MOW - How I ended up in an affair

[wonderingheart]

I know this is going to be long, but I just want to share whats on my mind today. A lot of people focus on the affair itself, and a lot of people have theories and ideas of why/how a married woman can end up in an affair. The MOW is always considered the scum of the earth, the home wrecker, and the whore by many people but sometimes it's not so cut and dry. Sometimes, its just a long chain of events that pushes a woman into doing things she wouldn't otherwise do. Here is my personal story and how I ended up in an affair with a married man.

 

I got married pretty young, I was 25 and a single mother. It made sense. How and why I am still not too sure. He was my perfect guy. He had it together and he loved me. It worked. Until it didn't. Less than 3 months after we got married things just didn't feel right. Something felt off. After some digging into our computer, I found so many different accounts. My heart was broken. There were personal ads, email accounts, video chat accounts, etc etc that my husband was a part of. I was devastated. Further digging would reveal there were many, many women in his life that he was carrying on conversations with. One in particular he had met with and spent the night with. There was so much there that I could not handle it. Needless to say I nearly killed him. I confronted him on everything and then I was the bad guy for snooping. How dare I violate his privacy. He pushed everything back on me, just short of calling me crazy. I had no idea I would spend the next 10 years in a relationship that would be full of pain.

 

As I was struggling to figure out what to do with this man I vowed to love forever, we tossed around the idea of an annulment, divorce, whatever to get out of this marriage and I found out I was pregnant. This changed everything. I chose to stay and try to repair the damage within my marriage and I was pretty sure it worked, and it did. Temporarily.

 

Long story short, I struggled with a husband who could not stay away from woman, exes, female friends, porn, etc. I was constantly finding things and constantly hurting. He emotionally left me and always said it was "how he was" and that he was incapable of being emotionally available. Two kids later I realized I was stuck. I did not have a career, I had no way to support myself and ended up deciding that the financial stability for my children outweighed the poverty we would face if I chose to leave the relationship. Finally after about 8 years I gave up trying. I emotionally left the marriage. I was a lowly housewife with zero self esteem, no friends, and nothing in my life besides my kids and an absent husband who couldn't even wipe a counter or give the kids a bath. If I had only found proof of an actual affair I could have left. I never did.

 

What those years did to me inside, what they did to the core of the woman I was shocked me. One day I woke up and decided I no longer wanted to be that woman. I became friends with an ex from when I was much younger and we talked often. He lifted me back up onto my feet, putting me back into a place of feeling I had value as a woman. I was not just a mom with an absent, emotionally abusive straying husband. I was so much more. I finally felt like I was beautiful, kind, loving, lovable, and amazing. After a few months this man and I realized we were tangled up in an emotional affair and stopped talking. I will be forever grateful for that time and for him coming back into my life. He brought me back to life.

 

I started making friends, started taking care of myself, starting caring ABOUT myself again. Then I met him. The MM who was in a very similar relationship that I was in. It quickly escalated as the desire and passion gripped us both. I never understood how I could get caught up in something so terrible, being that I struggled for years dealing with my husbands "other women" even if I had no proof of any actual affairs.

 

I was that woman.

 

It hit me. All those years of being torn down and ripped apart by him and his actions I had become numb. I didn't feel much, it was the only way I could cope and raise my kids. Suddenly, out of nowhere, here is this man who makes me feel alive. His touch set me on fire. His kiss swept me off my feet. His smile, it melted me in my place. He took my breath away, he reached in and touched my soul in ways I had never experienced.

 

I should have had all these things with my husband, but he did not allow this. He was completely unavailable to me. I was left to my own vices. I am pretty sure ANY man at that point in my life that had shown interest probably would have won me over but that man happened to be a married man as well. I never felt shame, I was genuinely incapable of feeling much because I had been shut down for so long. I was a shell who was soaking up the feelings of being wanted. It heated up so quickly that before I realized what was happening we were both neck deep in something that was inconceivably wrong.

 

He and I would go back and forth for nearly 3 years, wanting, needing, talking, etc. We had sex a couple of times but it was mainly texting. He was with an abusive wife and had no kids. His social status kept him where he was. The thought of disappointing everyone in leaving his marriage kept him where he was. It was hard, on and off over time. Both of us tried to stop but always ended up running into each other, and the feelings would ignite again with an intense fiery passion.

 

He has left his marriage, and I have left mine. We are not currently "together" as we are both trying to find our way out of the tangles of being involved with emotionally abusive spouses for years. Did we leave for each other? No. Was it an exit affair? Maybe. Either way, we both realized (through each other) that our marriages were unhealthy, and whether we end up together or not is left to be determined. We both have baggage and garbage to sort through before either of us can consider trying to grow a healthy relationship whether it be with each other or other people. The affair was simply a light. A way to see that what we WERE in was not the only way to live. There is more fire and passion to be had in life. It was truly the best thing for me. I do not regret the affair, the only regret I have is not getting into a career and leaving my husband sooner.

 

So when you look at the "other woman" please try to understand, its not always so cut and dry. While every story may "look" the same, each woman story is different, every affair has its own tangles and reasons.

 

There is a lot of bashing that happens on here for the women who are simply looking for ways to move on and get over the MM that broke their hearts. It makes me sad to see the shaming that happens. We don't know the circumstances of what led the women here that are seeking support. We don't know the pain that they carry around that led to the arms of another man.

 

Regardless of the bashing I may find from this post, I felt maybe someone somewhere needed to read this. Maybe a few someones somewhere needed to hear this.

 

My affair was a ME problem, and a HIM problem. It wasn't about selfishness, it wasn't about trying to destroy homes. It was because of internal emotional issues, and the need to feel something other than the pain and abandonment we felt in our marriages. Not everyone is fortunate enough (or strong enough!) to be able to walk away, and for that they continue affairs over time because sometimes it just feels really good to feel again. Yes, they should be seeking that in their marriages, but what if the BS does not allow for the WS to ever really feel anything? Just "leaving" is not as simple as it always seems. Yes, leaving IS doable. But its hard, its painful, and it wrecks the very core of who you are regardless of how abusive or unstable or ridiculous the marriage is. It still hurts. It hurts like hell.

[loveisanaction]

Hi wonderingheart, of all the things you said in story this is the one that I respect the most, that you finally divorced your husband.

 

I’m glad you are finally going out and making a life for yourself.

When a married woman has any affair but doesn’t leave her marriage because of lack of an education or work history, i always wonder why instead of finishing school or getting back into the workforce, she instead goes and has an affair.

 

You had an affair because you were starved of love and appreciation. Was it the right way to go? Nope! But I don’t judge you for it. I hope you are able to carve out a successful career for yourself and find love and happiness with a man who doesn’t feel the need to dip his (****) into any woman who has a moving pulse.

 

You are right in saying that affairs are not black and white and that the other woman gets bashed a lot. That’s never going to change because no matter how good the affair feels to the other woman the damage she and her affair partner are causing are long lasting and excruciatingly painful (for everyone involved).

 

Good luck on your new life though, i wish you all the best.

[Chica80]

Thank you for sharing your story. It's easy to tell other people what to do how to live their life etc but no one really knows, until you've been in those shoes.

 

Not all is black and white you are right......good luck on your journey.

[Lobe]

It's great that you and your AP are finding the strength to heal and examine yourselves but I have to disagree with this one line in your post:

 

So when you look at the "other woman" please try to understand, its not always so cut and dry. While every story may "look" the same, each woman story is different, every affair has its own tangles and reasons.

 

Affairs are formulaic. With the exception of APs who do not know they are dating a married man and therefore have no choice, if you knowingly enter an affair, any and all excuses and justifications from the AP and the WS will always boil down to the same boring reason: delusional entitlement. The story is sometimes slightly different, the circumstances vary slightly, and the players have different fantasies inside their respective affair bubbles, but it's as cut and dried as kindling, pretty much every time. The solution? If you're married, divorce your spouse before starting a relationship with someone else. If someone who is married is being openly flirtatious with you, ask them to lose your number until and unless they are divorced. Simple, but not easy apparently lol

 

I wish you luck in unravelling the tangles you have - I've not been an AP before but I have divorced and it's messy and ugly enough without complications. Take care of you.

[kiwishelly2]

Thank you for sharing your story… and I’m so sorry for all the emotional pain you endured through your troubled marriage. You are right when you say that every woman’s story is different but I also believe an affair is never the answer to any problem. Yes it happens, but it is always destructive in some way and to someone. We all make mistakes so shaming people for those mistakes is not the answer. I believe in an amazing God so full of love for us… His love is the answer. I really hope for you that you are seeing a counselor to help you work through all of this and help you come out the other side whole again. I will pray for strength for you and that you come to know the incredible love God has for you! His love is healing to your body and soul.