The relationship "label"

[rita123]

Long story short: I have started seeing a guy 2 months after a messy breakup that left me heartbroken. I told the new guy that my feelings about my ex were not completely sorted but I still ended up seeing him almost every day. Things were good, we had some nice dates, dinners and such so not just hanging out at my place. We met each other's friends and we were planning trips together.

 

3-4 weeks into the "relationship" I overheard him talk about me as his girlfriend..that left be in a bit of a shock but I let it slip.

One week later, I said something stupid and I added joking, "haha now you will break it off with me." He said: break off what? and wanted to have the "relationship talk" right away. I told him that it's too early to have that talk and I was happy the way we were.

 

However, he's not been the same ever since. No more nice dates, just coming over to my place. When I call, he doesn't always pick it up. I confronted him twice since then, and I even said on facebook that I was done with him, I got so frustrated with the change in his behavior.

I assumed that all of this had to do with my ex, because I also met him to exchange our things. But nothing happened with my ex as I am really 100% done with him. But the new guy admitted today that it WAS because of the relationship talk, and that he would treat me differently if I was his girlfriend. So since I chose not to be his girlfriend.. he will treat me like a FWB, no more no less. He said he doesn't want to sleep with other girls and he likes me and respects me but I have to accept the new setup.

 

Did I mess it up? I know him for less than 2 months. Why can't we just go on dates and see what happens without rushing things? I don't want to lose him but I also don't understand why the label means so much to him.

Edited August 7, 2016 by rita123

[TXGuy]

It sounds like you were a month in, seeing each other practically every day, going out on interesting dates. After you refused the relationship label that he would have preferred, he is now putting a little less effort into the dates, but still seems happy to see you regularly.

 

A month of jumping through hoops for you almost daily wasn't enough. I can see why he would scale back his efforts a bit. It will be interesting to see if he is still willing to get serious whenever (and if) you get around to feeling that way.

[LostOnes05]

Although I probably wouldn't have called it a FWB situationship, I can understand why he's changed his behavior. Why wine and dine someone just for them to go running back to an ex? Why be serious about someone who doesn't seem to want to be serious with you? From his perspective you could just be using him as an emotional crutch until the ex comes back or you finally move past the ex. His fears are very legitimate. Time is something you don't get back and growing feelings for someone just to have the rug pulled from under you will definitely hurt. You'll have to put in a bit more effort from here and have a serious discussion about where you want things to go. Definitely put a time frame in your mind to do so. Understand where he is coming from, but go into the discussion with a clear mind of what you actually want. Best of luck!

 

P.S. And don't offer friendship until you "find yourself"...it's insulting.

[rita123]

I understand what you both mean but I also don't. I assured him that I am not running back to my ex but I need some time and I don't want to rush things. He seemed to be fine with that. But he isn't.

 

I honestly never met a guy who wanted me to be his girlfriend after 3 weeks. It feels rushed and unnatural. And now I think that all the attention and the kindness was just an act if my asking for time was enough to be "degraded to" FWB. He doesn't even want to cuddle me anymore.. even though at the beginning he said I was the first girl he wanted to cuddle in a long time.

 

We haven't talked for 3 days. The last few times we met was also initiated by me.. so I think he just made up his mind that I'm not girlfriend material and decided to treat me like ****.. well that's not what I signed up for...

[elaine567]

 

We haven't talked for 3 days. The last few times we met was also initiated by me.. so I think he just made up his mind that I'm not girlfriend material and decided to treat me like ****.. well that's not what I signed up for...

 

Maybe that was not your intention but when you had the relationship talk you were hardly enthusiastic, so he relegated you to a FWB.

You had already made it clear about your ex being unfinished business and then you refused to be his gf, what did you expect?

He is hardly going to spend time and effort on some girl who has no real loyalty to him is he?

[rita123]

Maybe that was not your intention but when you had the relationship talk you were hardly enthusiastic, so he relegated you to a FWB.

You had already made it clear about your ex being unfinished business and then you refused to be his gf, what did you expect?

He is hardly going to spend time and effort on some girl who has no real loyalty to him is he?

 

He knew my ex was unfinished business since day 1. I made it clear that I wasn't looking for a relationship and to be honest, I would have been fine with just FWB (or nothing) back then. Maybe I should have walked away already then... But he had all the information about my situation and he still decided to wine and dine me. How is that my fault?

 

But regardless the ex, I still find it utterly weird that anybody wants a relationship so soon. Isn't that alone a red flag? In a reverse situation, the guy would laugh in my face and call me naive. Don't people need more time to get to know each other better?

[Gloria25]

He knew my ex was unfinished business since day 1. I made it clear that I wasn't looking for a relationship and to be honest, I would have been fine with just FWB (or nothing) back then. Maybe I should have walked away already then... But he had all the information about my situation and he still decided to wine and dine me. How is that my fault?

 

But regardless the ex, I still find it utterly weird that anybody wants a relationship so soon. Isn't that alone a red flag? In a reverse situation, the guy would laugh in my face and call me naive. Don't people need more time to get to know each other better?

 

He's not proposing marriage, he just wants you to be his girlfriend. I would have been elated. I don't see this as a red flag.

 

Lemme tell you a red flag. A guy (who left me for the town H), telling me he was "In love" with me only three months into our relationship. And yes, he had issues.

 

But if I were this guy, I wouldn't wanna be even trying to be your bf if from day one you told me you still were entangled with your ex. So, that would be my red flag - which is why waste time making a chick into ky gf if she doesn't want it.

 

But then again, FWB situations can get complicated. I recently had a lot of drama with dude. From the first day we had sex I knew I was in trouble, cuz there already was things I liked about him besides the great sex. I tried keeping it simple and just enjoy his company, but we're human, you can't be intimate and just treat someone like a blow up doll with a pulse. So, I think he figured out I was catching feelings (well, I did tell him I was) and, he's been putting distance - to the extent he used my proposal to move in as a reason to break up with me.

 

I'm so upset, cuz I thought that he was sorta catching feelings too, but not like he was gonna marry me, but he wanted to do like bf/gf stuff. But I think me proposing we move in together meant that I am trying to marry him or something and is a BIG red flag. Look, I thought moving in was something all the idiots were doing now a days regardless of where the RL was going. I wouldn't do it with someone I planned to marry cuz the statistics show shackingup, even if it leads to marriage, often ends up in divorce.

 

So, I don't know if he's upset cuz he thinks the moving in was me pressuring him into a committment...or, that I didn't see him worthy enough for a long term RL cuz I asked him to move in.

 

So either way he's wrong...cuz (1) While I was so smitten with him I'd be like ***sigh***, I'm not one of those idiots who in three months are saying ILY. Now in the heat of passion I've said some things...but who hasn't? And, (2) He's also wrong about me seeing him as some boy-toy. He's still young and stuff, but I like so much about him so far. But again I'm not crazy. With our age difference, at some point he's gonna want a younger model. He already has unresolved issues with his ex. And, he is in a transitional period, so, I don't know where he will be in a month or a year. I'd be a fool to open my heart up to someone with all that going on.

 

But still, I'm human, I got attached and just thought the moving in would be good for both of us for the time we have left, but he saw it either as me wanting to marry him in barely a few months of knowing him or that I wanna turn him into my Cabanna boy-toy then toss him....he's wrong either way and I'm so pissed that he used that as an excuse to break it off with me. Why not say what's on his mind? Say he's with the ex? Say that he thinks that I'm getting too close. Say that he likes me. Say that he's no woman's boy toy.

 

So, you gotta talk to your guy, cuz it seems like he's backing off cuz he wants more...and, what he wants at this stage (bf/gf) isn't unreasonable.

[Gloria25]

But really? Why can't you both be FWBs and do bf/gf stuff?

 

That's why I wanted to have a talk with dude about us - but didn't wanna pressure him cuz he was studying for his exams.

 

Cuz, my last FWB was 42. While the only communication we had was mostly one email to check in and set up a meet, we did a lot of stuff I guess FWBs don't do. He brought me flowers, we'd shop, he'd spend a weekend with me...etc. BUT, he was clear about the status of our RL.

 

Did it hurt when it ended? Yes, but gosh I came on LS and posted about him only like four times....cuz he's a grown man, he was clear about things. No passive aggressive games to test me. He also showed me some respect...cuz, being a FWB doesn't mean I'm a jizz-dumpster. I would email him and get an answer the same day. When he said a date/time, he stuck to it. Only like twice he had to change plans and he told me with enough time.

 

Nooo, not my current guy. He sees setting up a meet as me trying to control him or something. Dude, it's simple...say a day/time and cancel. A text takes one minute.

 

So, even if your guy is backing out cuz you don't want more, he should be upfront about what he wants and blowing off your contact to him isn't cool. How else are you two gonna meet up if you're not arranging meets? Oh, cuz in FWBs women (even though we're in is age of "equality") are supposed to sit around and be "on-call" and if she dare initiate meets and/or doesn't want last minute meets..OMG she wants to be his mother or marry him. :rolleyes:

[Shining One]

We haven't talked for 3 days. The last few times we met was also initiated by me.. so I think he just made up his mind that I'm not girlfriend material and decided to treat me like ****.. well that's not what I signed up for...

There's no mention of mistreatment in your other posts. Can you elaborate on this?

It appears he's dropped his level of effort, which is what I would do in this situation. It's your turn to put in the effort if you want to make anything of this.

But regardless the ex, I still find it utterly weird that anybody wants a relationship so soon. Isn't that alone a red flag? In a reverse situation, the guy would laugh in my face and call me naive. Don't people need more time to get to know each other better?

Different people move at different time frames. There is no universally accepted standard.

[basil67]

so I think he just made up his mind that I'm not girlfriend material

 

He decided you WERE girlfriend material - you're the one who didn't want to be his girlfriend.

 

And why so scared about being a girlfriend? As Gloria said, it's hardly like he's proposed marriage. If the two of you become official and it doesn't work, you simply break it off. No different to if you'd become official at 3 months.

[spiderowl]

He feels hurt at your relegation of him to 'friend-to-have-fun-with-for-the-time-being' and is hurting you back. It sounds like one of those glorious relationship misunderstandings that can happen. He is probably very insecure about your ex, especially if you told him it was 'unfinished business'. Most people would realise that means you and your ex have 'something' going on. Even a hate relationship is more significant than a non-relationship. If someone says they have unfinished business with an ex, it is best not to hope for a relationship with them.

 

I don't know what to suggest. I would be hurt by his reaction too. Maybe say 'Can we call a truce on this one? I don't think either of us intended to hurt the other and there have been some misunderstandings' and perhaps have an honest discussion. It does sound like he expects you to be the one putting in the work now though, making the effort, apologising. Hmm, I can see the problem with that. Relegating someone to fwb is hardly going to make them rush to make up either.

Edited August 9, 2016 by spiderowl

[rita123]

There's no mention of mistreatment in your other posts. Can you elaborate on this?

It appears he's dropped his level of effort, which is what I would do in this situation. It's your turn to put in the effort if you want to make anything of this.Different people move at different time frames. There is no universally accepted standard.

 

Well I don't know whether it qualifies as mistreatment but a few times he didn't pick up the phone when I called, instead he wrote hours (or a whole day later): "what was that about?" One time we decided to meet at 7pm to watch the sunset, instead he came at 1 am.. he didn't even give me a real reason why he made me wait for hours. No more kiss emojis, no more pet names, no more good morning texts... just distance- well FWB.

 

The reason I got attracted to him is because he was so straightforward. There was no bs about plans. He texted me even about being 5 minutes late. It's just a huge change from that no matter the reason.

 

But yeah, he said that I "chose for this" and he would pick up the phone for "his girlfriend" but he is not obliged to pick it up for "just rita". It almost feels like claiming someone his girlfriend is more important for him than developing a real connection...

[Gloria25]

He feels hurt at your relegation of him to 'friend-to-have-fun-with-for-the-time-being' and is hurting you back. It sounds like one of those glorious relationship misunderstandings that can happen.

 

And, that's what I think sometimes is going on with my dude...but come on, he has no idea how much I like him and am trying to keep it simple until I'm sure that we can become more.

 

I mean, he so far has proven that I'm right to keep distance... at no time has he come clean about what's up with him and his ex and/or what his plans are now that exam's over. He's gotta see where I'm coming from too.

[Gloria25]

Well I don't know whether it qualifies as mistreatment but a few times he didn't pick up the phone when I called, instead he wrote hours (or a whole day later): "what was that about?" One time we decided to meet at 7pm to watch the sunset, instead he came at 1 am.. he didn't even give me a real reason why he made me wait for hours. No more kiss emojis, no more pet names, no more good morning texts... just distance- well FWB.

 

The reason I got attracted to him is because he was so straightforward. There was no bs about plans. He texted me even about being 5 minutes late. It's just a huge change from that no matter the reason.

 

But yeah, he said that I "chose for this" and he would pick up the phone for "his girlfriend" but he is not obliged to pick it up for "just rita". It almost feels like claiming someone his girlfriend is more important for him than developing a real connection...

 

Uh, you becoming his gf is how developing a connection starts. Why should he get close to a FWB?

 

But still, in a FWB situation, he has no right to be a jerk and show up late and/or blow off your calls, texts, etc. to set up a meet. Again, never had that problem with my 40's FWB.

[rita123]

Uh, you becoming his gf is how developing a connection starts. Why should he get close to a FWB?

 

But still, in a FWB situation, he has no right to be a jerk and show up late and/or blow off your calls, texts, etc. to set up a meet. Again, never had that problem with my 40's FWB.

 

I don't think that's where the connection starts. I won't like somebody more just because he calls me his girlfriend. In the past, I never even had to have the relationship talk with the guys that were truly interested. We just spent time together and eventually "knew" we were a couple...

 

I have to add that he comes from a traditional country in terms of gender roles. He often puts up a tough guy act in public too. Maybe because of this, for his image, having a Princess or having a girl to **** is really two different things.. and that could also explain why he treats me "bad" in the FWB situation?

[basil67]

I don't think that's where the connection starts. I won't like somebody more just because he calls me his girlfriend. In the past, I never even had to have the relationship talk with the guys that were truly interested. We just spent time together and eventually "knew" we were a couple...

 

I have to add that he comes from a traditional country in terms of gender roles. He often puts up a tough guy act in public too. Maybe because of this, for his image, having a Princess or having a girl to **** is really two different things.. and that could also explain why he treats me "bad" in the FWB situation?

 

 

Get real! If you refuse to be a girlfriend, you have no right to complain about not being treated as one.

[elaine567]

I don't think that's where the connection starts. I won't like somebody more just because he calls me his girlfriend. In the past, I never even had to have the relationship talk with the guys that were truly interested. We just spent time together and eventually "knew" we were a couple...

 

I have to add that he comes from a traditional country in terms of gender roles. He often puts up a tough guy act in public too. Maybe because of this, for his image, having a Princess or having a girl to **** is really two different things.. and that could also explain why he treats me "bad" in the FWB situation?

 

I don't think he needs to come from a "traditional" country or be conscious of his image to think that having a "princess" ie a gf who you intend to take things further with, and a FWB are two vastly different things.

Most men think that way.

A fwb is an arrangement for sex with someone who is not "relationship material".

You took yourself out of the "relationship material" box by refusing to be his gf.

[PegNosePete]

The way I see it you have a choice.

 

a) Become his girlfriend and progress the relationship

 

b) Stay as you are, FWB

 

c) Move on

[rita123]

Get real! If you refuse to be a girlfriend, you have no right to complain about not being treated as one.

 

I'm not complaining about not being treated as a girlfriend. As I said, I was happy the way we were.. slowly progressing. Because we were. I also treated him nice you know, it's not all one sided.

 

But seems like for a man (or this man) being nice to a woman is "putting in the effort" and in return, the woman has to accept the guy's terms or deal with the consequences (FWB).

 

I just know that in a reverse situation when I ask a guy to be my boyfriend 3 weeks in, people would tell me the same "Get real"... how is that fair.

[rita123]

The way I see it you have a choice.

 

a) Become his girlfriend and progress the relationship

 

b) Stay as you are, FWB

 

c) Move on

 

I think at this point I'm only left with c..

[Gloria25]

Get real! If you refuse to be a girlfriend, you have no right to complain about not being treated as one.

 

Her not being his "girlfriend", doesn't allow for him to be rude. With my last FWB, we'd email like once a week to set up a meet. He would reply the same day to my email. He didn't leave me hanging. If he couldn't make it, he'd promptly cancel. And, when we met up he was sweet. Brought me flowers, paid for the date. Took me out to eat, movies, etc.

 

Just cuz you're not serious with someone, doesn't mean you're rude and disrespectful.

 

Now, with her being his gf, let's say he's polite enough to answer the phone and she would like to meet on Saturday, well, since she's not his gf she shouldn't expect him to make time...if he says, I'll call you, then ok see he's not locking her in for a date/time cuz she's not a priority. But, it would be rude if he says I'll call you, and Saturday rolls around and he never calls...to the point where he doesn't even call the next day to say "oops, sorry".

 

I mean even if he was going to a hooker, he's not gonna tell a hooker, 'Hey, I'll call you' and expect the hooker to not book another guy while he's goofing off.

 

Gosh darn, it's free sex. Normally a guy would have to wine and dine a chick to get laid. She's offering it up for free and he's treating her like a nuisance. There's another thread going on about whether or not guys respect women who give it up so easily...well this thread shows that guys are hypocrites. They want a challenge. If women give it up freely, they don't appreciate it and don't respect her.

Edited August 9, 2016 by Gloria25

[rita123]

Gosh darn, it's free sex. Normally a guy would have to wine and dine a chick to get laid. She's offering it up for free and he's treating her like a nuisance. There's another thread going on about whether or not guys respect women who give it up so easily...well this thread shows that guys are hypocrites. They want a challenge. If women give it up freely, they don't appreciate it and don't respect her.

 

We started off as a one night stand so I'm sure the sex didn't make him lose his respect for me. But I was still a challenge emotionally. So maybe that's what made me exciting and after 1 month he got tired of it. I don't blame him.. but he still can't keep on treating me like this.

 

So yeah, I could only be ok with a FWB situation similar to yours.. I will give it another week and if he is not willing to have another talk I just walk away.

[basil67]

I'm not complaining about not being treated as a girlfriend. As I said, I was happy the way we were.. slowly progressing. Because we were. I also treated him nice you know, it's not all one sided.

 

You are complaining about not being treated as a girlfriend. See, he was treating you as a girlfriend until you told him that you aren't a girlfriend. So he stopped treating you as one.

 

And if you flipped genders on this, I'd say the same thing. All this "go slow and avoid labels" thing just has me completely confounded. It's just a label - it's not a commitment.

[Gloria25]

We started off as a one night stand so I'm sure the sex didn't make him lose his respect for me. But I was still a challenge emotionally. So maybe that's what made me exciting and after 1 month he got tired of it. I don't blame him.. but he still can't keep on treating me like this.

 

So yeah, I could only be ok with a FWB situation similar to yours.. I will give it another week and if he is not willing to have another talk I just walk away.

 

Oh no, you don't want a FWB situation like mine. My current guy is like yours. Communication with him is like pulling teeth with rusty pliers. I sometimes think that while he's not like super serious about me, he likes me and wanted to do more and is punishing me cuz he thinks I'm not into him. ***sigh***

 

My FWB before him, with 42 yr old guy is what I miss. No drama like with my current guy. It was smooth sailing and we did things bf/gf did too. He was clear about what he wanted and didn't "punish" me for anything.

 

See, and that's what upsets me. My current dude gets upset when I react to his poop, but hello, what rational person wouldn't be upset with the things he does? I'm blaming his age and lack of maturity...he's 26, which is 2 years from 24 and 4 years from 30.

 

Worse is the silent treatment...ok, maybe he's just sitting back till I wear myself out. I'm going to do what a friend told me, which is to think of a date in my head and when it comes and we still haven't spoken, move on.

 

I mean unlike you, I am happy either way with him. I don't mind being FWB and, if he wants to do more, I'm cool, but I wanna make sure he's cool first. Cuz not opening up to him if he's got stuff like unresolved issues with the ex, going to move away...etc.

Edited August 9, 2016 by Gloria25

[rita123]

You are complaining about not being treated as a girlfriend. See, he was treating you as a girlfriend until you told him that you aren't a girlfriend. So he stopped treating you as one.

 

And if you flipped genders on this, I'd say the same thing. All this "go slow and avoid labels" thing just has me completely confounded. It's just a label - it's not a commitment.

 

But that's not how it happened! I just got caught off guard by the question...but I never said I am not a girlfriend, I said "We know each other for 1 month, don't you think it's too early to talk about this?"

How the **** should I have known that with this answer I degraded myself to bootycall. Besides, he also said: "All good, I don't want a relationship either, not yet."

 

If it's just a label, why does he make such a big deal about it. I'm the same person. But he's too egohurt to see it.

 

I still think this is one of those dating double standards. With the genders flipped, I would be expected to be ok with his asking for time or maybe to get distance to "protect my feelings". But I still wouldn't treat him like dirt after that.

 

But when it's a guy, I should feel like the luckiest girl in the world that he only wants to sleep with me. And asks me to be his girlfriend!! What a catch! I should be thankful to meet a guy like that and "deal with the consequences" when I'm slower at making it "official". Well I don't want to engage in such games