HurtHusband Posted August 8, 2016 Share Posted August 8, 2016 Hello everyone Many of you know my story. Am back in my home country with wife and two kids. We live in j@#$# and because i have no rights there as a parent in the event of seperation. Was like a ticking time bomb and kept everything in for two years. Was back here in holiday mode. Knew i had to talk to her at some stage but yesterday a fight happened after i confronted her for hittibg our four yo on the head. She has a habit of hitting the kids on the top of the head have warned her repeatedly. she grabbed my neck and punched me which was the last straw ...two yrs of resentment over her affairs bubbled up... Verbal fight ensued and everything came out...was nasty...in seperate room. She was blocking door..she can not exceot she was wrong for cheating/getting pregnant claiming that 'i'm boring' I started mentioing her texts emotional affair / she denied at first. Once the penny dropped she threathened to sue me for checking her phone. 6 yr old was outside crying..could not leave as she was blocking door so i gave her both barrels and tokd her " your thrash your a whore and your worse than a whore cause at least a whore is honest and you gave it awsy for free to another married man abd yiu chooee than instead of me and your family She fell back and went hysterical screaming and @#@ help mevhelp me what i said must have seared her soul but it had to be said .... Next thing i was outside door. I closed door she started kickibg abd beatibg the door ..i was holdibg the door closed and telling her to calm down while i was telling kids to go downstairs finally let door open she grabbed older child and curled up on downstairs sofa ...i picked up the younger child and walked to sisters house. That evening returned with friend and younger child. Wife and daughter and twovsuitcases missing which is what i feared abd why i took one child with me Called police and made statement ...police located her at city center hotel / cant tell me where but they are safe . wife calls at 2am says shes leaving ( ? I have all passports ) she is defensive does not ask about other child . Still remorseless so i tell her to call her mother and tell her what she did and why i am angry. Wife says are yiu threathening me and if i tell her mother than she will dissapear in her country with the kids and i will never see them ...i tell her she cant run from the truth and that she would only be hurting the kids. She hangs up... Today contacted lawyers social welfare and mediator...had no idea where she is or if she will contact me-- social worker will document claims of child abuse for hitting the children on the head. Lawyer was prepared to scan their passports and alert her embassy not to issue emergancy passports or help her flee Hitting your child in this country is classified as chikd abuse and is illegal. I will persue all legal avenues to ensure the kids stay in this country..i dont care about her anger only about ensuring my rights to see my kids. She calls today and is now back at holiday home with daughter... will call over later with vrother in law to ensure safety. Will check ob daughter. But not stay there cannot take any chances she is very devious and volatile and she got physical yesterday..risky as she could make false claims of abuse . 6 Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted August 8, 2016 Share Posted August 8, 2016 sounds like you're doing everything in your power to protect your kids, and that's awesome! Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 8, 2016 Share Posted August 8, 2016 Told you over a year ago you would explode. Good for you, I know how tough it's been on you for fear of losing your girls to just be her whipping boy. I will caution you on the name calling, and doing it with your girls there. For women words are like rocks, it's hard to have any empathy for your wife, but she is still the mother of your children, girls make it even worse. Other then that, it's about time. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted August 8, 2016 Share Posted August 8, 2016 Your almost there and have payed dearly, do not let a a small laspe blow it. Hide behind professionals and don't peek out. You lawyer knows what you want - he talks to everybody eise - not you ! Oh And AMEM!! THANK YOU LORD Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted August 8, 2016 Author Share Posted August 8, 2016 Went well have sone shared concerns and we have communication and a start...wilk update soon Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 8, 2016 Share Posted August 8, 2016 Hi again HH, It's about time she heard it, but the kids being around when you exploded wasn't so great. The truth obviously got to her. Carry on protecting your girls and they are both old enough to testify that their mom hits them on the head if asked. She'll cause them brain damage at this rate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted August 8, 2016 Share Posted August 8, 2016 How many residences do you have in Japan? Damn you must be loaded. I went to Tokyo two years ago and blew through $3,000 in less than four days. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted August 9, 2016 Author Share Posted August 9, 2016 Kids are fine and went to beach with cousins..i will let one child stay with her each evening..i know its weird but under the circumstances...we are going to see a tough but fair well regarded nun tomorrow ..she is a counseller? Wife went to school with nuns and preferred to regular mediator...kids have to stay here ...wife has no family and job and cannot cope with too kuch stress also hitting the kids and she has issues...for everyones welfare wife included here is better and calmer... Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted August 9, 2016 Share Posted August 9, 2016 (edited) Use the laws of your country to protect your children and enforce your rights. Find a way to come to an agreement with her but you can't go back to J***n or you will loose your children. Good for you for getting back to your country, it had to just about kill you to have to put up with her abuse for the last two years. You have rights, being married to a serial cheater that abuses you and your children shouldn't be tolerated. Having a wife that gets impregnated by another man is the highest form of disrespect, fire her, you can do a lot better. Carry a VAR on you at all times(voice activated recorder). Now is the time to expose the other men. Contact the other betrayed spouses and expose the affairs. The new boyfriends wife needs to know that her husband has made plans to meet your wife for sex. They deserve to know the truth about the POS they are married to. Edited August 9, 2016 by aliveagain 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fearful Posted August 9, 2016 Share Posted August 9, 2016 Well done OP, I am hoping that you will have the strength to finally divorce her and not give in to your fear and there by reconciling with her under the guise of interest of the children because from your last post, you have talk about counselling. that is if I got you write. Counselling for who? Marriage like yours is not worth saving for any reason, children inclusive, because it will only destroy the psychological balance of kids and ruined their future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted August 9, 2016 Author Share Posted August 9, 2016 I know my wife is a nightmare but am using counselling as a rude to persuade her to stay here...the goal is to keep the kids in this country and make it look more attrsctive for all of us.... I know once she realises my true intention to will lead to mektdown number two...do not want a repeat of sundays fight abd her running off...i may have to mice away with kids and use legal and social welfare claims of abuse....maybe an amicable sokytion is impossibe...and the risk of kosing kids back to her country ( like many others ) is far too high Link to post Share on other sites
Mind-Chants Posted August 9, 2016 Share Posted August 9, 2016 Sir I suggest you use the situation to the best to tighten the grip as you want it and then go for a fare deal with her. If you start looking to have a fair deal with her, history is the proof that it is never going to happen. As suggested by others, let the professionals do their job. Let them force her to compromise her stand. You have been abused for a long time now it's time for you to show your hand. Don't let go the opportunity. Stepping down is always easy (you from a favorable position to a fair position) but stepping up is going to be very difficult (in case she does something crazy)and you may lose the only chance you have. She is quite unpredictable and she can't be trusted for a rational deal. I fear for your kids safety. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted August 17, 2016 Author Share Posted August 17, 2016 I am living with my wife and children at my fathers house. The advice the lawyer gave me was to kill her with kindness...stay in this country for at least six months. That's easier if we are together. We both realised the impact the separation had on the kids and talked about fixing things and going back to how we were when we first met... So the last few days have been very good. My wife is sleeping in a bed with me like a normal wife, the kids in there own room. We are lucky in many ways, my fathers house is very nice Nd in a fantastic area with green spaces and friendly neighbours. There is a wonderful girls school nearby and we both went and met the principal and did a tour. I even found a promising job...everything seems to going well.. We even had some affection and hand holding. She want to bring the dogs over, fine with me as it would make our situation here more permanent and complete our family.... I know this was really stupid ..but her phone was on the windowsill yesterday and I picked it up and noticed she changed the pin and than I pressed it a few times...I know we are suppose to rebuild trust etc. But today she noticed and accused me and I eventually I admitted to touching her phone and said sorry. Today was a rainy day and i went and joined the local lobe baby with the younger one and got 10 books and we stayed in and read books with the kids...but she gave me a condition...put the kids passports somewhere where she can see them or else she won't forgive me..and go back alone? Last weeks drama was a nightmare... The ticket date came and went and after counselling she was still very defiant and I ended up giving her back her passport but not the kids which led to her storming off..than we were separated and she was constantly phoning me..the kids were upset and confused...I did'nt know if she would go back lane or stay...( I told her to stay and I would buy her a ticket to return at a future date if she wanted to go ) Yes the last few days have been like happy families and I think she is sincere but I am n a tightrope and being like a double agent living with her and persuading her to continue the counselling and be a happy family... I have money belong to her in my bank account...at first she wanted it sent back ( I did'nt ) and now I pretended to reverse the money order and supposedly its compound back to my acc. ( it's been there all along,.) also she does not know that I used some of her money to lather cc bills cause I just could'nt afford it... She might flip when she finds out the truth...she has her passport bit the kids are in a safe. I was planning to say the lawyer has them and now the lawyer is on holiday etc. Again just more BS to keep her from doing anything extreme.., We are going to see the nun again on Friday...I thought we made lots of progress this week. I understand what she's saying about building trust...and I slipped up by checking her phone. But I won't give her the kids passports or hand over all her money. The plan was we live together and both find work and put the kids in school and make a go of it..we are living rent free in a nice big house. I have to be calm and civil but no passports....she knows her choices...if she gets angry and starts anything she can phone the police and they will come up and see that the kids are fine but that's all they do..I won't budge, and than she will have to get a lawyer and spend big money ( unless she gets free legal aid ) we went to the school together and live together and I keep saying lets fix our problems and stay together etc. It's war or peace...choose war and I will not flinch but dont expect me to hold her hand...iwou,d find her an apt beans and return some of her money... But within reason, I have to work and ta,e kids to school and that's hard when things are up in the air. We both promised that neither of us would run off with the kids, when I brought her up to my dads house the sun was shining and the kids were so happy that we were all together and we had group hugs etc and it was a beautiful moment..... I just worry that it could all turn to ****..you hVe to expect hiccups and I hope she gets over the phone thing and stops with her passport and conditions spiel. She said she'd go back if she does'nt get the kids passport but she says it right in front of the children and than they start crying and saying they want to go to...and I hate that. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 WW is playing nice because she wants those passports. I guarantee once she has them she is fleeing the country with them and you will never see your kids again let alone have any kind of custody. There is no marriage to save. There is no reason for a wife to forbid her husband from access to her phone. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 Your lawyer is not a relationship therapist. If you do not treat her like the enemy she is you are good NG to be the sorriest man alive. You are being played by an U remorseful cheater . I hope you come out of your fog 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 omg - I feel like I'm watching one of those movies where the protagonist's Achilles heel is bringing him down slowly but surely. You know where it's going and you can't even stand to stay in your seat and watch, it's so disturbing. NO, no, no, HH! Just no! Don't tell me you're buying her sh-t?! Listen you cannot do this. You just cannot. You've been on LS too long, you've read the other threads, you KNOW better! You. Cannot. Trust. Her. Your wife is a narcissistic manipulator who will use whatever deception, maneuvre or underhanded ploy to get what she wants. She's not going to change her basic f-cked up personality, which is childish, selfish and non-empathic. BUT she will have figured out by now just what it is she can do to you or give you to get those passports. And as soon as she does, you've surrendered your options, played your hand, given up the ghost. You're toast! Reread your own threads, man! Don't do this now. Don't , don't reconcile with this psychopath. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 And I cannot BELIEVE you actually apologized for looking at her phone. Don't you remember this BASIC right of the BS post d-day: passwords, monitoring whenever, whatever and however you need. Tell her, HH! This is the price she pays for what she did. Demand the passwords. Make her prove whatever she claims. Don't let her go into sneak mode again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted August 18, 2016 Share Posted August 18, 2016 Smh, come on, her sleeping in bed with you means what? She isn't even hiding her intentions and you see sincerity? Mad because you looked at her phone, changed password, demanding money and passport...she is still neck deep with om, and looking to make a dash witg the kids. What are you saving? As far as the kids...it's better they be from a broken home then live in one. There is no love and very little respect in the our home. It's as dysfunctional as I've seen here its will be very difficult for your girls not to feel long term repercussions from this sham of a relationship. I really believe you are doing them a disservice here. I see nothing to save, and your wife is still very much unwilling. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 When she pulls ANY line on you to get you to do things her way, all you have to say is what she did to you for x years. Just make a list, memorize it and have it ready on the tip of the tongue as the answer to every request for compromise. The basics are that she's given you every reason not to trust her, which means that there is nothing she can say or do short-term that changes that. It's just how it works. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted August 19, 2016 Share Posted August 19, 2016 Okay....you're being a doormat here. Under no circumstances should you let her keep any more of her secrets..ie phone passwords, etc. Second, under no circumstances...short of a court order signed by a judge...do you give her your childrens passports..you will regret it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted August 19, 2016 Author Share Posted August 19, 2016 I will not be handing over any kids passports...under any circumstances. Now we both went to a fantastic school less than 5 mins walk from here and gave a lovely house and I should hopefully find work soon. I no longer have to pay her cc bill or expensive school fees or rent and that's a huge burden off my shoulders.. From four jobs to having one job and I am no longer her wage slave and threatened with 'I'll divorce you ' ..I will try and get grandee to babysit, take her out and smooth over the cracks abut... Roll on January and 6 months to kids being habitually resident here.. I don't think she's independent enough to separate from me here in this country and work and do it all herself... Either way I don't care cause I am just happy I got out of that country and got my kids out to and into a nice school here and back to a country where things are fairer and she can't have things all her own way... So am just happy for my kids... I sent to counselling by myself tonight .. ( she thinks it's a waste of money.. The woman who does it was surprised and did'nt charge me ) the reason she does'nt like it is because last week was hardcore and she got a roasting and had to face up to her bad behaviour and of course she did'nt like it and ended up in tears hyperventilating!! Seriously.. I know it's not nice but I did not have much sympathy for her and after 2 yrs of enduring crap kind of enjoyed watching her squirm and suffer. If she wants to take a trip back I can say " after Christmas Jan/Feb .. Which is over 6 months since we arrived here... Now this is just talk... I have no intention of going back and the kids are not going back..at that point she can do whatever she wants.. Find a lawyer etc. Play it how she likes.. She can go back and forth and see the kids whenever she wants... But she can react in whatever fashion she wants, the kids stay here in ire€&@€ and that's that... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted August 20, 2016 Author Share Posted August 20, 2016 Wife was talking about 'trust' and the kids passports. I lied and said the lawyer has them in a safe.. I am worried that there will be another bust up / her threat is that she will return to japan alone if the passports are not retrieved. She also seems to have done abit of research and she mentioned The Hague and that she would go back to japan and consult with a lawyer there.... I thought about getting fake ones over the internet.. But don't know if I have enough time... I worry about a second stand off...we are living in my dad's house. I don't won't the kids to experience another tug of war and have screaming kids and there mother saying she's leaving... Maybe I have to make a move and than tell her either stay or go... Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 20, 2016 Share Posted August 20, 2016 I'm sorry to say this, but you'll loose your daughters if she gets those passports in her sight. She's playing a game and biding her time. She has an affair .. gets pregnant ... tries to pin it on you for a minute ... gets an abortion .... you take her for the abortion... and you're apologising for looking at her phone!!!! Why even tell her your going for counselling? She doesn't care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HurtHusband Posted August 24, 2016 Author Share Posted August 24, 2016 sandylee1 your correct it's a game.. A bizarre one. According to the lawyer I spoke to, I have to stay in this country with my kids for six months. So that they become 'habitually resident' Otherwise she can go to court and use the 'Hague treaty'to have them sent back she would have to return on her own in order to start the process I think... I originally proposed we stay here until early next year to 'patch things up' of course I don't intend to go back or let the kids go back, but I have to say something...I told a lie and said a lawyer had the kids passports, she went to the lawyers office, phoned him, he could not lie to her and I had to admit that I lied to her and that I actually have them...**** hit the fan over this... It's very hard to keep someone in a country for 6 months...to make it worse 'habitual residence' varies from country to country..my country plays by the book but in her country the kids 'habitual residency' would change as soon as their feet touch the ground. So I am contorting myself into into and acting like a double agent just so that 6 months can pass peacefully with no Hague case... Now she has done a bit of research and found a lawyer in her home country... She is confident that she would win and I would lose.. she is now proposing that my lawyer keep the kids passports until January and that we have a signed agreement that her and the kids have to return in January and that the passports are handed over to her on such a date/ I can go or stay...her lawyer will also recommend a lawyer in my city who is knowledgable about The Hague and these matters... So basically we are making a contract, it's sad but, the truth is there is no solution if both of us want to live in separate countries. I know the kids would be much better off here, as regards schooling, society, environment, family network and opportunities...I wish she would agree. Her country has a terrible reputation, I would have no rights over there, is she being sincere about us? I mean our relationship? I would sign a deal with the devil in order to stay here for six months and avoid a Hague trial. But I assume the lawyer she finds here is not a complete moron and will tell her that anything we sign is not legally binding, or mainly symbolic? I want my lawyer to be a Machiavellian type who knows its a game and will play along to ensure I get the desired result...I understand I can't expect my lawyer to deliberately mislead her but if he is too honest she might just go off and do The Hague. ...she knows the longer we stay here, she will be at more of a disadvantage, so why is she proposing this? Is she bluffing? either way it's better for me to stay here for 6 moths with the kids...I don't want to go awol or hop over to another country with the kids..I know people do that. Maybe that's all I can do..or I will eventually lose...I don't know... it's weird cause we are talking very Honestly and living in the same house. She is going by the advice of her lawyers, the best thing I could do is to convince her that I'm sincere and that we can go back in January and avoid expensive lawyers ( mine cost like US $300 for over an hr. Free legal aid? Ha!!! Some lawyers accept it, but when I went to the free legal aid board, there was a 3 month waiting list... So right now..she will talk to her lawyer and I will talk to mine and see if this contract thing is possible... Link to post Share on other sites
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