After years of reading this forum, dumped in an instant. Heartbroken

[TexasGuy12]

This is important to keep in mind. I realize my Ex doesn't truly qualify for this disorder. Just because she shows signs of having the character traits, does not mean she has BPD. She also suffers from chronic depression and extreme bouts of stress and anxiety. This might have also been a big contributing factor to our relationship problems. The only person who could really know is a mental health professional. It's not my place to say. The only thing I'm concerned about now is the state of my own personal mental health and happiness.

 

TexasGuy, it's time to focus on yourself. Take what you've learned from this experience and use it to improve yourself and your life so that when you are ready to love again, you won't make the same mistakes. That's what I plan to do.

 

I don't necessarily think I made many mistakes, other than confusing a personality disorder with someone who I thought was just a very unique, caring individual unlike most other girls.

 

I'll have eyes wide open moving forward

[TexasGuy12]

Today is 11 days into my new NC streak. I am doing strangely and surprisingly very well. So much so that I'm wondering if I am just suppressing my emotions only to have them pop up at a later date.

[marky00]

your probably still riding on a bit of the drug fix from the recent contact.

 

 

Days 40 - 60 is usually when the worst of it peaks.

[BC1980]

Today is 11 days into my new NC streak. I am doing strangely and surprisingly very well. So much so that I'm wondering if I am just suppressing my emotions only to have them pop up at a later date.

 

You're still riding that high from contacting her. You'll probably crash at some point, but forewarned is forearmed. I'm not trying to be negative; I'm trying to be realistic based on what I experienced and what others have experienced. NC taught me something very important: our emotions fluctuate on a daily basis. Especially when you are going through an acutely emotional recovery/grief. Your emotions will change a lot for the first year or so. They start to even out after that. I'd say the first 90 days are the craziest. People always crash and start to break sometime around 30-90 days. The reality sets in at that point, and you realize that you are alone with your emotions. If you can make it through this, you will build tremendous emotional resilience for the rest of your life.

 

All of that is why I think it's extremely important to have a routine everyday. At least for the next several months, have a routine in place. No sleeping in bed all day or getting up and having no plan/purpose for the day. You will need that routine to fall back on when things turn emotionally tough.

[TexasGuy12]

So today is Day 27 of NC. For about 22 days, I wasn't really counting. As my last post indicated, I was doing REALLY WELL, not thinking about her or the relationship too much. For a couple days, she started creeping in a bit more, and then 2 mornings ago I woke up to a dream about her. It's kind of embarrassing. I dreamt that I randomly ran into her and she acted like she thought I was following her and she just wanted to get rid of me. The past 2 days since then have kind of sucked so I figured I should check in and just say it all out loud of nothing else.

 

I don't have any desire or interest in contacting her, I guess this recent period has been more about just being sad about it and sad that she's long gone.

 

I also realize that it's been over 3 months since I've seen her and not once has she ever reached out during my now 3 periods of NC, so I pretty much know it's over. So basically just sadness and regret about that I guess. Thinking about the holidays coming and her not being around.

 

I guess if anyone can shed insight into what current "phase" I'm going through, that would be cool.

 

I do feel that I've made lots of progress. I don't want to contact her, I now understand the issues that she had and that it likely would have never worked out. But these couple days of sadness have surprised me becuase I really thought I took a giant leap.

[BC1980]

So today is Day 27 of NC. For about 22 days, I wasn't really counting. As my last post indicated, I was doing REALLY WELL, not thinking about her or the relationship too much. For a couple days, she started creeping in a bit more, and then 2 mornings ago I woke up to a dream about her. It's kind of embarrassing. I dreamt that I randomly ran into her and she acted like she thought I was following her and she just wanted to get rid of me. The past 2 days since then have kind of sucked so I figured I should check in and just say it all out loud of nothing else.

 

I don't have any desire or interest in contacting her, I guess this recent period has been more about just being sad about it and sad that she's long gone.

 

I also realize that it's been over 3 months since I've seen her and not once has she ever reached out during my now 3 periods of NC, so I pretty much know it's over. So basically just sadness and regret about that I guess. Thinking about the holidays coming and her not being around.

 

I guess if anyone can shed insight into what current "phase" I'm going through, that would be cool.

 

I do feel that I've made lots of progress. I don't want to contact her, I now understand the issues that she had and that it likely would have never worked out. But these couple days of sadness have surprised me becuase I really thought I took a giant leap.

 

The final destination is indifference. At least, it was for me. So all along the way, I would wrestle with different emotions like you are now. Sometimes, I would small setback, and sometimes big setbacks. It all evened out in the end.

 

I think the first 1-6 months is just the reality and setting in and the shock wearing off. You are reordering your life emotionally. Stuff will happen, and you will go to call her. But you will realize you don't talk to her anymore, and that will happen until it becomes natural. Christmas will come, and you will think about what kind of gift you would buy her. But as times goes on, you won't do that anymore. It has to happen naturally. I was kind of all over the place emotionally during that time, and it goes by quicker for some people. I was rehashing it at times, hopeful at times, crying at times, had anxiety and trouble sleeping sometimes. Those months were really tumultuous. I had good days too, so enjoy those days. It seems like you are having more good days than bad right now, so I'm glad for you. You might still be in shock and probably haven't processed it yet. This is the time where anything can set you back (like a dream), and you will ruminate on it for days. I didn't even look at a picture of my ex for a year because it was so scary for me. I was scared of what kinds of emotions that would bring up.

 

You are going to hit those down days during this time. It all means you aren't indifferent yet. I remember, about a year into NC, I had a dream that my ex cheated on me, and I woke up with a tear on my cheek. I thought about that dream all day. A year after that, I ran into him at work, and he wanted to chat. I shut it down but realized I didn't hate him when he walked away. I felt nothing. So I knew I was indifferent and over it that day.

[Downtown]

These couple days of sadness have surprised me because I really thought I took a giant leap.

Texas, thanks for the update. This statement reminds me of your question posted a month ago (post 145): "So now what happens when I get to day 75 and I have these same thoughts?" My response (post 149), which applies to how you're feeling on day 27 as well as day 75, was "What likely happens is that one day you will wake up and feel like you're right back where you started at day 1."

 

As I said then, it is just a feeling. Don't believe it. Healing from an emotional trauma, like healing from a body injury, does not proceed in a linear fashion. That is, you don't get a little bit better each day. Instead, you improve in fits and starts and some days feel like you're back at square one. Your improvement, then, is not seen in steady progress. Rather, it will be seen in the fact that the very bad days will get farther and farther apart until, eventually, they don't reoccur at all. That, at least, has been my experience, Texas.

[TexasGuy12]

Thanks BC and Downtown. Really appreciate your continued help and support in this thread. Means a lot!

[Toodaloo]

The final destination is indifference.

 

Exactly this.

 

Until you get there you will ride a roller coaster of emotions. Its completely normal. You just have to get on and deal with them as they come.

[TexasGuy12]

Almost 2 months of NC now. Overall, doing great. The moments where I think of her have been way more spaced out, and when I do, the feelings aren't as severe.

 

This is getting to be the point of the year though where it's going to really suck. Our first real date was on Black Friday, her birthday is Christmas, and our best date ever was a New Years Eve. I've found myself thinking to NYE and how sucky it's going to be when the clock strikes midnight not thinking about her and wondering about her.

 

That's really became the biggest thing for me. It's wondering what she's up to, if she thinks about me, if she'll ever contact me. Not because I want to get back with her, but because part of me still loves her and I'm a guy with an ego and it hurts to think that she just doesn't care anymore.

 

Obviously this board has been overwhelmingly helpful in pointing out her BPD traits and that has helped me more than words can say, but the mirroring stage is seriously like a drug and it takes a long time to get over wanting another hit. Whenever I think of her, I don't really think of the bad times at first. I think of the good times.

 

I haven't looked at her social media at all this go around which has been huge help. Sometimes I get cocky and try to talk myself into being healed enough to look, but then I realize that nothing good can come from that.

 

Hoping this holiday season goes quick and that I can get through to the other side. 2017 will bring be much less drama filled than 2016, that's for sure. Knock on wood...

[Downtown]

Overall, doing great.... This is getting to be the point of the year though where it's going to really suck.

Texas, thanks for giving us another update. Glad to hear you're doing well overall. But, yes, the holidays are going to suck. Nearly everyone has trouble with the holidays, especially those coming right after the separation. But, man, you've sure come a long way since your breakup last July! A long, long way!

 

P.S. -- Perhaps I should augment my list of 18 warning signs to include: #19 Had your first real date on a day known nationwide as "Black Friday."

Edited November 22, 2016 by Downtown

[TexasGuy12]

P.S. -- Perhaps I should augment my list of 18 warning signs to include: #19 Had your first real date on a day known nationwide as "Black Friday."

 

Haha, it was a wedding so perhaps the people that planned their wedding for Black Friday should be the ones evaluated

[PLT]

Congrats on 2 months mate. I'm so ****ing **** at NC I can barely manage 2 weeks.

 

I emailed my ex on Saturday night. I knew she wouldn't reply but I just couldn't let things end like that. I simply had to tell her that I genuinely love her. I didn't excuse her behaviour, and laid out my "ideal world" scenario to her, before accepting that that was unlikely. I ended by saying I wouldn't contact her again for both our sakes. I feel terrible again. I haven't seen her for 3 months. The absolute coldness of her after all the warmth for so long just ****s with my head.

 

Being dumped for things I didn't even do with no right of response, no talking it over, no nothing. I am the devil as far as she's concerned, even though I did none of the things she accused me of. It's just so mind boggling how someone who told me repeatedly "I've waited my whole life for you, so I'm not letting you go easily", did in fact let me go so easily. She never fought for me. Not once. For over a year I had been fighting tooth and nail for the relationship while she just sat back and let it burn. She thinks she "made an effort" by putting sexy dresses on and "looking good on my arm" (Her words not mine). Not being funny but that to me is very little effort seeing as thats what she wears 90% of the time anyway! Shame she couldn't put the effort into not calling me a liar up to 27 (yes, I counted once) times a day. Or maybe put some effort into showing some remorse after ripping my heart out for the umpteenth time. Or put some effort into not jumping to (always the wrong) conclusions.

 

I'm scared. I'm scared I will never be happy again. I'm scared I will just carry on day by day just going through the motions. I'm scared she WILL contact me, I'm scared she WON'T contact me. I'm scared my life is over, I'm scared because I don't find ANYONE attractive anymore. I'm scared to be alone, but I'm scared to get involved again.

 

Literally the only thing keeping me alive is my sons.

 

I have today taken what I think could be a step in the right direction by registering to be a volunteer. I have 2 meetings to go to in the next week to look at a couple of options.

Edited November 22, 2016 by PLT

[BC1980]

Glad to see you checking in! The holidays are rough because they highlight the fact that you aren't together. It gets better though. Next year, you probably won't even think about her and will be creating new memories. That's important. You need to create new memories. At first, it is hard to go through anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, first dates, even places that remind you of your ex. But all of that stuff goes away in time, and you don't even think about it anymore.

[TexasGuy12]

Congrats on 2 months mate. I'm so ****ing **** at NC I can barely manage 2 weeks.

 

I emailed my ex on Saturday night. I knew she wouldn't reply but I just couldn't let things end like that. I simply had to tell her that I genuinely love her. I didn't excuse her behaviour, and laid out my "ideal world" scenario to her, before accepting that that was unlikely. I ended by saying I wouldn't contact her again for both our sakes. I feel terrible again. I haven't seen her for 3 months. The absolute coldness of her after all the warmth for so long just ****s with my head.

 

Being dumped for things I didn't even do with no right of response, no talking it over, no nothing. I am the devil as far as she's concerned, even though I did none of the things she accused me of. It's just so mind boggling how someone who told me repeatedly "I've waited my whole life for you, so I'm not letting you go easily", did in fact let me go so easily. She never fought for me. Not once. For over a year I had been fighting tooth and nail for the relationship while she just sat back and let it burn. She thinks she "made an effort" by putting sexy dresses on and "looking good on my arm" (Her words not mine). Not being funny but that to me is very little effort seeing as thats what she wears 90% of the time anyway! Shame she couldn't put the effort into not calling me a liar up to 27 (yes, I counted once) times a day. Or maybe put some effort into showing some remorse after ripping my heart out for the umpteenth time. Or put some effort into not jumping to (always the wrong) conclusions.

 

I'm scared. I'm scared I will never be happy again. I'm scared I will just carry on day by day just going through the motions. I'm scared she WILL contact me, I'm scared she WON'T contact me. I'm scared my life is over, I'm scared because I don't find ANYONE attractive anymore. I'm scared to be alone, but I'm scared to get involved again.

 

Literally the only thing keeping me alive is my sons.

 

I have today taken what I think could be a step in the right direction by registering to be a volunteer. I have 2 meetings to go to in the next week to look at a couple of options.

 

I understand how you feel. Now sure if you've followed this whole thread but I was pretty F'd up. When I was going through it, it was the worst thing I had ever gone through. Looking back, it was the worst thing I've ever gone through as far as how I felt like I couldn't see out of it. When you feel the way you do right now, there's nothing inside of you that tells you that it's going to get better. Other people can tell you, but you always fear that you're the one that's never going to be able to get over it.

 

It does get better. Like anything in life, I feel like at some point a light bulb goes off and you just start healing. I broke NC 2 times, after 14 days and after 45 days, and after each time I felt awful. At some point after the 2nd time the light went on, not so much with everything, but with the NC. I realized that NOTHING GOOD could come from it. The only good thing that could come from it is if she starts acting like herself and wants to be with me, and if that ever were to happen, which it won't, she would find a way to reach out to me. So me contacting her and hoping that she is someone that she isn't just doesn't make any sense.

 

You said it yourself - you feel terrible after contacting her. You poured your heart out and got no response. No one can explain why she's acting the way she's acting. All you know is that as bad as your days are as you're going through this, they're even worse when you contact her. People around here have all been through it. They all told me not to contact her, not to look at her social media. I did and I learned the hard way. It's okay to make mistakes as long as you learn form them and adjust.

 

My advice would be to stop contacting her. It's okay to still want to be with her. Part of me certainly still loves my ex and while the rational side of me knows she is dysfunctional and has a ton of issues and that I would always be miserable with her, the emotional side of me disagrees sometimes. That's fine. But if she would ever be in the right frame of mind to even think about having some sort of a relationship or dialogue, it would have to come from her. If I ever get contacted, I'll deal with it then. You should follow the same path.

 

My point is you don't have to flip a switch and never want to hear from her again, although if/when you get to that point you'll be better off. But for now, focus on not doing things that make you feel WORSE. Texting her made me feel worse. It's made you feel worse. It makes everyone feel worse. Just don't do it.

 

As for getting over it all together, that will certainly help, and take it from me, at some point, the light switch will go on. For some people it will happen sooner than others. Everyone heals in different ways and how well you avoid things that make you feel miserable will expedite it.

 

Kind of like going to the gym. We all want to get in shape. At some point, we just say F it, I'm going to the gym everyday. Not the best analogy but I promise the time will come.

[TexasGuy12]

Congrats on 2 months mate. I'm so ****ing **** at NC I can barely manage 2 weeks.

 

I emailed my ex on Saturday night. I knew she wouldn't reply but I just couldn't let things end like that. I simply had to tell her that I genuinely love her. I didn't excuse her behaviour, and laid out my "ideal world" scenario to her, before accepting that that was unlikely.

 

One thing I'll add and I don't mean to speak for other females on here. In my case, with the 2 breakups that I've had, I don't believe that telling her how much you love her really does anything to help our cases. If anything, it hurts.

 

I've really come to the realization that females tick more on emotion, whereas guys are logical. In their cases, their actions speak louder than words. If they want you, you'll know they want you. That's evident to me in all of my dealings with girls, from casual FWB's to long-term relationship to the ex that brought me here.

 

So if they're NOT feeling it, words aren't going to change that. Being with them in person can spike their emotional state, but not words. If she's not responding to you right now and doesn't want to be with you right now, her seeing that is just going to make her feel smothered and get her flustered and it's going to push her away more.

 

I did the same thing. I sent a long email after 14 days NC and I really thought it would resonate with her. She didn't even respond until I sent a follow up, and at that point she was just like yeah, nice letter but not feeling it.

 

It's cool to still want her back. The good news is that the what you need to do to heal, and what you need to do to possibly get her to get her attraction back for you, is the same. Stay away!

[PLT]

Thanks dude. It's just been a really bad week/10 days I think. The second I hit send I knew I was just setting myself up for it again. Then the thoughts of "Why am I doing this to myself?" come along and I start feeling bad about myself and it just descends from there. Every day I don't hear from her is another rejection.

 

For the first time since I was 14 I phoned the Samaritans an hour ago, and feel a little better for it. The truth is I don't want her back. Not the person that she has shown she is now anyway. My life may be an emotional rollercoaster at the moment, but it's a less drama filled, less egg shell carpeted, calmer version of the emotional rollercoaster that I've been on since Sept 2015 Thank heaven for small mercies.

 

I think part of the problem is that I have too much time and not enough money to do much with that time, so I end up sitting alone all day with my thoughts about her and the hopes and dreams I had and just end up getting myself upset and end up spiralling down a pit of despair very quickly.

 

Sometimes it feels that writing, talking, thinking about it causes more harm than good. It's a difficult balance to strike. I don't want to wallow in it, but I also don't want to deny my feelings, and my feelings so far are perpetually sad, hurt, confused, and hopelessness.

 

I'm really hoping that getting involved in volunteer work will be a step in the right direction to have less time to dwell on it, as well as things like connecting with new people, and realizing that my worth as a human being is not dictated by what my ex thinks. People tell me this all the time and rationally I know it, but I seem to be completely irrational at the moment as far as the ex is concerned. Like when I emailed her. The content of the email itself isnt irrational, but sending it was. Partly though it is, as it "worked" before when she vanished for 3 months. I sent some heartfelt emails and she responded to them, and we ended up getting back together. So I guess it's partly learned behaviour, even though it isn't at a conscious level. My counsellor said I was a very reflective person, and she's right. If only I had had this moment of clarity before I sent that email.

 

I read through a couple of those emails earlier and I could have written one of them today, as nothing has changed since I sent it. It was an email I sent after we got back together (May - Aug this year) to try and list all the issues on both sides and my thoughts on how we can resolve them, as whenever we tried to talk about it face to face it'd end up with her getting angry and me getting upset and nothing getting resolved. She has obviously read that email and noted what really gets under my skin and has done those things as often as possible ever since. That's how it feels anyway.

[Frozensushi]

When I was going through it, it was the worst thing I had ever gone through. Looking back, it was the worst thing I've ever gone through as far as how I felt like I couldn't see out of it. When you feel the way you do right now, there's nothing inside of you that tells you that it's going to get better. Other people can tell you, but you always fear that you're the one that's never going to be able to get over it.

 

I've been through plenty of breakups in the past, but for me, my 'BPD Ex' breakup was pretty much the worst thing I've ever gone through in my entire life. Like you, I was so lost I felt like I was near the precipice of complete ruin. I don't know what it was about my Ex but she had incredible power over me. I'm 3 months NC and I can still feel her presence in my soul and it's so extremely frustrating. I say this without sarcasm, nor in jest, but I wouldn't want my worst enemy to go through what I have been through.

 

Obviously this board has been overwhelmingly helpful in pointing out her BPD traits and that has helped me more than words can say, but the mirroring stage is seriously like a drug and it takes a long time to get over wanting another hit. Whenever I think of her, I don't really think of the bad times at first. I think of the good times.

 

^This, ^This, ^This. In my entire life, NEVER have I felt so loved, admired, and coveted than I had during the "mirroring" phase of the relationship. Looking back, of course, it was too good to be true, but because it felt so sincere, so incredible and so unreal that every day I got out of bed was the best day of my life. I was the guy with a pep in his step, floating on cloud 9. People noticed the effect she had on me. I would get compliments from friends, family, and colleagues that I was a different person, that my enthusiasm for life was unrivaled, that I was the best version of 'Frozensushi' they had ever seen. I felt like I was the luckiest man alive, all those love songs I balked at in the past suddenly made so much sense. Every day was Christmas morning. I had never felt so happy and content.

 

Then one day ......... it all came to end. I remember that day. February 12, 2016. That was the day I met "her" for the first time. Shedding off her synthetic disguise, she revealed the real person behind the mask. That's when my mission to restore my Ex back to that wonderful woman I fell madly in love with began.

 

You said it yourself - you feel terrible after contacting her. You poured your heart out and got no response. No one can explain why she's acting the way she's acting.

 

BPDers do something called "Splitting". So you are either split all white or all black. A BPDer could split someone black for days, weeks, months or even years but eventually, you will be split white. There is no way of knowing when you will be painted white again, but it will happen. Some of us go back, but most of us stay far, far away. When that day comes, and it will happen, do you think you'll be strong enough to resist?

 

I've really come to the realization that females tick more on emotion, whereas guys are logical. In their cases, their actions speak louder than words. If they want you, you'll know they want you. That's evident to me in all of my dealings with girls, from casual FWB's to long-term relationship to the ex that brought me here.

 

Agreed, but don't forget, someone with BPD traits don't experience life the way everyone else does. Think about it, how many people have you dated flip from idealization to devaluation at the drop of a hat over absolutely nothing? BPDers experience excessive, unstable and poorly regulated emotional responses to the most trivial of circumstances. It's important we don't lump our BPD Ex with other women as that relationship is not the norm. Your exposure to "mirroring" and "idealization" should be proof enough of that. Keep that in mind when you start meeting other women because you might be looking for that incredible sensation idealization/mirroring brings. We have to reprogram ourselves to understand that this is not how a healthy relationship evolves.

 

Thanks all for your updates, insights and most of all your support, please keep up the NC and whatever you do, don't contact your Ex!!

[PLT]

Texasguy and frozensushi, you guys are the dogs bollocks as we say here in the UK (it means you're great lol)

 

It's no exaggeration to say that reading your experiences and your posts and your advice has literally been a life saver during my darkest moments.

 

Sushi, I remember my date I first saw the real J too. Sept 26th 2015. We met on 6th April 2010. Five and a half years she managed to keep the pretense up. It is that that messes with my head. The person of that 5 and a half years is pretty much the polar opposite than what I've seen for the last 14 months. Even though there were early signs in hindsight.

 

EDIT: And Downtown. Dude, you were the guy that first switched the BPD radar on in my head. you were the guy that started bringing a little light into my darkness. I think of you as like a Gandalf figure. (Not saying you're old haha) Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart. You helped me, among many others, start this journey to acceptance.

Edited November 23, 2016 by PLT

[BC1980]

One thing I'll add and I don't mean to speak for other females on here. In my case, with the 2 breakups that I've had, I don't believe that telling her how much you love her really does anything to help our cases. If anything, it hurts.

 

I've really come to the realization that females tick more on emotion, whereas guys are logical. In their cases, their actions speak louder than words. If they want you, you'll know they want you. That's evident to me in all of my dealings with girls, from casual FWB's to long-term relationship to the ex that brought me here.

 

So if they're NOT feeling it, words aren't going to change that. Being with them in person can spike their emotional state, but not words. If she's not responding to you right now and doesn't want to be with you right now, her seeing that is just going to make her feel smothered and get her flustered and it's going to push her away more.

 

I did the same thing. I sent a long email after 14 days NC and I really thought it would resonate with her. She didn't even respond until I sent a follow up, and at that point she was just like yeah, nice letter but not feeling it.

 

It's cool to still want her back. The good news is that the what you need to do to heal, and what you need to do to possibly get her to get her attraction back for you, is the same. Stay away!

 

I think it runs both ways. In my experience with men, actions speak louder than words. I do agree that men are more logical and women more emotional. Generally speaking anyway. I always go back to the idea that being dumped is an ego bruise. It drops you down a notch. It's a big rejection for anyone. Of course, our instincts are to double down and try to chase the other person, write letters, profess our love, but the irony is that behavior pushes people further away. The person you cannot attain is always more interesting and has a higher value.

 

I wrote a letter too. I think most people have written a letter at some point and looked back and laughed about it later. Hopefully, our exes trashed the letters and forgot about them.

[TexasGuy12]

BPDers do something called "Splitting". So you are either split all white or all black. A BPDer could split someone black for days, weeks, months or even years but eventually, you will be split white. There is no way of knowing when you will be painted white again, but it will happen. Some of us go back, but most of us stay far, far away. When that day comes, and it will happen, do you think you'll be strong enough to resist?

 

I've thought a lot about this and I really don't know the answer. I do know, and I will openly admit, that I do want her to contact me. Why is this? I don't know. I can only speculate that I'm a man and it hurts me that she doesn't want me like she used to? That sounds a bit sad but it's the only thing I can think of. I still care about her and knowing that she still thinks about me would be a welcome feeling.

 

Now, a part of me wants her to text me so I can ignore her. Just so I can have the upper hand. A part of me wants me her to text me so I can respond coldly and see what she wants.

 

I think if she did, I would ignore her and either let her go AWOL again, or contact me more specifically. I really don't believe I would respond to a "hey" or something so simple.

 

The bigger question is why do I want any of it, considering I know firsthand that being in a relationship with her is awful, and I know I could never be friends with her mainly because I can't trust her anyway and friends are people that you trust.

 

Who knows. Just taking things as they come. I highly, highly doubt that she will ever contact me again. I know too much about how F'd up she is and she ended up doing some very F'd up things to me and I don't think she'd ever want to face either of those.

[Superchicken]

When my GF broke up with me, not only did I not know why, but as yourselves, I was pretty devastated.

But, I thought to myself, "What the f**k did she just do", and because I had no input on the break up, I though well, screw you then.

I went cold turkey, no phone calls, no contact of ANY kind. Got rid of ALL her little presents she got me over the years.. Everything.

Spent more time with my friends going out, and NOT thinking of her. Every time I found my self thinking of her, I'd say, "No, F**k that, she's not going to beat me", and that was it.

This was great for 7 month, and felt great.. Then, I made a BIG mistake.

Driving by her workplace, I though "Hey, I'll be the better person and say Hi".

WORST decision I ever made. It was all good at first seeing her, but when it came time to go, oh man, ALL the feelings rolled back in.

I realised I didn't put enough time between us.. So for the second time, I repeated my therapy, and I can happily say, 20 odd years later, I have yet to contact her. But, she does still dangle in my mid. But, my wife dangles a rolling pin, and hers hurts more .

 

 

Ted.

[TexasGuy12]

Slight regression recently for me. The holidays are getting the best of me, and have definitely been thinking about her more and have had the urge to check on her. I've been strong and haven't, but the fact that it's crossing into my mind so often is a bit scary.

 

I'd love to understand the psychology behind me and what twisted ways our mind work that makes us want to know what they're up to, almost as though it would be some sort of momentary high?

 

But yep - next 3 weeks are going to be rough culminating with New Years. NYE was always a really, really special night for us, so that night will suck.

 

BTW - has anyone going through this found that for an extended period of time, that you lost interest in other potential relationships? I know it's normal to not date immediately after a breakup, but I have a really cool, good looking girl who I've gone out with a few times. She is actually a normal person, unlike my extreme BPD ex...she's into me and to be honest, I just don't have any interest at all. It's not about her, it's me. I'm just very blah about it. And it's not that I'm pining for my ex, because I know a relationship with this new girl would be way less stressful. I'm just not feeling it, and I know it's bigger than just not being into her.

[jorgeg3d]

Why do women's feelings fluctuate so much? It seems crazy to me how they can go from so hot, to so cold. Drives a strong, confident man crazy. If there's trauma or too much drama, its understandable but when there's just minor issues, it blows my mind.

[PLT]

Slight regression recently for me. The holidays are getting the best of me, and have definitely been thinking about her more and have had the urge to check on her. I've been strong and haven't, but the fact that it's crossing into my mind so often is a bit scary.

 

I'd love to understand the psychology behind me and what twisted ways our mind work that makes us want to know what they're up to, almost as though it would be some sort of momentary high?

 

But yep - next 3 weeks are going to be rough culminating with New Years. NYE was always a really, really special night for us, so that night will suck.

 

BTW - has anyone going through this found that for an extended period of time, that you lost interest in other potential relationships? I know it's normal to not date immediately after a breakup, but I have a really cool, good looking girl who I've gone out with a few times. She is actually a normal person, unlike my extreme BPD ex...she's into me and to be honest, I just don't have any interest at all. It's not about her, it's me. I'm just very blah about it. And it's not that I'm pining for my ex, because I know a relationship with this new girl would be way less stressful. I'm just not feeling it, and I know it's bigger than just not being into her.

 

I'd say it's very normal. I have been on and off dating apps over the past few weeks and there are some nice looking ladies on there, but I just can't be bothered. It's conflicting emotions though as I do miss the closeness we once had, and there's also the fear of always being alone lingering in the background.