After years of reading this forum, dumped in an instant. Heartbroken

[BC1980]

Yes, it's normal. The knot in your stomach. The not wanting to eat.

[TexasGuy12]

I know I've said this a few times already in this thread, and not trying to be dramatic, but I seriously can't thank all of you enough. I came on here when I was at a low point, and you guys have helped me so, so much.

 

I just figured I'd post some more feelings as maybe getting it off my chest will help me. If anyone sees anything that they feel like responding to, awesome...I need all the advice/hand holding I can get, but if not, at least I'll get this off my chest and write it to all of you instead of to her.

 

- Everyday, logical me doesn't just say, but KNOWS there is no way I will break NC. No way I'll text her. No way I'll cave in. I've come too far. And I swear, especially recently, theres been days where I've come so close. I try to justify it by thinking that she is thinking the same thing as me and that one reach out will be the beginning of our reconciliation.

 

- I blocked her from social media finally yesterday. I think that's what caused my awful days yesterday and today. I know it's probably short term pain for long term gain but just knowing that she's "blocked" from my life is an awful feeling. I want to click on her pages so much. Even yesterday after I blocked her I looked. Today is the first day that I didn't look at her social media since the breakup, and I literally had to put my phone down or else I would have at one point.

 

- I went out with another girl tonight. As I was kissing her, I was thinking about my ex. Literally. I had no interest. I've been on three dates in the past couple weeks, all with different girls, and I swear not one feeling has been towards these new girls. Driving home from the date, I played my ex's favorite song and started crying on the highway.

 

- I feel like I see things so much clearer now that I'm several weeks removed. I can see where I did some things that she probably didn't take that well. I'm blaming myself for everything. I feel like I'm remembering all the good, and she's probably remembering all the bad.

 

- I see pictures of 10/10 sexy girls and I think to myself she's hott, but I'd rather hook up with my ex, who while beautiful in my eyes is certainly not anywhere near that level. Again, is that my mind playing tricks? Is it my mind playing off of the intellectual/emotional connection that I had with her that I don't have with anyone else? The known vs the unknown?

 

- I think of her in bed with another man and I just want to rip my heart out.

 

- And finally, I see 95% of the advice on these forums after breakups is to totally let go, and I'm trying. But I can't help but thinking that this relationship is in the 5% that is really meant to work. So it's hard for me to totally move on and let her go completely, because I want her back. I have blocked her from everywhere except her phone number. Because if she wants to contact me, I really want to see it. I don't want her to try to text me and me not get it because she's blocked and she gives up. I'm not even sure if I'd respond, I'm not going to blow my load (sorry for lack of a better term) the second she would contact me but I would like to know if she does still have feelings or think about me, and whatever her motivation would be, getting a text would at least show me that. If she did have second thoughts and really want to try again, would her number being blocked stop her? Or is this where all of you would say that if that's the case, she'll come knocking on my door?

 

It's been 5 years since my last serious breakup and my goodness, I still can't get over how awful it is. This site has probably saved so many people and I'm so grateful to have turned here. I'm a guy and I have a couple close girlfriends who at this point are likely tired of hearing from me, but other than that, I don't have many people I feel comfortable talking to about this.

Edited August 12, 2016 by TexasGuy12

[Blanco]

You absolutely should not be dating, even casually, right now.

[TexasGuy12]

You absolutely should not be dating, even casually, right now.

 

Yeah, I'm going to take a break. It was just to get my mind off of everything, and it's not that I have bad intentions...I was trying to have a good time. But just doesn't make me feel good and although the other person doesn't know my deal, it's not genuine for me. I decided that on the way home tonight. I am pretty desperate at this point for any type of distraction.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't want her to try to text me and me not get it because she's blocked and she gives up. I'm not even sure if I'd respond, I'm not going to blow my load (sorry for lack of a better term) the second she would contact me but I would like to know if she does still have feelings or think about me, and whatever her motivation would be, getting a text would at least show me that. If she did have second thoughts and really want to try again, would her number being blocked stop her?

 

If it did, then she wasn't serious about it in the first place. You don't need to leave lifelines for her. If she's really motivated to do it, she'll figure it out. It's just another excuse for you to not turn the page.

 

And I agree with Blanco, no dating. It'll likely make things worse.

[TexasGuy12]

Welp. Fired off a diatribe of an email spilling my heart out. That was 3 weeks in the making. Just wasn't strong enough. Strangely, I feel better, like I got all of the thoughts out that I wanted her to know and now I'll be okay to move on. Knowing that tomorrow is Day 1 sucks immensely but, we'll see how it goes.

[Blanco]

Well, most of us have been there. Just be prepared to feel like garbage again.

 

Right now, your ex is like a drug. By reaching out, regardless of her response, you "connected" with her, so it's like you got a hit of your drug, hence feeling better. But you're still broken up and once that settles in again and the high of reaching out wears off, the emotional floodgates will open again once more.

 

Now stop.

[Simon Phoenix]

Welp. Fired off a diatribe of an email spilling my heart out. That was 3 weeks in the making. Just wasn't strong enough. Strangely, I feel better, like I got all of the thoughts out that I wanted her to know and now I'll be okay to move on. Knowing that tomorrow is Day 1 sucks immensely but, we'll see how it goes.

 

Well, until she gives you an unsatisfactory response or no response. Then you'll wonder if it would have been different if you reworded some things. That's typically what happens, which is why it's best to make a clean, full break with blocking in the first place.

 

What you did wasn't the end of the world -- as long as you don't follow up. Most people do though.

[BC1980]

Yeah, I'm going to take a break. It was just to get my mind off of everything, and it's not that I have bad intentions...I was trying to have a good time. But just doesn't make me feel good and although the other person doesn't know my deal, it's not genuine for me. I decided that on the way home tonight. I am pretty desperate at this point for any type of distraction.

 

Dating right now will make you feel worse and will trigger feelings about your ex. I know because I tried the same thing.

[BC1980]

Welp. Fired off a diatribe of an email spilling my heart out. That was 3 weeks in the making. Just wasn't strong enough. Strangely, I feel better, like I got all of the thoughts out that I wanted her to know and now I'll be okay to move on. Knowing that tomorrow is Day 1 sucks immensely but, we'll see how it goes.

 

Yeah, I did something similar. I sent an email that detailed how we could fix our problems. This was a 2 page email, and my ex's response was "Thank you." Literally, that was it. Not even signed with his name. I can laugh about it now. Lesson learned.

[lolablue17]

You are too hard on yourself. Stop!

 

It's OK that you sent the mail, it's OK to fail with the NC sometimes, actually, everything is OK.

 

She hurt your feelings and your ego. The ego now is the hardest part. I can tell you that once a girl broke up with me and hurt my ego. We've been together only a month. One month!! And it took me months to recover and 2 years to fully recover. (Well, now when i think of it, even now I'm only 99% recovered).

 

The first thing you can do is to accept your situation with love. Don't hate your moments now. Hug your present, love your feelings. all of this will make you a better person, and will give you perspective. You know, some of the best songs ever, were written after a break up. So your sadness can be a good things. I advice you to share your feelings with friends. Don't be ashamed if sometimes your feelings make you petty. We are all petty once in a while.

 

Go and love yourself. As your are now, not only when you're good.

[TexasGuy12]

Talked to her on the phone. She doesn't think we are compatible, and doesn't know if she loves me anymore. Wants to be friends because she'd rather have me in my life than not but can't be together the way we were.

 

I'm at rock bottom, in car crying like a pathetic man. If there's worse than this, I don't wanna see it.

[Blanco]

Keep talking to her and you will see it.

[LD1990]

I always thought deciding to be friends with an ex after getting dumped was just about the worst deal you could make. "Oh, so I still get to put up with all your ****, but I don't get to have sex with you anymore? Sign me up!"

 

But it doesn't matter, because they never actually mean it when they say let's be friends. What that translates to is:

Give me attention when I demand it, but otherwise leave me the hell alone.

 

The sooner you cut off contact and give up the dream of reconciling, the sooner you can really start healing.

[Blanco]

Talked to her on the phone. She doesn't think we are compatible, and doesn't know if she loves me anymore. Wants to be friends because she'd rather have me in my life than not but can't be together the way we were.

 

OK, so the usual advice to this is something brief like "No, move on."

 

I've been in your shoes, so I'm going to expand on this suggestion and tell you why being friends with her is the worst thing you can do short of something that will land you in jail.

 

1) You don't want to be friends. When you want a relationship, there is no consolation prize. None.

 

2) She doesn't REALLY want to be friends, either. She wants to know you don't hate her. She wants to know that if she's bored, she can hit you up (for something platonic). She wants to know that if she sees something that reminds her of you, she can text you and you'll actually respond. Couples who have no history as actual friends often make the mistake of thinking they can transition to being real friends. Rarely is that the case.

 

3) Being "friends" will keep you in her world and leave you exposed to finding out things you do not want or need to know. Even if she is discreet, there will come a time when something is revealed and it will devastate you, because you will done no actual healing and thus still be as sensitive to fresh information as you are right now.

 

4) You will NOT heal if you are friends with her. Even if you lie to yourself and think you're getting over it, the moment you hear about her going on a date, or god forbid, hooking up with someone, you'll feel like the room is spinning.

 

You've sent the email. You've had the phone conversation. You know what she wants. More importantly, you know what she does not want. Break free.

[TexasGuy12]

OK, so the usual advice to this is something brief like "No, move on."

 

I've been in your shoes, so I'm going to expand on this suggestion and tell you why being friends with her is the worst thing you can do short of something that will land you in jail.

 

1) You don't want to be friends. When you want a relationship, there is no consolation prize. None.

 

2) She doesn't REALLY want to be friends, either. She wants to know you don't hate her. She wants to know that if she's bored, she can hit you up (for something platonic). She wants to know that if she sees something that reminds her of you, she can text you and you'll actually respond. Couples who have no history as actual friends often make the mistake of thinking they can transition to being real friends. Rarely is that the case.

 

3) Being "friends" will keep you in her world and leave you exposed to finding out things you do not want or need to know. Even if she is discreet, there will come a time when something is revealed and it will devastate you, because you will done no actual healing and thus still be as sensitive to fresh information as you are right now.

 

4) You will NOT heal if you are friends with her. Even if you lie to yourself and think you're getting over it, the moment you hear about her going on a date, or god forbid, hooking up with someone, you'll feel like the room is spinning.

 

You've sent the email. You've had the phone conversation. You know what she wants. More importantly, you know what she does not want. Break free.

 

Hey Blanco, thanks for taking the time to write this post. God knows I'm having a horrid time with this, but one thing that I am not worried about is a desire to be friends with her. We were never friends prior to being together, and there's no way I could be friends with her anytime soon. I'm talking years and years. The fact that she wants to be friends, 3 weeks after saying she was "in love with me," really speaks volumes and shows that she truly wasn't in the relationship towards the end.

 

The girl I talked to, I don't even know her. She was so cold and so emotionless. It's really crazy. This is a girl that was up my ass for 18 months. Like, completely up my ass. She was infatuated with me and would never let us go to bed mad. And now she's just completely detached. I'd love some input from dumpers as to how it's possible to get to that point so quickly. Literally, 21 days ago, we were sitting by the fire talking about how we'd always be connected and how we were each other's "lobster" (it's a Friends reference). And 21 days later, she couldn't give a F about me or what I'm doing.

 

So I'm struggling with the cruelness of that, and I'm struggling with ruminating about things I could have done differently. I honestly am glad that I sent the letter and had the phone call because now I won't be looking at my phone thinking she is going to text me or holding out hope. I can try to completely move on which I needed. But the rumination has replaced that.

[BC1980]

Talked to her on the phone. She doesn't think we are compatible, and doesn't know if she loves me anymore. Wants to be friends because she'd rather have me in my life than not but can't be together the way we were.

 

I'm at rock bottom, in car crying like a pathetic man. If there's worse than this, I don't wanna see it.

 

I had a similar phone conversation the last time I talked to my ex 3 yrs. ago. I remember coming home, getting in the shower, and just sobbing my heart out. I had been in contact with him and holding out hope he would change his mind. I know you don't see it now, but this conversation will set you free. It's very cut and dried, which is what you need.

 

Also, don't be friends with her. A lot of people try that. I was one of those people who tried it. It just doesn't work.

[TexasGuy12]

I had a similar phone conversation the last time I talked to my ex 3 yrs. ago. I remember coming home, getting in the shower, and just sobbing my heart out. I had been in contact with him and holding out hope he would change his mind. I know you don't see it now, but this conversation will set you free. It's very cut and dried, which is what you need.

 

Also, don't be friends with her. A lot of people try that. I was one of those people who tried it. It just doesn't work.

 

Thanks for responding BC. I appreciate it. What was your healing path like after that phone call?

[Blanco]

Hey Blanco, thanks for taking the time to write this post. God knows I'm having a horrid time with this, but one thing that I am not worried about is a desire to be friends with her. We were never friends prior to being together, and there's no way I could be friends with her anytime soon. I'm talking years and years. The fact that she wants to be friends, 3 weeks after saying she was "in love with me," really speaks volumes and shows that she truly wasn't in the relationship towards the end.

 

The girl I talked to, I don't even know her. She was so cold and so emotionless. It's really crazy. This is a girl that was up my ass for 18 months. Like, completely up my ass. She was infatuated with me and would never let us go to bed mad. And now she's just completely detached. I'd love some input from dumpers as to how it's possible to get to that point so quickly. Literally, 21 days ago, we were sitting by the fire talking about how we'd always be connected and how we were each other's "lobster" (it's a Friends reference). And 21 days later, she couldn't give a F about me or what I'm doing.

 

So I'm struggling with the cruelness of that, and I'm struggling with ruminating about things I could have done differently. I honestly am glad that I sent the letter and had the phone call because now I won't be looking at my phone thinking she is going to text me or holding out hope. I can try to completely move on which I needed. But the rumination has replaced that.

 

It'll sound crazy, but her being distant and cold is going to help you move on faster than if she had also been a sobbing mess.

 

In your position at this stage, it's not uncommon to desperately grab for straws to support the idea that it's not really over. "She was crying, which shows she cares, which means she can't really want it to be over!" You get the idea.

[BC1980]

The girl I talked to, I don't even know her. She was so cold and so emotionless. It's really crazy. This is a girl that was up my ass for 18 months. Like, completely up my ass. She was infatuated with me and would never let us go to bed mad. And now she's just completely detached. I'd love some input from dumpers as to how it's possible to get to that point so quickly. Literally, 21 days ago, we were sitting by the fire talking about how we'd always be connected and how we were each other's "lobster" (it's a Friends reference). And 21 days later, she couldn't give a F about me or what I'm doing.

 

I've only dumped a person once, but it was not a serious relationship at all. We were never in love, and it was more of an, on and off physical attraction type thing. So I don't think that is a good example. But yeah, a lot of people come here and talk about how their ex was making plans with them a week before and saying they loved them and acting normal. Apparently, that's pretty run of the mill, and it happened to me too. We had actually made vacation plans the week before, and he was talking about getting married that summer.

 

In my case, I think my ex wrestled with leaving me for some time. When I look back at it, maybe up to a year off and on. I think it just took him a long time to actually do the deed, and, by the time he made the actual decision, he was done emotionally. He probably had been for some time because he started dating a woman and became engaged rather quickly after we split up. It seemed fast to me, but it probably wasn't to him. I think that when a person gets to the point of actually cutting the cord, they have already detached emotionally. They may have even considered breaking up before that time but decided not to for whatever reason.

 

It's very difficult to wrap your mind around how people's feelings can change. Especially when your feelings stayed the same. It's super hard, and I know that I struggled a lot with that concept. Because I do believe that my ex genuinely loved me and wanted to spend his life with me at one point. I felt he was genuine when he told me those things, and he told me again after the breakup. At some point, his feelings changed. And that's all there is to it. There may not be some obvious reason, and that fact is also difficult to accept. Feelings are very labile. They change quite often over the course of one's life. I know that fact isn't very comforting, but there you have it.

[TexasGuy12]

I've only dumped a person once, but it was not a serious relationship at all. We were never in love, and it was more of an, on and off physical attraction type thing. So I don't think that is a good example. But yeah, a lot of people come here and talk about how their ex was making plans with them a week before and saying they loved them and acting normal. Apparently, that's pretty run of the mill, and it happened to me too. We had actually made vacation plans the week before, and he was talking about getting married that summer.

 

In my case, I think my ex wrestled with leaving me for some time. When I look back at it, maybe up to a year off and on. I think it just took him a long time to actually do the deed, and, by the time he made the actual decision, he was done emotionally. He probably had been for some time because he started dating a woman and became engaged rather quickly after we split up. It seemed fast to me, but it probably wasn't to him. I think that when a person gets to the point of actually cutting the cord, they have already detached emotionally. They may have even considered breaking up before that time but decided not to for whatever reason.

 

It's very difficult to wrap your mind around how people's feelings can change. Especially when your feelings stayed the same. It's super hard, and I know that I struggled a lot with that concept. Because I do believe that my ex genuinely loved me and wanted to spend his life with me at one point. I felt he was genuine when he told me those things, and he told me again after the breakup. At some point, his feelings changed. And that's all there is to it. There may not be some obvious reason, and that fact is also difficult to accept. Feelings are very labile. They change quite often over the course of one's life. I know that fact isn't very comforting, but there you have it.

 

Yeah, I know my ex genuinely loved me as well. She did some things for me that not many girls would do for guys. She was infatuated. And the rumination that I mentioned involves me beating myself up over what I did to take her from that girl, to the girl that I talked to today.

 

I try to make myself feel better by saying well, it's better that I found out this side of her now because someone that acts like this isn't someone that I want to be with. But then I feel like I made her this way, and that if I had done things differently, we'd still be together and happy.

 

This is a really ruthless process and I'm sure one day I'll look back on this and have learned a lot about myself. But I seriously don't wish this on anyone.

[TexasGuy12]

So I saw this post on another site, and it's completely eerie to me because this is literally what I just experienced today. I wanted to copy and paste it here so all of you could see it, because maybe it can help someone else understand the process better.

 

---

 

The Acceptance Stage Is The Hardest Stage in the Healing Process

 

When you first go through a break up you cry and wail, beg and plead but you still hold onto hope that you can change their mind. You argue and bicker with one another but you are at least in contact with them on a semi regular basis. It's a tough time for sure. You can't sleep, you can't eat and you go from anger to depression seemingly on a whim. Eventually you decide to go NC and stick with it because everything up to this point get's you nowhere.

 

So, you start NC. You think "the'll miss me and realize their mistake and come running back to me". A couple weeks go by and you don't hear anything from them so you freak out and break NC. You eagerly wait their reply to your text/email whatever and your mind runs through all the possible scenarios. You convince yourself that you KNOW what they are going to say (that it's over) but you are really hoping that they come back saying "god, i miss you so much, I made such a terrible mistake". When they say exactly what you convinced yourself they'd say it crushes you and sets you back to day 1. You smarten up and realize it's NC for good.

 

A few more days go by and you hit the acceptance stage. You realize it's over for good and they are never going to come back. This is where it get's hard (at least for me). You no longer have hope to cling to like a safety blanket. You lay in bed and realize you'll never wake up aside them again. You drive around your car and realize they'll never sit in your passanger seat again. You go to all the places you went to with them and realize you'll never go there with them or do those things with them again. You start to accept that you are now officially single. You are no longer in a relationship with this person and, in all honesty, you'll probably never see them (not true in my case; coworker) or speak to them again. This realization can be crushing but I guess it's necessary.

 

in the initial stages of shock, denial, anger and bargaining you feel like you are still in the relationship. You cling to the person however you can because it feels like it hasn't ended quite yet. You are both still going through the process of terminating the relationship which means the relationship still exists...right? Once you hit acceptance you realize that it's over and it's you against the world.

 

Slowly NC continues and the days, weeks and months move along like molasses. You begin to be 'ok' with the facts at hand and you slowly begin to think of them less and less. One day we'll all get to that point (regardless of how we feel right now). Our bodies are capable of feeling great pain after a break up but our bodies are not designed to hold onto that pain forever.

 

So, I feel for all of you who are in the same stage as me (acceptance). It's a painful place to be but I think it's truly the beginning of the healing process. I miss the arguing, face to face chats and constant texts messages back and forth. I miss having hope for reconciliation because it felt like I was still a part of her life.

 

Once the dust settles and you realize it's over...that's when it's time to move on. It's not an easy task but it's one we all are forced to do right now.

[TexasGuy12]

She just texted me.

 

"I feel bad for how abruptly our conversation ended today."

[NopeNah]

She just texted me.

 

"I feel bad for how abruptly our conversation ended today."

And.....You don't reply back. simple as that.

[Blanco]

She just texted me.

 

"I feel bad for how abruptly our conversation ended today."

 

Tell her you cannot genuinely give her friendship right now and that it's best you two not speak at all. If you'd like, make it clear that this isn't being done out of animosity, but rather, as an attempt to heal. If she cares about you and isn't just thinking about what she wants, then she will accept it, even if she doesn't like it.