The relationship "label"

[rita123]

My FWB before him, with 42 yr old guy is what I miss. No drama like with my current guy. It was smooth sailing and we did things bf/gf did too. He was clear about what he wanted and didn't "punish" me for anything.

 

I meant this guy, not your current guy!

The reason I got attracted to my guy was exactly this.. that there was no drama, always very clear on when and how we meet, respectful, polite. It was so nice.

 

He was also very open to talk about feelings.. you know, I wasn't the only one with the ghost of the ex. He also had a very rocky relationship 6 months ago and he still brought it up and how I'm the first girl he even wanted to see for more than a one night stand. I really thought we were on the same page about this, taking things slow to avoid getting hurt.

 

But I was wrong, as he actually wanted to "lock me" fast (even though I'm not sleeping with anyone else, but why would he trust me, right) and now he is behaving more like your current guy yes. And it's so frustrating, all the silent treatment and "punishment".. I feel your pain.

[elaine567]

Obviously he thought it was going somewhere but you put the brakes on, he got hurt and is now punishing you.

 

Personally I do not see the problem with two people who are acting like gf/bf putting a label on it, so what exactly was the big deal here?

I totally get if you want to keep your options open and are sleeping with other people or want to sleep with other people, but when it is obvious here that you are exclusive and obviously loved the way he was treating you as his gf, then why did you deliberately ruin it?

Bf/gf is not a huge commitment, there is no ring, no financial implications, no punishment doled out for breaking the "rules", so where is the harm? If you want to break it off, you break it off, you are not tied to the man for life, a label means nothing.

 

But, given that he IS now treating you badly, then get out and don't put up with it.

[MissBee]

Long story short: I have started seeing a guy 2 months after a messy breakup that left me heartbroken. I told the new guy that my feelings about my ex were not completely sorted but I still ended up seeing him almost every day. Things were good, we had some nice dates, dinners and such so not just hanging out at my place. We met each other's friends and we were planning trips together.

 

3-4 weeks into the "relationship" I overheard him talk about me as his girlfriend..that left be in a bit of a shock but I let it slip.

One week later, I said something stupid and I added joking, "haha now you will break it off with me." He said: break off what? and wanted to have the "relationship talk" right away. I told him that it's too early to have that talk and I was happy the way we were.

 

However, he's not been the same ever since. No more nice dates, just coming over to my place. When I call, he doesn't always pick it up. I confronted him twice since then, and I even said on facebook that I was done with him, I got so frustrated with the change in his behavior.

I assumed that all of this had to do with my ex, because I also met him to exchange our things. But nothing happened with my ex as I am really 100% done with him. But the new guy admitted today that it WAS because of the relationship talk, and that he would treat me differently if I was his girlfriend. So since I chose not to be his girlfriend.. he will treat me like a FWB, no more no less. He said he doesn't want to sleep with other girls and he likes me and respects me but I have to accept the new setup.

 

Did I mess it up? I know him for less than 2 months. Why can't we just go on dates and see what happens without rushing things? I don't want to lose him but I also don't understand why the label means so much to him.

 

Labels aren't just about labels...and it's silly when people act like it doesn't mean something. If it had NO meaning or effect then why would people be so adamant about "not labeling" ? The person wanting a label and the person avoiding the label are both acknowledging that labels carry weight...words, language, categories and labels shape our society and to label things makes a difference.

 

In your situation you don't want to be serious because you're not completely over your ex. In all likelihood this guy may be a rebound. The fact that you just want him to go with the flow with no labels is not a random meaningless choice, it's a choice based on what you want and how you feel. People on the same page who want the same things - a relationship- are happy to give labels.

 

It's totally fine if you don't want a relationship...no label is usually synonymous with no commitment and being able to do whatever or have some ambiguous loose form of commitment or none at all but still get the fringe benefits of a relationship. It's not wrong of you to not want a relationship, it's also not wrong of him to want something concrete, he has to protect his heart too...imagine being on the other end of that...you already know what heartbreak is and he likely doesn't want to treat a woman like a gf and invest all the way emotionally if she is clear she isn't his gf and isn't over her ex. Labels matter, because labels usually indicate people's feelings and levels of commitment. It is no surprise or mystery that those avoiding labels are also avoiding commitment or accountability to the relationship or even calling it a relationship at all, while labeling it a relationship makes one very much so accountable. You have a right to choose no label and no relationship and he has a right to choose to pull back in whatever way necessary to protect himself. If it doesn't work for you, dump him, likewise he can also choose to dump you if you're not with his new program.

Edited August 10, 2016 by MissBee

[Gloria25]

Labels aren't just about labels...and it's silly when people act like it doesn't mean something. If it had NO meaning or effect then why would people be so adamant about "not labeling" ? The person wanting a label and the person avoiding the label are both acknowledging that labels carry weight...words, language, categories and labels shape our society and to label things makes a difference.

 

In your situation you don't want to be serious because you're not completely over your ex. In all likelihood this guy may be a rebound. The fact that you just want him to go with the flow with no labels is not a random meaningless choice, it's a choice based on what you want and how you feel. People on the same page who want the same things - a relationship- are happy to give labels.

 

It's totally fine if you don't want a relationship...no label is usually synonymous with no commitment and being able to do whatever or have some ambiguous loose form of commitment or none at all but still get the fringe benefits of a relationship. It's not wrong of you to not want a relationship, it's also not wrong of him to want something concrete, he has to protect his heart too...imagine being on the other end of that...you already know what heartbreak is and he likely doesn't want to treat a woman like a gf and invest all the way emotionally if she is clear she isn't his gf and isn't over her ex. Labels matter, because labels usually indicate people's feelings and levels of commitment. It is no surprise or mystery that those avoiding labels are also avoiding commitment or accountability to the relationship or even calling it a relationship at all, while labeling it a relationship makes one very much so accountable. You have a right to choose no label and no relationship and he has a right to choose to pull back in whatever way necessary to protect himself. If it doesn't work for you, dump him, likewise he can also choose to dump you if you're not with his new program.

 

I got you about him not wanting to invest much into a FWB, but how is him dismissing her calls to set up a meet an impact on his feelings?

 

He said he was cool with remaining as FWBs. Then how are they supposed to have sex if he doesn't respond to her attempts to set up a meet???

[spiderowl]

Because he's trying to protect himself from getting too involved by distancing you. He's probably hurt that you have apparently rejected what to him is a big deal. He probably knows there are women he'd date as fwb but not want to be his girlfriend. He took a risk by indicating he did want you to be.

[rita123]

Well at this point I don't know what to do. I wrote to him on fb on Tuesday and it's still not read even though he's online all the time.

 

Maybe I messed up but he doesn't give me a chance to talk it over. Now he cannot even face me to say he is not interested anymore.

[OneLov]

Well at this point I don't know what to do. I wrote to him on fb on Tuesday and it's still not read even though he's online all the time.

 

Maybe I messed up but he doesn't give me a chance to talk it over. Now he cannot even face me to say he is not interested anymore.

 

You illustrated the inherent problem with no-label relationships. You are constantly conflicted. On one hand he owes you, at minimum, a simple and timely explanation of his sudden shift in behavior, but on the other hand he doesn't owe you one. No-label relationships provide the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsibilities or obligations of one. So it only works for the person who is most benefitting from the arrangements overall.

 

5 Reasons Why The No Label Relationship Never Works | Thought Catalog

[MissBee]

I got you about him not wanting to invest much into a FWB, but how is him dismissing her calls to set up a meet an impact on his feelings?

 

He said he was cool with remaining as FWBs. Then how are they supposed to have sex if he doesn't respond to her attempts to set up a meet???

 

He said he was cool with it, but he's clearly not.

 

Women also do this too, expect a relationship, even when the person says they don't want it, and say they're fine with casual when they aren't, but because they more or less act like a couple they think the person has changed their minds, then when they realize they haven't it's hurtful and upsetting and sometimes they still pretend they're okay...but then their behavior, usually passive aggressiveness or distancing shows it's actually not...same thing here.

 

He isn't into it just for sex and FWBs, he obviously wants more and has said he's fine as consolation, but clearly he is upset.

[rita123]

You illustrated the inherent problem with no-label relationships. You are constantly conflicted. On one hand he owes you, at minimum, a simple and timely explanation of his sudden shift in behavior, but on the other hand he doesn't owe you one.

 

Yeah, I know he doesn't owe me an explanation. I'm not his girlfriend, he has all the right to fade on me.. which he seems to be doing now.

 

However, because he doesn't owe me an explanation, the way he chooses to deal with this will show his true character... not facing me and shutting me out is cowardly, label or no label. But if this happens, I won't ever bring it up because.. yeah I wasn't his girlfriend.

[MissBee]

You illustrated the inherent problem with no-label relationships. You are constantly conflicted. On one hand he owes you, at minimum, a simple and timely explanation of his sudden shift in behavior, but on the other hand he doesn't owe you one. No-label relationships provide the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsibilities or obligations of one. So it only works for the person who is most benefitting from the arrangements overall.

 

5 Reasons Why The No Label Relationship Never Works | Thought Catalog

 

Ditto.

 

Instead of what people (the ones who don't want a label and i.e. the responsibility) say no labels do, which is supposedly make things simple and easy, it in fact almost never does, especially for the other person.

[Gloria25]

He said he was cool with it, but he's clearly not.

 

Women also do this too, expect a relationship, even when the person says they don't want it, and say they're fine with casual when they aren't, but because they more or less act like a couple they think the person has changed their minds, then when they realize they haven't it's hurtful and upsetting and sometimes they still pretend they're okay...but then their behavior, usually passive aggressiveness or distancing shows it's actually not...same thing here.

 

He isn't into it just for sex and FWBs, he obviously wants more and has said he's fine as consolation, but clearly he is upset.

 

Well, cuz he's upset he's gonna be like a little child and throw temper tantrums? Or play hide and go seek to see if he can make her cry?

 

ADULTS communicate. CHILDREN play games. Not responding to her communication to him is childish. If he had realized that he can't handle it, just say 'Hey, this FWB thing isn't gonna work for me...good luck.' But don't say you're cool then when she's trying to set up a meet you go AWOL.

[Gloria25]

Well at this point I don't know what to do. I wrote to him on fb on Tuesday and it's still not read even though he's online all the time.

 

Maybe I messed up but he doesn't give me a chance to talk it over. Now he cannot even face me to say he is not interested anymore.

 

Forget him...

 

Leave him in his little corner to pout.

[TXGuy]

Yeah, I know he doesn't owe me an explanation. I'm not his girlfriend, he has all the right to fade on me.. which he seems to be doing now.

 

However, because he doesn't owe me an explanation, the way he chooses to deal with this will show his true character... not facing me and shutting me out is cowardly, label or no label. But if this happens, I won't ever bring it up because.. yeah I wasn't his girlfriend.

 

You acknowledge he doesn't owe you an explanation, but call him cowardly for not giving you an explanation. I would disagree with that. You set this in motion. You made a big point of not being bf/gf, though you seem to continue to want the benefits of being bf/gf.

[rita123]

You acknowledge he doesn't owe you an explanation, but call him cowardly for not giving you an explanation. I would disagree with that. You set this in motion. You made a big point of not being bf/gf, though you seem to continue to want the benefits of being bf/gf.

 

What else should I call him? He said all good, he was ok with this. He clearly isn't. But the way he shows it to me is cowardly..

 

It's not even about the gf/bf thing anymore but the way he communicates.

What if, months down the road, after "i accepted" the label, we have another misunderstanding and he gives me the silent treatment again? As Gloria said above, it's childish. Adults communicate.

[UpwardForward]

What else should I call him? He said all good, he was ok with this. He clearly isn't. But the way he shows it to me is cowardly..

 

It's not even about the gf/bf thing anymore but the way he communicates.

What if, months down the road, after "i accepted" the label, we have another misunderstanding and he gives me the silent treatment again? As Gloria said above, it's childish. Adults communicate.

 

Bad matters at best.

 

Once two people are emotionally vested .. and for whatever 'label', the two owe each other communication.

[TXGuy]

What else should I call him? He said all good, he was ok with this. He clearly isn't. But the way he shows it to me is cowardly..

 

It's not even about the gf/bf thing anymore but the way he communicates.

What if, months down the road, after "i accepted" the label, we have another misunderstanding and he gives me the silent treatment again? As Gloria said above, it's childish. Adults communicate.

 

The fact that you are no longer worthy of this guys attention and grace is a product of the situation and your actions. He owes you nothing. The fact that he is no longer providing you what you are not owed might hurt your ego, but it is not cowardly on his part.

[OneLov]

OP,

 

After seeing him for two months and meeting his friends, planning trips, and acting like a bona ride couple, you then balk at the idea of a "label." Do you know how humiliating that is? Can't you see that he may feel a bit used?

 

If a girl likes me and I'm not sure about my feelings of her; I'm not going to meet her friends, continue to go on regular dates, plan trips, or otherwise act like we were a couple. C'mon, that's not fair to the other person and communicates that you want all the benefits of a relationships without any responsibilities of one. This communicates what is colloquially expressed as "using" someone. I'm not saying you are, I'm only suggesting that is a reasonable interpretation of what that behavior can reasonably be seen as.

 

He's not doing this to snub you; he's doing this to protect his feelings and self-respect. Can you honestly blame him?

[Redhead14]

The only real purpose, in my mind, about a label -- i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend is to at least establish that there is a deeper relationship between two people beyond just being a long-term piece of ass or a +1 for things. Some people date another person for years without realizing that the other person doesn't view the relationship any more deeply than having a sex partner and a date for events. It is a sign of respect for the relationship at least and that the two people have come to a mutual understanding.

[Gloria25]

OP,

 

After seeing him for two months and meeting his friends, planning trips, and acting like a bona ride couple, you then balk at the idea of a "label." Do you know how humiliating that is? Can't you see that he may feel a bit used?

 

If a girl likes me and I'm not sure about my feelings of her; I'm not going to meet her friends, continue to go on regular dates, plan trips, or otherwise act like we were a couple. C'mon, that's not fair to the other person and communicates that you want all the benefits of a relationships without any responsibilities of one. This communicates what is colloquially expressed as "using" someone. I'm not saying you are, I'm only suggesting that is a reasonable interpretation of what that behavior can reasonably be seen as.

 

He's not doing this to snub you; he's doing this to protect his feelings and self-respect. Can you honestly blame him?

 

I agree with you that I don't get why the OP is acting like this guy is wierd for simply wanting to be her gf. And yes, he, in his mind may feel that since she's not a gf, she gets no priority in his life.

 

But fact is, after she shot down the gf/bf, he agreed to continue as FWB. If he had a change of heart, then what's so bad about telling her something like 'Hey, I thought about it, I can't do the FWB, bye and don't call me.'

 

But he's not doing that. He's sitting there and having her wonder WTF. She doesn't have to be his gf for him to tell her he changed his mind about the FWB and is moving on.

[rita123]

OP,

After seeing him for two months and meeting his friends, planning trips, and acting like a bona ride couple, you then balk at the idea of a "label." Do you know how humiliating that is? Can't you see that he may feel a bit used?

 

Yes I can see it but I had to come to a forum to figure it out. Because he is not telling me anything! My intention was never to use him. Using him, at least in my book would mean accepting the label just for the relationship benefits.. because, "i can break up anytime". I'm not ok doing that.

 

No, I do not want to keep on acting like gf/bf if that is hurting him. But I did not know I was hurting him.. I really felt we were developing into something more... I just needed more time to be sure. What is so weird about that?

 

I'm starting to feel like an alien here... but seems like noone agrees with me on this. For me, true feelings, the first ILY –even though words can be just words– comes before the label. I don't want to call it a relationship if love is not present. And when love is present, then doesn't matter what you call it.. so that's why I still say, **** the label.

 

I don't want to pretend that I'm the good guy in the story. I just feel it's a major miscommunication between us.. and now it's ruined because he ghosted me instead of giving me a chance to to talk it over. I still think that is a cowardly act, regardless the circumstances.

[Gloria25]

Yes I can see it but I had to come to a forum to figure it out. Because he is not telling me anything! My intention was never to use him. Using him, at least in my book would mean accepting the label just for the relationship benefits.. because, "i can break up anytime". I'm not ok doing that.

 

No, I do not want to keep on acting like gf/bf if that is hurting him. But I did not know I was hurting him.. I really felt we were developing into something more... I just needed more time to be sure. What is so weird about that?

 

I'm starting to feel like an alien here... but seems like noone agrees with me on this. For me, true feelings, the first ILY –even though words can be just words– comes before the label. I don't want to call it a relationship if love is not present. And when love is present, then doesn't matter what you call it.. so that's why I still say, **** the label.

 

I don't want to pretend that I'm the good guy in the story. I just feel it's a major miscommunication between us.. and now it's ruined because he ghosted me instead of giving me a chance to to talk it over. I still think that is a cowardly act, regardless the circumstances.

 

See what I highlighted in bold? Did you tell him that?

 

I mean, he's gotta understand that the same way he doesn't wanna get rebuffed and/or hurt, you're protecting your heart too - you're not using him like he's your Cabana boy-toy.

 

I have pretty much the same issue with my dude. We had no label - not even FWB. He said he didn't want any and just wanted to keep things free flowing so we can enjoy each other's company. But, when he started wondering if I wanted to still see him, stating that he wanted to do sleepovers and more, and saying that 'no, he doesn't "want" to be with me, he "needs" to be with me'...I started thinking he was feeling more...and, no, I don't think he wants to marry me or anything that heavy, I just figured of the time we spent, he didn't wanna be a wham-bam, sex and up and leave...kinda like my last FWB, we had sex, but we did other things to enjoy each other's company (dining, shopping, movies, sleepovers, etc.)

 

But gosh darn, cuz of the lack of communication, both he and I are just "assuming" this or that about each other and what we want. COMMUNICATION people!!!

 

I texted him yesterday. Again, I apologized, I wanna talk. I can take him any way - as a FWB or more, but I'm not gonna put myself out there to be hurt if he isn't feeling it. But, no response **sigh**

[Gloria25]

I agree with you that I don't get why the OP is acting like this guy is wierd for simply wanting to be her gf. And yes, he, in his mind may feel that since she's not a gf, she gets no priority in his life.

 

But fact is, after she shot down the gf/bf, he agreed to continue as FWB. If he had a change of heart, then what's so bad about telling her something like 'Hey, I thought about it, I can't do the FWB, bye and don't call me.'

 

But he's not doing that. He's sitting there and having her wonder WTF. She doesn't have to be his gf for him to tell her he changed his mind about the FWB and is moving on.

 

And, another point I wanna make here ^^ is, how is him not responding to her protecting his feelings? If he wants to show strength and command her respect for his feelings, he'd respond. He'd say "I'm not down with this FWB thing, bye". And, if he wants to add some pepper on it, say "I'm not down with this FWB thing, and I want to be with a woman who appreciates what I have to offer, please do not contact me unless you're ready for that"...and drop the mic and walk off stage like a champion. For sure, she'd be balling out crying and reconsidering what she did wrong with him.

 

But, what he's doing now - the silence - while it is making her wonder/think WTF/WTH; and, possibly having her reconsidering if she went wrong in limiting him to a FWB, at the same time it's hurting her and creating a wedge cuz it feels like a game/manipulation...and, it also makes him look weak. And, like Upwardforward said, if this is he style of communication and they get back together, is this how he plans to handle conflict and/or issues that will arise in the future? Cuz all relationships (married, engaged, dating, FWB/FB) all have issues, conflicts, etc...how will he handle it then? Go into "silent" mode?

 

Gosh, weak would also be him begging and pleading to her to reconsider allowing him to be her bf...

Edited August 12, 2016 by Gloria25

[UpwardForward]

Bad matters at best.

 

Once two people are emotionally vested .. and for whatever 'label', the two owe each other communication.

 

So sorry.

 

I meant Bad manners.

[elaine567]

When a person is dating another there needs to be some degree of reciprocity, else it feels, and is, one-sided.

One sided relationships are usually doomed, as they are hard to keep going and the "attached" partner starts to feel they are doing all the work for little reward.

 

Most want to protect their heart, by stepping away from people who are not on the same page, especially early doors when there is not the same level of emotional investment there would be later on, and it is easier to just walk away.

No-one apart from a idiot would want to keep wining and dining a woman who says she doesn't want a relationship and who won't take even the first step i.e. bf/gf.

I am not sure why you expect this man to.

 

There are plenty of women who do want a relationship, so why would he want to stick around with you?

Dating is about finding people you are compatible with, you failed for him, on the first test, so he isn't a "coward", it is just that there is little else left to say, is there?

[Gloria25]

When a person is dating another there needs to be some degree of reciprocity, else it feels, and is, one-sided.

One sided relationships are usually doomed, as they are hard to keep going and the "attached" partner starts to feel they are doing all the work for little reward.

 

Most want to protect their heart, by stepping away from people who are not on the same page, especially early doors when there is not the same level of emotional investment there would be later on, and it is easier to just walk away.

No-one apart from a idiot would want to keep wining and dining a woman who says she doesn't want a relationship and who won't take even the first step i.e. bf/gf.

I am not sure why you expect this man to.

 

There are plenty of women who do want a relationship, so why would he want to stick around with you?

Dating is about finding people you are compatible with, you failed for him, on the first test, so he isn't a "coward", it is just that there is little else left to say, is there?

 

Ok, we got it that he wants more than a FWB. We got it that he felt hurt when she pooped on him proposing gf/bf...

 

BUT WE'RE PAST that point. Cuz, he said he would be ok with going on as FWB.

 

If he changed his mind, all he has to do is let her know and move on. The "silent treatment" is childish, rude, and uncalled for.