in love with coworker.. slept with his friend..

[miss lightning]

Hi all I am hoping to gain some insight and advice by sharing my story.

 

k, my ex boyfriend broke up with me back in March for the second time. I kept trying to get back with him and he kept telling me to move on, but we were still good friends at the same time. Finally, I did start moving on and in late May began falling out of love with him. I also started developing a crush on a co-worker. My ex saw that i was aloof and not so into him anymore, and perhaps he went into panic mode realizing that I WON'T wait for him forever, so he proposed we get backtogether promised hed change, said he wants to marry me and said he wants to move in. I told him I don't want to make any decisions right now and I just need time to sort things through. It wouldnt be fair for me to be with him while I'm not totally 100 percent sure I want to be with him. So we decided that we can do whatever we want, we still hang out and act like we are dating sometimes :/, but we are definately not.

 

So with this co-worker, I'll call him A. A and I began talking more around May.. about films and things we have in common, joking around a lot. We constantly smiled at eachother and laughed. We started going to lunch together, and we discussed our relationship problems. He is in the same situation as my ex boyfriend in a way. We would talk about each others pasts and he would give me great relationship advice and vice versa. Also, he would give me advice in general, like how I shouldnt worry about whether or not people like me; just be myself etc etc. Like a true friend. Me him and another cowoker hung out one day after work and it was fun. I started feeling like i was in love with A.

 

Then one friday he asked me and another person to go to the movies. I said sure. The other guy kinda cancelled so I asked A what was going on. He said he going out to drinks with ANOTHER coworker who i will call M, and that I can come along. I said sure. M is a guy who never talks to me and when he does i feel like he looks down on me. I went home changed and went to A's house. We went to M's house together, pre-drank and smoked alot of weed with a bunch of M's friends. A and I kept exchanging glances during the night. We went to one club, then another. Guys (not A) like M and his friends kept bying me drinks and I kept saying no but they would keep insisting. Sometimes I would dump the drinks in the bathroom. In the second club A went to go try to pick up girls, and M started dancing with me and I thought it was just for fun (naive me) so i danced back and with A as well. Then M started getting very frisky with me. Mind you, i was EXTREMELY drunk and confused, although that is NO excuse on my part. I let him kiss me, but laughed in his face after. We all went back to Ms house. A asked me if i wanted a soda knowing that i love a certain soda and i said yes and he poured me it and he asked if i was alright becuase I looked a lil upset and he told me "dont worry. forget about everything. there will always be people interested in you if you stay positive" I took this as he wanted me to hook up with M but wasnt sure. M sat down with me after that and we all smoked and then m said lets go to my room. I just kinda sat there and said well. um.... ok.

I went and we had sex but before we did I kept telling him maybe we shouldnt do this. I don't want to do this. But he kept saying to relax.

 

Now, i'm not blaming him. I am angry at myself for being so damn weak; i havent been this weakwilled in years and I dont know WHY i was like this. I am not attracted to M in any way. I am so mad at myself for not saying "NO" striaght up. and for leading him on.

and once we were partly there, i felt it was too late to turn back.

I felt so guilty because i had such strong feelings for A and here i was in the same appartment having sex with his friend.

In the morning, A poured me orange juice and me and him watched tv. M made everyone food then went to back to sleep by himslef, he iddnt say much to me. After a few hours of sitting there with M's friends watching tv, A and i left. We walked through a park and walked all the way downtown and he asked if i wanted to help him go shoppin for a friend. we did. Then he bought me Ice cream and we talked alot. He dropped me off at the bus i take to get to my place, shook hands told me how great it was to see me (even though we work together 60 hours a week) and told me to call him if i want to talk. He is so nice to me, so sweet. I dont want to date him becaues him and i are both really confused about relationship stuff right now, but i think I love him. ALso A has been picking up lots of girls lately, he tried to before i hooked up with M and did many times after, so I dont know why I feel so guilty but i just doo. :/ Especially becuase its his friend. I hate myself for that whole incident.

 

I called M that day and told him not to discuss what happpened with anyone and he said ok we'll keep it our secret then asked what i was doing that night. i said i was busy.

 

After that incident, A and I have still been great friends, going to lunch joking all the time.

I called him up once i wanted to tell him about the M sitation and tell him I wasnt into M, and I tried but I just ended up talking about my ex because I was too chicken. He said that we should go to the movies together. So i said ok. Later in the week i asked if he wanted to watch a movie that weekend and he was a bit wishy washy. He said sure..and told me to call him and i did but he wasnt home and nothing became of that. He doenst really invite me out anymore.

 

Yesterday at work, him and another cowoerker and i were talking about sleazy girls, and the other coworker said to me "im glad ur not like that" and A said "no she just knows how to keep secrets." and the other coworker laughed realllllllllllllly hard (i think people at the office know about what happened). I asked A, "what did you say?" he seemed embarrassed and said "nothing i was kidding" then told me again. I felt really hurt by that. I dont know if he was just kidding or if he meant it slightly.

 

I want to telll A how I feel so bad. I am afraid he will think im sleazy though. The thing is, he is going to France in 20 days, and he already confessed to me that he is probably not coming back. That is where he is from, and he is sick of his job.

 

So , what I want to know is, should i telll A about how I didnt really want to hook up with M?

 

I want to call him this weekend, just to ask him the title of a movie he told me to rent. Should I do that? Just to keep a friendship going?**

 

ALso, before he leaves I am thinking abuot writing him a letter telling him how i feel, just to let him know, but informing him that i dont want anything from him, but just to tell him. Should I do that or nah? I really feel like we have something between us.

 

thanks alot in advance.

[shygurl]

First off, not too smart to be around a bunch of guys (and most you don't even know, at the home of a guy you don't even really know)...getting all wasted and loaded up. What if they'd tried to gangbang you? Why do women put themselves in such stupid situations? And please don't tell me after you were all drinking and drugging, someone was driving you all around - while wasted.

 

Why also would you get so wasted that you allegedly were having sex with someone you didn't really know? Did he use a condom or do you even remember? He could have HIV for all you know..or he could have gotten you pregnant. Why be so careless?

 

And of course A knows you got screwed by M. A and M are friends, friends talk...particularly when they screw a chick. And my God, this all happened back @ M's house, where A and everyone were. They were likely listening at the door. Do you want to get the reputation of being a ho?

 

A obviously knows but he's not going to make a big deal about it because he's made it clear he's not ready for a relationship, he's leaving the country in 3 weeks, likely not ever to return ,and he's been out picking up chicks himself so why would he have the right to judge you for what you did?

 

Maybe you should cut back on the drinking and drugging and putting yourself into very dangerous situations that could lead to you being raped, impregnated, left with HIV or Herpes.

[d'Arthez]

A will definitely be aware that you had a bit of fun with M. Even if M did not tell him, it is not hard to add the whole equation. So in that sense you have put yourself at a disadvantage.

 

A will also be leaving the country in 3 weeks time. Given the state of mind he is in, and what happened between you and M, I can't see a single reason, why A would be interested in you right now for an exclusive and serious relationship. It would be a LDR in less than 3 weeks time; which is stressful and requires the utmost dedication and clarity of mind. Something you both don't seem ready for right now.

 

You would only burden him and yourself by sending him a letter like that. So don't do it.

[morrigan]

A undoubtedly knows what happened with you and M, and he's not interested in you romantically at this point. It also sounds like someone's been lousy enough to spread gossip about you at your job. You don't owe A any explanations, and I think it would put you in a worse situation if you wrote him a letter. Just let him exit the job and your life.

 

No, you're not sleazy, but anyone who tells you to relax when you repeatedly say you don't think you should have sex with him is a sleazebucket. Avoid M and his buddies.

[blackendangel13]

This is definately a tricky one. I have been in this boat somewhat with my friend, especially lately. When I met my best friend I just got out of a bad relationship and was still being lead on by an ex. My friend was the first guy to show me that I mattered and treated me like a queen eventhough we were just friends. We would lay together and kissed maybe a handful of times but not in a sexual way. He is the only man who has ever made me forget about that particular ex. We know each other better than anyone else.

 

Now in my darkest hour, I have spent lots of time questioning my feelings for my best friend. Almost all of these times I am feeling unsatisfied by the men in my life or I am feeling lonely, so I misinterpret some of the things we/he does. I sort of cling to him like he is the standard of how men should treat me and then when it isn't happening, instead of doing the obvious and dumping said guy to find a new guy, I fall back on my friend to pick up my man's slack. I was very guilty of this in my past relationship which is why I didn't break up with my ex sooner and cried on my best friends shoulder about how I felt so unapreciated.

 

You may have feelings for your friend, but you may just be counting on him to give you the support you aren't/weren't getting from your ex also. When that happens in a relationship it also can lead to emotional infidelity because you are emotionally intimate with your friend and not your man. He is leaving the country, don't freak him out by dumping on him. To be honest you both are confused about relationships. Why complicate things by confessing feelings you may or may not have.

[miss lightning]

Thanks ALOT guys for the advice. much appreciated!!!!!

 

I already know that A knows about me and M. I knew that immediately. WHich is why i was so upset, and am.

 

But he said things afterwards to me that were defending what i did for a while, saying that sometimes we do stupid things when we are drunk, and its ok, as long as it doesnt happen all the time.

I still have the urge to call him so bad.. even to ask about movie titles etc.

 

But ya -a lot of you guys are right on. thanks Both him and I are extremely confused about relationships so it would be stupid for me to try to start anything with him. Still in a way I want to tell him how I feel. But, I won't and I will just let him move back and move on with his life and me with mine.

 

I won't write him a letter or anything that dramatic hehe, I'll just be his friend until he leaves. And I will cherish some of the memories and emotional ties we had.

And its possible that he in a way i'm letting him replace the emotional void i had with my ex; therefore getting with him now wouldnt be fair to anyone.

 

 

shygirl: I didn't come here to be lectured on "drinking and drugging". Its not something I do very often.