Can an open marriage or 3some save my marriage?

[Sliver]

Background:

my husband and I have been married 3.5 yrs, together a year before that. Broke up once while dating (2mos in). Separated after 3 most of marriage - he had an affair. We worked through various issues, got back together just had our 2nd child 3 weeks ago. (We have 3 total I brought my oldest from a previous relationship).

 

Problem:

his words "I do not want a divorce. I can't remember the last time I was happy in this marriage. I stay because of the kids. What would you say if I wanted to start seeing other people?" We have had issues arise over the past year from his alcohol issues to us only having had sex once or twice.

 

The idea of an open marriage or 3some scares me beyond belief. Him having sex with another woman is a debilitating thought...but what if it becomes more? What if it's sex...and love? Our relationship most definitely needs work, but I dont know if I'm willing to risk what little we do have.

 

Notes:

* he brought up the idea of a 3some while we were dating...usually during sex...I thought then it was just talking dirty. He never really brought it up seriously....or sober.

* open marriage scares me. However the thought of a 3some is a turn on to me.

* divorce scares me because I am a stay at home mom. I haven't had a job in over a year, 3 kids and no savings.

 

Question:

Do open marriages work? Or am I just fooling myself trying to keep divorce (or the potential of a sexless/loveless marriage) at bay?

[Poutrew]

I think you have to decide which scares you more. Being part of an open marriage, or divorce. Personally, I would choose divorce. 3somes sound alluring (heck, I'm a guy), even if they are one-at-a-time, but in reality they almost never work out - especially when one partner doesn't want to be there. Your husband has already checked out of the relationship, but he still wants someone around to dust, mop, clean the toilets and keep the bed fresh after his sex romps dirty it up. He already has you, so that takes care of the maid part. Now he needs to find a sexy 18 year old willing to do the sex stuff. Is this what you want? Let him go so he can find his porn queen and you can find a decent man who values an honest relationship with a normal girl...

Edited August 8, 2016 by Poutrew

[central]

In your situation, OP, I think you would be better off divorcing - unless you can go to marriage counseling together to figure out and fix whatever is wrong.

 

 

An open marriage may delay divorce, but will also probably make it much more likely to happen.

 

 

Open marriages usually only work when the marriage is solid to begin with (and sometimes when one partner is disabled or similar physical impediment to sex). My marriage is open to a degree, but we also have one of the best marriages ever. If we were in your situation, divorce would probably be the only choice.

 

 

Whatever you decide or try, I suggest you prepare for the worst case while trying to find the best route to a good marriage. By prepare, I mean you should look for ways to support yourself if you split up. I also suggest that you do NOT agree to an open marriage or threesome - that way, you may motivate him to work on the marriage with you (or, that it's best to split up).

[DKT3]

Save the marriage? Depends on what kind of marriage you want. Honestly, this sounds like a mutually convenient marriage that eases both of your fears. From what you've said I didn't my sense your husband is emotionally invested, and you in turn aren't interested physically.

 

If you want to progress towards a loving monogamous relationship then no it will not help. If you want to keep the family unit intact under one roof then it can work with the understanding that the living situation won't change. The two of you would be free to find what your looking for in other and kid the family together.

 

But, I'm guessing your husband is thinking more along the lines of you close your eyes while he does what he wants and you stay home looking after kids and being his sometimes sex toy.

 

Honestly think you would be better off long run flying solo, he doesn't sound like a good guy.

[JewelD]

Open marriages work if both partners want it. You don't. And that's perfectly okay! You got married to one man because that's what you wanted.

 

Threesome might spice up the sex life, but I doubt it would solve the problem of him being unhappy.

 

Life throws scary things at us and we don't want to deal with them, but we always come out on the other side stronger than we thought we were. This divorce will not break you.

[jen1447]

Question:

Do open marriages work? Or am I just fooling myself trying to keep divorce (or the potential of a sexless/loveless marriage) at bay?

 

The bigger question is can it work for you, and based on what you've shared, I'd say it's unlikely.

[Mr. Lucky]

Him having sex with another woman is a debilitating thought...

 

The whole open marriage/3some topic is a sideshow, not sure why you'd even focus on it.

 

The real issues are the disconnects in your marriage - his drinking, the lack of a sexual connection and the challenges in a blended family with three kids.

 

Though it may already be too late, marriage counseling is the appropriate path to try and save your relationship. Last thing you want to do is throw another person(s) into the current mix...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

I didn't even need to read your post. The answer to the question of whether an open marriage can "save" a marriage is 'no.'

 

 

Screwing people outside of marriage is not therapy or treatment for problems within the marriage. It simply adds more layers of problems, complications, dysfunction and disconnection.

 

If there are problems within the marriage, opening it up to outsiders will only cause more problems.

 

Swinging etc can be fun and uplifting and exciting for strong, long-term couples with great communication and great respect and compassion for each other and who already have a strong and satisfying marriage. For them it is just a little extra fun and exciting to bring into their marital dynamic.

 

But for people that have problems and are already having issues with connection and mutual respect and compassion - it is nothing more than the final nails in the coffin.

 

Professional therapy and counseling and mutual dedication and 100% commitment to fixing the marriage are what "saves" marriages. Not subdividing your attentions and affections elsewhere.

[aileD]

An open marriage or threesome or swinger situation only works when your marriage is extremely strong to begin with, where you have agreements, emotional fidelity to each other and where both parties are not uncomfortable with the idea.

 

Using any of these things to "save"a marriage will only ensure the marriage does not get saved.

 

Because, if he doesn't have the emotional connection with you ....he WILL find it with someone else, and no matter what he says now....he'll want to leave you for that person because she will be what he is looking for from you.

 

Best bet is to go to counseling and see if you can work through things

Edited August 8, 2016 by aileD
Spelling

[Lobe]

Question:

Do open marriages work? Or am I just fooling myself trying to keep divorce (or the potential of a sexless/loveless marriage) at bay?

 

Marriages that move to "open" marriages do not have a high success rate based on what I've seen in the forums. Open marriages that succeed are generally those that were negotiated before the marriage not as a solution to problems in the marriage.

 

The idea of a threesome should scare you - he's already had one affair and lacks boundaries so you're smart to be cautious. If you really want a threesome suggest you bring in another man - that might help you gauge if he wants a fair and equitable "open" marriage or just wants the freedom to have sex with other women.

 

Either way, I suggest you contact a lawyer and start making a back-up plan.

[Alamo657]

Your partner is unsatisfied by the relationship with you. Bringing a 3rd party will only reinforce that feeling that just the 2 of you doesnt make the marriage whole.

[TrustedthenBusted]

No. An open marriage won't save you. And a threesome won't either.

[mammasita]

Nope, that can never work as a solution to an already broken relationship and in many cases breaks even a seemingly strong relationship.

 

If you aren't comfortable, then no it won't work.

[NTV]

My bet is that he's already seeing someone. Maybe time to start to look for work again...

 

Then again I can get cynical sometimes.

[heartfeltlove]

Of course he doesn't want a divorce. he would have to probably move out, and support you and the children, as well as find accommodation for himself. But as he is not getting sex within the marriage, he is proposing finding someone else to have sex with, so he will have the best of both worlds, while you sit on a knife-edge. It sounds as if the plan is to do things his way, or continue suffering a stagnant and dysfunctional marriage. I realise you say divorce scares you, but actually it doesn't. The unknown scares you, but we are plunged into the unknown the moment we are born. Life is an adventure, but we have to take the highs and lows and roll with the punches. Do not make yourself out to be the weaker of the two. You are not a victim here, you do have a say in what happens in your marriage, even if it is to say to him "instead of looking for sex elsewhere, and cheating on me, and that's how I feel about you seeing other people - we should try to heal what is hurt...."

[BettyDraper]

Your situation illustrates the reason why it is never good for a spouse to stay home without her own savings, investments and solid career history. Part of the reason you feel compelled to agree to an open marriage is you know you cannot support yourself. Sometimes spouses who are breadwinners will take advantages of their dependent spouses because they know the dependent spouse has no way of leaving.

 

An open marriage or a threesome would be a poor choice in your case. It isn't something you are both interested in and your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants his wife at home washing his underwear and cleaning his house while he sleeps around. Sounds like an open marriage would be a great idea for your husband's happiness.

[Sliver]

First of all I appreciate all the responses and opinions.

 

Second, I'd like to clarify that I have not been withholding sex by any means. Of the past year, i was preggers for 9 months of that. Neither one of us were comfortable having sex during my 3rd trimester...you can actually see the baby move....I felt huge and he (for both pregnancies) was weirded out by the whole "I'm poking get he baby!" silliness. The first 6 months were plagued with horrible, mind numbing nausea and acid reflux. But that is not anecessary excuse just a partial reason/clarification.

 

Please keep posting responses...It helps. I'd love to try counseling. But like I told him, I will fight like hell for this marriage....I just can't fight for it by myself.

 

Thank you all.....

[BluesPower]

You have had a lot of good advice, and it is hare to know where to go with this.

 

Until your marriage is in a better place the open, swinging, threesome stuff should be out the door.

 

I know that you just had your baby so maybe that part (no sex while pregnant) is over.

 

But that is not what he is saying, he is saying that he is unhappy. If he does not want to really work on the marriage, you have to move on as scary as that it.

 

While I personally do not understand your or his feelings about sex while pregnant I have to tell you guys that it is impossible to "poke" the baby.

 

I want to share something with all the posters, especially the men. And I am sorry to be so dogmatic about it but I really feel strongly about it.

 

A woman is never more beautiful, and never will be more beautiful, than when she is carrying your child. The act of love that created that child and the act of love that she demonstrates while carrying that child is and always should be the most beautiful thing in the world. People that don't feel that way should examine their definition of love.

 

As an aside, when my wife was pregnant all three times, I thought she was really going to F*** me to death. I felt like a boy toy or a piece of meat. I was a happy, very sexually fulfilled, and very exhausted, piece of meat. But it was one of the most beautiful time in our marriage.

 

Good luck to you and your husband.

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't necessarily think an open marriage or a 3 some will destroy a marriage if it's what both people want.

 

 

But it sure as heck won't save your marriage, and given your situation there is a lot more that can go wrong than go right. If your husband really isn't happy, I don't see how a 3 some is going to make much difference, unless his happiness in marriage is only driven by having sex with women other than his wife.

[Lois_Griffin]

Second, I'd like to clarify that I have not been withholding sex by any means. Of the past year, i was preggers for 9 months of that. Neither one of us were comfortable having sex during my 3rd trimester...you can actually see the baby move....I felt huge and he (for both pregnancies) was weirded out by the whole "I'm poking get he baby!" silliness. The first 6 months were plagued with horrible, mind numbing nausea and acid reflux. But that is not anecessary excuse just a partial reason/clarification. .

Oh for God's sakes, don't defend yourself to the foolish accusations that HIS constant cheating and sleazy behavior is because you weren't catering to his worthless ass 24/7.

 

You've got yourself a serial cheater who thinks nothing of disrespecting you over and over and over and over and over.

 

Why do you want so badly to cling to this jerk when he has ZERO respect for you? And whatever you do, DON'T get pregnant again. You've tethered yourself to this fool with two babies already and have gotten yourself in the unfortunate position of being financially dependent on him. That, no doubt, plays a large part in why you're willing to disrespect yourself even MORE by dragging playmates into the house for Romeo to play with. I guess you figure 'sanctioned' cheating arranged by you at least gives you control over the situation.

 

He'll still cheat no matter how many warm bodies you supply for him. Because that's who he IS.

 

If "fighting like hell for your marriage" means eating a constant diet of sh*t sandwiches served up by a cheater whose TOLD you he's only there for the kids, then you seriously need to explore why you're willing to settle for so very little.

[Lois_Griffin]

is words "I do not want a divorce. I can't remember the last time I was happy in this marriage. I stay because of the kids. What would you say if I wanted to start seeing other people?" We have had issues arise over the past year from his alcohol issues to us only having had sex once or twice.

I can also almost guarantee you that he and his buddies got themselves on a state website and used a child support calculator to find out what he'd be required to pay for child support for two very young children for the next 18 years.

 

And that's one of the very BIG reasons he probably doesn't want a divorce. Because he knows darned well that after paying his monthly child support, he'd only have enough left to pitch a tent in a homeless tent city out by the railroad tracks.

[Mr. Lucky]

My bet is that he's already seeing someone. Maybe time to start to look for work again...

 

Then again I can get cynical sometimes.

 

Given the husband's history and inclination, you might be more of a realist in this case than a cynic.

 

Silver, you might already be in an open marriage, just don't know it. I'd at least do some low-key checking of cell phone records, emails and texts, social media, etc. Knowledge is power...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Methodical]

I didn't read all the comments but want to address your initial post. No, open marriages, swinging, and 3somes don't save marriages. It takes a STRONG marital bond prior to engaging in those activities. And even then, healthy boundaries need to be established and agreed upon, which requires implicit trust between you and your spouse. From your post, that doesn't exist. You are reluctantly considering to his proposal from fear of the unknown, I suspect. Here's the flip side. He made the proposal bc chances are he would be required to pay alimony and child support if you divorce. But, if you agree to an open marriage, he gets his cake while eating it too.

 

How do you feel about becoming an active participant in an open marriage? Would you date/hook up with someone else if that spark ignited? Does his proposal allow for a two-way street, or is his idea of an open marriage one-sided?

 

Don't agree to this thinking it will solve problems. It's actually much harder, especially if you have doubts bc jealousy issues and resentment will rear their heads and compound current issues while bringing a host of new problems to the table.

[anika99]

As others have said, in order for an open marriage to work the relationship has to be solid to begin with which includes lots of trust and openness. Also both people need to have a true desire to open the marriage. If one person is just going along with it in a desperate attempt to "save" the marriage it will be a disaster.

 

I believe you said you have only been married for 3.5 yrs. He already cheated on you in the past, he has issues with drinking to much and now after you have just given birth to his child and you are going through postpartum recovery while caring for a toddler and a newborn he has suggested an open marriage, knowing full well that you are completely tied down and unlikely to be out swinging with other men. What he really meant was "marriage is boring, fatherhood is a drag, I want to live like a bachelor and screw many women but I still need you to clean the house and wash my underwear so let's have an open marriage"

 

All this after only 3.5yrs of marriage. I think the sooner you accept that you didn't pick a keeper for a husband and you divorce him the better it will be for you. He will have to pay child support and some alimony while you get on your feet so you won't be left with no funds at all. Round up support from family and friends and start looking to a better future for yourself and your children. Usually I believe people should do all they can to save their marriage but in your case there just doesn't seem to be much to save. He's already cheated and he abuses alcohol and now he's telling you he wants other women, all within the first 3yrs of marriage. What is there to hold onto here?

[Bee4Shine]

They don't work. Your heart was designed to be cherished and nurtured, not shared. It is not your responsibility to make your husband happy, that is up to him. He has choices to make. I am sorry for your struggle. Counseling is the best option because a licensed 3rd party will help you two identify those things in your marriage that are causing you struggles.