Contemplating separation but worried about my son

[jasrod327]

I've been married for 10 years and have a 6 year old. Recently found out my husband has been talking/flirting (social media, txt, tinder) and asking people to meet up. I don't actually have any proof that he slept with anyone but I'm also not naive...I know he deletes everything and has a tendency to lie to people. These text messages I found date back at least 4 years and he’s talking to girls he has known since before we were married so it leads me to believe that he has been doing this since the beginning of our marriage. We were both in the military, I have witnessed so much betrayal and cheating that I can’t believe he never did anything. He says he just needed attention and he was just texting to get attention…not sleeping around but I just don’t trust him. Our marriage has been struggling since I had my son and started focusing more on school and my career. I thought we had an understanding that I loved him but I needed to finish school and get my career started after the military but I guess it was just me thinking of the big picture. I tried persuading him to go to marriage counseling after we had our son but he refused…now that I found out what’s been going on, now he wants to go to counseling but I’ve just checked out. I’M DONE! I have done so much for this family and have been so committed, honest, and felt like I had a lifelong partner to just find out I’ve been betrayed. I felt so disrespected, unappreciated, not desired in so long that this was just the last straw I needed. I always accepted his bad tempter, machismo, and inability to communicate because I knew he struggled with PTSD but I’ve had enough. I’m just so worried about my son because if I leave my husband, I will move back home to California and my husband will be in Texas…my son will struggle not having him around. I feel like I have to choose between my son’s happiness or mine.

[sugarpuss]

Your son will be ok. Do what's right for you and the rest will follow. If your husband really loves your son, puts in a conscious effort, etc., he'll be okay. This is true regardless of if you split up or not. Can you really live this kind of life for 12 more years or so until your son is 18?

[ShatteredLady]

Leaving once your son is a teenager isn't going to make anything easier on him. Please don't hold out for that!!

 

If you're miserable LEAVE!

 

Look at your husband. The 'experts' currently think that we are half 'nature' & half 'nurture'. Your son already has half of his DNA. Is your H, is your marriage something you want to nurture your sons character?

 

We're all different. Only you know if you can get past this pain & betrayal. Only you can judge if your H is capable of changing & growing into a decent partner to share your life with.

 

People say that life is short. It can be bloody long if you're miserable & bitter. Even longer if you're full of regret. You don't have to make any huge, life changing decisions today but please don't try to convince yourself that staying for your son is a good idea if you're being treated this badly.

[jasrod327]

Thank you so much for your advice. I guess I just needed reassurance that I'm not crazy.

[jasrod327]

Btw, I just confirmed he's been sleeping around. I have no tears left to cry. I wish I had a manual to know what to do in this situation. I have no family here or anyone I can trust. I feel so alone.

[TunaCat]

Btw, I just confirmed he's been sleeping around. I have no tears left to cry. I wish I had a manual to know what to do in this situation. I have no family here or anyone I can trust. I feel so alone.

 

First thing you do is get yourself to a doctor for a full STD panel. Know this: He doesn't love you. No man who truly loved his wife would put your health in danger like that.

 

Only you can make the right choice for you and your son. Just know that your son will be fine if you & your husband divorce.

 

One thing I will say is imagine if your best friend or sister was in this marriage. What would you say to her?

[Mr. Lucky]

I’m just so worried about my son because if I leave my husband, I will move back home to California and my husband will be in Texas…my son will struggle not having him around. I feel like I have to choose between my son’s happiness or mine.

 

Have you spoken to a lawyer? Depending on custody, a move might not be so simple...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dreamingoftigers]

You aren't crazy.

 

Chumplady is a good resource for the freshly betrayed.

 

There's an article from February 1st in the archives that I hope you read right away so your husband cabt bully you or guilt you about anything.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this

 

The physical symptoms will probably appear soon (the throwing up/weight loss/depression.

 

This is all normal stuff from infidelity

 

Expect mind movies. Disrupted sleep IF you can sleep.

 

And you'll want to ask 100000 questions and you'll never get any good answers out of him.

 

If you end up having sex with him you might end up doing hysterical bonding. That REALLY messes with your head.

 

I suggest avoiding it at all costs.

 

You are going to feel like you were kicked in the head for a long, long time.

[piano1962]

So sorry you are going through this, although it's not uncommon to have issues in a marriage. I would say almost everyone goes through struggles one time or another in their marriage. Whether you stay married depends on how you handle the struggles. Unfortunately, men do need attention; as your husband had indicated. That being said, it does not give them the right to cheat and flirt around. I can see you have trust issues with him because of his past and present behavior. You are right in being torn because you want to do the best for your son. I know you've gone through a lot in trying to mend the relationship and I can understand how you wanted to be "DONE". But since there's an indication on his part of wanting to go to counseling, would you try to give him another chance for the sake of your son? May be miracles will happen and he'll be changed knowing that you're such a wonderful mother who would give up your happiness for your son? 10 years is a long time;may be it's worth the try to give him one last chance? Who knows what will happen after him being in counseling? After that, you can decide whether you really want to "check out". Hope you will feel better! Take care!

[Angelica21]

Get the divorce.

 

Your son will be fine.

 

It's much better for a child to grow up in a happy home with a single parent (or two happy homes with two single parents) than one home filled with hostility and dysfunction.

 

Your choice is not either-or. You can make choices that result in an emotionally healthy life for everyone.

[trippi1432]

Btw, I just confirmed he's been sleeping around. I have no tears left to cry. I wish I had a manual to know what to do in this situation. I have no family here or anyone I can trust. I feel so alone.

 

In that, I'm sure we all would like a manual. You know what, it's OKAY to be DONE with a serial cheater and here is where you need to put you and the future of your son first. You need to be around your family who cares about you, your son needs to see that too. You just continue to be committed to yourself and your family (even if that is just you and your son).

 

Your husband made bad decisions, they are not your responsibility. They are his decisions to deal with. He refused counseling before, he may need individual counseling......in the meantime, you need to work towards what the future is for you and your son.

 

If the both of you choose to stay in the relationship...I think the decision is how does that affect your son? It's okay to leave to sort things out.

[jasrod327]

Thank you all so much. You can't imagine how thankful I am that I found this forum.

 

I'm just so confused. I've been thinking for the past 3 days non-stop....sad, cried, laughed, didn't eat, left, spent the night somewhere else, and talked to people on the phone. I've realized that I haven't been in love for so long. I haven't been connected emotionally or intimately for so long. I just didn't want to face failure and repeat the cycle of my parents. I sacrificed so much for my family to avoid becoming my parents.

 

I want to get to know who I am...as I've lost track of that. I don't know who I am because I gave my all to my family. All I do know is that I am strong, honest, humble, and a good person to the core of my being. I just lost my persona.

 

On his own, my husband went to church and spoke to a pastor and now I'm like "who are you and what have you done to my husband?" He's acting like a totally different person...no anger, communicating even when I'm not paying any attention, admitting what he has done, and how much he admires me for not needing his help all these years...cleaning the house...yes! cleaning...wtf. I'm so freaked out. This guys has never ever helped me with anything...never lifted a finger. He even told me that if I wanted to move back home to L.A., I can and he’ll follow me to be close to us.

 

What do I do? I don't want to give him hope.

 

I know I need space to work on myself...not to mention I was supposed to be studying for the CPA, which is not even on my mind anymore. Unfortunately, I'm barely starting my career and I'm not financially stable to move-out. I have moved all his stuff out to another room so we have separate rooms but he doesn't stop calling me darling or babe and doesn't stop knocking on my door. He repeatedly tells me he's sorry when I don't want to hear it at all.

 

What do I do? All I've been doing is telling him I'm not in love, I need space, don't have hope...it’s messing me up mentally and emotionally.

[jasrod327]

I haven't spoken to a lawyer but apparently my husband has. He says I need his permission...but he says he'll follow us wherever we go even if it means losing his career. So confused at this moment.

[heartfeltlove]

Your Husband is a great manipulator. He has been behaving in a bizarre way and undermining your resolve and compounding your confusion, by acting uncharacteristically, and turning into someone you don't know. Then he turns round and tells you "you need my permission". What kind of come-back is that?

Focus. FOCUS on his actions to date, and on what he has done throughout your marriage to always but always put you second.

What gave him cause to go to church and talk to the Pastor? What about? Did you tell him you wanted a divorce? You tabled separation and taking your son? I'm not sure how it went from "I want to leave him" to "He's a changing man and I'm confused" in 2 posts you see....

How long has he shown changes for? I think if you push his back against the wall, he will show his TRUE colours. he is doing all these new things to appease you, keep you and control the situation. "If I do this, she will change her mind and stay".... I'm guessing now, because I do not know what discussion he had with the Pastor to prompt this about-turn....

[jasrod327]

You are absolutely right. He is the biggest manipulator. I have to clarify though, I'm confused as to my living situation not whether or not I should get back with him. How do I deal with him living in the same house and not lose track of what I'm trying to accomplish? Is this even possible? Has anyone heard of this being done?

 

I need to focus on myself. The only thing I hold on to is that soon I'm not going to be home. I'll be working for long hours so I don't have to see him. He's a police officer so we will never have the same days off. Thank god. I had plans to separate our accounts and pay off my debt, by then (1 year) should know what we'll be doing in regards to our son...decide to stay in TX or go back home. My job can relocate me to the L.A. office when there's a spot available...which is not a problem since there's high turnover.

 

I can't sleep...

 

I'm not a religious person but tomorrow I'm going to talk to a pastor/priest/etc and ask him how I can start a relationship with GOD so I don't feel abandoned. I'm completely clueless when it comes to this.

 

Thank you...from the bottom of my heart.

[elaine567]

At the moment he is fighting for his son and his family, once he knows he has you driven back to the fold and under his control again, he will resort to type.

[heartfeltlove]

I would advise going to a pastor in order to get closer to God. Because your motivation is wrong, You are seeking to fill a gap, and plug a void, and nothing outside of you can do that. It's a warped PoV. You can't replace anything with something intangible, full of promise that might in the end let you down. Because God is an unseen unpredictable....You are much stronger than you believe yourself to be. You must be, you've borne a child and brought him up. Mothers are very strong physically: A Labour contraction creates a muscular force capable of moving a one-ton object 3 inches. Men do not possess such an organ. Severe menstrual cramps have been compared to heart attack symptoms and have been found to be similar in intensity. Men do not feel this pain. Mothers are also very strong emotionally, and in general, I have found that women tend to be more strong than men emotionally, too. So don't weaken yourself by thinking you are helpless. Focus instead on where you know you have power, and your power lies between your ears. he is afraid you will think this through, so he is scattering strategies to unsettle you and make you stumble. Sweep them away. Focus on what is right for you and your son. You need to protect yourself and him. Don't concern yourself with what he is doing. It's all diversionary tactics. FoCus on you, what you need, and how to achieve it. Forget the pastor. See a lawyer.

[jasrod327]

You are correct. I'll get closer to God. Reach out to a lawyer to be aware of my options. Focus on myself and my son. I'll be ok.

 

Thank you.

[piano1962]

God does change people and work miracles in situations. You don't know whether your husband's behavior is a miracle or manipulation but time can tell. If you seek God also, you will be able to look at things from a completely different perspective and have peace regardless of your circumstance. Hope your pastor can help you in your journey. Praying for you!