6 months and time isn't healing, my story...

[mn12bird]

First time posting, I appreciate in advance anyone taking the time to read my story and offer any advice. Thank you.

 

I am 36 years old and have only had one actual 'relationship' my entire life which ended this past January. I've dated a few girls here and there very sparsely, but nothing I would actually call a relationship and a 'girlfriend'. I'm very shy and have had problems with depression and self esteem my entire life that I've gotten much better with as well as ongoing health issues including something that can affect sex life...so I just haven't dated much. I feel I'm a decent enough guy, I have a masters degree, I DJ and do photography on the side for fun and extra coin, I'm an alright guy I suppose.

 

So last year I finally gave in and joined Match and went on a few absolutely horrific dates (seriously, they were worthy of a Late Night talk show segment) before somehow coming across an amazingly pretty girl we'll call E. She lived about 45 minutes away, but it wasn't a big deal. So we messaged for a bit before I asked her to dinner, we went on our first date, it went very well, we kissed and in that kiss I felt something I had only felt one other time in my life...the only other girl I'd loved some 18+ years ago. I was smitten from the start. Our 3rd date confirmed to me that she was indeed going to be special.

 

We hit a road bump very early on the first time we tried to have sex. Yes I have a medical issue that can affect things, but I think I was just nervous more than anything due to my inexperience and couldn't perform. She damn near kicked me out of her house and was obviously unhappy. Two days later I had a "I have to go see about a girl" moment and left my work to go talk to her. I told her about my medical issues and what to expect, she says sex has been a problem for her in the past and she swore she wouldn't get in a relationship where sex was an issue ever again. "I want to have sex when I want to have sex!" is what she said. By the end of the evening and us talking she was totally fine with it all and grabbed me to kiss me. And things went smoothly from there, we only saw eachother on the weekends due to our different schedules and that we didn't live in the same city, but everytime we got together it was so fun and effortless.

 

We had so much in common it was crazy. We loved watching movies and going to the theater, we enjoyed the same shows, we got the same humor, we liked the same comedians, we were both into music and played instruments and did shows, we were both into food and trying out new restaurants and old favorites, we're both a bit socially awkward, we were both willing to compromise on things, we both had 2 siblings, our parents were both still married, our parents were very similar in alot of aspects, and on and on and on.

 

She was always going out of her way to do things for me...I mentioned her hallway was pitch black at night, next time I come over she had bought a nightlight for the hallway so I could see. Her pillows were hard and not what I was used to, next time I come over she had bought new softer pillows for me. I was sick one week and had to run out to get Kleenex in the middle of the night and she said I should've called her and she would've brought me some. She would've brought me a box of Kleenex, in the middle of the night, from a town 45 minutes away, on a weekday?! She was sending tons of signals like these that she was maybe in love too, or at least that's what I thought.

 

About 3 months in and we have Thanksgiving together, morning at her parents house, evening at my parents. And that was the first Thanksgiving I had ever spent with a girlfriend. After a really fun day we finally get back to my place, we're laying in bed talking and I'm looking in her eyes...and it comes out. I say 'I love you'. And her reaction was not what I expected because I truly thought she was almost waiting for me to say it first...she immediately drew back and said "WHOA! I am not ready to say that yet!". So I apparently scared her despite her sending so many signals that she was maybe in love too. I never said it again and didn't want to pressure her or push her. I just left that be.

 

CHRISTMAS

 

Things continued to be great after that and she continued to do things for me like going to see Star Wars not once but twice when she doesn't even like those movies. We had an amazing Christmas time together, every weekend leading up to Christmas we did different Christmas dates. Christmas Day was good but I felt I had a few missteps. Again, it was my first Christmas with a girlfriend ever. I got through Thanksgiving fine but somehow Christmas was different, I was a bit nervous so some things just didn't come out quite right. E had a very good fashion sense and would always look amazing, yet I was critical of the outfit she chose to wear to Christmas. So much so that she changed before we left her house. I immediately regretted it and apologized but I don't think she was too happy about it all and overheard her talking to her mom about what I said about her outfit during the day. That was the 1 and only moment in our relationship that I wasn't 110% supportive and encouraging and complimentary of her, and I felt awful for it. When we left her parents house to head out to my parents, I thanked her parents for their hospitality, the food, and their gracious gifts to me that I was not expecting at all (they got me a few presents and I wasn't expecting anything at all, it threw me off a bit) so I went to shake her Dad's hand...and he left me hanging. He acted like he didn't see it. I had my hand outstretched for a good 3-5 seconds before E's sister went "Daaaaddd...." and he then acted like he just saw my hand and shook it. It was...odd. He was looking around so it is definitely possible that he did actually just not see me go for a handshake, but most likely he saw it and chose to leave me hanging. I don't think her parents liked me for whatever reason.

 

NYE

 

New Year's Eve was the first sign of trouble for me. I had to work doing photos for an event until about 11pm that night and met up with her at her friend's party after that. This was the first time since we met that I actually hung out with her friends which maybe that was a warning sign in of itself. I had met 2 of them previously a couple of times but we never did anything or hung out. I will say that I don't think she really had many friends, we are both socially awkward (her way more so than me, more on that later) so I'm not sure she had too many friends for me to meet. So I took the opportunity to get to know them better and had a really fun time and was enjoying the night. But then suddenly E was puke drunk. I don't know how or why, but she was suddenly puke drunk. I drove us back to my place where she got sick and passed out on my bed. And you feel so helpless when someone gets puke drunk, there's nothing you can do other than just be there and get her a bottled water, hold her hair back, kiss her forehead and tuck her in so she gets uninterrupted rest. But it was so out of character for her to get drunk let-alone puke drunk it made me wonder if something was wrong. And only a week before she was doing things like wanting to see more of me and showing up 30 minutes early to come see me out of excitement. What changed in that week??? I can only guess that Christmas Day was when things changed for her.

 

And then she was different in January. When she used to ask me about how my DJ gig went or even go to the gig for a bit (they were late and she didn't need to go to them but she did for a bit usually), she suddenly didn't even ask about them. And one of her Christmas presents to me was even a really cool handcart to help move my gear with and she didn't even ask how it was the first time I got to use it. We were getting ready to have sex in her bedroom one night and it was pitch black, you literally felt like a blind person if we didn't have a candle lit or something. I was fumbling around because I could not see and finally said that I want to be able to see her during sex and she said "If it were up to me it would always be pitch black". I asked why and she would not answer.

 

VACATION

 

Sometime in December or even November I had mentioned that some friends of mine were taking a trip to Las Vegas and maybe we'd like to go. She was the one that chose to go. She booked our flight, she booked our hotel, she seemed totally into it. I was excited, she seemed excited. She was researching things to do, restaurants to go to before our Cirque show we booked, was playing an app trying to get discounts on things and so on. She definitely seemed into the trip. But the trip was in mid-January, and the previous two weeks since NYE she had shown signs of being off as mentioned.

 

We get to Vegas and go to dinner that night with everyone on the trip, 3 other couples. She doesn't say nearly a word. One of my friends sitting next to her at dinner continually tried to bring her into the conversation and she basically refused just giving him one word answers. They had similar jobs, he offered stories of me from college, they had things to talk about for sure...but nothing. He eventually gave up on trying to talk to her. It was an amazing dinner, so much fun yet she was so incredibly distant and she was smiling and everything but she just would not engage with anyone. We went out afterwards and she was so uptight and stiff as a board. Everyone was playing craps and I put my arms around her to hug her and she was like a statue. She commented as we went back to our room that night that she didn't feel like she was doing a good job of fitting in to which I said she was doing fine and tried to make her feel good. Again, she is very socially awkward and anytime she met my friends or my family she wouldn't say barely a single word.

 

The next day we spent seeing the sights, shopping including at Victoria's Secret where she was asking what I'd like to see her in and she was going to buy something I liked but they didn't have it in her size, we had a nice dinner, saw a Cirque show, watched the Bellagio fountains, got some great gelato...it was a really fun day together. We get back to the room and I try to start undressing her by pushing her bra straps off her shoulders and what not...and she puts them back on her shoulders. I was like wtf...we just had an amazing fun day together, and you don't want to have sex?! I didn't say that, I just sat there confused. She says she's tired and I should go out with all my friends. So she goes to bed and I go back out to meet up with everyone else.

 

The next day we get up early and hit a buffet, we see some more sights and do some really fun things like the Coca Cola store's thing where you can taste sodas from all over the world. It was another fun day...until it wasn't. She shut off, just completely shut off around mid-afternoon. I had an absent minded moment where we had planned on getting a table outside at a restaurant so we could people watch but I was so tired from getting maybe 3 hours a sleep a night for multiple nights in a row that I just didn't even think about asking for a table outside. So they sat us inside and I was like whatever. E reminded me that we wanted a table outside and I went "Duh, what was I thinking, let's move outside" but she then refused and we just stayed inside. And she shut off from there. She would not say a word to me. We get through a terrible meal because she's now in a horrible mood, she doesn't say a word to me all the way back to our room, we get there and she complains that she could be at home with her cat right now instead of here in Vegas and such, she was in a horrible, horrible mood.

 

There was precedence for this having nothing to do with me, though. She took a vacation with friends of hers to Mexico in November and by the 3rd day of her 5 day trip she was messaging me that she just wanted to go home, she'd like to come back but not with these people (who were her friends, don't get that one), she missed her cat and so on. Think she got home sick really easily.

 

So at that time, my friends text me that they're at the MGM and are up, way up on gambling (I'm talking 10 G's up) and have shots of expensive tequila waiting for me and E so I say we'll be over. And I can't get E out of bed. She is sulking like a child and would not do anything. 45 minutes later and my friends are texting me back asking where we are. E eventually begrudgingly gets out of bed and complains as she gets dressed about going to the MGM and how we'll just stand around with no plan for dinner and this and that. She was being so negative about everything. It was so bad that I decided to not go to the MGM because she really, really did not want to seem to go there. Instead we did the ferris wheel because that was something we had talked about doing earlier. She didn't say a word the entire walk over there, she sat and stared the wrong direction for the start of the ferris wheel ride until I more-or-less picked her up and tried to get her having fun.

 

By the end of the ride, she seemed to have come out of her godawful mood a bit. She was talking again a bit and seemed to be coming around. We walked over to the Bellagio and saw the fountain show, we went and got some gelato...and she shut off again. She had some passive aggressive quips about my work, she looked at me like she was absolutely disgusted with me, and she shut off again for basically the rest of the trip. We left for home early that next morning and upon arriving home she was mad that she had to drive me home instead of her just heading home from the airport. I think she wanted me to take an Uber home from the airport. She was so mad at me. And again, it wasn't a perfect trip. I should've planned it out a bit better but I was so excited that she was coming that I kinda forgot to. But we were still having a fun time. Until she just shut off, because I didn't get us a table outside at a restaurant. Looking back that is a bit ridiculous if that's what set her off. That is such a small thing, and I tried to fix it immediately...but she refused and pouted instead. I can only guess that something was building up with her and that was the final straw? Not sure.

 

AFTERMATH

 

The next weekend we were supposed to have dinner with two friends of hers and I was really excited to finally have a dinner with some of her friends. I get to her house and she says they cancelled. Something tells me E cancelled, not them. We have a nice relaxing weekend together watching shows and what not but I could tell she was still off. I tried talking to her about our Vegas trip so we could recognize the positives, learn from the negatives and move on together but she refused to talk about it and basically gave me the silent treatment on that subject which was par for the course for her. If I really tried talking to her about things, my job, our sex life, Vegas...she would more or less just sit and stare at me and not say a single word. She was making future plans though that weekend which is what threw me off. She talked about wanting us to go to the zoo for a date, she wanted me to start bringing my laundry with to do at her house and some other things so it's not like I thought she was just going to break up with me...

 

The following weekend she broke up with me. But it's the way she did it that is so odd. She gets into town and has an overnight bag so she's obviously staying the night as always. She was in a horrible, horrible mood. So negative about absolutely everything. After struggling with her mood for most of the day she finally comes out of it a bit, but like Vegas she went right back into it. She goes to bed angry at me for who knows what reason. She broke up with in the morning after a very odd sexual exchange where she pushed me away saying she was cramping among other things. And she said some confusing things when she broke up with me :

 

* She started off by saying how I told her I loved her, but she just doesn't love me back. And she never will. She said that with such disgust emphasizing the never. She said I did nothing wrong, I treated her better than anyone has her entire life, but it was just one of those cosmic things. She said she had a voice in the back of head telling her that I wasn't right and she eventually decided to break it off. She tried to fight it off saying 'I've got this amazing guy right in front of me' but eventually that voice in her head won out she said.

 

* I asked how long this had been going on and she said only the previous weekend. Something tells me it was longer ago than that. She said we didn't have any plans that weekend and she wasn't as excited to see me as she should be. But we did have plans to go eat with your friends, plans that I'm guessing she cancelled and not them.

 

* She said she didn't mean to lead me on with the things she was doing for me all the time. Well, you did. Hell, even Google "ways to tell" or "ways of saying it without saying it" and she checked nearly every box.

 

* She talked about all the things we had in common and then got angry and said "Do you know how hard that is to find?!" Well then why are you just breaking up with me then?! Without even talking about anything? Whatever her issue was, she apparently thought it was so broken it wasn't even worth talking about.

 

* She said at one point "I wish you were more selfish! And you have all these great friends that you would do anything for...". I don't get that. More selfish how? And is being unselfish a bad thing? Is having great friends that I'm loyal to a bad thing? Or did she not like all my friends, or was she intimidated by them for some reason? I have no idea what she meant by those things.

 

* The real kicker was my question about her previous relationships. Throughout our relationship she would mention her ex's with regards to damn near everything. My ex wouldn't go in here, my ex hated shopping there, my ex would do this, my ex would do that, my ex my ex my ex. And there were 2 main ex's that she had talked about with me, both of whom did nothing but lie to her and cheat on her. So I tried to ask one question with regards to that and I didn't even finish my question before she exploded "DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT MY EX'S EVER!!!". Uhh, what in the hell?! It's like she was defending guys that lied to her and cheated on her to the honest, nice and loving guy right in front of her. I was confused as all hell.

 

At the start of her breaking up with me she was crying her eyes out. I don't think she even wanted to give me a chance to talk, she was just going to walk out before I stopped her asking her to sit down so we could talk. I was so confused and emotional I didn't get everything across quite right I'm sure. She eventually got up and didn't seem to care at all anymore. She even grabbed one of her Ziploc containers she gave me food in saying "this is mine, right?" and put it in her back. Because that's what was important, not her breaking my heart but she needed to make sure to get the Ziploc container back. It was so ice cold. When she said goodbye, it was so final. It was GOODBYE. She walked away with her completely dead expression face, got in her car slowly and calmly and drove off.

 

OTHER OBSERVATIONS

 

* It was like she was terrified of touching me our entire relationship. A hug from her was her sort of touching her hand to my back a bit, then pulling it away. That was it. We would lay naked in bed and I would run my fingers up and down her body and her skin, in turn she would treat it as if she was reaching out to touch a poisonous snake or something. She was terrified of touching me and almost would not do it. The most I ever got out of her was her twiddling my body hair in her fingers. That's it. Yet we held hands everywhere we went.

 

* She took the notion of Dead Fish to a new level. She was like a statue. Trying to get sex going she would do nothing, absolutely nothing. She would lie there completely motionless, not moving a muscle, stiff as a board, like a statue. I remember once I literally had to pry her arms up and lift them away from her jeans like dead weight. It was beyond weird. And again she wouldn't touch me during any of this or reach out to undress me or anything...she'd just lay there or stand there motionless. I know a huge part of any issues we had in our sex life was my inexperience and just being nervous that I wasn't going to be good enough and I accept that I have some insecurities there because I haven't had much sex in my life, but her behavior didn't exactly help with her not touching me, not moving a muscle or doing anything. And again she had complained early on in our relationship that in her past relationships sex has been an issue and it hit me later that the only common denominator in all of that is her.

 

* she rarely, rarely ever texted me. That despite complaining early on in our relationship that I wasn't texting her enough, to which I said I was mirroring her and didn't want to bombard her with texts when she wasn't texting me at all (her first text that she initiated to me was probably over a month and a half into our relationship. I was shocked when I got it...my girlfriend actually texted me! Somehow that probably shouldn't be something that's so exciting, it should be more routine). But in hanging out every weekend her phone hardly ever buzzed so maybe that was just her, and again she didn't seem to really have all that many friends and didn't text anyone else hardly either. It's not like her phone was blowing up all the time but she didn't text me ever, I don't think she texted or talked to anyone all that much.

 

* one of my friends on the Vegas trip said trying to talk to her was like a job interview. If you asked her a direct question, she'd answer. And that was it. No follow up. No conversation or questions in return. Nothing. And after he said that I realized alot of our dates were like that. It was 110% on me to keep things going because she wouldn't offer any conversation, she would answer any direct question or anecdote and that was literally it. It could be extremely difficult talking with her to say the least. But when we were alone, we'd talk freely and her personality would shine through and it would be awesome. It was so...odd. The ying and yang of it.

 

* She seemed to close me off and push me away at every single corner. She plays 2 musical instruments and I always wanted to hear her play, but she wouldn't let me. I heard her play piano one time around Xmas, I got out of the shower and heard her playing so I went out to listen but when she noticed me standing there she stopped immediately and gave me a look of total disgust. Okay then. She wouldn't let me help her with anything. We went out and she bought a new bed for herself so one weekend before its arrival we needed to move the old bed out which she started on her own without telling me. I see her doing it and went "why didn't you tell me you wanted to do this now" so I got in there and helped and got it moved and afterwards tried to give her the "yeah we did it!" hug to which she barely reciprocated and then looked almost mad at me for helping out.

 

BOTTOM LINE

 

I fell in love with this girl. I am still in love with her. It's been 6 months since she left and I still think about her the entire day and night. We have had only one text since she left - she had got me into the Harry Potter movies and we only had one left to watch. I watched the last one on my own and sent her a text saying I knew something was going to happen all along, she texted me back immediately saying she was so glad I got to see it. And that's been it. No contact at all other than that. And I have no idea what she's doing because I quit Facebook after the breakup, I didn't want to see what she's doing. I do know through a roundabout way that she is suprisingly still friends with me on there.

 

They say the key to possibly reconciling and getting back together is understanding why you really broke up. She said it was because she didn't love me, but I doubt that was the real reason.

 

* my inexperience with relationships and complete inexperience with love and the mistakes I made due to that

 

* she was frustrated with my job and felt like I was dragging my feet to not move on when that was not the case. I also think she misunderstood my intentions for my career, judging by what she said when she left she seemed to think that I was trying to be a big time DJ or something but that was all something I just did for fun, I wasn't making a career out of it.

 

* our sex life needed a bit of work to get it where we wanted but all that would take is just talking about it and then working on it together, but we never did.

 

* along those lines, communication. She damn near refused to talk to me about anything.

 

* Christmas Day - something tells me it was the day something changed with her. Everything leading up to Christmas was amazing, there were a few miscues that day, she seemed different afterwards starting with getting puke drunk on New Year's.

 

She is the only true relationship I've ever had and I made mistakes due it being new to me, and we had damn near everything going for us. But I feel more than anything I screwed things up with my inexperience and being scared and being too afraid of rocking the boat by really forcing a conversation about our sex life for example. And I am having a horrible time forgiving myself for screwing up the best thing that's ever happened to me. I've been depressed ever since the breakup and it's just getting worse and worse the longer it goes on. Time isn't healing, it's making it worse. I just don't know what to do, I miss her so much. Should I reach out to her somehow and see if we can talk, or what. I have no idea.

[jen1447]

This is really really long. No offense but if you want ppl to get involved in the discussion and offer some input you should try to drastically condense the main points. I think most ppl take a pass on a thread when they see they'll be reading for a long time.

[mn12bird]

jen1447 - I understand. I don't know how to just condense it to main points without getting everything across, there'll be so much missing info and gaps. I'll see if I can, though.