Second chance with older women?

[laker93]

Hi,

 

Before I write anything, I just want to say thanks in advance for reading this and trying to help.

 

So basically, I'm 22 and my ex was 30. We had been together for just under 2 years, but broke up due to her saying that she feels responsible for both of us and when we are together she said she could feel that I'm young and for that reason she fell out of love.

 

After we broke up I definitely felt like there were things emotionally that I could improve on, but I'm sure there is a bigger picture for her.

 

I guess my question is, can I ever show her that I can be mature enough for her, or will she always have that opinion of me?

 

and if there is a way to show her I'm mature, whats the best way to do it?

[sandylee1]

My question would be... what do you want out of a relationship with her?

 

You're young and probably still want to do what young folk do. She's probably thinking about settling down/marriage and having kids if she's your average woman. You are unlikely to have the financial security that women want at your age as well, so where would your relationship be heading to?

 

Or is it just a case of enjoying it while it lasts?

 

I reckon you should date women in your own age group.

[laker93]

My question would be... what do you want out of a relationship with her?

 

You're young and probably still want to do what young folk do. She's probably thinking about settling down/marriage and having kids if she's your average woman. You are unlikely to have the financial security that women want at your age as well, so where would your relationship be heading to?

 

Or is it just a case of enjoying it while it lasts?

 

I reckon you should date women in your own age group.

 

Thanks for the reply. See this is where it gets confusing to me, she knows that I'm going to be ok financially, although I don't have 10 years worth of savings, I still earn a decent salary and also started my own company while working full time. But she did complain once that she felt I was just starting my life.

 

She knows that I want to settle down as well, and to answer your question about what do I want. I just want her, I love her and spending time with her makes me happy. We actually agreed to marry, however she broke it off just before we got officially engaged.

 

She kept saying that it's no ones fault and she just feels that I'm younger, but I'm really struggling to see what it is a 30 year old could provide that I couldn't, and I can't work it out.

 

So I want to prove to her that I can be mature enough and provide her with what she needs, but I don't know how to get around the stigma that she has for me like she thinks I'm a child.

[RocketQueen]

I had a 5 year relationship with a younger man. We had been friends for a long time before the relationship.

 

I had a lot of doubts about entering a relationship with him because of the age difference but we talked things through and love overcame any doubts.

 

He was a good guy, at times he was so mature that the age difference didn't matter (I am 12 years older).

 

As time went on I began to feel like I was taking care of him- not in a financial sense, he was financially secure and worked hard but there were things that he didn't understand purely because he was younger and didn't have the experience or emotional maturity to understand.

 

Me being the older one knew how much of an emotional give and take situation a relationship needed (learnt only through experience and life lessons). He was very rigid and had a very whimsical and romantisized vision of what a relationship was so when reality hit (as it always does- the little hurdles life throws at you) he was dumbfounded and saw any struggle as a sign of flaws in our relationship.

 

He ended up ending it on a whim and we spent the last 18 months hammering it out and I think he killed any faith I had in him by being so blinkered.

 

I would not try to prove to her that you're mature enough for her, tell her you respect her wishes and even though you feel your age shouldn't be an issue you will walk away and let her have her freedom.

 

That shows maturity that many people find hard to do.

 

Good Luck xxx

[laker93]

I had a 5 year relationship with a younger man. We had been friends for a long time before the relationship.

 

I had a lot of doubts about entering a relationship with him because of the age difference but we talked things through and love overcame any doubts.

 

He was a good guy, at times he was so mature that the age difference didn't matter (I am 12 years older).

 

As time went on I began to feel like I was taking care of him- not in a financial sense, he was financially secure and worked hard but there were things that he didn't understand purely because he was younger and didn't have the experience or emotional maturity to understand.

 

Me being the older one knew how much of an emotional give and take situation a relationship needed (learnt only through experience and life lessons). He was very rigid and had a very whimsical and romantisized vision of what a relationship was so when reality hit (as it always does- the little hurdles life throws at you) he was dumbfounded and saw any struggle as a sign of flaws in our relationship.

 

He ended up ending it on a whim and we spent the last 18 months hammering it out and I think he killed any faith I had in him by being so blinkered.

 

I would not try to prove to her that you're mature enough for her, tell her you respect her wishes and even though you feel your age shouldn't be an issue you will walk away and let her have her freedom.

 

That shows maturity that many people find hard to do.

 

Good Luck xxx

 

Hi Thanks for the support, I'm sorry about your relationship. That must of been difficult for you.

 

I guess at least you two had a chance to talk things over to try and make it work. Although I did what you suggested and respected her wishes, the reason I want to try and win her back is because she never told me what the problem was until after it was too late.

 

If she would of come to me and said "I need X, Y and Z from you to feel secure and not feel responsible for our relationship" then I would have been like ok well I'll try and do those things and if it does not work out then at least we gave it a chance.

 

But she did not, and decided to only tell me her problem after it got so bad that she fell out of love and decided the only option was to end it.

 

I love her a lot, maybe the logical thing would be to never speak to her again and move on like you said, but love is not logical. I feel like I'm over the relationship but that does not mean I wouldn't want the chance to win her back, I would choose her over any girl.

 

Is there anything you think I could do to increase my chances?

 

Even if I don't get a chance to win her back, is there anything you can recommend that you think would help stop this from happening in the future?

 

The mature thing might be to walk away, but the whole point is that she feels like I'm not man enough for her, but if I feel like what kind of man would it make me to let the women I loves marry someone else? I feel like if I walk away, I only prove her right. Am I wrong about this?

 

Thanks again for all your help.

Edited August 9, 2016 by laker93