Does having parents who cheat affect the children?

[ladydesigner]

Mine have been impacted big time. I lost tremendous respect for my wife after D-Day and it showed. And they saw it.

 

Because they look up to me so much, they also lost respect for her, although they really have no idea why. I can see it as clear as day, and she does too.

 

We've decided to reconcile, and it's been going ok, but the kids definitely aren't growing up with the level of respect and admiration for their mother that they should.

 

Some of that is on me. But a lot of it is on her. Not just because she had an affair, but just in the way she contributes to the household ( or doesn't )

 

I could have written the same post. Exact situation over here except that I have not regained respect for my WH.

[aileD]

I'm amazed at how many WS don't want to believe that their affair impact the kids. Oh my kids are fine, they are happy well adjusted kids. Maybe, but what about 10 years from now. Just more delusions.

 

 

All these years later he is just now angry... infidelity is the neverending gift

 

My experience now. My 13 year old son SEEMS well adjusted .

 

But his sister has told me he's crying at night . When I try to talk to him he says he doesn't want to talk about it. He says that he does things to keep his mind from thinking about it. Xbox, friends, but at night he cries.

 

Kids are never "resilient". They are just good at hiding it because they don't want to cause more stress on the betrayed parent.

[Mrs. John Adams]

My children were very small...we never told them or anyone really except my parents. We never separated....and never talked about my infidelity in front of my children.

 

Did it affect them? Maybe....but if it did...they certainly turned out to be great adults....happily married with great kids.

 

Kids are affected by so many things in life...it is hard to pinpoint which things that happened in life affected them positively or negatively.

 

I was a very strict parent....both of our parents thought so. We went to church three times a week....and they were very involved in church activities. However...Now that my daughter is 37 with 4 kids of her own...she criticizes me for not being strict enough. So who knows?

 

My affair changed me...and it changed my husband....did it change the way we parent? as a result did it affect my children negatively? I dunno.

 

In reality...I don't think it did...but I did not have a long ongoing affair.

[MuddyFootprints]

Our kids were older. They knew exactly what was going on. In the first two years of reconciliation they used it against us every time they could. First me, then him. We were struggling to become unified both as a couple and as parents. They were hurt and fired back at whomever, whenever it would suit their needs.

 

My affair effected the entire family.

 

Saying that, there is no topic that is taboo for any of us anymore. We talk freely about everything.

 

Long-term, I'm mostly confident that they will be able to come to us with their relationship issues...whether the issues are with us or a significant other.

[understand50]

My experience now. My 13 year old son SEEMS well adjusted .

 

But his sister has told me he's crying at night . When I try to talk to him he says he doesn't want to talk about it. He says that he does things to keep his mind from thinking about it. Xbox, friends, but at night he cries.

 

Kids are never "resilient". They are just good at hiding it because they don't want to cause more stress on the betrayed parent.

 

My heart goes out to your son. I was the same age when My parents divorced, and I well remember the pain, and wondering of why were they braking apart. What saved me was Boy Scouts, and several gentlemen who made an effort to mentor me. I could go to one and work in his garage, on his shop equipment, another tought me radio and helped me get my Ham license, others took me backpacking, deer hunting, fishing, and gold prospecting. They always had time to listen. Much, of who I am came from these men, and I owe them much.

 

For your son, check out scouts, sports, Big Bothers, or maybe there is a Uncle, that can step in. What he needs, is a good father figure to show him how to be a honorable and responsible man. If they are alive, and of good character, do not forget Grandfathers, or great Grandfathers. I have stepped in with several of my son's friends, who needed to go out and just be boys, and were from broken homes. Took them all shooting, hunting, fishing, camping, or just helped them as much as I could.

 

You husband as fallen down for his son, and if anything will regret it, and hate himself, later. You Son deserved better, but you know this. Please try and find what he needs. Time runs, and soon he will be a man, and looking for a girl. Learning honor, and how to treat other decently, will be of value for the rest of his life.

 

Here is a site, I like and I think has good advise for young men. I tend to give it out, as although is can be a little hokey, it is a sincere attempt to explain to this young generation, just what being a good man is. You may find some good ideas, that may help.

 

The Art of Manliness

 

Also, the dangerous book for boys, is also good, but he maybe too old for it.

 

https://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=dangerous+books+for+boy&tag=googhydr-20&index=aps&hvadid=31546323797&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12665058783771947793&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=b&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_9m7mh9eitk_b

 

For his sister, there is the daring book for girls. All good stuff.

 

In reading this over, I am realize, I am just stating what you already know. Hopefully there are some good ideas and resources that may help.

 

I wish you and yours the best of luck.....

[understand50]

My children were very small...we never told them or anyone really except my parents. We never separated....and never talked about my infidelity in front of my children.

 

Did it affect them? Maybe....but if it did...they certainly turned out to be great adults....happily married with great kids.

 

Kids are affected by so many things in life...it is hard to pinpoint which things that happened in life affected them positively or negatively.

 

I was a very strict parent....both of our parents thought so. We went to church three times a week....and they were very involved in church activities. However...Now that my daughter is 37 with 4 kids of her own...she criticizes me for not being strict enough. So who knows?

 

My affair changed me...and it changed my husband....did it change the way we parent? as a result did it affect my children negatively? I dunno.

 

In reality...I don't think it did...but I did not have a long ongoing affair.

 

Abigail,

 

I do not think you and John are the best examples, as your kids were very young, and while your first attempts at reconciliation were rocky, you still stayed together. You do prove the point, I think, in that while you did have a ONS, it was short, and nether you or John have long term "in your face" affairs that led to divorce. You both shielded your kids.

 

I think infidelity scars children when they are old enough to know and understand what is going on, and see the break up of their family and one of their parents behave so badly. Fortunately, you and John spared them that, and it is to both of your credit or just luck. In any case, infidelity, hurts, and hurts all those that can realize what has gone or is going on. Innocent children can escape some of this because they just do not understand.

 

As always, i wish you luck....

[aileD]

I Agree.

 

When you stay together and build a stronger marriage after infidelity it can also be a good example to your kids about commitment and working through problems and hope and reestsblishing respect.

 

Unfortunately that's not usually the case with infidelity. It usually leads to divorce which also is a huge scar for kids.

[amaysngrace]

Of course it affects the children. They're being cheated on too.

[jenkins95]

Very interesting thread guys.

 

In my close-knit village, an affair came to light a few months ago that has completely rocked the community. The WH had an affair years ago and nearly walked out when his kids (two girls) were 6 and 8 years old. But he stayed for the kids, telling his wife it was over and he was recommitting.....

 

Anyway, as soon as the eldest was 18, he turned all their lives upside down and left for the OW (not 100% sure if it's the same OW or a new one) and moved abroad. He was too much of a coward even to face them, he simply left them a note on the kitchen table one Sunday lunchtime when they were at a sporting event, packed some bags - and left. Apparently in his note he said it was 'easier this way'. Yes - easier for him! His note also revealed that in his deluded mind, he felt that he had been a noble martyr for waiting so long to be with his 'soul mate', sacrificing his happiness in order to be there for his kids, and that after 'it all died down', they could all be friends again.

 

Well.....the BS ended up in a mental institution for months on suicide watch (she is back home now but is almost never seen out in public). The eldest daughter stacks shelves in a local store - nothing wrong with that if it's what you want, but she was a straight A student and had been accepted to a top UK university to study medicine. She gave that up to stay with her mother and has lost all ambition and drive. The youngest daughter, previously very bubbly and outgoing, almost never leaves the house. They have become a ghost family, pale shadows on the periphery of society, completely devastated by their father's actions. This is an extreme example - the fact that he spent 10 years just waiting to leave hurts the most I think. Like the whole decade was just a lie. In retrospect of course, he should have left when they were younger, it would have still been devastating, but he would have saved them a decade of limbo, lies and false hope. He has effectively had them on 'death row' for 10 years without their knowledge. People 'staying for the kids' while secretly checked out and just waiting for the chance to leave, I hope this story may serve as a wake up call.

 

Perhaps the daughters may one day re establish some sort of relationship with him, but the BS has said she never wants to see him again. It's a close-knit community, he let others down too - he walked out on his friends, job and his role as a village councillor without any notice whatsoever - he just vanished from this world into his new one. He would probably never want to come back, but if he ever tried to, I think he'd be chased right back out again. He has destroyed a lot of people's faith in human nature here.

 

Oh, the things people do to pursue their addictions.

 

Good luck everyone.

Edited August 9, 2016 by jenkins95

[ladydesigner]

Very interesting thread guys.

 

In my close-knit village, an affair came to light a few months ago that has completely rocked the community. The WH had an affair years ago and nearly walked out when his kids (two girls) were 6 and 8 years old. But he stayed for the kids, telling his wife it was over and he was recommitting.....

 

Anyway, as soon as the eldest was 18, he turned all their lives upside down and left for the OW (not 100% sure if it's the same OW or a new one) and moved abroad. He was too much of a coward even to face them, he simply left them a note on the kitchen table one Sunday lunchtime when they were at a sporting event, packed some bags - and left. Apparently in his note he said it was 'easier this way'. Yes - easier for him! His note also revealed that in his deluded mind, he felt that he had been a noble martyr for waiting so long to be with his 'soul mate', sacrificing his happiness in order to be there for his kids, and that after 'it all died down', they could all be friends again.

 

Well.....the BS ended up in a mental institution for months on suicide watch (she is back home now but is almost never seen out in public). The eldest daughter stacks shelves in a local store - nothing wrong with that if it's what you want, but she was a straight A student and had been accepted to a top UK university to study medicine. She gave that up to stay with her mother and has lost all ambition and drive. The youngest daughter, previously very bubbly and outgoing, almost never leaves the house. They have become a ghost family, pale shadows on the periphery of society, completely devastated by their father's actions. This is an extreme example - the fact that he spent 10 years just waiting to leave hurts the most I think. Like the whole decade was just a lie. In retrospect of course, he should have left when they were younger, it would have still been devastating, but he would have saved them a decade of limbo, lies and false hope. He has effectively had them on 'death row' for 10 years without their knowledge. People 'staying for the kids' while secretly checked out and just waiting for the chance to leave, I hope this story may serve as a wake up call.

 

Perhaps the daughters may one day re establish some sort of relationship with him, but the BS has said she never wants to see him again. It's a close-knit community, he let others down too - he walked out on his friends, job and his role as a village councillor without any notice whatsoever - he just vanished from this world into his new one. He would probably never want to come back, but if he ever tried to, I think he'd be chased right back out again. He has destroyed a lot of people's faith in human nature here.

 

Oh, the things people do to pursue their addictions.

 

Good luck everyone.

 

I honestly feel like we are a ghost family too. Nothing is what it was. It has been completely annihilated. It would have been one thing for both my kids to see the devastation (they did, they witnessed D-day 1 and I could not keep my composure for anything) and then see us R but unfortunately were also witness to False R discovery as I made my plans to D...until my WH discovered his cancer scare then I became stuck. My children now have a shell of the person I used to be. Trust me I am trying and fighting my way back, but something broke on the day I discovered False R it's like I went numb. I am still numb. Every single f**king day is still a struggle and I still think of the A every day.

 

My daughter never wants to get married and I honestly don't blame her after what she has been through.

 

My son worries about me, I can tell, he is my sweet little guy who didn't deserve any of this sh*t.

 

Both have had major emotional problems and acting out since initial D-day.

Edited August 9, 2016 by ladydesigner

[amaysngrace]

My cousins husband cheated when their boys were little but stayed until their youngest turned 18 and left then to be with his OW.

 

The youngest was in his senior year in high school.

 

So selfish.

[jenkins95]

Keep fighting (((lady D))) - you are an amazing person and your children are very lucky to have a mother like you.

 

 

 

I honestly feel like we are a ghost family too. Nothing is what it was. It has been completely annihilated. It would have been one thing for both my kids to see the devastation (they did, they witnessed D-day 1 and I could not keep my composure for anything) and then see us R but unfortunately were also witness to False R discovery as I made my plans to D...until my WH discovered his cancer scare then I became stuck. My children now have a shell of the person I used to be. Trust me I am trying and fighting my way back, but something broke on the day I discovered False R it's like I went numb. I am still numb. Every single f**king day is still a struggle and I still think of the A every day.

 

My daughter never wants to get married and I honestly don't blame her after what she has been through.

 

My son worries about me, I can tell, he is my sweet little guy who didn't deserve any of this sh*t.

 

Both have had major emotional problems and acting out since initial D-day.

[jenkins95]

My cousins husband cheated when their boys were little but stayed until their youngest turned 18 and left then to be with his OW.

 

The youngest was in his senior year in high school.

 

So selfish.

 

I have no right to take any kind of moral high ground because I had an affair of which I am very ashamed.

 

But when my affair was over, that door shut forever. I find it very hard to understand cheaters who go play out false reconciliation for years, secretly biding their time and leaving when their children have left home as though that makes everything OK, assuaging their guilt with thoughts of martyrdom, of 'doing the right thing' and self-sacrifice. But we do read stories of it quite often here.

 

Aren't we a strange species sometimes?!?

[jenkins95]

My own mother, very much a daddy's girl as a young child had her father walk out on her when she was about 10. I've written about this a few times on LS.

 

It devastated her and her mother. On at least two occasions she came home from school to find her mother in the middle of a suicide attempt. Similar to the eldest daughter in the story I posted earlier, my mother was very promising academically and dreamed of university, but she gave it all up to support her mother and has never really had a career such or ever travelled much outside her home town.

 

When I hit my 20s my grandmother opened up and told me about the affair a few times. Even 40 years later, the tears flowed. She always used to say that it took her 6 years to get over it. I came among much later that that, but I still saw her pain. The fact is, she never got over it.

 

And i feel my mother never reached her potential. Although a good mother and great provider, she was rarely a happy person as I grew up, and she was very wary of opening up or giving herself emotionally. She keeps a large proportion of herself very private where noone else can get to. Self preservation having been so badly hurt as a child.

 

My grandfather showed up again when she was in her 30s and they did maintain a very limited relationship until his death.

 

I feel he robbed them both of their happiness and their potential. It's like they always lived in the shadow of his infidelity after that.

 

And guess what? 20 years later he walked out on the OW (then his second wife) for a newer, younger, shinier OW! It beggars belief really, doesn't it!

[amaysngrace]

I have no right to take any kind of moral high ground because I had an affair of which I am very ashamed.

 

But when my affair was over, that door shut forever. I find it very hard to understand cheaters who go play out false reconciliation for years, secretly biding their time and leaving when their children have left home as though that makes everything OK, assuaging their guilt with thoughts of martyrdom, of 'doing the right thing' and self-sacrifice. But we do read stories of it quite often here.

 

Aren't we a strange species sometimes?!?

 

I never realized that some play the martyr. I saw it as being a dick move wasting their wives prime by not setting them free to find someone else.

 

When they leave the kids are grown and the wife is all alone. They should really have just walked away once they knew they someday wanted to.

[jenkins95]

I never realized that some play the martyr. I saw it as being a dick move wasting their wives prime by not setting them free to find someone else.

 

When they leave the kids are grown and the wife is all alone. They should really have just walked away once they knew they someday wanted to.

 

Totally agree with you Grace. I think some of them consider themselves martyrs to relieve their own guilt...... But really this is just about as cruel and disrespectful as it gets. Ten times worse than simply leaving as soon as they know they are permanently checked out. A lot worry about how they will be viewed by their wider family and society in general and feel that it's more socially acceptable to be seen walking out on an 18 year old than an 8 year old. But it all really just sucks so badly

Edited August 9, 2016 by jenkins95

[beatcuff]

does cheating affect children --- YES.

 

but guess what EVERYTHING WE DO affects children.

 

this thread is seriously nothing more than wayward bashing. tell me one action by a parent that does not have some impact on their children? Answer THEY ALL DO.

 

instead of cheating i walk out/D - damage

instead of cheating i suffer in a crappy M - damage

instead of cheating i disengage and/or spent more time at work or with friends - damage

instead of cheating i make the best of it but frankly some days it's hard - damage

 

yes, ideal: two loving committed parents but seriously even with that Disney 'happily ever after' situation we all have days... AND keeping that for 20+ years...

[jenkins95]

This thread is seriously nothing more than wayward bashing.

 

Us (former in my case) waywards need a bashing from time to time, as long as it it done respectfully as it has been in this thread.

 

does cheating affect children --- YES.

 

EVERYTHING WE DO affects children.

 

instead of cheating i walk out/D - damage

instead of cheating i suffer in a crappy M - damage

instead of cheating i disengage and/or spent more time at work or with friends - damage

instead of cheating i make the best of it but frankly some days it's hard - damage

 

 

Maybe, but cheating does 10 times more damage than any of the others and in fact is likely to lead to one or more of the others ON TOP of the cheating itself. It's the worst possible way to deal with marital issues.

[ladydesigner]

does cheating affect children --- YES.

 

but guess what EVERYTHING WE DO affects children.

 

this thread is seriously nothing more than wayward bashing. tell me one action by a parent that does not have some impact on their children? Answer THEY ALL DO.

 

instead of cheating i walk out/D - damage

instead of cheating i suffer in a crappy M - damage

instead of cheating i disengage and/or spent more time at work or with friends - damage

instead of cheating i make the best of it but frankly some days it's hard - damage

 

yes, ideal: two loving committed parents but seriously even with that Disney 'happily ever after' situation we all have days... AND keeping that for 20+ years...

 

This is true... Life can be damaging

[TrustedthenBusted]

does cheating affect children --- YES.

 

but guess what EVERYTHING WE DO affects children.

 

this thread is seriously nothing more than wayward bashing. tell me one action by a parent that does not have some impact on their children? Answer THEY ALL DO.

..

 

 

yeah, but this particular forum is dedicated to infidelity.

 

A similar thread in the divorce forum would be just as appropriate.

[Noirek]

I agree in small part with beatcuff and definetly disagree in the blanket idea that infidelity is "the worst" damage as it is. Mrs. adams story proves otherwise.

 

Divorce itself can do just as much damage or more if handled poorly as infidelity. But for the people, myself included at one time, who think they can make decisions and it not affect their children, well, that is a mistake. No, you can't cater your life to your kids but you can realize every life descision from how many hours you work to where you live to protecting and strengthing the family unit forms and builds your children. assuming your kids will be okay is not worth the risk of them not.

 

Every story has its own outcome and results. my kids are still small enough not to know what an affair even is. They were tiny during my affair. But had the affair carried on or my marriage ended or were I to have another affair, the impact on their lives would be greater.

[NTV]

does cheating affect children --- YES.

 

but guess what EVERYTHING WE DO affects children.

 

this thread is seriously nothing more than wayward bashing. tell me one action by a parent that does not have some impact on their children? Answer THEY ALL DO.

 

instead of cheating i walk out/D - damage

instead of cheating i suffer in a crappy M - damage

instead of cheating i disengage and/or spent more time at work or with friends - damage

instead of cheating i make the best of it but frankly some days it's hard - damage

 

yes, ideal: two loving committed parents but seriously even with that Disney 'happily ever after' situation we all have days... AND keeping that for 20+ years...

 

 

 

beatcuff brings up a good point. no not the tirade on wayward bashing. this is a place of healing sometimes and threads like these where folks get to talk about their pain helps with healing. so I don't think the intent isn't to bash waywards, as much as it might feel like it.

 

 

The point that was brought up that I think is a good one is where exactly is the line between causing trauma and preparing the child for the real world. we already stated young children don't have as much impact. and examples where the 8-20 has had horrible impact. and adult children... well that's not really a child anymore. So our job as a parent is to work to help our child become the best of themselves that they can be. each child is different. some want coddling but need a push, and some push you because the need coddling, etc. etc....

 

 

I guess what I'm trying to ask is, we can all say that affairs happen. maybe not to everyone, but to enough that they will know someone. So is them knowing really trauma or preparation and at what age?

[ShatteredLady]

My cousins parents went through a horrible divorce involving adultery. One of those divorces that causes drama nearly 40 years later!!

 

I remember sitting on a park bench with her when we were about 10 years old. She stated that she would NEVER make a man the priority in her life. She would never stop working. A woman needs to pay as much attention to her career as a man does because any man will eventually get bored & cheat or leave.

 

She has stuck to these rules. She's now happily married, in her 40's. Wanted to be a SAHM but wouldn't take the risk!!

 

My parents built their own businesses. Sacrificed a lot for eachother & family. Have been married for well over 50 years now. I followed in their footsteps.

 

I thought that it was so sad the way my cousin spoke. I didn't believe it to be true. Like my parents, I've given everything to FAMILY. given my life circumstances who's right? My life would be so much easier if I'd prioritized ME & my career.

 

I loved my fantasy little family. I loved our love story. I sacrificed for US so easily. Hindsight is 20/20!!

[Lobe]

So is them knowing really trauma or preparation and at what age?

 

We don't know what (if anything) will be traumatic our kids anymore than we know what will traumatize us until it happens. We don't get to a) pick when the trauma our kids face is going to hit or b) control which trauma they are exposed to or c) by whom. Death of a pet, parent or sibling? Witnessing someone cut themselves or cut someone else? For the purpose of pain or healing?

 

Beyond having no control or knowledge about what we will each identify with as "trauma," we don't know if that trauma will damage our kids or make them stronger (or both) because they are (like us) going to make their own decisions regardless of what we have taught them. A kid from a family fraught with divorce, addiction and infidelity can grow up to be a counsellor or social worker every bit as much as a child raised in a gentle, conservative Christian household with a family that prides itself on a 0% divorce rate can grow up to be a philander and abuser.

 

So, does an affair affect the kids? Yes, even if it happens without their direct knowledge because it affects the way their parents interact and they will learn to either model or rebel (or maybe both) their parents' actions. Is it damaging? educational? Depends on the kids.

[ladydesigner]

We don't know what (if anything) will be traumatic our kids anymore than we know what will traumatize us until it happens. We don't get to a) pick when the trauma our kids face is going to hit or b) control which trauma they are exposed to or c) by whom. Death of a pet, parent or sibling? Witnessing someone cut themselves or cut someone else? For the purpose of pain or healing?

 

Beyond having no control or knowledge about what we will each identify with as "trauma," we don't know if that trauma will damage our kids or make them stronger (or both) because they are (like us) going to make their own decisions regardless of what we have taught them. A kid from a family fraught with divorce, addiction and infidelity can grow up to be a counsellor or social worker every bit as much as a child raised in a gentle, conservative Christian household with a family that prides itself on a 0% divorce rate can grow up to be a philander and abuser.

 

So, does an affair affect the kids? Yes, even if it happens without their direct knowledge because it affects the way their parents interact and they will learn to either model or rebel (or maybe both) their parents' actions. Is it damaging? educational? Depends on the kids.

 

Thank you for this post Lobe. I often feel like I have failed as a parent because I did not D my WH and they witnessed a lot of my pain including 2 one week stints in the mental hospital