I do not want money to get in the way

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr.Lucky,

I do not see us as roommates with benefits.I see us as a married couple but have not got the paper yet.

 

KJB, the road to hell is paved with good intentions and every committed couple, married or not, sees a lifetime together. But, on this forum alone, there's considerable evidence that doesn't always come to pass. There are some simple, pragmatic steps you can take to lessen the drama and divisiveness should this occur.

 

Both will be on the deed. In fact, our offer has been accepted today.

 

Congratulations ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BettyDraper]

I'll be real curious to see the answer to THAT. It's a blue moon when true 50/50 actually exists. The woman usually gets stuck doing A LOT more.

 

And if that's the case OP, then I'd be contributing LESS than 50%.

 

This. Our housework split is 90/10 with me doing the lion's share because I do not work outside the home.

When I was working, it was more like 55/45.

 

OP, I second CarrieT's advice about a solid contract set up. Mingling finances and large joint purchases when you're not married can lead to serious problems should a separation occur.

Edited August 9, 2016 by BettyDraper

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

T-16bullseyeWompRat

Thank you for your reply.

We are responsible people. We are modest and what we save we spend on nice holidays or family or keep it for a rainy day.

With the house come more expenses like furniture etc and my share of the mortgage so this will have to take priority now

 

Good. Ten years marriage in, and a total of 16+ years total have taught me this issue can be fluid depending on your situation. If you are both working and bringing in a check, expect to revisit this from time to time. That has been us anyway. I wouldnt say money is an issue in relationships, more so the resentment of how money is managed within the household that is the problem. My wife and I are pretty much equal earners. If i have tons of fun money and she has very little, she has reason for resentment. If i earn all the money and control spending, she has reason for resentment. If i earn all the money, and she spends all the fun money on getting nails done and shopping, i have reason for resentment. You just have to find what works for you two. Its never the money that is the issue, its a resentment stemming from how money is managed when the issues about money come up. Has little to do with the actual amount coming or going. Just my opinion based on my own experiences.

 

Find a system you both agree on. Its not like its set in stone and cant be revisited at some point in the future if its no longer working.

[mrs rubble]

No further advice on the bill splitting, but I noticed you said you don't have children, but may decide to and you're both in your early 40's....the statistics are already against you concieving....if you're going to do it, time has nearly if not already run out...better decide quickly if you want any chance of it happening.

Enjoy your new home.

[caregiver]

Money is likely the second main cause of relationship issues right behind mis matched sex drives or boundaries. Split the finances 50/50. If you feel you want to contribute extra, spend some money on him. Like clothes or tools if he is into working with his hands. It will be appreciated.

 

Now, this is the most important advice anyone will ever get about money.

 

Both of you need to max out your company 401k plans if you have them and if you can afford it also max out IRA accounts for both of you. The biggest mistake people make is not saving and investing for the future. If you are self employed you still have several options for tax free savings.

If you are a business owner you have even more options.

 

My wife and I put several thousand a year into savings from a young age. She always worried about money until I showed her how much we had saved. Tragedy struck us and our medical bills are pretty high. Between health insurance premiums and copays, we are close to a few grand a month. Because we saved so much, we can easily handle the expenses. Money never comes into play when it comes to her care and that is actually very rare.

 

 

Even if you stay healthy and your later years are easy, the extra savings will allow you to retire early. Maybe take that special trip or just or just spend it helping out your family. Without money issues, any relationship is easier. You are not going to spend it until you are much older but knowing it is there just makes life a tad bit easier.

[KellyJellyBelly]

Money is likely the second main cause of relationship issues right behind mis matched sex drives or boundaries. Split the finances 50/50. If you feel you want to contribute extra, spend some money on him. Like clothes or tools if he is into working with his hands. It will be appreciated.

 

Now, this is the most important advice anyone will ever get about money.

 

Both of you need to max out your company 401k plans if you have them and if you can afford it also max out IRA accounts for both of you. The biggest mistake people make is not saving and investing for the future. If you are self employed you still have several options for tax free savings.

If you are a business owner you have even more options.

 

My wife and I put several thousand a year into savings from a young age. She always worried about money until I showed her how much we had saved. Tragedy struck us and our medical bills are pretty high. Between health insurance premiums and copays, we are close to a few grand a month. Because we saved so much, we can easily handle the expenses. Money never comes into play when it comes to her care and that is actually very rare.

 

 

Even if you stay healthy and your later years are easy, the extra savings will allow you to retire early. Maybe take that special trip or just or just spend it helping out your family. Without money issues, any relationship is easier. You are not going to spend it until you are much older but knowing it is there just makes life a tad bit easier.

caregiver

Thank you for your advice. I absolutely agree. We all need some savings for a rainy day.

That's what my plan is and also get private health insurance just in case.

I do spend money on my bf and will continue to happily do so but as you say i will start with 50/50 bills.

Hope your wife feels better.

[KellyJellyBelly]

No further advice on the bill splitting, but I noticed you said you don't have children, but may decide to and you're both in your early 40's....the statistics are already against you concieving....if you're going to do it, time has nearly if not already run out...better decide quickly if you want any chance of it happening.

Enjoy your new home.

mrs rubble...

 

Agreed. too late to be thinking about children. time for action if anything. I meant adoption.

[KellyJellyBelly]

Good. Ten years marriage in, and a total of 16+ years total have taught me this issue can be fluid depending on your situation. If you are both working and bringing in a check, expect to revisit this from time to time. That has been us anyway. I wouldnt say money is an issue in relationships, more so the resentment of how money is managed within the household that is the problem. My wife and I are pretty much equal earners. If i have tons of fun money and she has very little, she has reason for resentment. If i earn all the money and control spending, she has reason for resentment. If i earn all the money, and she spends all the fun money on getting nails done and shopping, i have reason for resentment. You just have to find what works for you two. Its never the money that is the issue, its a resentment stemming from how money is managed when the issues about money come up. Has little to do with the actual amount coming or going. Just my opinion based on my own experiences.

 

Find a system you both agree on. Its not like its set in stone and cant be revisited at some point in the future if its no longer working.

The most sensible explanation I have ever come across about money issues. Eye opener.

Thank you.

[Cephalopod]

Stick with 50/50 on all shared costs.

 

Do not get married. Married women do not respect husbands who make less then they do. It is a social evolution thing.

[alsudduth]

Do not get married. Married women do not respect husbands who make less then they do. It is a social evolution thing.

 

WHAT?! I disagree.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Stick with 50/50 on all shared costs.

 

Do not get married. Married women do not respect husbands who make less then they do. It is a social evolution thing.

 

Disagree as well. Again from personal experience. She out earned me for a good 7 years of our marriage. Ill add a good amount more as well, not like 3k or something small. She made 15-20k more then I did. The only fights we have ever had about money has always been about spending/savings habits. Ive never felt she didnt respect me. I passed her up in earnings a couple years ago, but we are talking 2-3k. Not much, i consider that equal earners. As far as money, i make a good living in sales but im not happy with my job really. The field i want to go into i would take a big paycut. She has encouraged me more then anyone in pursuing my interests. She wants me to be happy, doesnt care about the money I earn. We will work out the money, thats not what makes either of us happy anyway. Maybe if you are a person all about the money, but that sure as hell isnt us.

[Lobe]

Stick with 50/50 on all shared costs.

 

Do not get married. Married women do not respect husbands who make less then they do. It is a social evolution thing.

 

Then you're hanging out at the shallow end of the meme pool.

 

meme mēm/Submit

noun

an element of a culture or system of behavior that may be considered to be passed from one individual to another by nongenetic means, especially imitation.

 

OP, split it 50/50 for now, ditto for the household expenses - makes things tidy in case of a split. Things can get more "fluid" later on when/if things change like you get married, do IVF or adopt or whatever...