning back and no room for redemption. But then again he was and still is a serial cheater.

 

My current H was remorseful, it happened twice which was probably at the edge of what I considered a dealbreaker. My question to him was always...why did you go back? It's been over 4 years now. But still feels like yesterday.

 

Infidelity is traumatizing. Spare your kids if you choose to stay in the M.

[ladydesigner]

Spare your kids if you choose to stay in the M.

 

If there is a way to spare the kids (especially if they are young) I say do your absolute best to do that!

 

My kids unfortunately found out from my reactions on Dday overhearing me and also catching texts from the MOW on my WH's phone. My kids had also met MOW before Dday. They were 10 and 7 at the time waaaaaay too young to know, but unfortunately could not go back and erase my reaction.

 

Since my children know about dad's A, they also know about my own RA.

 

We do not discuss our R issues with the kids PERIOD, but they are aware both of us have cheated.

 

Unfortunately this already sets the plate for them as they grow up. I am hoping they will chose the right path when given the crossroad.

 

Infidelity has run rampant (on my side of the family) for 3 generations now.