Major bust up long overdue

[eye of the storm]

HH, I know you are upset. I know you don't want to hurt her. It doesn't matter how badly she has treated you, you still care.

 

BUT do not let that turn your brain off. She is trying to break you. She knows you can't stand to see her upset. She knows you hate conflict and just want peace.

 

Tell your lawyer you need to move fast and decisively. Then do it. Take her to the airport. Leave the kids at home. Do not let them near the airport. You know you are willing to let her come visit anytime she wants. You also know if she gets those kids back to JP that you will never see them again.

 

What is more important to you. Seeing your children or keeping her from being upset.

 

Stay focused on what is important.

[Marc878]

i feel responsible but she has options...right now it's like the end of the world...she is sobbing and if I say it's ok, she says I don't know when I will see my kids again...we are in the same house and we are it going anywhere...I ask her why does she have to go back? Or go there and come back? She just says she can't be here, will she change her mind? I know the weather is ****..but we had lots of good times over the last 5 months and saw our kids everyday...

 

Is she some sort of martyr? Does she want the kids to grow up and hate me??

She said there were times when she got depressed about being here that she hated me, but in reality she des not hate me and knows that ultimately it's her own actions which resulted in us being here...I told her I don't hate her and care about her..

 

Consequences for her actions. So what

[merrmeade]

So what happened, HH? Did she go (I hope, I hope)?

 

In your recent interaction with your wife, you seemed completely undone by her tears and tantrum to the point of actually begging her to stay. Whatever. I think you'll get 0 compassion for her from anyone here. I suppose it's good that you're not exactly kicking her out - for your kids' sake. Not in the least. You can clearly clean your conscience of that. It's about the only saving grace I can see for the apparent groveling.

 

 

I started to take out all the wishful, weak things you said on the previous page about these conversations and contrast them with the things she has said to you that you've reported over the course of this thread. That is not a good use of my time, however, so I urge you to do it. Go back and read (or just think! You were there I believe) and look at what vile, selfish, COMPLETELY unfeeling nastiness she has said and done to you. Then, read your compassionate imploring of her to stay and your indecisiveness. What do you think?

[WilyWill]

I think you'll get 0 compassion for her from anyone here.

 

I second that zero.

 

She made her bed and is not to be trusted with anything. Do the business that needs to be done: divorce, custody, assets, etc. After that, you can exercise all compassion that you want.

[HurtHusband]

I suggested me going back to sort out her apt. And she staying here with the kids. I would go back for a week or two. She told me to think things through this weekend and let her know by Monday.

 

We had a really good weekend, although we were both probably anxious about Monday morning. This morning she asked me after the kids had gone off to school. I suggested me going back alone, or both of us go back for 2 weeks and my sister can mind the kids. She did not like this idea, she said why can't we all go back for 2 months so that the kids can see their friends...

 

Anyway she was not having it, she got up, got dressed and has gone off to buy a ticket for herself. She said she will go back alone and sue me or do The Hague treaty and she will win and have the kids back in Japan in less than two months.

 

Sigh.....I don't want it to come to this, she wants me to trust her, we all just go back together, she did her 6 months here, so fairs fair, I try to explain, but it's no use. Yes Marc you are right, these are consequences. The kids are happy and we all live together now, suing me is just breaking up the family beyond repair.

I hope she reconsiders and does not go down the legal route...

[Mz. Pixie]

I suggested me going back to sort out her apt. And she staying here with the kids. I would go back for a week or two. She told me to think things through this weekend and let her know by Monday.

 

We had a really good weekend, although we were both probably anxious about Monday morning. This morning she asked me after the kids had gone off to school. I suggested me going back alone, or both of us go back for 2 weeks and my sister can mind the kids. She did not like this idea, she said why can't we all go back for 2 months so that the kids can see their friends...

 

Anyway she was not having it, she got up, got dressed and has gone off to buy a ticket for herself. She said she will go back alone and sue me or do The Hague treaty and she will win and have the kids back in Japan in less than two months.

 

Sigh.....I don't want it to come to this, she wants me to trust her, we all just go back together, she did her 6 months here, so fairs fair, I try to explain, but it's no use. Yes Marc you are right, these are consequences. The kids are happy and we all live together now, suing me is just breaking up the family beyond repair.

I hope she reconsiders and does not go down the legal route...

 

Have you documented everything that has happened from her affair and her abortion to her hitting the children etc? If not, I suggest you do so immediately.

 

Please do not give into her threats. Honestly I think the Hague has more pressing issues to delve into and perhaps if anything she will be put on a waiting list. Why do you think she has all the power here?

 

Did you file for temporary custody as you said you were going to? Please do that now!!!!

 

Let her leave and do whatever she would like- that is more time for you to have the kids where you are- and there would have to be extradition etc wouldn't there? I mean so what if she wins in Japan- you are not in Japan and do not have to abide by their rules internationally do you??

 

She is evil and manipulative and just about every disorder I can think of.

 

She wants honesty and truth- and she doesn't have an honest bone in her body. You're seeing this right?

 

How in the world do you go from being a dramatic wreck to having a good weekend? I just don't see this. Are you a conflict avoider? Because it sure seems as if you are.

 

File for temp custody now. Let her go- protect your children. A narcassstic mother is no mother, I know I had one.

[eye of the storm]

HH, any update? Did she buy her ticket? Are you standing firm that the children are not going back to Japan?

 

I hope for you and your children's sake you haven't caved.

[HurtHusband]

Very long tiring day..got a'safety and protection order' but ****ed up. It doesn't mention custody, I need temporary custody awaiting trial, I cannot serve this order to her embassy ( who she told me will give her passports for the two children ) because it mentions nothing about custody, if it did, it means her visitation would be supervised and they would not want to be complicit in helping her abduct them...I have someone in the US very knowledgable about this helping me....not seen his own kid in 14 yrs, helped 100's of parents, there have been a lot of suicides of parents who lost custody/access to their children due to international parentalabduction....it is very common, you all know that, look at those parents whose little girl or boy has been abducted to Russia , or India or Brazil or japan,

 

So back to court again tomorrow to amend the order, have toget my dad to mind them.. Have to get them out of school, she is going to see her lawyer tomorrow....she is getting advice from her lawyer in Japan, it's a game and she is playing it better than me right now....the DV protection order thing with a court appointed date of March 7 ( again it's useless, I do not have emergency temp custody, she will not be here than..

 

I have to protect my kids

I have to protect my kids

I have to protect my kids

I have to protect my kids

 

What the kids *want is not important, protecting them and keeping them here is. If those kids fly off next month with her...it will be a different country/jurisdiction..

 

The judge today will not help me...

My lawyer won't help me....

Family friends sympathizing with me will not help me...

Walking past the school my children happily attended and crying and wishing I had the balls to do something won't help me....

 

Thank you all for your support, yes I do avoid conflict and I do baby my wife...but I will lose this game unless I get my **** together, step out of myself, and focus on only one thing at all costs...protecting my kids.

[eye of the storm]

I have to protect my kids

I have to protect my kids

I have to protect my kids

I have to protect my kids

 

...but I will lose this game unless I get my **** together, step out of myself, and focus on only one thing at all costs...protecting my kids.

 

You already know what you need to do. Do it. Protect your children.

 

Sending you strength.

[merrmeade]

So back to court again tomorrow to amend the order, have toget my dad to mind them.. Have to get them out of school, she is going to see her lawyer tomorrow....she is getting advice from her lawyer in Japan, it's a game and she is playing it better than me right now....the DV protection order thing with a court appointed date of March 7 ( again it's useless, I do not have emergency temp custody, she will not be here than..

 

I have to protect my kids

I have to protect my kids

I have to protect my kids

I have to protect my kids

 

What the kids *want is not important, protecting them and keeping them here is. If those kids fly off next month with her...it will be a different country/jurisdiction..

 

The judge today will not help me...

My lawyer won't help me....

Family friends sympathizing with me will not help me...

Walking past the school my children happily attended and crying and wishing I had the balls to do something won't help me....

 

Thank you all for your support, yes I do avoid conflict and I do baby my wife...but I will lose this game unless I get my **** together, step out of myself, and focus on only one thing at all costs...protecting my kids.

You know what to do and what not to do.

 

If you ever questioned her pure evilness, surely you see it now. We've seen her manipulate people and circumstances to get what she wants. The first we knew of her was her humiliating manipulation of you in order to get an abortion of another man's child, her name-calling, indifference, disdain and emasculation. On her own in your culture, we've seen her play the model wife and mother (minus head-bashing the children), playing coy, begging, feigning illness and having tantrums to try and get those passports. She's simply playing the next hand right now and will bring all her conniving, controlled wrath to bear. She does not merely want those children; she doesn't want you to win.

 

YOU HAVE TO THINK LIKE SHE DOES. You've fooled yourself and let her fool you over and over. Now, for once , would you PLEASE take some tips from her playbook. Stop your hand-wringing, slam the door on doubts and fear, and rise up determined and focused on nothing else but what you must do, step by step. You have right on your side and the well-being of your children. Whether anyone else knows that, you do. You are every bit as smart as she is. I would say smarter because here you are facing your worst nightmare and you ARE coping and taking steps.

 

The advantage that you have and she doesn't is real heart and your real story of evil entrapment. I don't believe that everyone will be duped by her fake attempts to play the victim.

 

Stay the course, HH, and take one step at a time, methodically and without emotional distraction. Nothing else can come in your field of operation. You could use some controlled rage to fuel your will and inform your strategies.

 

You can do this.

[merrmeade]

Hey, HH - been worrying about you all day. What's happening? Did you get the court order granting temporary custody?

[merrmeade]

I hope you're okay, HH

[HurtHusband]

Yesterday I apologized for taking my two daughters out of school ( I went to the court house / Wednesday). I told them what was going on and they brought me to see a social worker. A social worked cant speed things up or give me sole custody/ we both have equal full custody. I was assured my wife cant leave the country with my kids...courts lawyers etc. are all closed until jan 5th

my wife is fuming because the time I spent over here, I could have been working back there..local tax, insurance, all the bills are piling up back there...

she tells me she is going back in jan, but also said she cancelled her booking, we cant live and pay for life in two countries..we don't have stability, she could go back and rent out her apt/ sell the car and take care of all that stuff.

I only care about my kids, why should I care about water bills piling up and at the same time she is still seeing her lawyer and plotting against me...

I asked her to come see the friendly social worker on Friday/ not interested...at least if things were civil and ok between us until jan 5th while we are under the same roof...

 

 

I really hope its a peaceful Christmas/ I might buy a mini tape recorder to put in my pocket...

[merrmeade]

Excellent! It js challenging but you clearly have organized, schemed and colluded with all the right people and cunning. Having learned her methods and motives, you're able to stay ahead of her game and change the rules. Keep the faith, HH. You've got this. So proud of you!!!

[HurtHusband]

My wife told me she spoke to the Japanese ambassador in Dub. a Mr Ogawa. She explained her situation and that I have the kids Jp and Ir. passports.

He told her he can't give her a passport for the kids without the husbands signature.

 

My wife claims to be exhausted after the drama of the previous few days and she won't/can't get passports and leave. She said Mr. Ogawa told her to make a contract with me that would make me feel comfortable returning to Jp and make sure I would have access to the kids etc. in the event of a breakup. I was surprised that she actually spoke to the ambassador, but Ire. is a smaller country than the US.etc I suggested that maybe I should maybe talk to the ambassador myself. She said I should.

 

I don't hate Jp, I have been with my wife a long time. I have good memories there too,

We both love our children but can't agree on which country to live in, my wife says if we can't make a contract than she will just start legal proceedings in January. According to her lawyer here, it will only take two months and than the kids will be back with her in Jp. If my wife won The Hague case, she would want me to return or see the kids whenever I want. She does not want to divorce, we don't want to be enemies.

 

I wish it were simpler and wish she would just go along with what her husband wants, which I know is abit traditional. In a Hague case, I would highlight her reliance on medication,the safety/protection order ( DV) the incidents that happened..she has to see a judge on March 9th over the safety order. Maybe that might make a difference in a Hague case. Also the kids have flourished at school here, made lots of friends and have a home and stability, why would they break that up?? I am currently unemployed, and how can I visit my kids once they are on the other side of the world?? If they decide based on what's best for the children than I think their life here looks very stable and happy....

 

As for making a contract...the kids go back and live in Jp on Ir. passports and visas? Her property is put on my name? Serious implications if I did not get to see my kids, but how can you make and enforce such a contract, would it be legally binding?? I don't know, but promising the earth like that makes me think...she is desperate and knows she may not win a Hague case..I don't know. I don't want a Hague case, and she would be living with me while we are both going to court etc. I don't feel right about caving in or giving in either.

 

I was thinking should I send some links about the custody situation in Japan to the Japanese ambassador? ( in Japanese ) he is probably some old fella, I am sure he has an idea but he might not be fully aware of the reality in Jp. Let him know how **** things are! He suggested the contract,

Dear sir, I understand that Japan might one day join the rest of the civilized world in making shared custody a reality for many, however in the unfortunate event of marital breakdown, I hope not to end up like my friends, a, b and c, please advise on said contract and how we could avoid such a situation,

 

Regards...

[eye of the storm]

HH, she is lying to you. She is saying what you want to hear.

 

Only listen to your lawyer. Find a job now.

 

Cement you position in IR.

 

Do now allow your children to go back to JP until everything is internationally legally locked down. In a way JP will not contest.

 

Protect your children or say goodbye.

[hestheone66]

Once I'd decided I had to get him away from me and children, I simply stopped allowing him to speak to me...

 

Once you realize that they will say and twist anything, the safest way to remain determined in your course of action is to not speak...they don't hear what you want anyway and they are very skilled at appearing reasonable...

 

She may get so frustrated that she acts out and could even require police intervention...that assists your case for custody.

 

Please be the protector your children need..don't allow your good heart to be abused.

 

YOU DESERVE RESPECT, LOVE AND SAFETY

 

The thing that gave me strength was realising that staying in a dysfunctional and toxic relationship was a form of child abuse and they were already scarred...

 

Your priority is to keep your children safe, then happy then to allow yourself to really see your worth as a human does not depend on the view that some crazy manipulator portrays of you.

Remember EVERYTHING She says is "white noise" in the background...keep your focus on your plans..don't respond to her...

[Mz. Pixie]

Of course she can't go back? Who is going to support her?

 

She's angling to have your children, you paycheck and she has OM.

 

Don't lie down for this.

[merrmeade]

My wife told me she spoke to the Japanese ambassador in Dub. a Mr Ogawa. She explained her situation and that I have the kids Jp and Ir. passports.

He told her he can't give her a passport for the kids without the husbands signature.

 

My wife claims to be exhausted after the drama of the previous few days and she won't/can't get passports and leave. She said Mr. Ogawa told her to make a contract with me that would make me feel comfortable returning to Jp and make sure I would have access to the kids etc. in the event of a breakup. I was surprised that she actually spoke to the ambassador, but Ire. is a smaller country than the US.etc I suggested that maybe I should maybe talk to the ambassador myself. She said I should.

 

I don't hate Jp, I have been with my wife a long time. I have good memories there too,

We both love our children but can't agree on which country to live in, my wife says if we can't make a contract than she will just start legal proceedings in January. According to her lawyer here, it will only take two months and than the kids will be back with her in Jp. If my wife won The Hague case, she would want me to return or see the kids whenever I want. She does not want to divorce, we don't want to be enemies.

 

I wish it were simpler and wish she would just go along with what her husband wants, which I know is abit traditional. In a Hague case, I would highlight her reliance on medication,the safety/protection order ( DV) the incidents that happened..she has to see a judge on March 9th over the safety order. Maybe that might make a difference in a Hague case. Also the kids have flourished at school here, made lots of friends and have a home and stability, why would they break that up?? I am currently unemployed, and how can I visit my kids once they are on the other side of the world?? If they decide based on what's best for the children than I think their life here looks very stable and happy....

 

As for making a contract...the kids go back and live in Jp on Ir. passports and visas? Her property is put on my name? Serious implications if I did not get to see my kids, but how can you make and enforce such a contract, would it be legally binding?? I don't know, but promising the earth like that makes me think...she is desperate and knows she may not win a Hague case..I don't know. I don't want a Hague case, and she would be living with me while we are both going to court etc. I don't feel right about caving in or giving in either.

 

I was thinking should I send some links about the custody situation in Japan to the Japanese ambassador? ( in Japanese ) he is probably some old fella, I am sure he has an idea but he might not be fully aware of the reality in Jp. Let him know how **** things are! He suggested the contract,

Dear sir, I understand that Japan might one day join the rest of the civilized world in making shared custody a reality for many, however in the unfortunate event of marital breakdown, I hope not to end up like my friends, a, b and c, please advise on said contract and how we could avoid such a situation,

 

Regards...

 

HH, I am barely restraining myself from yelling at you. Just think about this ONE POINT:

YOU HAVE ONLY THEIR WORD FOR IT.

"It" being "a contract with me that would make me feel comfortable." What is such a thing? How binding in Japan? What changes when you are there? What does your lawyer say? I don't trust this.

 

And remember what was just said because she IS a narcissist and nothing she says can be trusted. They will say and do what they must to get what they need.

 

I have to go but this is unbelievable. No. You cannot compromise. You have her where you need her. Now dump her.

[merrmeade]

None of us can advise you legally. We can only question the logic of what you're contemplating in relation to what we know about your interactions with your wife and her interactions with the world both in the past and present.

 

Is it wise for you to agree to this present compromise based on what she's told you the ambassador said? Because he's ambassador means his interest is to protect a citizen of his country first.

How can you trust that such an agreement could not be undone in Jp? Even your lawyer can't know caveats or loopholes in Jp laws.

On what basis is the ambassador helping draw up this agreement? What does he know of your interests and history? Only what she's told him, right? And what is that? How do you know what she told the ambassador? Certainly she didn't give a detailed history of into her infidelity and other atrocious behavior.

 

Don't be so impressed that it's the ambassador. I'm not at all surprised at her bravado. She's resourceful and cunning. She's blindsided you. The shock, awe and intimidation you feel at such a highly placed figure getting involved would work in ger favor.

 

And whatever pleasant memories you have of your life and work there, they can't possibly inclde your marriage.

 

But the bottom line is yours: Is she trustworthy?

[HurtHusband]

My fear is that my wife may win a Hague case because we have not been here long enough ( just over 6 months). People do lose hague cases and the kids are sent back etc.

 

It would be a Jp lawyer who would have to advise me on such a contract not an Irish one. My friend suggested a contract where I have sole custody in Jp and shared or equal custody in this country, now would she agree to that? What would she be willing to agree to? And how in the hell are we suppose to create this miraculous contract, sole custody? You would have to be back in the country to sort those things out...

 

The children are happy here,but they have a dog back in Japan and they want to see their friends there too...if you asked the kids do they want to go back, they would say yes...but they want To go back with mommy and daddy and be a family and are only 6 and 4. A lot of people think the children will belong with their mother...my dad is telling me it won't be 2 months and will drag on...but also he said if the kids want to go back than let them go and she can be back there struggling to work and mind two kids...

[aliveagain]

You need a lawyer in Japan to advise you on your rights and contracts in Japan, ideally one that is a champion for men's rights. Do not go back until you have an iron clad agreement in place with her, you have little to no rights in Japan. Stop thinking with your heart, use your business brain to hammer out an agreement remember, she knows all your buttons and she knows how to push them. Include an infidelity clause that is a deal breaker with financial consequences against her if you divorce because of a new or continued infidelity. Stand up for your rights to your children as well as your rights as a husband. You certainly do not need her cheating as in your life in order to be happy.

[HurtHusband]

folks japan is lightyears behind the civilized world in the areas of child custody. Mutual shared custody does not exist in their law and the old way of separation where one parent gets the kids is so ingrained in the country.

 

 

so in that regard, by fighting a case here, I am standing up for my childrens right to see both parents ( as that right does not exist over there)

 

 

I could post links here where you can see comments from dozens of parents who have spent years battling in the Japanese court system just to be able to spend time with their kids...

 

 

BS'ing her by pretending to need time to craft an agreement..??

If I am in a court come January, I cant afford to be nice to her, I will be painting an ugly picture of a cheating, reckless, mother. Children are not meant to be sent back if they are in danger from physical or psychological abuse. I already have a protection/safety order against her signed by a judge just last week. are they not going to take this into consideration? I have evidence of her infidelity, which I would use to highlight her poor choices as a mother. I have the threats of self harm and the box cutter incident which she admitted to a police officer. The more she blows up, the better it would be for me.

And even her reluctance to engage with social workers or counsellers..

 

 

I spoke to a social worker here last week, actually the school principal drove me there, they were obliged to, once they hear about an incident they are complicit and need to do this...

 

 

so I talk to the social worker and tell her everything, than she wants to check on my wifes mental health and wants to call up and have a cup of tea etc. I mention it to my wife, my wife just said shes not a lawyer so she cant help solve our problems..this is evidence of my wifes reluctance to seek help in stressful situations. why send my kids back to a situation with someone like that...

 

 

holidays will be fine..but I just find it abit weird living with this woman who may be taking me to court in jan to extradite our kids..its just weird...

[merrmeade]

BS'ing her by pretending to need time to craft an agreement..??

If I am in a court come January, I cant afford to be nice to her, I will be painting an ugly picture of a cheating, reckless, mother. Children are not meant to be sent back if they are in danger from physical or psychological abuse. I already have a protection/safety order against her signed by a judge just last week. are they not going to take this into consideration? I have evidence of her infidelity, which I would use to highlight her poor choices as a mother. I have the threats of self harm and the box cutter incident which she admitted to a police officer. The more she blows up, the better it would be for me.

And even her reluctance to engage with social workers or counsellers..

 

I spoke to a social worker here last week, actually the school principal drove me there, they were obliged to, once they hear about an incident they are complicit and need to do this...

 

so I talk to the social worker and tell her everything, than she wants to check on my wifes mental health and wants to call up and have a cup of tea etc. I mention it to my wife, my wife just said shes not a lawyer so she cant help solve our problems..this is evidence of my wifes reluctance to seek help in stressful situations. why send my kids back to a situation with someone like that...

 

holidays will be fine..but I just find it abit weird living with this woman who may be taking me to court in jan to extradite our kids..its just weird...

Whatever Plan this is - C? - it's got my vote and, HH, I think you're getting the hang of the 'C' words crafty, cunning, calculated just fine as well.

[Mz. Pixie]

Checking in on you OP.