caregiver Posted August 11, 2016 Share Posted August 11, 2016 Ask yourself if this is what you want your children to learn is okay. You are fighting to keep it together but all it really sounds like is you are willing to let him do every chick he can convince while you take care of the kids. You are the one giving while he gets all the goodies. It won't be long before he is asking you to bring home girls for him. What happens when one of these girls gives all of you a disease? Or turns out to be a homewrecker and convinces him to run off with just her. And she will end up very disappointed also. The anger and resentment you feel will only build. His sexual excitement and threesomes went out the window when you started having children. Sex is important in a marriage but once you have kids, they become the priority. Marriage counseling might save this, might not. I am not sure this guy is worth it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted August 11, 2016 Share Posted August 11, 2016 OP, I think you know that your marriage is over and your husband only cares about himself. I believe that your children and financial dependence are the reasons you are still with your husband. One of the reasons I am childfree is I notice many couples staying in unhappy marriages because of their children. I never want to be in that position if my marriage becomes a terrible ordeal. My husband and I will only be together because we want to and not because we feel obligated. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted August 11, 2016 Share Posted August 11, 2016 Don't do it. I'm sorry but threesomes, swinging, group sex, open relationship....none of that is going to save your marriage. You cannot save it by yourself, and he has made it clear that he is not interested in saving it. Go see a divorce lawyer and find out what your rights are. If it were me, and as badly as he has treated you, I would take him to the cleaners. He does not deserve your good will. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 11, 2016 Share Posted August 11, 2016 Threesomes would be a bad idea for up. An open marriage is the same. But can I ask if he'd be open to a threesome with a man? Where the focus is on you? Are you still sexually attracted to him? Would he be happy for you to get a lover on the side? I think he simply wants sex with other women and doesn't want to hide it. He says he's miserable and is staying for the kids. Rather than him leave when you're older and time has passed, let him go now .... so you have a chance to find someone else. Or if he's any use as a Dad, you could hang in there a bit longer so he helps with the kids while they are young, then reassess at least when they're all potty trained and talking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 Question: Do open marriages work? Or am I just fooling myself trying to keep divorce (or the potential of a sexless/loveless marriage) at bay? I can't comment on a threesome but we had an open marriage for 5 months. It was different though, we were married 8 years, drifted apart and met other people to whom we formed an emotional attachments. It was a very painful experience, our marriage is stronger than ever but I'd no more recommend it than I'd suggest someone get cancer to appreciate life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissFour Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 No, absolutely not. Neither will save your marriage. And a marriage can't be saved by only 1 person. Be true to yourself. For your sake and for the sake of your children. Set an example of self-respect. If one of your children is a daughter, ask yourself whether you would want that for her when she's a wife, or whether you'd want her to have a loving spouse who treats her with respect. If you wouldn't want that for her, then don't settle yourself. You deserve better! Someone who loves you. Someone committed to YOU. He's already proven before that he was not committed to you...don't be a willing participant this time around. I agree with others that he wants an open marriage or threesomes for his benefit only. I also agree that this arrangement keeps him from paying a big chunk of change each month for 18-21 years for child support, health insurance, educational support, etc. etc. Here where I live, 3 children is 22% of his income; and 2 kids is 20%, and again that's aside from the extras....You may get more or have more bargaining power if you have GROUNDS for the divorce, including alimony. If you were to agree to this arrangement, no way could you allege adultery as a grounds for divorce. At least not where I live. I can't speak for the laws in your state. Seek professional advice. Since neither an open marriage nor 3some will save your marriage, don't do it because (1) first and foremost, you don't want to, and (2) because if he strays again, you have legal grounds for divorce, whether he agrees to the divorce or not...again, this is typically how it is in my state. Also, if he wants out of the marriage, let HIM be the one to physically leave/move out -- do not physically leave him or leave the kids with him, because in addition to adultery, you may also have grounds for abandonment if he leaves (and you don't want to be the one to leave because then he might argue abandonment). Again seek professional advice -- a divorce attorney, but also counseling for yourself, aside from marriage counseling. I think a professional counselor will help you realize that you're stronger than you think! I know you're heartbroken and this is hard, especially with 3 young children...but you can do this and move on. Hang in there 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 This is a "forced" open marriage. People in open marriages that work, BOTH want an open marriage. Here HE wants an open marriage, and you, as you do not want to lose him will agree to it. BUT this will tear you apart, I guarantee it. What sort of mother will you be to your children if every day you are depressed and grieving, when he is out there sleeping with other women. Step back and look at what exactly this man brings to your life - it is all from where I stand about grief and heart ache. Get yourself away from him and quick, before he drags you down completely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 (edited) It sounds like he's dead set against divorcing but wants your permission to cheat so he won't have to worry about you divorcing him if you find out he's cheating. If you are too scared to divorce too then both of you can pretty much do anything you want. Edited August 13, 2016 by Popsicle 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted August 13, 2016 Share Posted August 13, 2016 My bet is that he's already seeing someone. Maybe time to start to look for work again.... Yes please start working again! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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