Help! Long-Distance Reconciliation

[Naive1993]

Hi, I just realized that I'm Anxious-preoccupied. I hope it's not too late to change for better and make this relationship work again.

My Fearful/Dismissive-Avoidant boyfriend of 10 months (we met online) went back home to the other side of the country (couldn’t get a job here so he had to go back home to take over his father’s business) and broke up with me after his 2-week drive home.

 

He moved here from another state and hoped to find better opportunities here. He was doing a degree online on top of his Masters and just until a month ago he was still looking for a part time job here. I live at home with my parents and he has his own apartment. I have work and it wouldn't be convenient to live with him. But I spent almost all my days off at his place and we would always wanted to hang out with each other. We always hung out with each other during our free time. We never really have any serious fights. There were no signs of any problems.

 

A month ago he went back home for a weekend and came back telling me he's moving back home and we have to break up. He said he has to leave for his future. I was shocked. His father wants him to help him with his business as he's retiring soon. As I said, he was still looking for a part time job here right before he visited home. It wasn't planned. He planned to stay here and he never planned to leave. If he had stayed, we'd probably still be dating. He doesn't want to do long distance and he doesn't want me to move with him. And he said that relationship can’t survive anyway. (He’s had s relationships before dating me and all of them ended when 1 partner has to leave. I know he wants to be loved, but he doesn’t seem to have faith in relationships.) I refused, so we kept dating for another month. I told him how much I love him and how much he means to me and he's irreplaceable. Then he said he felt undeserving of my love. I even helped him pack and move. Everything seemed fine and he even visited me the day before he left and we kissed and cuddled and still were together. Then he drove back home. When he broke up with me over the phone 2 weeks later, he told me that he has been thinking about breaking up ever since he decided to move back home. He told me he cried (didn’t let me know) because he’s sad that this relationship didn’t work out.

 

During his 2-week drive home, we barely talked and I was anxious and became extremely needy. He broke up with me once 3 days prior to the official breakup and the trigger was me yelling at him over the phone for not making time to talk. I texted him a lot for not making time to talk on the day of official breakup. He didn't really respond (often ignored) to my texts and later just called me and broke up with me over the phone that night. He said he likes me but in the long run it's better for us to break up now since he can't live with me (said I'm overbearing & controlling) and there's no point keep dating if we can't eventually live together.

 

I asked to be friends and he agreed. I asked to visit him and he said I can visit and we'll probably end up having sex if I visit him, but we won't date again. He said we're compatible in bed, but our personalities are not compatible. He said we fought too much (to me I thought I was just speaking louder). He said his feelings changed and doesn't think we have a future together. He said I can't move with him because I'll have no friends, job, food I like and the weather sucks there. And he said he won't ask anyone to move with him and he wouldn't have stayed for anyone. He seemed to really care for me and cared about my future. He said he's sorry that he wasted my time, but he also felt like he wasted so much effort on me. He admitted that he has own problems, too. He didn't tell me what his problems are. He said he has to be the rational one and make the hard, but right decision for us. Does that mean he thought of the emotional decision of us staying together? I asked him what he meant by compatible and what he wants, but he couldn't tell me. He told me he can’t do hook-ups and I’m welcome to come visit him for sex. And he said we'll never get back together and he doesn't want to give me any false hope. We're still attracted to each other, but he doesn't want to date me anymore. He told me to move on and get over him and not be obsessed with him. He even said that if I moved to where he lives (after my contract job assignment is done in 8 months), he’ll get a restraining order. I just don’t know why he’s so defensive even though I have never done anything abnormal in the past. I don’t know what got him to be so afraid of me…I have never threatened him or done anything crazy. I feel like he's sending me mixed signals. Like he likes me, but doesn't like me. This is confusing me. I think he felt defeated because he has to go back home (where he doesn't like), but I don't know how that contributes to our breakup.

 

**He gave me all these reasons why we have to break up and why I can't move with him, but I just don't know which one is the determining factor(real reason).. What do you think the determining factor was?

 

The day after the breakup, I asked him to give me advice on 1st date because I was talking to someone online and we arranged a date. He gave me some advice. I went on the first date and it didn't go well. I texted him asking about his life and sent him some pictures of me. He commented and asked about my date. I didn’t reply him till the next day an told him it went well. He wanted to know more about my date. I asked him what he wants to know. He didn’t reply. The next day I sent him a link to watch a show that I told him about previously. He wanted to know more details about the date. Then he told me to practice safe sex. I asked him why he's telling me this, and he just thought this would help. Again, I feel like he's sending me mixed signals again. It seems like he still cares..I got mad and told him that I cannot just forget all the memories we had and just move on quickly. I got emotional and ask him if he'll be happier to know that I've moved on and if he just want me to quickly jump on another guy. He didn't reply. We haven't talked since then. I'm doing a 30 Day NO-Contact with him now.

I was thinking if I visit often enough, we might be able to transition from friends with benefits to lovers. But I’m also afraid that we might just stay in the friends with benefits zone forever (till he finds a girlfriend in his area).

 

**Please help! What can I do to make him want to be in a relationship (long-distance) with me again? I’m willing to move with him if we get back together. Will the 30 day No-contact work? Should I wait 30 days and see what will happen? Or is it better to get in touch with him to talk things out? Should I visit him? If I visit him, should I have sex with him or should I just kiss/cuddle? Will having sex with him attract him again and eventually bring us back together? How can I explain to him that I'm not crazy and we both have different attachment styles and this is something we can work on & it doesn't mean we're incompatible? I don't think these "flirts/texts to get your ex back" on the internet will open him up, then how can I make him open up?

Thanks in advance! Really appreciate it!

[Silver_star]

You are both playing immature head games. Don't kid yourself about what they are. You are trying to come out with your ego intact, but it's tough. it hurts because you still have deep feelings for him.

 

 

You didn't ask him for "advice" on your date as a "Friend". You told him that to try and make him jealous and try to make him want you back. He already told you that a relationship with you isn't what he wants, believe him. I know it hurts but if he has told you that...and he hasn't tried to get you back by now...believe him when he says you are not for him.

 

 

He is attracted to you, and sure he might even care about you, and might even feel jealous about your new relationships..but he still by principal knows that a relationship with you wont work. So don't try and force one or "trick" him into wanting one. It wont work. Your are just wasting your emotional energy on someone who has already told you that they don't choose you. Sorry.

[sugarpuss]

Ok, you should absolutely keep up with no contact and don't break it. I don't see a future with him and there's nothing you can do to change that. The guy has said he's not interested. Does it suck? Yes. But that's the way it is. It takes two people to be in a relationship and in this case, he's 95% checked out. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out exactly WHY he's not interested. It could be you, it could be him, it could be a combination of both. He's a dismissive/avoidant so chances are, he's never going to tell you the truth, anyway. He'll shut down before that happens.

 

He's keeping you on a short leash as a booty call more or less. If you're 100% okay with being used for sex and sex only, then sure, go visit him and have sex. But as an anxious-preoccupied (even NOT as an anxious-preoccupied), I know that's not going to be enough for you. So seriously, move on. Why would you contemplate moving to his town when he's thrown a restraining order threat at you? Why would you want that, or someone like that in your life?

 

Relationships between these two attachment styles rarely work out. Do they attract? Yes, because they're opposites. But they don't work out. If you truly are anxious-preocuppied, you need to find someone with a "normal" attachment style to balance you out.