Do I meet my ex or not? (a year post bk/up)

[Silver_star]

Its been nearly a year since the split with my last serious boyfriend. We were doing Long distance at the time, and we broke up in person but it was one-sided. He was going through some things and wanted to date someone else and seemed "confused" about feelings. We had a weird non-goodbye at the airport where it felt like we would see each other soon, or talk it out. We talked online for months before I think we finally started letting go of the communication/expectations. Now we rarely communicate, and when we do its small talk, maybe once a month by direct message.

 

 

So I let him go, and I had some hurdles to deal with accepting that he is gone. He dated the other girl for 8-9 months and he may be dating again I have no idea. I have dated but nothing serious. I have struggled with emotionally connecting to anyone else. I feel like he planted a seed of hope that we might get back together some day and its left me emotionally paralyzed. Now being objective I can see that a relationship with him right now would NOT be in my best interest.

 

 

Anyways, I am going to be in his city this September and he had mentioned before he would like to see me for coffee/drink if I am in town, but I don't know what the point of doing that is....I wrote out a pro/con list and it's about equal on both sides really. I feel like I would regret not using the opportunity to see him and either gain closure in some way, but I want to be sure to manage my expectations about the meet up. I think I am expecting something from him but not sure what would make me happy.

 

 

Pro : It's been a year. We have both had other relationships, and I can be a bit more objective.

Closure from seeing him again in a new light. The last time I saw him the feelings for him were strong. Seeing him in person when time has passed I can remember this feeling and associate it to him rather than romanticize the past.

 

 

Con: Old hurts could be brought up. Unresolved hurt could cause an awkward and unpleasant conversation. ( in which case I can just leave)

Not sure what to expect from him/ or how I might feel upon seeing him.

 

 

Does anyone have experience meeting up with an ex after a year has passed and feeling neutral towards the person? That is what I am kind of hoping for I think...

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Think of the best case scenario and think about living life missing out on that. Think of the worst case scenario and think about having to live with that. Which would cause you more pain? Choose the option that makes you avoid that possible pain.

[The_Onceler]

Ha! Sure, I can tell you...

 

About a year after our break up, I was visiting home, where my ex-girlfriend had returned to after we split. She called me out of the blue about meeting up, getting closure, leaving on good terms, etc.

 

We had always had incredible sexual chemistry, but we'd also had a volatile relationship. Anyway, we met up, one thing led to another, and we wound up between the sheets.

 

9 months later, I had returned home permanently in order to be present for the birth of our daughter, who is about to turn 8. Sadly, her mother may well be moving out the same weekend as our daughter's birthday.

 

I doubt I would have even CONSIDERED such an outcome in a hypothetical best case/worst case question!

[JewelD]

Be honest with yourself about why you want to go at all in the first place. You said it yourself, what's the point? You still have some type of feelings for him. You won't be neutral because you have a history with this person. You also will not get closure because nobody ever really gets closure from meetings like this.

 

The closure comes from within. If you have not experienced it by now, meeting with him is going to make it even harder to close this chapter. It'd be one thing if the breakup was mutual but he broke up with you so he could date someone else. Why does he deserve any of your time?

[Silver_star]

Wow Onceler...that is an extreme. Sorry for your circumstances, but I guess they say things happen for a reason. I am sure you understand that when you look at your daughter, but yes It's important to weigh your choices for sure. Especially if it can impact your entire life.

 

 

On that note...in retrospect my ex and I didn't have a CRAZY sexual chemistry. I have had that with other people, but with us it was more of a personal/emotional connection. Like that of a friend with feelings for each other, and when we did have sex it was really connected and intimate rather than passionate and "take me now" sex.

When we broke up we didn't have breakup sex, that would have felt too weird considering our emotional connection and it being so intimate.

 

 

JewelD I have considered what you said, and that's why I am asking the forum too. I am trying to figure out what my expectations are I guess.

He very well could be dating and if he is I am really okay with that. After all he has been dating this whole year and so have I...I want him to be happy even if its with someone else.

But you are right, I will have some kind of feelings for him always, and I am not neutral. I guess I just miss that strong connection that we shared. But if we had our special connection back I doubt it would be appropriate if he were in any kind of relationship. He was like a best friend in many ways. So wishing for our special connection would be selfish because it would ensure that we both have uncomfortable relationships with others moving forward.

 

 

So what am I looking to get from it? I guess I have had an experience meeting up with an ex before and it really closed the book for me. We met up after a while and I was no longer attracted to him like that and his life and his choices just made me realize that he is not who I was supposed to be with, and I wished him the best and we parted ways. It really closed the book for me. So I guess I am hoping that I can look at him in a new light, and just wish him the best with his life and close the book.