Jemima1234 Posted August 8, 2016 Share Posted August 8, 2016 So my affair ended, mutual decision, 9 days ago. He was never going to leave his family- and to be honest I don't want him to as he would be heartbroken away from his kids. And we both knew we couldn't go on in a wrong situation- both married, but destroying lives. But it's so hard. I have loved this guy for years, I have already posted that we had an affair in the past too. He says he has deep feelings for me too. But watching him able to get on while I am hurting like hell is so hard. I overanalyse everything and cant get my head straight. I am totally committed to getting this right- please don't lecture me about right and wrong- I know all that and hate myself for being so weak. I am trying to focus on my kids but it doesn't stop the pain I am feeling. Thanks for listening- I guess I just need to vent. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Englishman Posted August 8, 2016 Share Posted August 8, 2016 Hi Jemima, No lecturing from me about right and wrong. Thank you for your post, just reading it helps as it echos my feelings and pain. I've been in a similar long term affair (3 years this time but on and off for 11 years in total) both married, both have families that we love but know it can't continue (My AP is now pregnant by husband) We could never manage to end the Affair but now we must but boy the pain is crippling sometimes, I'm trying to put my energy into being a better father and husband and trying to look forward to a guilt free life but sometimes I think Id rather have the guilt. I'm having counselling and I think it's helping but then again I've known she's been pregnant for 3 months now and I'm (we) are still hurting. One thing to bear in mind is that your AP may be hurting as well just not showing it , when I did speak to my exAP last week we both thought the other one wasn't hurting but confessed we both were hurting but needed to stay away from affair, each other or talking it over and over again. Keep venting, keep posting and keep strong. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
loveisanaction Posted August 8, 2016 Share Posted August 8, 2016 Hi Jemima, I don’t think your affair partner isn’t hurting, I think he able to handle the moving on a bit better because he has accepted what the both of you had…an affair. Like you said, he was never going to leave his wife and children and rightly so. Walking away from a marriage is difficult even for a man who is miserable in one. You have to take a look at the general picture. You were a part of his life but your married man’s wife is his life. Your married man and his wife have a history; a history of their courtship and eventual wedding, the birth of their beautiful children, baby’s first step, first word, taking his child by hand the very first day of school, birthday celebrations, Christmases, family vacations, anniversaries, attending weddings of friends, un-expected sad events that both he and wife went through together, bonds he’s created with his in-laws and his wife’s friends. Then his children will grow up, he will be there when his daughter (if he has a girl) has her heart broken from her first crush, teach his son how to change oil when he buys his car, stand with pride for his son/daughter’s college graduation, listen when they call and complain about their horrible boss, cry when he attends his children’s weddings, and feel an overwhelming sense of achievement when he holds his first grandchild. That’s just not something a married man is easily able to walk away from. For the other woman, developing feelings is enough for her to believe that her and her married should start a life together. Not so for the married man. He looks at every memory he’s shared with his wife and family and realizes that it’s not so easy to give it all up. No matter how miserable a man is in his marriage the history he’s shared with his wife and children makes it almost impossible for him to walk away from; many married men will not give that up for his mistress. I really wish you the best Jemima and I hope you can work things out with your husband and bring love and happiness back into your marriage. Good luck hon. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kiwishelly2 Posted August 9, 2016 Share Posted August 9, 2016 No lectures… I can feel the pain in your words. I just want to encourage you to stay strong in your decision to end the affair. Do what you need to do to move on from this and begin your life again. Have you thought of going to a counselor? They can help walk you through this really tough time and help you come out the other side… while also helping you understand the “why”. I will pray that you see your value and worth in the eyes of your Creator and come to know the incredible love He has for you… hugs! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted August 9, 2016 Author Share Posted August 9, 2016 Thank you for the support- I hugely appreciate the comments. This is unbelievably painful. For complicated reasons I am wary of posting, no contact isn't possible, so I spoke to my ex AP today- he seems to be getting on ok, and it's killing me that he is like this. Did I mean that little? How can he be so ok? Then I feel bad because I don't want him to be unhappy. It's such a total mess. Just want it to get easier!!! Englishman - am going to reply on your post but we seem to be in similar situations- sorry you are going through this hell too. Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted August 9, 2016 Share Posted August 9, 2016 no contact isn't possible, so I spoke to my ex AP today- he seems to be getting on ok, and it's killing me that he is like this. Did I mean that little? How can he be so ok? Then I feel bad because I don't want him to be unhappy. It's such a total mess. Why is NC not possible? That certainly makes things much more difficult, especially without a d-day as an additional deterrent. Try and remember that if he is OK, then he's OK and that says something about where you stood in his life, and think about how much more difficult things would be if he was not respecting you and breaking NC to start up the A again. Time and space. That's what you need. It's so fresh - be gentle with yourself. Do you want to leave your spouse? If not, then you could start rebuilding your marriage by channeling all the positive energy you spent on your MM back towards your husband, and giving him back the time and space you took for the affair to happen in the first place. If you do think your affair was because you need to leave an unhappy marriage then your goal is to figure out how to divorce your husband anyways so that you can both move on from a place of honesty and integrity. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Adoraxx Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Thank you for the support- I hugely appreciate the comments. This is unbelievably painful. For complicated reasons I am wary of posting, no contact isn't possible, so I spoke to my ex AP today- he seems to be getting on ok, and it's killing me that he is like this. Did I mean that little? How can he be so ok? Then I feel bad because I don't want him to be unhappy. It's such a total mess. Just want it to get easier!!! Englishman - am going to reply on your post but we seem to be in similar situations- sorry you are going through this hell too. Yes it's awful when you see the xMM and when you can see that he is getting on perfectly fine!! After all these years I still haven't been able to wrap my mind around that.. it's very painful when you realize that his life just goes on whether you're in it or not 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grey Cloud Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 .... it's very painful when you realize that his life just goes on whether you're in it or not Agree with this. It's very easy for them to do this because essentially their home life never changed. It's the secret on the side that disappears. Along with the fun and excitement also goes the stress of the double life and the drama of the OW. I think they go "oh well, it was fun while it lasted but it couldn't last forever". Their focus then shifts back to their wife and life goes on. Very little of them mourn for the one on the side. The few that do end up on LS. The rest of them are just busy with their lives not looking backwards! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Grey Cloud, I TRIPLE like your post. No, nothing changes for them. If the OW leaves, life just flows on for MM. Poppy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 It also makes me question why they would risk everything for someone they care so little about 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 I have a feeling that some MM in affairs, deliberately choose women that are never going to be permanent. They have a fatal flaw. That flaw usually stops the MM in his tracks if he is ever in danger of catching real feelings. The OW, to his eyes, is not relationship/marriage material, so when the affair comes to its natural conclusion, he can easily rationalise it. I have a feeling that the fatal flaw is often the fact she is willing to cheat, and whilst that is highly hypocritical and totally unfair, I think it is fairly common. So when it ends, although he may be a bit sad, a bit depressed for a while, the MM is not usually completely devastated, as he always kept a bit of himself back anyway. He therefore just closes the box and gets on with the rest of his life. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 It also makes me question why they would risk everything for someone they care so little about Its a calculated risk, and for some it is not much of a risk anyway, as he knows women tend to want to reconcile for kids, for home, for status, and for finances... How many women come on here and have horrendous stories of cheating and lying and betrayal, yet they all toddle off to MC and put themselves through years of anguish and IC (as if it is actually their problem???), all for the sake of keeping "their man". 2 Link to post Share on other sites
imperfectangel Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Too true. And very sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Grey Cloud Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 It also makes me question why they would risk everything for someone they care so little about A lot of them think they won't ever get caught. I think on one level they do care for the OW but not enough to disrupt and dramatically change their lives. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Grey Cloud Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 I have a feeling that some MM in affairs, deliberately choose women that are never going to be permanent. They have a fatal flaw. That flaw usually stops the MM in his tracks if he is ever in danger of catching real feelings. The OW, to his eyes, is not relationship/marriage material, so when the affair comes to its natural conclusion, he can easily rationalise it. I have a feeling that the fatal flaw is often the fact she is willing to cheat, and whilst that is highly hypocritical and totally unfair, I think it is fairly common. So when it ends, although he may be a bit sad, a bit depressed for a while, the MM is not usually completely devastated, as he always kept a bit of himself back anyway. He therefore just closes the box and gets on with the rest of his life. When my xMM and I ended he said to me that because I cheated he would never be able to trust me in a relationship and he knows his wife would never cheat on him and it wasn't in her character. It was a totally hypocritical statement but I was totally cursed in his mind with the "fatal flaw" you are talking about!! Of course there was no self reflection about his cheating behaviour - only that he expected faithfulness in his partner even if he wasn't!!!! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 Of course there was no self reflection about his cheating behaviour - only that he expected faithfulness in his partner even if he wasn't!!!! I kinda get that, because that is about ego, he is "da man", he deserves besotted women who think he is wonderful, women who will prioritise him. He doesn't want promiscuous women as then he is not that important to them. He wants to be number one, to be in charge and to feel important. What I do not get, is that OW tend to put up with men they know have two or more women in tow. Men who do not prioritise them. Men who do not think they are wonderful. Men who put their wives/gfs first. So whist I know MM will often SAY lots of good stuff, their ACTIONS tell a different story, so why do women put up with that sort of treatment? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Grey Cloud Posted August 10, 2016 Share Posted August 10, 2016 I kinda get that, because that is about ego, he is "da man", he deserves besotted women who think he is wonderful, women who will prioritise him. He doesn't want promiscuous women as then he is not that important to them. He wants to be number one, to be in charge and to feel important. Bingo. This makes complete sense. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted August 23, 2016 Author Share Posted August 23, 2016 Hi I posted my story before. I am now 3 weeks down the line from my 6 month affair. My xMM and I mutually decided the affair needed to end and we have both worked to make sure it has. I am really glad that I am not screwing up like that anymore but struggling like crazy too. I know it's over, I am committed to it being over and to making life right. People don't deserve what we did and I want to be a good person again I really really do. Due to circumstances NC is not possible. But right now we are trying to be friends! And it's so tough. Not because I think we will restart the affair but because I have all these feelings and struggles. Yet he seems to be fine!!! How can someone who said he had such deep feelings for me be fine??!! To be honest I think he is annoyed that I am not coping better than I am tho I am trying so hard!!! I think I am prob hurting myself more by trying to be friends? Seeing and hearing his life go on while I hurt?! Where do I go from here? Really want help to get this right! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted August 23, 2016 Author Share Posted August 23, 2016 Thanks for the comments. Have posted an update now Link to post Share on other sites
Lobe Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 I'm not sure you can ever heal from an affair while still being "friends." I remember being a single woman dating a single coworker and after we broke up it was awkward and painful having to see him every day, so I can only imagine that it's the same for you - affair or not, it's a break-up. There's a reason why people aren't friends after they break-up and it's because the source of your pain cannot be the source of your comfort. You need to not talk about anything other than business with him. Reset your boundaries and tell him that you don't want or need to hear about his personal life and that you'd like him to respect that. Are you able to get a transfer to another department or location? Could you start looking for a new job? In the meantime, make sure you're taking care of yourself and not expecting him to be the source of your comfort as obviously that's dangerous territory. PS men are better able to compartmentalize their relationships - chances are good your relationships is packed neatly and tidily away in the been there, done that pile, and will only be unpacked if one of you opens the door to the A again. Good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 If you have contact the affair will continue at some point much like a broken record. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 Hi I posted my story before. I am now 3 weeks down the line from my 6 month affair. My xMM and I mutually decided the affair needed to end and we have both worked to make sure it has. I am really glad that I am not screwing up like that anymore but struggling like crazy too. I know it's over, I am committed to it being over and to making life right. People don't deserve what we did and I want to be a good person again I really really do. Due to circumstances NC is not possible. But right now we are trying to be friends! And it's so tough. Not because I think we will restart the affair but because I have all these feelings and struggles. Yet he seems to be fine!!! How can someone who said he had such deep feelings for me be fine??!! To be honest I think he is annoyed that I am not coping better than I am tho I am trying so hard!!! I think I am prob hurting myself more by trying to be friends? Seeing and hearing his life go on while I hurt?! Where do I go from here? Really want help to get this right! You cannot be friends. I tried this and 100% he will be happy because he will feel like he is not a bad guy, he will think you are okay, and you will feel terrible. It does not work. He is fine because it was just an affair to him. Your feelings were deeper. He was probably sad a bit but back to life for him. If you have to see him, I am telling you the only way for you to feel better is to 100% ignore him. That is what I am doing now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 I don't think "friends" is possible. We tried the "friends" for 18mo back and forth..... Like I told MM once I don't **** my friends! I hate that word it's just not possible. I also have to wrk w him see him w his wife occasionally. It is beyond painful. Men are so much better at compartmentalizing. They can put you in a box. That's where you stay. And even IF the feelings are mutual, they can hide it so much better. For whatever reason you still have to see him. Limit it. Extricate yourself from the situation ad much as you can.indifference I have found is the best. And whenever possible fake it till you make it. Link to post Share on other sites
rainbowsandkittens Posted August 23, 2016 Share Posted August 23, 2016 I agree- you cannot be friends. As long as you want different things- and my guess is you still want him- there is no way a friendship will work. Someone on here once said: If you're still a secret then you're not friends. I kept that in my head and when we were "trying" to be friends it kept flashing at me. Because I was still a secret; he wouldn't let me meet his coworkers that were in town, he would never have told his partner about me. And he still never told me stuff about his partner. He had said at one point during the A that if he ever talked to me about her I would know that he truly thinks of me as just a friend. Well, that never happened. I'm sure he would say it's bc he thought it would hurt me. Oh, wait, he did say that. Also that he would never tell me if he found another AP bc he thought that would hurt me too. Some friend, right? It's just their way to keep you on the back burner just in case they might ever want you again. And by want you I mean have sex with you. Because the time of him wanting to possibly have an actual relationship with you is over, I'm sorry to say. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemima1234 Posted August 23, 2016 Author Share Posted August 23, 2016 Thank you everyone You are all so right- I know you are! Friends is impossible. It's so hard because this guy was my best friend, someone I can be totally myself with. I know him, I don't doubt he has had deep feelings for me- but hey not enough! Realty is he has chosen. And I have chosen too I guess. But it kills me to see him getting on with his life. I hate the fact I am struggling right now. I love my kids, I have a great job, a lovely family and amazing friends! I shouldn't be this low! But I am!!! I obsess about his life. Like right now- is he having sex with her? Has he resumed a sex life? Or was he lying and has been having sex all along? crazy mind I know!! Have got antidepressants and counselling planned! Hope it helps! So appreciate the support on here thank you Link to post Share on other sites
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