After years of reading this forum, dumped in an instant. Heartbroken

[TexasGuy12]

Hi everyone:

 

A quick introduction - my name is David. I had a bad breakup back in 2007 and this forum really helped me out, even though I never posted. I was young and dumb back then. I always checked in here over the years just because I always appreciated how helpful this site was. Fast forward 9 years and I'm going through some insane heartbreak, and I could really, really use some moral support. I'm kind of stuck in a rut and following the old saying that I always tell people - I'm great at giving people advice except to myself.

 

A year and a half ago, I met a very awesome girl. I wasn't looking for a girlfriend at the time, but it kind of just happened. She was very thoughtful, a deep thinker, did some really, really nice things for me. She was very into me for the duration of our relationship. She is always the one that wanted to hang out, go on dates, take trips, etc. There always seemed to be some drama involved that kept me from being 100% invested, but nevertheless I truly loved her. We talked all day, everyday for 18 months. I realize many people on here have had relationships much longer than that, but I'm not a big relationship guy so that time with her really meant a lot to me. We had a lot of great times together, special moments. We both are very emotional, deep thinkers so we had a very soulful connection if that makes sense.

 

We were fighting a bit towards the end of our relationship, she was being really weird about things, not seeing me as much, not being as open, but we would always get over it and she could never stand to go a day being mad at each other. Every time we would meet, we'd always make up. If she did something wrong and I was upset at her, it would really cause her to be stressed and she always wanted to talk it out and make up right away. Basically, she really was into me, I had the upper hand in the relationship, not that she loved me more, but because she had no problem outwardly expressing that. She said that I was her soulmate and that she'd never felt the way she felt about me with anyone (I'm 28, she is 31).

 

Last month, we had a fight about something. I won't go into specifics on here but it was something that 5 of my closest friends all agreed was 100% on her. Her demeanor totally changed. The next day she said she didn't want to be with me. I begged and pleaded - all the things I would normally advise everyone not to do, for several weeks. We met up once in between then, had a great time, she told me she was still in love with me, we didn't fight, everything was fine - but then the next day it was back to her being distant again after I asked if she was talking to other guys (she wouldn't answer the question). She continued to text me every couple days, just small talk. I would go along with it, then it would go back to talking about the relationship and we'd get in a big fight. Her lack of urgency and any desire to meet me, or take a phone call to talk about our relationship, made me crazy and led to a fight every time.

 

Basically, I would never deny her the opportunity to meet or talk or work things out. And she was always the same way. Until she wasn't. But it's like a flip switched and all of a sudden I was insignificant.

 

I went no contact about 15 days ago after she again told me straight out that she didn't want to do this anymore. No word from her at all. I am having just an awful, awful time. I drive by and walk by places that remind me of our moments together and just want to cry and bury myself in a hole somewhere. I see her show up on my Facebook timeline and I constantly check her page, hoping she'll post a hidden message about me or decide to contact me. I can't fathom to myself how someone that was so into me and said such deep things to me could treat me like a total afterthought, like I am entirely insignificant. We've been through very deep things together, including the death of one of her family members that I was there for her throughout. I just can't imagine how she is treating me this way.

 

I'm a decent looking guy and don't have much problem talking to girls, but I'm in the classic "put this girl on a pedestal" mode and it's awful. I've been on 4 dates in 2 weeks, but I stopped because I realize it was just me trying to find a distraction, and when I'm with girls I just compare them to her and it's awful. I sit there laying in bed with another girl, looking at my phone hoping that my now ex will text me.

 

I think of her with another guy and it makes me utterly sick to my stomach.

 

This has consumed every moment of my life now for a month. I just need some help and figured I'd turn to you guys. Yes, I want her back desperately, but I can't text her and have her treat me like I'm just another random person anymore. Not talking to her will hurt less than that.

 

Heartbreak is the worst feeling in the world. Worse than physical pain and sickness. Worse than losing my grandparents.

 

Please, any help and advice is SO GREATLY APPRECIATED. I love you all.

Edited August 8, 2016 by TexasGuy12

[Chi townD]

Well, that's part of the problem that you've just admitted to. You tend to put girls on pedestals and that is the worst place to put a girl. You put a girl up there, and sooner or later, they realize they are looking down on you and it makes it really easy for them to step all over you. Nah, most girls don't want to be on a pedestal, they would rather be by your side. As your equal and walking together hand in hand.

 

You are the perfect person to take a trip right now. You are walking around seeing things that remind you of her. You need to go somewhere new and see new things. Meet new people. Give yourself a break! Go to a place that you've always wanted to see. Save, make a plan and then go! Use that time to decompress and to re-energize!

[TexasGuy12]

Well, that's part of the problem that you've just admitted to. You tend to put girls on pedestals and that is the worst place to put a girl. You put a girl up there, and sooner or later, they realize they are looking down on you and it makes it really easy for them to step all over you. Nah, most girls don't want to be on a pedestal, they would rather be by your side. As your equal and walking together hand in hand.

 

You are the perfect person to take a trip right now. You are walking around seeing things that remind you of her. You need to go somewhere new and see new things. Meet new people. Give yourself a break! Go to a place that you've always wanted to see. Save, make a plan and then go! Use that time to decompress and to re-energize!

 

I appreciate the advice Chi-Town. I've definitely thought about taking a trip and getting away for a bit.

 

As to your comments, the thing is, during our relationship, if anyone was ever on a pedestal, it was me. She was always the pursuer, from Day 1. More so than most girls would ever be. She really liked me and wasn't afraid to go after what she wanted. Which makes this period all the more tough for me, because I know her personality and her silence speaks volumes, both about me and the fact that she's very likely seeing someone else. And how she's doing that so quickly just hurts me very badly.

 

I didn't put her on a pedestal until I felt I may lose her and I started begging/pleading, as we all seem to do. So while that may have pushed her away after the fact, it wasn't a contributor to the breakup.

[Chi townD]

Okay, thank you for the clarity. I still think you need to take a trip somewhere. I've been where you've been when everything reminds you of her and the relationship. So, go somewhere new.

 

You need to make positive changes in your life. Go to the gym. Run on the treadmill and push some weight. Burn off all the stress and frustrations. Plus, if you eat right and get plenty of sleep, you'll be work towards a rock hard body that girls like. Get new hobbies, something that you'll enjoy and find people with a shared interest. The important thing is to keep busy! Then, travel! Go see the world! Maybe one day, she'll get curious and want to see what you're doing with our life. Wouldn't it be cool knowing that she may get jealous of the fact that since you've been with her, you've been to London, or Rome? Or that you climbed Mount Fuji in Japan, or went to Sydney? Or even just chilled out at a resort on Santa Monica Beach and took surfing lessons? Or went diving in Key West? Or white water rafting in West Virginia? Well, do you know what? HER LOSS! The best revenge you can get is to lead a damn good and adventurous life!

[TexasGuy12]

Okay, thank you for the clarity. I still think you need to take a trip somewhere. I've been where you've been when everything reminds you of her and the relationship. So, go somewhere new.

 

You need to make positive changes in your life. Go to the gym. Run on the treadmill and push some weight. Burn off all the stress and frustrations. Plus, if you eat right and get plenty of sleep, you'll be work towards a rock hard body that girls like. Get new hobbies, something that you'll enjoy and find people with a shared interest. The important thing is to keep busy! Then, travel! Go see the world! Maybe one day, she'll get curious and want to see what you're doing with our life. Wouldn't it be cool knowing that she may get jealous of the fact that since you've been with her, you've been to London, or Rome? Or that you climbed Mount Fuji in Japan, or went to Sydney? Or even just chilled out at a resort on Santa Monica Beach and took surfing lessons? Or went diving in Key West? Or white water rafting in West Virginia? Well, do you know what? HER LOSS! The best revenge you can get is to lead a damn good and adventurous life!

 

Thanks

 

Any idea what could be going through her mind?

[todreaminblue]

sorry that this has happened to you,wanting someone to come back and asking them repeatedly isnt putting them on a pedestal......its clinging to what was ......

 

i know because most of my relationship i put my ex on a pedestal.....treated him like a king.....overlooked the bad.....put my dreams wishes desires on hold...i helped him with whatever dreams wishes desires he had......put him above me.....above god even...defended him through thick or thin ....even when i knew he was wrong.....i stood steadfast....sex whenever he needed sex or wanted sex regardless of how i felt....thats a pedestal...an extremely high one...the thing is....when my kids were going through rough spots.....had one daughter with school refusal, two daughters being bullied and another teen son going through the court system.....i dropped the ball.....i got mentally sick trying to cope.....i didnt have him on the pedestal...i started to exert my own needs and the i needed to be there for my kids....i said no to sex just once......i started seeing some church people...and tried to get right with god..following my own heartbeat and my desires.......it was at that particular point....i found out he was having an affair and had been for a while...our relationship of fifteen years was over.....

 

why i wrote that diatribe is....it is not that you put people on pedestals that they leave...it is that people arent meant to be on pedestals and when you start to see them for who they are which is human..the colors stripped suddenly...and you see everything that you didnt want to see.......the person who has been bought to ground......actually miss the pedestal

 

 

if anything she had you on a pedestal...you ......miss that pedestal...and you are clinging to the hope she will see you the same way again......it happens.....the best you can do as another poster suggested is take a trip for a while...get away from the usual and all the reminders just for a little while ....clear your head...........dont contact her...chances are she has met someone....maintain your distance and if she contacts you at a later date decide from there...with a clear head....what you really want to do ...for now go no contact even if she does contact you....be with people who love you...do the things you love to do...even do something you have never done but always wanted to........i wish you well.....deb

[Sunkissedpatio]

Begging, pleading, asking for a second chance, expressing your love or desire to fix your part in the relationship breakdown is SUCH nonsense that it just pushes your partner further way. There is no "pushing them further away" because they have already made up their mind. Believing you have the power to push them away because you beg or plead is also believing you have the power to make them stay if you don't do that. It is utter nonsense.

 

The only reason you should not do those things is to save face.

 

Personally, I see nothing wrong with expressing to someone you are about to lose whatever you need to get off your chest. If having them see you as someone who cared and loves them is the worst part about losing face then who cares? "OOOOH they will find out you actually still care! Wow big embarrassment!"

 

Personally, I am not going to pretend like I suddenly don't care over night to save face.

 

Now, there is getting stuff off your chest and then there is being incapable of taking no for an answer and continuing to reach out to an ex when they clearly don't want the communication. The latter is selfish and super annoying so don't do that, and know where to draw the line.

 

The problem with a lot of the break-up advice everyone is so quick to give when they aren't the ones in the situation is that, and I can included myself too in this, we are talking with our egos. In real life we don't operate in such black and white, cut and dried manner.

 

 

What could be on her mind is impossible to say, but it sounds like whatever you fought about and despite running it past your 5 friends she obviously has her own version of it and her own convictions about how that fight happened and why you couldn't resolve it. If you think she met someone else she could be gaslighting you as well. Basically making you feel crazy for a situation she created she knows will end up in a fight and will get her desired outcome: to get you so mad at her that when she pulls the plug on the relationship she doesn't have to feel so bad about it.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, what was this final big fight about?

 

I know you don't want to go into specifics, but it's rather difficult to guess what is going through her mind if we don't know what triggered the break-up.

[Chi townD]

Thanks

 

Any idea what could be going through her mind?

 

 

Do you want me to be blunt? Unfortunately, not you. If she's in the middle of a new relationship, then she is still in the honeymoon phase of that relationship. When you asked her if she was with someone new and she wouldn't answer you? THAT was your answer. Then, you may ask me why she was contacting you with small talk? Well, she just dumped you and it was probably for someone else. She felt guilty and wanted to make sure you were okay. You know when couples breaks up, someone says, "I hope we can still be friends" That's not for the dumpee's benefit, it's for the dumper. They want nothing more than to say to themselves, "Oh look! We're no longer together;yet, we're still really good friends. He doesn't hate me afterall!" It's nothing more than to ease their own guilt.

 

So, if she's seeing someone else, that dude's butthole is the center of her universe. So, you're an after thought. But, when the honeymoon phase of this new relationship ends and the relationship normalizes, that's when she's going to think about you and the way she treated you at the end. So, she MAY wonder how you turned out. And that's when they reach out to you. Not to get back together, but to find out of you hate her. See, MOST girls can't stand the fact that there might be someone on this planet that hates them or doesn't think they are a good person. So, they'll reach out to see if this is the case.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

So, if she's seeing someone else, that dude's butthole is the center of her universe. So, you're an after thought. But, when the honeymoon phase of this new relationship ends and the relationship normalizes, that's when she's going to think about you and the way she treated you at the end. So, she MAY wonder how you turned out. And that's when they reach out to you. Not to get back together, but to find out of you hate her. See, MOST girls can't stand the fact that there might be someone on this planet that hates them or doesn't think they are a good person. So, they'll reach out to see if this is the case.

 

Exactly! Once their endorphins settle down and the novelty transforms into routine that is when they start to tap into their feelings and what they did and they will start sniffing around to see what you are up to.

That's usually when they entertain and explain away keeping contact with an ex to their new partners.

 

It's so text book...

[TexasGuy12]

OP, what was this final big fight about?

 

I know you don't want to go into specifics, but it's rather difficult to guess what is going through her mind if we don't know what triggered the break-up.

 

First off, I really want to sincerely thank you guys for taking the time to comment on my situation. It's so heartwarming to know that when I'm having an awful day, stuck in bed depressed, that I could come on here and total strangers would take time out of their day to help me through it. This really is an amazing community.

 

It's not that the fight in itself was big, it was a normal spat after which things were never the same. It's almost as though she was waiting for a way out to where she could blame it on something else, as opposed to her telling me she wants our or is seeing someone else.

 

As for the topic of the fight, we had a mutual male friend who has had a crush on her for a long time. When he found out that me and her were dating, he reached out to her, unbeknownst to me, and made up some things about me from the past. She didn't believe him and didn't bring it up to me. Months later, during one of our arguments, she noted that she was told something about me by someone that I knew, and that she wishes she would have followed their advice.

 

I blew it off because I knew she was just upset, as she would get overly emotional at times, but as time went on, I wanted to know who said something about me. She wouldn't tell me. I got mad and told her if she can't trust me to tell me something like that, then clearly something is wrong in the relationship. If we can go to bed at night and be intimate but she can't tell me someone in the world that is talking crap about me, that's not cool.

 

If someone was talking negatively about her, I'd be the first one to have her back and let her know that someone who she thought was her friend wasn't.

 

Pretty common sense IMO. So like I said, nothing that should have broken us up, and maybe that's the 20th disagreement we had in 18 months, the first 19 were resolved maturely, and this one she was just like F it.

[TexasGuy12]

Do you want me to be blunt? Unfortunately, not you. If she's in the middle of a new relationship, then she is still in the honeymoon phase of that relationship. When you asked her if she was with someone new and she wouldn't answer you? THAT was your answer. Then, you may ask me why she was contacting you with small talk? Well, she just dumped you and it was probably for someone else. She felt guilty and wanted to make sure you were okay. You know when couples breaks up, someone says, "I hope we can still be friends" That's not for the dumpee's benefit, it's for the dumper. They want nothing more than to say to themselves, "Oh look! We're no longer together;yet, we're still really good friends. He doesn't hate me afterall!" It's nothing more than to ease their own guilt.

 

So, if she's seeing someone else, that dude's butthole is the center of her universe. So, you're an after thought. But, when the honeymoon phase of this new relationship ends and the relationship normalizes, that's when she's going to think about you and the way she treated you at the end. So, she MAY wonder how you turned out. And that's when they reach out to you. Not to get back together, but to find out of you hate her. See, MOST girls can't stand the fact that there might be someone on this planet that hates them or doesn't think they are a good person. So, they'll reach out to see if this is the case.

 

I hear what you're saying about when their new honeymoon phase ends, they will start to think and reach out. But why do you say "not to get back together?" Just curious. Believe me, I know I need to move on, better myself, and get to a point where I don't care about whether we get back together or not. But while that sounds nice in theory, it's not the reality for me. I'd like some hope and if stories are out there where their ex's came back to them after finding the grass it not greener, or after taking time away and realizing that they F'd up, I'd love to hear them.

[Chi townD]

Exactly! Once their endorphins settle down and the novelty transforms into routine that is when they start to tap into their feelings and what they did and they will start sniffing around to see what you are up to.

That's usually when they entertain and explain away keeping contact with an ex to their new partners.

 

It's so text book...

 

I agree....But, here's the rub. IF she does reach out to you. You need to ignore her! Ignore the texts, let calls go to voicemail and delete the emails. Respond to NOTHING! Because, one of two things will happen. Either you're going to justify her actions or you're going to ease her guilt.

 

If you respond angry, you just gave her a reason to forgive herself. "Wow! if that's the way he's going to talk to me, then I'm glad I dumped his ass!" or if you respond kindly, "Oh look! He doesn't hate me! All is right in the Universe!" By going No Contact (NC) you give her NOTHING! She has no idea where your head is at. She has no idea if you're angry or sad. She has no idea if you hate her or if you just don't give a damn. You give her NOTHING!

 

And you're not being cruel. You want to have your Ex learn something. You want them to learn that you can't treat people the way they treated you and expect folks to be okay with it.

[TexasGuy12]

I agree....But, here's the rub. IF she does reach out to you. You need to ignore her! Ignore the texts, let calls go to voicemail and delete the emails. Respond to NOTHING! Because, one of two things will happen. Either you're going to justify her actions or you're going to ease her guilt.

 

If you respond angry, you just gave her a reason to forgive herself. "Wow! if that's the way he's going to talk to me, then I'm glad I dumped his ass!" or if you respond kindly, "Oh look! He doesn't hate me! All is right in the Universe!" By going No Contact (NC) you give her NOTHING! She has no idea where your head is at. She has no idea if you're angry or sad. She has no idea if you hate her or if you just don't give a damn. You give her NOTHING!

 

And you're not being cruel. You want to have your Ex learn something. You want them to learn that you can't treat people the way they treated you and expect folks to be okay with it.

 

I definitely understand no contact as I'm a big proponent of it when helping my friends who go through similar things (although I have not yet blocked her from social media, which I need to do).

 

And I definitely won't respond to her if she sends me a hey or how are you, or i miss you. For a while anyway. But I do think there may come a point where she gets bored and realizes what she lost, and at that point, I would consider hearing her out. Do you think that's the right way to handle it, or do you agree with many posters on here who think that if she really wanted to work things out, she'd basically paint a neon sign and bring it to my house?

[Marc878]

You've been around enough to know the begging, pleading bit probably put you in a worse state. The needy part didn't help any either.

 

Stalking her FB, etc. will just keep you in limbo longer.

 

Block her on everything. She's gone and your actions after just eliminated anything further. You're old enough to have known better.

 

Learn from this for your next relationship.

[TexasGuy12]

You've been around enough to know the begging, pleading bit probably put you in a worse state. The needy part didn't help any either.

 

Stalking her FB, etc. will just keep you in limbo longer.

 

Block her on everything. She's gone and your actions after just eliminated anything further. You're old enough to have known better.

 

Learn from this for your next relationship.

 

I hear you, although I won't apologize or beat myself up too much for fighting for something that I truly believed in. As much as we wish we were, we are not robots, and can't just cut bait at the first sign of trouble. If I would have went NC the first day she expressed a desire to not be together, she might think I didn't care about her as much as I did. I'm glad I fought, maybe not for 3 weeks, but I'm glad I made it known that I did not want the same thing.

[Chi townD]

I hear what you're saying about when their new honeymoon phase ends, they will start to think and reach out. But why do you say "not to get back together?" Just curious. Believe me, I know I need to move on, better myself, and get to a point where I don't care about whether we get back together or not. But while that sounds nice in theory, it's not the reality for me. I'd like some hope and if stories are out there where their ex's came back to them after finding the grass it not greener, or after taking time away and realizing that they F'd up, I'd love to hear them.

 

Sorry dude. I hate to break you down. But, I'm not going to fill you up with false hope either.

 

NC is a tool for us. Not a tool to try and get our Ex's back. Because it never works. NC helps us disconnect from the relationship and move on with our lives. Now, are there stories out there where Ex's want to come back. There are very few. But, they do occasionally happen. However, we try to get people to a point where they have recovered enough in their healing, that they don't want to go back! That they've made so many positive changes in their lives, that they don't want to revisit a failed relationship. The only time I ever advise people to break NC is when the Ex says "I'm sorry, I made a mistake and I'll do anything to have you back." Anything else is just breadcrumbs. And I would only advise them to consider it of they do that face to face. Not over email, phone or text. Hell, they were your girlfriend or boyfriend, they know where you live. You rate at least them to swallow their pride and knock on your door.

 

But, I will also tell you those stories of those you get back into relationship after trying to reconcile usually end up getting dumped for a second time. You're just better off just healing, making positive changes and NC dude. Sorry.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I agree....But, here's the rub. IF she does reach out to you. You need to ignore her! Ignore the texts, let calls go to voicemail and delete the emails. Respond to NOTHING! Because, one of two things will happen. Either you're going to justify her actions or you're going to ease her guilt.

 

If you respond angry, you just gave her a reason to forgive herself. "Wow! if that's the way he's going to talk to me, then I'm glad I dumped his ass!" or if you respond kindly, "Oh look! He doesn't hate me! All is right in the Universe!" By going No Contact (NC) you give her NOTHING! She has no idea where your head is at. She has no idea if you're angry or sad. She has no idea if you hate her or if you just don't give a damn. You give her NOTHING!

 

And you're not being cruel. You want to have your Ex learn something. You want them to learn that you can't treat people the way they treated you and expect folks to be okay with it.

 

Oh 100% agreed. It's one thing to get what you need to off your chest when you break up and are going to shut the door on the relationship. It's another months down the road or when they come back.

 

I have a tendency to shut that door, lock it, deadbolt it, and put an iron armoire filled with rocks on the other side for good measure. But that's just me.

 

I also would strongly recommend complete ignore when they come sniffing around.

[preraph]

You said a couple of posts back that because the "finale" didn't seem to be important enough to be the cause of the breakup, that you feel she had already decided to break up and was just waiting for a reason.

 

Don't hate me, but that's how I am. I start thinking my heart isn't in the relationship and become more detached. Then let's face it, there's always some irritating situations that arise between couples you can seize onto and that puts you over the edge OR gives you an immediate reason to blow it up. I once broke up with a guy because he stopped taking care of his guinae pigs. I'd known for a couple of years I was just wasting time with him (he was gay, for one thing). Lots of time, that's how it happens though. There isn't necessarily another man in the picture. She probably just fell out of love, hard as that is to hear.

 

I think going on a trip someplace you've never been is a good idea. And when you come home, start planning activities alone and with friends that do not all make you think of her. Think of two bad things for every good thing you think of when you're missing her to keep you realistic. Self-discipline. Nothing works perfectly, but remember you are theoretically in control of how long you decide to stay miserable. Good luck.

[Chi townD]

I agree. Dude, take a trip somewhere. Maybe grab some friends to go with you. Some of the examples I gave are things that I've done! I went white water rafting in West Virginia. I did a scuba dive in the Florida keys and saw Christ of the Abyss. Creepy yet cool! I cattle drove in Arizona. I dog sledded in Minnesota. I've been to no less than 20 different countries. Last year I cycled the Camino Da Santiago. Bike ride from France to the west Coast of Spain. In three months, I'm going back to London for another visit. Or grab some friends and do something local! Like a mud run like the Warrior Dash. Fresh Air and exercise on an obstacle course, then afterwards, a big party and beer at the finish line! Make memories dude!

[theredpill]

Go check Corey Wayne, he's pretty good and will smooth off your rough edges - the others have pointed out the main issues - love yourself more dude, know that's hard right now but it's the only way to live.

 

When you love yourself enough, you won't pander to anyone's BS whether that's your partner, manager, family, friends. First sign of disrespect, you call them out in a loving way and let them know you won't stand for it. If it does happen again and there's no sign of it changing for the better, you must love yourself enough to leave that situation.

[preraph]

There's some great river rafting (various levels different places on the river) at Buffalo River in Northeastern Arkansas. I think you might want to also travel to a bigger city. Traveling always puts in perspective how wrapped up you've become in your own tiny little world and makes you realize how vast your opportunities are that there are fun things to do besides being in love, even.

[Chi townD]

There's some great river rafting (various levels different places on the river) at Buffalo River in Northeastern Arkansas. I think you might want to also travel to a bigger city. Traveling always puts in perspective how wrapped up you've become in your own tiny little world and makes you realize how vast your opportunities are that there are fun things to do besides being in love, even.

 

BINGO! Exactly! Our lives are our own and we chose who we share it with. People get to wrapped up making our boyfriends and girlfriends our entire world, we forget how big and wondrous the real world is! So many things to do and see.

 

Dude, I wasn't lying. I actually did climb Mount Fuji, and when you're on top and looking DOWN on clouds?!?!? It puts life into perspective for you. I would love to climb Mount Kilimanjaro... a little pricey, but definitely on the bucket list.

[LD1990]

TexasGuy12, I was in a somewhat-similar situation. Relationship was just under 2 years, and my ex always put me on a pedestal, although I feel like it went both ways. She was the only woman I had been with where I ever really felt that deep connection, and she treated me like I was the greatest man on Earth. Now, she had strong borderline personality disorder symptoms, meaning for as often as she'd treat me wonderfully, she'd also treat me like I was the cause of all her problems. So the relationship was turbulent, to say the least.

 

I wasn't perfect, but I loved her and always tried my best to show just how much. She ended up detaching from the relationship towards the end, manipulated me, and dumped me after a big argument. Like you, I tried hard to win her back, with no success. It's crazy when someone who treated you like a king suddenly doesn't seem to care about you at all, isn't it?

 

Anyways, I eventually went NC. Look man, for your own sake, you have to abandon these thoughts of "well, if she does this and says this, maybe I'll hear her out." You're just hanging on to false hope. You're creating elaborate scenarios in your head of what she would have to do for things to work, but it's still just false hope. You can't move on completely if you're thinking of ways it could work out between you and her.

 

My ex actually ended up texting and later calling me from her new number. The text was just some BS "hope you're doing well" message, when she called she left a long voicemail saying how she missed me and my family, blah blah blah. I didn't respond to either. Loyalty is big for me. I look at it like this - I always stuck by this girl through all of her issues, because I loved her. She didn't do the same. How could I ever trust her again? Ask yourself the same question about your ex. How could you trust her not to leave again? More importantly, how could you trust someone who hid something from you for months, and wouldn't even tell you who was talking trash about you? The fact that she wouldn't tell you who that guy was speaks volumes, in my book. As your partner, she should be putting you first, not some guy she knows.

 

Well, this got a bit long, but I hope some of it helps. Keep moving forward, it gets a lot better, trust me!

[slider1985]

Begging, pleading, asking for a second chance, expressing your love or desire to fix your part in the relationship breakdown is SUCH nonsense that it just pushes your partner further way. There is no "pushing them further away" because they have already made up their mind. Believing you have the power to push them away because you beg or plead is also believing you have the power to make them stay if you don't do that. It is utter nonsense.

 

The only reason you should not do those things is to save face.

 

Personally, I see nothing wrong with expressing to someone you are about to lose whatever you need to get off your chest. If having them see you as someone who cared and loves them is the worst part about losing face then who cares? "OOOOH they will find out you actually still care! Wow big embarrassment!"

 

Personally, I am not going to pretend like I suddenly don't care over night to save face.

 

Now, there is getting stuff off your chest and then there is being incapable of taking no for an answer and continuing to reach out to an ex when they clearly don't want the communication. The latter is selfish and super annoying so don't do that, and know where to draw the line.

 

The problem with a lot of the break-up advice everyone is so quick to give when they aren't the ones in the situation is that, and I can included myself too in this, we are talking with our egos. In real life we don't operate in such black and white, cut and dried manner.

 

 

What could be on her mind is impossible to say, but it sounds like whatever you fought about and despite running it past your 5 friends she obviously has her own version of it and her own convictions about how that fight happened and why you couldn't resolve it. If you think she met someone else she could be gaslighting you as well. Basically making you feel crazy for a situation she created she knows will end up in a fight and will get her desired outcome: to get you so mad at her that when she pulls the plug on the relationship she doesn't have to feel so bad about it.

 

I couldn't agree more with your opinion. I recently experienced a similar situatuon where she basically made something out of nothing in order to get me upset so that she could pull the plug on the relationship . A few weeks later she's dating someone else.

Text book.