The relationship "label"

[rita123]

The only real purpose, in my mind, about a label -- i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend is to at least establish that there is a deeper relationship between two people beyond just being a long-term piece of ass or a +1 for things. Some people date another person for years without realizing that the other person doesn't view the relationship any more deeply than having a sex partner and a date for events. It is a sign of respect for the relationship at least and that the two people have come to a mutual understanding.

 

The way I see it, the label is really no guarantee that you aren't just a long term piece of ass... How many guys (and girls) put up the act, make it official only for you to realize later that it was indeed just an act..- aren't things like, moving in together, planning future, kids.. the real indicators for the deeper relationship? Or being there for each other through tough times? Isn't every relationship just having a sex partner and a date for events until commitment happens?

[elaine567]

The "silent treatment" is childish, rude, and uncalled for.

 

Maybe, but is it the "silent treatment", which implies there is indeed some sort of continuing "relationship" or just that he can't be bothered talking to the OP any longer as he is done, he may be just following the NC rules.

[elaine567]

The way I see it, the label is really no guarantee that you aren't just a long term piece of ass... How many guys (and girls) put up the act, make it official only for you to realize later that it was indeed just an act..- aren't things like, moving in together, planning future, kids.. the real indicators for the deeper relationship? Or being there for each other through tough times? Isn't every relationship just having a sex partner and a date for events until commitment happens?

 

Its called progressing the relationship, you meet, you become exclusive, you become gf/bf and then you decide whether planning the future is on the cards.

If you spend too long not being exclusive, and not being bf/gf or refusing to put a label on it, then you are going to be looked at as a piece of ass/casual/fb/fwb, as what else are you?

[Kamille]

I know I'm late to the conversation now that he no longer answers your messages. But: I find it frustrating that the only two options he gave you was GF or FWB. There's a thing called Dating which is perfectly in between. It sounds like that is what you wanted and what he wasn't happy doing for much longer.

 

He might have switched and bait because his feelings for you were strong and that made him feel vulnerable. Most threads on this topic here are usually from the perspective who wants more. Everyone's advice is to tell them to cut bait. I guess he's prioritizing his own well being. That said, it wouldn't sit well with me to be "demoted" to FWB-won't-return-your-messages when what I want is time to get to know you more before making a commitment.

[Redhead14]

The way I see it, the label is really no guarantee that you aren't just a long term piece of ass... How many guys (and girls) put up the act, make it official only for you to realize later that it was indeed just an act..- aren't things like, moving in together, planning future, kids.. the real indicators for the deeper relationship? Or being there for each other through tough times? Isn't every relationship just having a sex partner and a date for events until commitment happens?

 

Oh, I agree. It's not a guarantee. I have said before that nowadays almost every relationship goes through a period of FWB until some kind of commitment is declared. In other words, you start dating, you become intimate, and until you declare exclusivity sexually at least you're FWB, and then boyfriend/girlfriend but even boyfriends and girlfriends are FWB's -- just better friends with benefits until they marry.

 

I'd say, though, a true FWB is a relationship where both parties do not intend to enter into a relationship for the purpose of marriage or commitment of any kind.

[MissBee]

Ok, we got it that he wants more than a FWB. We got it that he felt hurt when she pooped on him proposing gf/bf...

 

BUT WE'RE PAST that point. Cuz, he said he would be ok with going on as FWB.

 

If he changed his mind, all he has to do is let her know and move on. The "silent treatment" is childish, rude, and uncalled for.

 

People can act childishly when they are hurt.

 

The point everyone is making is explaining to OP why he may be behaving in this manner and it all started because of her actions towards him.

 

At this point, she can ignore this and pretend that he is 100% in the wrong and irrational, or see where he is coming from and allow him space to get over it or to just end things on her end too and work on getting over her ex instead of rebounding.

 

Rebound relationships are never fair and are emotionally fraught and unfortunately that leads to all kinds of childish or "uncalled for" behavior. It's not quite uncalled for, it's par for the course in these scenarios.

[MissBee]

The way I see it, the label is really no guarantee that you aren't just a long term piece of ass... How many guys (and girls) put up the act, make it official only for you to realize later that it was indeed just an act..- aren't things like, moving in together, planning future, kids.. the real indicators for the deeper relationship? Or being there for each other through tough times? Isn't every relationship just having a sex partner and a date for events until commitment happens?

 

A label is a small step that leads to the other things mentioned.

 

I have yet to meet anyone who cannot even establish that they are gf and bf who is willing to move in, marry or have kids. How can you even get to that point if you are so against simpler stuff like saying you're an exclusive couple?

 

Your case proves the point, the ONLY time people are against labels is when they are not interested in being locked down in a relationship for whatever reason. That's the whole point. People who are happy to progess towards greater levels of commitment and accountability do not spend copious amounts of time arguing against labels and avoiding them. The only time this is an argument if when someone doesn't want to do it and usually they don't because of all kinds of reasons and the bottomline is about not wanting to be accountable for a relationship with this person.

[Gloria25]

People can act childishly when they are hurt.

 

The point everyone is making is explaining to OP why he may be behaving in this manner and it all started because of her actions towards him.

 

At this point, she can ignore this and pretend that he is 100% in the wrong and irrational, or see where he is coming from and allow him space to get over it or to just end things on her end too and work on getting over her ex instead of rebounding.

 

Rebound relationships are never fair and are emotionally fraught and unfortunately that leads to all kinds of childish or "uncalled for" behavior. It's not quite uncalled for, it's par for the course in these scenarios.

 

But why is it like she is using him, lying to him? Rebound is when you two are dating normal while one person isn't ready, but pretends (or thinks they're ready) and strings the other along.

 

She didn't lie, pretend, or whatever to him. She told him she had some unresolved issues with ex, just wants some company for now and prefers to keep it simple as FWBs. When he said he wanted more, she said it was too soon for her. So she laid her cards on the table - which not many people do, they sit quiet, enjoy your company and chuck you when they have the strength to get back into dating and/or return to an ex.

 

I can see where he would be hurt from the rejection, but he can't be upset with her for anything else. She deserves a response - especially when it was him who agreed to continue as FWB upon their discussion of advancing to gf/bf.

[elaine567]

 

I can see where he would be hurt from the rejection, but he can't be upset with her for anything else. She deserves a response - especially when it was him who agreed to continue as FWB upon their discussion of advancing to gf/bf.

 

My guess is he didn't really mean it when he suggested FWBs, as he has not followed up on that "arrangement", and is now ignoring the OP all together.

[TXGuy]

My guess is he didn't really mean it when he suggested FWBs, as he has not followed up on that "arrangement", and is now ignoring the OP all together.

 

I second this. I think what he did was 'demote' the OP when she turned down the label. He likely thought the demotion was down to FWB.

 

I got the impression that OP didn't take the demotion well and kept bugging him to go back to providing GF treatment, despite the fact she wasn't ready to be a gf. Due to this, it's possible he demoted her further, to nobody.

 

My impression is op liked the A game treatment she was getting. She overplayed her hand and chased the guy away and now wants a 'do-over' and have him go back to treating her like a princess. I get the impression the bubble burst for this guy and there is no going back.

[TXGuy]

I have one more point to support my theory of a second demotion (to less than FWB). The quot below is from OP and references a time period AFTER the agreement for FWB. OP 'confronted him twice' and 'said she was done with him'.

 

She broke up with him on the FWB. He has no reason to explain himself further. Yet she still feels entitled to ... Im not sure what... From this guy. I'm sure the 'he's a coward for not doing what I want' attitude came through in her conversations with him. He would be perfectly justified in ignoring her completely or treating her flippantly.

 

From OP, comment #1 (after they agreed to the downgrade to FWB):

"When I call, he doesn't always pick it up. I confronted him twice since then, and I even said on facebook that I was done with him, I got so frustrated with the change in his behavior."

[OneLov]

But why is it like she is using him, lying to him? Rebound is when you two are dating normal while one person isn't ready, but pretends (or thinks they're ready) and strings the other along.

 

She didn't lie, pretend, or whatever to him. She told him she had some unresolved issues with ex, just wants some company for now and prefers to keep it simple as FWBs. When he said he wanted more, she said it was too soon for her. So she laid her cards on the table - which not many people do, they sit quiet, enjoy your company and chuck you when they have the strength to get back into dating and/or return to an ex.

 

I can see where he would be hurt from the rejection, but he can't be upset with her for anything else. She deserves a response - especially when it was him who agreed to continue as FWB upon their discussion of advancing to gf/bf.

 

As I understand the facts to be:

 

They verbally agreed on nothing serious.

 

She had knowledge that he wanted something serious. He had knowledge that she wanted to not be serious.

 

Their actions were consistent with those people who are in a “labeled” relationship

 

When OP heard her friend refer to her as his girlfriend, she reiterated their previous verbal agreement.

 

Her feelings were hurt when he did not answer her message like someone who was in a labeled relationship would be expected to.

 

If those are the facts, and most people agree that actions speak louder than words. Can you see the issue? There is conflict. Yes, he is wrong for playing games. But he is not here, and if he was, I would tell him the same.

 

I only want OP to understand how she may reasonably be perceived. It does not mean that is her intention. It’s only my interpretation of his behavior as described by OP.

 

I am not judging OP. I have been in her shoes. I have done what she is doing. And I have responded how she has responded. So if we are going to judge people, I am more offensive than her. As I am older, I have now realized why people may respond to her actions the way her friend is responding.

 

I believe OP has good intentions and does not want to communicate that she is playing games or taking advantage. While I believe she is not manipulative, I feel she is unaware that she is subconsciously taking advantage of the situation. Again, she is not a criminal; she is only human. I am just trying to bring awareness to her.

 

If her friend was here asking the question, I would do the same for him.

[Gloria25]

As I understand the facts to be:

 

They verbally agreed on nothing serious.

 

She had knowledge that he wanted something serious. He had knowledge that she wanted to not be serious.

 

Their actions were consistent with those people who are in a “labeled” relationship

 

When OP heard her friend refer to her as his girlfriend, she reiterated their previous verbal agreement.

 

Her feelings were hurt when he did not answer her message like someone who was in a labeled relationship would be expected to.

 

If those are the facts, and most people agree that actions speak louder than words. Can you see the issue? There is conflict. Yes, he is wrong for playing games. But he is not here, and if he was, I would tell him the same.

 

I only want OP to understand how she may reasonably be perceived. It does not mean that is her intention. It’s only my interpretation of his behavior as described by OP.

 

I am not judging OP. I have been in her shoes. I have done what she is doing. And I have responded how she has responded. So if we are going to judge people, I am more offensive than her. As I am older, I have now realized why people may respond to her actions the way her friend is responding.

 

I believe OP has good intentions and does not want to communicate that she is playing games or taking advantage. While I believe she is not manipulative, I feel she is unaware that she is subconsciously taking advantage of the situation. Again, she is not a criminal; she is only human. I am just trying to bring awareness to her.

 

If her friend was here asking the question, I would do the same for him.

 

I agree with you in part. The part that I don't agree with is that she's playing games. I don't know her personally, but I empathize cuz I think dude thinks the same of me, that I'm playing games...and I'm not. I just am afraid to put my heart out there to be hurt, but yes, I guess I want the same treatment and experiences that a person with a label other than FWB would get.

 

But, even as FWB or no label I treat my men well. I am not juggling other guys or keeping my eye out for something else. I am just scared to trust and get hurt

[basil67]

Rita, the thing which I'm wondering is 'if you had accepted bf/gf status, how would this have changed the relationship?'

 

I just can't understand why one would refuse the label when the relationship is already behaving as bf/gf.

[basil67]

I know I'm late to the conversation now that he no longer answers your messages. But: I find it frustrating that the only two options he gave you was GF or FWB. There's a thing called Dating which is perfectly in between. It sounds like that is what you wanted and what he wasn't happy doing for much longer.

 

Depends on your definition. My daughter uses the term Dating to describe going out with her mutually monogamous, long term, boyfriend. There's no half way about it for them.

[OneLov]

I agree with you in part. The part that I don't agree with is that she's playing games. I don't know her personally, but I empathize cuz I think dude thinks the same of me, that I'm playing games...and I'm not. I just am afraid to put my heart out there to be hurt, but yes, I guess I want the same treatment and experiences that a person with a label other than FWB would get.

 

But, even as FWB or no label I treat my men well. I am not juggling other guys or keeping my eye out for something else. I am just scared to trust and get hurt

 

I don't think she is playing games. I'm only saying that because her actions are inconsistent and conflict with her words she may be reasonably perceived by him and others as playing games. I believe she is scared. That's ok because we all are scared. Most of us won't admit it, but we are.

 

I grew up playing football and ice hockey. In those sports there's always a significant risk of getting hurt. And I did on more than one occasion. Then there were times when I didn't make the plays because I was worried about getting hurt.

 

In my experience, you can't worry about that. You have to go for it. Yeah, you might get messed up, but making the play is why you go out and put it all on the line. No one wants to be on the sideline/bench. You get up everyday and put yourself through hell just for the opportunity to make the play, feel the glory. Because when you do, you realize why it was worth it.

 

If you worry about getting hurt, you'll never make the play.

[Gloria25]

I don't think she is playing games. I'm only saying that because her actions are inconsistent and conflict with her words she may be reasonably perceived by him and others as playing games. I believe she is scared. That's ok because we all are scared. Most of us won't admit it, but we are.

 

I grew up playing football and ice hockey. In those sports there's always a significant risk of getting hurt. And I did on more than one occasion. Then there were times when I didn't make the plays because I was worried about getting hurt.

 

In my experience, you can't worry about that. You have to go for it. Yeah, you might get messed up, but making the play is why you go out and put it all on the line. No one wants to be on the sideline/bench. You get up everyday and put yourself through hell just for the opportunity to make the play, feel the glory. Because when you do, you realize why it was worth it.

 

If you worry about getting hurt, you'll never make the play.

 

Agreed ^^ especially what's in bold. I spent majority of the time with dude holding back from fear of getting too attached. And, poor thing probably felt offended cuz he would just try to please me and I'll like remove his hand or turn away or something...crappy moves on my part.

[elaine567]

 

But, even as FWB or no label I treat my men well. I am not juggling other guys or keeping my eye out for something else. I am just scared to trust and get hurt

 

But don't you think that remaining a FWB or with "no label", you do give the impression that you do not ever want a relationship and by doing that you get treated "lesser than".

No-one, male or female is going to invest time and money in someone who is not "all in".

 

The "I don't want to get hurt" is no excuse not to put your heart and soul in, as the guy may just go away anyway. And with "no label", the hurt as you have found is no less intense

No-one can guarantee a continuing relationship, no matter whichever way you play it, but better surely to be treated with respect, than to be picked up and put down at will as you are not "girlfriend material".

 

 

'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson

[MissBee]

But why is it like she is using him, lying to him? Rebound is when you two are dating normal while one person isn't ready, but pretends (or thinks they're ready) and strings the other along.

 

She didn't lie, pretend, or whatever to him. She told him she had some unresolved issues with ex, just wants some company for now and prefers to keep it simple as FWBs. When he said he wanted more, she said it was too soon for her. So she laid her cards on the table - which not many people do, they sit quiet, enjoy your company and chuck you when they have the strength to get back into dating and/or return to an ex.

 

I can see where he would be hurt from the rejection, but he can't be upset with her for anything else. She deserves a response - especially when it was him who agreed to continue as FWB upon their discussion of advancing to gf/bf.

 

I didn't say she was lying to him.

 

You can use someone without lying. For example, if you know someone likes you and wants to be with you and you know they will agree to things in hopes you change your mind later, even if you are "honest", it's still taking advantage of their greater level of like for you. Another example is affairs, you may be honest that you're married, but esp in the case when the person wants more eventually and you know this and still see them but say "but I'm married..." you're taking advantage of their hope that your actions of cheating means that you're gonna leave. It's a case where the actions and words are contradictory and also mostly in your favor even though you're seemingly honest on the surface....

 

A rebound relationship by definition is a relationship that happens shortly after the breakup of another where the person is filling the hole left by their ex with a new person, even though they're not emotionally ready for a relationship. The definition isn't incumbent on pretending or lying....you can be plain and honest that you're not ready (like the OP has) but this doesn't erase the fact that you're still filling the emotional hole with this other person, who is going along with it because they hope you change your mind....and if that is the case, yes it's still using them as you're getting more out of it than they are and you KNOW this.

Edited August 13, 2016 by MissBee

[rita123]

Thanks for all the replies and the valuable discussion. It really helped me put things into perspective.. I have already decided that I was done with the guy but I want to give you more detail to understand my actions a bit more.

 

This was a guy I took home for a one night stand.. yes, he ended up spending the weekend with me but I asked a mutual friend about him and she said all good, the guy is more into one night stands and open flings. That made me feel at ease at the time because I was just really not over my ex... I even cried about the ex at the party he met me. He knew I was a mess. He even gave me the advice to sleep with many guys to get over my ex. If anything, that first night, he was the one taking advantage of my vulnerability.

 

Of course, I have noticed that he liked me. But why would that automatically mean that he wanted an exclusive relationship with me. So many people act nice and go on dates without the serious intentions. So what, he told me he hasn't cuddled anyone for months and he gave me nicknames and sent kiss emojis. Yes, we were planning trips. So what? Players do that all the time. Casual guys do that all the time. How could I have been sure that he's in for the relationship? For all I know, he could have had other girls on the backburner for the days we didn't meet. I left to a festival and he said he was partying the whole weekend. How could I have been sure that girls were not involved?

 

But all the above is not relevant, because I really wasn't checking whether his intentions were serious. I'm just saying that it had some signs of getting serious but I justified them within myself with the "players can act nice too" argument - because of the short timeframe and because of the information I had about his dating history. It might look like the convenient choice.. But if I was really sure that I was "using him" or hurting him, I would have walked already then.

 

In the meantime, I have started to like him more. I started to open my heart to him. Slowly, but I was getting there. But.. the label ruined it. At the time he referred to me as his girlfriend, I wasn't happy. I was in shock. I was telling myself: this can't be right. THREE WEEKS. He was practically a stranger! Why would he even say that. It made no sense.

 

I guess my reaction comes from past experiences. I had a guy who wanted to introduce me to his mother after 1 week. I had a guy who went on his knees and gave me the ultimatum that he leaves my city if I didn't love him back.. Then I had my stalkers, including my most recent ex. So I'm just really not comfortable anymore with guys pressuring me. I need to set my boundaries to avoid the "crazy ones". Maybe I was wrong about this guy, but him referring to me as his girlfriend after 3 weeks, I considered a major red flag and I wanted to win more time to figure him out.

 

Then, the label talk happened, which really just started as an awkward joke.. and he said "don't worry, I don't want a relationship either, not yet". So that made me feel okay again. It was more in line with what I prefer in the given timeframe. I was relieved that "he wasn't crazy afterall". I didn't consider that he just said that not to scare me away... I didn't consider that he would take my "slowing things down" as a rejection... And, as I said before, in the past, my meaningful relationships developed organically so I thought if this was really going anywhere, we don't have to have the label talk ever again... we will.. just know it. Of course it was wrong of me to assume he would be on the same page about this.

 

I see now that I made a mistake. He not only showed signs of getting serious, he not only referred to me as his girlfriend in public but he wanted to have the talk. His intentions were all clear, right in front of me. But his words said something else, and I chose to believe his words instead of his actions.... Again, I went with the convenient choice.. I see that this might come across as manipulative.

 

So, as he said, I thought we were "all good", I wanted to keep on doing what we were doing: slowly progressing. I wasn't considering that for him, time was up... because he didn't tell me!! I had to put the puzzle pieces together, on my own.

 

But all this doesn't matter anymore, because I'm not OK with him telling me "all good", when in reality it isn't. When he does a 180 but I have to confront him over and over for him to admit that he degraded me to FWB. And why does he get to decide on giving it another label, FWB, without actually talking about it? Isn't it supposed to be an agreement? Well, we know he never wanted FWB anyway...and his silence says he's really done. Yes I call him a coward... because if he wanted me to show more effort, and if he's really NOT OK with me not being his girlfriend than he could just tell me that. And don't label me FWB as a form of punishment when what you really want to say is that you're done with me..

 

His behavior reminds me of the guy that went on his knees. The one with the ultimatum... I'm either a girlfriend or punished. Is really nothing left in between that we could work out, in the span of TWO MONTHS? Why is that so bad that I just really wasn't sure?

 

I can imagine he handles all conflicts like this.. and I do not see a future with a guy like that.

Edited August 13, 2016 by rita123

[MissBee]

I hear you OP, but this relationship never stood a chance to begin with, as most rebound scenarios don't. They're hardly ever equal or truly transparent and honest. I think it's usually a bit different if say you hadn't started seeing him after your breakup and while admitting you weren't ready....emotionally mature and "fair" talks and discussions generally don't come from rebound scenarios, as usually people are on entirely different pages trying to get entirely different needs met, who knows, you might not even have had a one night stand with him in that case either then tried to make it more.

 

It ended in a way you didn't expect or want, largely because it wasn't within your control how it ended (this isn't a judgment, this is human, I've been there and done that, it's almost like the I don't love you but I didn't expect you were gonna not love me and make a different choice before I was done type scenarios). But I think it's a lesson learned going forward esp re rebounding.

[rita123]

I hear you OP, but this relationship never stood a chance to begin with, as most rebound scenarios don't. They're hardly ever equal or truly transparent and honest. I think it's usually a bit different if say you hadn't started seeing him after your breakup and while admitting you weren't ready....emotionally mature and "fair" talks and discussions generally don't come from rebound scenarios, as usually people are on entirely different pages trying to get entirely different needs met, who knows, you might not even have had a one night stand with him in that case either then tried to make it more.

 

It ended in a way you didn't expect or want, largely because it wasn't within your control how it ended (this isn't a judgment, this is human, I've been there and done that, it's almost like the I don't love you but I didn't expect you were gonna not love me and make a different choice before I was done type scenarios). But I think it's a lesson learned going forward esp re rebounding.

 

He finally wrote last night. After almost a week of ignoring my messages.

Even though he called me sweety and said "i still like you"... he again refused my attempt to talk it over.. then he said "I just want to focus on myself".. so I told him I would leave him alone.

 

This conversation might have ended differently if I wasn't pushing the talk or if he was willing to have the talk. But it's for the best.

 

Too bad. I really liked the guy. But as you said, it was a scenario that never stood a chance. It was my first rebound "relationship".. but I will never do this again. Too many conflicts (also within myself) and too unfair to him.