Wife possibly cheating? Don't know what to do.

[goodg]

Ok, I have been lurking on this site for months. I have read everyone's posts, but I have not commented on anything up to this point. I feel so bad for everyone and the problems everyone has to deal with. I just thought I would post my story and see if anyone has any advice. I am really at a loss for what I am going to do, but I need to make a decision soon on what I want to do.

 

Here is my story:

 

I have been married a little over 7yrs with my Wife. We have 2 kids. Son that is 6yrs old. Daughter that is 3yrs old. My Wife is an Incredible mother! She is an incredible person in every aspect. I love her to death! I can't imagine a life without her.

 

Now here's the "but". I have been very suspicious of her activities as of lately. Back in October 2004, she started to see a personal trainer at the gym where she was working out. The whole reason behind the personal trainer was to help her feel healthier in her life. I was totally in agreement with this. I didn't have a problem with it at all.

 

Since that time she has started spending more and more time at the gym. She started out going every other day. Now she goes about 2 times a day everyday except Sunday. She started having more activities away from the home to places that I don't know or even know the people that are at the activities. Those things started to arouse my suspicions.

 

But, let me explain what happened on Memorial day of this year (May 30, 2005). She started off the morning of Memorial day by going to the gym while me and the kids hung out at home all morning. No biggie, she does that everyday. I didn't think twice about that. When she got home around 12:30 pm, we then all got ready and headed over to her parent's house to have a barbeque and go swimming. We had a great time! Towards the end of the barbeque she tells me that someone I don't know called her and wanted her to come to an activity that night to play the piano for them. (My wife is very musically talented, she plays the piano beautifully) I said that I wish we could spend the rest of the night together as well because I was having a great time and I rarely have a day off to spend it all day with her and the family. She said she already committed and had to do it. (BTW, these were the type of things she constantly had to do. Go out at night to help someone with some activity playing some musical instrument somewhere). Well, I got a little suspicious of the activity. The activity was supposed to by a Singles activity for a church about 20 miles from our home. She was going to be playing some music for them. All the people there were single. But this had happened so frequently lately that I decided that I was going to make sure and find out if that is really where she was going to go.

 

Now, here is where I started becoming a very suspicious and many people will probably think this is bad, but I tracked her that night. I had recently been on a hike with my Brother-In-Law trying to help him map out a trail. I had a GPS device with me on the hike and I still had it in my possession that night. So I put the GPS device in her car before she left for the activity. She left our house around 6pm. She said it should only take a couple of hours and she would be back soon. At about 10pm, I got worried about her and called her cellphone. No answer. I called the cellphone every 15 minutes and never received an answer. I called up until 11:30pm and still no answer. I then called and left a message that I was really, really worried that she was OK and said that I was waking up the kids so that we could come and see if she is OK. Well, she called immediately back after that message and said that she was OK, she was just talking to some girls at the activity and lost track of time. She didn't hear the cellphone because she left it in the car. (She rarely lets that cellphone out of her sight.) She said she was on her way home and that she was sorry that I was worried about her, but it made her feel good to know I worry.

 

Well, when she got home and fell asleep, I got the GPS unit out and checked out her story. The GPS tracked her not to the location of the activity. But showed her leaving our home and going straight to her personal trainer's home. Then it showed her travel to an area that has tons of restaurants and movie theaters (all far away from where the activity was supposed to take place.). Then it showed her travel back to his house and then back to our home. Unfortunately, I am no expert on GPS devices so I do not know when she was at those places, but I know where she was that night. It was not where she said she was.

 

So, I thought, I need more proof of what is going on. So while she was still sleeping I found a KeyLogging program on the Internet and installed it and then went to bed. I never actually slept though because my mind was racing about where she was. I got up the next morning and went to work. I couldn't work very well, but got through the day somehow. When I got home, my wife was at the gym and there was a babysitter watching our kids at our house. I said hi, but immediately went to our computer to see what was on there. I looked and there was an e-mail to him from my wife saying that she had a great time last night. Well, that was it. That was enough proof for me.

 

She came home not too long after that and I let it all out on her. I wasn't very calm and that did not help things, but I showed her how I setup the GPS device and how I tracked her e-mail. I asked her what was going on and she said that she didn't tell me about going to his house because it would make me upset. Obviously! She sent the e-mail because she thought that I was probably tracking her. It was a trap to see if I was tracking her and it worked, is what she said. She said that she went to his house because she had to return some CDs that were from the gym. Well, it appeared to me that she was lying BIG time. We had a huge fight and I ended up apologizing for tracking her and tried to make things more calm and better between us after that.

 

Many things like that happened the following weeks. She would be doing something that I found suspicious and I would track her in some way and she would have some excuse as to why she told me something else from the beginning. I couldn't prove anything and I knew that I wasn't going about it in a good way by showing my hand. But, we had a huge fight about 2 weeks ago and I promised not to track her and trust her completely. Everytime I had caught her doing something or lying she always said it was to trap me, to see if I was tracking her. But I promised not to do that anymore and she promised not to trap me anymore. This was after a long talk and trying to show her I love her and want to be with her.

 

Well, I stopped doing that. I knew it wasn't going to be easy for me to stop having suspicions, so I said that I would need her help to overcome those suspicions. I promised her that I would tell her immediately when I felt anything out of the ordinary and that she should tell me immediately if she thinks I am acting weird or jealous in any way.

 

So, I was doing great for 2 weeks up until last night. Everynight for 2 weeks, her personal trainer has called her cellphone, sometimes more than once each night, but she never answered it. I told her how it made me feel that he calls everynight, but I didn't let it bother me. I trusted her and she told me she wasn't answering because she didn't care at all about him. Great! But last night, we were out buying groceries and he called her cellphone 3 times while we were in the grocery store. This was about 8pm. She never answered so no biggie, it seemed she didn't care. When we got home at about 9pm, she tells me she needed to go find a Black shirt for our daughter because we are having family pictures taken on Sunday. Well, I remembered our promise and told her that it was starting to seem suspicious to me that she was going to go out that late after her personal trainer called several times. She exploded on me! She couldn't believe that I did not trust her and she was livid. I asked her please not to go, but she said that she had so much to do tomorrow that she really need to do it tonight. I asked her not to go again and she just got so mean and angry that I would even ask that. I finally said, FINE, go, do what you nee to. And she said NO, not now. Not knowing that you are going to be upset for me going. Right about that point her cellphone rings again, this is about 10pm and it is the personal trainer calling again. 4 times that night. So she doesn't go, but things are really, really tense between us that whole time.

 

So, the next morning I wake up and try to get ready for work. I get ready and things are tense between us, but it seems a little better. She never left that night, but I know she is mad at me for not being able to leave because I didn't trust her. Well, as I am just about to leave for work I needed a check to pay a bill that day. I had run out of checks and she had some left in her purse. She was getting ready so I said I needed to get a check for the bill and opened her purse. I pulled out her wallet and an envelope fell on the floor at my feet. She ran as fast as she could to grab that envelope, but no luck I was too close. It was addressed to her personal trainer. There was righting on the back that said "Thanks for the help at the gym. I would do anything to make it up to you......hmmmmmm........." Wow, I asked her what was in the envelope. It was definitely a greeting card of some sorts. She tried her hardest to grab it from me, even punched me in the eye on accident trying to get it away from me. But I wanted to know what she wrote inside, so I didn't give it up. She eventually stopped trying to grab it and I ripped it open. The writing inside was congratulating him on something he was doing at the gym. But it went on to say how lucky she was to hang out with such a great person. That he was the "Hottest", "Sexiest", "Cutest butt" ever.

 

So, what is her excuse for the card she wrote. It was a trap for me. Of course, she wanted to see if I was still tracking her after I promised not to 2 weeks earlier and had not the whole time. This was just an accident for me to see it, but she was mad. I didn't say anything, and she started to cry and tell me that it was a mistake for her to write that card as a trap. I told her that I didn't believe anything and that I was sure something was going on with her and the personal trainer. I said that the marriage was over in my eyes. She started to beg me to believe her that she is not doing anything, but was just trying to see if I was tracking her. This was after she promised not to do that just as I promised not to track her and I had been keeping my promise. I just kept telling her that I couldn't believe her and that I didn't know what to believe anymore and that maybe we shouldn't continue with our relationship because it was full of mistrust. I honestly had started to trust and believe things she said to me. I honestly was talking to her the moment I had any thoughts that were untrusting. I only did that twice in the last 2 weeks because I worked hard on not having any bad thoughts or feelings. She started to plead with me if there was something that she could do to make me believe her and show me that it was a HUGE mistake to write that card. So I said I need to think about it. I told her I loved her and wanted to be with her and I left for work saying I need to think about things, but I wasn't sure what to do. It will be hard for me to trust again.

 

So, I am not sure what to do. There is way more to this story than what I have written here. I just wanted to vent this out by writing it down before I explode. Everyone here gives such good advice and I would appreciate any right now. It seems that she is honestly sorry about what happened this morning, but she is adamant that she has not done anything wrong or is doing anything with her personal trainer. The way she says it to me gives me hope and when she says it I actually believe her. But her actions are another thing.

 

So, how does this seem. Am I the most paranoid husband there is?

[shygurl]

First off, I commend you for thinking to use the GPS and for keylogger - you were not wrong to do this in the least. If a spouse is invested in their marriage and they have reason to believe something is up, they have every right in the world to check things out, to find out the truth. You got more than ample proof but sorry to say, you got sucked into her BS lies about her trying to 'trap you'.................come on? How can you even buy that? Why would she think you were tracking her if there was no reason for you to do so?

 

The whole card thing is yet more proof that she's lying to you, right to your face. Of course she's having an affair.........and by the flirtatious note on the envelope, i'd say they're doing more than working out at the gym.

 

Please, do not continue to be naive here..............you have 2 choices: get yourself both into marriage counselling (of course, only if she's wiling to go) and try to save this farce of a marriage, or see an attorney.

 

You have been given more than ample solid proof that she's been having an affair.............................don't be in denial here.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

It is pretty obvious that she is having an affair and playing you for a fool. I guarantee you that if the roles were reversed she would not be putting up with this. There is now a third person in your marriage. My guess is that it is already physical. I would sit her down and tell her she has to quit and find another gym and never see this trainer again and that if she does not then you will see a lawyer.

She is making a total mockery of your marriage. Everytime you catch her she says she was trying to trick you?.....Oh please. I guess when you eventually catch her in bed with this guy she will say it was a setup to catch you? She is totally humiliating and disrespecting you. She is acting like she is single and lying to you and trying to justify it by saying I knew you would be upset. What a bunch of crap.

 

I think you would have to be in serious denial to not realize what is happening.

There is an old saying that applies to your situation: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If you were spending all of your time with a beautiful female trainer behind your wife's back and lying to your wife about it; do you think she would be a doormat? Your wife is a cakewoman who enjoys being married and having a lover on the side. The sad part is that she thinks you are a total idiot and apparently willing to accept all sorts of humiliation and disrepsect to stay in the marriage. Stand up for yourself now because it is clear your wife now has little respect for you or your intelligence. Are you going to wait until she gives you an STD and have her tell you she was testing you?

[Horse]

Man, she must think you are stupid. That's got to be one of the lamest excuses I've ever heard.

 

Uh.. Yeah I was just testing you.

 

I would expect that from a 13 year old, not an adult.

 

 

What will she say when you catch them in the act? "I was just humping him to test you."

 

Even if what she said was true, I would still be pissed. In this case she would be playing some really messed head games, intentionally giving you a reason to be jealouse then getting upset when you do.

 

I don't see how you could tolerate it either way. She is either lying to you or messing with your head.

 

It sounds like she is doing both.

[shygurl]

To add, her response is typical of cheating spouses when they've been clearly busted - they'll quickly make up some lame story about how they KNEW they were being mistrusted and watched (and for no good reason, boo hoo) - that they were just trying to confirm this by setting a trap. My ex husband did this. Things weren't adding up with him, little things. I began to pay close attention. I started checking things out. One obvious sign was that as the weeks went by, there were less and less condoms in the box of them that he kept in his nighttable. It would break my heart to count them. Then one day I counted and there a few MORE in the box - but I was smart enough to have compared the lot # and expiry date on them all...and the additional ones didn't match with the rest/the lot # on the box. I busted him. He laughed. He said he figured I was checking up on him so he just borrowed some from a buddy to screw me up. Believe me, he was cheating. Cheaters will give you all kinds of BS stories to take the focus off of themselves and try to make their spouse feel they were being nothing but stupid and insecure and paranoid.

[bigbuffs]

I think you probably beleived the whole time that more was going on than what she said. Her saying she was setting traps for you is just rediculous. I think you knew that all along, you were just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. You tracking her was not wrong at all, you did what you needed to find out the truth. Don't let her tell you that was wrong of you and don't let her blame you for whats been going on.

 

As far as for saving your marriage goes, it's going to be very hard. She has been lying to you for a long time now and has likely had an affair with this man (at least an emotional affair). If you do decide you want to try and work through this at least two things need to happen. 1. You should start marriage counseling 2. She has to cut off ALL contact with this guy. Even after this it will be hard but you do have children to think about too.

 

Don't let her continue to push you around like she has. Make her work to get you back and get your trust back. You are both going to have to be 100% commited to working through this if you have any chance of saving the marriage. Good luck

[soccorsilly]

I lived through that same deal almost verbatim back in 2000. My wife of almost ten yrs had somehow hooked up with a guy online and visited him wiht the pretense of "needing some space", but there were hints and as I snooped I found my proof--electronic cards on the computer, the innuendo and the facts--all very difficult to deal with.

 

We have three kids and she put her needs and self before them and the family and one time went out to "sort things through" was gone for two days and did ot return when she said she would to the disappointment of the kids.

 

I loved her and did ot want this to fail and I could not think of anything that I could have done to drive her away--but I am sure in her mind there was somethign and I still do not know what it was to this day.

 

I suggested counselling and she went once very begrudgingly and never again. Once I realized that she was so selfish about herself and not caring about the family I saw a lawyer and we filed. I did not leave the house but slept on the couch and ultimately she ended up moving out.

 

I made my discovery in mid June and although I filed the papers in early August, I would have called it all off and taken her back if she was willing p to sometime in September. There was a point where I said there is no turning back and I closed the door.

 

I think you may need to follow a similar track because she is too into herself right now.

 

Now for the good news, our kids are happier (we share custody 50-50) and we are in a decent relationship where we are actually friendly and talk a lot. She is married again (I am not) but not to the guy she cheated on me with. Actually she went through a year to two years of what I will call a slut phase and she would meet guys online and spend weekends with them all the time--Dallas, Atlanta, new York, etc.

 

Keep an eye on how she interracts with your kids mine went off the deep end a few times. One week-old boyfriend (I heard from my 5 yr old daughter) calls her (my daughter) sweetie and sent her some presents for Christmas. So I flipped out there and had her served with a notice that I was seeking full custody because she was endangering the kids exposing them to an internet lover of one week.

 

It is tough..keep your chin up, look out for your kids number one, and you number two. It will get better trust me. The happiest days of my life have been post divorce. My kids are great and they love us both, yet they do sense that I was wronged--but I would never tell them.

 

If you want to talk prvately, yuo can PM me if you like

[Marshbear]

Ask yourself why she is putting you on the defensive when you ask her questions on her behavior and actions? Liars and cheaters will always try to switch their guilt from them to you. If she makes you feel guilty for spying on her then it makes her feel less guilty.

Why is the personal trainer calling her soooo much when she is not at the gym? (3 times at the store, etc). This is signs of an affair. If she doesn't care about him why is he calling and why she is visiting his home ( and lying to you about it ). The GPS in her car should tell you of what is up with your marriage. SHe is trying to have her cake and eat it to. She probably doesn't want to leave you but is having the 7 year itch and wants to feel sexy and wanted by another guy.

You need marriage counseling. Do not believe her lies. If she won't go then you need to for your own sanity.

She obviously sees you as a wimp and someone who she can pull the wool over on. Stand up for your dignity and demand your rights. You are married, She has no right to be lying to you or keeping secrets from you. Only guilty people do this.

 

 

 

What will she say when you catch them in the act? "I was just humping him to test you."

 

Don't fall for it.....

[goodg]

I appreciate all the responses! Yes. I have strongly suspected that she is cheating on me. I even told her that is what I think is going on right now. I told her that this morning and she is very adamant that that is not happening. At this moment, 98% of me does not believe or trust her. The other 2% does.

 

Here is my question though: The responses to this post have been great! Has anyone ever let their spouse read a post like I wrote and the respones to it? Would it be a good idea for me to show her this post and see how others see the same things I do?

 

Thanks for the support it helps a lot!

[shygurl]

Originally posted by goodg

I appreciate all the responses! Yes. I have strongly suspected that she is cheating on me. I even told her that is what I think is going on right now. I told her that this morning and she is very adamant that that is not happening. At this moment, 98% of me does not believe or trust her. The other 2% does.

 

Here is my question though: The responses to this post have been great! Has anyone ever let their spouse read a post like I wrote and the respones to it? Would it be a good idea for me to show her this post and see how others see the same things I do?

 

Thanks for the support it helps a lot!

 

As for whether it would be a good idea to let her read this thread, well...............I'll be curious to see what others think.

 

It might cause her to realize how sharp you are and how those of us reading (who don't know her or you, who are totally unbiased) and supporting you - and therefore cause her to be even more sneaky/conniving/deceitful?

 

Will reading this all hit home with her? Unlikely, at least at first because she's so blinded by her selfishness, lack of integrity and ease with which she can lie to your face and dishonor you that for her to have that "light go off", I think it will take some time because in order for her to face up to what she's doing, that's going to take a lot of soulsearching and I think she's likely too screwed up right now to even want to change the situation.

 

If you do decide to let her read this, hopefully she was realize that none of us responding have anything to gain either way by offering our opinions - but that it's painfully obvious she's full of sh*t and has no qualms about insulting your intelligence and betraying the vows she made to you. She would likely tell you we're just a bunch of stupid jaded strangers on the internet who have no lives and nothing better to do than encourage you to be against her..........well, just be prepared for how she'll twist it all around.

 

Have you ever met her personal trainer? Maybe you should sign up at the same gym, with him - and man to man ask him what it's like to screw your wife - does it make him feel like a big man? Maybe go to his manager and ask them what kind of policy they have there with respect to the hired help screwing around with the clientele.

[bigbuffs]

Originally posted by goodg

Here is my question though: The responses to this post have been great! Has anyone ever let their spouse read a post like I wrote and the respones to it? Would it be a good idea for me to show her this post and see how others see the same things I do?

Thanks for the support it helps a lot!

 

I actually showed my wife some of the responses I got to my post, how others felt the same as me and she got upset. She said it made her feel more attacked. So in my case it did not help. You might want to wait a little bit and see what she says she been up to. Did she say why she been spending so much time or is she still claiming the traping you BS? If she continues to deny anything going on, then you might try to show her some of these responses

[soccorsilly]

A few weeks back there were two threads--one from a guy and another from his wife who discovered it---she posted as I am so and so's wife.

 

I don't thinkk it will do any good venting this jointly in public. You can vent all you like--and it is good, but to do ti together is a recipie for disaster.

 

When we wnet to our one counselling session (and this is like counselling) she accused me of fixing it so the shrink took my side--although he was appointed bythe court.

[goodg]

I wrote such a long post that I did not include enough background information. There is so much to this and it is hard to get it all down.

 

Just recently, my wife became an employee of the gym as well. She is now teaching aerobics there. She continues to see this personal trainer for her own personal training but she also teaches aerobics type classes at the same gym. The only reason that I have not spoken to this guy (whom I have a high hatred for right now) is that she has asked me not to because it would harm her for working there. I have wanted to talk to him more than anything because I think he is the scum of the Earth from what I read goes on in the minds of a personal trainer.

 

I told her I wouldn't pick up the phone when he calls nor would I try to find out information from anyone at the gym. I am not a liar and I will not go back on that. But, oh how do I want to! I think I would get some real answers there.

[moimeme]

No don't show her. Next time she goes out with some bogus story, get a babysitter to watch the kids and go find her at this guy's house. Or hire a PI. Forget talking to people at the gym. They're friends of these two and won't likely tell you the truth.

 

You seem to think that if you confront her somehow that'll change her behaviour. It won't. For whatever reason, she's hooked on this guy but wants to keep you hanging on - maybe because you've seemed dumb enough to believe her stories. Maybe she'll try to soak you dry.

 

Nobody who truly loves a partner would allow someone to come between them. This person who's supposed to be your spouse is out all the time. Now it's fine for partners to have separate interests - but not to the extent that it keeps them from home all the time. She is emotionally divorced from you now and showing her these posts won't do a thing to change that. Tell her that she drops the gym guy and goes to counselling with you immediately or that it'll be divorce. Then follow through - no excuses, explanations, or chances.

[shygurl]

Originally posted by goodg

I wrote such a long post that I did not include enough background information. There is so much to this and it is hard to get it all down.

 

Just recently, my wife became an employee of the gym as well. She is now teaching aerobics there. She continues to see this personal trainer for her own personal training but she also teaches aerobics type classes at the same gym. The only reason that I have not spoken to this guy (whom I have a high hatred for right now) is that she has asked me not to because it would harm her for working there. I have wanted to talk to him more than anything because I think he is the scum of the Earth from what I read goes on in the minds of a personal trainer.

 

I told her I wouldn't pick up the phone when he calls nor would I try to find out information from anyone at the gym. I am not a liar and I will not go back on that. But, oh how do I want to! I think I would get some real answers there.

 

Well how mighty convenient for her and loverboy - now she works at the same place and can see him all day, and then she can bugger off in the evenings and see him, too. Surely there are other places of employment, other gyms she could teach aerobics at if she's so inclined to do this. You need to put your foot down as the husband here..........and lay out the boundaries. That if she wants this marriage to work, she has to quit her job - out of respect for you and your family - and find somewhere else to work, ASAP ...........and she must not have any further contact with him of any kind for if she does, she is out the door. You have no hope in hell of getting this sorted out if she's able to see him each day. You have every single right to command her to quit her job - it's not about you being some controlling SOB - it's about you fighting for your marriage and your self respect.

 

Gee, how convenient of her to ask you not to speak to him - yeah, 'cause she's sooooo concerned about her job. Uh huh. There's a good chance he doesn't even know she's married? and she doesn't want you to spoil her little fantasyfling.

 

Hire a PI. They can get the goods on her, the real undisputed goods................stuff she can't try to talk/lie her way out of.

[New_Wife]

Oh man, that sucks so bad! I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

If you had found that she'd gone to the mall, or to the cheesecake store when she was supposed to be on a diet - that might be funny. But to some guy's place? No way.

 

Reverse the situation. Why on earth would you go to some woman's place in the dead of night w/o your wife? When you said you were going to (Lord may smite her directly for this one) church? TO CHURCH???? Holy Crap? Can you get any lower than using The Almighty as your affair cover?

 

What more proof do you need, exactly? Really now. If you had just recently gotten a job in the same place as someone who was clearly interfering with your marraige, and your wife felt the way you do - what would you do? Is she loving? honoring? cherishing you with these moves?

 

You know the answers, you just don't want them to be true. We've all done that. The question is - what do you want to teach your kids - by example - is an okay way to let folks treat you?

[Marshbear]

Originally posted by goodg

Just recently, my wife became an employee of the gym as well. She is now teaching aerobics there. She continues to see this personal trainer for her own personal training but she also teaches aerobics type classes at the same gym. The only reason that I have not spoken to this guy (whom I have a high hatred for right now) is that she has asked me not to because it would harm her for working there. I have wanted to talk to him more than anything because I think he is the scum of the Earth from what I read goes on in the minds of a personal trainer.

 

I told her I wouldn't pick up the phone when he calls nor would I try to find out information from anyone at the gym. I am not a liar and I will not go back on that. But, oh how do I want to! I think I would get some real answers there.

 

So now she has reason to be with him and you have tied your hands by not interfering with her "job". You should not just blame the guy for being the "scum of the earth" but your wife has a huge amount of her own blame. I think you are being way to easy on her and need to tell her exactly what the rules are if your marriage has any chance. I also would not let her read these posts as it would solve nothing. Counseling and stop seeing him ( and quitting her job ) are the only ways to move forward.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

You can't be serious. She now works at this place and she does not want you to talk to him because it may make it uncomfortable for her? Oh please.... I am sorry my friend but clearly you have now become a doormat. I would certainly have your wife end the employment. I would contact the guy and tell him there will be major repercussions in his life if there is any contact. Sitting back allowing this and not doing anything about it is simply ridiculous. It is clear that your wife has very little respect for you because she knows you apparently accept all of this humiliation and allow it to continue without consequences. I can now understand why your wife has no respect for you or your feelings and that is because apparently you have very little little respect for yourself as well. You do not even have the backbone to talk the guy who is probably screwing your wife because it would make it uncomfortable where she works. Don't you see how pathetic and sad this is and this is exactly how your wife views you. You are losing your wife and your marriage and all you are doing is taking notes. What is wrong with this picture?

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by goodg

I told her I wouldn't pick up the phone when he calls nor would I try to find out information from anyone at the gym. I am not a liar and I will not go back on that. But, oh how do I want to! I think I would get some real answers there.

 

Well, that's bizarre.

 

You agreed to not call the guy. Fine. Don't call him.

 

Why not do this instead....? Tell her to quit the gym, and NEVER to contact this person again. It's not as if she can make demands from a position of innocence at this time. She's in the wrong. You're in the driver's seat. YOU make the demands.

 

She's been lying to you. She's allowed an interloper between the two of you. You have the absolute right to set personal boundaries in regards to what behaviors are acceptable in your marriage. You have a right to draw the line at what you can tolerate and still be willing to remain her husband.

 

Insist on NO CONTACT whatsoever. Let her know that you will complain to the management of the gym where this personal trainer works if you hear anything to the contrary. Let her know that you'll make it your personal business to make certain that the word is out on this guy. It'll make it VERY difficult for him to find a job anywhere else in your town.

 

If she does contact him again....EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE. Tell anyone who has influence on the affair partners, (but consider very carefully what information you allow to be heard by extended family members and friends). Who knows? Mr. Personal Trainer might have a wife at home who would be very interested in hearing about this?

 

Oh, and see a divorce lawyer at your earliest opportunity. You needn't file for divorce at this time, but you'll feel ALOT better if you have a solid understanding of what your options are. It'll help to ease the anxiety of imagining the 'worst case scenario'. She doesn't have to know about that. Afterall, she apparently doesn't tell YOU everything either.

[Michael86]

I'm sorry she's doing this to you. There's nothing I can say that hasn't been said here already. There's not doubt in my mind she's having an affair with this piece of garbage. What you need is undisputable proof. Not for you because you already know what's going on. You need something to shove in her face that she can't get out of. Hiring a PI is a great idea. She needs to be exposed for the liar she is. Until you get that proof, don't confront her anymore. Don't even mention it. This will make her think that you believe her and that you're over it.

 

As far as letting her read this thread, a small part of me says yes, let her. I for one, would love to tell her what I think. But I don't think it will do you any good and will probably make things worse. So no, don't let her read it.

 

Another thing.....you say she's an incredible mother. Her actions tell me she's anything but. She's destroying your family and the kids will suffer for it.

 

Good Luck.

[Craig]

Sorry to hear about your situation, I agree with most of the posters above. On showing this thread to your wife, don't. And don't tell her how you are tracking her it'll just give her ways to cover her tracks.

 

As if you didn't need anymore proof that your wife is having an affair here is something else you can do. Google "semen detection" and you'll find kits you can buy to test her panties for semen. If you want to be absolutely sure that the semen isn't yours you can get the semen's DNA analyzed.

 

As far as keeping your word to the person you find yourself married to just forget it. Do what you have to do to protect yourself and get yourself to a divorce attorney now so you don't get caught off guard by the person you are married to. A real wife wouldn't do those things to you, your children and your marriage.

[Pecan]

Do your kid notices that there is a problem in the home? and if so, what do you tell them?

[Sal Paradise]

A few thoughts......

 

Yes she is cheating, even if it isn't physical (which I'm sure it is) it is emotional. If she wasn't she would have no reason to lie about it. The old "trying to catch you spying" excuse is as old as infidelity itself. Don't believe it or anything else she says for a second. She is in the fog and she is like a wounded animal, she will do anything to survive. Notice how she begs the minute you mention the relationship may be over. She wants you and him. She wants her cake and to eat it too.

 

There are a couple ways to handle this....

 

1) You could get a P.I. or a friend to get pictures of them out and about. And then confront her with photo evidence and see if she comes clean. That may not do it though. Some cheaters will deny until they're forced to tell the truth (divorce papers or being thrown out of the house).

 

2) You can tell her to leave the gym and cut off all contact with OM. And she has to admit everything, go into counselling with you or the marriage is over.

 

3) You can throw her out of the house now. Even if you'd like to work on the relationship this method is very effective at getting the cheater to come clean. If she knows you will divorce her and leave her if she doesn't admit to it, stop it, cut the gym and him out of her life, and work with you to fix the marriage; she will be forced to decide what she wants. If you allow her to continue to lie with no real consequences nothing will change. Merely threatening to throw her out isn't enough. You need to actually do it. Let her also know you will pursue full custody. Does she have a job? If not it will be easier to get full custody, especially considering she cheated. Making her realize there are consequences for her actions is the key, threats won't do that, you taking action will. She will never change as long as you allow her to have it both ways. Putting this off and waiting to see if things work out on there own will just delay the inevitable.

 

You have the power right now. Use it. You did nothing wrong by spying, she forced you to do it. You're not paranoid. Do not allow her BS excuses to cloud your judgement. Don't merely believe what you want to believe. Ignoring it will not make it go away. Take control before she causes more pain for you and your kids. She is being a horrible wife and a horrible mother. What kind of example is this for your kids? It will effect your kids if you allow it to continue. Kids are extremely perceptive even at a young age. Be strong for them. Don't stay with her for them, that isn't what they need. They need two happy parents, you can't be happy in a relationship like this. You must take control and do it as soon as possible. If you two can work things out great, if not move on and find a better woman.

[Michael86]

Originally posted by Sal Paradise

A few thoughts......

 

Yes she is cheating, even if it isn't physical (which I'm sure it is) it is emotional. If she wasn't she would have no reason to lie about it. The old "trying to catch you spying" excuse is as old as infidelity itself. Don't believe it or anything else she says for a second. She is in the fog and she is like a wounded animal, she will do anything to survive. Notice how she begs the minute you mention the relationship may be over. She wants you and him. She wants her cake and to eat it too.

 

There are a couple ways to handle this....

 

1) You could get a P.I. or a friend to get pictures of them out and about. And then confront her with photo evidence and see if she comes clean. That may not do it though. Some cheaters will deny until they're forced to tell the truth (divorce papers or being thrown out of the house).

 

2) You can tell her to leave the gym and cut off all contact with OM. And she has to admit everything, go into counselling with you or the marriage is over.

 

3) You can throw her out of the house now. Even if you'd like to work on the relationship this method is very effective at getting the cheater to come clean. If she knows you will divorce her and leave her if she doesn't admit to it, stop it, cut the gym and him out of her life, and work with you to fix the marriage; she will be forced to decide what she wants. If you allow her to continue to lie with no real consequences nothing will change. Merely threatening to throw her out isn't enough. You need to actually do it. Let her also know you will pursue full custody. Does she have a job? If not it will be easier to get full custody, especially considering she cheated. Making her realize there are consequences for her actions is the key, threats won't do that, you taking action will. She will never change as long as you allow her to have it both ways. Putting this off and waiting to see if things work out on there own will just delay the inevitable.

 

You have the power right now. Use it. You did nothing wrong by spying, she forced you to do it. You're not paranoid. Do not allow her BS excuses to cloud your judgement. Don't merely believe what you want to believe. Ignoring it will not make it go away. Take control before she causes more pain for you and your kids. She is being a horrible wife and a horrible mother. What kind of example is this for your kids? It will effect your kids if you allow it to continue. Kids are extremely perceptive even at a young age. Be strong for them. Don't stay with her for them, that isn't what they need. They need two happy parents, you can't be happy in a relationship like this. You must take control and do it as soon as possible. If you two can work things out great, if not move on and find a better woman.

 

Excellent post.

[reservoirdog1]

Dude, she is so full of s*** she stinks.

 

I implore you... PLEASE do not fall for it. She is trying to get you to switch off your common sense. She did NOT put that card in her purse to "trap" you. That is complete and utter crap.

 

I went through something similar with my serial cheating ex-wife. The only difference being I was too stupid to see the truth for what it was and I fell for her bulls***.

 

About a year and a half before the roof fell in, I was home one evening while she was out. I was using the computer. I found some links to philanderers.com and to an email account I didn't know about. When she got home that night (very late), I confronted her.

 

She told me that she had set up that email account to bait me, because she was worried that I was cheating on HER. I didn't buy that. I told her to look me in the eye and tell me if she had ever been unfaithful to me. She looked me in the eye and lied to my face. But I swallowed it. To this day, I kick myself that I was so stupid, naive and blind. What was particularly amazing in retrospect was that, in her effort to explain it away, she succeeded in making ME feel bad and guilty. It was only a year and a half later that I learned that she was a serial cheat.

 

Consider yourself warned.