After years of reading this forum, dumped in an instant. Heartbroken

[BC1980]

Dealing With Happy Birthday?s and Big Occasions: To Send a Card or Text?Or Not To Send, That Is The Question

 

Read this when you hit a weak moment.

[TexasGuy12]

Dealing With Happy Birthday?s and Big Occasions: To Send a Card or Text?Or Not To Send, That Is The Question

 

Read this when you hit a weak moment.

 

Thanks :)

[LucaChickaD]

Hi everyone:

 

A quick introduction - my name is David. I had a bad breakup back in 2007 and this forum really helped me out, even though I never posted. I was young and dumb back then. I always checked in here over the years just because I always appreciated how helpful this site was. Fast forward 9 years and I'm going through some insane heartbreak, and I could really, really use some moral support. I'm kind of stuck in a rut and following the old saying that I always tell people - I'm great at giving people advice except to myself.

 

A year and a half ago, I met a very awesome girl. I wasn't looking for a girlfriend at the time, but it kind of just happened. She was very thoughtful, a deep thinker, did some really, really nice things for me. She was very into me for the duration of our relationship. She is always the one that wanted to hang out, go on dates, take trips, etc. There always seemed to be some drama involved that kept me from being 100% invested, but nevertheless I truly loved her. We talked all day, everyday for 18 months. I realize many people on here have had relationships much longer than that, but I'm not a big relationship guy so that time with her really meant a lot to me. We had a lot of great times together, special moments. We both are very emotional, deep thinkers so we had a very soulful connection if that makes sense.

 

We were fighting a bit towards the end of our relationship, she was being really weird about things, not seeing me as much, not being as open, but we would always get over it and she could never stand to go a day being mad at each other. Every time we would meet, we'd always make up. If she did something wrong and I was upset at her, it would really cause her to be stressed and she always wanted to talk it out and make up right away. Basically, she really was into me, I had the upper hand in the relationship, not that she loved me more, but because she had no problem outwardly expressing that. She said that I was her soulmate and that she'd never felt the way she felt about me with anyone (I'm 28, she is 31).

 

Last month, we had a fight about something. I won't go into specifics on here but it was something that 5 of my closest friends all agreed was 100% on her. Her demeanor totally changed. The next day she said she didn't want to be with me. I begged and pleaded - all the things I would normally advise everyone not to do, for several weeks. We met up once in between then, had a great time, she told me she was still in love with me, we didn't fight, everything was fine - but then the next day it was back to her being distant again after I asked if she was talking to other guys (she wouldn't answer the question). She continued to text me every couple days, just small talk. I would go along with it, then it would go back to talking about the relationship and we'd get in a big fight. Her lack of urgency and any desire to meet me, or take a phone call to talk about our relationship, made me crazy and led to a fight every time.

 

Basically, I would never deny her the opportunity to meet or talk or work things out. And she was always the same way. Until she wasn't. But it's like a flip switched and all of a sudden I was insignificant.

 

I went no contact about 15 days ago after she again told me straight out that she didn't want to do this anymore. No word from her at all. I am having just an awful, awful time. I drive by and walk by places that remind me of our moments together and just want to cry and bury myself in a hole somewhere. I see her show up on my Facebook timeline and I constantly check her page, hoping she'll post a hidden message about me or decide to contact me. I can't fathom to myself how someone that was so into me and said such deep things to me could treat me like a total afterthought, like I am entirely insignificant. We've been through very deep things together, including the death of one of her family members that I was there for her throughout. I just can't imagine how she is treating me this way.

 

I'm a decent looking guy and don't have much problem talking to girls, but I'm in the classic "put this girl on a pedestal" mode and it's awful. I've been on 4 dates in 2 weeks, but I stopped because I realize it was just me trying to find a distraction, and when I'm with girls I just compare them to her and it's awful. I sit there laying in bed with another girl, looking at my phone hoping that my now ex will text me.

 

I think of her with another guy and it makes me utterly sick to my stomach.

 

This has consumed every moment of my life now for a month. I just need some help and figured I'd turn to you guys. Yes, I want her back desperately, but I can't text her and have her treat me like I'm just another random person anymore. Not talking to her will hurt less than that.

 

Heartbreak is the worst feeling in the world. Worse than physical pain and sickness. Worse than losing my grandparents.

 

Please, any help and advice is SO GREATLY APPRECIATED. I love you all.

 

I read through the replies and Im surprised no one has said this. Read what I bolded. I would not be ok with these things. I would not be ok with someone who I feel is my soulmate, not expressing his love for me as much, having the upper hand due to it and being more in control, me planning everything/putting more effort him and him not being a "relationship guy." Im sure youre going to respond saying you treated her well and loved her and such. But women are intuitive, she picked up that she was more into you, loved you more than vice versa. She did not flip a switch. I guarantee this has been building inside her for some time. That she felt so strongly about you and it wasnt reciprocated as much. Up until the last fight she cared more during fights too. She probably learned to deal with it at first, then let it eat away at her until she lost her feelings and eventually decided it was enough. Yes, that argument was the last straw, the catalyst. I would bet good money if she is seeing someone else, he is showing more interest in her than you did in the beginning and she isnt having to push away her intuition like she did with you.

 

Sorry, cannot take an amazing woman for granted and expect her to be more into you than vice versa for a long period of time. I have been on both sides of this. I have been the subject to this from a guy which felt horrible. He said he loved me and did want to try to work things out when issues came up but I never felt his heart was truly in it to the extent mine was . also I've been the one who acted the way you acted. My last relationship of 1 year he was more into me than vice versa though I felt I did love him and cared. I could not blame him when we broke up and he said he never felt like I was a hundred percent invested and he never felt 100% secure.

Edited December 8, 2016 by LucaChickaD

[TexasGuy12]

Just a brutal night for me. Ended up out around her old house. Drove past it, lots of memories coming back. Holidays. Just awful.

 

So tempted to look at her social media. It's like an alcoholic walking by a liquor store and needing all the self restraint in the world. I know that it's about getting that high and I just can't do it. I've come so far and I can't reset the clock. Just can't.

 

Also so pathetic IMO that I started this thread 4 months ago and it's still impacting my life. Can't believe I let one person have this impact on me.

[LD1990]

I feel your pain man. My ex actually got in touch with me after I had to pick up some family items from her mother (they accidentally got some family items of mine in the move I guess and wanted to return them). I had just seen her mother that day so when my ex texted me, I decided to respond and be cordial. We've talked a bit sporadically now and I feel like I'm making a big mistake but it's hard to think logically here.

 

So don't get too down on yourself TexasGuy. It's not pathetic for one person to have such as impact on you. It just shows that you cared about her and were willing to let yourself be vulnerable. Those aren't bad things. Better to be that way than be some emotionless robot.

[Blanco]

Just a brutal night for me. Ended up out around her old house. Drove past it, lots of memories coming back. Holidays. Just awful.

 

So tempted to look at her social media. It's like an alcoholic walking by a liquor store and needing all the self restraint in the world. I know that it's about getting that high and I just can't do it. I've come so far and I can't reset the clock. Just can't.

 

Also so pathetic IMO that I started this thread 4 months ago and it's still impacting my life. Can't believe I let one person have this impact on me.

 

Do not beat up yourself. This healing thing happens in waves and isn't linear.

 

If it helps, I'm about two years out and I still have a few days every month or so where I start to feel really down about the idea of my old life. In fact, I've been experiencing such a stretch for the last week. I know it'll pass; it always does. But it's frustrating in the meantime.

 

I've taken the tougher road in healing from my last relationship by intentionally not dating so that I can continue to improve myself and situation. It's been an enlightening experience, but it's made it more difficult to entirely reach indifference since I've not allowed another woman to serve as a distraction. I'm of the mind that there comes a point where you need to get back on the horse, but there's nothing wrong with working on yourself and taking a hiatus from dating until then.

 

Overall, I try to stay mindful of the progress I've made, and I think this is vital for anyone recovering from a BU. It might not feel like it, especially in the moment when you're down about things, but if you stop and really examine it all, you'll probably see that you have taken steps forward.

[TexasGuy12]

Overall, I try to stay mindful of the progress I've made, and I think this is vital for anyone recovering from a BU. It might not feel like it, especially in the moment when you're down about things, but if you stop and really examine it all, you'll probably see that you have taken steps forward.

 

Yeah, I am very mindful of this, and as I've said before, Downtown was the first person I saw say that healing isn't linear, and that strides can be made without them coming in a straight line. Since that kind of rung a bell, I've been less hard on myself than I had in the past.

 

There's just this feeling around the holidays that I can't put my finger on. Like, emptiness kind of. Driving past her old house last night, I think back to the beginning of the relationship in the winter time when I would drive over and all the Christmas lights would be up in her neighborhood and how awesome it was and how big of a part of my life she was, and there's a for sale sign in front of the house an it's all dark. Even though she put me through hell, I still wish I would have been more "in the moment" when it was happening because now I would give anything to go back to one of those nights.

 

Just a weird feeling that something that meant so much and impacted me so much is just totally nonexistent. To me it's an unnatural feeling.

[TexasGuy12]

So I've been having an increasingly difficult time with it being the holidays. I hadn't looked at her social media since I broke NC last time.

 

So very early in this thread, I talked about a guy who I suspected she was seeing while we were still together. I knew his name and had looked at his social media like right after the breakup.

 

Tonight, I wanted to check her social media because I was having a tough night. I restrained myself from doing so. So I thought you know what, I'm just going to type in this guy's name and look at his page.

 

Well, his profile picture is a picture of them two smiling with the caption "she needs no filter."

 

Words can't describe the pit in my stomach and what I'm feeling right now.

 

Just figured I'd post here. Don't know what else to do.

[LD1990]

It will get better.

 

I almost got deja vu reading your post. I suspected my ex moved on to another guy right after leaving me (or maybe before), and I checked his social media sometimes after the breakup. Didn't see anything for a while, then one day I look and there's a picture of him and my ex with big smiles, and in the caption he talked about how much he loves her.

 

My stomach dropped when I saw that. Felt terrible. That was much earlier this year, and it doesn't bother me anymore. I remember how bad it hurt at the time, but life goes on and there's no use feeling lousy about it.

 

So I know you're hurting now, just hang tough and realize that this pain will pass. Soon this won't bother you nearly as much.

[TexasGuy12]

Ended up checking out her social media. Looks like they are very much in love. Pics galore with biggest smiles. Her daughter looking at him with wide happy eyes.

 

Ended up texting her just now.

 

Epic, epic meltdown of a day.

[BC1980]

So I've been having an increasingly difficult time with it being the holidays. I hadn't looked at her social media since I broke NC last time.

 

So very early in this thread, I talked about a guy who I suspected she was seeing while we were still together. I knew his name and had looked at his social media like right after the breakup.

 

Tonight, I wanted to check her social media because I was having a tough night. I restrained myself from doing so. So I thought you know what, I'm just going to type in this guy's name and look at his page.

 

Well, his profile picture is a picture of them two smiling with the caption "she needs no filter."

 

Words can't describe the pit in my stomach and what I'm feeling right now.

 

Just figured I'd post here. Don't know what else to do.

 

I remember that feeling. It was a blow to find out my ex was engaged and had been for quite some time. That was 2 years now, but I still remember finding that out. Your post about her house being dark now hit home for me. It's weird to think of the house I used to live in with my ex. All the time we spent there. I heard he sold the house, and it's weird to imagine someone else in that house. It seems distant now, but I can still see myself in that house with him and his son. Just bizarre to think that someone else lives there now.

 

I had a much more difficult time getting over my last relationship than any previous one. It certainly threw me for a loop. It's a good think that you know she is with someone else. I know it feels awful right now, but you will right yourself again with this new information. All doors will closed, and you can truly move on. In the long run, this will help you move on.

[BC1980]

Ended up checking out her social media. Looks like they are very much in love. Pics galore with biggest smiles. Her daughter looking at him with wide happy eyes.

 

Ended up texting her just now.

 

Epic, epic meltdown of a day.

 

What did you text her, and did she respond?

[LD1990]

Ended up checking out her social media. Looks like they are very much in love. Pics galore with biggest smiles. Her daughter looking at him with wide happy eyes.

 

Dude, it's social media. It's like one big game where everyone tries to make their lives look as awesome as possible. Of course this guy isn't going to snap a picture when your ex swings a frying pan at his head.

 

I've seen plenty of couples who look so in love on their social media profiles, but actually have horrible relationships.

[TexasGuy12]

What did you text her, and did she respond?

 

I just said that it really hurts knowing the truth and seeing her broadcast it and that I really genuinely loved and cared about her. In that moment I didn't really care and didn't have much pride yet. She responded by saying that she's sorry she hurt me and that I ended up hurt then she said it's ****ed up that I ruined her day by making her feel bad. Typical.

 

I said it's not always about you and you don't get to destroy people in your path without facing the consequences. We went back and forth about her cheating and she actually called me and was crying/upset saying she doesn't understand why I'm rehashing things to make her feel bad. I said I have no intention of arguing, I was going to reach out because the holidays reminded me of you and I saw your FB picture with the guy that she was talking to when we were together. First she lied and said she met him in September, then said he was a long-time friend and they never had sex until October. More lies.

 

I was very confident and fine on the phone. I wasn't upset. I told her seeing that hurt me and if I didn't hurt it wouldn't have meant anything to me and it did. I said hi to her daughter and I ended the conversation on my terms.

 

Just more lies and BS and she is so BPD that her picture should be on google when anyone searches for it.

 

And BC...so much appreciate your help but can't help but think that this constant rebooting at some point is not a positive but a severe hindrance. I told myself 90 days ago that I learned a lesson and now I've wasted a 45 day NC Period and a 90 day NC period and feel worse today than I ever have. Just a lost cause.

[BC1980]

I see what you're saying. I don't think it was a good idea to break NC, but maybe some good can come from it. You had to find this out eventually, so you can go ahead and deal with it now rather than later. But yeah, no more breaking NC.

[Blanco]

Write down on a piece of paper or note card exactly how this latest development has made you feel. Carry it with you. Look at it any time you are feeling that urge to contact her or look at social media related to her.

 

Use this low moment as a reminder when you feel the inevitable itch to check her online activities again or reach out to her.

[Downtown]

This constant rebooting at some point is not a positive but a severe hindrance. I told myself 90 days ago that I learned a lesson and now I've wasted a 45 day NC Period and a 90 day NC period and feel worse today than I ever have.

Texas, as LD, BC, and Blanco said above -- and as you know all too well -- breaking NC set you back a bit in your healing. Doing so, however, does NOT reset the clock. So please let go of the false notion that you've somehow "wasted" your two NC periods. On the contrary, you've made a lot of progress in your healing.

 

As you may recall, back in September you asked "So now what happens when I get to day 75 and I have these same thoughts?" In my 9/30 response, I said that you may wake up on day 75 and feel like you're right back where you started at day 1. As I explained, it is just a feeling and you should not believe it. Healing from an emotional trauma, like healing from a body injury, does not proceed in a linear fashion. That is, you don't get a little bit better each day.

 

Instead, you improve in fits and starts and some days feel like you're back at square one. And some days you may make mistakes, as you did when sending her a text. Your improvement, then, is not seen in steady progress. Rather, it will be seen in the fact that the very bad days will get farther and farther apart until, eventually, they don't reoccur at all. But it could take you a year to get to that wonderful point.

 

Of course, I realize that you already understand this well. I am mentioning it again, then, only because getting this reminder may help your intuitive feelings catch up with your intellectual understanding. Understanding something at the intellectual, logical level is the easy part. What is difficult -- and what takes so much time -- is convincing the intuitive, feeling part of your mind. When that is achieved, you will have turned your knowledge into wisdom -- i.e., you will have a gut-level feeling that it is true.

[TexasGuy12]

I see what you're saying. I don't think it was a good idea to break NC, but maybe some good can come from it. You had to find this out eventually, so you can go ahead and deal with it now rather than later. But yeah, no more breaking NC.

 

Kinda crazy that for 2 months I had no idea about this and it would have been so easy to find the picture.

 

I don't know. I'm pretty much overwhelmed with everything. I'm a pretty sensitive guy and apparently I don't handle these things very well. My first love was a normal chick and that breakup sucked. This moving on so quickly which is a huge BPD trait and just always projecting her **** on me as my fault, it just really F's with my head.

 

It's been nearly 5 months since I started this thread and it's getting to the point where it's like, okay dude, grow some balls and man up. But unfortunately, I just can't change what's in my heart. I can't change how significantly this has affected me. And even when I think I'm getting better, I think it's just me supressing my feelings because in times like this, it all comes back. And i don't know how to deal or how to cope. I really don't. I'm not sure that I have. And to this point, I haven't been strong enough to stay away for good. You can have 90 great days and do everything right, and one night it gets to you and you have to start over.

 

It's so eerie seeing the pictures. It's like she couldn't stand not having someone to latch onto. I have been completely replaced. The same tables here and I ate at, the same couch we made out on, everything is exactly the same except he's there and I'm not.

 

Just really struggling today. I'm sure you guys are tired of me at this point but thank god for this forum.

[TexasGuy12]

Texas, as LD, BC, and Blanco said above -- and as you know all too well -- breaking NC set you back a bit in your healing. Doing so, however, does NOT reset the clock. So please let go of the false notion that you've somehow "wasted" your two NC periods. On the contrary, you've made a lot of progress in your healing.

 

As you may recall, back in September you asked "So now what happens when I get to day 75 and I have these same thoughts?" In my 9/30 response, I said that you may wake up on day 75 and feel like you're right back where you started at day 1. As I explained, it is just a feeling and you should not believe it. Healing from an emotional trauma, like healing from a body injury, does not proceed in a linear fashion. That is, you don't get a little bit better each day.

 

Instead, you improve in fits and starts and some days feel like you're back at square one. And some days you may make mistakes, as you did when sending her a text. Your improvement, then, is not seen in steady progress. Rather, it will be seen in the fact that the very bad days will get farther and farther apart until, eventually, they don't reoccur at all. But it could take you a year to get to that wonderful point.

 

Of course, I realize that you already understand this well. I am mentioning it again, then, only because getting this reminder may help your intuitive feelings catch up with your intellectual understanding. Understanding something at the intellectual, logical level is the easy part. What is difficult -- and what takes so much time -- is convincing the intuitive, feeling part of your mind. When that is achieved, you will have turned your knowledge into wisdom -- i.e., you will have a gut-level feeling that it is true.

 

I understand and I do know that you're right. I just desperately want to establish some time without talking to her. That's a bit of my ego there but I feel like such a pussy every couple months sending her messages only to get **** on. Starting to really affect my manhood.

 

I think it's more the disorder that I don't understand at this point. Like, how they can move on so quickly with no remorse. That's not a normal feeling or action so it is really F'ing with me. Like the stuff that she wrote to me and said to me, to move on in such an insanely short period of time, like holy smokes - it's not humane. Again, there's breakups all the time and I get that, but this is so extreme. It's like she doesn't even have a conscious or feelings.

[Downtown]

How they can move on so quickly with no remorse. That's not a normal feeling or action so it is really F'ing with me.

Texas, if she were a full-blown narcissist or sociopath, it would be easy for her to move on because she had never felt any love toward you to begin with. She therefore would simply toss you aside like an appliance that outlived its usefulness.

 

Yet, if she is a BPDer as you suspect, she likely did love you intensely. But, having the emotional development of a four year old, she is simply too immature to simultaneously handle strong conflicting feelings. Hence, her subconscious protects her from that predicament by putting one of the conflicting feelings completely out of reach of her consciousness.

 

This is why a BPDer categorizes all of her close friends and partners as "all good" or "all bad." And it is why she is able to recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment that triggers her fear or her love feelings.

 

Again, there's breakups all the time and I get that, but this is so extreme. It's like she doesn't even have a conscious or feelings.

Again, if she exhibits strong BPD traits, she likely has the intelligence and knowledge of a full grown woman but the emotional skills of a four year old. She therefore will behave like a young child, who adores Daddy when he's bringing out the toys but who -- in just a few seconds -- can flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away. Importantly, this behavior does NOT demonstrate that a child or BPDer "doesn't even have a conscience or feelings."

 

Rather, it demonstrates that the child and BPDer are unable to tolerate the predicament of experiencing two strong conflicting feelings at the same time. They have not yet reached that point in life where they are able to integrate the good and bad aspects of their own personalities. That is, they've never been able to perceive themselves as a "gray" individual, i.e., as a person who is essentially good but who occasionally exhibits bad behavior.

 

Instead, they alternate between perceiving themselves as white ("all good") or black ("all bad"). Until they learn how to integrate those conflicting aspects of themselves, they will remain incapable of perceiving the gray aspects of other people too. If all of this seems strange and alien to you, please keep in mind that you did this same black-white thinking 24/7 as a young child -- and likely started doing it quite often for several years in adolescence. And you still do it to some degree every time you experience intense anger or infatuation or any other intense feeling.

 

As I noted earlier, the human condition is that our brains are hard wired to immediately shift into black-white thinking whenever we are suddenly startled or experience very intense feelings. This is why, by the time we enter high school, nearly all of us already know we must try hard to keep our mouths shut -- and our fingers off the keys -- whenever our feelings are very intense. We know that our logical judgment of other peoples' intentions and motivations becomes distorted by those strong feelings, resulting in B-W thinking. We therefore try to delay action until we have a chance to cool down.

[BC1980]

Kinda crazy that for 2 months I had no idea about this and it would have been so easy to find the picture.

 

I don't know. I'm pretty much overwhelmed with everything. I'm a pretty sensitive guy and apparently I don't handle these things very well. My first love was a normal chick and that breakup sucked. This moving on so quickly which is a huge BPD trait and just always projecting her **** on me as my fault, it just really F's with my head.

 

It's been nearly 5 months since I started this thread and it's getting to the point where it's like, okay dude, grow some balls and man up. But unfortunately, I just can't change what's in my heart. I can't change how significantly this has affected me. And even when I think I'm getting better, I think it's just me supressing my feelings because in times like this, it all comes back. And i don't know how to deal or how to cope. I really don't. I'm not sure that I have. And to this point, I haven't been strong enough to stay away for good. You can have 90 great days and do everything right, and one night it gets to you and you have to start over.

 

It's so eerie seeing the pictures. It's like she couldn't stand not having someone to latch onto. I have been completely replaced. The same tables here and I ate at, the same couch we made out on, everything is exactly the same except he's there and I'm not.

 

Just really struggling today. I'm sure you guys are tired of me at this point but thank god for this forum.

 

I didn't know my ex was engaged for like 8 months or something crazy. I found out by chance through the grapevine. We work at the same place, so we have a lot of mutual acquaintances. Like your ex, the timing was a bit questionable as to when the relationship actually started. Your recovery NC attempts were similar to mine. It took me 8 months to actually go NC and never look back. I ended up staying in LC for awhile, then breaking NC at some point after that. I see a lot of the same thing here on LS, and, while I don't advocate breaking NC, I do want to assure you that you can recover from it. You have gone long periods without contacting her, and I'm sure you thought that impossible when you started this thread. Sometimes, experience is the best teacher. I like Blanco's idea of writing down how you feel now and looking back at it when you want to break NC. I wrote down a list of all the reasons it was a bad idea to break NC and would look at the list if I felt the itch to break NC.

 

I think most of us will tell you that your motivation for keeping NC will wax and wane. You might have the extreme resolve to keep NC one day, but, a month later, something will trigger you to want to break it. In this case, the holidays triggered you, which is so completely normal. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. . . . all of those things can trigger you because they bring up memories, and we use them to mark the passage of time. I can't remember if I recommended this book to you before, but I've recommended it a lot since reading it. "The No Contact Rule" by Natalie Lue. You can get it on Amazon. Great little book that lays out why you need NC and walks you through the process. I also referred to that book quite a bit when I was having a bad day.