So she's probably cheating...

[Tetley]

Hi all, been a while since I posted here. Don't know who to talk to in RL - hope some of you kind folks can hear me out.

 

So couple of days ago I found out my girlfriend of 3 months has been cheating - I'm 90% sure on this. I'm 100% sure she has boundary issues.

 

Bleh - I feel sick to the stomach since I found out two days ago. So far it's been great (I thought). We've both been discussing how we see it being long term, planning future events. She was about to move to the East coast. Said now she's met me she won't. I guess now they were lies? F**K I'm not thinking too clearly right now.

 

So a couple of days ago she was staying with me she got a text message from a guy she works with. I didn't think much of it. I know he fancies her and has been trying to get with her for months. She never gave me cause for concern so I nearly let it go. Curiosty got the better tho.

 

While she was in the shower I took a look. I feel like I've opened Pandora's Box. I admit I broke her privacy and guess it makes me insecure and a snoop. Better that than a stooge I figure.

 

Well there were a bunch of message from this guy - just lame flirty from him. Friendly from her. I can live with that. However I then found message from another guy with the name sorta like 'lover boy steve'. Hit me like a F**K launcher. I didn't get time to take any details - I could here her leaving shower. Just managed to read a couple of messages with kisses on the end. Didn't even catch dates of messages I was shaking from adrenaline - just shut it down ASAP.

 

Haven't told her anything. Haven't been able to anaylse or process this properly as shes been with me for last couple of days. I couldn't sleep at all that night - was just up and down pacing, then took a 3am stroll down to town park (told her I was having belly cramps, need to walk em off. Kinda true). Was just going over and over in my head - a couple of times she been a little cagey with her phone - did she meet him on that trip to her folks? etc. As a result I was badly sleep deprived. I did ask her later the next day if she was happy. She said we should spend more time together, wants a future together.

 

IDK guys. Guess I need to take another look to find the 'smoking gun'. I wish this wasn't happening - I'm in love with this girl. Otherwise I get rid of her in a heart beat. I come back when my mind is a bit clearer, I'm a wreck right now. Thanks for reading.

[DKT3]

Calm down, messages could have been from months ago, before you two were dating. Secondly only 3 months in has there been talk of being exclusive? One can't assume any thing, if you haven't had the conversation then you can't be sure you two are on the same page.

[smackie9]

This proves nothing......investigate further. At the 6 month mark or at the time of the "exclusive" talk discuss boundaries.

[JewelD]

First off, why does this man have her number at all? She knows he likes her, isn't interested and yet has conversations through text with him even though she's in a relationship. And youre okay with this because...?

 

Idk about those steve texts bc you didn't check the dates, but a male coworker texting her about things other than work is inappropriate. Maybe they're not boning, but she probably likes the attention, which is a problem.

 

You're going through her stuff so you obviously didn't trust her in the first place. Probably would be a good idea to end it. If you don't have trust (regardless if she's doing anything or not), the relationship is not going to work. If you confront her and she denies it, you wouldn't believe her anyway and would continue to snoop to make sure. Save yourself the headache.

[Tetley]

Thanks for responses.

 

We are exclusive as of 3 months - when we became bf/gf. We did discuss.

 

We were dating for 6 weeks before this.

 

Yeah have calmed abit now thanks. Helped just to type it out.

[anna121]

I don't think you have enough to convict her.

 

Lame flirty emails from a co-worker would seem to be on him, not her.

 

As for the other msg there just isn't enough information right now.

 

You've definitely opened a Pandora's box. One way to get out of it is to cough up to what you've done and ask her to show you those messages again.

 

Alternatively, you can continue to snoop and take the risk that she will catch you. But even if you find nothing it may not satisfy you, because now the seed has been planted.

 

Are you normally a jealous type of person or does she trigger it more than usual? What caused you to go through her stuff in the first place?

[Toodaloo]

Lots of people use xx at the end of texts these days. Its become the full stop of the 21st century.

 

Relax. At the end of the day its only a couple of months so no great loss if she has and if she hasn't then you are making a fool of yourself getting all wound up.

 

Simple solution. Next time she is in the shower have another look and see what was said and when. Just remember that flirty texts do not equate to someone cheating. So make sure you take the whole thing into its correct context.

 

Until then just relax and go with the flow.

[lolablue17]

Calm down, man... From what you'd described here, there is only the "lover boy Steve" thing. What did you see in the few messages you've managed to read?

 

Because you know, cheating girls usualy don't tag OM as "The guy I'm cheating with" on their phone. "Lover boy" is one of these names that cheating girls will definitely won't choose to be on their phone.

 

I have a feeling that it's nothing, but of course I may be wrong. yet, you have no reason to be convinced that she's cheating. Only a small suspicion which must be fully clarified.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Hits a little too close to home... good luck. Yeah, some women have serious boundary issues.

[BluesPower]

You know you have to confront her at some point. I also think from what you have seen, you have every reason to snoop and figure out what is going on.

 

Does not look real good at least from a boundaries' issue. Good luck to you.

[fromheart]

The other posters have good points, but I will add that she's not closing down the flirty guys. All she has to do is ignore them and not reply at all. Any self respecting man would then stop flirting, and move on to a woman who is more receptive.

 

That suggests that she might be at least keeping back up options open. If that's the case, its up to you if you're happy with that.

 

Don't fall in love too soon man, keep yourself in reserve before giving such a big commitment to another person. You're still getting to know her.

[BluesPower]

Yes FromHeart makes some really good points. The flirting is a real problem even if she has not actually sleep with any of the other guys. And I really hope she has not because that would be a deal breaker.

 

 

It is really kind of disrespectful for a girl that is in a relationship to be doing that.

 

 

Let us know what happens.

[JDPT]

This exact same scenario occurred to me with my ex gf. You really can't sugar coat the crap. I recall confronting my ex about her text messages and she gave me a rather lame excuse. At that point I acknowledged her explanation but knew she couldn't be trusted. Have a conversation about it with her. I personally think that's a good start whether she tells your the truth or not, at least you'll be able to better gauge her reaction and explanation.